Tuesday, June 20, 2023

Happy Tuesday!!! The alarm went off quite early this morning to tackle a few projects before heading out to work, but I’m enjoying my time alone now, and also a fresh cup of coffee. I just made another small brew, and the sounds and smell of it is filling the air (quite literally) with love… ☕️

I came across a blessing by Kate Bowler titled “A blessing for a life you didn’t choose”, and I think in one way or another, a lot of us can identify with the words in it. It’s a lovely blessing, but most importantly filled with so much depth, and truth.

The Life We Didn’t Choose…

Although I tend to be on the optimistic, positive side almost all the time, it’s always been my nature, life has taught me, and showed me that it’s OK to not be OK sometimes, and that crying, whining, frowning, and even questioning life at times, can be healing.

Life has been an interesting journey for me since my childhood until now, but as I read the words by Kate Bowler in her lovely poem about lines that appear in our lives that divide the before and after and sometimes it feels so surreal you can hardly figure out how we got there, my heart, and my mind (without intention and much effort) keeps going back to loosing my youngest brother. There are many other life situations that have left scars in my soul, but that one will be a pretty tough one to heal, although I’ve made a LOT of progress believe me.

They say the pain of a loss is as big, and as painful as it was the love, and that couldn’t be more true.

Sometimes I amaze myself honestly at the way I’ve been able to carry the world and others with the heaviness I’m carrying myself, but the being there for others, especially those I love has always been cathartic, and healing for me.

Deep love doesn’t close chapters when the story is “over”, because it’s never over. Deep love is not about a chapter, or a season, but rather a continuation of a beautiful story of human connection that lives for as long as it can.

Before signing off to start the day (again 😅), I’ll leave you with this beautiful blessing I mentioned. I hope it also brings you healing, and peace, and all the lovely and real feelings we should be allowed to feel, and embrace.

Wishing you a lovely day filled with kindness! ❤️

A Blessing For The Life You Didn’t Choose.

Blessed are you when the shock subsides, when vaguely, you see a line appear that divides before and after. You didn’t draw it, and can barely even make it out. But as surely as minutes add up to hours and days, here you are, forced into a story you never would have written. Blessed are you in the tender place of wonder and dread, wondering how to be whole when dreams have disappeared and part of you with them, where mastery, control, determination, bootstrapping, and grit, are consigned to the realm of before (where most of the world lives), in the fever dream that promises infinite choices, unlimited progress, best life now. Blessed are we in the after, loudly shouting: is there anybody here? We hear the echo, the shuffle of feet, the murmur of others asking the same question, together in the knowledge that we are far beyond what we know. Show us a glimmer of possibility in this new constraint, that small truths will be given back to us. We are held. We are safe. We are loved. We are loved. We are loved. And best of all: We are not alone.

Kate Bowler

Saturday, June 17, 2023

The day started extra early this morning, and not at a place I could’ve imagined, but my husband experienced a few complications after heart surgery yesterday, and I decided to stay at the hospital overnight to keep vigil. Thankfully, he’s doing much better today, and in better spirits too.

Every time I’m accompanying him at the hospital for a medical procedure, or treatment I’m always AMAZED at the humanity of the hospital staff, from surgeons, to cafeteria cashiers. It makes a big difference when you are having a sucky day and someone smiles, or helps in any way they can.

Stan’s Cardiologist couldn’t be sweeter, and kinder, and most importantly so skilled in his area of work. One of the head nurses in the Cardio unit at the hospital said to me yesterday before they brought him to floor, “he couldn’t be in better hands, if I ever needed heart surgery, I’d want Doctor M to take care of me… and he’s the best human being.” Well, she couldn’t have said it better, and amazing that he’s making an impact not only with his patients, but his staff, and hospital staff as well.

