Saturday, July 31, 2021

It took me a second after sitting down on the front porch bench, to realize that today is the last day of July.  So much happened this month, and as much as I love to journal, some days simply ended with a “it was a busy day, good night”, type of journal entry for me, with NO time for morning reflecting, but that’s ok.  One day, I will go back and reflect on those moments as well.  The moments that left me pondering about the hecticness, and absolutely insanity of what 2021 has been. 

The end of a month always bring me a sense of closure, and not so much in a pessimistic way, at the contrary!  It’s an opportunity to look back at all the blessings, the lessons learned, the people that shine their light along the way so my path could be a little clearer, and it also provides a vision into how I picture the future, the next month. 

July was a month of birthday celebrations!!!  My Bella girl turned 19 years old, and I also celebrated the life and milestones of some awesome friends that have become family along the way. July was a good reminder that every day we live is so precious and worth experiencing fully. ❤️

If I had to look back at my favorite memory of this month, aside from celebrating Bella’s birthday of course 🥰, it’d have to be an Ice Cream social I organized at the church where I work.  That day in general made me feel SO happy on so many levels!!! The planning, the setting up, the music, the weather, the ice cream toppings, the PEOPLE!!!  The day screamed JOY! It was such a joyous day, filled with good energy and so much friendship!  Those moments make me realize how fortunate I am to love what I do for work, I actually don’t even see it as work (on most days 😅), because I love it so much.

This month I grew a lot as a person also.  I don’t know what it was, or when it happened, but I somehow realized one day, and most importantly felt it in my core, that as we journey through life, the one and only human person we should care so much for, is ourselves.  

Yes, of course, I’ve known it all along, I’ve talked about it often, but I don’t think I’ve practiced self care as much as I should have.  This month in particular, I’ve proudly and with a lot of confidence said, “I can’t, I’m busy.” “I can’t, I’m tired.” “What you said, or what you did hurt me.”  In the past, I’ve been good about taking time for myself, but when something else, or someone else needed my attention, I immediately forgot that the number one priority in that moment, was me, and it’s felt very good! 

This morning I saw a clip art designed by an artist by the name of Karen Castilla reflecting on social preconceptions, social standards.  Sharing it here, because I think it’s a good image to reflect on.  Listening to ourselves, and not others, and validating our emotions, our interests, and our intentions in life FIRST and foremost, is so important!!! We must honor who we are, and the gifts we were given at birth without given it a second thought about what “others think”.  To me, that is the key to true happiness, it’s freeing, and it’s so dang exciting and powerful! ❤️

Of course, the end of anything comes with some concerns too, and a whole lot of improvement!!!  There are so many areas of my life that I need to work on, and I’m hoping to hit the ground “running” tomorrow, and tackle all those areas of my life that have left me a little drained lately, because I’ve been neglecting myself in some way. 

Today, in celebration of closing yet another chapter of this 2021 heavy season of life for me, for my family, we will do something fun, even if it’s something simple, because as Gordon B. Hinckley said it once, “life is to be enjoyed, not just endured!” Amen to that!!! ❤️

Friday, July 30, 2021

Well, my intention was to SIT on my front porch this morning to enjoy a cup of coffee, and journal, but that didn’t happen, instead, I ran around, drove around, worked on a few projects, and now at almost 9 pm, I’m just sitting down, but I’m very, very thankful for this moment.

As I sit here, tired, exhausted from the day, where at times I felt like I could hardly function any more, I’m reflecting on the blessings that surround me.  A lovely home, comfy furniture to sit on, a big screen TV I am planning on watching later tonight, delicious take out food from a favorite local restaurant, the most exquisite, yes, exquisite zucchini bread with bananas and chocolate chips, and the sound of my daughters in the family room talking, laughing, and listening to music.  Daisy is laying at the feet of the couch in the family room where the girls are, and that is another big blessing in our lives.  So, I may feel tired, exhausted at times, but I feel extremely grateful for these blessings, blessings I do not take for granted, ever!!! I am fully aware of the magnitude of each of them, and that awareness makes me smile. ❤️

This week has been draining in many ways, so today as I sit here trying to relax a little, and examine all the events that made this week “unique”, I do it with a sense of gratitude, even when focusing on gratitude hurts.  I know, that may sound a little strange, but gratitude has come with a taste of sadness at times.  It’s complicated, but a season of grief can do that.

This morning (very, very early) as we were getting ready for work, and I was on my way to the train station on Lollapalooza drop off duty, Stan called to share that he wasn’t feeling well (heart issues), and needed to go to the hospital.  He has a history of Afib, and we are almost too familiar with his condition.  Before we knew it, Stan was being hooked to machines, and monitors, and he (as he always does, and rightfully so), had a concerned looked in his eyes, I don’t like that.  I always feel terrible about that, I wonder what goes through his mind every time.  I always dread telling the girls Stan is at the hospital, and find a way to “sweeten” the news.  When Bella got home from downtown, and I shared the news with her, she said, “I remember when I was younger and dad would go to the hospital, I always thought he was going to die, and it scared me, and worried me a lot.”  Sharing these type of news is never pleasant, but it’s easier now that they are older, and they understand more.

Stan was admitted today, and we are praying that he goes back into sinus rhythm soon so he can come home, but he will stay there at least until tomorrow.

Tonight, after a long, exhausting day, and week, I miraculously feel quite relaxed, at peace, FILLED with gratitude, and a sense of hope for the remaining months of this year that has proven to be, everything BUT easy, and ordinary. 

A friend shared a quote by Robin Williams today that I loved, “you’ll have bad times, but it’ll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to.” ❤️

In this heavy season of hardship, I’m committed to pay attention to the GOOD stuff, like the zucchini bread made by hands that didn’t quite feel like functioning today, the noises of my girls’ cheerful conversations, health care, a job I love, humans I’m blessed to call family, friendship, a cozy home, and so much other “good stuff”, that serve as oasis of peace, joy, and hope. 

My feet are tired, but my soul is wide awake! ❤️

Thursday, July 29, 2021

How is it that it’s almost midnight again and I’m JUST sitting down (or laying down actually) to write in my journal, I don’t know!!!  Well actually, I do know because we’ve been extremely busy lately, and the days don’t seem to have enough hours in the day lately. 

Stan and I just got home from (around 10:45 pm) from picking up Bella and her friend from downtown, they worked there all day at Lollapalooza, and I didn’t want them taking the train back home this late at night with a million other people.  Surprisingly enough, traffic wasn’t AS bad as we had expected, I mean, it wasn’t great, but we imagined a very different scenario.  

Today was a very interesting day, and I did a lot more running around than usual, I also had an eye doctor’s appointment on top of everything else, and Stan had a doctor’s appointment with a specialist also.  So much going on lately. 

I was listening to the song “Landslide” this evening while I sipped my coffee, and the following lyrics caught my attention: 

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I couldn’t help it by to reflect on those words, and identify with them at the same time.  

Can the child within my heart rise above?  I think so.  I hope so, I believe so.  There is a child within my heart that always keeps me going, and enjoying life fully no matter what. I’m embracing it now more than ever!

Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides? I’m already doing it, I’ve been sailing, swimming through many ocean tides in my life, especially this year.

Can I handle the seasons of my life? Yes! I have to, it’s way better than not.  Seasons make life even more meaningful, I’m learning to love, and understand them all… in their own way. 

I think I’ll go to sleep now.  I’m not promising a morning journal page, I’ll see how the morning shapes up.  I have train drop off duty early morning again, and then work, work, work.

Good night, sweet dreams! ❤️

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

Today is my youngest daughter’s Bella’s 19th birthday, and we’ve been celebrating since the crack of dawn pretty much.  

