Thursday, July 1, 2021

Welcome, July!!! ❤️

I don’t know why, but I’ve been waiting for this day with open arms! It almost feels like a new beginning of sorts, like a mid “New Year” celebration, and I need all the celebrations I can take these days.  July… I’m so happy you are here!!! ☀️

Another day, another month, another opportunity to welcome joy filled moments, to laugh more, to meet new people, to enjoy the presence and the life of all of those walking alongside our life journey. Another chance at personal and spiritual growth, and also, more healing. 

I’m off from work today and I’m actually very happy it ended up working out this way.  Being home will allow me to have less distractions and be more aware of the now. 

July is also the birthday month of my the baby of the family, our Bella girl! She brings us so much joy to our days, and we can’t wait to celebrate her at the end of the month.  In the meantime, I’ll dedicate this month to her! ☺️🥰🎈

July Bella tales take 1! 🎬

When Bella was 3 years old, she started going to preschool classes two times a week for a couple of hours.  During the entire school year and EVERY SINGLE TIME I picked her up, the moment the preschool door opened and the teachers said, “go on, you can to your mom now.” She’d go up to me with the BIGGEST smile, and happily and lousy say, “can I please have a ham and cheese sandwich when I get home???” 😍

One day, a mom approached me and said, “you must make the best ham and cheese sandwiches, she’s always so excited to eat them!” Haha! I will never forget that story. 

Bella loved my ham and cheese sandwiches for sure, but I think what she loved most (just like I did), was coming home with mom, to a place of comfort and love, rest and play, and feeling so, so loved!  My little girl with her adorable curls and sparkly personality will always have a special place in my heart. ❤️

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

It’s almost 11 pm and I’m just sitting down.  It’s been a very long day, but I like it that way right now.  I was telling a friend today that, I’m thankful for the work and distractions, it’s definitely helping stay afloat. 

Bella is having a sleepover at her friend’s house, Michelle is in New York (we were texting just now about a new show she’s watching), and Stan is sleeping.  Daisy is sleeping too.  The only sound I can hear in the house, is the refrigerator running, I don’t even have the tv on.  It feels very peaceful.

This day ended with another beautiful sky. A beautiful sunset painted with many colors. I love looking at the sky, I talk to God every time I look up, we’ve had some serious conversations lately.  Free therapy sessions, every single time I direct my eyes towards the clouds. 💙

I’m off from work tomorrow.  The office will be closed, and I get to stay home. My plans for tomorrow’s day off? Nada! Absolutely, NADA! I’m hoping I can sleep in (doubt it), but at least, I can sip my coffee on the porch, and take my time doing whatever all day. Nice!!! 🥰

Good night month of June.  Thank you for the lessons learned. Looking forward to welcoming July. ☀️

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Another rainy and very wet morning! I feel like I live in Seattle now! 😁☔️

Although my hair is not so much appreciating the humidity, the grass and the trees are SO happy, I can almost see them smiling! Grass greener than green! 🌿

Last night I met an old group of friends for dinner at a local restaurant and we really had one of the best times, I can almost speak for all of them.  For me, it was the first time to laugh out loud and burst out laughing, I always think of my brother JR during moments like that, because no one has ever made me laugh as much as he made me laugh, sigh, yes, I will always miss that, but I’m thankful for friends and other family members that can make me snort when I laugh, the BEST kind of laughter!!!

This morning I woke up thinking about the gift of friendship, and most importantly, the gift of genuinity… is that even a word?! Well, I like it, and you get my idea I hope! 😉

This group of moms have children my girls ages, most of us even have children exactly the same ages as my girls.  I’ve known them and their kids since they were all kindergartners and it’s really strange to talk about them in the adult form, independents (well, almost!) and making or trying to make their way in the world.

My friends and I talked about a lot of different things.  We covered everything from the pandemic, to our home situations, OUR CHILDREN (this subject tends to occupy most of the time usually), travels, our broken parts, and we also day dreamed about making fun plans for the future.

I don’t see these women all that often, but when I do, I always walk away refreshed and more confident about my place in the world, right that moment.  Why? Because we always show up exactly as we are, with our gifts and our flaws (God knows we have plenty of those!), and just as we are.  There is never sugar coating about who we are, and what our children’s lives look like in that moment, and I LOVE that! They always make me feel like after all, we are not as doomed as life is trying to make me feel, and that we all carry our own burdens, our own concerns for our children, and also, our very own joys which we are so proud of and we celebrate with each other. 

I got home last night from that dinner date and I sincerely felt a little lighter.  When someone shares with you their struggles, you feel (even if it’s for a moment), that life will be ok eventually, and that we just have to be patient, and we also learn in the process to “savor” the yuck, which is teaching such important life lessons and helping us grow so, so much!!!

Yes, for authenticity!

Yes, for imperfections!

YES, for friends and family who show up JUST as they are, with their good, the bad and the ugly!!! We need those people, we need that tribe, they are the healings and the lovers and the ones who will go through your back door and knock again when you didn’t want to open the front door in fear of being “seen”. 

Today, I’m feeling a little more healed, and a whole lot more thankful!!! ❤️

Monday, June 28, 2021

It’s a morning for some porch seating, and coffee sipping and I’m loving every minute of it.  It rained last night, the grass is wet and it’s a cloudy day, but I’m loving the temps! A cool 70 degree, perfect for a walk later today. 

I woke up well rested (that hasn’t happened in a long time), and with lots of thoughts going through my mind. The philosophical kind of thoughts! 🥰

For some reason, I woke up this morning thinking about the gifts of life found in the ordinary, the every day ins and outs of our every day routine.  I don’t think we pay much attention to that.  On most days, we tend to give more attention and focus on the extraordinary, the BIG moments of our lives, the milestones, the flashy events and extravagant excitements of our lives.  Those are super important too, of course, don’t get me wrong!  I think we SHOULD celebrate big moments, and accomplishments and milestones in our lives, those special moments make us smile a little bigger and it’s usually offers an extra boost to our lives. But I also think there is so much that goes “unnoticed”, so much that can count for a lot, that we barely pay attention to.

The more birthdays I celebrate, and the older my kids get, the more I realize that true happiness, real joy resides in the ordinary of our lives.

It’s almost a given to celebrate anniversaries, graduations, milestones, big occasions; but when I look back, even now, what I really miss, and what makes me the happiest even thinking about it, is the ordinary of our every day lives. 

Bath time at night for our girls when they were little.  I can still smell their shampoo and feel the bubbles in my hands and hear their giggles.  

Family dinners around the kitchen table, eating our favorite foods and everyone of us taking turns saying a table blessing before our meals.

Summer vacations to Door County and blueberry picking days when the girls were little.

Weekend bike rides, stops at a nearby lake and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on our way back home to get energized. 

Splash pads and sprinklers in the backyard on a hot summer day, while I watched them play, and a table with plenty of their favorite snacks, watermelon and drinks for when they got hungry or thirsty. 

Movie night and endless cuddles on the couch. 

My parents delighting in their granddaughters every time we flew out for a visit, and sitting around my mom’s kitchen eating all the delicious food she always cooked for us.

Oh, and the list could go on and on and on, I’d be here all day going down memory lane. 

Those ordinary, made extraordinary moments for me right now are, walks with Stan and Bella on a summer night, and a stop at Dairy Queen on the way back home.  Movie night after a long work day.  Sipping Stan’s homemade lemonade on the deck, and talking with him about everything and nothing.  Meeting friends for dinner and laughing about silly things.  Wearing my favorite sunglasses and taking my time sipping my coffee on the porch. This list could also become a very large list, and I love that!!!

I think part of our journey of life is also welcoming the yuck, we’ll, maybe not “welcoming”, but accepting it as part of our journey, our many chapters, and growing from it.

Although, I love and enjoy the extraordinary moments, the “put on a fancy dress”, kind of moments, simplicity and ordinary will always have a special place in my heart.  Happiness versus joy.  Happiness is fleeting, joy is forever. 

May we be wide awake when we sip our morning cup of coffee, when sip our iced teas and lemonade, when we walk around the neighborhood, whether it involves ice cream or not, when we flip through the pages of our favorite book, when we stop to admire the flowers of our gardens, and we exchange conversations with strangers at the farmers market. 

There is so much beauty in the ordinary; pause, breathe in the love those moments bring into your life.  That’s where true magic dwells. ❤️

“… It’s ordinary to love the beautiful, but it’s beautiful to love the ordinary.” ~Unknown 

Sunday, June 27, 2021

It’s 7:45 pm and I just woke up from a 2 hour “evening” nap, I guess, lol! Have you heard of those? They are amazing! 😍

This was a super busy work weekend with a long to do list in the office and at Masses, but it was a great weekend!!! Restrictions were lifted with the new guidelines and it was great to welcome back to the church so many faces that have been away during the pandemic, it sure felt like a huge blessing! 

Speaking of blessings, I just have to keep mentioning my Vitamin D because I honestly feel like a completely different person, I feel like I can deal with life a little better, and my feet don’t feel as heavy on this new journey and chapter of my life.  So, so thankful!!!

I love working for a church because I’m always surrounded with loving, caring and compassionate people.  Also, people that also carry heavy burdens, and it’s a blessing to be able to support each other with our words, presence, and now hugs… grateful! 