Speaking of hospital kindness, I had a very pleasant experience yesterday with a cafeteria employee. While Stan was in surgery I went to the lower level to have lunch, and since they have sooo many choices (this hospital’s cafeteria is pretty impressive), I kept walking around in circles trying to figure out what I wanted. They have a salad bar, a chef’s station with grilled items, deli station for homemade sandwiches, a soup bar, dessert station, and the list goes on… I kid you not! 😅 Needless to say, as I stood by the chef’s station contemplating ordering salmon, or fish and chips, a very nice, and good looking doctor walked up to the station to order lunch. The cafeteria lady approached him and said “Hello doctor! How can we help you today? What would you like?” And she had the biggest smile on! She seemed nice, but I also thought “well, he’s a doctor, and he seems very sweet, and he’s good looking… of course he’ll get prime treatment.” But I was actually super inspired by their interaction. The doctor at the chef’s station ordered fish and chips, and then walked away with a polite “thank you! Have a great day!”

As I started to make another round to try and figure out what I wanted to eat (being the foodie that I am, nothing sounded too appetizing, could’ve been my nerves), the nice cafeteria employee, the same that had just served the doctor his food, yelling out “sweetheart, what can we get for you? I’ve seen you walk around a couple times, can I help you with anything?!”

And the way she treated the medical staff, myself, and anyone else that walked by her, or went up to her chef’s station inspired me in more than one way.

Bottom line, we are all here to be of service to one another, to be kind to one another, to inspire, and hopefully, to also put a smile on people’s faces, and make their day a little better by the way we treat them.

And just like that story, I could write many from just the two days we’ve been here. We say nothing knew when we talk about the impact medical staff, and hospital workers make in people’s lives, but some people just have an extra special gift to put an extra smile on your face, and we have been blessed with many earthly angels the last 24 hours.

Just got back from a 4 mile walk around the hospital’s lake which is BEAUTIFUL, and as soon as Stan the man closes his eyes for a snooze, I’ll go out again to enjoy the weather, and the gorgeous views.

Grateful for today, for prayers, and kindness. ☀️

Thursday, June 15, 2023 ❤️

I’m sitting on the deck by myself, taking in the beauty of this gorgeous Chicago morning.  It’s breezy, temps are low 70, and just perfect, the birds are happier than ever today… I think, they sound super happy! 😉

It’s been almost three months since I journaled anything, life has been a bit chaotic, but in all honesty, I haven’t made the time to write, and I should do that more often because it makes me happy. It’s endorphins releasing for me.

The last few days I’ve felt a bit anxious for some reason, and I really can’t pinpoint the cause (I have an idea, but in the past that particular situation/person has been just an annoyance more than anxiety). The only other time I’ve experienced anxiety was when my brother died two years ago, and although this time around doesn’t feel exactly the same way (thank GOODNESS!!!), it feels bad, uncertain, unpredictable, WEIRD. Could it be menopause?! I’ve read menopause can bring on all kinds of symptoms, and newness to our overall health… and of course, I’m right in the midst of it, hysterectomy and all 12 years ago. Ahhh the glory of womanhood!

This morning I woke up at 6 am, but decided to stay in bed a bit longer, and before I knew it I had fallen back asleep, which helped a lot.

As I was waking up this morning, I got a text from Bella saying “Good morning mom! ☺️ I left you a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit on the counter.” She had gone over to her friend’s house to dog sit, and on the way home she stopped to get my favorite drive through breakfast of all time, love me some McD’s bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit sandwich, yum!! 🤩

Now, I haven’t shared any of my anxiety lately with anyone (except Stan last night and it felt good releasing that and sharing with someone). So Bella’s random act of kindness and sweetness just because, really made my day!

I’m feeling better today, and ready to take on the day. Going into work soon, but before I’m sneaking a walk in to take advantage of this glorious “almost Summer” day.

Speaking of Summer, I’m super excited about it, we have some fun things happening during the Summer months, and  I’m already feeling very joyful about all of it.

