Sunday, May 2, 2021

It’s 8:30 pm and I’m just “sitting” down, ok, more like laying down.  I’ve had quite an interesting day to say the least. 

I woke up full of energy this morning and did a lot of things, among them many errands in the heat of the Sonoran dessert and by the time I got home in the afternoon and I wasn’t feeling all that great.  I’ve never reacted too positively to heat and today was no exception.  I felt a bit dehydrated, weak, migraine and upset stomach the majority of the day, yuck!!! The second half of the day I spent caring for myself and nursing my ailments.  I feel a bit better right now, not, 100% yet, but I’m making progress.

Today I had a pretty awesome conversation with a family friend, a pour out your heart kind of conversation, it was good for my soul and it was good for her.  We shed a few tears, not that many thankfully, but it was healing.  

I made dinner for my mom and my brother today, Salmon and asparagus, I didn’t eat because I didn’t feel quite well yet, but they said they liked it, it was my mom’s first time eating salmon (she’s not a big seafood person) but she said she loved it.  She was recently diagnosed with diabetes and she has other health concerns, so it’s a healthy, no salt, no unhealthy fats, no sweets kind of diet for her, so far so good! 🤩

I better go to sleep now, I’m hoping that I wake up feeling a lot better tomorrow, I have to continue working on my to do list at my mom’s house.  

Another day, more memories made! ❤️

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Today was a very busy day, busier than I expected it to be, but it was a good day.  I’m really tired though so I won’t be sharing a whole lot tonight.

For now, I’d share one of my favorite quotes by one of my dad’s favorite author, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world. – Mahatma Gandhi

Friday, April 30, 2021

April has always been one of my favorite months of the year, it’s my birthday month and I have always welcomed it with great joy (I still do of course!), because I love celebrating my birthday throughout the month.  This year, April was a bit different for me, a lot different actually and the birthday celebrations felt almost obligated in a way, rushed, and a bit strange.  Our family went through a lot this month of April, I went through a lot, but here I am right now taking inventory about all the experiences and all the lessons learned.  I’m embracing life as it is right now, it’s a much better alternative. ❤️

Today I took my mom to a doctor’s appointment and after her appointment, my brother, my mom and I went out to eat, it was really great sitting there, the three of us, chatting and not worrying about too much for a brief moment.  Ordinary moments are extraordinary moments these days.

Speaking of doctors, my mom went to a new doctor today (new to us 😉), and he was just simply AMAZING!!! So extremely compassionate and kind and wise and all the good things you can imagine! He even gave me his cell phone number so I could text him or call him anytime with questions or concerns.  An angel sent to us that happens to wear a stethoscope.  Today, I give special thanks about the gift of this new doctor that put my mom’s concerns at ease. 

This morning I had a good, healthy cry in the back patio, all by myself.  I cried all I had to and then I “recovered” and went on with my day.  I’m learning to welcome my uninvited tears with more ease these days, it’s almost as we are becoming familiar with each other.  Tears heals, but I’m thankful that more smiles and joyful moments fill my heart these days.  One day at a time.  It’s all happening... ❤️

It’s almost midnight and I’m sitting in my mom’s kitchen all by myself, my mom is sleeping and so is my brother.  The only thing I can hear is the refrigerator running.  It’s very warm too, I’m starting to feel the heat of the season. 

A day of joys, a day of feeling my soul fully, a day of kindness and compassion, and a day to close another chapter in the calendar year.  May, I’m ready for you! ❤️

Thursday, April 29, 2021

Before I journal my feelings and emotional and vulnerability about a very unpleasant situation I experienced this morning, I’ll share a little bit of love from today, because despite the big messiness of life we’ve experienced lately, I am determined to focus on the good, the lessons and most importantly, the JOY of living!!! ❤️

This morning started out with the usual routine... breakfast, coffee, conversations at the kitchen table with my mom and my brother, Will.  My mom is SO used to my brother caring for her now, that she almost depends and counts on him for security, and I’m ok with that.  I’m here always, usually as a visitor, this is (will be) my longest stay here so far because of the circumstances, so I do what I can, what I think is right, but I never arrive with expectations or demands to change anything, especially routines, especially now.  If my mom likes to use a certain fork and spoon and coffee cup (because she does), I do as I see and give her those and keep them aside for her.  If she likes to leave her pill container on a certain section of the dresser (because she does), I leave it just there after dusting and cleaning because that’s her routine and because with her visual disability, she has become a creature of habit, because that’s what makes life easier for her.  I am the one that has to adjust, not her to me, not the household to me, ALTHOUGH, my brother has had a hard time “locating” dishes in the kitchen after I wash dishes and put things away, ha! But he’s been cool about it and says nothing, but I know it takes him a liiiiitle longer finding things. 😎

After my brother left for work, my mom and I sat in the kitchen for almost two hours chatting, drinking coffee, remembering things.  It was pretty great, and I laughed quite a bit, which I need a LOT of these days.  Joyful, cheerful moments.

Now, that I’ve shared about the joy of the start of this day, let me share about something that left me with a bitter taste in my mouth, anger in my heart end tears on my soul and face.  I’m thankful this time that my mom couldn’t see my tears, I didn’t want to worry her more, again. 

This morning I called our parish home to schedule the funeral Mass for my dad and my brother.  A VERY hard thing to do! I actually had to walk away from the kitchen where my mom was sitting because I didn’t know how I’d react... tears of course.  I gathered every ounce of strength I had in me and dialed the number, some things, situations in life are simply UNAVOIDABLE, we must face them wether we like them or NOT.  I called, a woman answered, a secretary, receptionist, administrator, I have no idea what her title is, but she is in “charge” of scheduling Funeral Masses, Mass intentions, and anything that has to do with the church.

Needless to say, it was the most unpleasant experience I’ve ever had while dealing with a church, and as a “church lady” myself, it really affected me and made me think a lot.

From the moment she answered the phone she was unpleasant, unwelcome, unfriendly, and anything “un” you can imagine.  Ok, RUDE, unkind and unprofessional are the words.  I immediately felt even more vulnerable that I was when I took the phone from the receiver to call. 

I won’t go into detail about all the things she said and how she said them because this journal page would become a blog page of it’s own, but from the moment she starting asking questions and telling me what I needed to bring and do in order to schedule the Mass, I felt like I was being attacked.  She not ONCE, said “I’m sorry for your loss...” when I called, I was almost expecting at least two “I’m sorry’s...” we’ve had two losses, two terrible losses, and very little time between both losses, not even a month away.  She asked for the dates, and the relationship, not even then, she said “I’m so sorry for your loss...” not even when our conversation started with “I need to schedule a Funeral Mass.”. The people at the DMV before leaving for Mexico, treated me better.  That tells you a lot, doesn’t it?! 

We all have off days, bad days, and we don’t know what others are going through when treated with unkindness, I always try to think of that, to give them some grace too, because I just don’t know.  This particular person, has treated my mom with unkindness and made her cry before.  She has treated my brother with unkindness before, and many other people.  WHY do we allow people that have little to no compassion and understanding work in places like a church or funeral homes, or places like that, when they’d be the first contact to deal with people in their most vulnerable stage of their lives?! LOSS.  Loss has taken on a whole new meaning for me, and a whole new way of looking at life and now, even more, especially my job... as a church lady and Funeral Home employee.

Compassion should come way before someone knows how to answer the phone.  The person on the other side of the line, behind the front desk, greeting, etc... should be WRAPPED in compassion, in understanding, in love, In helpfulness.  When someone is going through a difficult time in their lives, the way they are treated can have a huge impact in their lives, HUGE, it can even change their relationship with the church, with their faith. 

This morning I woke up not prepared to cry. I woke up not prepared to be hurt.  I woke up not prepared to be disappointed.  I cried.  I was hurt.  I was disappointed.

This incident has absolutely nothing to do with this church in particular, we LOVE and adore this Church and we have a very special place in our hearts for this place of worship. These things can happen (and happen) in any church.  This incident had everything to do with one person, one human being incapable of treating grievers with compassion.  Like I said, this is not one isolated incident.  

I wasn’t able to schedule the Funeral Mass, she threw way too many obstacles on my way, she even said something unkind in the middle of our conversation.  My brother will finish the process of doing this.  We will have the Funeral Mass and I’m sure it will be a wonderful celebration filled with love and faith.  She will not determined my relationship with this church and my faith especially, EVER, but before I go back to Chicago, I will definitely have q conversation with her, or someone about it.  A kind and constructive conversation about it.  WHY? Because I don’t know want other grievers to suffer the same way I did, the same way my mom did, the same way my brother has.

May we be always good stewards of our faith, of our mission in life and especially, of the ministries we have been entrusted with.  

