Tuesday, August 31, 2021
Today we big farewell to the month of August of 2021. A month that has been particularly hard for me as I have anticipated with a great sense of grief, the void I would feel today, on what wouldāve been my brother JRās 47th birthday.
Every day this month I thought about this day. Every day I would feel some level of sadness and anxiety, knowing that I would most likely suffer a great deal today, knowing that my heart would feel heartbroken all over again.
Something interesting happened to me yesterday on my solo day trip to downtown Chicago.
My brother was a big advocate for homeless people, always trying to help them in the best way he could, many times even when he couldnāt even help himself financially. My mom has many stories about his acts of kindness on days heād leave the house to run errands.
Yesterday, as I was crossing Michigan Avenue by The Art Institute of Chicago, a homeless person looked straight at me to get my attention and exclaimed all happy, āitās my birthday tomorrow!ā Big smiles on his face! My heart skipped a beat for a second, I felt a bit confused by the unexpected surprise, especially when my heart was already feeling so heavy anticipating today. In my mind, and in my heart there was no doubt that it was a message from my brother in a special way. It moved something in my heart, a desire to contribute in any way to help the less fortunate in the city, maybe heās guiding me in that direction, the need is certainly great.
Last night as I was getting ready for bed after a long day, all of a sudden I felt an immense sense of peace. Acceptance about the fact that my brother is no longer here in the flesh. And calmness in my heart and in my soul. I felt peace at last. A sense of peace I have not able to feel since he died 203 days ago.
I thought it was a fluke, that the feeling would pass, and Iād be back to where I was before. I could hardly sleep, and then at 6 am I woke up feeling very much at peace. Peace. Peace was my brotherās gift to me on his birthday. Peace in knowing that even though he is not here in the flesh to talk to me, to guide me, to make me laugh, and to journey with me in person, he is with me alwaysā¦ side by side, closer than ever before.
Today we celebrated his birthday doing some of the things he loved. A peaceful walk in nature, and Chinese food for dinner. The girls and I also went to church this morning, Mass was offered in his memory, and our community of faith also prayed for him. After church we went out for coffee and breakfast, and Michelle, Bella, and I talked for a good couple of hours. Outside, enjoying the fresh air -it was a beautiful day today!- and eating delicious food. We told stories about my brother, their favorite memories of him, what we miss most about him, and the many lessons he taught us during his years with us. We all cried, we laughed too, and I know he was right there with usā¦ all the way! š
Today was no doubt a difficult day, but it was also a wonderful day. A day of celebrating my brotherās life, and ALL the love he shared with us during his earthly journey, and the legacy he left behind.
Dear brother JR,
This day was for you. I hope you were celebrated in heaven too, Iām sure you were. We miss youā¦ say hi to dad. We love you bunches, happy birthday!!! š
Monday, August 30, 2021
I had such an amazing day yesterday, I took a solo day trip to do some exploring, trying new eats, and healing my soul a little. Iāve needed all of that for quite some time. Iām doing the same today, on my way to another solo day trip, and Iām already smiling. š„°
I was telling a good friend of mine about my solo day trip yesterday and she asked, āwhat if Stan did that?!ā I said, āI would applaud him and support him 100%!ā And that is the honest truth!!! I would LOVE it if heād go explore by himself one day, but I doubt heād do it. Iāve always been free spirited that way.
Her question made me ponder (of course!). Ponder about relationships, especially about our relationships with our life partners, and children. We are born to life as individuals, we journey with people that become family and close friends through life, but then at the end, we WILL journey back all by ourselves. It is part of life, we canāt change that fact, we canāt avoid it, so why not enjoy that part of our individuality on our own?
I think the ādoing things aloneā part scares some people. We are so used to being around people -especially if our everyday living, involves a family situation- that it seems so extravagant, and out of the ordinary to do things on our own.
