February 2021 Journal Pages 💛

Sunday, February 28, 2021

I’m laying in bed, not quite ready to get up yet, my body feels heavy and tired and I’m going to rest for just a little longer, maybe Stan will show up magically with a cup of coffee for me. 😉

Last night was another night of unrest for our family, my body, my mind, my spirit can’t take all that stress anymore, I’m starting to develop a certain type of post traumatic stress issues; either when I get a call from Mexico “unannounced”, meaning they don’t send me a text previously saying “I’m calling, everything is ok”, (if they insert a happy emoji, even better), or when Michelle looks in pain or sad.  My body goes into defense and survival mechanism immediately when either one of those two things happen, the brain is so powerful. 

We almost had to make another trip to the ER with Michelle last night, she’s still having a lot of post op issues and I’m praying that it all gets resolved very soon! 

GRIEF.  Grief visited me again last night.  Well, it never leaves actually, it’s a very impolite and stubborn guest.  Sometimes, it’s just a little more gentle with me, and it goes easy on my heart and soul, but not last night, last night it shook me and it awoken me and it reminded me that everything it’s still very much recent and fresh and with me, walking every minute of the day alongside.

I talked to my mom briefly yesterday afternoon, and then my brother called in the evening to chat a bit.  In our conversation he was sharing about some cleaning up and organizing he’s doing in the house, I think that after ALL that they have gone through in that house, in my parents house, in my childhood home;some cleaning up and organizing is in order, and it’s making them feel better too, at least for sure, it’s lifting up my brother Will’s spirit. 

For me, it’s different, I haven’t even been there yet since my dad and brother got sick and died.  I haven’t even had closure in walking in and “seeing” them in the memories they left behind.  Not that I’m looking forward to that pain, but I think it’s necessary in order heal.  

My brother Will mentioned a box of books from one of the books my brother had published that were still sitting in his bedroom.  I believe a handful of books had arrived with some errors and my brother JR had removed them from the “good” pile he had put aside for sale and promotion.  My brother was very meticulous about his work and so attentive to give only the best of his work, that I can almost picture him examining every single book when they arrived before they went to the bookstore or store where they would be sold.  Painful. Very painful conversation for me.  A very painful setting of events for me.  I had to mute the phone a few times so he wouldn’t hear my tears.

Someone other than my brother Jesús going through his stuff (because someone needs to do it) and sorting things???  Ugh, it can’t be!  I feel a strange tug in my stomach as I am writing this.  Why can life be so cruel sometimes? This doesn’t make sense... still, I’m praying that one day I will see the full picture of what happened.  It will never make the pain go away, but I hope that eventually the pain transforms into gratitude and generosity by the acts of kindness life will present for us inspired by my brother’s life and his love for nature.  I have to be patient with myself, for now, and I will allow myself to feel the pain, and taste the tears. 

Today is the last day of February.  I feel as if I’m closing a chapter.  The “the month my youngest brother died” chapter.  It hurts.  Saying goodbye to yet another thing that has made such an incredible, excruciating and important mark in my life.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot.

I will start the month of March, feeling my brother’s spirit, hearing his voice, picturing the warmth of his smile, and feeling his sweet embrace.  Goodbyes will not be something I will practice, because the memories of my loved ones will accompany me for the rest of my life.  They will be with me in the conversations we had, in the books I read, in the music I listen to, in the physical things they left behind.  

My stomach might feel like I’ve been punched, but my soul is whispering... we are here and we love you. 💙

PS: Stan didn’t show up with a cup of coffee, but she showed up with even a bigger surprise, a breakfast sandwich he picked up on his way home from church this morning, which I enjoyed with my morning coffee. 🥰

📸: the loviest of coffee cups with the picture of my dear childhood family of five, delivered by a sweet friend yesterday. ☕️

Saturday, February 27, 2021

What a lovely, sunny day it is today. ☀️

I’m sitting in the front porch of my house all by myself.  I have a cozy sweater on and a blanket over my lap.  It feels like Spring and I’m loving every moment of this amazing sunny and low 50’s weather.  I’ve even gone for two walks already, one by myself and one with a friend, and both walks were glorious!!! ❤️

Yesterday was an interesting day for me.  I cried twice while sitting behind my desk at work, and then cried again while talking to a friend, my tears sneak up on me these days when I least expect them.  Although, it might not seem like progress, it is.

I didn’t cry last night after talking to my mom and I didn’t cry in bed before falling asleep, something I’ve been doing spontaneously and without fail every day since my brother died, and many, many times since my dad got sick and my brother died.  Sometimes, I think to myself... is this really my new reality?  It is, and although the last two months have felt like the darkest, deepest, muddiest forest I could had ever imagined to experience EVER in my life, I have grown as an individual and human being more than I have in my entire life.  Grief can do that. Life will never be the same, my perspective has changed, but that part I am fully embracing, life seems richer now if that makes any sense. 

Yesterday, I had a very good conversation with my mom, we talked for one entire hour, I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but it was.  It was a well spent hour because it was really late at night and I was just coming home from work and I was tired and I knew my mom would be going to bed soon and I didn’t want to keep her up and tire her, but she didn’t mind it and neither did I, we needed each other, we need each other now more than never .  It was an awesome hour on the phone with her, because in that hour we covered a lot of “territory” in the grief and doing life after loss department that is, we have been very honest with our feelings and where we are at in our own journey.  She inspires me. 

My mom is amazing. She simply is AMAZING.  Her strength and faith inspire me beyond measure, and every day I don’t know how she does it.  She is not only legally blind, but she just lost her husband and her youngest son within a three week period, and still she celebrates life and finds ways every single day to rejoice about the simple pleasures and blessings of life, like feeling joy about my high school friend and her sisters stopping by last night for a short social distanced visit to drop off some chocolate bars for her and say hello to my mom.  My mom was beyond thrilled, she said to me last night “they are so sweet and so kind.”  

My mother was born with a heart that is always ready to give thanks and the gift to recognize every blessing in her ordinary and extraordinary days.

Today has been a very special day for me, and I will forever keep this day in my heart.  The day was greeted with sunshine - sun always seems to make things better - and sweet friends stopped by my house for a visit, an embrace and to let me know that I am loved, prayed for and cared about.  My heart feels their love. 

Something interesting has been happening to me lately.  I am starting to recognize my brother’s presence, kindness and generous heart in the generosity of others.  I can almost feel him journeying with me every day, and I am starting to talk to him as if he were next to me, because I know he didn’t abandoned me, he’s still with me, maybe even in a bigger way.  Some days, I cry when I talk to him, I really miss him, but I also feel his presence blessing my every step and that helps my healing process.

As my mom and I shared last night, his works of generosity are just starting, and the future looks bright and I cannot wait to see who he would send our way in need of help.  He helped people in need when he himself needed help, and he gave unselfishly... ALWAYS.  He never talked about it, but I was a witness to many of his good deeds.  He was born a giver.  Some day, I will share a handful of his many acts of kindness.  

The amazing David Kessler said recently, “Each person's grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn't mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.” 

I am thankful for MY own witnesses, the people who have felt my pain, carried me through my grief, loved me and haven’t tried to reframe it or “fix” my grief.  I am learning so much, and I feel more and more thankful and blessed with each passing day... 

Michelle is making chili for dinner tonight, she’s still not feeling the greatest, but I think she’s making progress.  We are having movie night tonight and Stan is picking up Oberweiss for dessert.  The simple pleasures of life, oh, how we have to live them fully and embrace every one of them.  Thankful for my every day self care whispers. 💙

Friday, February 26, 2021

I’m barely on six hours of sleep, I had a very busy day yesterday but that busy day also gave me many opportunities to experience joy, and I’m thankful for that. 💛

We celebrated my boss’s birthday at the office yesterday, mainly known for mango as the Pastor of the church where I work. 😉 It was such an amazing day of celebrations and a joy filled day, I’ve always loved celebrating birthdays, it’s such an honor and huge blessing to be able to say “I’m welcoming one more year, bless me God and walk this journey with me.”  We have been beyond blessed at CHS having Father Jeremy as a Pastor and I couldn’t be happier for his leadership, his faith, humor, and for the opportunity to work side by side on many projects at the office. Yesterday was a great day to celebrate his birthday, but also, to give thanks for his presence at our parish and parish office. We are certainly blessed. 

Yesterday, too, I had the opportunity to record a children’s book series we have on the YouTube channel at the church called “Story Time.”  We had taken a pause for at least one week - I actually think it was too - since my brother died.  On Wednesday I called my friend and storyteller to say I was ready to do the filming again.  I have to start slowing getting back into the things that hurt... my brother being a children’s book author, always loved listening to “Story Time with Miss Joyce.”  He was the first one to send me a text or voice message with a comment and always a praise about Joyce’s ability to share the stories.  He really admired her.  Yesterday, as we started this week’s episode, I wasn’t expecting tears, I was mainly just looking forward to filming this new story and uploading it for others to see, well, apparently, I’ve learned nothing about grief just yet, or at least, not enough.  The moment she started reading the book, images of my brother came to mind and I could literally picture his grin and hear a chuckle and even hear a sweet and funny comment about the snowman talked about in this book, or about Miss Joyce’s storytelling style.  We always loved talking about that, every week.

It wasn’t long after she started reading that my tears started flowing, I’m learning that my tears have ZERO manners, on most days, they come uninvited and unannounced.  I think I “disguised” them well, and I tried my best to push them back.  Not here, not now, I thought... keep it together, Maria! Do it for “Sneezy the Snowman” at least.  I hope my brother enjoyed the story time yesterday. ☃️

Soon after that I met with my dear friend Kathy to record an invitation for a presentation she’s doing in March at church.  You know how some people make your heart melt a little even by just watching them enter a room or hear their voice? That’s her for me and I am SO blessed to have her in my life.

We went on with our “business” and recorded a brief introduction about the presentation she doing in a few days, and then all it took was one simple question or comment that made me think of my grief and the deep, deep pain I can’t “shake off”, and there goes again, my uninvited tears, that seem to be very available these days.  Thank you??? I guess! Tears have been very healing for me, so I guess, I’ll gladly welcome them from now on. 

I’ve been feeling lonely at home lately and almost resentful if it makes any sense.  I feel as if everyone has moved on too quickly from their sadness (not that I want them to be sad for a long time) and they don’t anymore feel the deep, excruciating pain I’m still feeling for the losses of my father and brother.  I know they understand MY pain, I hope they do at least, and I know they love me and want the best for me, but grief is so personal, and so unique and so intimate that it makes you feel lonely at times.