Before I sign off today, I just wanted to share something that made me think, and reflect about the meaning of gratitude. How can we highlight gratefulness in our lives, and not be vague about it? Without being intentional, or direct at all, my mom taught me a big lesson about it the other day. Many times when we say “I’m grateful for…” we are kind of skimpy about it, and we just say “food… clothes… my family…” etc… ALL great things, but how can we enhance, and highlight gratefulness? Here is an example that made me change my perspective about it.

I arrived from my trip to Mexico a week ago today exactly. It was an interesting trip to say the least, but I felt very blessed to have spent time with my mom.  We talk on the phone every day, even if it’s just for 10-15 minutes, but on Monday we talked a little longer, and before we hung up she said, “I’m grateful that you were able to come home and spend time with me, that you took me to all my appointments, and encouraged me to take better care of myself… I feel a lot better now, it meant a lot.” Then I thought, “how amazing, and sweet that her expression of gratitude was not just a simple “thank you… or I’m grateful for you”, but a deep, sincere, and honest explanation of why she felt grateful.” I wasn’t expecting, or asking for any of that, but it warmed my heart, and it also made me reflect on the meaning of gratitude.

So on that note, today I’m grateful for Bella who without being asked, she remembered my favorite drive through breakfast, and went out of her way to bring me one this morning before I left for work, and not only that, she also made a fresh pot of coffee, so when I woke up, the pot of coffee had just finished brewing and was ready for me to enjoy. Without realizing it, she put a big smile on my face.

What are you grateful for today, and why?! Dig deep, be unique! ❤️

Thursday, March 30, 2023

Having a late start to my work day today, and feeling all the feelings in a quiet home, the only sound I’m hearing is the dryer in the laundry room, but it’s a very quiet tumble, I closed the door purposely because I want silence. Yes, sometimes, I crave silence.  We have so much noise around us ALL the time, that silence becomes a gift.

Daisy is sitting right next to me, she’s been “keeping me company” all morning. If I get up, she gets up, if I sit down, she sits down, if I walk somewhere, she follows me, she has the best heart, as all furry friend companions do.

My intention this morning was to sleep in, but my body clock is well to used to my work schedule, so this morning as every other morning, I was up at the crack of dawn… ok, maybe not quite literally, but pretty close, but I still took my time to rest in bed a little while longer, I called my mother who hasn’t been well lately (please say a prayer for her), we talked briefly since she had just gotten back from the lab getting blood work for a follow up appointment with her doctor tomorrow, and she was having breakfast, and then OF COURSE, I brewed myself a fresh cup of coffee to start my day. Almost nothing gives me all the feels in the morning as a fresh cup of black coffee, no sugar, no cream, no nothing, just the taste of coffee beans, oh my goodness how much I enjoy coffee in the mornings. Sometimes I think “what would my mornings be like if I didn’t like coffee?!” Ha! Sounds silly, but it’s a serious question! 😅

Ok, moving on…

In the silence of the house, and a million thoughts going through my mind this morning -as always- I said prayers of gratitude for my girls, and as girls I mean, my two daughters, who are now 25, and almost 21. Two human beings I very much admire.

This morning I had a brief conversation with my oldest daughter Michelle before she left for work. She never ceases to amaze me, and most importantly, inspire me. She has always been an old soul, she has been wise beyond her years since a young age, and she’s one of the most determined people I know. Yes, yes, she’s driven me crazy in more than one occasion because her mind, and dreams are far beyond my own thoughts, and dreams, but I’ve learned a lot from her.

She was sharing with me this morning that in the moments of her life when she’s struggle the most due to whatever she was going through, she made it a point to exercise daily, to eat well, and most importantly to write (every single day!) things, people, etc… she was thankful for, prayers of gratitude. She still does -daily- but she said on days when the sun has not shined as bright as other days, she has multiplied those prayers of gratitude. When you say out loud, and write it with your own hands the words “I’m thankful for the food I’m eating today.  I’m thankful for so and so in my life. I’m thankful for the this, and that…” gratitude becomes palpable, and palpable feelings, and thoughts become positivity and assertiveness.