I had a friend in High School that taught me the gift of enjoying our own company. Sheād leave her house on weekends to do some exploring on her own, go to the movies, and out to eat. I thought her actions were revolutionary, I had never known anyone that was THAT brave before!!! Surely, I knew brave people, but not that kind. I always admired her for that. I thought she was not only brave, but adventurous, and FUN. That was all wayyyy before social media, which now in my book makes her way cooler!
May we always be adventurous enough to be ourselves, to experience life and things we love to do without the need to always be surrounded by other people. Itās really an awesome experience, I hope you try it too sometime! āļø
On a separate note, today is National Grief Awareness Day. This day couldnāt been recognized any day of the calendar day, but ācoincidentallyā, itās recognized on the day before my brotherās birthday, just as I feel his absence all over again so, so deeply!!!
Itās obvious we donāt need an specific day for grief awareness, but I think itās good that more work and emphasis is put on grief.
What do I wish people knew about grief?
For me personally, I wish they knew grief is very real.
Grief can be felt in every muscle, bone, and inch of your body.
Grief affects physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Grief is lonely.
Grief is very lovely.
Grief is a very lonely journey.
Grief makes you experience life from a different perspective.
Grief makes life so much more valuable.
Grief is an spiritual journey.
Grief is HARD. Grief requires work, forgiveness, acceptance. Grief is a journey for brand new meaning. ā¤ļø
What do YOU wish people knew about grief?
We all feel and experience grief differently. Kindness is key. š
Monday, August 30, 2021
I had such an amazing day yesterday, I took a solo day trip to do some exploring, trying new eats, and healing my soul a little. Iāve needed all of that for quite some time. Iām doing the same today, on my way to another solo day trip, and Iām already smiling. š„°
I was telling a good friend of mine about my solo day trip yesterday and she asked, āwhat if Stan did that?!ā I said, āI would applaud him and support him 100%!ā And that is the honest truth!!! I would LOVE it if heād go explore by himself one day, but I doubt heād do it. Iāve always been free spirited that way.
Her question made me ponder (of course!). Ponder about relationships, especially about our relationships with our life partners, and children. We are born to life as individuals, we journey with people that become family and close friends through life, but then at the end, we WILL journey back all by ourselves. It is part of life, we canāt change that fact, we canāt avoid it, so why not enjoy that part of our individuality on our own?
I think the ādoing things aloneā part scares some people. We are so used to being around people -especially if our everyday living, involves a family situation- that it seems so extravagant, and out of the ordinary to do things on our own.
I had a friend in High School that taught me the gift of enjoying our own company. Sheād leave her house on weekends to do some exploring on her own, go to the movies, and out to eat. I thought her actions were revolutionary, I had never known anyone that was THAT brave before!!! Surely, I knew brave people, but not that kind. I always admired her for that. I thought she was not only brave, but adventurous, and FUN. That was all wayyyy before social media, which now in my book makes her way cooler!
May we always be adventurous enough to be ourselves, to experience life and things we love to do without the need to always be surrounded by other people. Itās really an awesome experience, I hope you try it too sometime! āļø
On a separate note, today is National Grief Awareness Day. This day couldnāt been recognized any day of the calendar day, but ācoincidentallyā, itās recognized on the day before my brotherās birthday, just as I feel his absence all over again so, so deeply!!!
Itās obvious we donāt need an specific day for grief awareness, but I think itās good that more work and emphasis is put on grief.
What do I wish people knew about grief?
For me personally, I wish they knew grief is very real.
Grief can be felt in every muscle, bone, and inch of your body.
Grief affects physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Grief is lonely.
Grief is very lovely.
Grief is a very lonely journey.
Grief makes you experience life from a different perspective.
Grief makes life so much more valuable.
Grief is an spiritual journey.
Grief is HARD. Grief requires work, forgiveness, acceptance. Grief is a journey for brand new meaning. ā¤ļø
Monday, August 30, 2021
I had such an amazing day yesterday, I took a solo day trip to do some exploring, trying new eats, and healing my soul a little. Iāve needed all of that for quite some time. Iām doing the same today, on my way to another solo day trip, and Iām already smiling. š„°
I was telling a good friend of mine about my solo day trip yesterday and she asked, āwhat if Stan did that?!ā I said, āI would applaud him and support him 100%!ā And that is the honest truth!!! I would LOVE it if heād go explore by himself one day, but I doubt heād do it. Iāve always been free spirited that way.