I have to keep reminding myself of what my grief counselor shared, “everyone experiences grief for the same person differently, because they loved them differently.”  Deep love, deep grief, and that’s the journey I’m walking right now.  Still deep, deep in a dark and muddy forest trying to find my way out, but keeping on going even when my feet feel heavy and my soul is worn, because the light that is carrying me out of that dark and muddy forest is the light inside of me, and I trust it more than I trust anything else.  

“From Joy I came, for joy I live; and un Thy sacred joy, I shall melt again.” Yogananda 

A friend gave me a gift card for Dunkin Donuts and today I decided to sip my coffee in a little, quiet corner of the coffee shop, there is no one here, all customers seem to be driving through and I’m loving it, all I can hear is the happy work conversations of the employees and even that’s making me smile.  

I’m journaling and reading a new book I purchased yesterday about grief.  I’m loving and embracing every word.  Whatever will heal my soul I will do... drinking coffee, reading a book, going for a walk, meditating, crying, talking to a friend, being alone.  The healing process has just began. ❤️

Thursday, February 25, 2021

Lately I’ve been trying to listen to my body a little more.  To pay more attention to ME, and let my body somehow, someway begin a healing process.  A healing process that I never thought could be felt so heavy.

There are other things troubling my heart and soul right now, but I’m focusing my attention for the healing of one hurt at a time.  Life became overly complicated all of a sudden, and even thought I’ve always known in the “back of my head” that we have very little to no control over situations in life, I’m learning now the hard way, but at the same time, God and life has provided me with some pretty amazing human beings to light the way for me, and professionals to guide my healing.  In the midst of all the heartache, I do feel very, very blessed.

Yesterday, I had my first ever session with a counselor.  A counselor that specializes in grief support.  In all the years of my life I’ve never sought the help of a counselor, not that I haven’t needed it, I think we all do from time to time, and now, I think I’m loving it to be honest.  I’d like to say that I left my meeting feeling a lot lighter, but that would not be true, however, it helped a LOT, and she gave me excellent advice, things that are already helping me and more than anything she validated all the feelings I’m feeling, that part was my favorite, because I was starting to feel like there was something wrong with me that I just couldn’t “snap” out of it quick enough.  

Why are we so hard on ourselves???

I won’t be sharing all the things we talked about of course, as for they are private and I want to keep them tucked in my heart, but one thing that really resonated with me was when I asked all afflicted why I was feeling a deeper pain for the loss of my brother over the loss of my father and I felt guilty because I loved my father also.  And she simply and calmly said “we grieve different for different people because we love different.”

I had a very special relationship and bond with my brother and that makes the pain so much harder and it feels as it will last forever.  I’m sure it will, I just pray that it won’t with the same intensity.  One day at a time.

Last night I had a dream. I didn’t dream about my brother, but it was a dream related to my brother.

I had a dream that my mother had written my brother a long letter about all the things she wished she would’ve said to him before he died and she couldn’t because we were separated and kept away due to Covid.  There were at least two or three pages, and with capital letters, she wrote some of the things he admired about him.  Although I couldn’t see my mother writing it, or even holding the letter she had written to my brother, I could sense peace in that beautiful practice and display of love.

I might do that myself.  It won’t be easy, but I think I might just try it.  I’ve done many other very hard things in life before.  My brother’s love and joyful spirit will guide me through it. 

Yesterday, I took an important first step in my healing journey, and I am so glad I did.  For now, I will continue to listen to my body, to honor my body when it feels tired and exhausted from carrying all that grief and the stresses of the world, to walk away from situations that serve me no good, especially now, and to take care of ME.  I need this now more than ever before and I am so grateful that my brother the “self care advocate” of our lives, left me with all those tools to continue my journey of life, my journey of love and a joy filled life.  I can do hard things. 💛

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

In four short days February will be over, and I’m glad in a way.  Although, the experiences we lived in this month of February will forever be engraved in my heart, but I’m ready to do a little more rejoicing, and it’s not about “moving on” at all, I don’t believe in that, I don’t even like that. I think certain experiences should always have a special and sacred place in our hearts and souls no matter what lessons they taught us.

I’m sitting in my very favorite spot in the kitchen, but a big bay sort of window, the sun in coming in and the house is so quiet you can hear a pin drop. LOVE!!! ❤️

I love happy noise and activity, but I fully embrace the quiet and stillness of my life.

Yesterday I experienced a rainbow of emotions.  I had a very busy day at work and we had some celebrations in the office, and I fully enjoyed that.  One of the things that make me the happiest is celebrating birthdays and special occasions, life has to be celebrated, and celebrated fully and well. I enjoyed it all.  The errands, the setting up and decorating, the food, the cake, the conversations and laughter and even all the work I was able to accomplish after that.  A very good work day!

Then... I got in the car to go home at night and something very minimum ignited all kinds of feelings and grief knocked on my door one more time.  I was supposed to be picking up ice cream on my way home for the girls, I had promised, and by the time I pulled up to the ice cream shop, I could hardly keep myself together.  “Snap out if it, Maria!” I said to myself.  I did it like a professional actor.  I did, long enough to pick up my order and then the moment I got in the car again, waterfalls again, phew... I never knew my body was capable of crying so many tears.  My grandmother’s middle sister who never married and who I adored, would say to us kids when we were little “stop crying, you’ll run out of tears...” that always made us smile.  I’m sure, psychologists these days would probably deeply analyze that, but for me, it was pure love, it was her way of bringing joy into our then sorrowful moments.  It worked every time. ☺️

Well, shockingly enough, apparently I was born with a VERY generous amount of tears, and I’m using them shamelessly now. It’s ok. I’m glad they are there to comfort me.

On a positive note, I have been following my youngest brother’s advice that he gave me all the time to take care of myself, to always remember that self care is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and every day, I’ve found a way to do that, even if it’s something as simple as what I’m doing right now, sipping my coffee in the quiet of my house and journaling.  Self care, whispers from above. 💙

Today, I have a counseling session to talk about my experience with grief.  I have never had a counseling or therapy session in my life before, I don’t know why, because I’m sure I could’ve used them in more than one occasion, funny how we don’t always give it the importance it requires.  I am really looking forward to this in person session, and praying it will soothe my soul in some way, I’m sure it will. 

Looking forward to a new day of opportunities, a conversation with my mom later on, and a text exchange with my middle brother, who I couldn’t be more proud of right now.  His joyful and helpful spirit inspires me.

I am blessed! ❤️

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Today marks the two week anniversary of my brother’s passing in the early hours of the day.  I didn’t wake up crying, I did wake up missing him and thinking about him a lot, but I didn’t have that devastating river of tears that has been so suffocating for me in the last few days.  I’m grateful. ❤️

Yesterday, I got my first shot of my Covid vaccine, the second one is in a month, which means, I’m a step closer to being able to visit my family in Mexico.  Maybe, that’s why I’m feeling a little “lighter” today, and a little less sorrowful.  Not that the pain has completely gone away - think that will forever stay in my heart but will transform with time - but because the vaccine gives me the hope and the opportunity to be able to celebrate my dad’s and brother’s lives in Mexico with my mom and my brother Will, and place our loved ones in their resting place.  I think that will be of comfort for all of us, I’m sure of that. 

Today, the sun is shinning in all its glory and I’m really loving looking at it! I’m craving light, and sun and a little more warmth.  My brother JR was a huge advocate for self care and for searching your own happiness, and today I can feel him in the warmth and light of the shining sun. 

Aside from the “what would Jesus do?” saying, I have a new saying, “What would Jesús say?”  My brother would say “sister, enjoy life, be joyful, embrace nature, take care of yourself.” 

And that’s exactly what I’m planning on doing today to honor him, to honor life and to honor me. ☀️

Monday, February 22, 2021

“Is he really dead?” 

“Maybe he’s resting somewhere, trying to recover from the ordeal of caring for my dad when he got sick.”

“Maybe I should check my texts, maybe he sent me one???”

Those are all the things my mind was communicating to my heart. How cruel! 

Before then, I had come across (ok, I didn’t ‘come across’, I purposely looked for it - BAD idea!) an email my brother had sent me about some projects he was working on, and I physically felt my heart punctured in some way. Emotional pain, translated into PHYSICAL ache.  Our bodies and brains are so incredibly powerful. 

All my talk about my brother doesn’t mean I don’t miss my dad, of course I do, and I embrace every memory but it’s SO different.  I came to terms with his passing in a different way, in a more peaceful way, he had lived a longer and fuller life, he had completed his mission. 

Deep down, I know my brother completed his earthly mission as well according to life, according to the faith I so firmly believe in, but my humanity is fighting that, I hope one day I will come to terms with that with more awareness and in a more peaceful way.  One day, I will share what my mom shared with me a couple of days ago, about how she believes and feels in her heart the way my brother prepared my dad for his passing, and how my brother prepared my mother for his.  An incredible witness of faith. 

I spent almost the entire day yesterday in bed, in my pajamas, taking care of myself, but mainly, because I didn’t feel or have the energy to do anything else.  I barely ate, I did eat, but I’m finding out that grief can even take hunger and cravings out of the foodiest person... me!  I did manage to have a couple of cups of coffee which is good, because I hadn’t even had the taste for that.

It think it’s interesting how I keep thinking about all the things my brother didn’t get to accomplish, all the books he didn’t get to publish, all the things life “cheated” him on, but then I think, “I bet he’s not thinking about ANY of that! In fact, he’s not even worried about any of it for one second, because he is a peace, and peace is filled with calmness and deeper awareness and understanding of life here on earth and above.”  I just have to keep envisioning him that way, at peace, a peace so deep and so pure, only angels can feel. 

I’m learning that avoiding the grief and loss we feel and experience has a cost, and that if we acknowledge it and truly feel it and embrace it, it’s healing for both body and mind. 

For now, I’m yearning for the day when the sun will come out and stay and it will be 70 degrees out so I can take long, nature walks where I can feel a little closer to the people I love and whose physical presence is no longer with us.  I have always appreciated nature, but I will never look at it the same way again.

Nature is the greatest gift given to us in this life and it needs to be celebrated with more awareness and appreciation.

One day at a time... ☀️

Sunday, February 21, 2021

I’m sitting in a quiet corner of the living room, no noise is coming through, expect for a very gentle flow of water from the kitchen where Stan is washing some dishes.

Bella is relaxing after a very long school day of projects and homework and Michelle is reading while she rests her body.  She really hasn’t had a chance to rest properly after surgery, we went from one emergency to another and them complete chaos in a short amount of time.

