Monday, September 5, 2022

I’m sitting alone on the deck, the wind feels like a perfect fall day, it’s 66 degrees and cloudy. I’m wearing a super cozy light sweater, and drinking my coffee, and honestly, I think this is my favorite kind of weather. This weather is very calming for me.

I had a good night sleep despite the anxiety of going to bed with Stan in the hospital, and not knowing what kind of night he’d have, but I so needed time to decompress, relax a little, and simply be.

This time I didn’t care too much about the dishes in the sink, my to do list, or anything else other than focusing on my healing. A friend said to me this morning, “I wonder if stress had anything to do with the infection getting this bad.” And maybe yes, because stress takes a huge toll on our immune system, and if we don’t have a strong immune system, everything else suffers.

The last year and a half have been altering for me to say the least, and I’ve been trying really hard to be everything that I’ve always been “before” life changed, in hope that maybe, just maybe, life will move on as normal, but the real question here is, what is normal? Who is setting these standards for us? Nobody, we are, I am.

These recents health struggles for both me, and Stan have been huge eye opening, and although I am not thrilled one bit about what we have and are going through, it’s been quite a learning experience, and an opportunity for change. The change that helps you smile a little more carefree, and frees your soul in a recharging kind of way.

I woke up FILLED with enthusiasm, and a strong desire to improve my lifestyle while embracing all that has been, and that is at the present moment. Healing is a journey… and I’m willing to continue to do the work.

I made myself a delicious veggie omelette, with fresh tomato slices sprinkled with coarse salt, garlic powder, and cayenne pepper, yum, and of course, a cup of freshly brewed coffee that I’m finishing up right now before heading out to the hospital to see Stan.

He is back in sinus rhythm as of last night praise the Lord, and hopefully he will get to come home later today. His cardiologist wanted to keep him a little longer for observation, and to talk about the “next step”, since these episodes have been happening quite often lately.

As for me, I’m helping slowly, VERY slowly, but there is healing happening. I have another doctor’s appointment tomorrow to see if antibiotics need to be changed. I am grateful for the progress.

It’s so beautiful outside, the wind, the weather, the birds chirping, that I don’t even want to leave the deck quite yet, maybe I’ll stay here a little longer for self care.

I hope you are enjoying this Labor Day weekend, doing something fun, indulging in delicious and holiday food, and maybe even spending time with friends and family. I give thanks for the blessing that is my job, for having a job that I truly love, and inspires me daily, and I pray for those currently looking for work, that their search will result in employment soon.

Sending love for a joy filled day! ❤️

Sunday, September 4, 2022

We plan… God laughs. Ain’t that the truth!

Our Labor Day weekend has not gone as planned at all, and the last four days have felt like a month long.

I ended up in the ER between the late hours of August 31st, and the early hours of September 1st, experiencing excruciating pain in the abdominal area, fever, vomiting, and many other symptoms. I thought it could be the appendix, but it turned out to be a nasty infection in the lymph nodes that required a small surgical procedure in the ER, and plenty of antibiotics to treat it, which I’m still taking for another week. A doctor’s appointment on Friday, and another one coming up… this situation scared me a lot, but I’m thankful to be making a little bit of progress each day.

In the very early hours of today Stan woke me up saying he wasn’t feeling well -heart issues- and so we immediately prepared to go to the hospital. They always ask if he needs a wheel chair to walk from the area where they take vitals, to the section where they have the rooms in the ER, and he always declines, saying, “I’m good!” This time, he accepted the offer and said he also felt dizzy on top of everything else. They said Stan’s Afib was more severe this time, but thankfully the IV medicine started working right away. He was admitted to the hospital immediately, and his Cardiologist is keeping him overnight.

After a long day, I am home with my feet up, I took a little nap that felt like glory, and I’m about to start one of my top favorite movies of all time, “The Bridges of Madison County.”

The other day someone asked me how I managed to always have a smile on my face despite of all that we go and have gone through, I said, “faith…” and so much more. Believe me I have my moments, but dancing in the rain is a much better option than simply standing under the rain.

We had made simple plans for the weekend, but this year, we will have to recreate them at a later time. No biggie, just thankful we are OK!

And if you can, spare a prayer or two for us. 🥰

Happy Labor Day! ❤️

Saturday, August 6, 2022

It’s almost 9:30 am and I’m still trying to wake up, I actually opened my eyes for the first time at 8:45 am, that has not happened in a LONG time, and by long time, I mean at least a couple of years!!!

Life has been beyond extraordinary for us the past two years, in so many ways… and today, on a day that feels quite ordinary (although we have a busy day), ordinary because there are no major family/personal stresses, worries, things that need immediate attention, or that occupy our minds with worry (thank you God!!!), I want to bless this day, this ordinary day.  Bless the simplicity of making myself a cup of coffee, going to the office to work on a few projects that bring me joy, seeing Stan enjoy a day off from caring for himself, tending to his body, keeping doctors appointments, and taking medicine.  Watching the girls switch rooms, organize their stuff, and doing it with love, team work, and joy.

Ordinary days… how I love them. I’ve always loved them, but post pandemic, they’ve taken on new meaning.

Dear Lord,

fill my heart with love,

with patience,

and plenty of opportunities

to see YOU in every single

moment of today.

May my interactions with others,

also radiate love, patience,

and awareness of today’s blessings.

PS: please keep this day ordinary! 😉

Amen!

Sunday, July 17, 2022

A beautiful, wonderful weekend, making the best of life.

When you experience grief that scratches the core of your bones, grief never leaves you, instead, it evolves, and as strange as it might sound, you can almost all at the same time experience happiness, hurt, and healing.