Her question made me ponder (of course!). Ponder about relationships, especially about our relationships with our life partners, and children. We are born to life as individuals, we journey with people that become family and close friends through life, but then at the end, we WILL journey back all by ourselves. It is part of life, we canāt change that fact, we canāt avoid it, so why not enjoy that part of our individuality on our own?
I think the ādoing things aloneā part scares some people. We are so used to being around people -especially if our everyday living, involves a family situation- that it seems so extravagant, and out of the ordinary to do things on our own.
I had a friend in High School that taught me the gift of enjoying our own company. Sheād leave her house on weekends to do some exploring on her own, go to the movies, and out to eat. I thought her actions were revolutionary, I had never known anyone that was THAT brave before!!! Surely, I knew brave people, but not that kind. I always admired her for that. I thought she was not only brave, but adventurous, and FUN. That was all wayyyy before social media, which now in my book makes her way cooler!
May we always be adventurous enough to be ourselves, to experience life and things we love to do without the need to always be surrounded by other people. Itās really an awesome experience, I hope you try it too sometime! āļø
On a separate note, today is National Grief Awareness Day. This day couldnāt been recognized any day of the calendar day, but ācoincidentallyā, itās recognized on the day before my brotherās birthday, just as I feel his absence all over again so, so deeply!!!
Itās obvious we donāt need an specific day for grief awareness, but I think itās good that more work and emphasis is put on grief.
What do I wish people knew about grief?
For me personally, I wish they knew grief is very real.
Grief can be felt in every muscle, bone, and inch of your body.
Grief affects physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Grief is lonely.
Grief is very lovely.
Grief is a very lonely journey.
Grief makes you experience life from a different perspective.
Grief makes life so much more valuable.
Grief is an spiritual journey.
Grief is HARD. Grief requires work, forgiveness, acceptance. Grief is a journey for brand new meaning. ā¤ļø
Sunday, August 29, 2021
Sitting all by myself at a pretty nature center near my home. It rained last night and this morning, the air is a lot cooler than it has been for the last two weeks (thank goodness!!!), and there is a wonderful breeze that is making me very happy.
Iām officially on vacation and that alone makes me happy. I need this time off, I think we all do from time to time, work is great, but so is rest.
My migraine medicine knocked me out completely yesterday, I could barely function, but I feel better today, and thatās all that matters! Iām determined to eat a little healthier today, the last few days/weeks have been no bueno, Iām a stress eater, and Iāve had plenty of that lately, so naturally Iāve gone to food to calm me down, but I canāt let that keep happening.
Every time I reflect on the year 2021 from the very beginning until now, I just cannot believe that SO much can happen to one single family in such short amount of time. Yes, it may seem like itās been only 8 months, but it has been EIGHT months of so much hardship, loss, grief, heartache. I wonāt apologize for being real with my words and my emotions, because if I were to share only the good things, I would have to be less genuine, and thatās not what I do, I choose to wear my heart on my sleeve, with all the colors that life has been sharing with me lately.
I have learned a lot of lessons this year, most of them have been very hard, but I have also realized the love I have in my life, the people that are in it for real, and those relationships that were simply temporary, even when I thought before they were here forever. Change, hardship, struggles, they all put relationships to test, life changes, and the way we view it, because we change too, because all of a sudden we see life from a different perspective, and in my case, life has become a bigger gift than itās ever been, and I am choosing to nurture only those relationships that build me up, that offer genuine love and care, and those who will have my back no matter what. Those people have all my love and appreciation too.
Life is so fragile. Life is so brief. Life is so unexpected and unpredictable. Life is so precious. Life is SO worth living and enjoying to the FULLEST!!! ā¤ļø
May we always live in full awareness of the gifts that surround us. Gifts of life, health, joy, friendship, family, rest, food, safe places to live, and all the things that make life so unbelievably amazing.