It’s past 10 pm and I’m so, so tired, and tomorrow we have a very busy day.

I’ll share some of the birthday fun in tomorrow’s journal page, maybe I’ll be able to get some front porch time too! 🥰

Good night! 

Tuesday, July 27, 2021

Another “Cinderella” type of day! Almost midnight, and here I am, writing about the day!  My weekdays don’t seem to have enough hours in the day, there is so much to do, but I’m so, so thankful for the distractions, and awareness of a full life. 

Today was a busy day at work for me, and also a busy day at home.  Michelle had another doctor’s appointment, and I had a couple of errands to run to get ready for tomorrow’s special day! 

I met a friend for lunch, and we talked and talked and talked, and we cried a few tears too, it’s therapeutic to have friends with which you can be completely open, especially if they enjoy good food too! 😃

I talked to my mom briefly this evening, she always makes me happy, weather we speak for 10 minutes, or one hour! She’s the most positive, and KIND person there is on this planet, no question about it!

Hoping to get a good night’s rest, and wake up with lots of energy for our day filled with celebrations! I’m off from work tomorrow, and I can’t wait to spend it with my family doing all the things we love!  Good night! ❤️

Monday, July 26, 2021

Oh, what a night… and day! 🎶😃❤️

I don’t even know where to start!  It was filled with so many things from beginning to end!!! The day started bright and early, and I’m just sitting down now for the first time.  

Michelle had an early doctor’s appointment to see a specialist at the hospital, to which we had many questions we wanted to ask.  We left with mixed emotions, and not a whole lot of answers, but a little more hope.  The doctor however, could use a course on the psychology of the patient, or empathy. He might have knowledge about the human body, but had ZERO tact on how to talk to patients (and families) dealing with unfamiliar health territories.  Thankfully, we were referred to a new specialist, and hopefully we won’t have to see him again anytime soon. 

Now, if we talk about Michelle’s Primary Care doctor (and mine too), he gets an A, AND gold medal on empathy and sympathy, simply amazing, understanding, and caring.  There are all kinds in every field I guess. 

But moving on from that sour experience… on our way home, Michelle and I picked up Chipotle and brought it home for us to eat together with Bella too, who had stayed home while we were at the hospital for Michelle’s appointment.  The three of us sat at the table and had one of the BEST conversations we’ve had in a while.  We talked, and talked and talked, and shared our thoughts about all kinds of things, and opinions too.  It was a super awesome and sweet bonding experience, our lunch made me smile. 

As soon as we finished eating, the girls went shopping for some clothes, and I stayed home catching up with some work stuff, and talking to a friend on the phone for almost an hour!  Every time I talked to her on the phone, we talked for a long time, and our conversations always flow in the most amazing of ways.  I think that always happens, because we are both very honest and transparent with our lives, our feelings, and where we are at in the world, no matter what it is.  We share the good, the bad, and the ugly, and somehow, we always find a way back to gratefulness, and hope, regardless of what life is throwing our way.  I’m grateful for my friend!

When Stan got home I went to the office to get ready for a meeting.  That meeting, sharing of ideas, and team work left me beaming, and smiling from ear to ear.  We are planning all kinds of awesome events, and fun things for the Jubilee celebration of the parish, and I can’t wait to start sharing some of it, it’s going to be GOOD!!!  Tonight’s meeting made me grateful for our community of faith, and the friendships I’ve made along the way.  Truly a blessing! ❤️

And to wrap things up tonight in the most awesome of ways, I got together with some long time friends to eat some yummy pizza, cookies from Crumbl cookies which I’ve never tasted before, and plan an exciting trip!!! 😍

I talked to my mom on the way home from my friend’s house, and then when I got home, my mom inspires me, she’s always so cheerful, grateful, and loving! She’s amazing, and I’m beyond blessed to have her as a mom!

Today was a GREAT day!!! Great, because despite the yuck in the day, we found a way to build a plan for action, to trust the process, and to love each other during the journey.  ALL will be well! ❤️

On the way out from the hospital, we had to go past the gift shop and as we walked passed it, this cheery sign caught my eye.  I immediately told Michelle, “I have to get it!” If you’ve been reading my journal pages, you might know by now that I am NOT a shopper, at all, but this sign had my heart at first sight.  It will proudly hang on a wall in my kitchen, because lemons you know 😉, and I want it to be in a prominent place, where we are reminded every day that, “When LIFE gets sour, we SWEETEN it with GRATITUDE!” 🍋❤️

Sunday, July 25, 2021

Today I was able to do a little bit of everything, some work, some rest, a few house chores, errands, and even snuck up a few hours to chat with a friend.  A day well spent for sure.

Tomorrow, I’ll share about a conversation I had with my mom yesterday.  It left me thinking about many things.  

It’s almost 11 pm, and I’m officially tired to the point of not being to keep my eyes open. ¡Hasta mañana! ❤️

Saturday, July 24, 2021

Some days make you smile a little bigger, and today has been one of those days! 💛

We had zero plans when we woke up, and by mid morning we were on our way to Woodstock’s Farmers Market  which is so, so cute by the way!!! I’ve never been there before, but I’ve heard plenty of great things about it.  Every Saturday I’d made plans to go, there was always something that interrupted the plans, but today, I made it happen.  

Stan, Michelle and I frolicked around the Square Market and visited every single vendor’s stand, talked to the farmers of some of them, and bought way too much produce and pickled goodies!!! I love food, but nothing makes me as happy as fresh produce, it’s simply the best, and when you are supporting a local farmer with your purchases, the smiles are doubled! 🥰

I lost count at how many times I heard Michelle say, “aww, look at that dog!!!” She loves dogs!

After walking around, and all of us ending with at least one grocery bag on each hand, we headed to a Vegetarian restaurant across the farmers market that many of the vendors raved about!  We asked a few people for restaurant recommendations, and since Michelle is vegetarian, “Expressly Leslie” seemed to be the best choice of the day, and wow, were they right about it, everything was DELICIOUS!!!

It’s not a formal sit down restaurant, but they do have a few tables available for people to eat there, and we did that, that was good enough for us, the food was some of the best I’ve had in a while, and so unique! Vegetarian food with a Middle Easter flavor, yum!!!

We decided to have the Full Sampler platter and share it.  It had two huge scoops of homemade humus, 14 salads with 12 falafel, pita bread and GF crackers.  I can’t even remember all of the salads but some of them were, Moroccan eggplant (OMG! Never tasted yummiest eggplant!), a salad  called “Jerusalem salad”, containing cucumbers, tomato, red peppers, red onion, and cilantro; a potato salad which was delicious and perfectly done, a cucumber salad, red cabbage slaw (BIG YUM!!!), a Moroccan sweet potato salad (😍🤩), Moroccan beet salad made with cooked beets, lemon juice, cilantro, red onion and some secret Moroccan seasoning that is simply amazing, and I could go on an on and on about this Middle Eastern Vegetarian food extravaganza of ours today.  If you like Vegetarian food, Middle Easter food, and any or ALL 😃 of those food items, I encourage you to make a trip there to try it, we are certainly going back! 

When I was trying to decide what to order, I talked to the owner Leslie for a short while and shared with her that my grandmother owned and operated a Vegetarian restaurant when I was younger, and I told her it was in Mexico, and she quickly said with a big smile, “oh really? Where? My husband is from Mexico! We just got back from visiting.” Double smiles for her and me! ❤️

Two of the vendors told us that the owner of Expressly Leslie”, started her business with a stand at the farmers market before opening her own restaurant, and her food is very popular with locals, and the farmers that sell produce at that farmers market.  All in all, a great experience!