I feel better right now.  My mom doesn’t know I cried about it, I went to my bedroom and closed the door to cry in the solitude of the room.  I shared with my brother and told him, how she made me feel and how much I cried about it, of course he understood and made me feel better with his loving support.  My mom and I DID talk about it, that’s when she shared about her experiences.  My heart has been doing so much healing lately, working on healing actually, adding this to the list it’s not something I anticipated.  I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m becoming better because of all of these experiences.

Kindness always!!! 💛

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou

Wednesday, April 28, 2021

Today was quite an eventful day, productive, soul wrenching, soul searching and joy filled!!!

I had a hospital worthy migraine today, I haven’t had one of those in a long time, but thankfully I managed to make it through the day with prescription meds and some relaxation techniques, I think it’s stress related, my body is just adjusting to being home and facing it all.  It hasn’t even been a week since I arrived, and my body is starting to liberate that stress. 

I accompanied my mom to take care of some paperwork she needed to take of and it was difficult for me to realize and fully experience her visual disability.  Signing papers with her meant, taking her hand, putting the pen in her hand, guiding her hand EXACTLY to the line where she had to sign, and directing her movements... go straight, not up, not too tight, a little more loose so it looks like your signature in the ID card.  All that after explaining to her what every document was and with a witness affidavit.  This was a “simple” thing that needed attention, but nothing is simple when someone has a disability, there is still SO much to do at public offices and businesses to facilite things to people with disabilities, especially, visual disabilities.

After our errand, we stopped at my favorite breakfast taco place to pick up food to go so my brother could go back to work.  My mom and I ate our delicious food, talked and loved our breakfast time together.  A moment of pure bliss. 

Today I was able to visit with my cousin and his family, whose son is my Godson and I loved our time together in every way.  Moments like today’s remind me of how incredible blessed I am to have people like them in my life.  Delicious food, good times, serious conversations and lots of laughter filled my heart with joy. 

When I got home I visited with my mom for a little in the kitchen. We had coffee and some sweets together and talked to my brother a little too.  I helped my mom with some medicine she needed to take and also with applying new face lotions I brought her that she loved.  These moments might seem very ordinary, but to me, they are far from that!  Every “simple” moment, it’s an ordinary moment. I’m understanding the meaning of that in a much bigger way these days. 

Ah... my daughters got their second Covid vaccine yesterday and they had a lot of side effects, but they seemed to be doing better towards the end of the day tonight.  Thankful for the opportunity to be fully vaccinated, all of us at home! 

It’s 10:15 pm and I’m exhausted from a full and quite intense kind of day.  Tomorrow is another day. ❤️

Tuesday, April 27, 2021

I’m sitting in the back patio of my mom’s house and I actually have a light cardigan on.  It’s in the high 60’s this morning but the sun is coming out brighter than ever.  I’m enjoying this time of stillness and quiet by myself, as the air blows my hair and I sit alone with my coffee and my book.

Yesterday was quite an emotional day for me, I felt many emotions coming from many directions. I never thought that the human body could be capable of feeling SO much at the same time, it can and somehow, our bodies, our minds, our hearts and our souls manage to keep going and to keep one foot in front of the other.

Life as I knew it will never be the same, impossible! But, I’m working on not only accepting my new life, but also on understanding and finding meaning in the midsts of it. 

Life moves on pretty quickly for the rest of the world, for the rest of the people we know even, but I won’t rush my grief and my feelings.  As the wise David Kessler once said “we hurt at the level we loved.” Wiser words about grief have never been spoken!!! We hurt, because we loved! And loved I did, and will continue to do, even if the rest of the world moves on, and the memories start to fade.  I am determined to keep the memories of my loved one alive and present in my life.

I was telling someone dear to me last night that this experience has completely, 100% changed the way I relate to life and to people.  The things that bothered me before, don’t bother me anymore and I am also not impressed by much.  Life is a lot simpler than we think, should be simple and most importantly, so brief and so unpredictable.  I’m on a quest for joy, the joy that is felt from the soul. I’m on a quest for truth and meaning and genuinity, that to me is freedom and joy. 

I have a few more things to cross off in my to do list at my mom’s house.  It feels good to be able to do these things, even if the organizing and cleaning end such, might tug at my heart.  It has to be done, and it feels good once it’s done.  It’s like the soap and water and organizing is also cleansing ME and organizing my emotions.  It’s cathartic. 

My mom’s back patio are inundated with all kinds of birds every morning, there is a dove roaming around me as we speak looking for food. Their water bowl has been filled, but we haven’t given them food yet.  My brother used to send me videos of the birds eating and playing in the back patio, now, I’m seeing them with my own eyes, except he isn’t here, or perhaps, he is. 💙

Monday, April 26, 2021

Today was a good day.  I did more cleaning and organizing at my mom’s house and it’s been really great doing these things for her and with her.

My mom’s visual abilities are very, very limited, so it’s been more of “feel this, do you want this, do you need it, where do you want it”, kind of working together on this reorganizing of the house.  It’s very challenging for me to see her visual disability so advanced, but she is an admirable human being, so strong and so faithful, she really is amazing!

Today I also did a lot of thinking about our new family dynamic, our new journey on this new chapter and I also did some crying and some strategizing.  I have to strategize if I want to keep going with the same zest and enthusiasm for life.  I have to find meaning, and a way of honoring my deceased loved ones to keep their memories alive.  I want them present in our lives.  We all have different ways of coping, different ways of moving on, but I have to honor MY way of accepting this new reality and a way to find meaning in the loss.  One day at a time. 

I pray for guidance, I pray for strength, and I pray for acceptance.  I’m hopeful that it all will come together eventually, sooner than later. 

Below, it’s one of my favorite quotes from the movie “Nomandland”.  If you haven’t seen it, I recommend it.  It’s a slow paced production, but wrapped in SO much depth and meaning.

“What’s remembered, lives.” Fern, Nomandland

Sunday, April 25, 2021

I went to bed at 2 am this morning chatting with my mom and then I couldn’t fall asleep.  I woke up around 10 am thankfully and felt rested, a LOT better than I’ve felt since Friday.

Friday and Saturday were the worst days for me after arriving here.  I hated being here but I knew there was no other way around it.  Everywhere I look, everything I look at, reminds me of my dad and my brother.  I keep waiting for them to turn the corner from one of the rooms... it won’t happen, I have to get used to that. 

Today, I had a little more energy and I decided to be productive and help my mom with some cleaning and organizing in the house.  My mom’s visual disability limits her a lot, and there were a lot of things that needed attention, I was thankful to be able to that.  I worked nonstop for 5 hours and there is still a lot work waiting for me tomorrow and the day after and the day after and the day after, probably until I head back to Chicago, but I’m thankful for that, I want to stay busy. 

My mom talks about my dad and my brother nonstop, more about my brother than my dad, and in all honesty, I don’t like talking that much about them while I’m here, it’s too painful, I want to avoid it all, but I think talking about them and what they did in their living years, it’s necessary.  Of course, I don’t stop my mom or tell her I a want to avoid the subject, I don’t want to disrespect their memory either, I very much want them to keep them alive in my heart, but it’s just too painful right now.  Being here however, has definitely made it all more real, and of course it is more real, I have to walk past their cremated remains every time I go from my bedroom to the kitchen, but I just glance over, I haven’t really stopped by the table to pay my respects and talk to them and pray or anything like that. I’ll do it eventually.  I need to be patient with myself. 

Uh, I remember I used to think that somehow my parents would both live to be 100 and my brothers and I would enjoy their elderly years celebrating many, many milestones.  Little did I know... 

I guess I’ll go back to the kitchen and figure out dinner somehow.  It’s a beautiful, sunny day today.  It’s been in the low 90’s all day but it actually feels wonderful, not too hot yet.

Happy Sunday everyone! ☀️

Saturday, April 26, 2021

Yesterday I arrived in my hometown and I really don’t think I can share or put into words all the feelings I felt as I walked in and faced the unavoidable.  

Writing liberates me, but honestly, I don’t think I’ll be able to write about all these emotions until I go back to Chicago.  One thing is for sure, seeing my mom and my brother Will, was amazing and I’m very grateful to be able to spend time with them.  A new chapter, a new way of doing life, a new everything it seems. 

I’ve felt very depleted of energy lately, lethargic and tired and exhausted in every way.  This afternoon for the first time since I arrived here yesterday, I perked up a little and I was able to “enjoy” life here a little bit.

There are many things I want to do (I have to do) at my mom’s house, and I’m praying that I wake up feeling up for it tomorrow. 