I got a lot of hugs this weekend, and saw so many smiling faces and that was enough to boost anyone’s spirits.  I had meaningful conversations with two dear church friends.  Before one of our weekend Masses started, a lady I’ve known through church for many years asked me how I was doing.  She herself has experienced a great deal of loss in her life and has known grief at a personal level.  From the day I learned about her story years ago, she’s been constant in my prayers, and more recently has become a friend through that same grief that connects us, although our stories of grief are very different.  I trust her with my grief, I can be completely honest about my grief with her, I know she understands.  I was sharing with her that in ALL the losses we’ve had this year, which have been many, my brother’s is still the hardest for me to cope with.  She said something that made me think, made crave his absence again, and most importantly, something that validated how I feel about his passing. In all the things we talked about she said something like, “… we would like them to still be here, and be part of THIS (looking around), LIFE, love, US!” And that put it all together for me.  Yes, yes, YES! That’s what hurts the most I think, that I know he can’t be part of THIS, of the day to day, the ordinary, the extraordinary, the affection, the conversations, the love. Yes, of course, in a different way, they are always with us, but it’s very different. I’m learning to cope, I’m praying for acceptance and relying on the memories to carry me through the years ahead. 

At the end of one of the morning Masses, I spoke with a friend for a few minutes, and in our conversation we shared how wonderful it felt to be there without masks and to be able to feel a little more at peace and calm about the virus.  I said something like, “it’s been quite a year for everyone!” And she immediately said to me with the greatest of love and affirmation something like, “it has, but especially for you, it has been a very hard year for YOU, so much loss… can’t compare.”  That simple exchange of words meant a lot for me.  It reminded me that it’s OK, not to keep trying to normalize my losses, there is nothing ordinary or “normal” about all the losses our family has suffered this year.  It was almost as an awakening of sorts, and an opportunity for me to validate and recognize that my losses and my grief cannot compare to others, and that we all carry different burdens, and stories.  

My tears are lessening, my grief feels more tolerable, and little by little, I’m starting to make sense of this 10,000  piece puzzle life threw at me to be completed with NO picture to use as a model.  I’m working on it, and I’m hopeful that one day, I’ll proudly “look” at that life project, smile, and say, “you did it, well done!” ❤️

Saturday, June 26, 2021

Look how adorable this coffee mug is?! Bella brought it for me from her recent vacation to Florida, and I couldn’t love it more, I mean, even the handle is cute!!! 🥰☕️

It’s 9:15 pm and I just found sometime for myself to sit down and journal.  I’ve been up since 6:45 am and at work since close to 9 am, then came home late after a busy (but super productive and great) work day, ate something, sat on the couch to watch a show and fell asleep within seconds.  Ok, let’s rewind… the first thing before I ate dinner when I came home was, sit on the porch with Stan and a cup of coffee (my fourth one of the day 🙈), to talk and catch up about the day.

Today was the first day of weekend Masses at church after restrictions were lifted as far as registrations and mask wearing.  Lots of changes, new things to learn, but most importantly, lots of great excitement among people regarding the lifting of restrictions.  We continue to pray for life to feel more and more normal with each passing day.  As I say that, I realize that life will never be “normal” again for us, but I am starting to feel a little more optimistic and hopeful, and that is a GREAT blessing. 

In the middle of the day yesterday, I felt a burst of energy, and it caught me by surprise, then I realized that my Vitamin D prescription is finally working and I am telling you, it feels AMAZING!!! I was blaming my low energy, lack of enthusiasm and everything not so pleasant to my grief, and although that was a contributor, I think the fact that I was so deficient in Vitamin D, was a huge, huge contributor to how I was feeling.  Thank goodness for blood work and science, and “quick” fixes.  ☀️💊

I was sharing with Stan today about all the things I was able to accomplish today at work, and then I just said “I love my job!” and the simple fact of saying those words, brings me joy.  I love having the opportunity to use my creativity and especially, to serve such amazing and generous community of faith.  Thankful, thankful. ❤️

The quote below has nothing to do with anything I’ve shared today 😄, but I saw it a couple of days ago, loved it and decided to share it with all of you. 

“The least interesting thing about you, is what you look like.”  Mel Robins 

Love me some real talk! We are so much more than our looks, the essence of our souls is what really counts.  Forever and always. ❤️

Friday, June 25, 2021

Rain, rain, rain, so much rain!!! It’s been raining for almost a week straight and there is rain in the forecast for another good handful of days. 

I had a restless night last night, my mind has been all over the place these past few days and it’s making it hard to focus on sleep.  Crazy that I need to “focus” on sleep, but in order for me to get a good night’s sleep, I need to disconnect myself from electronics, and worrying at least 30 minutes before I go to sleep.  I have a night routine that usually works for me, but not last night.  Well, there are days, and there are days.

I’ve been especially preoccupied about the building in Florida that collapsed recently.  I keep thinking about the many people still trapped in that building, about their family members desperately looking for them, the people found dead and their poor families grieving them, the hurt, the missing, the rescuers, oh, the rescuers, I’ve been praying for them every hour of the day, that they may be protected and safe while risking their lives to save others, HEROES!!! May they be blessed, May they be blessed, May they be blessed!!! 

Life is so extremely fragile - for everyone - it doesn’t matter who you are, what you have, or where you came from, we are all together in this journey of life, to me, this is another reason, and opportunity to be kind, and to be loving and supportive.  

You can’t help it to think about Fred Rogers and his very well known phrase, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

So, so true!!! Helpers! There are helpers everywhere.  I’m always amazed at the generosity of strangers, willing to risk their own lives to help others.  Praying for the missing and their families, for the rescued and their families, for the rescue teams, and for all those involved in any way, shape or form in that rescue mission. 

God of all, we pray for those who respond at the first call, for those who rush toward danger, bringing hope and comfort; for those who serve, protect and guide others to safety.  Keep them in Your care and safely protect them as they follow Your command to love their neighbors. Amen. ❤️

Thursday, June 24, 2021

It’s a little chilly out, well, more like cooler Summer temps, it’s barely 70 degrees and cloudy, a perfect day for staying home and maybe taking a nap, ha, wishful thinking! 😉

The first thing that came up on my phone this morning, was a memory from 2012 from a live band my family and I enjoyed at the summer festival where I work.  I remember that day so, so well, I can almost feel the joy of the people we talked to that day, the food we ate and the music we listened to.  It was a great day.  My mom hasn’t been back to Chicago for a visit since that year, her eye sight worsen and her health started declining a bit, and Life got kind of complicated for her back in my hometown. Life happens, right?

I miss my mom’s visits to Chicago so much, and I can’t wait for her to visit again.  We are working on it, and I’m hopeful that we can make it happen this year, before winter, she doesn’t like winters in Chicago, at all!  She would have to come with a companion since she can’t travel alone anymore, but the more the better, and these days, I’d love all the visitors we can have.  It’s distraction, it’s entertainment, it’s LOVE. 

As I was looking for a cup to brew my coffee in this morning, the church’s Summer festival “Family Fest” official cup, almost screamed at me from the cabinet. I smiled at the coincidence. 

Maybe it’s a good omen, a sign, a blessing whispering, I’m on my way.  I hope that’s the case, and soon, I can have my beautiful mom here with us, visiting, eating all the Panera she wants - she LOVES Panera! - and maybe going for a walk at the Chicago Botanic Garden, another favorite spot for her.  I’m really looking forward to that, and I’m praying we can make it a reality. 💕

Yesterday I met two lovely friends for dinner who I’ve known for quite some time now, and I think that was my first outing with friends at a restaurant like that.  We sat outside and talked and talked, and what I really loved about our get together was their care and concern for all the things my family has been going through lately.  They asked questions and let me talk for as much as I wanted, I never felt a bit rushed or like I was inconveniencing them.  As I spoke, I felt my heart heal a little more, sharing about experiences and feelings that hurt us, in my own experience of grief at least, it’s very healing.  Talking about those things, and being accepted and loved in return is a huge blessing.  Of course, I could’ve talked all night about it, but the night wasn’t only for me 😄, and thank goodness, God knows I need all sorts of distractions these days, the good kind, the entertaining kind of distractions.  I finally said at one point, “enough of me, and my grief, let’s talk about you guys… tell me, tell me…” we laughed and we went on telling stories of our lives.  

We went on to tell stories of all kinds, I think we covered almost every subject.  I’d have to say that I was tempted to almost stay home yesterday, getting in the shower after a long work day, and putting on make up and getting ready to go out (believe me, don’t picture anything fancy, it was a cotton top and jeans for me haha, but clean hair and fresh make up is key! 😉), almost felt like a tiring thing to do, I’ve been that way lately, but when I push myself, and make myself go out or do something other than office work and household tasks, it transforms me.  I felt that way last night, transformed in some sort of way.  I’m thankful for friends that meet me right where I am right now, but also, friends and people that push me a little to get out of my comfort zone to breath a little and feel some joy.  I am blessed.

Bella is in Florida with friends right now having a great time, and she just texted Stan and I asking if we’d like a souvenir (well, Bella, just get it, don’t ask, lol!) anyways, Stan’s reply “mom doesn’t have enough coffee mugs, so one of those for her would be awesome!” Insert sarcasm here! 😂 And now, I can’t wait to see what that cup will look like, stay tuned! 😍☕️

Wednesday, June 23, 2021

Sitting by a pretty lake near my house.  It’s becoming one of my favorite spots to sit and reflect.  I love it here! 

Yesterday, the unbelievable happened. My aunt, my dad’s beloved sister Graciela died.  It seems like our treading in the water experience this year, it’s becoming harder and harder, and the water don’t seem to calm down.  When I shared the news with a close friend yesterday, she exclaimed, “omg, it feels as if your family is being wiped out!” Her comment took me my surprise and shook me a little, but I guess it seems that way.  This year 6 yes, SIX members of our family have died.  Four on my dad’s side, two on my mom’s side. All immediate family members. Three of those 6 family members in their 40’s and early 50’s.  Tragedy.  It doesn’t feel real.  My aunt lost her beloved son in law early this year, and then my dad, and then my uncle, her brother also.  This year of grief feels heavier and heavier every time, and although, we keep trying to focus on the good things, and the blessings and the memories and all that, enough is ENOUGH!  But enough of that.  Today, I choose to focus on my aunt and the blessing of her life in ours.