Before leaving the Woodstock farmers market and the vegetarian restaurant, we stopped at a book thrift store in the same building where Expressly Leslie is, and we “lost” Michelle for a good hours, haha! Nothing makes this kids happier than books, ok, and dogs too!  She came out with a few good finds, and I’m sure she would’ve taken even more if she could.  

After many hours in Woodstock, we headed back home, but first we stopped at a health food store on the way to pick up a few vitamins we had ran out of, AND some yummy and GF chips for the salsas we bought at the farmers market, another yum!!! One of them is a corn and black bean salsa, and the other one a key lime and mango salsa, that I cannot wait to try!  The salsa vendor said it was the most popular salsa.  Oh, we also got some delicious pickled mushrooms with garlic and dill, ay, ay, ay, someone please pinch me! 

I always spend a liiiitle more 😃 than I had planned when I visit a Farmers Market, but I always feel great about buying fresh produce and product, and most importantly, about supporting local farmers and local businesses, a win, win! 🥬🫑

The day ended with a two hour nap for moi, and a well deserved laid back evening.  Now, I’m ready for some chips, fresh salsa, and a movie! 

My FAVORITE part of the day was spending time with Stan and Michelle (miss Bella was out with friends having her own outdoor fun), especially seeing Michelle enjoy the day so much! Nothing makes me happier than seeing my kids happy and well! 💕

Farmers Market, fresh produce, yummy food, bargain books, cute puppies, and two long car rides of conversations, good music, and singing makes this day one of my favorite days this Summer so far.  Grateful for moments of joy like the one we had today. ❤️

Friday, July 23, 2021

For the last few days, I have felt an unusual type of calmness.  The calmness that comes from “accepting”, walking my own path, surrendering, and reminding myself to inhale peace as I walk through all the emotions, and experiences I never thought would be part of my life…. but they have been, and they are.

The more I think about it, the more I realize those calming feelings of accepting are not focused on hope.  I do love the idea of hope, hope has gotten me through a lot in the past, but hope for me right now, in this heavy season of hardship, seems fleeting, it almost feels as a fairy tale of sorts.  Hope is something I would think to lean on, when hard moments in life feel “tolerable”.  Let’s be hopeful… we say.  

Hope has carried me through a lot indeed, but it’s not enough right now.  I am leaning on so much more than that, faith for one, and the inner strength I was blessed with at birth.  That voice that once in a while, either whispers, or shouts, “Get up! You can do this!” “You are a fighter”, “don’t give up!”, and yes, at times… “don’t loose hope!”

I had been fighting all the wrong battles lately, and they were making me sad, and desperate, but no more.  I’m not confident (at all!), that I won’t succumb to despair again (I pray not!) because loss, grief, and witnessing m loved ones struggle is TOUGH, but, I know myself, it’s almost as if my own inner self gave me enough time to feel all the feelings, and now I’m being awaken to other possibilities.  It’s an inexplicable sense of joy.  Swimming against current has never proven to be the ideal way of swimming, has it?

I’m determined to remain awaken to all possibilities of joy, and growth, boy, do I have plenty of material to grow from! 

2021 is sure proving to be the year I’ve grown the most since my appearance on this earthly journey almost 50 years ago, but I’m going with it, and thankfully, I have some pretty awesome humans to walk that journey with, and some others with brand new angel wings that are lighting the way for me, for us. 

I got this.  WE got this!!! ❤️

Thursday, July 22, 2021

I woke up smiling from ear to ear, rejoicing at how amazing of a day yesterday was!  Well, maybe not, AMAZING 🤪, but pretty rad, yes, that’s it! 

The day was busy, very, very busy, filled with appointments, work, errands, college stuff, event planning and so much more!  Stan had a test done in the morning that required him to take it easy the rest of the day (he’s fine thank goodness, well, we are still waiting for results, but he’s doing ok after the test), I had some running around to do for an event we had at work last night, Bella was busy choosing classes and registering for her Sophomore year at College (crazy! 😱), and then the evening got a lot busier, but SO fun, and so rewarding!!!

The social event we had at my job last night turned out to be even better than I had envisioned it! So many people came out, the sounds of conversations, and laughter, was just what my soul needed, and even though my feet were tired at the end of the day with all the prepping, and organizing during the day, and cleaning afterwards, my soul was WIDE awake!  Have you ever had those moments when you look around you, and your heart inhales peace and joy?! That was me last night! Everything about the Ice Cream social made me smile, and made me realize of all the good, and blessings that surround me.

BONUS… Bella, my youngest daughter came to help at my work event last night, and as a friend pointed out after the social, “a beautiful young lady, she carries herself with beauty and grace”, and that’s exactly who Bella is and more.  When my friend shared that, I told her that Bella is the same person they see at church, and everywhere else, at home also! Her essence is always the same, impecable, and filled with grace! That kid was born with a shinning heart. 

And speaking of children, I continue to worry about Michelle a lot, she’s struggling with many health issues, and my mom heart feels a little shattered for her, but yesterday I had a powerful realization of walking this journey with her, to continue to light the way for her as she works towards healing, and peace in the midst of this trial.  I’m confident that this is just a brief (please 🙌🏻🙏🏻) phase in her life, and that soon, we will all be rejoicing, and celebrating her progress, and good health.  One of my favorite quotes, and one I have at the end of my work signature in all emails is, “The things we take for granted, someone else is praying for.”  Anyone that has ever struggled with anything (I’m sure most of us have), can most likely appreciate that quote as well.  There is so much we don’t see behind someone’s smile, that’s why I’m such a huge advocate and encourager of kindness.  Encountering KIND people in our lives, could possibly be, one of the greatest blessings.  

I’ve noticed lately that when I catch myself feeling joy, I recognize that immediately, and internally, I give thanks for that gift.  I don’t think I was as aware of feelings like that before, I just went along, and enjoyed the ride, it’s different now.  I walk in full awareness, in complete appreciation, and always recognizing the moments presented in front of me.  

Life is a miracle, a privilege, a BLESSING, there is not a single moment I take for granted anymore.

I discard the yuck, and embrace the good.  Just LOVE! ❤️

Wednesday, July 21, 2021

Good morning!!! ☀️

Front porch sitting, drinking my coffee, and having a bowl of oatmeal my daughter made, which happens to be very delicious!  A lawn mowing company is cutting the neighbor’s grass, and the day is cloudy and a bit chilly, I’m loving this moment right now. 

Last night I tossed and turned with a million thoughts on my mind, I was trying to “fix” the world, and situations around me with different scenarios and strategies, WHILE preserving peace within me, and continue to fiction and thrive.  I’m sure it’s happened to most of us… the staying up late, tossing and turning in bed, and the mind working a million miles an hour.

I even had a dream last night about a little boy that was unsatisfied with life, and the way things were going for him.  I sat down with him and said, “I know things didn’t turn out to be the way you expected (the boy was particularly upset about one incident), but, from that disappointment, can you come up with a few things that brought you joy that day?!”  His eyes lit up, he smiled, and he said yes with his head.

I woke up feeling a little relieved from all my self questioning from last night, but a little confused and with MORE questions about the meaning of that dream.  Was the boy my brother JR still unsatisfied with how things ended for him, and that was my way of consoling him? Was the boy, the inner side of ME, and I was consoling myself, and telling myself that joy and light can still be found and felt in the midst of despair?  Perhaps, it means absolutely nothing, and the boy, was just a boy, and my dream, was just a dream, but my dreams have proven to be big messages and reminders for me in the past, in either way, at least, it’s our subconscious mind speaking to us. 

Actually, the more I think about it, I don’t think it has anything to do with my brother, I firmly believe that my brother is at peace, whole, and enjoying a life completely unaware to us, where there is no pain of any kind, but only, fullness of life and love.  That makes me happy. 