Grief sucks, life getting out of balance unexpectedly sucks, all of it, SUCKS, and yes, I hate it all, most of it anyways. Learning to embrace life in a different way is a lot more challenging than I ever expected it to be.

I was so disconnected from my usual routine that I didn’t even have a chance to write my daily journal page earlier in the day and this is something I really enjoy doing.

I guess I’ll go to sleep now. It’s almost 1:30 am and I’m tired and tomorrow, well, tomorrow is another day to be embraced, to be lived and to love. 

Friday, April 23, 2021

Yesterday was a really great day. My friend and I spent the entire day exploring new places (for me), walking around, talking, laughing and being silly. 

My entire visit to Arizona this time around I have been in complete awe of nature, more than ever before.  I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I feel so much more connected to life these days. 

During our day of exploring we visited a mine in Bisbee, Arizona, a mine that stoped operating and ceased production in 1975 and now it’s strictly a tourist attraction. Well, my girlfriend and I took the tour, she has done it before, it was my first time there.  I’m usually not afraid of enclosed places, not claustrophobic, but recently, after losing my dad and brother recently I’ve experienced some anxiety, something completely new to me, and today was one of those days.  I was doing completely fine, until we arrived at a part of the mining tour where you had to get off the train/mine car and walk up to a steep shaft that had a few very dark and deep enclosures, and all of a sudden I felt like the world was closing up on me and the moment I thought there was NO way out until THEY could get me out, I pretty much lost it! I mean, I didn’t “loose” it, loose it, but I excused myself from the group and told my friend I had to walk back to where the train was and wait patiently for them to finish that part of the tour.

The train was still in a very dark and closed up place, and I had to breath in and out, inhale and exhale and smooth myself back to “normalcy”.  Thankfully, one of the tour guides had stayed down there keeping vigilance and when he saw me walking down from the shaft and asked if I was ok, and I told him I was experiencing some anxiety, he offered his hand (literally), walked me down, and talked to me the entire time, telling me all kinds of stories and reassuring me that everything would be ok.

Mike was his tour guide’s name, he relocated to the Arizona area from Michigan a few years ago and loves it here! Mike also has the most soothing and calming voice, and immediately put me back at ease.

Anxiety is an AWFUL thing, it’s the brain betraying you, and playing “tricks” on you.  This panic attack for me felt like I couldn’t breath, I could hardly catch my breath, my heart was racing and my entire body tingled.  The most crazy thing!!!

After that stop at the shaft, we had yet ANOTHER stop and I worked really hard on making it through and praying it’d be ok.  I was able to take part in the beginning of this tour explanation or demonstration of the mine, but I didn’t want to take my chances “going in”, again and risking yet another panic attack when I was just starting to calm myself down. 

I did the right thing for ME, and listened to my body and did what I had to do.  

I made it, I survived, I experienced, I did love it, and I’m glad I did it!  Would I do it again?! Most likely yes, because now I know what to expect.  What I don’t like is the unknown. 

The rest of the day was amazing, and so much fun! We also visited Our Lady of the Sierras Shrine in a mountain top literally, and actively the decline, going down was even harder on the body because it was SO steep, it was unreal, but it was worth everything!  We even went inside the chapel to say a prayer and write our own, personal intentions.  A day of many blessings. 

Early this evening, I’ll arrive in my hometown.  A very, very bittersweet reunion, but one that has to be done and preceded, lived and experienced. 

I’m ready to hug my mom and my brother Will! ❤️❤️

Thursday, April 22, 2021

Let’s celebrate Earth day, Mother Nature speaking to us every day in the way we treat it and we relate to it! 

I’m sitting outside, in the patio of my childhood girlfriend’s house in sunny Arizona while visiting her family on my way to Mexico to see my mom, brother and family.  It’s 70 degrees and sunny and it feels divine! I can’t hear anything by a lot of birds chirping and the air moving, I’m sipping my coffee, feeling very, very relaxed and everything is right with the world in this day and time.  I’ll take it! ❤️

Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit with another family friend in Arizona and I felt so grateful and blessed to have been able to see her and visit with her.  I’ve always admired her soul and her way of loving those around her.  I cried a few times involuntarily and she welcomed my tears and listened, I needed that.  I feel like my would is healing as I make my way to Mexico to see my family.

After my visit with our friend Eileen, my friend Alba picked me up and we stopped at an AMAZINGLY delicious donut shop to pick up some donuts for her kids who are all under the age of 12 because who shows up at a house with kinds empty handed, not me, that’s for sure!!! 😍🍩

I have SO loved the little time I’ve spent with her kids so far, they are so full of energy and enthusiasm and they are so inquisitive I almost forgot what that feels like when your children are little, I haven’t experienced that feeling in years it feels, and I love it!  It has been so great visiting with my girlfriend’s family, her husband and kids, I love them as my own and I’m beyond grateful for their lives in mine. 

Today, we are exploring the town of Bisbee and Tombstone, Arizona and I can hardly wait! I’ve never been there but they both sound magical in their own way.  I love visiting new towns and learning about what they are all about.

This morning is a very laid back morning with no real agenda or timeline, other than the fact we know we want to visit those places.  I like that, I desperately need some peace and rest and no rushing around for a while. 

Looking forward to celebrating Earth Day with my bestie in a beautiful and sunny Arizona! 💛🌍💛

Wednesday, April 21, 2021

Yesterday was another amazing day with Stan the man in a beautiful place surrounding nature and the most beautiful landscape.  By the time we arrived at the hotel in Scottsdale for our overnight stay before heading to the Tucson area (inching away to my hometown!) I was so exhausted I couldn’t think of anything else but rest.  I had to do a little bit of remote work, but thankfully I had no issues connecting and I was able to do the work I needed to do fairly quickly. 

Yesterday, we stated our day by waking up at 5 am to walk the trials of Bell Rock Mountain in Sedona to watch the sunrise, what am INCREDIBLE experience!!! I wanted to stay there another week at least, the most peaceful, serene, recharging environment I’ve ever experienced!!!

Since it was a weekday and so early in the morning, the hiking trail was quite empty, which was great.  Just a few locals going on their daily hikes and also a photographer taking pictures of a lady with the sunrise. At the very peek of the mountain we could see a man that had made it’s way up there before the sunrise, when the sun came out completely, he let out a huge, happy “YES!!!” scream! I wanted to do the same thing, it was just so majestic!  Instead, just before the sunrise, I found myself standing all by myself on top of a rock I had climbed, overlooking at the wonder of that incredible landscape and all of a sudden an overwhelming feeling of despair if you may, came over me, and I welcomed it. I cried (a lot), I looked up into the sky and asked “why???” I asked “are you there?!” I didn’t get an answer to neither of my questions, but at the same time... I did. I did get some answers, my heart felt them, I could feel some peace, and some letting go, the only peace that nature and quiet and solitude can give you.  I’ve had too many distractions since my dad and my brother died, distractions that have kept me going and have helped me not to feel consumed by grief, but also, my soul desperately needed this time.  I needed time alone in those mountains, I needed to feel that peace and feel a little closer to them, to God, to my own understanding of how life works, or at least to start the process of accepting, and finding meaning in the loss. 

Grief sucks!!! Grief, completely, 100% SUCKS, but grief is also teaching me a whole bunch of lessons that I never thought I’d learn.  Life will never be the same for me, and I don’t mean it in a pessimistic way, but rather in a way more meaningful way.  Petty things and situations and life annoyances have evolved for me, and I can say with full confidence that in that respect, I’ve already grown a great deal.  I’m finding MY own meaning of life, in my quest to finding meaning in the loss of my dear ones. 

After this magical stop at Bell Rock Mountain to watch the sunrise, we went to our new favorite breakfast restaurant in Arizona, “Wildflower Bread Company”, and ordered a little bit of a bunch of things to share so we could both get a good taste of their menu goodness.  We had my FAVORITE menu item there, beet humus on the most delicious fresh nut bread topped with arugula, sweet pickled onions and feta cheese, oh my goodness it’s so amazingly delicious!!! We also had an avocado toast with two over easy eggs on the side for Stasiu, and a cream cheese and salmon toast, topped with lemon slices and chives, YUM!!! And because the mountains inspired us, we went ahead and ordered a chocolate and custard croissant fresh out of the oven, ok, I’ll leave the taste of that to your imagination, but take a guess of how good it was based on these emojis 😍🤩🥳😂 Amazing!!! Ok, enough about food, although you know me, I could talk about food all day long! 🥰

After leaving beautiful, breathtaking Sedona, we headed South to Prescott, Arizona to check out the town which is known as “everybody’s town!” and everybody’s town it is, there were people from all over. They have a full street, blocks and blocks and blocks of them dedicated to bars, that whole area is called “Whiskey Raw”.  To be honest I wasn’t too impressed with downtown Prescott, but the pistachio ice cream and our walk there was nice! 😉

However, Stan had looked up a lake area in Prescott to have a picnic, and by picnic I mean, In-N- Out Burgers and drinks in a to go bag 🤣, and after we picked up our lunch, we went to this super lovely lake called “Linx Lake”, to eat and relax and walk around and it’s an incredibly, beautiful place surrounded by thousands of pine trees, a large lake and wonderful trails, which we made us a little eerie at some point of mountain lions and other wildlife.  Stan says at one point “that’s why you need to come to these places with maze, a whistle and a stick, I bought all of that!” I said “you did???” Then he says, wait for it... “yes, I ordered one (maze) before our trip, but forgot it at home!” Well, there you go, apparently, we are not the adventurous, most prepared people, haha! Thankfully, Stan found a big, nice hiking stick and off we went... it was an amazing walk and exploring of this lake.  Another place I’d gladly go back to and spend a full day there. Nature is no doubt, God’s language, simply amazing. 