I had a couple of tough days this past week, but thankfully I was able to recover from those moments quickly.  Grief is complicated.

Yesterday, was a great day!!! Almost a perfect day for me, actually it was pretty perfect in my book.  I woke up with enough energy to share with the neighborhood, luckily I didn’t 😉, instead I put all the good, and positive energy to use.  I decided to organize and deep clean the kitchen, and mud room, which is a good size too, and with plenty of storage.  The more storage ANY room has, the more “stuff” get placed in drawers, and cabinets.

My favorite way to organize is by completely emptying closets, drawers, cabinets, deep cleaning such places, throwing away what’s not needed anymore, and sorting and putting back things that are used on a regular basis. My motto for organizational strategies in the house, “if you haven’t used it in a few months, it’s gone!”  Goodbye, adios!

I scrubbed floors, walls, cabinets, and by the time I turned around, both landfill and recycle trash cans in the garage were filled to the top, and more. Ahhhh, what a feeling! 🥰

Even Daisy’s corner in the mudroom got a makeover.

Somehow, I was also able to do a little baking, and some cooking,  I had two very large bananas that were quite ripe, and if I didn’t make banana bread with them, they would’ve been garbage by today.  The banana bread turned out SO delicious, and gluten free which was an extra bonus.

I had an old recipe at home, but decided to substitute most of the ingredients hoping it’d turned out ok, but in fact, it turned out more than ok, it was delicious! Here is the recipe! 🥰🍌

GLUTEN FREE BANANA BREAD

• 1 ¾ cups Oat Flour

• ½ Cup Unsalted Butter

• 1 Cup Organic Coconut Palm Sugar

• 2 Large Eggs at room temperature

• 1 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract

• 1 Teaspoon Baking Soda

• ½ Teaspoon Salt

• 5oz Greek Yogurt, Plain or Vanilla

• 2 Large Very Ripe Bananas

Preheat over to 350 and grease pan.

Melt butter (make sure it’s not hot when you combine ingredients). Pour melted butter in a large bowl and them add sugar (sift sugar if possible, my mom taught me that ☺️), use blender to mix together. Add baking soda, and salt.  Add eggs, vanilla and blend some more. Add sifted oat flour last.

In a separate bowl mash bananas, and add yogurt. Once the bananas and yogurt are combined, FOLD mix into flour/sugar/eggs/butter/baking soda/salt/vanilla mix. Do not use blender to combine all ingredients.

Once combined, pour over greased pan, and bake for 55 minutes.  Drizzled with confectioners sugar after no longer hot. If you want to add extra flavor, put a little slice of unsalted butter when serving. So good!!! 😍

And speaking of FOLDING in the cheese… one of my favorite episodes of Schitt$ Creek! Too funny not to share! 😁

Moira: Next step is to fold in the cheese.

David: What does that mean? What does "fold in the cheese" mean?

Moira: You fold it in.

David: I understand that, but how? How do you fold it? Do you fold it in half, like a piece of paper, and drop it in the pot, or, what do you do?

Moira: David, I cannot show you everything.

David: Okay, well, can you show me one thing?!

Moira: You just... Here's what you do: You just fold it in.

David: Okay, I don't know how to fold broken cheese like that!

Moira: Then I don't know how to be any clearer! You take that thing that's in your hand, and you-

David: If you say "fold in" one more time-

Moira: It says, fold it in!

Ok, moving on… Saturday was packed with cleaning, organizing, cooking, baking, and loving my time at home, cooking all the things Stan, and the girls love to eat.  I woke up feeling a little achy from my 12 hour Suzy homemaker episode. 😁 A great feeling all around.

Oh, oh, on another positive note, my minivan car broke down (well, that’s not the positive part), a few days ago, and after having to install a new part 🙄, and two failed emission tests, it finally PASSED the test yesterday, and I’m still rejoicing thinking about Stan’s expression when he got home with the good news.  It’s the little things, usually the little things that make my heart skip a happy beat.

Today was another awesome day at work, surrounded by faithful, hardworking, and funny people who inspire me every time.  As Mark Twain once said, “find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” Grateful. ❤️

I came home from work to enjoy a super simple meal, a slice of banana cake, and a cup of my new favorite drink, invented by me! I think? Ha!

Oat milk, coconut palm sugar, instant coffee, and cinnamon. Warm up milk, and sugar, mix (it will become frothy), add desired amount of instant coffee, and add a pinch of cinnamon at the end for extra flavor. DELICIOSO!!!

I’m sitting in the quiet of the living room, coffee in hand, sharing with you, and all feels right in the world for right now.

I hope you experienced moments of joy this weekend, and if your days were hard, I hope you feel me wrapping you in love. ✨

Friday, July 15, 2022

It’s been a while since I shared anything here, but I’m sitting at the cancer center waiting for my husband’s treatment and I thought, perfect timing for a little journaling.

I took a couple of days off today from work this week and although they were not as relaxing as I had hoped them to be, I was still able to rest a little which I really needed.

I had a massive migraine on Wednesday that required more than the recommended prescription dosage of my migraine medicine. Stress, and barometric pressure are my worst enemies when it comes to migraines, and lucky for me (not!) I had both, so an explosion in my head it was.  Doing better today thankfully, but still dealing with some pain, migraines are beasts!!! 🥴

I talked to a dear friend of mine on the phone today over an hour, sitting on the porch, cup of coffee in hand, and the conversation and alone time on the phone with my dear friend was music to my ears. She’s not much of a texter, which I kind of love, because it encourages to talk on the phone more.  We laughed, we cried, we told each other more truths about our lives, and feelings that anyone would be wanting to hear. 😁

Today is radiation treatment #17 for Stan! He’s handled it pretty well for the most part, but he’s not starting to deal with more of the symptoms they warn him about.  GI issues have been really bad, some fatigue, and he’s starting to get some burning sensations, to which he’s starting to apply a special lotion to protect him from burn damage.  He’s lots quite a bit of weight, but the doctors reassure him it’s all normal, and part of the treatment.  No walk in the park for sure! It’s mentally draining too, you constantly think about it, especially Stan of course, but I deeply admire his resilience, determination, and humor in the midst of hardship.