Speaking of other things less philosophical 😁 - I’m organizing an ice cream social at work, and putting together a few other projects, and that brings me a lot of joy! I’ve always loved planning fun events, since I was young!  If I had to (or could), go back to school, I’d go into PR, Journalism, or anything related to people, I love all of it!

Today, is a tiny cloudier and cooler than I’d like it to be for an ice cream social, but I’m very thankful that we won’t be too hot sitting outside and mingling with people.  AND ice cream, is the best treat, no matter what time of the year, or what kind of weather we have…. Whip cream and sprinkles for me, please! 😋

Have a lovely day!!! 🥰

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

Sitting in my regular, and most favorite morning spot at home, the front porch! Drinking my coffee and having a little breakfast… al fresco! 🥰😉

Yesterday, a friend of mine shared a quote by Marc and Angel Chernoff that said “when someone undermines your dreams, predicts your doom, or criticizes you rudely and unfairly, remember, they are telling their story, not yours.” ✨

I read that quote, and I couldn’t help it but to think about my brother JR! His words were always, “Write your own story! Write your own story… no matter what!!!” He lived by that philosophy and by that truth! 

My brother did a lot of things (basically his whole life), that were nothing even a little close to ordinary; one day I’ll write a little more about his story, but I need time to process it all, and to go through the process without shattering my heart in a million pieces.  My brother lived an extraordinary life in his own way since the day I remember, he was a very unique human being, and because he chose to do life different that the rest of the world -at least the majority of the world- many times he was criticized, judged, and definitely misunderstood.  Thankfully not by everyone! There were plenty of people (me included!) that saw his worth and his soul just as he was, from day one.  

My brother was a genius, simply put, one day I’ll share more.  His brain was capable beyond measure, beyond ordinary measure.  He was born like that, he didn’t have to try.  He was wicked smart!!!

He had his own theories on life, he loved learning, exploring, and was never afraid to write his own story no matter what anyone thought of him, or his projects. The people he appreciated, and those who deeply loved him, will have my heart forever.  Those are the dreamers, the seekers, the true lovers of life, the people I admire most.

My brother hated small talk! He always searched for depth, he wanted to talk about intellect, the meaning of life, and share with those that saw the same depth in all things.  He loved a good silly, and dumb conversation too, I think those moments helped him breath a little when his brain was always trying to work overtime. 

Why be like everyone else, when we were born so immensely unique!  

May we never lend our pen with which we write our story, and especially allow ANYONE to undermine that very story that makes us so uniquely different and special.  It’s very easy to be followers, but it’s brave, to be yourself. ❤️

Monday, July 19, 2021

Well, hello there! It’s me again! It hasn’t been long since I shared yesterday’s journal and a lot has happened ever since… let’s just say, there is hardly a dull moment at the Borla’s, but I could go for some pretty ordinary days lately, let me tell ‘ya! 😏

We got home from the ER with Michelle around 2:30 am, and I was so hungry I made myself a pretty amazing panini at that time of the day, I think it was more a “relax, calm your nerves, and breath a little before you go to sleep”, type of thing.

There I was having a panini at closer to 3:30 am, and a big glass of homemade lemonade.  Then at some point I finally went to bed, and woke up a couple hours later to drive Stan to work, because guess what?! We don’t have a car yet! Lol! Ay, ay, ay!!! But that’s a completely different chapter.  It “seems” that car buying will happen today, say a prayer for us!!! We need that car desperately, and pretty soon we will need a third car because Bella decided to do community college one more year, and get her Gen Eds out of the way here through the Harper Promise program.  It was not an easy road traveled a few days ago, but she seems very content with her decision right now, and looking forward to working and going to school, or viceversa. Happy Bella, happy us! 

See how crazy life has been lately?! I went from ER, to paninis and lemonade, to lack of cars, and College in a split second! It could be my sleep deprivation and coffee slowly getting into my system! 😁

Thankfully, Michelle’s pain is under control now, her labs and ultrasound came back normal, and we just have to address her other health issues, which hopefully will start resolving soon.  It’s been a LONG road travel for this kid, but I’m hopeful that little by little, the sun will start to come out, and things will get better.  One thing is for sure, I admire her a great deal, because in the midst of all that she has been going through lately (which is a lot), she’s remained positive, focused on her healing, and physically active as much as she can to help her in every way.  Nutrition has been top priority for her too, which has helped a lot.  Keep the prayers coming!!! ❤️

As for the car situation, I’m hoping we can get that resolved SOON, because our morning car rides have evolved from 🤩😍🥰 to 🙄😤😩 now, and it’s not muy pretty! 🤪

Oh, oh!!! I forgot to mention Stan’s appearance in the kitchen at 3 am, checking on Michelle and almost screaming (he’s muy dramatic when it comes to not feeling well), from a really bad sinus situation.  As I was preparing my panini, I had to get a pot of steaming water with a tiny bit of essential oils to help with that… Jack of all trades, master of none! Ha! It’s a comedy club over here, I’m telling you, hey, at least we laugh along the way, it’s WAY better that way! 😁

Well, I better finish getting ready for work! It’s a good thing I love my job, because otherwise, I’d be dreading going there right now considering the hours of sleep I got.  I feel a lot better now after a shower and a cup of coffee, magic!!! 

Bella worked late hours last night, and Michelle, well, she went to bed just a few hours ago.  I think I’ll sneak out quietly and peacefully, and let Daisy be in charge for right now! 

May this brand new week we welcome today, be a week of good health, possibilities, joy, friendship, and KINDNESS!!! 💛

Sunday, July 18, 2021

It’s almost 11 pm and I’m sitting in a room at the ER with Michelle.  Not exactly how I envisioned ending a fun weekend, but things happen, well, it seems like “things” are just happening WAY too often lately, and that, I’m not 100% ok with, but no choice here.

The day started pretty ordinary for a Sunday with work, church, and anything and everything “church lady” related.  I went home late, late afternoon, almost early evening and I was pretty wiped.  I laid down briefly, and immediately fell asleep.  I took a TWO hour nap without knowing, and that might’ve been a God calling, considering how the day ended.  Had I not taken that two hour nap after a long weekend, things would be looking very different for me right now.  Thankfully, I don’t feel too tired right now, the physical part that is. 

But, even in the midsts of “constant” storms, there is a lot to be thankful for, and today, I’m most thankful for:

1. A fresh cup of coffee with a slice of delicious zucchini bread made by a friend.

2. Conversations and good laughs with church friends.

3. A pizza dinner with a good friend.

4. A well needed nap.

5. Health insurance.

Focusing on gratitude, taking time to notice, and reflect on the GOOD in my life, has almost been instrumental in my mood, and mental health as I journey through this heavy season of grief in my life. 

Praying for good results from Michelle’s tests today (they just wheeled her out for a few ultrasounds), for a pain free life for her, and for ordinary days, with extraordinary opportunities that bring nothing but pure joy.  This kid deserves all that, and a lot more. ❤️

Saturday, July 17, 2021

Today was a great day, a really good day!!! One of those days that leaves you smiling from ear to ear.

The day started off a little rough, but toward the middle of the day, it was all smiles, and rainbows.  A well needed day!!! 

Today, I was reminded of the importance and great gift of having friends and family that love you genuinely, and also, of loving them back.

I will share a little more about today with my morning coffee tomorrow, because it’s late, and I need to get some rest for tomorrow, but all I can say is, THANK YOU, sweet Saturday, for gifting us with today! ❤️

Today, I’m grateful for:

1. A drive to the airport to drop off a friend leaving town for a few days, and for the good laughs and conversation we had in the car on the way there.