After our visit to Linx Lake we started our way into the Valley, for our overnight stay in Scottsdale and a little rest before driving into Tucson for another overnight stop, just me this time.  When we arrived in the Phoenix area, friends from Chicago that relocated to Arizona a couple of years ago reached out asking if we could see each other.  Stan and I immediately agreed and welcomed the opportunity to visit with them and catch up.  It was so good to see them, and find out how they are doing and how they like this sunshiny state.  The food was also great, but mainly we felt very thankful for our time together. Sometime, last minute plans are the best of plans! 💛

After a our dinner with friends, both Stan and I were literally exhausted from a full day of nonstop adventure and fell asleep quite quickly, well, him first because I still had some work to do, but it was one of the best sleep nights I’ve had in a while.  The mattress was dreamy too, I could’ve slept for another two hours this morning. 😁

Now, we are on the way to Tucson, we picked up breakfast at Chick-fil-A, a breakfast burrito for Stan and just coffee for me (Shockingly I wasn’t hungry this morning!) and should be there in an hour or so. 

The freeway is SO windy and dusty, but the landscape makes it all worth it! 🌵☀️🌬

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Today was a great day, also a day with many emotions.  I had full intentions of journaling most of our day, but it’s past 11 pm and I am really, really tired, so I’ll leave the chatting and sharing for tomorrow. 

It’s getting closer and closer to the day I get to see my mom and my brother, Will and that makes me very happy. ❤️

Monday, April 19, 2021

“I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.” ~Rumi

Today was a very special day, in so many ways. 

Stan and I celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary and we made the best of today’s gift of life.

Life has thrown quite a few curveballs lately, but today was one of those days when I truly felt the presence of God in our lives, the blessings that surround us and embrace us and HOPE, something I have felt depleted of recently.  Today, my heart smiled, my soul rejoiced and in a mysterious and sacred way, I understood life’s purpose.

Alright, alright, that was my philosophical and sentimental sharing of the day, which I do feel quite sentimental tonight, but I’m also still smiling very big from the amazing day we had!

Stan and I got up bright and early this morning to get ready for church, it was very important for both of us to go to church today to give thanks for our 25 years of marriage and life together and huge blessing, the Priest presiding at church today, even gave us a special blessing at the end of Mass and asked us questions and gave us advice and sent us off with a beautiful blessing and prayer.  We were so thrilled with the start of our day. 

After Mass, we went out for breakfast to a cute little cafe in the heart of Sedona, and we sat outside, it was a beautiful sunny day.  Our food was so delicious and we really enjoyed our time together there.

Later on we made our way to Chapel of the Holy Cross located in one of the Sedona buttes and oh my goodness, I haven’t seen more beautiful colors, skies, mountains and natural beauty, truly Sedona is God’s country!!! The Chapel of the Holy Cross is simply breathtaking, we could’ve stayed there all day, what a gift to the world that place is. 

And because you really can’t have enough with one or two beautiful sites, we decided to visit another beautiful place, Amitabha Stupa and Peace park, a mountain and trail dedicated to prayer and peace.  A special place for meditation, prayer and healing, you really can feel positive vibes there.  I even tried on a yoga pose in one of their meditation gardens and let’s just say, I’m stiffer than I thought! I’ve got some work to do! 😂

After our visit to this park of peace, we were hungry (again!) and went looking for a restaurant where to have our anniversary dinner.  We ended up in a simple, but cute and delicious restaurant with a pretty view and really loved our food, and after dinner we headed to Bell Rock Mountain to watch the sunset, just an amazing place!!! 

We are now relaxing and ready to take on the day tomorrow.  More exploring, but a more laid back kind of day. 

Beyond grateful for the opportunity to share my life with a human being like Stan and for our moments together. 💞

Sunday, April 18, 2021

It’s another beautiful day in Zamunda!!! I mean, Sedona!!! 😍

Oh... my... goodness... I’m sure God and the angels live among these mountains, it’s just so beyond gorgeous and amazing and breathtaking and such a soul lifter, it’s incredible! 

I’m sitting outside drinking my first cup of coffee of the day and admiring Bell Rock Mountain which is right in front of me, and it’s simply a beauty.  It’s a chilly morning in Sedona low to mid 50’s, but the sun is shining in ALL it’s glory and it feels amazing!  I think I want to change my mailing address. 😁

Stan and I are going to a local Catholic Church for their 10 am Mass and then I think we might grab a light breakfast (I always say that and then end up with the works, stay tuned, lol).  We want to do some more exploring and walking today, we don’t really have a plan for this stay and we aren’t booking any tours or guided stuff like that, we are going with the flow and going where the heart calls, and where our feet and stomach takes us.  

After we do a little exploring, we are trying a cute restaurant by the mountains that is supposed to have really delicious food, so we will see. It looks adorable, now we have to see if the food matches the looks! 😉

Feeling grateful, blessed and quite happy... making every minute of life given count!  Prayers for a lovely, joy filled and KIND day! 💛

Saturday, April 17, 2021

Where do I start???  Today has been amazing in so many ways, but especially because Stan is by my side.  Yes, cheesy but true.  Sometimes I wonder I got this lucky, to have him as a life partner, and then I simply thank God and life for putting him on my path.

Stan and I started the day with breakfast in Flagstaff at a super cute AND delicious cafe called Wildflower Bread Company, everything was simply amazing and the employees were so nice and friendly and helpful.  The place was full of Bella’s! Cheery, friendly, easy going happy people! ❤️

After breakfast we made a quick stop at Walgreens because it can’t be a trip for the Borla’s without stopping at some pharmacy, haha! Thankfully, it was just some vitamins we forgot and water bottles and I love Walgreens as much as I love Target, really my only “favorite” places to shop, if you can call it that.  Ok, I’ll take that back, I think my favorite place is Trader Joe’s! 🥰

Before we got settled in the hotel in Sedona, we did some exploring, lots of walking and then we had lunch at a restaurant in downtown Sedona called “Cowboy Club”.  We sat outside and the views were just unbelievable!!! We had appetizers, we were still full from breakfast a few hours earlier.  We tried rattlesnake sausage which was AMAZING, cactus fries, SO yum, and shrimp ceviche, yum again!  We shared a delicious and sweet raspberry cactus spritzer and well, I’m still dreaming about all of it and I want to go back, end of story. 😍

After lunch we did more walking, exploring and then we headed to the hotel to check in.  I have to say, I felt pretty pooped by the time we checked in, Stan was a little tired too. After we checked in and settled in we walked to a nearby local favorite pizza place called “Pago’s Pizzeria”, everyone raved about it and they were right, the pizza was delicious.  They are only doing carry out right now due to covid, but that was ok with us. We ate it in the hotel room and then we did facial. Well, I did and then I gave Stan a facial to which he said when I finished “are you sure I won’t wake up with pimples in my face?” 😂

We were eating dinner and all of a sudden an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me. Sadness for the loss of my brother, I couldn’t contain my tears, Stan comforted me, he said all the right words, he listened to me, he let me cry, he was present to me.  Maybe I’ll never get “used” to his sudden passing.  Maybe it will take me longer than most people?! What does that even mean???  I think what it means is, I need to let myself cry when I have to, I need to let myself crave his presence and I need to continue to keep his spirit, fierceness for living and zest for all things art alive in every way I can.  I never imagined that grief could be this hard, this overwhelming, this life defining.  It is. It’s hard. And it’s also so unique for each person.