There are many, many things I admire about Michelle but some of the ones that inspire me, and encourage my own life the most are, her integrity for all that she does, and how she does it, her faith, her spirituality and the way she centers her life around it. Her relationship with those she loves, and the way she protects her inner peace. Her ambition to continue to grow, and to pursue her dreams. Her deep sense of social justice in the world, and vulnerability to injustice that sometimes breaks her. Her ability to express love, and give love, and be present for others, even when life doesn’t seem all ideal for herself.

I could go on and on, but those are the things that come to mind right now. 😊

I’m thankful for having a Michelle in my life.

We both cry easily which doesn’t help our conversations half the time because when we start talking about deep things that land in the very center of our souls we are a hot mess! 😂

Cheers to my funny, sophisticated, smart, loving, wise, faith filled, and greatest conversationalist of a human being daughter in my life! I’m loving the front row seat to her life journey, with all the tears, laughter, and lessons learned in between! ❤️

Have a lovely day everyone!

Monday, March 22, 2023

Stan and I took this selfie two years ago today. I opened my phone memories today, and when this popped up, talk about triggers. Grief can show up in the most unexpected ways.

What do “I” see looking at 2 years ago me in this picture? What did I feel then, versus now?

The woman looking back at me in this picture was brokenhearted, oh, so immensely brokenhearted. One of the humans she loved most had died barely 2 months before, and her world wasn’t the same anymore. She felt displaced in the world, her faith was shaken, her world didn’t seem the same, she felt hurt, disappointed, confused, and scared. Fear is what occupied most of the space in her mind, and in her heart. Fear that life would never be the same no matter how much effort she put into “overcoming”.

The woman looking back at me in this picture, THANKFULLY survived the pain that came from the death of her brother. This woman -two years later- has learned to smile again, and the spark in her eyes is coming back, and she doesn’t cry as much. BUT, she has also learned that crying is completely OK, that fear is allowed, that hope is one of the biggest gifts life can give us, and that faith does sustain us. That woman is me. My grief story has so many shades, and shapes, and every day I learn something new. Most importantly, to accept each day as it comes, with it’s moments of glory, achievements of any kind, struggles, and also the unexpected tears along the way. I am softer, but I am also stronger, and I have learned to appreciate life, and the blessings in the joys, and messes of life, a whole lot more!!!

In this picture, Stan and I had just gotten our second dose of Covid. A requirement in order for me to travel so I could be with my family for the funeral(s). We drove an hour away from home to be able to get our vaccine that day. In the early days of Covid, it was very hard to get an appointment for a Covid shot. I had many emotions that day, nothing felt normal, nothing WAS normal, but that day felt good in a way.

Tonight, I feel especially thankful for the progress I’ve made, and continue to make. Every day will always feel like a new beginning. ❤

Friday, March 10, 2023

It’s 9:30 am and even though my day did not exactly start the way I had planned it, I’m now enjoying a cup of coffee in the quiet of my home before heading to work, and that’s an awesome feeling. 🥰

Yesterday I took a little bit of time off from work and the time I was home I dedicated it to do nada, catch up on shows, and make dinner which I always love, cooking relaxes me. Sometimes, you need to unplug, disconnect, and reevaluate in order to recharge, and that’s exactly what I did.

Do you ever have days when you do a lot of thinking? Moments when many philosophical thoughts flood your mind?! The what if’s of life?! I’ve been in that space lately, the thinking, processing, planning, analyzing, creating strategies moments, and I have embraced them all, they always leave me with just a liiiiitle more wisdom, or so, I think.

Back to my philosophical moments (uhm, uhm!!! 🤓), I promised I’d share one of the last conversations I had with my brother JR before he died. He died suddenly, and unexpectedly two years ago, and I’m just starting to be “ok” about talking about him, and the many gifts of wisdom, and legacy of love he left behind. His absence has felt extremely raw at times, but the wounds are slowly starting to heal.