As I sit here in my car with my windows open, contemplating life, thinking, reminiscing, a leaf in the shape of a heart flew right inside the car and landed on my lap. Just like that. š
Coincidence? I donāt think so.
Nature, the universe, God, lifeā¦ telling me that I AM loved, that I will be ok, that things will soon be ok, that not all is lost, that love conquers it all.
Thank you for that pretty leaf that made my day today. I will keep in a safe and precious place as a reminder of the love that surrounds me.
Blessings for a joyous and kind day ahead! šæ
Saturday, August 28, 2021
Day one of a much needed vacation, checked! I donāt really have many plans, but having time off feels good.
I watched way too many movies today, and took a long nap. I havenāt been feeling well today, Iāve had a bad migraine since early this morning, and the meds make me super tired and achy, but they forced me to rest which is good I guess?
Coffee on the porch was good today, I love leisure days with nothing much planned.
Iāll call my mom now and call it a day. ā¤ļø
Friday, August 27, 2021
The other day Stan casually approached me as we were getting ready for bed and says āthe hysterectomy plant is doing really well!ā I was like, āwhat?! We have a plant called hysterectomy?!ā And he kind of giggled and said, āNo! Itās the tiny plant you got in a gift basket from a friend of yours when you had a hysterectomy!ā Hahaha! That was almost TEN YEARS ago! Also, is that how plants adopt names?! š¤Ŗ
Needless to say, this plant Stan is speaking of (picture below), came in a gift basket filled with other goodies almost 10 years ago. The āplantā was just a tiny bulb maybe 3-4 back then, and I hardly remember anything about it. Apparently, Stan rescued it from the basket, planted it, and has been caring for it since then. It has grown into a beautiful and healthy plant, and now, thanks to Stan, Iāll be thinking of my hysterectomy days every time I see it! š¤Ŗ
On a completely different note, Iāll share a dream I had last night that left me a little drained in every way.
I had a dream that my dad and my brother were missing, they had disappeared from our home, and no one had seen them again. A stranger on the street I happened to come across said to me, āI might have a phone number to the place where I think they are.ā A family member said to me, ādonāt bother, they wonāt be there!ā And I angrily replied to that person, āwhat do you mean donāt bother?! Donāt you want to find them too, just as much as I do???ā As I said those words, I had a vision of my dad and brother in an unfamiliar place, they seemed ok, they didnāt seem to be ālostā, they almost didnāt seem to remember they had another house.
My alarm woke me up to go to work, and I was left with that feeling of desperately wanting to āfindā them, but also knowing that I couldnāt, and that they were OK!
I hope I can continue to have these dreams, because as much as they are not bringing them back, they sure are giving me some peace, and closure.
Itās been a long day, itās been a good and productive day, and now Iām gratefully enjoying some time on the couch, watching tv, eating watermelon, and just relaxing! š
Let the weekend begin!!! ā¤ļøāļø
Thursday, August 26, 2021
A long, but also somewhat relaxing day. I havenāt had days like this one in a while. I got a lot of projects done at work, and after work Stan and I sat down to watch a movie, it felt good. A lazy Summer day. šæ
Last night I had an incredible opportunity to talk to a dear friend from church for a couple of hours, and by the time I walked back inside my house after she left, my soul felt a little more at peace. Grief changes a lot of things, grief changes US, grief forces us to see life from a different perspective. Grief is different for everyone, and I think only understood by those who have experienced it at a similar level. At least from my point of view.
If someone wouldāve told me prior to loosing a big part of my family this year, loosing my dear brother, that you could physically experience grief in the way that your body and mind functioned at a different level, I wouldāve never believed it or understood that. But it does. Grief changes you in a deep, and profound, profound way.
My conversation with my friend last night out on the porch on a very stormy night, made me realize the importance of having people around yo that GETS our grief, that understands our moments of pain and loss, and people that can offer unconditional support. No questions asked, no judgement, no whys, and definitely no āyouāve grieved long enough, itās time to move on nowā¦ā moments. During moments of grief, love and acceptance is all that is needed.