My aunt Graciela “Chela”, May as my dad’s closest sister, the sister he went to for everything, her confident, and his best friend.  My dad loved my aunt Chela.  We used to live in the same town, my dad’s birthplace (and mine too), but when we were little, we moved 200 miles away from his hometown, to my mom’s city of birth, the Capital of the state.  My dad’s and mu aunt’s coffee dates in the mornings, became a thing of the past, but their bond never changed, instead, I think it became stronger.  My aunt and her husband owned a grocery story and I remember visiting it every time we went to visit on vacation, and loving it because my aunt always let us go inside, behind the counter, a HUGE privilege for us kids, and pick whatever snacks we wanted before going outside to play while they visited.  Those were good days.  I can still feel the dust in my feet from running around outside and the heat of the summer on my face.

When my dad decided to stop driving the four hours by himself back to his hometown to visit, he would take the bus to go visit his sister and the people he loved there.  He always stayed at her house.  It was the place where he was always welcomed, no matter what day or time it was.  Welcomed with open arms.  There was a period of time when my dad and I struggled with our relationship and I always thought “my aunt must hate me now!” I thought my dad would probably be telling her tales of our broken relationship.  She never did of course, she loved me, and accepted me and probably had compassion and prayed for our relationship to heal.  It worked, and my dad and I were blessed with the most magical and God given reconciliation.

My dad and my aunt talked on the phone on a regular basis, they were always checking on each other, even if it was for a brief moment, w brief conversation.  When my dad got sick, my mom became very worried about sharing the news with my aunt, she knew it would devastate her, but she had no choice.  The day came to share the news of my dad’s passing, and the dread of the unwanted phone call became real.  My aunt was devastated.  Almost every time I thought about my dad after he died, I thought of my aunt, they’ve always had a close bond and loved and care about each other deeply.

After my dad died, my mom made a point to call my aunt often, at least once a week, to check on her, to chat, to ask how she was doing.  She didn’t do it out of responsibility, but out of love, for the love my dad had for his sister.  My aunt would call my mom too and ask about all of us, she was always interested in our lives, and wanted to know how we were doing.  I’m sure my mom will miss those phone calls now as well.  A heavy, heavy, heavy season of grief.  Almost hard to describe. 

I’m letting the cool air of this summer morning soothe me and dry my tears.  Tears of love, tears of grief, tears of pain, but also, tears of thankfulness for the memories we created, and the blessings of family bonds.

Dear aunt Chela, may the angels lead you into paradise, and all your family members now departed welcome you along with all the Saints.  May perpetual light shine onto you and our loved ones, forever and ever. Así sea. ❤️

Tuesday, June 22, 2021

I’m sitting on the porch, sipping my coffee and eating the BEST and tastiest polish apricot filled and chocolate covered biscuits (major heart emoji eyes!!!), loving my time on the porch, and literally have almost nothing today, lol! Well, you know, blog “worthy” stuff, nothing comes to mind, nada… and then I thought, well, there is beauty in that too.  In the nothingness of life, and ordinary and in simplicity. 

Journaling has been something I’ve loved doing since I was very young, and something my mom encouraged, and I’m glad she did.  On days like today, when nothing of significance for me comes to mind, I still journal, anything, whatever comes to mind; it’s my moment to reconnect with myself and listen to my heart. 

Prayers and wishes for a lovely day ahead! ❤️

Monday, June 21, 2021

It’s almost 11 pm and here I am collecting my though of the day.  I don’t even know where the time went today, we’ll, I do, but it definitely went by fast. 

This morning I sat on the porch for a good hour, coffee in hand, but I was feeling so physically tired and exhausted from the emotions of the weekend, that I decided to listen to my body and simply sit, drink my coffee and do nothing else.  I loved it!  I usually journal on the porch, or call my mom, or do some work, but today, I decided to just visit with myself, sometimes we need to do that.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me.  I went to church/work very early, I think I left the house at 7:30 am, and after attending Sunday Mass, I stayed a few hours to work.  It was Father’s Day, my first Father’s Day without my dad, and I thought I’d have a lot of triggers, and would spend the majority of the day crying, but it was the opposite.  I thought of my dad almost all day, I was telling a friend that I almost felt his presence, it was a neat experience, it brought me peace.  Throughout the day, I played songs by his favorite songwriter, Alfredo Zitarroza, and had an extra cup of coffee in his honor.  With the lyrics of every song, I’d picture my dad’s reactions to them, just like when he used to sit at the end of the kitchen table listening to them and sipping his coffee.  I am very grateful that I feel so much joy when I think of him, and the lessons he taught me in the years we spent together.  We did a lot of growing up together my dad and I, our relationship was strengthened in the last few years before his passing, and I truly see that as a gift, a huge blessing. 

This morning, after my porch and coffee meditation session, I received a call from my grief counselor, the lady I’ve been talking to since my brother died.  She’s helped me a great deal, and I hadn’t talked to her since I left for Mexico in mid April to visit my family.  I answered and she said, “how are you? I wanted to see how you were doing?” How sweet is that?! Not me seeking her help, but her, reaching out to me to find out how I was doing.  She said, “it’s been a long time since we talked last, and I wanted to ask how you are doing, I’ve been thinking and praying for you.”  Well, that opened the water gates of my eyes, but I kept it “cool”, but not for long.  Her call meant so much to me.  I’ve known her just for a few short months and yet, she cares so deeply about how I’m doing.  She called a couple of times when I was in Mexico too, but I didn’t have time or the perfect moment I should say, to call back, and then, I just forgot when I got back. 

We talked for almost an hour, and she listened, and she listened and she let me express my real emotions and what my mind and heart is going through regarding the death of my brother especially, and all the other losses our family has suffered this year.  I am so blessed to know her, and to count on someone like her to be as vulnerable as I want to be about my grief without feeling guilty or embarrassed.  She lets me show up as I am, no questions asked, just an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and a heart to lean on. 

Today was a good day.  I had a little bit of rest, some work, and some exciting projects being planned, and I’m feeling very grateful for having more moments of joy, and less moments of sadness as I journey through this new experience of grief.  One day at a time, one moment at a time.  I’m getting there. ❤️

Sunday, June 20, 2021

Today was a long day, a good day, a sad day, a bittersweet day, but more than anything, another day to be thankful for Stan’s life in ours. He is truly an amazing dad to our girls, and a great life companion for me.  I am blessed, and thankful! Sharing here what I shared on my personal Facebook account, because his sweetness made me smile. 🥰

I walked in from work just a little while ago and I went straight to the kitchen to finish a tres leches cake we are taking for a family get together later today.  Stan walked in the kitchen a few minutes after, ALL smiles, carrying this pretty pot with this beautiful sunflower (my absolute favorite flower!) and he says to me all happy, “I got this for you!!!” 🌻

And this is what makes Stan special, it’s Father’s Day, a day focused on celebrating dads, celebrating HIM, and he’s thinking of others, thinking about me. ❤️

He made a trip to one of his favorite places today (Goebbert’s farm), and bought a few things for his garden and he’s been potting and planting since this morning.  Doing what makes him the happiest, gardening. 

From the moment the girls started attending full time elementary school, Stan made their school lunches, and ALWAYS, put a note in their lunch bag. It usually had a funny drawing or saying along with a sweet message.  He’d make them breakfast on the weekends and cut out their sandwiches in different shapes. To this day, if he knows they are napping, or still sleeping when he’s leaving home to go to work, he opens the garage door manually so Bella doesn’t wake up from the noise that the garage door makes, which is minimum, and she’s also almost 19, lol! 

I still have vivid pictures in my mind of Stan kneeling next to the girls beds every night before they’d go to sleep to ask them about their day, and say their night time prayers.  Sweetest moments! 

Now that Michelle has moved out of the house and lives out of state, he makes a point to call her once a week, their phone call conversation lasted almost two hours this past Friday.  I don’t remember the last time I talked to someone on the phone for that long, ha!  He said to me all happy when I got home from work, our own version of, “Fridays with Father!”, Michelle and I had a great conversation!  

Stan does indeed have the best conversations with the girls, he knows how to listen and he gives the best advice.  Stan was certainly born with a heart that is always ready to give, never expecting anything in return. 

Happy Father’s Day to the best dad I could have ever prayed for my girls! This girl dad sure knows how to make an imprint in their hearts, mine included. ❤️

Saturday, June 19, 2021

I’m sitting in my favorite morning corner of the house, the front porch. I love this peaceful and quiet place so much!!! I find myself here very often, not physically (well that too 😉), but spiritually, mentally, a well balanced me. 

I struggled yesterday.  Both, with physical pain and the pain of the soul.  It was a long work day for me, and I had a terrible migraine most of the day, courtesy of the storms we had the night before, barometric pressure is a joy killer for me! I think the physical pain and struggles of the day, made me aware of my other struggles, the ones I’ve been trying to shove away, to dismiss, to ignore, to pretend they even came to stay… the struggles of the soul.

Someone I respect a lot and who’s known me for many years, approached me recently and asked “how are you?!” I said, “I’m ok.” She asked again, “no, really, how are you? The spark in your eyes that has always characterized you, has been missing.” Well, that made me tear up of course, but it also made me realize the weight of the pain we carry daily, the one that is forever engraved in our hearts and souls. No matter how much we try to pretend something isn’t there, it shows. They say that eyes are the windows to the soul.  I guess we just proved that. Well, my friend did. 

Yesterday, I attended a funeral for a lady I’ve known for many years that died suddenly.  She was a very generous person, always a giver.  She gave of her time, her treasures, her gifts and skills she had, and mainly, her love to all that knew her and whose lives she touched.  The funeral Mass was beautiful and it was a witness of her faith, the faith that carried her through all the years on her earthly journey. 