Today, as I looked outside the hotel deck into the incredible vastness of the gorgeous Sedona mountains, I gave thanks for the gift of life.  I am determined to live my life the best way I can, focusing on the things that matter and to eliminate the things that don’t serve me well.  Life has taken on a whole new meaning for me, and since I was put on this path involuntarily, I will make sure to make the best of all these lessons and opportunities. 

Thankful for today. ☀️

Friday, April 16, 2021

I had a great night sleep, my bed on Amtrak was so comfy and the pillows, well, if they sold them I’d buy one. 😃

Mainly, I think I’m just enjoying my quiet, alone time, time alone that I so desperately needed, away from the hassle and bustle and the demands of life in general.

I woke up somewhere in Kansas this morning, near Garden City which according to our Conductor is a great place for Eagle watching, although I didn’t see any, I guess I didn’t wake up early enough. 😉

I have been absolutely amazed at the beautiful landscape of nature.  Wide open spaces that speak or peace and serenity, oh how much I needed that.  I’m looking out the window right now and all I see is huge fields, lots of trees, vegetation, a water creek and we just passed some cows and sheep grazing.  I almost want to hop off and stay somewhere near this area for a long while. I almost forgot how much I love rural lifestyle. 

I decided to go to the dining car this morning to have breakfast.  I was still so full from last night’s dinner that I decided to have something on the lighter side, no big veggie omelettes with potatoes on the side for me, which seemed to be the breakfast item of choice for most passengers.  I had coffee of course, a bowl of Raisin Bran (my favorite cereal of all times!) and a cup of yogurt, simple.  By the time I got back to my room, my made was turned into two recliners so I enjoy the remaining portion of the trip. To be honest, I’m sad I’ll be arriving at my destination in a few hours, I wish I had another night on the train.  I’m already thinking about when I should/can book another trip.

I just found out that Amtrak does not have WiFi on the train anymore because they used to get a lot of interruptions while going through valleys and tunnels and they decided to stop that service. Boo to that, but on the other hand that means I’m forced not to turn on my laptop and work! 🥰 I’m able to do some things on my phone using data and the rest can wait... isn’t that amazing how life works? The universe (in this case Amtrak), telling me, “slow down, quiet yourself... don’t worry.” 

Also, I’ve seen SO many cows grazing near the train tracks, VERY far from any farm house I can see, and I keep wondering, is there a cow-bus or trailer that will show up sometime during the day to take them back, I’m a little worried to be honest. 😬 But... they seem quite happy!!! 🐄 

A joyful and kind Friday to you all! 💛

Thursday, April 15, 2021

“From joy I came, for joy I live, and in Thy sacred joy, I shall melt again.” Yogananda

I don’t remember feeling this level of joy in a long time.  Since January 6th, 99 days to be exact.  Today, I’ve been feeling a lot of joy, especially right now, I feel very joyful and I feel as if part of my soul is starting to restore. 

We started the day celebrating Stan the man, it’s his birthday today and since I had to be at Union Station for my trip late this morning, we decided to go out to breakfast instead of the traditional big homemade breakfast we always make at home when someone is celebrating a birthday.  It was perfect!  We went to Egg Harbor and talked and talked and talked, it was our first dining outing as a family since the pandemic started over a year ago. 

After breakfast we went back home to do a few last minutes things for my trip and then Stan and I headed out downtown. I cannot even express how happy Union Station makes me, especially Amtrak! Heart eyes all the way! 

While I was waiting in the Metropolitan lounge for my train, I met a very lovely couple from Tennessee, probably in their mid 60’s.  We talked for a while and while his wife went to the bathroom we struck a conversation about health and the pandemic and all the challenges people have gone through in the past year, then he paused and said “I was diagnosed with brain cancer last year and late Summer I had major brain surgery. I have a follow up this coming July... I’m hoping everything will be ok.” Nicest guy, we couldn’t talked for hours.  His wife later said, just recently they decided to take this long train trip and visit the Grand Canyon.  Even though out conversation could be perceived as somber, it was actually the very contrary. It made us all reflect on the gift of life.  When they announced that we’d be boarding soon, this couple had requested a service to take them by cart to their train car and when the attendant showed up the lady said to him “it’s us and this lady too...” when he said they could only accommodate two, she said “we’d walk too, we’d be sitting long enough, we’ll walk.” Her gesture made me smile! ❤️ Friends can be literally made anywhere and gentle, loving people could be sitting next to us in a public place if only we give them a chance.  My prayer is that they love The Grand Canyon, and who wouldn’t, that they find peace and renewal there and that the gentleman received excellent news on his next appointment. Help me pray for him.  His name is Mike.

Michelle just sent me pictures of their celebrations for Stan at home.  We always LOVE celebrating birthdays for each other and it’s always a full day event, from sunrise to dusk.  I love that they have done all the things, all of our birthday rituals for him, and I particularly love the fact that my girls have adopted all of those rituals and traditions I initiated since they’ve been little. Big love here!!! 

We just past the Mississippi River and the sun is starting to set.  I’m looking out the window feeling the most relaxed I’ve felt in a LONG time!!! I’m waiting for my attendant to bring me dinner, I decided to go with Chicken Marsala with cavatappi pasta, broccoli and carrots in a Marsala wine sauce.  A side salad and for dessert, a brownie, yum!!! He asked me if I wanted to dine in the dining car or have room service tonight and I decided to stay “in”, I’m too relaxed and I want to soak in this moment of joy. 

An hour after dinner, they’ll come to turn my bed for the night so I can relax even more, ahhhh so amazing! I am completely loving this.  My pillows are delicious too, and I’m pretty confident I’ll have the best sleep tonight I’ve had in months and I need it.

I’m wearing the two bracelets my friend gave me in memory of my dad and brother with a message imprinted on the inside and also a blessing blessing that I received from another friend. On my lap, I have the prayer blanket my cousin and her family sent me when my brother died and the views, the three bracelets wrapping my wrist and the blanket are comforting me and making me feel at peace.

I haven’t cried once since I boarded the train, only once over breakfast when I mentioned something about my brother to Stan and the girls, and my soul feels more at peace today.  Maybe this is just what I needed to start healing. 

I’m off now to continue to enjoy this ride, the views, the food, my comfy private room, and soon my bed with some movie I’ll find on Netflix.  

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

It’s almost midnight and I’m sitting in the solitude of the kitchen.  My family has gone to sleep already and I hear nothing but the sound of the refrigerator running.  It’s very quiet, I can almost hear my heart beating.

Today was “one of those days”... you know, the kind of day when nothing makes sense and the world seems to be against you for some reason. Ok, that might sound dramatic, but today was not a great day for me, although some good things DID happen and for that I am very thankful, those things saved the day and helped me stay sane.

By the time I came home from work tonight I felt physically, emotionally and spiritually spent.  Not a good combination, is it? I did a LOT of running around today to get ready for my trip, and in between I experienced some chaos and conflict and just yucky stuff.  Today was the kind of day where all the things that happened to me, if they were to happen, they should’ve been spread out so I could tolerate them better.  Well, life doesn’t work that way, and as I’ve learned lately even more, we don’t always get what we want.  I cried a few times today.  Some of those tears were quiet and few, some other tears were plentiful and very painful.  My heart is dealing with quite a lot these days and sometimes I wonder how I’m managing, but I think I might know the answer. 

Happy to share that some of those tears were JOYFUL tears, tears of joy, tears of appreciation, tears of feeling loved.

I was in the office this afternoon and one of our parishioners stopped by exclusively to say goodbye and wish me a great trip, I was a sobbing mess of a person after that.  Another parishioner stopped by the office yesterday to give me a card for my mom and wish me a good trip as well.  I cried both times, especially today, because my emotions were raw, and as much as I tried, I couldn’t contain the tears.  So is life. 

Tonight, I walked into a friend while I was running errands and she said to me “so glad I see you today, I have something for you in the car, let me go grab it, I’ve had it there for a while.” How amazing that we happened to see each other TODAY, the day before I left for my trip and the gift and card is just what my heart needed today.  That was a God sighting for me! ❤️

I might not be fully packed yet, but I can already taste a glimpse of joy in the air. I’m ready.  I’m so ready for some time off, for some me time, and especially ready to see my mom and my brother, Will.  Bittersweet moments awaiting too, but I’m ready for it all.

May we always remember to be KIND to others as we don’t know what storms other people are going through when we interact with them.  Kindness.  Kindness makes the world a better place for everyone, and it really is simple to do. 💛 

Tuesday, April 13, 2021

One of the things I treasure more than anything is my alone time in the mornings.  Me, myself and my coffee.  