A delicious chicken, and veggie dish that I’ve been cooking in the crockpot all day is waiting for us at home after treatment.  I put all the things Stan can eat, that hopefully his stomach can tolerate. The house smelled delicious as we were walking out of the house, I hope it’s as good as it smells! 😋

Although it was good to be off for a couple of days from work, I’m looking forward to going back this weekend. I have a lot of exciting projects to work on, and planning, and organization energizes me, plus these days, it keeps my mind occupied, and focused.

Bella is getting ready to leave for College next month, and I couldn’t be more excited for her!!! A brand new chapter for my sunshine girl.

Michelle is supposed to be having surgery in the next few weeks, and we keep waiting and waiting for surgery to be scheduled so she can move on with her own plans.

I love my daily conversations with my mom, which are always based on the same subjects 😂, food, tv shows, Alexa updates (she loves that device), and ALL the people, and things she is praying for.

My brother Will continues to be the rock of the family, he’s pretty amazing to my mom, she’s lucky to have him, they are blessed to have each other.  He’s also so patient with my mom, so, so patient, it’s pretty incredible to witness. I don’t know how he does it all, I don’t how he’s done it all in the past year and a half. He’s a pretty cool guy!

Other than that, life is pretty normal, work, meals, evening walks once in a while, eating out occasionally, and in the center of it all, our sweet Daisy girl splashing joy and love as she goes through life. She’s the cutest thing in the planet, well at least, and for sure, at our house! 🥰🐶

Be kind, spread joy, help someone if you can! Cheers! ❤️

Saturday, June 11, 2022

I’m sitting at the kitchen sipping my morning coffee by myself. I prefer my first cup of coffee of the day, alone. 🤓

I tried my daughter’s French press today for the first time and I really loved it! Somehow, coffee tastes different that way.

It’s 70 degrees right now, and I’ll be sitting on the deck for the majority of this morning just enjoying the fresh air.

But I thought I’d share something about me most people don’t know. 😁

When I was approximately 20 years old (I can’t remember exactly how old I was), a very well known airline in Mexico was hiring flight attendants, and they were hosting a huge recruitment convention in my hometown.  The idea sounded SO sophisticated! Back then, flying was a luxurious experience, those were the times of dressing up to fly, three course meals on the plane, and overall a unique experience.  I thought, how cool would it be to be part of that, from the flight attendant perspective.  Flying, meeting people, and exploring new places.

I applied, and I didn’t even tell my parents right away until I knew if I had made it into the second phase of the hiring process.

The application process was very involved, and hundreds of women applied to be hired that one time. I didn’t even know if it’d be possible. Now thinking back, I think it was a crazy process.  Height was very important, as well as many other factors.  I went through the interview process, and to my surprise a few weeks later I received a call (I was ecstatic!!!) that I had been selected to the “final” phase which was to move to a city almost 500 miles away from my hometown for a couple of months to train and start my job as a flight attendant.  It sounded SO glamorous!!! I was over the moon at the fact that I had been selected!

I still remember the day my parents, and brother (I think my brother JR was in the monastery already) dropped me off at the airport to start this adventure.  I didn’t know a single person, it was a real adventure.  I remember arriving at this city by the ocean, and going to a super nice and gated apartment complex where the girls that would be starting the training process would be living for a few weeks.  It was fun… until it wasn’t, at least for me.

Being away from my family (back then) turned out to be a little more challenging than expected, but what really broke the deal for me was when we started the evacuation training for emergency situations, complete yikes!!! Right there I knew being a flight attendant was NOT for me, and I gracefully declined the invitation to continue the training and become a flight attendant, to this day, I have zero regrets as you can imagine. 🤓

Who would’ve thought this girl who absolutely LOVED to fly, and loved everything about planes to the point of wanting to become a flight attendant, would be so anxiety filled every time she even attempted to “book” a flight ticket.  Things change with time and age I guess.

Regardless of what the outcome was, my flight attendant wanna be story will always be one of my favorite stories about my life because that experience made me feel like I could accomplish anything I could put my mind on.

Cheers to dreaming and feeling like the world belongs to you at the young age of 20 something… ❤️✈️

Friday, June 10, 2022

Sitting in the waiting area of the cancer treatment where Stan will start radiation treatments in approximately one week.  It’s a strange feeling sitting here to be honest, it feels surreal.

Although some family members and friends know about Stan’s diagnosis, we haven’t really shared too much with everyone.  Somehow, this new cancer journey has felt very private and personal.  At the same time, the support of those who have known about it has meant the world to us.  They say it takes a village, and it sure does, we (Stan especially) needs all the prayers and support as he continues on this journey back to health.

A few months ago Stan was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer, and since that day, our focus has been on choosing the right treatment plan for him.  It has not been an easy road at all. He’s seen many specialists, sought different opinions from medical teams, and after many consultations, talking to people that have had experience with advanced prostate cancer, and reading all the papers we could put our hands on about this specific type of cancer, we (along with his doctors) decided on surgery, radical prostatectomy was the best option.  That decision was not easy in any shape, sense or form, a radical prostatectomy comes with many side effects, and long term lifestyle changes, but when medical professionals tell you that is the best shot you have at removing all cancer cells, and living a good, healthy and longer life, it’s a no brainer, and you go for it.  Unfortunately, surgeons couldn’t proceed with surgery after encountering serious complications, and Stan had to be wheeled out of the operating room after being prepped, under anesthesia, and with the first few incisions made.  It wasn’t meant to be.