Our Pastor gave a beautiful homily, and in his homily he said something that struck me, and that I’ve never heard before.  He shared that when Pope Benedict’s brother died last year, he said that a part of him died as well.  I found the letter Pope Emeritus Benedict wrote and it’s simply beautiful and touching.

There is so much truth to that. Grief is so much more complex that we think.  When we loose someone we’ve been so deeply connected with in so many levels (for me, the loss of my brother who died at 46 and unexpected recently), a part of us also departs with them.  We continue to acknowledge the reality of the death, not to make sense, because it doesn’t, but to acknowledge that they are no longer with us.  We embrace the pain that accompanies us day in and day out.  Yes, I am learning that this type of pain (grief), has its own evolution, it’s own metamorphosis, and that we learn to cope better with it as time goes by, but it’s always there.  We remember our deceased loved ones, and for me, I’m learning to speak about them again, in a different light, and without loosing myself to grief.  It’s a very hard and complicated process.  I have found myself in a rediscovery journey, almost as if I’m finding a new identity, I think I am, and I am ok with that, I’m learning from that too. 

In all those struggles and new discoveries, I’m learning and encouraging myself to find meaning, in the memories, in the loss, in both, and to lean on the love of those who continue to love me and support me, no matter what! Their love continues to carry me.

I’ve attended a few funerals (unfortunately) after the losses of my father and my brother in January and February of this year, and every time, when I see the mourning families gather and celebrate the lives of their loved ones, I think to myself, “the people will now go on with their lives after the wake services, and funeral masses and burials, etc, but the real grieving will just start for those experiencing loss.” 

Experiencing grief has definitely made me more aware of other people’s loss and suffering, and yes, I consider that a blessing.  Maybe, that’s part of the meaning after loss for me. Dear dad and JR, you are always in my heart. 💙

Friday, June 18, 2021

Today has been a very long day and a day I dealt with a migraine for the majority of the time, which is a no bueno situation if you ask me.

Sitting in my living room right now, alone, way too many hours after I had this cup of coffee in the morning and trying to process all that happened today.

Some days, end with a smile, others, with many thoughts roaming your head, today, is the second option for me.  Still smiling, but thinking lots, lots.  

Almost 10 pm, I had many plans of fun things I wanted to do tomorrow, but I think, I’ll let my body be the judge of it and go with that.  We will see what tomorrow brings, and we can make plans then. 

Good night! ❤️

Thursday, June 17, 2021

Sitting on the deck, trying to get as much vitamin D as I can, although is getting kind of cloudy now, but the sun keeps peeking in and out, I’ll take it! ☺️

Yesterday was a very busy day, and at the end of the day, I didn’t have time or energy to make dinner and Stan and I ended up going out to eat.  We didn’t have much time even for a longer sit down dinner and we ended stopping  at a nearby fast food restaurant on the way back to drop me off at work and by the time we finished eating out food, both Stan and I looked at each other and said “this was not a good food choice!” 

I woke up feeling not too groovy this morning, and I’m attributing it to my food choices yesterday.  Food has a HUGE impact in my body, huge! It affects almost every aspect of my whole being.  I am convinced that food can make us sick, as well as, it can heal us.

It’s a good thing I love to cook, because this morning I woke up thinking about the importance of meal prep and nourishing my body with nutritious food.  Maybe im getting to “that age” 😬 when my body doesn’t process junk food as well as it used to, and more importantly, it rejects it.

This morning I made myself a breakfast bowl with plain Greek yogurt, a banana, fresh strawberries, plain walnuts and a drizzle of raw honey.  I hardly ever eat dairy these days, but today, the good looking fresh greek yogurt in the fridge, was calling my name, and it was delicious.

Sitting out in the sun for a few minutes before getting moving for the day, and writing out a meal prep plan for the next few weeks.  Cooking and eating healthy is one of my absolute favorite pass times. ❤️

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

It’s only 7 am and I’m already sitting on the deck, getting some vitamin D and relaxing a little before I start getting ready for work.  It’s such a beautiful day out today, 70’s all day long! Nice!!! ☀️

Yesterday seemed to be the day for doctors appointments for our family. I had one, Stan had one and my mom had one.  I talked to my mom a couple of times yesterday, before and after her appointment and she always amazes me with her positive and joyful attitude about life in general.  She is always enthusiastic and excited to share all the “amazing” things happening in her life, and by amazing I mean, the ceviche my brother made for dinner, the movie she watched, the friendly and caring personality of the doctor she saw, and the many acts of kindness by a family friend.  They may all seem like pretty ordinary things, but my mom has always had the gift to turn the ordinary into extraordinary, and I guess, when I think about it, they are extraordinary.  My mom has a long list of specialists she has to see, and medicines she has to take, and I deeply admire her outlook on life.  Seeing our parents age, it’s not an easy thing, but it’s a HUGE blessing that I definitely don’t take for granted. 

But now, let me share about a dream I had last night.  I had a dream that I was planning a trip on Amtrak, just a long weekend type of trip and I was looking for someone to go on this trip with me.  Since it was my idea to take this weekend trip, I was going to offer to pay for all expenses, how sweet of me, when I can’t even afford to go on one myself right now, ha! 😁 I guess, that’s the nice thing about dreams, you plan, you enjoy the planning and sometimes, even the trip itself, but almost zero to no effort is required.  With that being said, yes, I’m ready for my next Amtrak adventure, I’ve been craving one since I got off the train last month! ❤️🚇☀️

A lot of people ask me about Amtrak since I’ve taken it so many times, so I decided to host an deck Amtrak Q & A little get together to answer questions people might have, and who knows, maybe encourage them to take a trip on Amtrak sometime. No, not being sponsored by Amtrak, I’m just a huge train aficionado type of gal! 🥰

If you are reading this, and you’d like to attend, because you’ve always been curious about this exciting mode of transportation 😁, let me know, and I’ll be sure to send you my “all aboard!” invite! 😉

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

I’m being adventurous this morning and I’ve switched “locations” for my morning coffee! 🥰

It’s 70 degrees and sunny at 8 am and I’ve decided to sit on the deck instead and let the sun give me all the extra Vitamin D I’ve been lacking lately.  It’s cool and breeze and I almost feel that I’m at the beach in Mexico, except I’m not getting that iodine smell of the sea that I’ve always loved, ah, I can’t wait to go back! 🌊☀️

I had a lovely day yesterday filled with great conversation, loving, caring people that at the end of the day made me feel like I could carry the weight of the world feeling a little lighter.

Lunch with a sweet friend at a local restaurant that has great coffee by the way, and then a surprise visit in my office by a dear, dear friend I hadn’t had a chance to talk with since my return from Mexico, and stopped by to see how I was doing.  Don’t you love people and conversations that leave you feeling like all of a sudden you can do and enjoy life all over again?! And not only that, thrive!

In the past few days, I’ve experienced a couple of pretty awesome moments of awesomeness in this new journey I’ve embarked.  Faith experiences that have tapped my shoulder in a sensible way when I’ve most needed it, and conversations with some pretty awesome people that (I’m sure) have crossed my way not at all by coincidence, to remind me that I’m not alone, that even in the darkest days, I’m thought of and loved and never alone.  I think I’ll write something for my faith corner in my blog, to put all these thoughts together.  I believe that we grow in every way, by the experiences and witnesses of others, at least, that has been my own personal experience.  

I’ve relied in a certain way, in the strength, faith and perseverance of others that have walked (and still are) dark valleys in their own personal lives and continue to teach me with their witness.

Today is an ordinary/extraordinary day.  A work day with a few doctors appointments for our family. 

I think I’ll enjoy a few minutes of fresh air and sun on the deck, sipping the last few drops of coffee in my cup, and then finish getting ready for work.

A good day to all! 🥰

Monday, June 14, 2021

Sitting in my happy, happy place with a cut of coffee in my hand, and loving every second of it. ☕️

When you are grieving, no matter how much effort you put in, there are going to be good days and not so good days.  There will be triggers and unavoidable situations that will shake you to the core and remind you of your loss.  That was my day yesterday. 

I have been doing ok lately (better) in the grief department, but yesterday was hard, it was a hard day.  I woke up and went to church, which is also my work place, and although I wasn’t quite feeling myself from the moment I woke up, I got ready to go on with the day.  Two ladies I hadn’t seen since my return from Mexico to attend my dad’s and my brother’s memorial Mass, were there and they graciously came up to me to ask how I was doing.  The care and sweetness of one lady in particular touched my heart, my soul and I fell apart.  It was as if all of a sudden I was experiencing the losses all over again.  This lady had the privilege to meet my brother and work on a project with him when he lived in Chicago for a period of time many years ago.  She said “what a special human he was!” Yes, indeed.  People that knew him well, have cried him a river of tears (like me), others that had met him, have felt so saddened and shocked, and it’s been hard for everyone that had known him in one way or another.  If you had met my brother, it was impossible not to love him, impossible! He had the most incredible smile, and the kindest heart. 

Yesterday, was another reminder of my loss, and yes, although I am trying VERY hard to focus on the time we had together, versus the loss, it’s VERY hard, and the loss is still very recent.

I was telling a friend yesterday that although I miss my father, I don’t feel pain for his loss, I’m thankful for the time we had together during our earthly Journey.  It’s natural for our parents to proceed us in death, not for younger siblings, especially sudden deaths, that’s a completely different story and a painful one that I’m sure will take a long time to heal.  I pray that with time, the wound will continue to heal, and heal, and that I will eventually arrive at a place when I touch the scar of that would and instead of pain, there are just reminders (sweet reminders) of his life in mine forever.  The scars of the soul are so much harder to heal, because they are so intimate.