2. For a delicious and perfectly made, almond milk iced coffee (no sugar please!), from DD while I ran some errands.

3. A hug from a friend I love dearly, and for her love and care about me.

4. New friends made at a birthday party… same party where I got that awesome hug!

5. Helping celebrate my nephew who is going away to Med school tomorrow, I’m so proud of him.

A wonderful, lovely day that will stay in my heart for days to come. ❤️

Friday, July 16, 2021

So very happy Friday is here, although we have a busy weekend ahead, it feels like a breather of sorts.  A time to disconnect a little from weekday responsibilities, and connect with more carefree and joy filled moments.

This week was hard in many ways, but I tried my best to focus on the good, some days I feel like I don’t know myself anymore, life has felt like an out of body experience at times.  Nothing feels the same, well, nothing is the same, but I’m determined to make the best of life with the blessings that surround me, which are many. 

This week was my dad’s six month anniversary of his death, and six months since the last time I heard my dear youngest brother’s voice.  I miss him.  I miss him a lot.  I miss him the most.  I miss his essence.  I miss his heart.  I miss our conversations with depth!!! I haven’t had those since he’s been gone.  When a loved one dies, the lives of those they deeply touched, are also transformed forever.  Nothing will ever feel the same, but I’m learning to live with that void, lean on the blessings that surround me, and the love of those that see the whole picture for me, my pain, as well as my love.

Yesterday, a good friend of my brother, reached out to me to share some of his writing pieces, a video, and even the last email they exchanged.  Her gesture deeply touched me, and through the distance, I could feel her love, gratitude and admiration for my brother.  She is another one of those people that really got him, that appreciated him, that UNDERSTOOD him, and even though I’ve never met her in person, I already feel deep affection and appreciation for her.  Any person my brother trusted with his work, and his vulnerability, they have all my respect, appreciation, and attention.  I hope to meet her one day.  Nothing is a coincidence, I truly believe that. 

How do you show up for others? ❤️

I think that’s always a good question to ponder on. 

Grief has taught me so much in the short time I’ve been journeying with it. Although, in all honesty, it feels like an eternity at times.

The day is cloudy and not too hot.  I can see the leaves on the trees move gently with today’s calm breeze.  Nature brings me peace, I’m thankful for the gift of recognizing the miracle of nature.

I think today I will choose a pretty path to go on a walk.  Nature always liberates my soul.  I hope you have a joy filled day, and encounter many moments filled with kindness. 💛

“A walk in nature, walks the soul back home.” Mary Davis

Thursday, July 15, 2021

Sitting in one of my favorite summer spots at home, the deck.  I love this place, and all the feelings it brings me.  

I love sitting here with my family, and friends sometimes, but mostly, by myself, especially when I need moments of solitude like today.  It’s a peaceful little oasis of love.  It nourishes my soul, and boy, oh boy, does my soul need some nourishing and healing right now.  I’m taking it all in, inhaling peace, exhaling healing. 

I just got off the phone with my mom, the most faithful and religious human being I’ve ever known personally on this planet, truthfully.  Anyone that knows my mother, would certainly say the same thing.  She is a firm believer of her faith, a warrior of her struggles, and above all, accepting of anything and everything that happens in life because there is a reason and a purpose for it.  I “rebelled” today, and shared exactly how I’m feeling about all the misfortune, and struggles of life, and where my heart and soul are at right this moment.  

It took me a minute thinking inside my head, “should I just listen to my mom as always? Or should I share how I’m feeling, even though some of my feelings are contrary to hers? At least for the time being.”  I decided to be honest, hiding, and pretending is not doing me any good, instead, it’s contaminating the person I was born to be.

I shared… everything. I was VERY open with my mom about my feelings, and frustrations with life, faith, everything that simply doesn’t seem to be working in our favor.  I’m not asking for extraordinary, JUST an ordinary life, the simple things, the every day life that most people seem to enjoy, without SO many stinking uphill battles.  Sorry, I don’t mean to be complaining, it’s not about that, but it’s all about transparency and vulnerability.  I’m not looking for sympathy either, at the contrary.

I know, (I PRAY & HOPE!) this is all transitory, and one day soon, we will have a conversation that will include many, “remember when?!” and laugh!!!

Yes, one day, I want to be able to remember all these moments, and laugh, smile, whatever opposite to grief it is.  I don’t want to “look back”, I don’t even like that concept, not anymore… I want to remember the good times, pray for the moments that made us sad, and live in the present!  

I’m glad I opened up to my mom.  As always, and as graceful as she is, she listened, and she listened well, and then she said, “you are right, we’ve gone through enough already…” tears are rolling down my face as I write this, because that loving affirmation from my mom during these hard times, is all I needed right now. 

You’d think I share a lot, I don’t even share half of what we’ve gone through lately, believe me, it’s better that way, ha! 🙃

I know this is just a phase, stage, moment in our lives, nothing lasts forever, and one day, we WILL recover from it all, and will go on and continue to thrive in this wonderful journey of life.

The day is still very young, but I can still be grateful (already), for many things, including:

1. A perfectly hot, and flavorful cup of coffee after waking up.

2. A phone call with my mom.

3. An avocado toast with a slice of ripe tomato and crushed red pepper on top.

4. The beautiful flowers on the deck, as I sit here and meditate.

5. The cool breeze on my face reminding me of the many miracles of life.

Moments of gratitude are always at our fingertips, even, when our walk feels a little heavier.  I hope you notice them too. ❤️

Wednesday, July 14, 2021

Some days, gratitude takes on a whole new level, and not exactly because you have a lot of obvious things to be grateful for, but because you see the blessings in everything, despite, the burdens and struggles of life.

Today was a challenging day in many ways, but I also had a few awesome moments, and I leaned on those moments to help me see the rainbow at the end of the storm. 

I think gratitude is a skill, at least, that’s how I see it now after having experienced loss, and lots of heartache lately. Gratitude is definitely a skill.  It’s EASY to feel it and to be aware of it, when life is peachy and things go as planned, but when you have to really focus on gratefulness, to notice and appreciate the blessings sprinkling the struggles around us, gratitude becomes a skill.  You can savor it better that way, I think.

Today, I decided to focus on the things I was grateful for during the day, especially when my walk felt a little heavier. 

It worked, and even though my day ended with a few tears, I felt grateful for having a lovely home, and a safe place where I could be completely me, and vulnerable about my feelings.  Gratitude chaser. 

Today, I’m grateful for:

1. Having the opportunity to pray with my community of faith, on my dad’s sixth month anniversary of his passing.

2. Lunch at Chipotle with my eldest.

3. A meeting with a dear friend planning a cool project coming up.

4. A 20 minute walk by myself.

5. A warm cup of coffee with hazelnut creamer at the end of the day.

When moments of gratitude don’t come knocking on our doors, we must chase them and pursue them.  They are always there, willing, and ready to make our souls smile a little more. ❤️

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

A joy filled and KIND day to you! ❤️

The benefit of evening meetings and late work nights, is that I can sit in the porch of my house with a cup of coffee in my hands… a little longer, and I’m fully loving it!!! ☕️

As I sat down, I realized that I haven’t been actually sitting here for the past few days, and as I had that realization, I almost gasped! What? Me? My precious little time with coffee in the mornings, absent from my daily routine for days?! Well, I survived, but I missed it, a lot! I “need” this routine, it’s almost fundamental to the foundation of the start of my day. I’m happy now, my heart is smiling, as I sit here, coffee in hand, sipping and tasting this flavorful cup of coffee, in silence, and smelling the wet grass and the flowers from the rain last night, ahhh, almost divine. 