There are MANY things I will never understand about my brotherās death, I still have many questions, some finger pointing, some doubt, regrets, and even resentment, but one thing I know for sure now is that my perspective on life has fully shifted, the things I worried about or put my attention on before, that left me perhaps a little drained, have zero, no meaning at all anymore. I donāt get impressed by much, I never had, especially now I donāt, I focus on what brings me joy, and the well being of my family. I want to do good in the world for as long I have a life to live, and enjoy, and help anyone I can. Life all of a sudden has taken on a much important and meaningful role.
This experience of grief has also brought me closer with friends and people experiencing a similar level of grief as mine. We all grieve so differently, our circumstances, and our stories are so different, but we all journey through life now in a different way, a forever changed kind of way.
Crying, felt good last night. Being heard, felt good last night. Being supported and understood, felt good last night. There are no coincidences in lifeā¦ we had angels sitting by our side last night on my front porch, of that I am almost certain. I could feel the love, the peace, and a sweet embrace calmly whispering, āitās going to be ok, I love you, I miss you too. I am always by your side.ā š
Wednesday, August 25, 2021
Itās the first day in weeks this month that it doesnāt feel like a 1,000 degrees on the porch early morning. The humidity level has been through the roof lately, and Iāve been missing my coffee morning rituals each day. I do go out briefly, but thatās about it. Tight now is 75 degrees, and tolerable. I never thought Iād say this, but I think Iām ready for Fall. šš
Itās the humidity that gets me! š„µ
Yesterday was a good day of rest for me, and Iām very thankful for it. Iām always busy running in many different directions, and learning how to balance work and play has been crucial, especially this year. Rest, self care is SO important!!! If you e donāt do it for ourselves, no one will tap our shoulders and say, ātake a seat, get some restā¦ā self care has been one of my biggest life lessons, if we take care of us, we can be our better versions for the world and those around us.
I miss my mom a lot already, I wish we lived closer to each other, but visiting my birth town where she lives is quite an adventure, itās usually an all day trip, and itās unbearably hot right now. I hope I can go back this year again, even if itās for a few days.
Off to work I go now. I have many projects to tackle, and today is a good day to do them all, or most of them! š
Have a nice, and kind day ahead! ā¤ļø
Tuesday, August 24, 2021
Itās 10 am and Iām sitting at a super cute coffee shop in Saint Charles, IL, overlooking the Fox River. Itās peaceful, itās quiet, and itās amazing! Iām having a chai latte with almond milk, and it has a pinch of cinnamon that makes it all much more flavorful. My side?! A perfectly made avocado toast with toasted garlic, chili flakes, and olive oil drizzle!!! Ohā¦ myā¦ goodness, itās SO good!!! š¤©š
I had an early doctorās appointment today for my thumb that is still hurting me since forever it seems. He thinks itās sprained, there is definitely swelling, and it hurts a LOT when I put any pressure on it. I canāt use basically for a lot of the daily tasks like holding my tooth brush (I have to use my other fingers to do that, thankful for them!), I couldnāt use my right hand to open the gas spout/nozzle (not really sure what itās called š¬), and basically anything that requieres using my right thumb, opening doors, etcā¦ he prescribed a brace for my hand, and anti inflammatory for the swelling. Over the counter pain meds when needed also. I keep putting this off in hopes that itād go away on its own, but that wasnāt happening, glad I made time for it today.
On my way to St. Charles today at a stop light an elderly man was crossing a main street and I could tell he was concerned about the timer on the crossing light. He was slowly, but surely making his way across, but definitely very much aware of how much time he had to cross that street. His crossing of the street made me reflect on aging, yeah, that brief moment in time, made me reflect on that crucial part of lifeā¦ aging. And I couldnāt help but to think, I wonder how many stories he has. Does he have a family? How many times has he felt heartbroken during his life? Does he have family that love him and support him? What was his younger self like?! What awesome stories does he have to share? I bet those now tired, and slower legs have taken him through a lot in life. We are all heading that way (hopefully, prayerfully), what a gift it is to age!!! Life in itself is such an amazing gift, one we donāt always make time to reflect on, and most importantly to give thanks for.