As strangely as it may sound, life seems to start feeling a little less excruciating.  I only cried once today, actually twice.  Once after a conversation I had with my mother, the second time, after I talked to a friend about sorting my emotions.  Both tears were healing and I’m glad I was able to move on after that.

Two pretty incredible things happened today.  

I received an Amazon delivery this afternoon sent by a friend, and of course I had no idea what it could be.  I opened it eagerly as a child on Christmas Day, to find a beautiful book of poems written by Mary Oliver.  The cover?! Human hands holding a bird and spoon feeding it.  Amazing in SO many ways! 

As I’ve shared before, my brother Jesús was a huge advocate and protector of animals, bugs, and wild life were his favorite.  Birds always amazed him in so many ways and he (I know it might sound weird) had a special relationship with them, yes, that’s right.  Birds seemed to follow him as if they knew they were safe by his side.  He fed them, gave them water and spent time with them... birds in nature, flying free.

When I saw the cover of the book I was struck with amazement and I immediately felt my brother’s presence.  An “I’m still here with you” tap on my shoulder delivered by some Amazon delivery person.

I randomly opened the book to whatever page my index finger would guide me.  I mean, not my index finger, my guardian angel. 😉. The book has 455 pages of poems, below is the poem gifted to me today. ❤️

The slippery green frog 

that went to his death 

in the heron’s pink throat 

was my small brother,

and the heron 

with the white plumes 

like a crown on his head 

who is washing now his great sword beak

in the shinning pond

is my tall thin brother.

My heart dresses in black

and dances. 

__________

Death, birds, small brother, tall brother, a shining pond, a grieving heart and a joyful soul. A gift.

Another AMAZING thing happened today, something that I see as new beginnings, a time of renewal, and a time to embrace joy... again.

My parents and two brothers had the tradition of grilling on the weekends.  Steak, homemade fresh salsas, grilled onions, quesadillas on the grill and roasted corn.  A tradition I always felt a little envious of, but that I always celebrated with them because it made me happy seeing them so happy together, feasting on some of their favorite foods.  I could picture them in the kitchen prepping the food, and then my brothers and father by the grill making their steaks and chicken and whatever they had.

It’s been almost seven weeks since my dad got sick and life and their routine at home forever changed.  

Today, my brother Will and my mom revisited their weekend tradition of making salsas, preparing the meat for the grill, roasting the corn and enjoying an afternoon of delicious food, only this time for a “party” of two.  When I first saw the pictures my brother sent me of their food, and everything was two of this and two of that, I will have to admit that I cried, how could this be their new reality, but you know what, my mother and brother fully enjoyed preparing this meal, sitting at the table just the two of them and celebrating life once again.

Today, a bird showed up again to reassured me that our loved ones are still with us, and today; a new beginning and rebuilding of life started at home again, continuing traditions, adjusting, but most importantly, feeling joy for the gift of life and the memories they are blessed to continue to share with each other. 

Thankful for today, for the physical rest I allowed my body, for the fewer tears that were healing, and most importantly foe the peace that my heart is starting to experience.

Little by little, one day at a time. ❤️

Saturday, February 20, 2021

I’ve always been honored to call myself a “church lady”.  It might sound funny, but the name comes wrapped with endless blessings. 

Today will be a day to be remembered for the rest of my life and my family.

Today, we celebrated the lives of my dad and youngest brother with a beautiful Memorial Mass.  It was a beautiful liturgy, touching readings and prayers and the most beautiful homily by our Pastor reflecting about the mystery of death, our faith and the love we keep in our hearts and minds from our deceased loved ones.

Being a “church lady” has given me the opportunity to attend endless of funerals.  I think it’s so important to be part of funerals, to show up in some way and be presents for our family and friends experiencing grief.  I’ve always been a guest, taking a back seat, just showing support.  Today was different.  Today, our family sat upfront, the place where the grieving family of the deceased (in this case two people deceased) sits.  It felt surreal, we were the protagonists of this not so pleasant experience, but the Funeral rituals, all of them, brought me a huge sense of peace and some closure and for that, I’m extremely grateful.

I keep thinking about the Mass and it makes me smile picturing ALL those people that walked in one by one.  Friends, families, young adults, children, parishioners and non parishioners, Catholics, non-Catholics, and overall, the best group of caring people you could imagine.  In that hour of the Mass, I felt so loved, embraced by the warmth of my friends and family and reminded once again that I am not alone, and that I am very fortunate to have had the father and brother I did.  

This morning I woke up extremely anxious, I threw up on an empty stomach actually, not a pretty sight.  I felt so extremely overwhelmed by the thought of this Memorial Mass, picturing the faces of my father and brother on the memorial table where cremated remains are usually place:  I felt overwhelmed and trapped in my own body.  Instead of getting in the shower, I wanted to call Sister Marianne and tell her the Memorial Mass was off, I couldn’t even think to bare the fact that I’d be facing that great challenge today.  I got strength somehow, paddle through, got in the shower end got ready to face our new reality.  The reality of sending off my dad and brother, but it was done in the most amazing and special ways and for that I feel so blessed! 

Each of my girls did a reading and prayers at church and Stan shared words of remembrance which were so touching and beautiful with an amazing family!!!

Something special happened to us today.  Aside from the beautiful Mass.

When I got back from running a few errands after the Mass, I came home to find a beautiful pink pouch on the counter.  The girls shared that the day my brother died (February 9th) they ordered three angel necklaces symbolizing in honor of my brother.  Today, 11 days later on the Mass of his Memorial, those necklaces arrived! How amazing is that?!  I know my brother is with us, he’s looking over us, protecting us, interceding for us and blessing us.

Tonight, as I put cards away, and walked passed the dining room to go upstairs, I took a glimpse of the pictures of my father and my brother and the waterfalls started again. I’m just new in this territory called grief, but I am sure it’s all part of it.

I don’t know when I will be able to feel more like myself again, but I’m giving myself the grace to feel all my emotions I need to feel, until this new life we are living, feels a little bit more normal. 

Tonight, I’m thankful for the gift of faith, the gift of loving family and friends, and especially for the opportunity to honor their lives in such holy and loving way.  We are blessed and deeply lovers. ❤️

Friday, February 19, 2021

Go gentle on yourself, go gentle...

This morning I woke up and immediately went looking for memories on Facebook. Why do we do that to myself, especially now? It’s like I wanted to find something that reminded me of my brother but at the same time I didn’t.  Well, I went looking anyways, and sure enough, the most wonderful memory of him showed up, him playing a beautiful Bach piece at the keyboard.  Ok, probably if I were to shared this with him about the video I found he’d say “SISTER, that’s now Bach, it’s... one of the most talented and amazing composers... did you know that he...???” And he’d take off from there.  I apologize to Bach, or any other amazing composer and/music connoisseur, this is probably not Bach, but what do I know, that’s why I had my brother, to go to him with these questions. 

When I watched this video I was still in bed, and although a tear peeked through my eyes, I mainly felt paralyzed by seeing my brother in the flesh, alive, well and thriving, I didn’t cry a whole lot, I just felt like I couldn’t move, grief it’s a strange feeling of awareness of your whole body, mind and soul, I never knew what grief meant before. 

I got up to get in the shower, thank goodness I have to go to work where I can be distracted and thriving in a way too. 

Something interesting and spontaneous happened to me this morning.  Every day for as long I can remember, decades and decades, after I’ve showered and done my hair and maybe put on some make up, and just before I turn around to leave my bathroom where I’m getting ready, I look at myself in the mirror, smile a big smile at myself (yes, you heard it right!) and kind of say to myself “you’ve got this!” And then I go on with my day.  A practice, I’ve practiced for many years, that I’ve never shared with anyone before.  I always do it in the solitude of my own personal space.

I haven’t been doing that for days, not because I’ve purposefully avoided it, it just didn’t occurred to do it because I was too distracted with having enough energy to shower and get dressed and go on with my day. 

Today was different.  I showered, got dressed, did my hair and just before I left the room, I looked at the mirror and smiled at myself.  Not planned at all, it just happened, and it almost shocked me.  It wasn’t the usual “Maria big first smile” of the day, the kind I’m always so proud of because it always makes me feel pretty and happy.  This smile had a tint of grief, but a smile nonetheless, and perhaps that smile is the light that is trying to sneak in through the cracks of my soul, as a reminder that there is beauty and joy to be had even when we are walking through an imperfect life (in our human eyes) with many ups and downs.

Baby steps, gentleness and patience seems to be the best recipe for moving forward right now.  

Thankful for the gift of joy and faith that has carried me through life and which I know will continue to hold me by the hand.

Today, I smiled. ❤️

📸: my cup of coffee, a new scented candle to elate the senses gifted by a dear friend that reads “Optimism.”  Meditating and breathing in and out as I sip my coffee and watch the light radiating from the candle. 

Thursday, February 18, 2021

It’s almost 9 pm, I had my cup of coffee in bed this morning, well, more like on the afternoon, I couldn’t really function this morning, grief overwhelmed me o so many levels, so I decided to stay in bed until me body and my brain decided to cooperate and then I worked from home. 

Today is day 9, how can it be? I was thinking today, that maybe my sadness is not so much about ME, and how much I miss my brother, (of course a lot has to do with that), but I think mainly my sadness and heartbreak is because HE didn’t get to continue to live and enjoy life and work on the endless projects he was working on.  That is what I’m most sad and angry about.  But then, maybe I shouldn’t be, death, the afterlife has to be the most peaceful place and state where none of that matters, sometimes that brings a little bit of comfort, just enough to keep putting one foot in front of the other every day.

I need the snow to melt and the sun to SHINE, I think that will help too.

Michelle had a follow up today for the surgery she had a couple of weeks ago and on the way home I completely had a crying breakdown because she is still struggling and not feeling too well, and I just want ORDINARY, BORING days, that is all, I’m not asking for a lot, I’m barely asking for anything at this point. 

As we were driving and it was getting darker and we were driving through some wooded areas I said to her “I wouldn’t be surprised if we hit a deer right now!!!” Of course she said “mom, we are not going to hit a deer.” I wasn’t too sure about that.  Good news... we didn’t. 

A few awesome and amazing things happened to me today, to our family, and I’m thankful for the gift of being able to embrace and recognize those blessings even in the midst of all this turmoil.

I was talking to my mom this morning about everything and anything and somehow our conversations always end up in “what did you have for breakfast? What are you having for dinner?” Or a food conversation of some sorts.  My mom then says all happy, “your brother LOVED Chinese food, he could’ve eaten it every day.”  I never knew that about him actually.  