Yesterday was one of those days I wish to keep in my memory bank for years to come.  Everything (well, almost everything, except for Bella’s College drama, that’s for another “episode” of coffee with Maria” 😂) went well, and happy and in complete harmony.  My work day was a complete success, I worked on quite a few projects, and everything just flowed beautifully, and at the end of the day, I logged off with a big smile on my face… “well done friend, thank you Holy Spirit for being present in all the work done today”, I whispered as I stepped away from my desk to leave the office for the day. 

One of those special moments yesterday, was a lunch date with Michelle and Bella at Honey Berry, yum, we love that place!!! And speaking of work, the girls were talking about work, and earning a living, and having to do this or that to survive and pay your bills, and Bella said something between the lines of, “omg can you believe having to work for hours, to make a living and probably not liking your job, or almost not at all, which is almost everyone!” Michelle immediately perked up and said, “are you kidding me?!!! Mom LOVES her job! She never seems to have enough of it!” Ha! And that’s is true! I do love my job, I love what I do, I love my area of work, and the community we serve.  I don’t ever see my job as “work”, but rather a play field that gives back as much as I put in as far as effort and love.  It’s a true blessing. 

Michelle has a few appointments today with specialists, to help us figure out what’s going on with her health. If you can, please say a prayer for her (and me, and us).  Pray for strength, for good outcomes, for hope, courage, and patience. “For when two or three gather together in my name, there I am with them…” 

Have a lovely day! ❤️

Monday, July 12, 2021

It’s 11:15 pm, and I just finished getting ready for bed.  Today was a very busy day, I had a handful of projects at work, two very good meetings, and some things accomplished at home as well. A great day.

I can hear the girls chatting and laughing downstairs, I LOVE how much they love each other!!!  I always prayed and hoped they’d had a good sister relationship, but I would’ve never imagined the level of affection, love and respect they have for each other, their relationship inspires me. 

Michelle, Bella and I went out for lunch today, and we had a great time.  We talked, and talked and talked, and we laughed quite a bit too.  Even though this time together wasn’t supposed to happen this way, I’m embracing the time we have together right now.

Today has been a day of gratitude, I’ve noticed even the “little” blessings in my life, and I’m very thankful for that. 

Today, I’m thankful for:

1. Lunch with Michelle and Bella

2. A delicious lox and bagels meal

3. A nap after lunch

4. A phone call with my mom

5. A GREAT meeting at work where truly, the Holy Spirit was at work

And since it’s Bella’s birthday month, I think I’ll share another Bella tale of the month! 😉

Bella must’ve been 11 or 12 years old and we were driving to Target.  Bella was sitting in the passenger seat of the car and she exclaimed all of a sudden, “wow mom, this is ironic! A tortilla truck (El Milagro to be exact) is right next to us, and you are driving the car!” Get it, tortillas, I’m Mexican… BIG coincidence! Haha - ironic, iconic, a comedy I’d say! 😁

Good night! ❤️

Sunday, July 11, 2021

More than 12 hours since I had this cup of coffee and I left for work this morning.  More than 12 hours since getting a little rest, it was a very busy day, but also, a very productive and good day!!! ❤️

I worked the majority of the day, and after work, I met a couple of friends for dinner.  We ate and laugh, laughed and ate some more, and it was just really, really lovely to be able to spend time with them and catch up about our lives.

I’ve learned a few lessons in the past few days, lessons that are helping me grow in this new stage of life, this brand new journey of growth and love. 

My journey of life feels so different now, and so much bigger, sometimes it feels like an out of body experience of sorts.  I’m learning to dance to a completely different rhythm and to accept and love my journey fully. 

Today was a good day. A day of blessings. 

Saturday, July 10, 2021

It’s 7:15 pm and I feel like I’ve already had a full day, well, I have, it’s been a busy day, but I’ve also accomplished a lot and had some great laughs with a friend.

I’m sitting in the living room all by myself, Stan left with Bella to drop her off at a friend’s house for a graduation party.  She worked most of the day, and stopped at home briefly to get ready, she looked so cute and SO happy, her joy is contagious, she is the sweetest kid.  I’ve been trying to absorb some of that joy, and sweetness that Bella radiates daily.  I need it in my life now more than ever.

Michelle is currently on her way home from New York.  Her visit was not planned, and it’s for nothing exciting, at the contrary, this girl of mine has had a load full of health issues lately, and she needs to be home so she can be seen by her group of medical professionals.  Who knew that worrying about diaper rashes, elementary school drama, and junior high attitudes would become such minute and insignificant things?! I’d give anything to worry about that stuff all over again, instead of this bigger stuff.  She deserves a break, a BIG and ongoing break from all this yuckiness she’s dealt with for so long now. 

I was talking to a friend today and I said, “If I could, I’d throw 2021 out the window right this moment, I’ve had enough of it…” she felt the same way, she herself has gone through a lot this year.   It’s good to have friends that understand and can relate to a certain extent. 

Today, especially today, I’ve been focusing a lot on gratitude, on appreciating all the things my life is still blessed with.  Giving THANKS for the good in my life, even when the walk seems like it’s constantly uphill.  There is still a lot of goodness.

I used to have a special gratitude journal when the girls were little.  Every day, I’d write down FIVE things I was grateful for that day.  On most days, my gratitude was about simple things, other days, more extraordinary moments, but nevertheless, my appreciation was always immense, no matter how big or small the blessings in my life where each day. 

Today, I’m thankful for:

1. A delicious breakfast I cooked for my family. Cooking makes me happy.

2. A cup of coffee with a new vegan creamer Bella bought today.

3. A car ride with my priest friend, Father George, I’m so thankful to know him and have him in my life.

4. A laughing “attack” with a friend, about something dumb.

5. The gift to recognize the blessings in the storm.

Learning to dance in the rain, has taken on a whole new meaning this year, but I will keep my dancing shoes on, and wait for the sun to come out. ☀️

Friday, July 9, 2021 

Thankful for my smiles tonight, after a big, eventful, inspiring and chaotic day.  

Although I value my coffee time in the porch every morning, today was just simply impossible to do that.

In the middle of the night yesterday, I developed a migraine that made me quite uncomfortable the rest of the night, which contributed to me waking up super tired this morning.  I think I hit the snooze button at least five times this morning, something I rarely do.  After a quick shower and getting ready for work, I headed to church to attend daily Mass which was in memory of my brother for his five month death anniversary.  A friend of mine had Masses said every 9th and every 14th days of the month in memory of my dad and brother, the days on which they died.  I try to attend Mass on those days every month, a special way to remember them by.  At most of those Masses, I just sit there, and try to process my thoughts and feelings, and I often shed a few tears.  Today was different, as I sat there and felt nothing, faith wise, I found myself feeling resentful, disbelief, but at the end, I was graced with peace in my heart, and I was very thankful for that, especially for the awareness of all those feelings.  Grief is such a mysterious and unpredictable journey, but I’ve welcomed all the feelings from day one, to me, it’s the only way to heal. 

After Mass I had plans to run a couple of errands before heading back to my office, and on the way out, I was invited by a group of sweet ladies from church to join them for breakfast at a local restaurant, and since I hadn’t even had a cup of coffee yet, I right away accepted their invitation, it was a good decision! I had such a great time visiting with them, sharing stories and laughing about the silliest of things. A good diversion for sure! 