My girls were having a conversation the other day, and one said to the other, every single day I give thanks for everything I am, and everything I have. Movement in my body, food on my table, the ability to do this and that. The other daughter said, āEVERY DAY???ā She responded, āYES! Every single day!!! I am very much aware of the many blessings in my life, itās a form of gratitude.ā
I was not part of this conversation, I was just an āobservantā as I cooked dinner in the kitchen, but that conversation made me smile.
Gratitude has to come from within, gratitude canāt be forced, but it can certainly be nurtured.
I am not an advocate of ALWAYS having to be grateful for everything, life sometimes simply sucks, and itās OK to feel sad and abandoned during those moments, but certainly, there are always, always moments and opportunity for thankfulness, and feelings of gratefulness.
My entire life I have tried to focus on the good in everything, focus on gratitude, and appreciating the blessings in my life, even in the midst of chaos, but Iād be lying if I said, Iāve never had moments when I was like āare you kidding me???ā āThis again?!ā āUs again?!ā And thatās PERFECTLY normal. We are human beings made to feel ALL the feelings!
Amazing what an elderly man crossing a busy street can do to our hearts and souls sometimes, isnāt it??
Well, I guess Iāll finish this sharing of my day and soul session now š, and enjoy the rest of my coffee and avocado toast, so far, this is a great day, and Iām hoping it stays that way.
Logging off and enjoying the day! ā¤ļø
Monday, August 23, 2021
Whoa, what a day!!! š¤©
Today we celebrated the many AMAZING volunteers at the church where I work with an old fashioned BBQ! We had so much good food, and tasty desserts too.
My day was filled with lots of running around in preparation for the party, and at the end of the day I had walked over 14,000 steps, the number made me smile because even though I was nonstop all day, I was so happy that I didnāt even feel the tiredness in my body, until I sat down just now, at almost 11 pm š
I love that saying, āmy feet are tired, but my soul is wide awake!ā Fits perfectly in this case.
I was so busy today that I didnāt even had one single cup of coffee, but I will make sure to have not one, but two cups tomorrow, and I cannot wait! I can already picture myself sitting on the deck with a cup of coffee, and a chocolate chip cookie from today that was so delicious! I have half of it left, and Iāll be sure to enjoy it fully!
Well, I better go to sleep, tomorrow is another day. Thankful for today, grateful for the generosity of so many, and definitely BLESSED in so many ways!!!
Sunday, August 22, 2021
Today was a day of relaxing, taking some me time after a long week, and before a very busy week ahead. I even took a nap today, and that felt good, I havenāt done that in a long time.
Iāve been reflecting about my faith lately, my religion, and beliefs. I grew up a practicing Catholic (still am), and even though I donāt think I always appreciated rituals growing up, they formed me and helped shape the person I am today. Iām proud of my faith, also very thankful for it.
This year my faith has been tested in a new and unfamiliar way. Iāve had days when Iāve wanted nothing to do with it. Days when Iāve felt resentful, broken, and forgotten. The feeling of being forgotten has been the most hurtful feeling of them all. How can I be forgotten by a God that Iāve trusted to love me and support me my entire life?
The truth is (my truth anyways), Iāve never been forgotten. I have always been loved, protected and cared about. I feel thankful for having a faith and beliefs that donāt make me feel guilty or shameful for the times I havenāt felt like āshowing upā because I was hurting too much, but itās always been comforting to know, that Iām always welcomed back.
My brother taught me a great deal about faith, and religion. I wish I could have some conversations with him right now, conversations about what my heart is feeling in that department of feelings and emotions, heād understand, support me, and guide me. He was an excellent listener, I miss his wisdom, I miss his essence.
Faith to me is a special source of energy that never runs down, and is never depleted. I can reach out, and find comfort in it whenever I need it, and be reminded once more that I am never, never abandoned.