When I came home from work (church) yesterday, I could barely do anything, I was completely wiped in every way.  I think I ate something and then went to lay down.  I slept for two+ solid hours and woke up because I made myself wake up and get up to move.  My oldest daughter who lives out of state happened to text me as I was waking up and ask how I was doing.  I told her that I had been very tired all day, and could hardly function. I also said that I couldn’t wait for my prescription Vitamin D to kick in.  Then she asked, “how was work this morning?!” I told her what happened and my triggers and how it all made me feel and she quickly responded, “mom, the way you feel is not your deficiency of Vitamin D (although it isn’t helping), the way you are feeling is, grief.”  She was right, and her acknowledgment of that validated my feelings and the need to sit back and rest and let my body and soul heal.    I was grateful for that glimpse of love and hope. 

And speaking of gratefulness, I’m married to one of the greatest, truly, I couldn’t have asked for a better life partner for me.  Yesterday, as I lay there and couldn’t function, he kept coming to check on me, and when Bella left for work, he almost picked me up from the couch and said, “come on, let’s go for a walk, it’s beautiful out, we can even get ice cream.” I didn’t really feel up for it, but I made myself do it anyways.  We had a lovely time, we walked, and walked and talked nonstop and he followed my pace, and then we stopped at a local ice cream shop and got an ice cream cone that we ate on our walk back home and he made me laugh about all kinds of silly things, and we came back to the house and sat on the deck to sip homemade lemonade and chips and salsa and talk some more until the sun went down.  Before we realized it, it was 9:30 pm and Bella was on her way home from her first day at her new job.

We visited with her in the kitchen, asking her about work, and what she loved about it and then she and I watched a movie together.

A tough day, turned lovely thanks to the loving care of my beautiful family which I appreciate more and more each day. 

Yesterday I read an anonymous quote that said “behind strong woman, there is a story that gave her no other choice”, and I couldn’t love it more. ❤️

Sunday, June 13, 2021

Sitting on my porch, happy as happy can be, enjoying this precious moment with me, myself and I.  I’m a little overprotective of my alone time on the porch.  I sneak out like a thief almost every time on the weekends, hoping for just a few minutes by myself without someone following me.  Once I’ve spent a few minutes alone and I’ve taken a couple of sips of my coffee, everyone is welcome! See, I’m not that selfish! 😉🥰

I cannot stress enough how depleted of energy this deficiency in Vitamin D has me. It’s hard getting out of bed and following my normal routine, by dinner times I’ve given the day my all and I struggle to put one foot in front of the other.  I am SOOO thankful for my prescription of Vitamin D, which I’ve heard amazing things about it, looking forward to feeling the effects of it in my body. I also heard (and read - doing lots of research on Vitamins these days), that it can take up to a month or two to feel the effects of it.  It’s ok, I’m willing to be patient as long as I get my energy back.

I remember when the girls were little, I was a tornado in the house. I’d get up in the mornings and clean and organize and do everything I could to make our house a lovely home to live in. I felt proud of it, very proud of it. Now, I just want enough energy to make my bed, lol! Changes, seasons, transitions, we all have them.  At different stages of our lives, weaving in and out, reminding us that life is not perfect in any way, shape or form, but so worth living it and making an effort to experience it the best way we can. 

I’ve been watching a lot of movies in my down time these days when my energy hits level 1% at night. Let’s see, the most recent movies I’ve watched which I’ve loved and liked all are:

“The Meddler” with Susan Sarandon.  I loved this movie, a feel good movie for sure! A little bit of drama (not too much), some comedy (just enough), which ends up wrapping up in a charming way. 🥰

“I Am Sam” with Sean Penn and Michelle Pfeiffer.  Loved it and cried a lot towards the end. My daughter warned me, I said “nah, haven’t cried yet, I’ll be fine…” well, she was right, I was wrong. 😉

“The Woman in the Window” with Amy Adams, sooo good and so unpredictable, I had to break it into two days because it had me at the edge of my seat the entire time! 😳

“Everybody’s Fine” with Robert De Niro (he’s so good!) is the story of a man who just after a few months of loosing his wife, goes on a road trip (Amtrak 😍), to surprise his four kids.  This story might’ve been predictable, but by the last quarter of the movie I was sobbing.  The deaths portrayed in the movie, hit me hard, in many ways.  I was definitely not expecting those turn of events and since I was already committed to the story, I finished it Kleenex box in hand.  Stan watched with me, and he was moved by it too. ❤️

I think I watched all of them on Netflix, except for “The Meddler”, which I found on Hulu.

Anyways, we will see what Netflix, I mean, the day 😉, brings today!!! For now, I must finish getting ready for church/work, and get my green smoothing going.

A good day to all! ☀️

Saturday, June 12, 2021

In Spanish there is a saying equivalent to “waking up on the wrong side of the bed”, that goes something like this, “I woke up with my left foot on the floor.”  Sounds strange, but so does the bed situation! 😂

Anywho, today felt like that for me, wrong side of the bed, left foot, you get the drift… I went to bed last night thinking, “ahhh, tomorrow I don’t have to woke up at the crack of dawn to go to work, I can sleep in, take my time on the porch drinking coffee, maybe make a nice breakfast for Stan, Bella and I to enjoy together and see where the day takes us.”  As I write it all down, it’s actually relaxing me, and I’m glad it is because none of that happened! Real life happened. Instead of that idyllic plan, I woke up to rushed and frazzled to a last minute text from the young lady that was supposed to work the front office today and she no one to cover her shift, so I hurried up, threw something on, brushed my hair, my teeth, and off I went.  I ended up staying way longer than I had to, but that’s ok, at least I got all my weekend work done and I don’t have to rush in tomorrow, well, at least not that much.

My 23 year old (and oldest) daughter and I texted quite a bit last night, and this morning we talked for quite a bit. We talked again this evening.  It’s so, so nice to be have grown up conversations with her and I LOVE her soul and her way of embracing life and all the challenges that life presents.  Michelle was born a dreamer, with a realistic twist to it, if it makes any sense.  She’s a lover of all people and all things, I admire her ability to forgive and forget, her thirst for knowledge and adventure and her zest for life.  Right now, I have ZERO idea what kind of magic there is in the making for her life, but I’m learning to trust the universe and most importantly, trust HER. 

People often say to me, “I admire you for giving your kids wings to do what they want to do and to pursue their dreams.”  Well, isn’t that what we are supposed to do as parents, or at least try our best to do?!  I think I hesitated once when Michelle chose a completely different path for her life, very different to other people’s choices, and for a second I thought (and tried) to convince her to choose a “safer” route, one where there is security and reliability.  Not long after my attempt, I realize that my plan would’ve completely destroyed the inner beauty of my girl, and the person she was born to be.  Supporting her dream and all those “out of reach” (for me) goals of hers, is turning out to be one of my proudest moments as a mom.

I’m so proud of her, more than anything, proud of her essence!!! ❤️

And speaking of children, Bella got a Summer job today at a local frozen yogurt place and it made grandma (my mom) jump for joy, she was so thrilled to hear the news, haha! So adorable! 

I did get my coffee time on the porch this afternoon watching the rain and relaxing a bit, and now I’m sitting on the deck, sipping homemade lemonade made by Stasiu and looking at a gorgeous sky.  

Today, I started taking my prescription Vitamin D, 50,000 units to be exact, and I’m thinking I should start glowing pretty soon’ 🤩 My energy level has been at it’s lowest like never before, and I’m hoping this prescription will do the trick! Pretty please, I need an energy boost! ☀️

Today, I’m thankful for my phone calls with Michelle, Bella’s exciting news about her job, Stan’s never ending positivity and energy, my mom’s voice and the delicious dinner I cooked. 

Moving forward, one sip of coffee and one journal page at a time… ☕️

Friday, June 11, 2021

Guess where I’m at? You guessed it! My porch of peace! 🥰 Every morning when I wake up, my porch and my cup of coffee is the first thing that comes to mind.  I have almost perfected a morning routing.  I wake up, say my prayers, get in the shower, put all the lotions and potions on my face that my daughter helped me pick for my skin, then I make my way downstairs to brew a cup of coffee and sit on the porch for a little, or a lot, depending if it’s a work day or not.  While I sip my coffee, I let my hair air dry and that way I don’t have to blow dry it with heat and I’m ready for work! Well, almost, but you get the point! 😁 I love, love, love, my morning routine, and I crave it every day. I look forward to going to sleep so I can wake up to this! 🥰☕️☀️

I had a good day yesterday.  It was one of those days I desperately needed, especially these days.  I had a busy day yesterday, but I also had a good handful of joyful moments that ended up leading me to making some powerful promises to myself.  It was completely unexpected, but I think divine in every way.  Meant to be if you may. ❤️

I had spent days, and weeks and months consumed by grief and physical pain, and lately a deficiency of vital vitamins in my system that had left me depleted of all energy.  Yesterday, just like magic as I was getting ready to leave for a mammogram appointment (I received negative results, PTL! ❤️), I had this come to Jesus, epiphany kind of moment.  

WHAT IF, instead of letting grief and physical pain steal my joy and rob me of my essence, I used them as tools for strength, motivation and perseverance to keep going and help me grow into the human being I was born to be? What if I found strength in grief and pain every day as a wake up call to keep moving, to keep dreaming, to remain joyful?  Yes, yes, YES!

I’m still trying to figure out my body, I’m still trying to cope with my grief and all the new things that came knocking on my door this year, but I will not let them define me and absorb all the goodness in me. 

Grief and chronic pain are like sponges, they absorb anything they touch that is opposite to them.  Instead of letting them control me, I have made a commitment to myself to get up and move (almost literally) every time I feel the “sponge” getting near me, to avoid the absorption of joy, energy, motivation and all the goodness that I know dwells in my body and soul.