Not long after our conversation ended, I received a text from a friend saying “we want to treat you and your family to Chinese food for lunch today.” She sent me the link for the restaurant and asked to choose what we all wanted.  My fortune cookie had a message that said “your luck is about to change this month.” Not sure I believe in “luck”, especially not in the real significant moments of life, but hey, I’ll take it, I’ll take any good wishes and fortunes right now.  Only good, positive vibes from now on PLEASE!!!

I had a project I was working on for Lent for the office since last night and today after many frustrating attempts, I succeeded right on time for when I needed it, I was beyond thrilled!!! I had to call my mother and share the happy news.  I’m actually kind of glad to be journeying through Lent right now, my soul needed that comfort, the comfort of knowing that I’m never alone in my suffering and that is a great promise. 

Our day ended with a sweet knock on our front door tonight from a friend delivering the most beautiful gift, with a heartwarming card and the story about behind the gift written in that card.  It’s so special, I’ll have to dedicate a full journal page to it’s story sometime soon.  Beyond touched by the generosity of so many.

On our way back from Michelle’s doctors appointment we were blessed with a beautiful sunset, lucky to have stopped at a red light so I could take a picture and reflect on the gift and majesty of nature. 

As my mom reminded me today, “one day at a time... one day at a time.”❤️

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

Today, Catholics around the world marked the season of Lent by putting a cross on the forehead with ashes, inviting us to repent and believe in the Gospel.  

Faith has proven to be a huge commitment.  Faith almost sounded romantic before, easy to a certain way, maybe I just didn’t really know the real meaning of faith until now.  I’m faithful, I’m very faithful person, I actually always felt very proud calling myself faithful, except right now being faithful HURTS, it hurts a lot, but I’m trying, I’m trying very hard, but it still hurts like heck.  

St. Teresa of Calcutta said the following about Lent in one occasion. 

“As Lent is the time for greater love, listen to Jesus’ thirst … He knows your weakness. He wants only your love, wants only the chance to love you.”

I have been journeying through the wilderness of Lent since January 6th, today is day #44 to be exact since my became ill, and to the day my brother died.  I wish I could say “but who’s counting, right?” I am!!! I always will, I think, maybe not with the same intensity and anguish. 

I have decided to take the next 40 days of Lent as an opportunity to reflect on the Calvary I’ve been living for over a month now, maybe it will offer me a time of renewal and I will feel lighter and more at peace come Easter time.

There are many things I want to do to honor the life of my father, and especially my brother’s life since his absence feels so raw, but I can’t do it yet.  I need to get to a point where I can think about him without weeping, without feeling like someone sucked the air out of my soul. 

Today I had another question for him, a liturgical question, but I couldn’t ask him. We’d always get into these big debates (healthy debates) about how we felt about things related to the church, or politics and stuff like that.  I wanted to tell him about how Ash Wednesday went at church today, I know we would’ve engaged in the longest of conversations and we would’ve stayed up until the early hours of the next morning chatting until I had to tell him, “I have to go to sleep”.  He’d said “ok sister, descansa.”

Today, I appreciated all the people that came to church today and reached out to offer their condolences, a short story about their own journey with grief, some of these people have suffered great losses, and still, they have been able to continue to celebrate life and life joyfully (on most days).  They inspire me.  I look up to them now more than ever.  I don’t understand their level of grief, I will never feel what they feel, just like they will never feel what I feel, but I somehow feel a deeper connection with them.

When Bella was little one of her friends that loved cats, said to Stan once during a carpool drive “hey Mr. Stan! I speak cat!” Haha that always tickled Stan and he still remembers that.

Well, I don’t speak “cat” with my friends, but in a way I feel like I quickly learned how to speak “grief”.

I think grief has made my soul a dwelling place, but I’m determined to make good use of that grief, and find a bigger purpose and meaning of life, focused on the things both my father and my brother were such huge advocates of, helping others.  Both, in their own ways. 

Life is just as Mulan would say “Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.”  So many mysteries, so many questions, so much uncertainty, but yet, in the midst of all that, joy remains, and I’m thankful for that. 

I took a picture of one of my coworkers today for his birthday so I can share it on social media tomorrow and I can truthfully say that I found joy in that short glimpse of happiness.  He said to me “Maria, how can you have energy and be happy about doing this?!” I said “because joy is the fuel I need right now to keep me going and life still has to be celebrated...” so we did just that, celebrate life. 

One day at a time, one joy at a time.  In my new dictionary that’s equal to “self love, self care”, and I’m working on doing just that every day, until the day that I can go on with my life for days at a time without shedding sad tears, but instead can joyfully and happily remember the good times and the things he taught me, which were many. Lessons from the heart. ❤️

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

It’s almost midnight and I’m just sitting down since early this morning. Being a “church lady”, the day before Ash Wednesday means a long to do list, it’s a BIG day for Catholics, it’s not just about getting a cross on your forehead, it’s way more than that.  We are reminded of who we are, to repent and believe in the Gospel and also a personal invitation to continue our journey of faith in deeper awareness.  I was thankful for every minute of distraction today that kept me focused on things other that... 

Speaking of awareness.  Today is my brother’s one week heavenly anniversary.  Yes, one week.  I will be celebrating and honoring every day of his absence, every week, every month, every year until the day I take my last breath here on earth, until the day we are reunited again.

I only cried four times today and it wasn’t a desperate cry of affliction, it was more of a “darn it, I miss you, I can do it, right? Help me brother! I can’t do it on my own.” That kind of cry if it makes any sense at all. 

Today, I met with my dear friend Marianne to plan the Memorial Mass for my dad and brother this coming Saturday.  I’ve seen her meet with an endless amount of families over the years planning funerals.  My job has been usually to greet those families, tell them how sorry I was for their loss and ask them if I could offer them a glass of water or coffee perhaps.  If I knew them well, I’d offer a hug. I love hugs.  Hugs are healing. 

Today, I sat in that same room, across from her, just like the many grievers do.  Today, it was my turn, I never thought I’d see the day.  Closing the door, and sitting down to choose readings and songs and talk about my dad and brother, was both healing and painful.  

I never knew love could hurt.  I’m learning that love hurts like he@&! LOVE that is real, love that is unique, love that is pure, hurts a lot when it’s gone.  My body feels as if it had gone through a battle field.  It’s wounded, except nobody can see those wounds, they are covered with clothing and make up and a flat ironed hair.  My wounds are disguised, but they are so very there. 

Today I had a question for my brother. He was my “to go” person whenever I had a question about liturgy, or Spanish grammar, or I simply needed to know how to better say something church related.  My fingers wanted to reach out for my phone and text him but I couldn’t.  

I had a sweet conversation with my mom today and she talks with such ease and love about my brother, that it gives me hope that I will one day get to that level of acceptance.  She’s simply amazing.  My brother Will and I are immensely blessed with her life and presence. 

This experience has also made my brother Will and I become closer, much closer and I actually love that.  He’s a much reserved guy, but he loves with all his heart, and I’ve always admired that about him. 

Something really interesting happened to me today, well, maybe not so much interesting but special.  My brother Jesús was a HUGE advocate for self care, my mom even reminded me of that.  He always said to me “sister, you have to take care of yourself...” and whenever I was having a bad day or didn’t have much time for myself he’d say (in a teasing but serious 😉 way), “go get Chipotle! You love, Chipotle!” And then he would chuckle and tell me some story about his own chipotle runs when he was here in Chicago, we always laughed. 

Today, as I was sitting at my office desk working on many things, I received a text from a dear friend saying “I’d like to treat you and your family to Chipotle tonight for Fat Tuesday, email me your order and let me know what time you’d like it.” 

This might sound a little absurd, but I smiled with every bite I took of that burrito bowl. I smiled, and I also shed a few tears.  Maybe it’s me choosing to see him and to feel him in every moment of the day, but deep down I really feel that he’s gently nudging me as of saying “chin up, we’ll get through this, just keep taking care of yourself.” 

I don’t know what it is, I don’t know many things, I only know that HE for sure would be gently carrying me through life with his love and concern if I were to be going through a great deal of hardship and grief if he were around. 

UGH, I don’t like any of this.  It’s tough, it’s harder than I could ever imagine, but I am so thankful and so blessed by the people that are lovingly walking beside me in this dark forest.

One day at a time.  One minute at a time.  Breathing in, breathing out.  God with me, God with us showing us the way. 💙

Monday, February 15, 2021

Well, I managed to get out of bed around 2 pm today.  I forced my body to move, to feel the ground and get nourishment, the coffee and toast type of nourishment. That’s all that sounded good to me today and that’s what I had.  Ok, I just finished a chocolate bar too that a friend dropped off the other day, that was tasty too. 

I was just listening (again) to yesterday’s homily by our Pastor on YouTube reflecting about the time when Jesus went down from the mountainside after the Sermon on the Mount and a man full of leprosy approached him asking him to heal him. Jesus did and made him clean again. 

In a strange way I’ve been feeling like a leper lately.  In the midst of so much grief in the world, so much sadness and so much despair due to Covid, isolation, separation, loss, I have been a leper to those around me, to those who love me and instead of people running away from me because they don’t want to be “contaminated” and afflicted with my grief and sadness, I have encountered Jesus Himself on all those of who have reached out.  Every person that has sent a meal, that had called or texted or sent a note or a donation or a letter and has made me know with their love and kindness that they are HERE for me, despite the sadness I might be able to transmit to them.  In this case, there is one leper and many healers.  In my grief, I have been funny aware of the love and care and awareness of others during this time. I don’t know for how long I’d feel this agonizing level of grief, but I am hopeful and faithful that I will be healed and made new again.  I will forever carry the pain with me wherever I go, but today, I’m feeling a little bit of hope. 

My brother was a huge nature lover, he loved nature and animals as much as he loved life itself.  He was a protector and a lover above all.  He saw God in the wild, the unprotected and the neglected.  He was a helper.  Just a few days before my father got sick he sent me a picture of my parents back patio, he said “look, they are waiting for me, I feed them every morning, they know I’ll be coming.” These were wild birds, literally tens and tens of them.

My brother was a protector and a helper.  He especially helped the vulnerable and the unprotected, like these birds.  They could count on my brother’s compassion and love. 

I hadn’t share that story with anyone. 

My cousin sent me a message this morning.  Her dad, my dad’s youngest brother is hospitalized with covid right now.  She said she woke up yesterday and heard the sound of many birds outside her bedroom window, and right away she thought of my brother Jesús Ramón, she looked over to the window and what does she see but nonetheless than a Cardinal looking right in. A messenger of peace. She said “I knew I had to share that with you, I felt his presence today.”