After breakfast, I headed back to the office and worked until early evening until it was time to leave for a memorial service for family members of dear friends.  The Memorial service was lovely, touching, and filled with beautiful moments.  Sitting there, listening to words of remembrance, and church songs used at funerals and memorials, I couldn’t help it but to think about my own losses, and the memories I created with them.  I cried quite a few tears, but this service also brought me peace, and by the time I left the church, I felt lighter, my heart healed a little more.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I felt less pain in my heart, and even though the day presented other unexpected challenges and some decision making for our family, I felt healed.  Grace meets us when we least expect it.  This journey of faith, this journey of life is teaching me more lessons than I ever presumed I’d learn.  I’m not thrilled about the circumstances, but I’m grateful for the gift of personal and growth.  Today has been a good day. ❤️

Thursday, July 8, 2021 

Ok, this won’t make the National breaking news, BUT, I just got back from a walk, and I didn’t take my phone with me!!! Who am I?! I don’t even know anymore! 🤷‍♀️😁

A morning walk might seem like an ordinary thing to do for most people, but certainly not for me lately.  This is day 3 of my “you can do hard things, Maria!” challenge, and putting on gym shoes first thing in the morning feels like quite an accomplishment - it is! 

I also decided to stretch my challenge just a little more today, and left the house for my mile+ walk without carrying my phone in my hand.  I have to admit that it felt VERY weird at first.  I manage all the social media and communication platforms at work, and my phone is almost part of me, I use it daily, and frequently.  Electronics have become almost a necessity in our daily lives, and to be honest -although I do love a good electronic gadget- I think we’ve become dependent on them.

By the time I was closing the garage door holding absolutely nothing, I almost had an urge to go back and grab my phone.  I didn’t, and guess what? I survived! 😁🥳 And not only, did I survive, I really enjoyed being phone free for a short while, focusing on my walk, the steps I took, the rhythm of my heart and my thoughts, which I have plenty of all the time.  I also said a few prayers for my big girl, who is in need of them all right now.  Maybe the fact that I woke up with that desire on my mind of walking phone free this morning, was meant to be for that whole reason.  Solitude, peace, and prayer. 

I’m not going into work until this afternoon today, and I’ve decided to sit on the porch with my coffee for a little longer than usual.  It’s a cool 64 degrees right now, it’s very peaceful out here, Daisy is sitting by the front steps taking it all in, and we are both enjoying this time in our own ways. 

I had hoped to share a little bit of Bella every day this month in honor of her birthday, and here I am on day 8, sharing tale #8 🤦🏼‍♀️, what can I say? Life happens… but here I am, regrouping again, and that’s what count! 🥰

July Bella tales take 8 🎬

Bella was born with a heart of gold!!! Anyone that knows Bella, can support me on this one.  She has been kind, humble and SO sweet, from day one, her essence has never changed, instead, it’s made her even more gracious and loving.

When Michelle started High School, Bella was still im Elementary school, she must’ve been 10 years old then.  Michelle LOVED the High School’s chocolate chip cookies, she just couldn’t get enough of them, and she’d buy one almost every day.

One night, as we were making lunches ready for the next day, and getting ready for bed, Michelle asked for money (again) to buy another cookie.  I don’t remember exactly what I told her, but it was something within the lines of, “we can’t afford to buy cookies every day…” or something like that.  Bella quietly disappeared for a few seconds, and then came running down the stairs to find Michelle and give her money for a chocolate chip cookie.  She had gone upstairs to her bedroom, and taken money from her piggy bank to share her “wealth” with her sister for a chocolate chip cookie! 😭🍪😍

“Here Michelle, you can buy a chocolate chip cookie at school tomorrow!” followed by a big hug for her sister, will stay with me forever.

To this day, their friendship is one of my biggest blessings, the love they have for each other, inspires me. 💞

Wednesday, July 7, 2021

Well, my morning coffee journal page, ended up on my lap way too late into the night. 

This morning ended up being very chaotic and I had to go into work earlier than expected.  Sometimes (most days) we make plans, and something else derails them, but I still made it a point today to work on mindfulness, healthy eating and even a morning walk, some of the only things keeping me sane these days.

It felt good to be able to still get that short walk in the morning and move my body for 20 minutes, and although I had a busy work day, I managed to go home for a late lunch and fix myself a super yummy salad.  I also listened to a podcast on meditation and mindfulness and it helped me clear my mind a little and focus on what really matters.  Work in progress.

Maybe I’ll try to go to sleep now even though my mind is racing about a million other things.  I keep telling myself, “control what you can, control what you can…” one day at a time is the best advice I can give myself these days. 

Good night y buenas noches también! ❤️

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

Front porch, coffee in hand and many thoughts on my mind. Good morning! ☀️

Back to the saddle today like the old saying goes!  After a three day weekend, and lately, some of the hardest days of grieving for me, I’m going back to work today, and I couldn’t be more thankful for it.  I’ve realized that routine, and especially getting out of the house and interacting with other people, helps me a lot.

I spoke with a friend on Friday night (at a birthday party of all places), about the way I had been feeling.  I didn’t volunteer any information, but she asked how I was doing, and since she’s gone through quite a bit of loss and grief in her life herself, I felt safe being completely honest, and the moment her sentence finished “how are you doing…?” My tears immediately started running down my face.  I was immediately on guard when I felt the tears on my checks, not because of her, I felt blessed and thankful to have her next to me trusting her with my pain, but for the people around us.  I don’t want to be pitied, and especially, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, I just want to be heard and understood.  I knew that friend sitting next to me in that moment, was all that and a little more.  She sees me, and I know she understands me.  She’s suffered physical losses in her life, tough ones, and we relate with each other on the parenting level as well.  A keeper! ❤️

Our short conversation helped me that day, but it also made me realize the depth of my grief after almost six months. I think I’m feeling it more now than I did before, not sure why, but I’m definitely feeling it in a new way, a different level.  Grief has phases, stages, chapters, I’m going through them all, and right now I’m going through that awful realization of coming to terms with the physical separation of loosing a dear loved one.  The “they are never coming back… he will never send me another text, another, how’s your day going sister?!” It’s gone, poof, just like that, GONE into thin air! I have to find a way to come to terms with that reality and I need to start by taking care of myself. 

Stan has been my saving grace lately.  He’s been my companion, my guide, and as cheesy as it may sound, the wind beneath my wings.  He’s been patient, and he’s also encouraging. 

This morning I woke up determined to overcome this awful grief that has invaded my life since my brother died. I have to, I need to. I want to.  The moment I put my feet on the floor, I got dressed, and headed downstairs to put my gym shoes on and go for a walk.  Every step I took felt heavy, so heavy, and the first five minutes felt like an eternity, I almost couldn’t do it.  I walked for approximately 20 minutes, and that’s about all my body could take today, but I was very proud of that accomplishment.  After my walk, I hoped in the shower, and then made myself a healthy breakfast before heading to work.  I felt so much better after doing all that. 

I’ve always been a fighter and I’m not about to loose this battle. Instead, I’ll focus on getting better and stronger every day, and most importantly, I continue to count the many blessings I have in my life. ❤️

Monday, July 5, 2021

I have the day off today, the office is closed in observance of Independence Day and I couldn’t be happier, I needed this day big time!!! 

It’s almost 90 degrees out and humid, but I’m still sitting on the front porch drinking my first cup of coffee, because that’s my daily ritual, and rituals keep me going on most days. I’m still loving it and enjoying every moment of it, the front porch is almost a sacred place for me, it connects me with life and allows me to be just who I am in that moment in time. 

Bella is off to Wisconsin with her friend and family, Stan is looking at cars, we’ve been a one car family of three for the past few weeks, and it’s no bueno anymore, we need a second car as soon as possible! With all of us working, it’s been quite the balancing act getting places and figuring schedules out. 

I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and last night a tasty margarita (I was determined to enjoy myself a little) ended with a migraine, and by 9:30 am this morning, I was just coming to terms with life haha - I could hardly open my eyes after taking my migraine prescription last night which takes me out for the count usually.  It’s almost noon and I still feel very tired, but thankfully, the migraine is gone! 🙌🏻

Today is my friend Laurel’s birthday and I’ve been reflecting on the gift of friendship since I woke up.  Life put thousands of miles between my birth family and I when I got married, and moved far, far away, but in return, it blessed me with the most amazing of friendships that have become family during all these years. Thankful, grateful, blessed! ❤️

Sunday, July 4, 2021

This morning I woke up feeling a little blue, I’ve been feeling like that for a few days now and today was no exception, I just couldn’t shake it off.  