Life has been very, very busy and sort of extraordinary in a complicated kind of way for me in the last few years and my alone time at the start of the day is sacred, literally.  It’s my time to pray, even if I’m not reciting traditional prayers.  It’s my time to meditate, to think about whatever my heart is feeling, to think about nothing and just stare at something that represents nature, even on winter days.  Solitude and coffee, and journaling is the zen to the everyday chaos and busyness of life.  If I don’t have even a few minutes to myself in the mornings, I feel out of balance the rest of the day.

I’m sitting in a recreation center near my house, there is no one here, expect a group of landscapers who are working the land of this place in a peaceful and quiet way.  The birds are chirping nonstop (must be Spring!), the wind is calm and the air is just the perfect crisp of cool and my heart is HAPPY, content, joyful.  I could sit here for another hour. 

This morning I had to get up earlier than usual -insert many 😴🥱 emojis here- to drive Stan to work.  We are still looking for a car him, the Mini Cooper is history now.  The car ride allowed us to talk about things we usually don’t have time to talk about at home, and then on my way back, I decided to get a cup of coffee and sip it in the peace and quiet before heading to work.  I have a full day of work and things to check off my to do list and this quiet moment right now feels amazing. 

Maybe this is what retirement will feel like? 🤔 Lots of quiet mornings, coffee in hand, journaling, reading some, and then maybe some exploring and a project or two to keep the mind and body engaged and active. 😍

I guess I’ll start my work day shortly, but not before sitting here for another 20 minutes at least to refuel and take the beauty of this Spring day in! 

Be KIND, feel joy! 💛

Monday, April 12, 2021

It’s 11 pm and I’m just settling in for the night. It’s been a very long day, but it was a very productive day, AND I even visited with a good friend over a yummy lunch. 

My lunch today was with a friend I’ve known for over two decades, but it’s always been just a friendly exchange of hellos for us.  Life, similarities and grief brought us together at a deeper level and I can sincerely say that I think I just made a new best friend.  Our conversation was simply flowing and we had SO much to talk about that we could’ve talked for two more hours if it hadn’t been for the fact that the restaurant was closing and we were the last two customers“standing” there! 😂

As philosophical as it might sound, my soul connected with hers and I knew I could trust her with everything and anything I needed to share.  I walked out of the restaurant feeling a little lighter and a lot more grateful for the opportunity to create new bonds and for the start of a new friendship.

I love honesty, I love genuine encounters, I LOVE conversations when I can be myself 100% with no inhibitions or fear of being judged.  

My feet are tired but my soul is wide awake.  Grateful for a new friendship and thankful for the moments that life blessed me with today.

Just a few days away from a very well deserved vacation, and I can hardly wait. ❤️

Sunday, April 11, 2021

I went to bed last night thinking I was going to have a really relaxing day today and it ended up being one of the busiest weekend days I’ve had in a while.  Some work projects came up, and before I knew it, it was dinner time.

Stan and I met friends for dinner for the first time since the lockdown started and it felt really good to be out.  They’ve all had their two covid doses and that felt good too. It’s amazing how much we took for granted precovid times.

I talked to my mom for a little bit today and that’s always a nice treat.  We talked about her mom, my grandma and my mom’s siblings.  Today is my grandma’s 15th year death anniversary.  That year, in 2006, my mom lost her mom in April, her brother in May and another brother in August.  3 important and immediate family members in four months.  She said she remembers the sadness of all those losses that year, so terrible. It feels like yesterday, and at the same time like ages ago. 

I have a very busy day at work tomorrow and quiet a few projects to work on... SO looking forward to my trip to visit family and hopefully a few days of much needed relaxation. 💛

Saturday, April 10, 2021

This morning I woke up to a new birthday, this morning I welcomed my 49th birthday! 💛

This morning I also woke up feeling very nostalgic, more sad than nostalgic actually.  It all started last night, I sat in the living room for two hours by myself after everyone had gone to sleep, and just cried myself silly.  I will not apologize for my tears, they are healing me and I needed them.  I went to bed eventually and I welcomed the new day in a somber kind of state.  I’ve always loved celebrating birthdays but this one felt different.  I knew I wouldn’t be getting the annual birthday email from my brother wishing me all kinds of amazing things and telling me how much I meant to him.  I wouldn’t be getting texts from him throughout the day asking me how my day was going and what the girls and Stan were doing to celebrate me.  And I wouldn’t get the “sister, when I have money I’m going to get you a real nice gift!” He was the forever starving artist, with the BIGGEST heart who gave the little he had to those that needed it most.

I really struggled getting up this morning and starting the day.  I really struggled to feel excited about the celebrations the girls and Stan had planned, then I happened to open social media and I was faced with the harsh “news” that today was siblings day, I almost wished I hadn’t seen it, but I can’t escape reality and definitely can’t hide from the real world.  I’ve never been a fan of holidays for many reasons, today was one of those days.

My journal page has always had the intention of keeping things real, and this is me right now so I had to share.

I called my mom back this afternoon to catch her up on my day, she was curious as to what we had been doing to celebrate my day, and then she says “how are you? How are you doing? Are you ok?” She knows, she knows ME, she’s my mom.  She said “it’s not you, you happy self, I love you!” Well, you can just imagine it was like te Hoover Dam itself had the biggest leak ever recorded in the history of leaks. I was honest with her and I told her I was struggling, she comforted me, her words comforted me, but her love provided me the healing I so very much needed today. 

The girls and Stan were simply AMAZING today!!! They decorated the whole kitchen with birthday banners and signs, the girls made the most delicious veggie omelettes, bacon, and fruit and of course, plenty of coffee.  We ate, we talked and Stan prayed the most beautiful table blessing for my birthday.  After breakfast, I went to the living room to relax on the couch and catch up on my shows which I haven’t had much time to watch lately, and I ended up falling asleep, I wonder why?

They all cleaned the kitchen together and the girls got to work to make me a homemade cake that was delicious and SO beautiful!!!  Yesterday they asked me what I wanted for dinner and Chinese food somehow sounded good to me.  We ordered take out from a new local restaurant that did not disappoint, it was delicious! After dinner, we had cake and now we are getting ready to watch a movie.  I have nowhere to go tomorrow until the evening and I’m planning on sleeping in and catching up on some snoozes I’m behind, I hope I can make it happen.

Although this year’s birthday celebrations feel different, I am VERY, incredibly grateful for another year of life, for the amazing love of so many friends and family and for the gift of having the opportunity to continue this journey on this earth with even more awareness, more kindness and with hope and faith.

My fortune cookie read, “the current year will bring you much happiness.”  I’ll take it! 🥠

365 days ‘till the big 5️⃣0️⃣!!! Let the adventures and moments of joy of this current year begin... ❤️

Friday, April 9, 2021

Another rainy day in the Windy City! 

I went outside for a few minutes because I have to in the mornings no matter what the weather is like, and it was a little chillier than I anticipated, so I’m sitting in my favorite corner of the kitchen, sipping my coffee and eating one of my cousin’s AMAZING tortillas that she sent me a few days ago but I couldn’t eat until today because of Whole30, but it was worth the wait because they are simply delicious!!! 

Speaking of Whole30... yesterday I completed day 30 of the program and it never felt better!!! This round was TOUGH for me on so, so many levels.  Being the emotional eater that I am and having to deal with so many emotions lately, it meant, I didn’t have that emotional “escape” to food to quench and pacify all the things I’ve been feeling, instead, I did it with all whole foods and lots of veggies and fruits and a few almonds here and there.  It was definitely not a walk in the park, but it was worth every single hour spent cooking and shopping and prepping and telling myself “you can do this, Maria, you got this!!!” 🥳💪🏻

Today is my brother’s two month anniversary, how can that be?! Two months of waking up everyday knowing he is never coming back.  Two months of convincing myself that it is real, that he really IS gone, two months of excruciating pain in my heart and in my soul and in my physical body feeling all the feelings.  I’m making progress I promise, but the journey is as long and complex as the Grand Canyon, with many ins and outs, many valleys, many uphills and downhills, MANY colors and in all that, beauty as well.  The beauty of learning that life is deeper and so much more meaningful than I ever understood before, the beauty of learning about my own life and the life of those around me, the beauty of appreciating the things that matter and not let the other things bother me.  Big lessons I really wasn’t prepared to learn, I was ok in my oblivious world of “going with the flow”.  As much as I hate this process and this experience (yes, I do hate it!), I am also learning to welcome all the lessons that is teaching me and learning to grow from them.  Miss you brother! 💙

Interesting thing is, today is my brother’s two month anniversary, but I actually woke up thinking about my dad and missing him a lot! I think that it’s due to the fact that I’ll be visiting my hometown soon and I always looked forward to seeing him brew coffee and drinking his coffee, he was the best at it, a coffee connoisseur for sure!!! Like father, like daughter, he’s the one that taught me all about coffee, and to love it the way I do.  Coffee for me is more than the taste and the temperature and the mug, it’s about memories, it’s about remembering, it’s about LOVE. 