Birds.  My brother loved birds, the wild and free kind of birds.  He loved nature, he protected it. He was a big advocate for nature and wildlife.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about birds today and my own connection to them through him.  My doorbell just rang a few minutes ago and when I opened there was a fruit arrangement on the ground sent by friends.  I picked it up, opened package and the first thing I noticed was a white chocolate covered piece of fruit in the shape of a dove.  A BIRD.  A messenger. My brother keeps showing up in the most random and unexpected ways, he’s everywhere, he knows my pain, he knows my tears are a sign of my deep love for him, and I know he will continue to walk beside me for the rest of my life.  I was his protector on earth, I always went to his aide when he needed me, he is mine now, in an ever more profound way. 

I love you, brother. Stay near me, please. 🕊

Sunday, February 14, 2021

Today is my dad’s one month anniversary. I feel like he’s been “cheated” on a little and neglected of the opportunity to be mourned and missed.  We had so much turmoil right after his passing, that all of our efforts were focused on my brothers and mom’s illness and then on my brother’s passing and the grief and sadness and death of my dad had to be moved to the “back burner.” 

Today has been a very tough day for me, I actually haven’t even left my bed all day, pathetic I know, but I have to be patient and kind to myself.  I’ve been working from my bed all day, I’ve worked all day, which has been a great distraction for me.  Thank God for having a job that I love and keeps me motivated. 

But I’m not going to talk about my sadness today, I’ve done enough of that already, although I’m not promising that I won’t again. 😉

Today, I’m going to talk a little bit about my dad instead.  About his kind and generous heart and most importantly, about his humble ways. 

After his death family and friends have been sharing about moments of grace and generosity they experienced with my dad.

Three cousins on both sides of the families (my dad’s siblings and my mom’s brother in law who happened to be one of my dad’s best friends), shared about how my dad was so present in the lives of their loved ones in the dying days, during their dying hours.  When his loved ones were critically ill, and then actively dying, my dad would get on a bus to travel miles and miles to be by their side and help them in any way he could, and make sure they knew they were loved and cared for.  He did the same for family and loved one in our hometown.  My dad stopped driving in his early 70’s, but transportation was never an issue when he wanted to help someone.  He walked the miles both ways and made sure that he was present for his friends in their dying moments.  My dad was a man of few words, he preferred to go unnoticed, but he had a heart of gold.  

One of my cousins shared that every time my dad would leave their house after visiting their dad, when my uncle was on his dying bed, her brother would go out to offer my dad a ride only to find my dad walking home already with tears in his eyes, sad about his friend and not being able to do more for him.  My mom has shared endless stories with me about the grief my dad carried after loosing my uncle, his best friend. 

Another cousin shared with me recently about the time when his own father, my dad’s youngest brother became critically ill with a heart condition and later died at the age of 65.  My dad left our hometown by bus and traveled for 10 hours to be by his brother’s side at the hospital, keeping him company and helping him in any way he could. My cousin said that they would say to him “Tio Fero, go to my house to rest, and eat,” and my dad would respond, I’m not leaving your father’s side until he leaves this hospital with me.  They would bring my dad food and whatever he needed to the hospital so he could be by his brother 24/7. 

My mom shared a few other stories similar to those, of my dad keeping watch by his loved ones dying beds, neglecting himself of sleep and food at times, but making sure they knew they had him by their side.  That was my dad.  Quiet, some of an introvert, but a gentle, loving heart. Always wanting to help others, when he could hardly help himself. 

God rewarded his good deeds at the end of his earthly journey.  Although my dad suffered at the end of his life from his sudden illness, he had the greatest blessing of having my two brothers day and night by his side. They never left him alone.  They kept him company, they helped him shave, eat, they played his favorite songs on his earphones, and shared stories with him.  My youngest brother, prayed with him endlessly, blessed him and we were even fortunate enough to be able to find a priest that could assist him with the sacrament of the anointing of sick.  My youngest brother shared with me that when he placed a scapular over his head, my dad smiled the biggest smile.  I am certain that my dad died peacefully and was greeted by angels and martyrs and all of those loved ones that he assisted so lovingly during their dying moments.

Happy one month heavenly birthday, dad!  We love you, please guide us on our earthly journey and pray for us.  Pray for me, I need all the prayers I can get. ❤️

Saturday, February 13, 2021

Today was quite a day, I don’t even know where to begin.

I woke up in a state of somber again today.  The moment I open my eyes is like the Niagara Falls are overwhelming.  I actually developed some type of dry, red sore on the sides of my eyes from crying, I didn’t even know that could happen. I’ve been nursing it with eye cream, but it hurts. 

This morning I had an appointment with a priest friend to get some of the feelings I’ve been feeling lately, out.  I had so many questions, and I needed answers.  I thought I knew almost everything about church and faith, I guess your perspective changes things when you are grieving.  I almost cancelled because I couldn’t stop crying, and I didn’t want to show up the way I looked and I felt.  I texted and said “fair warning, I’m a bit of a mess right now...” he replied, “come as you are.” That was enough for me to allow myself to be completely vulnerable and accept the help I went looking for, myself.  I’m glad I didn’t cancel my appointment.  I’m glad I showed up.  I’m glad I wasn’t embarrassed of my feelings and my emotions and my tears and my questions and my doubts and my anger and everything I was feeling.  I’m glad I was listened to and guided through my pain.  I still have a LONG journey ahead in my healing process, but this meeting helped me a whole lot, end I even felt my body a little lighter after the time we spent talking.

GRIEF.  What a profound feeling.  I heard it many times before. I never really experienced it.  I wish I never had, but now I’m welcoming the lessons it’s teaching me.  I will never, ever look at life the same way.  I will walk through life in full awareness and appreciation for everything, starting with life itself, my family and the unconditional love and support of friends that with their tender loving care are helping me heal my wounds. 

Today, I also had an amazing conversation with a friend who has experienced great loss recently.  Loss and grief too hard to comprehend.  It was actually comforting knowing that someone understood my level of grief, my doubts, my anger and the nonsense that sometimes surrounds our lives.  We talked for two hours straight and we could’ve talked for more.  We cried a lot, I hope some of our tears were healing.  It will take time, but I’m thankful for my friendships through grief, it’s a different type of connection, it’s raw and it’s real. 

Going to work today and working from home helped me a lot!  The distraction is great, I don’t know how I could go on if I didn’t have that type of distraction. 

Today, friends showered us with food and treats, it was such a great blessing. The doorbell rang on and off all day pretty much, from the tastiest homemade BBQ ribs and mashed potatoes and veggies, with cake and DQ coffee to later a huge pizza and frozen yogurt with fresh fruit for everyone at home.  It was nice to be able to sit at the table as a family and enjoy dinner together.  There were spontaneous tears by my girls remembering their uncle and talking about emails and messages he had sent them, and how amazing of a light he shined in the world, and then of course, I cried seeing them cry and Stan shed a few tears too remembering my brother, he loved him dearly too.

Two of Michelle’s best friends dropped off a BEAUTIFUL flower arrangement and the sweetest sympathy card, also a get well gift for Michelle. It really humbles me to see the kindness of my girls’ friends and their own awareness and empathy for our grief and what we are going through. What a blessing that is.

We still miss my dad of course and sometimes I feel guilty not talking about him so much because my brother’s loss feels SO excruciating, but I’m honoring his life just as much in my heart and in my mind.  I have to continue to give myself time, and grace and learn to be patient.

I don’t yet know when I’ll be able to wake up and start another day not feeling a deep, heavy sense of loss about the absence of my brother.  I hope I get there sooner than I think it will happen.  It hasn’t been been a week yet, I have to be patient with myself. 

My mom and brother said to me today they were worried about me.  They checked on me a few times during the day.  I don’t mean to worry them, but I think my pain and grief is so much deeper because I haven’t had closure of any kind.  Being so far away and not being part of any of their goodbyes, has been heart wrenching.  This coming Saturday, we are celebrating their lives with a memorial Mass at the church where I work, and although I know it will be very painful for me, I’m hopeful that it will help me have some closure and begin my healing journey.

Sometimes we have to do tough things in life, and this is one of them. 

It’s almost midnight and I’m hoping to be able to get a good night sleep.  Hopefully I won’t cry when I wake up in the morning, but if I do, I’ll gladly welcome my tears, as they too, speak of the great love I had for my dad and brother. 

Good day. Good night. ❤️

Friday, February 12, 2021

I’m sitting in the kitchen, staring at the memorial tribute little corner I created for my sweet brother on a desk counter of the kitchen and thinking many things. I’ve cried a lot today, I thought the tears would be subsiding by now, but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case.  I never realized how fast I almost had come to terms with loosing my father.  Yes, I miss him a LOT, and I’m sad that I won’t ever have another conversation with him, but he lived a long and good life.  My brother, not so much.  He still had a LOT to give to the world, to himself and to us, he was snatched from our arms and we didn’t get a say in it, not even a goodbye.  His death hurts a lot and will hurt for as long as I can breath, I hope the pain will lessen with time though. 

I managed to get in the shower today, cry a little more there, showers are great for healing the soul, and then get dressed to go to my office to work on a few things.  I cried a lot there too, every time someone asked “how are you doing?” but I’m glad I got that out of the way, it has to be done.

I enjoyed my coffee today in a beautiful coffee cup my sweet friend Lisa and her daughter Alaina dropped off for me yesterday in a beautiful care basket with all kinds of self care treats, from lotions to chapstick (she knows I love them 😍), to flowers and all kinds of amazing things.  I’m actually treating myself to a spa day tomorrow with all the fun and perfectly hand picked things. I’m looking forward to that.

Today, my mother shared with me that my brother JR used to always greet her in the mornings with “I love you” in Chinese.  My brother LOVED the language and knew it well.  She didn’t know that today we celebrate the Chinese New Year, what an amazing coincidence, I almost felt my brother’s presence through her sharing on this special day.  To make it even more special, our friends the Herman’s who have been almost literally holding us by the hand and guiding our dark days with their light and love and care during this horrible ordeal, dropped off Chinese dinner for us tonight so we could also celebrate and be worry free as far as dinner goes.  It was the first time in many days that our family was able to sit down at the table together and eat, and talk, and celebrate the gift of being together.  Stan said the table blessing before we ate, and tears inundated his eyes as he gave thanks and asked for blessings for our family and friends.  This has touched all of us in a deep and unique way. 