A few weeks, or months before he died, and before my dad even got sick, we were on the phone talking one evening, and he said something I didn’t quite like hearing, but also something that made me think, and put a little fear in my heart. The fear of loosing him. When he was sharing his thoughts he wasn’t trying to be pessimistic about it, not at all, he was almost stating facts, or feelings he felt heavy in his heart.

My brother had been working on a few big writing projects before he died and he was very excited about them. My brother was the smartest person I’ve ever met, he was gifted beyond measure in many areas, from the moment he was born. I have many stories about his childhood years, and my experience of being his sister, a sister of someone that had been born with many unique abilities, and gifts. The night of our conversation he said to me (and I can still hear his voice as I share this), “sister you know what? Sometimes I feel like I’m going to die at the age of 46. Most of the people I’ve admired in my life (he was referring to poets, musicians, artists), died at the age of 46… I don’t know, I’ve been thinking of that, but I hope it’s not the case, I still have a lot of things I want to accomplish…”

My brother was 46 years old when he died.

A prophecy? I guess you can call it that.

My brother died from complications of Covid when the pandemic was in full form.

Do you know how many times I’ve thought about that conversation? MANY, many times! Sometimes I wish I would have asked more questions, but all I wanted to do was dismiss what he had just shared with me. I didn’t like one word of what he had said, and I didn’t want to give it any more space.

46 years. So many stories. And intriguing to think that perhaps his heart somehow knew what would come next. He might be gone from the physical world, but he will always be one of my greatest sources of inspiration.

Some of those gifted people he highly admired that died at 46 are: Bach, Johann Heinechen, Ernst Theodor Amadeus Hoffman, and Schumann among others. I hope now my brother is now rejoicing, and enjoying their company, maybe playing his own concerto, composing music, and writing accompanied by some of the greatest, and the people he admired.

Friday, March 3, 2023

We are 61 days into 2023 and this is my second journal page (insert lots of lol’s here). 😅

The thing is, my soul feels a lot of things every passing second of the day, but I have to be in the moment to write them down, and most importantly, share them. I still write often, I just don’t publish it. Some things must be kept in the heart only.

Welcoming with open arms the 3rd day of the 3rd month of the year! We are expecting lots of snow in Chicago today, some say up to 10 inches, some say as little as 4 inches… I guess in the Windy City snow measured by inches is always debatable, for now, we wait, but snow never scares me. Streets will be plowed, driveways will be shoveled, and if things have to be canceled because of it, we just roll with it, and relax at home, but doubt that’ll be the case… right now, streets are as dry as a Summer day!

This week has been a weird week for me. I have struggled with some anxiety (induced by situations out of my control), and I have tried my very best each day, and each time, to breath, to pray, to calm my mind, and to practice the art of letting go. Letting go in your 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s looks a lot different, than what it means to let go in your 50’s and beyond… at least for me. The older I get the more I appreciate, and value inner peace. How far and how long am I willing to let people and situations control the way I feel, and most importantly, take my peace, and influence my spirit of joy? That’s a question I ask myself every time a situation makes me uncomfortable, sad, disappointed, or makes me feel “not me”.

This morning as I opened the kitchen counter to grab a cup for my morning coffee, the cup in today’s picture popped up, and it immediately calmed my mind, my heart, and my whole being. Three simple words written on a coffee mug “Be Still & Know!”. Psalm 46:10 always brings me peace, peace I often search for, and centers me.

Be Still & Know.

Yesterday I worked on the art of letting go all day long, quite literally. I breathed in peace, and breathed out love, and I did it for me, for my own peace of mind, and for the one thing I protect the most… JOY. 

It worked and I went to bed feeling a little more liberated, exhausted YES, because being on “guard” is not easy, but I found myself last night before going to bed, saying prayers of gratitude for the good, and not so good experiences, because they all taught me something.