I’m off to work soon, but first I’m stopping at church to attend Mass.  A dear friend of mine ordered Masses for him every month on his anniversary, and I’m finding out that attending those Masses and hearing his name (as hard as it is) it also brings me comfort to know that an entire community of faith is also praying for him and remembering him. 

I have a very busy day ahead, keeping a doctor’s appointment for Bella, meeting a friend for lunch and working on many, many projects at work, but I’m ready to tackle the day with the best and most joyful disposition I can offer right now. 🥰

Have a lovely and KIND day! 💛

Thursday, April 8, 2021

It’s 60 degrees and raining and I’m joyfully sitting on the porch taking it all in and thinking of my dad.  My dad LOVED days like this one, cool, rainy and cloudy days were his favorite.  

We used to have metal rocking chairs when I was growing up and it was my dad’s favorite past time to sit on the porch to observe and enjoy a good thunderstorm.  My mom would get furious and nervous and would yell from the kitchen, “come inside the house you crazy man, you’ll get struck by lightning!” And my dad would yell back, “so be it, I’ll die happy then!” 

And so my dad would sit on the porch rocking back and forth, sipping his coffee and taking it all in, while my mom paced back and forth in the kitchen mumbling under her breath about how crazy he was! Good times!!! 😂

Yesterday I was filming something for work outside since it was such a beautiful day and while the video was rolling, I found a corner of the courtyard to simply enjoy nature, the beauty of the trees and flowers blooming and the birds chirping.  I looked up to focus on the clouds, I love looking at the sky, I’ve always had, and the sky was particularly blue and beautiful yesterday.  As I kept my eyes on the sky, I couldn’t help it but to think about my dad and my brother and wondered if they were somewhere there, in that infinite blue sky, looking down on us and watching over us.  All of a sudden, out of nowhere, two beautiful cardinals landed on a tree branch that was right next to where I was standing.  They sat there for a minute or so, and then flew away together into that pretty blue sky.  And that moment alone, gave me the peace I needed yesterday.  The phrase “one day at a time...” has never had more weight and value as it does now. 

Yesterday, my mom got her first dose of the Covid vaccine and watching her get the shot was very meaningful and emotional for me. My family has suffered the devastating effects of this awful and deadly virus, and this opportunity to receive the vaccine was a glimpse of hope in the midst of so much loss.  I pray than more and more people continue to receive this vaccine.  People of all colors and economic backgrounds. Very thankful for science and the brilliant minds behind these vaccines, guided by the hands of God.

I have so much to do today in preparation for my trip to visit my family, but I woke up a little deflated today. Hoping to perk up soon so I can go on with the day...

“If you have one hour of air 

and many hours to go,

you must breath slowly.

If you have one arm’s length 

and many things to care for,

you must give freely.

If you have one chance to know God

and many doubts, you must

set your heart on fire.

We are blessed.

Each day is a chance.

We have two arms

Fear wastes air.”

~Mark Nepo

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Today I woke up tired, yes, after a full night’s sleep, I woke up tired.  I had so many dreams, and I can’t remember any of them, it was just a strange combination of weird dreams.  My mind was spinning yesterday about different things, and I felt unsettled a few times, I’m sure that had to do with some of it.

I have a long to do list today, work mainly, along a couple of personal things.  Getting ready to leave for my trip to visit family has taken on a new level of responsibility, but it’ll feel amazing once I’m officially on my way and I can hug my mom and my brother.

Today is day 29 of my 4th round of Whole30 and in all honesty, this round has been way harder than the first one I ever did!!!  I’m an emotional eater, and these past few months I’ve had ALL the emotions under the sun, so staying focused on a certain food group and caving in to cravings, and processed sugary and salty snacks has been challenging at times, but I haven’t been able to control much in my life lately, and this felt like something I could “claim” and call it mine and help myself feel better in many ways too.  A couple of times I thought about just giving up, or starting over again, but I’m so glad I didn’t!!!  Whole30 will always be the perfect way to reset my relationship with food and the way I eat. 

Off to work now.  Gotta finish packing my meals and snacks so I’m not tempted to eat other things. Meal planning is a game changer during Whole30! 

Hopeful for a good day ahead, a productive day and most importantly a KIND day!  May our paths only cross the paths of people of goodwill that help us see life through a lens of love, understanding and care. 💛

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

I’m sitting on my porch eating breakfast and drinking a cup of coffee. It’s a GLORIOUS Spring day in Chicago!!! Sunny, mid 70’s and it feels like a gift, it is a gift and I’ll be enjoying it all day as long as I can.

I’ve been working since the very early hours of the day trying to get ahead of my work game, so this feels like a refresher of sorts and much more peace and quiet and disconnect I needed from the busy day ahead. 

Yesterday I was off from work, our office always closes on Easter Monday since the majority of the staff is very busy working on Holy Week, Triduum and Easter Masses, the holiest and busiest days of the year for churches

Having a day off meant, lots of free time, which I desperately needed but then it also meant, LOTS of time to think and ponder and question and feels all those feelings I avoid feeling when I’m not working.  I thought about my dad and brother a lot yesterday on and off, especially about my brother and I cried a few tears (twice) during the day when I thought of my brother. I feel so cheated by life, and I refuse to make any apologies, or pretend that my faith and all the love will pacify and take away those feelings of hurt my heart can’t avoid.  I am healing, but the healing road is rocky, hard, muddy, soul carving and VERY confusing!!! 

I close my eyes and I see him.  I close my eyes and I see his smile.  I close my eyes and I hear him.  My fingers twinge every time I want to ask him something.  I want someone to call me and tell me it was all a lie, a bad joke, that he’s been in some hospital recovering and that he’s coming home soon.  Home to US, to family on this earthly journey.  He was only 46 and he had SO many unfinished projects, at least from my human perspective.  Oh well... I know it’s too early to feel “healed”, maybe I’ll never heal completely, but I am hopeful that the day will come when my soul doesn’t experience anguish when I think of him.

Our family is going through a few other dark valleys right now, and I am just about ready for happier days ahead, and when that happens, we will be celebrating every accomplishment, every success, every extraordinary and ordinary life event!!! 

I think I’ll sit here, outside, feeling the sun and listening to no one for a few minutes more before I have to take care of the next thing.  So grateful for peaceful moments during the day.

May you experience KINDNESS throughout the day! 💛

Monday, April 5, 2021

Happy Easter Monday! 💐

I’m sitting in the front porch sipping a cup of coffee, a mug with bunny feet because Easter of course! 🥰

You know those mornings with your family when everything seems and feels in perfect harmony?! This is our morning today and I couldn’t be more thankful for it.  We haven’t had a lot of those days lately, and this feels like a special treat, a blessing.

The girls spent about an hour in Michelle’s bedroom laughing and talking, talking and laughing, and the noise (and they are loud! 😂) coming from her bedroom was music to my ears, I LOVE those moments, moments that won’t last long as life transitions and changes constantly.

Then came downstairs eventually to make breakfast and they are sitting in the family room watching a show and chatting, those two always have a lot to talk about and discuss, I so love that!

Even though my office is closed today for Easter Monday, I still had to do a little bit of work from work to prepare for the week ahead, but it feels good now to have that accomplished so I can really enjoy the rest of the day now.

Stan and I sat on the porch earlier this morning for a little while to talk and make some plans, I love my alone time with him, he makes me laugh and his kind spirit always comforts me, he’s one of those great humans.

A day to rest, to catch up on tv shows, to eat yummy food and MAYBE take a nap if my busy brains allows me. 😉

Have yourself a KIND day! 💛

Sunday, April 4, 2021

Easter Sunday was a little bit of everything!!! ☕️

My alarm went off at 6 am after barely 5.5 hours of sleep the night before, I was so, so tired I could hardly gather enough energy to get in the shower and get ready for work/church, but I did like a champ! 💪🏻 

Easter Masses were beautiful and it’s always so gratifying seeing the many volunteers in action in many different roles.  By the end of the third Mass of the day, I could literally barely keep my wedges on, my feet were screaming, take them off, take them off, but hey, I don’t get to wear them often, and Easter was a perfect opportunity for that, regardless of all the running around I had to do.