Oh, I can’t forget a delicious box of cookies kindness of one of Michelle’s sweetest friend and her super sweet boyfriend who I met a few months ago.  Every time I open a box of cookies, or candy, or meal or card, or whatever it is, I know it comes wrapped with so much love and care and I bless the hands and hearts that took the time to do that. 

It’s midnight, I just finished working, catching up on the days I haven’t been able to be present at work, but this work distraction was good for me.

My brother sent me a text that I saw just as I was logging off from work and it just said “what are you doing? Got a minute? Call me!” My heart DROPPED!!! I told him, never, ever to be so to the point like that again, to start the message with “everything is ok...” I can’t take it anymore.  And yes, everything is fine, he wanted to catch me up on all the errands and paperwork he took care of today for my dad and brother.  Paperwork doesn’t have deadlines, no matter how deep in grief you are. I’m thankful for my brother that he’s doing that, while working and taking care of mom as well.

Another day survived in grief land, my new dwelling place, that I’m learning to welcome and learn from it and it’s allowing me to find grace in the midst of it all.  I am thankful for the sparks of wisdom that show me glimpses of hope. 💛

Wo ai ni, baby brother! I love you, and I miss you even more. Send us your peace and your blessings. 

Thursday, February 11, 2021

Today is my mom’s name day, today is the day of Our Lady of Lourdes, my mom’s name is Maria de Lourdes, which happens to be my full name as well, but ever since I came to live in the US I decided to keep and go only my first name so it’d be easier for people to address me and pronounce the name, Lourdes is a little more complex in pronunciation. But my name of Baptism and the name I connect with myself will ALWAYS be, Maria de Lourdes, and I couldn’t be more proud of it. 

Our Lady of Lourdes is the Roman Catholic name of the Blessed Virgin Mary venerated in honor of the Marian apparitions that occurred in 1858 in the vicinity of Lourdes in France, not too long ago if we think about it, not even two centuries ago, my grandparents’ parents family lived during that time.

My mom has always loved celebrating her name day, even more than her birthday I think.  I mean, she loves  celebrating her birthday too, she has always loved a good celebration, but her name day has always been extra special to her.  

My mom’s aunt, “Tia Ita”, who was my grandmother’s middle sister, never married.  She lived a pristine and honorable life her entire life, I remember going to her house for breakfast, she loved making us breakfast, we would sit at her kitchen table that was pushed against a wall with a with a big window facing the patio.  I can still smell the toasted bread and eggs, see her bugambilia trees and hear the birds outside, I remember those days vividly.

Why am I telling a story about “La Tía Ita” now? Well, because Tia Ita was always the first person showing up at our house for my mother’s name day when we were growing up.  She was always so impecable, and so elegant.  I remember the taxi pulling up (she never drove), and her getting out of the car so elegantly, carrying a perfectly wrapped gift in her hands, greeting my mom and sitting down at the kitchen table to chat and enjoy maybe a cup of coffee and sweets.  Every year in the day of Our Lady of Lourdes, I think of her. 

Although I’m far away from my mom right now, I’m wrapping her with love and many, many blessings to last a lifetime, and by lifetime, I’m hoping at least a century.  My sweet, loving and faithful mother deserves an ocean of blessings and love. 

And I won’t share about anything else here right now, because I want to honor this day celebrating the gift of her life which has blessed so many along the way. ❤️

Wednesday, February 10, 2021

You don’t want to know where I’m sitting, what I’m looking at, or how I look.  It’s not pretty, but it’s real. Not every day comes with a pretty and quiet corner of the house looking out at the “pretty” snow outside my window and meditating.  I have a better word for those “too good for people grieving” sentiments right now, but I’ll keep it to myself.  

Will the pain of loosing my brother ever go away? Will at least be more bearable? I know what he would say to me if I went to him with this predicament, “cry all you have to cry, sister.  Cry, scream, be mad, don’t apologize for it and be good to yourself, take good care of yourself. Go for a walk, eat something delicious, journal, do the things that make you happy.”

Those are exactly the things he would say to me, it’s like I can almost hear him.  Every time I’ve experienced pain and disappointment in my life, he was the first person I went to for advice and he never ever made me feel ashamed about my feelings, instead, he encouraged them, but he above all, he always encouraged me to find joy in life, to look after myself and to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, like a cup of coffee, my journaling and food, he knew what I loved best. 

Dear brother, I promise you that I’ll continue my quest for all things joyful in life eventually. In the meantime, in the happy place that I know you are right now, please pray for me, pray so that I find peace in your absence and the void of your sweet, gentle end warm embrace.  I will carry you with me wherever I go, forever, until we are reunited again. 💙

Tuesday, February 9, 2021

Tuesday, February 9, 2021.  The worst day of my life.  A day, I will never be able to forget. Not only the day, but the raw feelings and emotions my entire body is feeling. Soul, heart, every square inch of my physical body.  Pain I never felt before.  Grief, that took over my entire body; I felt the grief of loosing my brother even in my teeth, yes, my TEETH, imagine that.  I thought all of my teeth would fall off, that’s how much my teeth and my jaw hurt on and off during the day today. 

Wait, what did I just say??? Loosing my brother? Yes, that’s right. 

SO unfair, so not right, I’m sorry brother that this had to happen to you, you didn’t deserve it, not for one second. 

I’m angry, I’m very angry.  I’m sad, I’m very sad too.  And I’m scared.  I’m scared at the thought of never again be able to feel joy the same way I did before. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why the good ones??? I guess, we will never know, or maybe one day we will. 

My brother Jesús Ramón leaves a HUGE, IMMENSE, BIG void in our lives, but the only consolation I have is that he knew how much I loved him.  We talked every day, and often.  Nobody could ever make me laugh as much as he did.  He had brains of a genius, he was a genius, he was also the softest and sweetest and kindest person and I was a good sister to him.  He called me sister.  He never called me by my name. SISTER.  I will make sure I write that name often and everywhere and I pray that as I do, I feel his love. 

I hope that the moment his soul left the body that carried him through his earthly journey, a big, huge and happy group of people that loved him here on earth, starting with my father and my grandmother, were there to greet him. Free of pain, free of despair, free. 

I will always love you brother, ALWAYS! ❤️

Monday, February 8, 2021

I’m sitting in the living room all by myself.  Michelle has gone to sleep, she’s been really tired lately after surgery.  Bella is playing some computer game with a friend and Stan is making lunch for tomorrow. 

I’m feeling many feelings tonight.  I’m tired in so many ways, and a little sad that we haven’t been able to do life as we always do at home, things seem to be so chaotic and so out of sorts right now. I like structure, discipline, organization, there is none of that these days, my mind is in too many places at once and I can’t seem to get the energy I need to get things “together” when I get home from work, all I want to do is do nothing. Oh well, I guess that too shall pass.

Today, Stan’s nephew and his sweetest wife (they just married last July), knocked on our front door and left, Amazon style. 😉 We opened the door to find two gift bags, greeting cards, a HUGE pot of homemade mushroom soup and a super large container of freshly made and delicious lasagna.  One gift bag and greeting card was for Michelle, the other for me. One card in memory of my dad, and the sweetest Hallmark angel for thoughts and prayers for my family.  The kindness of people truly amazes me.  It was super lovely to be able to enjoy a homemade meal, and not have to cook tonight, I had already planned a night for leftovers, you can only do so much. 

We continue to worry a lot about my youngest brother, Jesús.  On some days I feel like I can handle it all, and other days (like tonight) life feels so unfair and I feel so helpless.  We are helpless really.  My brother Will had to run a few errands for him today.  Because of my brother’s lack of health insurance, he’s in a public hospital where they provide medical care and you have to supply the majority of their needs.  Prescription medicine, nutrition, medical bedding needs, etc. I experienced how the system works the last time he was gravely ill and hospitalized five years ago, and it’s agonizing getting the information from the medical staff, and then literally having to run all over town to get the medicine and things they need as fast as you can.  It’s draining in every way. Emotionally, physically, financially, and at times, spiritually.  It takes a toll on you.  I cannot even imagine now my brother Will getting those calls first hand, getting a report on my brother JR which is not great these days, end then having to arm yourself with strength and bravery to go out hunting for those meds to drop them off, not even able to see your brother.  Ugh, I shouldn’t be overthinking the scenarios, but I can’t help it, I’ve lived it, I know how it is, and I can tell you right now, it’s not pretty and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 

I really pray that one day I will be able to help as many people as I can outside in there hospital.  The families that keep guard outside of that hospital waiting to see when they will get a call from the staff about medicine they need. Families in great need.  I want to be able to look for  resources for them and get the help they need for their loved ones during their very difficult times.  It’s not until someone experiences something like that, that you realize how sheltered our lives are. 

I keep praying for my brother every day, all day, and until my eyes can’t stay open at night anymore.  I keep picturing him playing the piano, and sharing his writing pieces with me and telling me about his plans and his dreams and his philosophical way of looking at life, and it HURTS!!! It hurts, because instead, he’s laying in some hospital bed in the ICU, hooked up to tubes and machines, unresponsive and we don’t know what every day will bring. 

I will continue to lift him up in prayer.  To say his name as many times as I think of him during the day, because I know that when I say his name, when I think of him, God knows I’m praying for his healing.  

I’ve never been a very patient person, I’ll admit that, but this has been the toughest test for me. 

I want the people that I love healed and well, here and there.  I want simplicity.  I want to feel boredom.  I want to be able to complain about something unimportant and stupid, because there is nothing to complain or talk about.  I want normalcy and I want it to stay for a long time!!! 

I was really hoping I could have a more uplifting page to offer today, but then, life happened and this is me.  Hey, at least, I really loved and enjoy my cookie with my coffee this morning, the projects I worked on at the office, and definitely LOVED the mushroom soup end lasagna.  There you go, that’s my silver lining for today, I’ll take it. ❤️

Sunday, February 7, 2021

Today was a super blah day for me.  I really wanted to relax and not worry about too much, but who am I kidding, duh, it’s 2021! At least, I managed to stay in bed a little longer than expected and treated to coffee in bed delivered by Stan.  I think that short moment in bed, with my coffee and my thoughts was my favorite part of the day, relaxing and quiet will have to wait, and I’ll enjoy it even more when the day comes.  I’m kind of looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, at least I get to be creative there and stay distracted. 

Something fabulous happened to my mom and my brother Will today, and as I heard them tell the story, I knew it had to be the hand of God in it. Every second of it.