After recovering from the surgery that couldn’t even happen, it was like starting from the ground up all over again.  We were so certain surgery would take care of mostly everything, that we hadn’t even given a second thought about other possibilities for treatment.

Radical prostatectomy, now what?

What he had left was radiation treatments, and since he has to have quite a few treatments, it was recommended that he had an implant of hydrogel put in to separate the prostate from the rectum to avoid serious damage to the rectum during radiation treatments.  It’s hard to even type some of these words, but it’s all part of the anatomy. I always appreciate it when people are completely honest, and completely vulnerable with us because they help us carry our burdens just a little easier.

Stan had a surgical procedure for the implant a week ago Friday, and even though they had said, “most people have no bad reactions to it”, Stan did, and bad ones too. I won’t go into it in detail because that’s not a story for me to share, but long story short, he ended up being unable to resume regular activities for a week, and had to be put on antibiotics, anti inflammatories, and prescription pain killers to help him recover, and he still hasn’t recovered 100%.  He was in such bad shape that they didn’t know they’d be able to proceed with his scheduled appointment for today for a simulation of radiation.

THANKFULLY, after a conversation between the oncologist, and the urologist, they decided that he was good enough to proceed with the simulation appointment today, and continue with the treatment plan.

This afternoon, they are doing a simulation for radiation, markings, a few more tests, signing consents (many), and setting up all the appointments for radiation treatments for the next month and a half.

Stan will have radiation treatments every day Monday through Friday for two months, and he has to do some prepping prior to each treatment.  A walk in the park? Not even close, but we are grateful to know that we have arrived to this day, after having so many obstacles along the way.

So my (our) village of people… please keep Stan in your prayers during his cancer treatments, and ALL of us, it hasn’t been easy!!!

Many times in the past year and a half, I’ve felt like the ocean keeps crashing down on us, but then, just when I’m feeling like enough has to be enough, I feel God’s graces through the kindness and support of those who love us, and sometimes, even the kindness of complete strangers that are lifting us in prayer knowing veery little, or nothing about our lives.

So with that, I’ll just ask you for a favor today.  When you meet people at the store, restaurants, place of worship, doctors offices, park, etc… , whether is someone you know or a complete stranger, please share a smile with them, your smile could mean the world to them that day.  Kindness in the form of smiles, is like going for the colorful sprinkles in your cupcake you were going to eat it just frosting.

Reach higher, always go for the sprinkles if you want to make a difference in someone’s life.

Thank you for being you. ❤️

“The things we take for granted, someone else is praying for.” Anonymous

Friday, May 20, 2022

For the first time in a long, long time, I’m sitting on my deck, me, myself, and my cup of coffee, and it feels great.  I’ve had a very busy, hectic few months, and I’m determined to find moments of quiet, and solitude in my daily life, and simply savor LIFE.

Turning 50 this year has definitely made me ponder about what really matters, nurturing relationships, and the importance of focusing on seeing the big picture of life. Traveling can help you center back to all those things also, and I’ve done both lately.  Turn 50, and travel.

There has been a lot going on in our family this year. Good things, and some challenging situations as well, but that’s life, isn’t it?

Stan, the girls and I traveled to Mexico a few weeks ago to visit my mom, my brother, family, and friends, AND to attend my cousins wedding which was just phenomenal!!!  I really hope the feeling of the moments we lived those few days getting ready for the wedding, attending the wedding, and celebrating their love, stay with us us forever.  It was an awesome feeling being able to celebrate life after so much grief last year, to be with family at the same time, and in the best of settings.  How can you go wrong when you have great weather, amazing food, awesome music, and love??? 🥰

There is so much I want to share about the week Stan and the girls were in Mexico with me visiting my family, but I’ll leave it for another day, maybe I’ll find another quiet moment on the deck one of these days to do just that. 😉

I wish you could feel the breeze running through my skin right now. It’s 70 degrees, and partly cloudy. The trees, and outdoor plants seem quite happy, and the grass looks greener than I’ve ever seen it before. It must be the rain we’ve had lately.

We have a busy weekend, and week ahead, and I’m looking forward to taking in all those moments.

May we are encounter only people of goodwill on our paths today, we’ve every day.  Peacemakers, and kind people, and may we also be those people to those we meet.

Wishing you a KIND day! ❤️

Thursday, March 10, 2022

Taking a little extra time this morning to sip my coffee, and take in the silence, and peace of the morning.  My favorite time of the day is definitely my alone time at the start of the day, me, my freshly brewed cup of coffee, and my thoughts, which I have plenty of lately. 😁

Once I’ve indulged in the flavors of my coffee, and convinced myself that I can deal with anything that comes my way in the day, I am ready for almost anything. 

Yesterday was an emotional day for me for some reason.  Well, I kind of know the reason, part of it at least. 

I never realized the significance of milestones, and anniversaries after a loved one dies until last year.  Yesterday was my mom’s birthday, and a very happy day of celebration, but the absence of our loved ones can be felt especially on those special days.

I feel extremely blessed to have had the opportunity to experience love, and connection with human beings at such level that missing them can be felt in every corner of my core.  I don’t take that gift for granted. We were the lucky ones to have experienced such love, and connection.