Yesterday, as I drove through one of my favorite roads (Algonquin Road, between Higgins and Route 25) which is landscaped by hundreds and hundred of beautiful trees and vegetation, I played Shania Twain in the car and sang out loud to “Up”.  I love that road, I love that song, and I especially loved the way I felt that moment, making plans, making promises to myself and keeping my eye on the target, JOY! ☀️

Thursday, June 10, 2021

Sitting in my porch of peace, relaxing and loving every minute of it.  The coffee tastes extra delicious this morning for some reason. ☕️

Yesterday I had a dentist appointment for cleaning (I LOVE dental cleaning appointments, I always leave feeling so fresh and clean), anyways, as I was laying on the dental chair the hygienist mentioned that she noticed that it was almost a year since my last visit, which is unusual for me because I’m methodical about scheduling and keeping my dental appointments for cleaning every six months.  She was surprised by it, I told her that I’ve had a lot going on and had to cancel the appointment in January.  All giddy she replied “oh, I hope something fun!” I said, “not really, my dad and brother died early this year and we’ve been very busy with all of that.” Of course she said, I’m so sorry (she’s a very nice lady, although I’ve only had her as a hygienist for two visits), then she proceeded to ask how old my brother was and if he was married.  I answered, then she said “well, that’s good, at least he wasn’t married and didn’t leave a family behind.” Although I understand what she really meant to say, it still hurt a lot, and I definitely didn’t feel like talking about these feelings and experiences while being prepped for dental cleaning.  In the best and kindest possible way I replied, “we are his family, we miss him a lot!” She said, “of course!” And we moved on. I decided to close my eyes, put one foot over my leg, join my hands together and try to relax while she worked on my teeth.

I left the dental office feeling a little unsettled, I wasn’t expecting that turn of events, and it made me think and reflect about the other instances when people have made similar comments, “well, at least he wasn’t married.” 

I’d like to think that a legal status has absolutely nothing to do with love.  NOTHING.  My brother wasn’t married, no, he wasn’t.  He didn’t have children either.  But my brother was VERY much loved and appreciated by a lot of people.  Brothers and Priests from the Monastery where he spent a significant number of years of his life, publishers, editors and artists he met along the way, friends he made in school and his adult life, and us, HIS family that loved him so, so much!!! 

Sometimes, we speak without intention, sometimes we say things just because it crosses our minds and that thought could be a conversation starter, but we never know how our words can affect those we are sharing them with. Grief has definitely made me more aware of circumstances and way more free in the way I interact with others or how I choose share my life. 

One of my favorite quotes of all time is by the remarkable, Maya Angelou, and it goes like this, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 

So much wisdom in those words. ❤️

Learning to navigate these waters of grief, one tree minute at a time.  I think I’m making progress, time and love are my best friends right now.  I don’t think that famous phrase “this too shall pass...” fits here, but perhaps, “there is a light at the end of the tunnel...” does.

I’m starting to see that light, even if it’s faint glimpses of it at times, and it feels good. ❤️

Wednesday, June 9, 2021

Sitting in the “Porch of Peace” at home that I love so much, sipping coffee, relaxing for a few minutes and soaking in the depth of my thoughts. ❤️

Yesterday was another one of “those” days.  The days when you really struggle to put one foot in front of the other to make it through the day without falling apart or concerned about your energy, and everything else in life.  I went to work and felt great there, I guess I do love my job, which is an awesome thing; then I had a doctor’s appointment for my annual physical which I couldn’t do back in April due to my family’s situation and my travels, and then came home to basically sit on the couch and nap and watch movies the rest of the day, my body hasn’t been allowing me for more lately, and I’m determined to listen to my body and let it rest a little. Finally around 9 pm and after dozing on and off, I decided to put my shoes on and go for an evening walk.  I cried myself silly the entire walk.  I thought of my brother every step I took, I miss our conversations, and his inquisitive mind and the depth of his thinking process and also his wit, I miss his voice, I miss it all, I miss HIM, and I’m hurt and I’m angry and I’m very upset that he’s never coming back. 

Grief is grief and as much as it sucks, I have to face it and do the best to deal with it.  The walk helped, the walk helped a lot and I needed to go on that walk by myself, with no witnesses, feeling the coolness of the evening and being alone with my thoughts.  Maybe my brother even kept me company, who knows. 

This morning I woke up to a message on my healthcare app that said “you have test results”.  I have to say that I was almost giddy about it, HOPING the answer to the way I’ve been feeling was there, well, at least half of it.  It was... my blood work came back showing Vitamin D deficiency and insufficiency in Potassium. Both vitamins critical for our bodies.  Vitamin D (which mine is way below of what’s considered the “normal” low), can affect our moods, can cause fatigue, muscle cramps, bone loss and bone and joint pain which I have them all. I was associating half of them to grief, which of course it’s part of it too, but I feel very, very thankful this morning to at least know that the heaviness of the way I’ve feel feeling lately, is not ALL associated with grief and that I can get simple help to alleviate some of my symptoms and bring my smiles back. It is a HUGE relief!!!

My doctor was so amazing yesterday, he’s always been like that, but since finding out at the beginning of the year of my family’s losses, he has been extremely gracious and supportive. He’s never rushed me in an appointment and he asks all the questions and let’s me ask all the questions.  I always walk out of the clinic feeling good, but yesterday especially I walked out feeling hopeful. 

Perhaps this is part of the light at the end of the tunnel... I’m counting on it! Oh, Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me... 🎶☀️

Tuesday, June 8, 2021

I was talking to a dear friend of mine last night and he asked how I was doing, I was very honest with him and told him I didn’t know myself half the time.  Good days, bad days, worse days, joyful days, and mainly worry filled days these days about people I love dearly.  Life all of a sudden took on a very sudden turn into unknown territory and I’m figuring out a way out of it.  Soon, (I hope) we will see the “exit this way”, sign, and light and some sort of normalcy and more ordinary days will start to fill our lives, the kind that put smiles on our faces.

I mentioned to my friend that sometimes (well, these days) I just wanted some normalcy and joys, the kind that most (some) families experience, the carefree type of life.  He shrugged his shoulders, let out a big, HA! and then said, “let me tell you a story...” He proceeded to tell me that a few years ago he was meeting with an old friend of his, a friend from his childhood years and this friend said to him “you had an awesome childhood! Your family always had it together, everything always looked so perfect!” And my friend quickly said to his friend, “What?! I thought that was YOUR family, your family always looked perfect and looked like they had life figured out, always happy!” His friend replied, “No way!!! Let me tell you a story...” My friend said to his friend, “let me tell YOU a story...” 

Bottom line is, we ALL have a story, we ALL have joys and struggles, and difficulties and hurdles to jump. Some are just better are dealing with them, or they don’t talk about it as much or share with anyone, which is fine too, we all deal with life and our personal struggles and joys differently, that’s what makes like rich, the diversity of our personalities.

Yes, of course I’ve always known that no one has a perfect life, even if it looks “perfect”, but coming from him, someone I deeply respect, and someone I’ve trusted for so many years, meant a lot and I really appreciated his openness and honesty about all of it.

Our conversation reassured me and validated my feelings and place in the world right this moment.  I love people like my friend, I have a special place in my heart for those kind of people, they are my people.  Those who openly and freely share their hearts to bring normalcy to ours.

Allowing myself to be vulnerable has always helped me to cope with emotions, feelings and my life in general, and I would’ve want to be any other way.  I’ve got nothing to hide, I’m an open book. 

I’ve always told those close to me that if anyone comes up and asks ANYTHING about my life, I’d give them an answer, I’d share the truth and enjoy doing it.  I think that’s what makes life so special, and awesome, sharing our joys and struggles with other humans that are trying to figure life out just like we are. ❤️

Monday, June 7, 2021

So incredibly happy to welcome today.  Monday, a new week, new opportunities, new beginnings, new challenges, better me, I’ll take it.

As I was brewing my cup of coffee this morning, I realized how big of a coffee drinker family I come from.  Coffee has been a huge part of our lives, a huge part of the stories that made us who we are today and I think we owe that to my dad.  My dad introduced us to the art of grinding coffee and brewing from an early age, his family was the same way, I remember going to my “mamanina’” house (dad’s mom), and watching her at the stove brewing coffee and my dad sitting at her kitchen table with her with a cup of coffee in hand.  My dad always took his coffee brewing experience to heart also.  Every morning he’d stand by the stove at home, boil water in a tea kettle, and then carefully brew a pot of coffee using a coffee bag (a special cloth bag, talega) and watch it steep, ahhhh, I can still picture and feel that whole scenario, simply the best!

This morning as I was brewing a cup of coffee in my Keurig I had an epiphany, yes, you can call it that! 😁 I decided to get myself a traditional coffee maker, you know, the kind where you measure your coffee grounds and you measure the water and you make as many cups as you desire. Yes, I’m doing that and I’m going to tell you why! 

After my dad’s passing early this year, the coffee pot with the steeping coffee cloth bag sat there freshly washed and clean and very lonely, as if it had been waiting for my dad’s coming home.  It has remained in the same spot of the stove the entire time after his passing.  That coffee pot belongs there, we want it there, it reminds us of dad.  My dad was basically the only one in the house that could brew coffee in that special coffee pot to perfection, and if you ask anyone in my family, immediate family, aunts, cousins, and friends, they’ll tell you, nobody made better coffee than Wilfredo, aka, “Fero”.  His coffee was simply the best, no doubt!!!

When I arrived in Mexico mid April, my dad’s coffee spot at the stove seemed so empty and sad, the container where the coffee grounds used to be kept for him to brew coffee, was also empty, and I think my mom and brother were drinking instant coffee in dad’s absence, Omg, even typing instant coffee hurts, ay!!! 😂

One of the FIRST things I did when I arrived at my parents’ house in Mexico was buy a coffee maker! A traditional coffee maker and as my dad would say I’m sure “no sirven esas, son muy modernas!” Haha I could just hear him, which translates to something like, “those are no good, they are too modern!” I wish I could’ve gotten a reaction out of him with a Keurig and the individual coffee pods; we would’ve spent a whole afternoon talking about the roots and beginning of coffee.  Demasiado moderna!!!