My brother and my mom were telling me that this morning they woke up talking about how they would manage picking up my mom’s monthly prescriptions at the hospital today or in the next day or so.  They have a very interesting system for prescription and over the counter meds pick up in Mexico.  Usually, the patient or his/her power of attorney has to go in person to the hospital to pick them up.  You have to go and stand in line, and go to a few different areas of the hospital to pick up all the things you need, a few here, a few there.  In my mom’s case, she’s been taking the same meds (prescription and over the counter) for a few years now and of course they know the drill by now, it’s quite the system.  My dad used to pick up my mom’s prescriptions, it was an “errand” day for him usually, something they planned in advance.  When Covid started and my parents couldn’t really risk going anywhere, my youngest brother Jesús was the assigned person to run that errand which is usually not all that pleasant.  Now that both my mom and brother Will are the only ones able to do it, and they are both just starting to recover from their illness, it was a tough decision to make, but one that had to be made because my mom needed those meds. 

Needless to say, my mom shared this afternoon that as my brother and her were trying to figure out how and when they’d be able to do that, the house phone rang and it was a family friend calling to check in and then proceeded to say that she was at my mom’s hospital running an errand for herself and was wondering if they needed anything from there!!! Wow! Of course, they were ecstatic but doubted she could be of any help since she is not on the list of people with permission to pick up her medicine.  She said to my brother, “send me your mom’s health insurance and I’ll see what I can do!”  

That hospital has very strict rules and you either abide to them or you are out.   My brother sent the picture, their friend went up to counter #1 to see if she could get part of my mom’s prescriptions, and if she did, she’d go to counter #2 and so forth to complete her monthly supply.  As she approached the counter, the pharmacists working the counter said to her that she’d be HAPPY to help her and then proceeded to say to her, “no worries, you don’t have to go anywhere else, I’ll take care of all her needs at this counter.”  She walked away, and after a few minutes came back with my mom’s prescriptions and over the counter needs.  No questions asked, no explanations, simply unheard of, doesn’t happen!  Our friend was simply amazed and so were my mom and brother.  On her way out, she sanitized all of the boxed and bottles for them, and stopped to pick up some of my mom’s favorite cookies and chocolate bars to drop off along the meds.

GOD present in their lives, in our lives everyday, in the ordinary in extraordinary ways.  Both my brother and mom were so amazed by that little miracle that happened today, I could hear the excitement in their voices when we talked on speaker phone today. 

Speaking of speaker phones.  On our daily phone conversation today, my brother shared that the doctor at the hospital where my brother is hospitalized called this afternoon to share that my brother’s oxygen level improved a bit and they were able to lower down the amount of oxygen my brother is getting through the machine and they were able to sit him up a little.  They had him facing down before to help his lungs work better and heal faster.  He’s had some issues with his blood pressure, but he’s being treated for that.  He’s still intimated, and still sedated, but we have faith that he will continue to make progress every day, even if it’s a little progress.  He’s still considered critical, but stable and the doctor said we just need to be patient and allow his body to heal.  This will take time, and we must be patient and stay strong in faith and persistent in prayer.

Lord, oh Lord, what a test this year has been so far, but I’m staying strong in faith and giving thanks for the signs of hope and love that are delivered daily, literally at our feet.  SO incredibly thankful for the HELPERS in our lives during this turbulent ride.

Life is amazing, we have so much to learn and so much give.  I hope that I will always look for opportunities to help others, in any way that I can, for I am almost certain that at the end of our lives, after we’ve lived a full life -hopefully and God willing- the question that we will be asked will not be, “who are you? What was your profession? What are your accomplishments?” BUT rather, “what did you do for your brothers and sisters in need during your time on earth?” That little dash that separates our earthly beginning and end is what really matters.  If we really think about it, if we reflect on it, what an AMAZING opportunity and invitation to help it is for us, the need is great and our blessings are many, we must help, we must be there for others. 

Today is day 33 since that terrible day when our lives as we knew it changed forever. I am really looking forward to sunnier skies and healthier days with my family, hugging them, embracing them and rejoicing in the gift of life. ❤️

Saturday, February 6, 2021

I’m sitting in the family room all by myself, it’s quiet in my little corner of the house.  I’m looking out into the deck and watching the snow fall, it’s prettier from here. 😉

Today has been a good day so far and I’m thankful for that.  This morning, Stan, Bella and I attended Stan’s aunt’s funeral, it was a beautiful Mass and Stan offered very touching words of remembrance about his sweet Aunt.

In a strange way (or maybe not so strange), her Mass gave me comfort about the loss of my dad.  He’s been gone for one month now, it just doesn’t even seem possible, how fast time flies. 

The readings at the funeral mass and the priest’s homily were so touching and I found comfort and consolation in the promise of eternal life that our faith teaches us.  I was also very thankful for the many years that my dad was part of our lives, just like Stan’s aunt.  Age will never take away the sadness of loosing a loved one, but I find comfort in knowing that we were blessed with their lives for many years. 

After church, we picked up a lox and bagels breakfast at a new local breakfast restaurant and they were delicious!!! I could eat lox everyday, I love it so much! They served there on a toasted bagel, with cream cheese, sliced red onions, sliced tomatoes, capers, cucumbers and wild cold smoke salmon, YUM!!! Can you tell I love them?! 😍

I talked to my mom briefly this morning. She had just had breakfast and was praying.  My mom prays a lot and often, she always has, more now I’m sure.  She was telling me that a family friend tells her when she talks to her on the phone, “please send a few amens this way, I need some!” Haha, that’s awesome! My mom sure knows how to deliver amens and you better believe she’d pray for you if you ask her. 

Stan said to me when I was on the phone with my mom, “ask about your brother!” I motioned to him, “not now!” I couldn’t at that moment, the thought itself made me tremble. I’ll wait patiently for an update later today, and I PRAY he’s made some progress towards his recovery today, even if it’s a tiny bit of it. 

I’m finishing off my third cookie of the day with my second cup of coffee, that’s right!  I’m excited about SNL tonight, I haven’t watched in ages, but Dan Levy is hosting and I love him so I’ll sacrifice some sleep to watch him and laugh a little... or a lot! I need all the smiles and laughter I can get these days! 

My big girl is waiting for me to start a movie.  I’m done with work, and my plan is to relax the rest of today and tomorrow. I hope that’s attainable. 🥰

Friday, February 5, 2021

This morning I woke up literally exhausted.  Physically exhausted.  I think that after stressing so much about Michelle’s health issues, hospitalizations and surgery and then yesterday finally knowing that she was ok, and that surgery went very well, my body relaxed and I allowed all the heaviness I was feeling in regards of that to release that tension, which resulted in my body feeling exhausted.

I managed to get up, jump in the shower, blow up my hair and leave for work.  No time for a cup of coffee, I had a meeting I needed to attend and I was running late, but I was thankful for my cup of coffee at work. 

Work today was really busy for me, but I got a lot done and I was once again very thankful for the distraction of a regular work day.  I really do love my job and the people I have the privilege to serve through this church ministry, I feel very blessed by all the people that cross my path at the church office and place of worship while I’m at work.  A Holy ground indeed.

Today was a tough day for me emotionally, a very tough day.  I cried a few times, I howled at least once, that deep, agonizing inhaling and exhaling of air instead of screaming at the top of your lungs “WHY???” I closed my office door once, I was too ashamed of my sudden burst of tears as images of my brother crossed my mind.

Then, I called my mother to say hello, as I do every day, and she shared with me that my youngest brother Jesús was really struggling in the ICU of the hospital.  I tried to keep it “cool” with her and not show too much emotion, because she sounded so incredibly calm, almost in a divine way if that makes any sense at all.  I don’t know how she manages to be that way. 

As she was explaining the current situation with my brother, she said “our lives are in God’s hands, we are praying, it’s His will.”, and as she spoke those words she said “continue to lift up your brother in prayer, and also please pray for your uncle who is hospitalized with Covid.”  I knew about my uncle, I’ve been praying for him, but in that very moment, when I had just found that my brother had a bit of a setback, I wanted ALL prayers and attention on HIM! I’m embarrassed to say that I was a bit overprotective and selfish of my prayers.  I just didn’t want to “distract” God, with any other petitions at the moment, I was feeling so consumed with my own grief. 

My mother’s gift of love, prayer and faith lit the way for me.  Without knowing, without intentionally showing me, SHE taught me a huge lesson today.  To let go and let God, and that in our own suffering we can also be of support to others in need.  I attended a prayer service at church tonight called Holy Hour.  One entire hour dedicated to payer end reflection. I prayed a lot for my brother, I also prayed for my uncle, and for all those in need of prayer right now, especially those suffering from Covid. 

I came home today to find a beautiful bouquet of delicious cookies from a dear friend.  A friend that has walked her own agonizing journey of grief and who continues to show me with her life and care for others, what faith and strength looks like.  Supporting others while carrying your own sorrows seems to be the new life goal.  Not easy to do, but we are nourished by nourishing others and that is so crucial in living a joyful life. 

A few minutes before the office closed today, a sweet parishioner walked in with a plateful, a very huge and generous plate full of homemade cookies.  Heart shaped, sprinkled, oatmeal, chocolate chip ones, Rice Krispie cookies, and who knows what other deliciousness is hiding under all of those cookies.  She walked in JUST as I was hanging up from my mom and I was trying to swallow my emotions.  I managed “a little” to keep it together, but that plateful of cookies, sure put a smile on my face. 

Speaking of kindness.  A gentleman that attends one of our early morning masses, and who doesn’t know a thing about what I’m going through right now, dropped off a made from scratch loaf of artisan bread that looks simply delicious and which I know will go in the toaster tomorrow to enjoy with my first cup of coffee. 

It felt as if God Himself was looking down, putting feelings into people’s hearts and whispering “our girl needs some sweets and carbs today, bring them on!” 😍😂

My heart has been feeling feelings I’ve never felt before.  Some I don’t recognize, some I don’t love, some I embrace, and some, I want to ignore.  Grief is a lot more complicated than I ever expected.  It’s a journey I have been chosen to live, to experience and learn from.  I don’t think I’ll ever look at life the way I used to, impossible! 

Another day of joys, struggles, laughs, tears and a generous amount of GRATITUDE. 

Thursday, February 4, 2021

I’m sitting in our family room, with my feet on the ottoman looking out the window at the pretty fresh snow.  I’m really, really tired from today, but this is my sacred daily moment and I’m enjoying it fully with a cup of coffee and two truffles. 

My alarm went off at 4:45 am and Michelle was already in the shower.  We were out the door by 5:30 am for Michelle’s surgery check in at 6:00 am.  I was SO exhausted I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the day. 