We all have power within ourselves to let situations affect us in different ways. How we choose to be transformed by them, it’s up to us, and with that, this nursery rhyme song comes to mind, “This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine, let it shine, all the time, let it shine…” ❤️

Let YOUR light shine too, every day, all the time, despite the obstacles that are placed on your path. It’s not always easy, and some moments are particularly harder than others for many reasons, but if we are intentional on focusing on the good, and positive that surrounds us, life becomes a little sweeter, and most situations, have a solution.

Have a lovely Friday, and weekend ahead!!! Make someone smile today! 😊✌🏻

PS: counting down the days until the weather is warmer, and I can sit on that front porch bench coffee in hand, surrounded by all the pretty plants that are being kept dormant in the garage and inside the house right now until Spring/Summer. My moments there drinking coffee, reflecting, and practicing solitude are some of my favorite feelings in the whole wide world… well, almost! 😉

Friday, February 24, 2023

It’s been a while since I’ve shared anything here, or journaled anything for myself. I haven’t had it “in me”, but I’m planning on getting back to it because it brings me joy, and it’s always healing for my soul.

Something interesting happened to me last night. After getting home from work around dinner time, I decided I was going to have dinner, and go to bed early. Well, I did have supper, but then I couldn’t make myself go to bed early. I tried, and tried, but nothing. Finally at around 11:30 pm I put a movie on, and thankfully it was an interesting movie (BIG EYES), and I watched till the end, but by then it was past 1 am - my head was still not rested, and then I decided to open my phone memories before going to bed. A memory from seven years ago popped up about my brother JR. Seven years ago, the happy day he was released from the hospital after his long hospitalization, days when we didn’t know if he’d live or die… quite literally. He lived, he went home, we rejoiced. But somehow, that memory I was looking at at 1 am from seven years ago, made me angry. Angry that after so much ordeal, so much pain, so much anguish, so much fighting for himself, so much uphill battles for him, and us with him, and SO much working on himself to better himself in every possible way to come out of that hole stronger… he still died five years later, and it just didn’t (doesn’t) seem fair. I guess although I know I’m healing, I still carry some anger about his death, because I see it as an unfair event.

Although sadness comes in waves, I’ve done a lot healing work for myself about my brother’s death lately, and I am determined to continue to remember ALL the good he left behind, all the love he gave us, all the knowledge (which was a lot) he shared with me, with us, with those he knew and loved, and simply for sharing his life with us. I will continue to carry his legacy by talking about him, by always putting him in the light, and sharing with every person that will listen about just how simply amazing, and gifted he was, and how much he meant. Perhaps he didn’t live as much as he would’ve wanted (he talked about death to me from time to time, I’ll share that later), and definitely he didn’t live as long, as much, or enough as I and those who loved him would’ve wanted him to live… BUT, as we know, we have no control over almost anything in life, and I am grateful, very grateful, that in the years he was with us in his earthly journey, he was part of our lives. So I liberate him, and I liberate myself from the pain as I continue to heal, and move forward.

Grief is complicated, oh so complicated, and the more you love, the harder it is to heal, but I’m getting there. Embracing all the broken pieces, and mending what I can, but being away of how much all of that means.

I think because of the pain I carried with me to bed last night, or this morning I guess, I had an awful dream.  In that dream our family was going through something awful, and I found myself on the ground at some point (in the dream), crying and screaming up to the sky, “please help us, I just can’t suffer like this anymore.” I don’t remember much of that dream after that, but I had a sense of things being OK.

I had a good night sleep after that, and woke up rested, thankfully. I guess perhaps, sometimes we need to let the tears flow, and allow our souls to scream, and feel all the feelings in order to heal, and to have a fresh start… all over again.

This has been a busy 2023 so far, and a good one too. Everyday I give thanks for every moment of joy, for people that make my heart leap from happiness, and laughter, for genuine conversations, and most importantly for every bit of family time we enjoy. Gratitude is the best healing!

Have a joy filled day, make it count! ✌🏻