Right after work, Stan and I headed out  to Trader Joe’s to get a few extra things I needed for dinner and after grocery shopping I dropped him off and I went on an Easter “hunt” by myself to a few things for the girls Easter baskets, yes, I still get them Easter baskets at almost 19 years old and 23! 😍

After those two errands, I was SOOO tired, oh my goodness, and hungry and thirsty and I decided to go through the DD drive thru and get me large iced coffee with almond milk, no sugar, no cream, because, Whole30 you know! 😉

Dinner was simply delicious, a super generous amount of assorted roasted veggies, steak and salmon, coffee and fruit for me and lamb cake for the girls and Stan, yum!!! 

A wonderful day, and I almost made it through the day not shedding a tear, until a parishioner gently and lovingly approached me and asked me a few questions about my family, and the tears just came out. He listened, I shared a few stories, and I felt his gentleness comfort me.  Throughout the Triduum and Easter celebrations I couldn’t help it but to wonder, “are my dad and my brother celebrating now? Front row style?” I’d like to think, YES!

The gift of the Resurrection healed me a little more these last few days, I’m thankful for those opportunities.

Happy Easter, Christ is Risen, Alleluia! 💛

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Oh my goodness, what a busy, busy day today was, I’m sitting down for the first time all day and it’s almost 11 pm, BUT, it was a pretty awesome day, filled with faith, and community celebrating the Easter Vigil at church, and some other fun things at work. 

Being a church lady means, lots of work around Holy Week, and I love it all!!! I am looking forward to a little bit of down time in the next couple of days, and maybe even some sleep which I haven’t had much lately.

Good night, be kind! 💛

Friday, April 2, 2021

First, let me just share a little bit about the wonderful first celebration of the Easter Triduum at church last night.  It felt like such an honor and a huge blessing to be able to celebrate Holy Thursday with community, last year was such a different scenario, an empty church that reminded us of The Valley of darkness we were going through with Covid. Last night felt like a new beginning in some way and it felt very good to pray together with our community of faith.

Yesterday morning before getting ready for work I called my mom just as I call her every day.  Some days, twice a day, some days multiple times, other days, depending on how busy I am at work, once a day, but always at least once a day.

Yesterday, our conversation started like  most others, “how are you? How’s your day going? What did you have for breakfast? What’s new?!” My mother always greets me as if that very moment was the BEST moment of her life! She’s simply amazing.

The night before, my mom and my brother Will had attended my uncle’s funeral Mass and she shared that with all the condolences given and received at church, by the time my brother and my mom went home, they felt tired, spiritually, heart grieved and both my mom and Will lost their sleep at night.  Interesting thing is, I couldn’t sleep that same night either! I tossed and turned until around 1 am or thereabouts and then I was up at 6 am or so, a bad night of uneasiness, thinking, feeling, anticipating, anxiety I guess? I couldn’t sleep, they couldn’t sleep either, none of us shared that with each other, until the next day, and it amazed me to think how much in symphony we were with each other, thousands of miles away and not even knowing what each of our hearts were feeling, we were are all grieving in our own ways.  My mom said that my uncle’s funeral Mass came to shake and awaken the loss and sadness of loosing my dad and brother, and brought feelings she had been hiding without realizing it. 

We started talking about my dad and my brother, things they’d do, and say, and how my dad would’ve been anxious to leave on time for my uncle’s funeral. My dad hated being late for anything!!! He was always the first one to arrive at scheduled events, especially church, so often my dad would start walking to church if he’d notice everyone else was running late, tardiness was definitely one of his biggest pet peeves.

Speaking of dad, my mom was telling me that as they are going through belongings of my dad and brother in the house, they are finding new “treasures” and bittersweet surprises.  My brother Will was going through my dad’s wallet and he found a few religious medals and prayer cards, and in one compartment of his wallet, 3, yes, THREE pictures of my brother Jesús! None of Will’s or mine, Will jokingly said “there you go, cat is out of the bag, now we know who his favorite was!” 😁 We laughed a little.  My mom said, “your dad LOVED your brother and had great admiration for him.” My brother was an amazing, respectful and loving son too.

Will said later, “I bet if we go through mom’s wallet now, we’d find only pictures of you, but I’m cool with that!” Haha he is, we always joked about stuff like that, like many families “mom, dad, who is your favorite child...?” 😉

As we started sharing about my dad and my brother she said “I’m waiting for a bread delivery.” Sweet bread from a local bread artisan that my mother loves.  Then she said “Jesús used to place this bread order for me every month, and he’d talk to the bread maker every time he came to deliver.” And then my mom started crying and said “it’s those little things I miss, the every day things... I miss him.” 

Of course, I started crying too, first, because hearing my mother cry for my brother hurt me a great deal, second, because I too miss him a LOT. Then, my mom said something very interesting, she said “this is the first time I’ve cried since your dad and your brother died, I don’t know why, but I couldn’t before.” Then she said, “this feels good, I feel peace, these tears are healing me.” 

We talked about the importance of crying and grieving and that it’s ok to miss them and to hurt for their absence and I told her to get ready for a few more tears, because I’ll be there soon to visit and God knows I’ve perfected my ability to cry and to grieve and to acknowledge the deep pain my heart and soul have been feeling.  I said “mama, get ready, because we will cry together, we will heal together and we will remember dad and Jesús and their time with us and create new memories too...” she liked that. 

My mom shared something special with me yesterday. Something I’ve never heard before, she’d never shared that with me before. She said that a few months before my brother’s passing (obviously, none of us knew that would happen when it did, a sudden and unexpected death like that), she said that in the evening, while saying goodnight sometimes my brother would hug her very, very tightly, kiss her and embrace her for a while and say “I love you very, very much.  It was a pleasure journeying with you in this earthly life. In case something happens to me overnight, I’ll see you on the other side.” ❤️

Did my brother had some type of premonition of what was coming?! I guess we’ll never know, or maybe we will know, some day.

My mom said she’d say to him “omg, don’t say that!” And he’d give her one more hug, smile that sweet gentle smile of his, say I love you and good night, and off he’d go.

The bread artisan told my mom that he cried a lot when he heard about my brother’s passing, that it shocked him. He said “what a nice guy he was!” If you had met my brother, there is no possible way you’d had a different impression of him, he went through life GLOWING from the love he gave to others and the many acts of kindness he did and how he served the unprivileged without making much fuss, without being noticed. 

Grief, we are learning, is a very complex process.  A painful, life changing, transforming and also beautiful process.  Grief teaches us to capture life in it’s pure form, and to put aside all the other things that don’t matter. Grief IS transforming in so many ways, and as painful as it feels, and as awful as it is to have been put on this path, I’m slowly and gracefully (on most days) embracing the lessons that it’s teaching me. 

Mama, I’m coming, and we will do all the crying, and all the laughing and all the treasuring of memories, and all the healing we need to do together, and you too brother (Will), I’ll even put your picture in my wallet. ❤️

Thursday, April 1, 2021

SO much happening in mg heart right now, so many emotions, so much more growth to look forward to.

I am so, so, so excited to welcome April, it’s always been one of my favorite months of the year, if not my favorite month of the year.

A month to celebrate Easter and rejoice in our faith.  It’s my birthday 😍, Stan’s birthday 🥰, our Wedding Anniversary 👩‍❤️‍👨, 25 years this year, amazing!!! And it’s also the birthday month of a few dear, dear friends of mine, and I absolutely love celebrating their birthdays as well! ❤️🎉 

This year, April comes with an extra joyful bonus for me, I get to travel to my hometown to visit my mom and brother Will, to reconnect, to make new memories, to embrace our love and our lives together in a different way, to talk, to cry together, to laugh, to celebrate life and to soak in the blessings of life.  The many blessings of life that I feel grateful to recognize in the midst of grief.  Life is a journey, and we have so much to learn every day. 

Today marks the first day of the Paschal Triduum, the holiest time in the Catholic Church.  I’ve always loved the Triduum, it’s sorrows and it’s joys, and the gentle reminders of who we are.  Being a church employee means, lots of work during these days, days in which more people have time off from work, to be home, to rest, to do leisure things, but I wouldn’t change that for the world, I love the good that comes from this busy time of the year, and it’s a privilege to be able to serve a community of faith i so much love and appreciate.  If you are observe these Christians rituals, I wish you a blessed and Holy Triduum of prayer and spiritual growth. ✝️

Even though the sun is shinning in the most beautiful of ways this morning, it’s very cold outside, Chicago sunshine fools us sometimes, but I did sit outside for a few minutes this morning to read a page of this prayers for healing book. I’m comfortably sitting in my living room right now, all by myself, well, not by myself, sorry Daisy! Daisy is sitting on the floor by my feet, and I love it.  The girls are in the kitchen making breakfast, talking, laughing, goofing around and I’m loving that background noise too.

A Joyful and KIND month of April to all! 💛🌻💛

“Lift up your hearts.  Each new hour holds new chances for new beginnings.” Maya Angelou