On other news… my migraine has been out of control lately, I’m going on day 6 today, but I did get a break yesterday, thank goodness, but I’m blaming it to the weather!!! It’s cloudy (with a chance of meatballs - sorry couldn’t help it! 🤪), all day today, then we are supposed to get some snow this evening, and cloudy again tomorrow. “Perfect” weather for migraine disaster for me, but sunnier and clear days are coming, and I gotta stay focused on that, but the pain does suck! So there!

Speaking of pains, a year ago or so I fell badly and injured my right thumb, didn’t break it, but messed it up for sure.  I’ve heard that it’s easier for a broken bone to heal, than ligaments, joints, etc… any who, after many failed attempts at trying to fix it, or get it go feel better, I’m seeing another specialist today to see if there is any hope for my thumb which pretty much locks in place now, and feels swollen half the time. Wish me luck!!! 🥰

 Other than that, I keep enjoying the things I love to do, feeling grateful for the people in my life that show up for me in many ways, and appreciating every day as it comes, with the ups and downs, the joys, the uphills, and everything in between.  Life is a gift well worth living, and I feel grateful for the opportunity to experience it every day. 

We have so much to pray for, so much to give thanks for, we are living in a time where pain is a constant reality. May we always, always, always… be aware of the impact that kindness in our words, in our thoughts, and in our actions make in the lives of others.

Have a lovely day! ❤️😘

Sunday, March 6, 2022

It’s almost 8 pm and I’m finally sitting down for the first time today since I woke up this morning.  It’s been a very busy day, but a great day! ❤️

Yesterday, Stan and I road tripped to Peoria to see Gabriel Iglesias “Fluffy”, one of Stan’s favorite comedian, it was my Christmas gift to him, and we had as much fun as I imagined when I ordered the tickets.  We left early afternoon and stopped at a restaurant called “The Blue Duck Barbecue Tavern” by the riverfront. The restaurant is famous for their brisket and everything barbecue and they did not disappoint! I had a brisket sandwich, and Stan had Asian style brisket tacos, both delicious, ah, and we shared super yummy fried pickles with a garlic aioli, so good! 

The show was great, but mainly, it felt so good being out at an event meeting other people, and laughing pretty much nonstop for two hours.  Both Stan and I needed a night out to relax, and forget about the craziness we’ve had lately. It was an awesome day!

I’ve been dealing with a nasty migraine since yesterday, but I’ve managed to keep it under control a little, yesterday better than today, but I’m getting there.  Despite my migraine today, I was able to get a LOT done at home and it felt so great!!! I love getting things accomplished, and I definitely love, love, love a clean, and organized house, and home cooked meals.

Lots of laundry was done, all bed sheets changed in the house, bathrooms, and house in general deep cleaned, and refrigerator emptied, washed, sanitized, and restocked!  I did meal prep for the week, and cooked all kinds of yummy foods, including a delicious beef stew, taco meat for taco bowls, roasted veggies, baked salmon,  a lentil soup, steamed brown rice, fresh pico de Gallo salsa, pickled onions, and sliced and diced veggies for snacking. I absolutely LOVE meal prep, it makes me feel a little more in control of the work week ahead.  

Michelle is on her way home from NYC after a six week stay, and I can’t wait to hear more about this trip which was filled with opportunities, and great experiences.

This almost 14 hour day already has me quite exhausted, but I’m smiling from ear to ear about all the projects I was able to accomplish. 

May the week ahead be filled with joy, kindness, and lots of love. Thankful for this weekend. ☀️

Thursday, March 3, 2022

It’s Thursday morning, I’m sitting in the solitude of my kitchen with a hot cup of black coffee, and a bowl of plain yogurt, with walnuts, raw honey and bananas, I feel very happy and content right now, it’s always the simple pleasures for me. 

Yesterday, Ash Wednesday started our Lenten journey, a journey of renewal.  40 days of truly embracing our faith, our beliefs, and those rich rituals that frost our experiences during this time, and also a time for serious reflection and transformation. 

Ash Wednesday has meant so much more to me since my brother died.  Ash Wednesday used to be a Catholic tradition and annual ritual for me, the “mandatory” first day of Lent, although it’s not really an obligation.  A day to go to church, get ashes, and feel a little holier than other days.

I grew up hearing the words “remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” That phrase has evolved in some cases to “repent, and believe in the Gospel”.  Both great choices, but each phrase touches my heart a little different. 

The first phrase, and the one I’m most familiar with throughout the years, resonates with me more these days, and if we really analyze it and reflect on it, it’s SO powerful!!! Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return. Ah… sit on it for a minute. 

Those words are a strong reminder of the forever imprinted image of my dad’s and brother’s urns placed in the niche of my childhood church last year.  I can still feel the “letting go” of the urns sensation in my fingertips after placing the urns with their cremated remains in the small niche.  Lives filled with memories, experiences, KNOWLEDGE, wisdom, love, hurts, pains, life… turned into dust.  Only the soul remains.

The image of looking at their urns, that experience used to cause me a great deal of anguish before.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s still very painful at times, but somehow that pain has slowly transformed into a deeper understanding of my own life’s purpose, and the caring of my soul, the essential part of my being that will go on to live forever.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting about the Lenten season this year.  Last year Lent was a complete blur for me, I went with the motions of the season, but I really didn’t experience it like I had other years, after all, I was living my own Lent, my own Holy Week, and it didn’t seem to have an end. This year, Lent feels transformative, I hope it is, I pray it is.  I pray that Lent will touch our hearts with peace, patience, wisdom, understanding, and most importantly, renewal. 

How great is to have a season that gives us an opportunity to be perfectly ok being completely imperfect.  Accepting our limits, and our challenges, while exploring our humanity, and spirituality. 

May this Lenten season gives us an opportunity to be a little kinder, more accepting and understanding of others, patient, and an opportunity to become, and be renewed. 