Anyways, I’m loosing track ha!  Purchasing that “modern” coffee maker, you know like a “Mr. Coffee” type, completely changed our dynamics at my mom’s house.  My mom, my brother Will and I, and of course anyone that would stop for a visit completely enjoyed it, and they continue to do so.  Nothing made us happier at that moment than brewing a fresh pot of coffee and pouring one, two, three or more cups at a time!  I can still place myself in my mom’s kitchen right now which has SO many memories, and smelling and savoring the taste of coffee.

My parents kitchen (back in the day, as they say), was the revolving door of the family.  The place where aunts and uncles, cousins, neighbors and friends gathered to sip coffee and eat pan de dulce and talk and discuss relevant and irrelevant subjects.  If my dad enjoyed a conversation, he’d stay, if not, he’d quickly make a hard to notice exit. 

Perhaps purchasing a traditional and basic coffee maker (not the Keurig type), is so much more than just having a traditional coffee maker at home.  Having a traditional coffee maker will make me connect with my mom and brother in Mexico through the distance, it will connect me with my loved ones here at home as we pour a cup of coffee from the same exact coffee pot, no individual cups, and we will savor the love that comes from doing that.

As you see, coffee has meant so much to me since I was little.  Coffee is more than the flavor.  Coffee for us means, routine, traditions, family, simplicity, joy, memories...

Cheers to the drink that has hold us together for so many generations and continues to do so! ☕️❤️

Sunday, June 6, 2021

Sitting on the porch, you guessed it! Trying to feel the peace of the outdoors.  The last couple of days have been an ocean of emotions.  I’ve tried to fool my soul and redirect all my feelings, but I haven’t been too successful. I guess distraction isn’t the right thing to do for me, I need to face all my feelings and emotions. It’s not easy. 

This morning I received a private message on Facebook from an acquaintance of my brother’s that had been looking for him.  She said she started googling because she couldn’t get a hold of him, and found a page that said he had died.  She didn’t want to believe it, she said, “it has to be someone else”.  She sent me a message saying, “is this the same person, the author?!” I wrote back and said, unfortunately yes.  

She told me how greatly he thought of him, she said “he was a remarkable human being.” Then she said “My family and I attended his book presentation for his first children’s book which he dedicated to Michelle and Isabella, your daughters, he adored them, he loved them so much.” 

Yes, all of it it’s true, and so much more. And here I am angry at the world, in pain, CONFUSED about all the things I’ve believed in and all the prayers I prayed which none of them were answered, trying to make some sense of this new reality.  My faith still sustains me, I’m clinking on to it TIGHTLY, but my heart is hurt, my mind doesn’t understand and my soul has been scarred forever.  What a great mystery of life.

Soon after I read her messages and saw the picture of my brother she sent me signing a book at one of his book presentations a few years ago, I got in the shower to get ready to go to work, and face the world.  I was in the shower and right after I stepped out of the shower, I looked up to grab a towel and there it was, a perfectly steam made shape of a heart, looking back at me!  I looked around the glass surface of the door to see if perhaps this was a coincidence and the steam was creating heart shaped forms, and no, not at all. That heart was the only one, and it was for me.  It was to show me that in my pain and in this deep grief I still feel from time to time, there is still love, and hope. 

It’s a funny thing because it’s like my heart was getting ready for this hard conversation with my brother’s friend today.  Last night, I laid on the hammock for a good couple of hours after dinner, and an ocean of emotions took over me, and I thought about my brother, and my dad, and our family members that left their earthly journey this year, but especially about my brother.  It all came out of nowhere, after an almost perfectly nice and calm and happy day.  I guess I’m still deep in my grief recovery process, it’s all new to me, I have a long ways to go. 

I know that those hearts will follow me wherever I go.  The physical absence might be a cruel reality to live with, but their love will continue to carry me through. 💙

Saturday, June 5, 2021

Sitting on my favorite summer spot at home, the front porch. ☺️

Yesterday, my oldest daughter Michelle who moved out of state recently, sent me a picture from a trip to New York we took three years ago, just the two of us.  I LOVED everything about that picture (especially because I am somehow glowing haha - I was very happy that day!), but most importantly, because I loved my one on one time with Michelle.  We’ve never done that before and we were able to experience and explore one of our favorite places together. 

It’s interesting how so much can change in 3 years.  A LOT happened in those three years.  She finished school in New York, graduated virtually, we lived through a pandemic, she experienced many wonderful things and made life long friendships, we lost very dear people in our lives, she faced a very tough health challenge, we exchanged numerous texts (some pleasant, some I could’ve done without), we had many conversations about important things, we both took risks, we laughed, we cried, we struggled, we have experienced lots of joy too, but most importantly, we grew a lot as human beings, and our souls have learned lessons that will stay with us forever.  Growth... we’ve had plenty of that, some of it has been very, very hard, we are still growing, we are still learning, and I am certain that one day we will be sitting somewhere pretty and calm, with some good food, and hopefully a yummy drink in our hands and we will be rekindling all these experiences and we will say, “wow, remember when?! That was a crazy time! That was so hard, I can’t believe we went through all of that... we’ve made it!” 

I’m drinking from a coffee mug that says “FAITH, HOPE, LOVE”, and when I took it out of the cabinet this morning, I had NO idea where today’s journal page would go, but here I am, somehow guided by the magic of my coffee cups.  

FAITH.  It has held us by the hand and showed us the way.

HOPE.  Hope has kept us focused and determined.

LOVE.  Well, that says it all. Without love, we couldn’t have neither of those two things. Love heals it all, love sustains is, and paves the way to all the other magic in our lives.

This morning I woke up feeling a little extra thankful and grateful for the blessings in my life.  Everything has taken on a special meaning lately, that is a gift in itself.  Without the brokenness, we couldn’t savor and appreciate the moments in life that makes us smile genuinely, the same way.

Faith. Hope. Love. ❤️☕️☀️

Friday, June 4, 2021

I love my morning routines, I crave them actually.  I wake up every single day excited about having a fresh cup of coffee and sitting on my front porch to enjoy it and feel the peace of my little corner by the pretty shell table and bench, ahhh, magic. 

I have found myself lately making an extra effort to feel energized and joyful, it’s never been an issue for me in the past, but this year is different, it has shaken me to my core and I’m learning a lot from it.

I’ve leaned to be honest with myself and my feelings and honest about my feelings with those around me, especially my immediate family. Hiding them or pretending they aren’t there, won’t help my healing process.

Yesterday, Stan and I were having a conversation about some decisions we have to make, and life in general and all of a sudden I felt extremely overwhelmed and anxious, a crawling out of your skin kind of moment.  This would’ve never happened before, prior to all the things I’ve experienced this year, but it did and I decided right that moment that I needed to step away from the situation to recover and get my footing back. Stan seemed confused, none of it was his fault either; Bella was there also, keeping us company as we had this conversation, she was confused too. We were all sitting on the porch and it was actually a nice moment, but my mind and my heart and my soul literally just couldn’t process having to make another decision, couldn’t process or accept any other not so positive scenario (nothing too alarming), but I just couldn’t!!! It’s as if my body is wired differently now.

I stepped away, and it was the best thing I could’ve ever done for myself, in that situation.  I wasn’t running away from anything or anyone, I was protecting ME. And protecting them also. 

I went inside the house into the living room and turned the tv on, I wanted a distraction.  I wasn’t really paying attention to what was on tv, all of a sudden tears started rolling down my face, uninvited again (I’m telling you, rude! 😉), and right in that moment, Bella walked in, I wiped my tears carefully, I didn’t want her to be worried or upset, well, she’s almost 19 years old, and a wise and old soul kind of gal, she notified, she knew something was going on, something was bothering me.  It was in that moment that I had the choice to either make something up, or be completely honest, I chose #2 because this year has taught me that we need to acknowledge our feelings and be honest with those we love in order to thrive and have healthy relationships.  I told her why I had stepped away, and why I was there basically staring at the tv, it has been a hard year, a very hard year.  She hugged me and gave me a kiss and told me she loved me.  Sometimes, that’s all we need in order to heal.

Stan walked through the French doors of the living room later on, with a peace offering ha! Well, he had nothing to apologize about, but he didn’t understand what had happened.  He walked in with a freshly washed bowl of cherries, sat next to me, put his arm around me, we ate cherries, we watched part of a movie together, we talked briefly about some of the things I was struggling with, and all of a sudden, I could breath a little lighter again.  My soul still felt heavy and my feet were witnesses of that pain, but I could savor the blessings of my incredible family a little better, a lot better actually.

Honesty, love and support, is all we needed last night. We got it, a glimpse of angels wings. 

Speaking of angels, I’ve found myself talking to my brother often, I never thought I’d be able to do that, but it’s actually comforting, he might be gone from the physical world, but our spiritual connection will never be broken. 

My mom and my brother Will, attended my cousin’s memorial Mass last night, my cousin died during my visit in Mexico last month.  They are two hours behind in Mexico and by the time they got home from church, it was bedtime for me.  My brother sent me a text asking if I could call mom.  I said, “ask her if it can wait until tomorrow, going to sleep soon.” He said, “if you can call tonight for a few minutes, that’d be great!” Well, of course I did, because I don’t take chances either and I want no regrets, loss has taken a whole new meaning for me.

I called my mother and she was SO happy to hear my voice and to talk to me, nothing too extraordinary to share, she just needed that presence and the reassurance of our love and connection with each other.  We talked about many different things and she told me a few times how thankful she feels, and how blessed she is, how blessed we are.  I still struggle a little with that considering the scenario, but I’m learning and praying to be back on that space of infinite trust.  My mother is the best, she is so inspiring and always so grateful about the many blessings in her life, despite... the many other things.