Michelle was wheeled into the OR just a few minutes after the original plan because they had some issues with a test that had to be done before surgery.  I was really nervous about her surgery I’m not going to lie and I asked a lot of questions to the operating team of nurses and doctor that came in to do her prep work.  Having had a lot of female issues myself in the past, I wanted to have some peace of mind that everyone was on the same page as far as what they were doing today. Of course, THEY knew, I was just being a concerned mom and they understood, especially the OR nurse in charge, she was amazing.  The surgeon who has been my ObGyn forever and with whom I’ve had at least three surgeries, made me feel at peace the moment he walked into the room.  I trust his knowledge and his ability to resolve unexpected problems in the OR, he’s known for that.  Can’t you tell I really admire him?! 😊

Anyways, Michelle’s surgery was a success and she’s already feeling better thank goodness.  She’s still a little groggy and in pain, but she’s more like herself and already talkative and smiling, something she hasn’t been able to do for days!  I’m so thankful!!! She has a follow up in two weeks and they will decide when she can fly back to New York, that continues to be on hold, but it’s ok, health first!

A dear family friend dropped off dinner for our family tonight a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  Dinner tonight felt like a breath of fresh air in the Sahara.  It was nice not to have to worry about what we were eating after such a long week/day.  It was Michelle’s first solid food in three days and she was smiling from ear to ear during dinner.  Beyond thankful for that act of kindness and generosity. ❤️

I’ve talked to my mom this morning and texted with my brother Will.  Just before dinner my phone rang, it was Will’s number and my heart literally dropped! He’s not the kind that calls just to say “hi”.  I answered fearfully and I immediately screened his voice.  Before asking “how’s everything?” I wanted to be reassured by the tone of his voice.  

He was calling to give me an update about mg brother Jesús.  No much change there.  He’s critical, but stable.  Intubated, undergoing treatment, sedated and they had to give him blood pressure medicine today because he had some issues with that, but his kidneys are functioning well, and that’s important.  There is a lot going and I feel like we are relieving the nightmare of his hospitalization four years ago.  I am PRAYING he turns around soon, starts making progress and he doesn’t have to be in the hospital for as long as he was last time.  What a journey... what a journey.  We continue to lift him up in prayer, healing thoughts and wrapping him with love. 

My mom and Will had a good day today, and they continue to make progress, thank God. ❤️

Tonight, I’m feeling very thankful for the success of Michelle’s surgery today, blessed by the gift of health care, and an amazing medical group we can trust.  Grateful for the delicious food delivered at our door wrapped in love, thankful for my faith and even the tears I shed this morning on the phone with a friend while sitting in the parking lot of the hospital all by myself while I waited for Michelle to be out of surgery.  

Healing tears, yummy food and awesome medical news made for a perfect respite that my soul so much needed today. ❤️

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

A super long work day for me, but I’m thankful to have something to get my mind off other worrisome things.  Too much time on my hands right now, I think would be almost harmful for my mental well-being, so for that, I’m thankful! ❤️

I am a little tired and tomorrow is a big, long day for us, so the sooner I go to sleep, the better.

Michelle is scheduled to have surgery at 8 am tomorrow. We have to be at the hospital by 6 am, which means wake up call is at 4:30 am or so, since the hospital is 30 minutes away, yikes!  I’ll definitely be taking a nap at some point tomorrow... I hope! 😁

Praying, praying for a successful surgery, and full and speedy recovery for Michelle. ❤️

It’s 9 pm and I just got off the phone with my mom and brother Will. This morning, they had more blood work done to check their lungs and Covid numbers and they are doing even better than the previous blood work on Saturday, thanks be to God for their improvement and being restored back to health.  They still have a few more days of treatment and then rest and recovery, but they are both on a good path for a full recovery, I am SO happy!!!  Keeping up the prayers for them as well, for a complete recovery.

My brother Jesús continues to be in critical condition, it’s very hard to picture him in that hospital bed in ICU, hooked up to machines and alone, well, with no family members or friends by his side.  God will get us through this also.  We are praying unceasingly for him, for his complete and speedy recovery.  We just want to get REALLY good news from the hospital and know that he will be ok! Please continue to pray for him and his recovery. 🙏🏻

I am really looking forward to the day when I can go home to Mexico to visit for a few weeks and just be there, enjoying the company of my family, loving them, embracing them, and taking in all the blessings of these moments.  

I’ve learned a lot about grief, and loss and life in general in the past month.  Who would’ve thought that 2021 would strike the way it did for us.  I continue to pray for our health, but also, for a lot of strength to get through this with optimism, hope, and FAITH. 

I think I’ll finish my chai late now and then go to sleep. Good night! ❤️

Tuesday, February 2, 2021

It’s been quite a day, but 2021 has proven to be “quite a day, every day”, or so it seems.

It was a good day actually, filled with some joys, lots accomplished at work, a few tears here and there and even some delicious food enjoyed. A good day. 

Speaking of tears, I’ve noticed lately that every time I tell my current life story to someone “new”, someone that hasn’t heard it, by simply asking “how are you doing?”, the moment I even try to say the basic, I can’t contain the tears.  For the majority of the day, I pretty much can complete a day with only a few tears here or there and if I’m lucky, no tears, but sometimes, if it’s a random encounter and I get to share some of my story and that person really listens and asks questions, it’s like the Niagara Falls run wild and I find myself apologizing, even though I don’t have to because the other person completely understands.  Caring, compassionate and empathetic humans.  Anyways, I’m feeling those feelings today and I thought I’d write them down.

I got a call today from my 95 year old priest friend.  He wanted to know how I was doing and what he could do to help. How amazing is that?! I’m truly blessed with great, and holy friends that are GOOD, and caring people.

Speaking of holy, church that is, I attended daily Mass this morning because it was a special feast and I was taking some pictures for church’s social media and I was overwhelmed by the love and support I received from parishioners who have been so caring.  Their kindness is sometimes my biggest comfort, being a church lady these days is one of my greatest gifts. 

Michelle had her ObGyn appointment yesterday and it was decided that she will have surgery this Thursday to wash out the blood and fluid from the cyst rupture and pelvic infection and remove the ovarian cyst which is a good size according to the scans.  Michelle started a fluid diet today and tomorrow is “take all that nasty me dice to clean your colon” kind of day, yikes!!! I’ve had a few surgeries myself where I’ve had to take that stuff and is so yuck, I’m not even telling her about it, but she’ll figure it out soon. 😬

What a rollercoaster of a year it has been for her already, my goodness!!! I pray that this will be what heals her fully so she can start her new life in NYC, her favorite place, doing what she loves.  The day will come soon, and I’m excited for her.  That day will taste a lot sweeter after all this ordeal.

My mom continues to make progress, doing her nebulizer treatments and taking her medicine, and so is my brother Will.  We have been humbled by the kindness of people who have been dropping off food for them every day, I hope one day I can thank them all in person in some way.  I’m so grateful!!! 

My brother Jesús Ramón is hanging in there, still intubated, but the doctor said that his oxygen level is very good and they are hopeful that if he continues like that, they can start weaning him off the sedatives so they can remove the breathing machines.  We literally spend all day by the phone, waiting and waiting for updates.  It’s almost excruciating waiting for news.  I’m praying that soon he will be breathing on his own and bouncing back to full health. ❤️

I started today with a cup of coffee and a slice of birthday cake, and I think that’s how I’m going to end it. Don’t mind if I do! 😉🍰☕️🥰

Monday, February 1, 2021

HAPPY FEBRUARY! 💛

The sun is shinning brighter than I’ve seen it shine in a long time.  I’m sitting in the peace and quiet of my living room, the bay window is reflecting the sunshine directly to the area where I’m sitting, I can feel the sun in my body and in my soul, and I’m welcoming it’s warmth in every way. 

Last night was the first night I’ve been able to sleep through the night in almost a month.  Almost 7 straight hours of sleep felt like a huge blessing and even though I woke up with a touch of a migraine, I was able to address it immediately and now I’m enjoying my cup of coffee, migraine free and it feels glorious.  Ordinary blessings will always be my favorite moments in life. 

Michelle is feeling a lot better today, thank goodness!!! The antibiotics definitely helped and so did the pain meds.  Her coloring is better and she’s smiling and she even had breakfast.  Sounds like nothing, but it’s everything!  I’m so thankful for a better today.  She has a follow up appointment with her ObGyn today at 3 pm and he will decide if surgery is needed and/or what the next step will be to fix all the issues she has going on.

I talked to my mom this morning and she sounds good, a little congested but that always happens right after she does a nebulizer treatment, but she sounded happy, more like herself and that made me happy too. My brother Will seemed a little more upbeat too, and feels good, better.  Thank God for the progress made every day.

I’m stil waiting for an update about my brother Jesús.  My brother Will hasn’t gotten a call from the hospital yet, they call once a day to give a report.  Praying for good news, and also progress about my brother Jesús Ramón.  God is good and I keep praying that soon they will be able to remove the intubation and that he will respond positively to that change also, so he can be moved out of ICU to a regular floor of the hospital for recovery and then go home to continue his recovery.  Praying incessantly. 

I’m working from home today, allowing my body to rest a little, and then driving Michelle to her doctor’s appointment.  Being home today is definitely what I needed, and I’m thankful for the opportunity to be able to remote in and do my work as if I were at the office.  Big blessing.

We are hoping to celebrate Michelle’s birthday tonight as we had planned to do yesterday.  Homemade pizzas and salad is what’s for dinner and also a yummy and beautiful cake that Bella made from scratch for her sister.  Blowing candles tonight will come with a whole new meaning and I’m excited for that opportunity to celebrate my big girl at home with all of us together. 

Beyond thankful for ALL the people that have been lifting us in prayers, lighting candles, and reaching out.  It has meant the world and I honestly don’t know how I would’ve done it (and continue to do it) any other way. 

I quote Maya Angelou often, she’s one of my favorite poets of all time.  I’ve always admired her wisdom, truth and thirst for realness and life.  In one of her poems she writes: “I come as one, but I stand as 10,000.” 

I came as one, and I stand as 10,000.  10,000 thoughts, 10,000 prayers, and the love of MANY people that multiplied would add up to way more than 10,000, and for all that, I’m very, very grateful and humbled. ❤️

Friday, February 26, 2021

Michelle is making chili for dinner tonight, she’s still not feeling the greatest, but I think she’s making progress.  We are having movie night tonight and Stan is picking up Oberweiss for dessert.  The simple pleasures of life, oh, how we have to live them fully and embrace every one of them.  Thankful for my every day self care whispers. 💙

Friday, February 26, 2021