Happy Lent. 💜

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

How time flies! It’s been almost a month since I’ve shared anything here, but it’s been that kind of a life lately.

I thought I’d stop by to give just a few updates, and to share a super sweet, and tender heart moment yesterday at work.

First, my husband Stan has dealing with some serious health issues lately, and will be having surgery next month. It sounds like surgery is a million years away if we put into consideration the stress surrounding this surgery, and all the emotions that go along with it, but we are thankful that he was able to get a date soon enough, considering all the super strict protocols, and surgery scheduling back up due to the pandemic. SO… in the midst of chaos, stress, and uncertainty, we are thankful for the opportunity to have access to a good health care system, and resources to take care of his needs. Please pray for him, pray for us. For healing, for peace, for understanding.

My eldest is quite a few miles away from us right now working at a theater, with a fun role at a play. Fulfilling her dreams, and having a load of fun!!!

But, here is what inspired me to stop by this little corner of my world today. To share a sweet, and humble moment (really) with a lady I’ve known for a few years at the church where I work. She and her family have been going through a tsunami of scary, unexpected, and life shaking health issues, and family situations this year. Yesterday, in the midst of the many million things I’m sure she has to do every day to help her family, and take care of herself, she stopped by the office to drop off food donations for the needy. AMAZING act of love right there. As she dropped those items off, we chatted for a bit, she shared some of the things her family has been going through, and updated me on the progress they are all making. Thankfully, things seem to be on the brighter side, amen to that!!! I was so thrilled for her and her family! ❤️

As we talked, she stopped me to ask, “how is your husband? How are your daughters? How are YOU???” It took everything in me to not shed a tear, or two, or three… I prayed I’d keep it under control, I didn’t want to divert the conversation, and attention to me, it wasn’t about me, I wanted it to be all about her in that moment. But in her kindness, and generosity of heart, just as she poured her heart out about what she is going through, she allowed me to do the same. It was a great moment, filled with love, and faith.

Her words as she stepped out of the office stayed with me throughout the day (even now). She said, “please know that I am praying for your husband, and your daughter, and you BY NAME.” And she made an emphasis in those last two words. How can a person so consumed by her own struggles, and grief have time to spread so much tenderness and acts of mercy? Her gesture humbled me, and helped me get through my day. She has also been constant in my thoughts, and in my prayers.

We are all children of God, made with love, for love. We all carry some level of grief with us. The way we speak, and act towards others carry weight.

May we walk with humble hearts through the world, always aware that behind every smile, every set of eyes, and feet carries a story, a story that in most cases we know nothing about.

May we be kind, may we be kind, may we be kind… always. I love the unofficial prayer ministry that forms almost immediately when we encounter someone that understands our joys and pains. It’s a sacred exchange of human existence.

Wishing you a lovely day. ❤️

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Hola! ❤️

It’s 7 pm, and we are somewhere in Nebraska.  I’m on the train with Michelle and Bella on our way to Salt Lake City, Utah, to visit the University of Utah. 

We decided to take the train for many reasons:

1. Well, if you know me, you know I absolutely LOVE taking the train every opportunity I get. Train rides soothe me, they are retreats on wheels in my perspective.

2. Bella really wanted to take the train, which is unusual because she’s a “I’d rather fly” kind of gal.

3. I really needed a break from always doing, and needed to just sit and be for a little.

As a friend said to me recently, “the train is the destination…” and I couldn’t agree more! 

We’ve been mainly reading since we got on the train, and all three of us took a nap at some point.  We just got back from dinner, I was SO happy to see that traditional dining is open again.  When I traveled to Arizona last year on my way to Mexico to see my family, the dining room was not open yet, and meals were pretty much microwave meals and you had to eat in your room, or dining area with no service.  This feels sooo good, to be back on my retreat on wheals, AND eating the meals made by the Amtrak chef, served to each table. 

I had lobster and crab cakes for appetizer, and steak, streamed veggies, and baked potato for dinner, and flourless chocolate cake for dessert, yum!!!

Michelle and Bella had the same identical thing, those two are joined at the hip!  Salad, salmon, steamed veggies, rice, and carrot cake for dessert. As you see, quite the different taste we have. 😁😋

I think I’m going for the salmon tomorrow, their food looked really good.

I just had a glass of wine, and now I’m going to read a little before they turn my bed for the night.  So looking forward to a good night sleep, and waking up to a surprise scenery somewhere in the U.S. 

Im sitting here all by myself reflecting on the past few weeks, the new year, we’ve gone through a lot as a family, but right this moment, I’m feeling very thankful for the many blessings in my life.  The bond between Michelle and Bella which is so ridiculously amazing, for Stan who continues to shine with his sweet personality no matter what obstacles life presents his way, and for myself, yes, me, because I’m thankful for the opportunity of being a support system for my family, although some days, it’s very exhausting! 

Life doesn’t always have to be impecable, to be a good life.  Blessings also come in the chaos, in the ordinary, and extraordinary of our lives.  I’m thankful for all of it, and every moment I get to spend with my family figuring out life, how to survive, and how to thrive! 

Cheers from my quiet little train cabin, filled with love, yummy treats, delicious drinks, good books, Netflix, and awesome views. Sending love and peace wherever you are! 🥰✌🏻

Saturday, January 15, 2022

Hi there! ❤️

Today has been a wonderfully productive, boring, casual, and ORDINARY day, and I’ve loved every minute of it!!! A day with what seemed like a new normal for us.  House chores, errands, meals, putting away Christmas decorations FINALLY, some much needed decluttering of the house (oh goodness it felt so good!), tv time, and even a cat nap.  Sounds like a lot, it was, but it wasn’t at the same time.  It’s been months, maybe even a year since we’ve had an ordinary family day like today.  I feel very thankful right now, and it’s made me realize also, the importance of simply being without accomplishing big things. 