Perhaps last night, my mother’s insistent request for our phone call (she didn’t have a clue about the day I’d had and I didn’t share it with her, I did’t want to worry her), but perhaps that phone call was meant to be, perhaps that phone call was “arranged” by angels above, by a more divine power, to inspire me and to teach me yet another valuable lesson about life, about faith, about resilience.  

Although this has been the toughest year, the toughest season of life, it has also brought many blessings, a new perspective on life and a whole new way of appreciating the little (and big) things in life.  There is no possible way that I would’ve come to understand life or feel it the way I do now, if it hadn’t been for many trials and tears shed this year.  It feel like life is now a precious gem found in a mine.  It’s all covered in black and dust and dirt, but you start polishing it, and hammering it, and treating it and then after a long and dedicated process, you have a beautiful shiny, valuable, and precious gem.

I’m thankful for the process, and I’m leaning to trust the journey, welcoming the tears, the love, the lessons, the joys and yes, the blessings that have come and continue to come from it all. ❤️

Thursday, June 3, 2021

I’m sitting on the front porch of my house, my very favorite morning spot in the summer.  It’s shaded, it has a pretty table made by my husband, the sun is shinning, my dog Daisy is sitting on the porch floor by me, and right now, everything seems ok with the world and I’m happy about that.

I’m drinking out of a cup that says “I’m trying to be awesome today, but I’m exhausted from being so freakin’ awesome yesterday!” I love it and you know what?! It fits me today! 

Yesterday, I worked REALLY hard at being “awesome” and not in a pretentious kind of way, but rather the awesomeness that comes from trying your hardest when you feel like your day is a constant uphill journey.

Yesterday was not an easy day for me in many ways, but I conquered and felt dang proud about it.  I reminded myself about all the things I’ve accomplished emotionally, spiritually and physically lately and the growth I’ve had.  Those reminders helped me stay focused end end the day with a very positive twist, something I planned to bring joy, zest and laughter to the end of a hard day. It worked!!! 🤩

At the end of a date night I ended up sleeping in a separate bed (no worries, all good here in Borla land! 😁), but how romantic of us, right?! Realness if you ask me!!!  The thing is, our mattress is the worst and I think we’ve had it for quite a few years now and it’s destroying my back!!! Every day I wake up with intense back pain and I can hardly roll out of bed in the mornings, I knew it couldn’t be all me, I mean, how many more things can I add to my list of issues here... anyways, I decided to try my oldest daughter’s bed who has left the nest to live her adult life, and who happens to have a newer orthopedic mattress and oh my goodness, I woke up feeling like a different person!!! Ok, ok, maybe not THAT different, the mattress doesn’t grant miracles either haha, but it helped a lot!  Now, we will be in the market looking for a new mattress and I will be testing them, oh yeah! I can hardly wait! 💤

Bella, our 18 years old, woke up this morning to find me laying on her sister’s bed and I wish I had recorded her expression of surprise or should I say, shocks lol! Her face read all of these questions and more and she did ask some of them “what happened?! Everything ok?! Why did you sleep there last night?!” 😁 

All good here, I’m taking some time off today after working long hours lately, and I have no plans other than to sit back, sip more coffee, maybe watch a movie, go for a walk and just BE! 

A good and kind and joy filled day to all of you, to all of us! ☀️

Wednesday, June 2, 2021

I’m learning a lot on this new journey of mine.  I’m learning about myself (most importantly), I’m learning about those around me, about friendship, about work -and I’m not talking about skills, but more of how much of ourselves and life we dedicate to it- I’m learning ways to not tolerate behaviors or actions I perhaps tolerated before, I’m learning that if I want to be happy, if I want to feel joy within myself I have to be true to myself first and foremost. 

I used to be a lot more tolerant of situations and circumstances, I’d make excuses for a person or an action and then I’d move on.  My 2021 journey has taught me the value of life in a way I never would’ve been able to learn before, no matter how much I read or what or who I listened to.  Life experiences, the ones when our faces are buried deep down in the mud and hustle and struggles of life, is when we learn our biggest lessons.  Nothing, absolutely nothing can teach us what experience can give us. Growth! 

I’ve always been a very observant person, my mother says that from a very young age I’d carefully observe people and situations, and I always paid careful attention to conversations and I would analyze scenarios.  I did, I remember that.  I still do. That trait has made me who I am now, but it has also caused me pain.  Being observant can be a gift and a burden.  I’m always learning.

This journey has also made me appreciate profoundly those around me, family and friends who have my back, who reach out out of nowhere and even when I may still look “ok”, they know deep inside, I’m still dealing with a lot, I’m still trying to sorts things out.  I’m thankful for a good bunch of incredible people that have literally kept me upright and moving forward. 

Yesterday, I was sitting in my office doing some work and I heard someone come through the front office and ask the receptionist if I was in.  I recognized the voice, and I immediately felt joy; isn’t that awesome when someone else’s voice can have that effect on us?! This person had made a special trip to say hello and ask about my trip, this friend wanted to see how I was doing.  We sat in one of the conference rooms and talked for a while.  Our conversation left me craving for more moments like that one, real moments, amazing friendship, soul connection and authenticity.  I was so, so, so grateful and so touched with that unexpected visit, I think I smiled the rest of the afternoon.  I am blessed with some pretty amazing people in my life. The seekers, the helpers, the ones that can see my soul through my eyes.  I hope they can feel my love and appreciation for them equally.

May we always try our best best to be kind with our words and actions and to be genuine with our love and affection for others. 

Have a joy filled and KIND day! ❤️

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

WELCOME JUNE!!! ☀️

I don’t know why I’ve been excited about welcoming June this year, but I have.  Nothing too special happens this month in our household or my mom’s and brother’s life, other than the fact that we are making progress in our lives, in the way we relate to our new world.

I have been excited to welcome sunshine, something that makes me happy and joyful and thrive! I really feel like a different human being when the sun is out, natural vitamin D is fuel to my body and I need it now more than never.  Sunshine makes me smile! 😍

Speaking of sunshine... I have the most sunshiny mother on earth, I really do!  She never fails to surprise me with her positive outlook and way of looking at life.  Life has knocked her down quite a few time in the 74 years of her earthly existence, and more so recently, but every single day she wakes up praising God for all the blessings in her life (that’s right, she does!), and blessing me, and my brother and ALL those she knows and have asked for her prayers.  She is truly amazing! Not a day goes by when she doesn’t answer the phone when I call with a “hi sweetheart, how are you? How’s your day going? I was thinking of you, I LOVE hearing your voice!” True story!!! ❤️

The mom that welcomed me home in April when I traveled to Mexico for my dad’s and brother’s memorial Mass and other things, was a very different person than the mom I’ve always known.  She looked different in every way.  Her physical body, her personality, her energy, her mood, her everything.  GRIEF.  Nothing else but, grief.  Grief is life changing and so, so powerful. 

In the almost four weeks I was there visiting, my brother end I got on a “rescue mom” mission.  A mission of love, I’d like to call it.  Mom needed not only medical help, but a little push from the people she loves and trusts.  She needed to be reminded that not all was lost, that there was still a lot to live for and enjoy in life.  

My mother’s faith was intact when I visited, her faith was actually stronger then ever, but her spirit was a little deflated and how can it not, she had just lost her husband of 50 years and her youngest son at 46, both within three weeks.  Life altering.

My brother’s and I mission of love to “rescue” mom, involved medical care (grief was taking over her body in a way, her heart and soul were manifesting in her physical body), and we also did everything we could to motivate her and make her feel all the love of those around her, the isolation of pandemic has been too much to bare at times, especially when someone is grieving and you need the love and care and HUGS of others.  Physical contact! We also changed her diet, and her morning routine, and we encouraged her to go outside (back patio by the pretty trees) and sit there for a few minutes every day to feel the warmth of the sun and listen to all the birds and the sounds of the outdoors, whatever those sounds are.  

IT WORKED, it is working, it’s still a work in progress, it will continue to be, but as the amazing Maya Angelou says, love liberates, love liberates.

My mama needed to feel all the love, she knows she’s always been loved, but she needed to be reminded of that love and the powerful effects of it.  

Yesterday, my phone beep and it was a notification from my brother (of course I always rush to read those, I have developed some type of PTS, for real), and to my happy surprise, it was a video my mother has asked my brother to record to send to me.  She was at the kitchen table where we sat every morning while I was there to drink coffee and have our meals, she had a cup of coffee in her hands, the back patio door was open and you could see the sunshine coming through the door inside the house, and she had a huge smile on her face.  She greeted me with the most joyful sounds of hellos and blessings and told me that she loved me very much!!! Of course that made me smile from ear to ear, and I must confess, I also cried a few (happy) tears.  Seeing my mom happy, is one of my favorite things these days.

Last night I talked to her before dinner and she was SO happy to share that she had decided to paint the outside of house! Like REAL happiness and joy!  She said she had already picked the color and she couldn’t wait for the job to be done so my brother could send me pictures.  

PAINT, put a smile on my mom’s face yesterday, but what put a smile on my face was the fact that she’s excited about doing the ordinary things of life, and is finding joy in it.  A miracle, a blessing, the answer to our prayers these days. 

My mom might be legally blind, her back problems might be so excruciating at times that she can’t stand for more than 5 minutes, and the level of grief might have pushed her down more than once, but she is a fighter, she always has, and I know that her spirit of joy, positive and faith, will carry her through for the rest of her life.  My hope and prayer is that she will live a life filled with JOY, friendship and many thriving moments that make her feel full and in harmony with the world around her. I love my mama. ❤️