At 11:30 am, I had two choices, I either stayed in my pajamas, sleep and watch tv all day and cry, OR, get in the shower, and put something together for us to celebrate Independence Day before Bella had to go to work.  THANKFULLY, I chose option 2!  I had to push myself, and look for the rainbow after the storm, I’m glad I did.

I invited a friend to join us for dinner and we grilled burgers, and made some corn and all the burger fixings, a yummy plate of fruit, chips, dip and delicious margaritas.  We visited for six hours straight, and talked and talked and laughed some too, it was a great escape and distraction.  

We ended the night with a walk to the frozen yogurt place where Bella works, and then some more time on the deck chatting and sipping iced tea.  

Holidays have always been a little hard for me, it’s always when I miss my family the most.  Today, I can proudly say that I did my best, and I was successful at it.  One day at a time, one moment at a time, I can do hard things, cry, yell inside of me, and get all those feelings out, but then and always, I will continue to be ME, to look within myself, to keep my head up and above water, and focus on the many blessings that surround me. 

I have been BLESSED with an incredible and supportive family, and I don’t take that for granted one single day. ❤️

Also, pretty please, can the firework stop already??? It’s almost midnight and they are still going strong all over the neighborhood, my poor dog has been so stressed out this yesterday. 😪

Good night! I hope you all had a great Independence Day and ate lots of yummy food too! 🍔🌽🍉

Saturday, July 3, 2021

This morning did not go as well as I had planned, and like the very well known proverb says, “we plan, God laughs.”  Nothing truer than that.

I went to bed last night EXCITED to waking up this morning to leave the house and do some exploring, except, as the morning started unfolding, some unexpected things and needs from others arose, and as I tried to hurry up and do what I had to do in order for my family and I to still go ahead with my plans, I could see the time go by faster than ever before, and suddenly Stan got busy with other household things, well, mainly the garden, his favorite place and he’d lost interest.  I don’t think he was thrilled about plan A to begin with, but he was “trying” to go with the flow and make a day of it.  Bella had some things she needed to take care of too, and at the end, we couldn’t really do or go anywhere.  

I’d woken up with a migraine already, and none of this last minute stuff was helping.  Frustration kicked in, and with that, grief, and all the ugliness of it all, followed.  

I hesitated to share all this because I didn’t want to sound like a grump or ungrateful, but I decided than instead of burying all those feelings and moments, it was important to be transparent and share life as it unfolds every day, after all, that has been the purpose of my journal from day one.  Pure realness, nothing fake or made up.  I feel good about it.  Actually, it helped me write it all down.

Instead of pushing myself in order to please everyone else today, I decided to finally hit the pause button, and tell my family that I just wanted to be home and relax and watch a movie, and maybe even take a nap.  Self care for me today meant resting and soaking in ALL the feelings I was feeling.  The “bigger” plans I had for the day had to be pushed aside, for my own personal well-being. 

Today, I realized just how important is to listen to our bodies, our minds and most importantly, our souls.  What are they telling us? Are we really listening when they speak to us?  Are we taking care of US, during those days and moments we spend so much time taking care of others? Do we leave room to honor the body and mind we’ve been given on this earth?

This year has taught me so much, I’d never be able to put into words exactly how much it’s changed me.  I’d like to think for the better.  Our perspectives change when we are faced with loss, but we can learn so much from it, and GROW from it too. ❤️

It’s 6:15 pm, I’m sitting on the porch of my house.  It’s calm and quiet, I can hear the fountain from our subdivision that sits across from us, I love that sound.  Stan is running errands with Bella, and we might order take out tonight instead of going out or cooking. Maybe we’ll take a walk to DQ for a blizzard or an ice cream cone.  Yeah, I like that idea. 

Self care today looks like, resting, taking it slow, and doing only, what my body and heart feel like doing. ❤️

Friday, July 2, 2021

What a day, what a day!!! It’s almost midnight and I’m sitting all by myself in the living room reflecting on all the things that happened today. ❤️

It was a busy day, a very busy day and it was filled with all kinds of emotions and feelings, smiles, laughter and even some tears. 

I had a busy day at work, and some errands to run during the day. A lot of driving around and some back and forth, and somehow between point A and point B, in the middle of the day, an ocean of emotions and grief hit me all at once.  Something made me remember my brother, and the reality of his absence scratched my soul and ripped open the wounds that are still trying to heal.  It’s not easy, I hate feeling so much pain, I hate almost all of it, I wish it weren’t real.  Some days I’m sad, other days that sadness is accompanied by anger and disbelief, today, I experienced it all.  I gave myself permission to cry, and let my tears comfort me.

I had a few good (and unexpected) cries with a some friends today, it wasn’t planned, it just happened.  I’ve noticed that when I’m talking to people that I know have experienced grief with the same intensity as I have, I immediately open up more and I allow myself to be completely vulnerable in their presence.  I need to learn not to apologize when tears show up unexpectedly though, but I do feel a sense of guilt when my tears make an appearance… I feel guilt in inconveniencing other people’s space with my pain, my grief.  I know they understand, of course they do, they’ve walked a similar path, a similar journey, but I still feel a sense of guilt and shame when I cry out of nowhere.  I know it sounds awful, but I can’t help it. I’m learning to accept myself as I am in this very moment, with my weaknesses, my pain and my struggles. THIS is who I am right now.

Today, was also a GREAT day! We celebrated my friend Laurel’s 50th birthday, and it was so, so lovely seeing so many people get together to celebrate her and sprinkle her special day with joy and love.  I am fortunate to know most of those friends well, they really are an amazing group of people.  I was especially happy to see my friend Laurel beaming the entire night, and enjoying her celebration.  Her happiness made my day! Sometimes, hope comes in the most of unexpected ways. 💕

Thursday, July 1, 2021

Welcome, July!!! ❤️

I don’t know why, but I’ve been waiting for this day with open arms! It almost feels like a new beginning of sorts, like a mid “New Year” celebration, and I need all the celebrations I can take these days.  July… I’m so happy you are here!!! ☀️

Another day, another month, another opportunity to welcome joy filled moments, to laugh more, to meet new people, to enjoy the presence and the life of all of those walking alongside our life journey. Another chance at personal and spiritual growth, and also, more healing. 

I’m off from work today and I’m actually very happy it ended up working out this way.  Being home will allow me to have less distractions and be more aware of the now. 

July is also the birthday month of my the baby of the family, our Bella girl! She brings us so much joy to our days, and we can’t wait to celebrate her at the end of the month.  In the meantime, I’ll dedicate this month to her! ☺️🥰🎈

July Bella tales take 1! 🎬

When Bella was 3 years old, she started going to preschool classes two times a week for a couple of hours.  During the entire school year and EVERY SINGLE TIME I picked her up, the moment the preschool door opened and the teachers said, “go on, you can to your mom now.” She’d go up to me with the BIGGEST smile, and happily and lousy say, “can I please have a ham and cheese sandwich when I get home???” 😍

One day, a mom approached me and said, “you must make the best ham and cheese sandwiches, she’s always so excited to eat them!” Haha! I will never forget that story. 

Bella loved my ham and cheese sandwiches for sure, but I think what she loved most (just like I did), was coming home with mom, to a place of comfort and love, rest and play, and feeling so, so loved!  My little girl with her adorable curls and sparkly personality will always have a special place in my heart. ❤️