Our minds needed to rest from so much stress, and today was the perfect day for that. 

Stan is feeling a lot better thank goodness, Michelle is making progress from her fall, Bella ran a few errands for the house today, and she’s been at work for a few hours now, and I’m just sitting writing, sipping a cup of coffee and snacking on some pretzels.  The simple pleasures of life. 

I had the most interesting (and exhausting) dream last night, and thought I’d share.  I thing it’s interesting how our dreams sometimes reflect our lives, and our thoughts.  Here is the dream. 

My mom and I were by ourselves, we were walking on some dry and dusty path, my mom was old and weak, she needed my assistance to get into cars, and guide her as we walked places.  

Somehow, we ended up being driven by my cousin to another country it seemed, I had a sense we were relocating, but we had nothing with us, just the clothes we had on ourselves.  Eventually we arrived at some big public recreational area, and suddenly a huge storm came out of nowhere, big, furious, and dirty waves were pushing us and all those around us, people were desperate, I could tell they were filled with affliction and panic. I help my mom tight, at some point I was carrying her trying to make it through these stormy waters.  There was a concrete wall by us and I made sure p hang on to it and help us make our way out as I held on, and try to tread water underneath.  My mom seemed at peace the entire time knowing I had her, that I was protecting her, and taking care of her at all times.  I didn’t know what direction these stormy, and dirty waters were pushing us into.  In our path we encountered some people that had died on their attempt to get out of these waters, that made me really sad, but I kept pushing through keeping my mom safe, and myself also, I was determined to get out, and get to whatever place that wasn’t these stormy waters.

Eventually we did. There was a lot of chaos at our arrival, people desperate, nobody knew what to do or who to get help from.  It was dark, the place seemed unsafe, we had to go through a tunnel before we were out on the streets of this city.  Someone yelled out from the distance as people searched for help in desperation, “go to that building, they can help you there!” Apparently to get into that building you needed money which we didn’t have, and a by-passer went up to us and handed us a few coins, the person said in a hurry, “here, this will do it, go inside the building, they can help you there.” That person quickly disappeared. 

As we and many other people tried to get into the building to get help, just as my elderly mother and I were trying to do, the lady in charge of that building yelled very angrily, “we are CLOSED, leave now!!!” Her tone scared me, she looked very fierce, angry, and extremely intimidating.”  Then, just like that she turned around, looked at us and said, “you two, follow me.”  I grabbed my mom even tighter and whispered, “let’s go mom!” My mom and I followed this tall lady, she had very dark complexion and looked as if she had a very tough life.  It was very apparent, that she was also very important in that town.

The woman opened the doors to this big building, and as we talked in, she said, “I’ll take you to my apartment, follow me.” It felt good to be out of the streets that had given us such an overwhelming feeling of insecurity, and anxiety, it felt especially good to be in a dry place, no more stormy, and dirty waters.  She pointed at a couch and said to us, “sit there, I’ll be right back.”  My mom and I sat down, and discovered newborn triplets on her bed, calm, sweet, and so precious.  I started playing with them, my mom just sat there she couldn’t really see, but I could tell she was more at peace.

A few minutes later, this “intimidating” lady we had encountered on the streets that offered us shelter, was coming out from the back of her apartment where her kitchen was, carrying a tray with great smelling big bowls of soup with noodles, vegetables, and bread.  She didn’t say much, simply, “eat now please!” It was almost an endearing  command.  My mom and I started eating, the soup was delicious, and I was happy more than anything that my mom had something good and warm to eat.  I felt safe then.  

The lady started sharing with us a little bit about her life story, and how much she was struggling, and all of a sudden, almost instantaneously I said, “I can help!” It was at that moment that we all understood that my mom and I would have shelter and food, and this nice lady known as the intimidating figure of the town, would now have help, love, and support from two complete strangers that had just shown up at her doorstep minutes before. 

I can fully identify with that version of me in the dream.  The stormy waters were all the troubles and tribulations we’ve faced in the past year or so (even more), my mom simbolized my family, and me hanging on to her for dear life trying to keep her safe during that awful attempt to get out of that storm was the mom/wife/daughter/sister in me saying, “stormy, dirty waters, you won’t take us down, we will get out of this.”  The lady that helped us at the end of my dream and fed us represented all the loving people in our lives that have fed us (literally) when we’ve felt spent, and worn out, people that have prayed for us, and walked alongside, and even though they can’t physically walk and navigate every step of our stormy waters with us, they are there waiting for us to knock on their doors whenever we need help. 

The dream woke me up around 5 am, and I immediately wrote it all down.  Just as I finished writing, I went back to sleep for a couple more hours.

Today, I’m thankful for an ordinary day filled with everyday family life, the “normal”, boring if you wish, simple life I so much love!!! ❤️

Friday, January 14, 2022

Hello. ❤️

Today has been a challenging day, but right now I’m sitting on the living room coach resting after enjoying a delicious  meal with my family.  I really do feel relaxed, peaceful, and I’m thankful for that.  

Stan had some complications from his surgery last night, and at around midnight I was woken up by Stan asking if we should go to the ER. We called his surgeon before we left, and he suggested doing a few things before we left, which Stan did right away.  THANKFULLY, we were able to skip the ER, and Stan was seen by his doctor first thing in the morning.  Long story short, he’s doing much better today, resting, and healing. 

Meanwhile… Michelle fell in the bathtub last night and hit her head, and another call to the doctor was made. Sounds like she got herself a concussion, and gave me more gray hairs on my head!!! When I heard the very loud BOOM coming from upstairs last night, all I could feel was anger, because really??? I just couldn’t take just one more thing anymore.  I know it was nobody’s fault, but I.just.want.a.normal.day. 

That is all. 

Thankfully, Michelle is also doing better from the fall, and now nobody is allowed to take showers at home this weekend. 😉

Last night after coming home from the hospital we were treated by a super delicious meal, wine and dessert from a sweet friend, and it felt soooo good to be able to grab a plate and sit on the couch to rest and eat something hearty and yummy!!! The love poured into the meal, healed the wounds too.

Tonight, after walking in from work, our doorbell rang just a few minutes after, and our dear friends were standing at the door, holding a humongous Olive Garden bag with dinner for everyone, flowers and dessert! After a long, and EXHAUSTING day, Stan, the girls, and I sat at the dinner table to eat, to talk, to laugh, to pray.  God sat with us too, it was a holy moment, surrounded by delicious food, and scrumptious breadsticks.

As we finished dinner, and the girls cleared the table, I sat at the kitchen table simply taking it all in.  All of a sudden, tears started pouring out, not the grief stricken tears, but tears of exhaustion, joy, and thankfulness.  Strange combination I know, but that’s what happened. 

My faith has been shaky at times in the  past year, not absent, not at all, but weary, and tonight as we rested from the day, and all the struggles, and savored the flavors of the love poured out by friends, I felt God’s healing grace. 

Today is my dad’s First anniversary of his death. Some days it feels like yesterday, some days, it feels like I can carry the pain of his absence a little easier. I went to church this morning and prayed for him. I had a couple extra cups of coffee in his honor, and I listened to Alfredo Zitarrosa’s songs as I got ready for work this morning. Bandaids of love for my heart. I have a candle lit at home by his picture, remembering him, and praying for him. We love you dad. 💙

Some days when we are so many things to so many people because of the circumstances of our lives, it’s easy to forget who we are, and carrying what we’ve become is challenging.  Remembering who we are, and what we are made of (love) is the journey back to healing. 

“When things get difficult remember who you are. ‘Who am I asked the boy?’ ‘You are loved said the horse.’” ~ Charlie Mackesy

Thursday, January 13, 2022

Well, here I am, doing one of the things I enjoy doing the most, writing.  Writing frees my soul, and takes me to places no one has ever visited, and although the sharing of some of my writing exposes certain areas of my personal life, it’s still a very intimate experience.  I simply love it. ❤️

I’ve done a little bit of writing this year, but not a lot, I just haven’t had the time.  Too much of everything going on, but it’s ok, I have time right now, a lot of time actually. I’m sitting in the parking lot of a hospital after dropping off my husband for day surgery.  After I dropped him off He said, “go home, relax a little, I’ll call when I’m ready to be picked up!” How can I go home and “relax” when he’s going under general anesthesia, and we are unsure of the outcome of the testing they are doing? Imposible.  I’ve chosen to stay in the parking lot, it’s a good choice, I feel a lot better that way.  I have a book, a blanket in case I want to (and can) take a nap, and I’m going to find a place to have lunch in a couple of hours.

The hospital is back on lockdown after a recent Covid surge.  No one is allowed inside unless you have an appointment, procedure, surgery, testing, anything that involves YOU, and only you. I understand, but I don’t like it, it makes me feel so removed and isolated, and unsupportive of my loved ones, even though is not my choice.

I was here yesterday too with my oldest , Michelle. She’s been dealing with an array of health issues, some of them quite scary, and yesterday she had a number of tests to look deeper into what has been going on.  She’s in good hands medically speaking, and she has all of our love and support.  This kid is one of the most determined, tenacious, loving, and free thinker humans I’ve ever known, and I love and admire that about her, even though she might give me a few extra gray hairs every once in a while because of all those wonderful traits. 😁

Speaking of kids, Bella is doing awesome, rocking school, and work, and trying to figure out what College she’ll end up going to in the Fall. I’ve had a lot of mom guilt lately due to a consumable amount of “stuff” we’ve had going on at home, I haven’t really given enough time and attention to Bella.  My level of comfort with that is, she knows we are here for her, we are still helping her and supporting her in every way we can, and she is not alone. 

The last 372 days have been EXHAUSTING in so many ways. My skin feels (and looks) like cardboard, I have under eyes bags due to lack of sleep, and overall I don’t feel like myself, like the Maria I’ve always known, but the beauty and gift of life, of this chapter of our lives right now is that  there is no loosing or winning, simply… becoming. 

This past year I’ve felt every emotion with my whole entire heart!!!  I’ve always been very passionate in that way, but this past year has been different.  My level of appreciation, understanding, and acceptance is “next level”. 😉 I embrace that.

Tomorrow will be my dad’s one year anniversary of his death.  How can it be??? It’s so strange to me that we will be remembering him that way.  A Mass is being offered in his memory tomorrow, and I’ll probably drink a few extra cups of coffee in his memory, and listen to Alfredo Zitarroza’s album on replay, which I do a lot anyways.  I want to start reading Don Quixote, by Miguel De Cervantes, one of my dad’s favorite books, he read it many times. 

I have a LOT to be thankful for, many things that bring me joy, and feel passionate about like my job, and an awesome family and friends I know I can count on at any given time of the day, the gift of knowing that I can’t fix everything, that I too deserve to give myself a break every once in a while, and take care of ME, this human being capable of loving, suffering, feeling all the feelings, and trying… every day with all my heart. 

God, help me pray. Stay with us. Heal us, protect us, console us, give us peace, joy, harmony, and grant us the grace to feel your love no matter what we are going through in life. Amen.