May the week ahead be a week of blessings, and good things. ā¤ļø
Saturday, August 21, 2021
Itās almost 11 pm, and I just sat down for the first time today. I had a very busy work day, but a very rewarding work day indeed.
My day started off a little rocky, and my soul felt a little spent by the early afternoon, but I somehow recovered, put myself into a joyful, and thankful mood, and completed the rest of the day as I had previously planned.
As the saying goes, āwe plan, God laughs.ā That was God half way into my day today saying, āDear child of mine, today I will teach you a few more lessons. Lessons of forgives, lessons of patience, lessons of love, and appreciation for all the good things around you, even in the midst of heartache.ā And learned I did.
The second half of the day was just awesome, and I was very thankful that an event I had planned for work ended up being a complete success, EVEN when we had threats for rain, and storms. There was a downpour right before the outdoor event started, and then just as fast and furious as the rain came, it stopped, and we had a beautiful rainbow!!! š
There, once again, life reminding me that even after we experience pain, suffering, disappointment, and heartache, there is always HOPE, a rainbow at the end of a storm. We just must keep trusting, having faith, and believing in our inner power to rise over and over.
I purchased the T-shirt Iām wearing in the picture just a few days ago, and today, as I was getting ready for the day, it ājumpedā at me. I loved wearing it. My favorite message of all times.
Kindness might be one of my very favorite things in the whole wide world! JOY too! Be kind, spread joyā¦ the more we practice kindness, and joy, the more our actions will reflect on others. ā¤ļøš
Friday, August 20, 2021
Sitting in a little, quiet corner of my kitchen, drinking all the coffee and enjoying the peace and quiet. The girls left to go to the gym, and Stan has been at work since 7:30 a.m.
I started my coffee session on the front porch, but itās so hot and humid today that I decided to take my coffee meditation indoors. It was a good choice!
I had all kinds of weird dreams last night, and I think it couldāve been due to watching a mystery/crime investigation movie right before to sleep! š³š
āFreedomlandā with Julianne Moore, and Samuel Jackson. The movie was really good, and although it wasnāt a ākeep you on the edge of your seatā kind of movie, itās definitely a thriller, and it kept my interest going the entire time.
Not too much going on today, other than lots of work, and Iām also meeting a good friend for a late lunch, so very much looking forward to our visit.
Connecting with friends makes me happy. It reminds me of the goodness in my life. A couple of days ago we went out to dinner with two long time and dear friends, and we had such a great time! Stan and I hadnāt been out like that in a while, and it reminded us of the importance of connection with those we love, and love us back. And if awesome homemade tortillas are thrown in the mixā¦ well, you have a WINNER double date! š¤© Oh my goodness, the flour tortillas at Uncle Julioās are out of this world amazing! They remind me of the tortillas I ate growing up, so much yum!!!
May this day be a day of calm, peace, joy, faith, and so much kindness!!! May we be the recipients of all those blessings, and may we share them with those we come in contact as well.
Joy, kindness, and all good things! āš»
Thursday, August 19, 2021
What does self care means to me?
On most days, it means being by myself, doing some of the things I enjoy most, like nature, food, and rest, usually in that order. āŗļø
I was off from work today and instead of staying home, watching tv all day, and doing nothing, I decided to leave the house and do some exploring. Sometimes nothing feels good, today, I needed a little more.
I ventured out to Waterfall Glenn Forest Preserve in Lemont, IL. Itās a little bit of a drive, but definitely worth it! Itās q gorgeous and enormous forest preserve with dense woods, and very tall and green trees. Iāve been to the forest preserve near us many times, but this one is definitely unique, it has great walking trails too.
The only thing I would not recommend is exploring these hiking trials by yourself, I did it, and a few times I was a little scared to be honest. The area was not very populated today, just a few people here and there, it was hot, and wifi kept going on and off. I kept thinking, āwow, you are dumb! How many Dateline episodes have you watched where not so good things happen in the woods?!ā After a little while of being there, I started to make my way back, PRAYING I would find it with no issues. With every voice I heard in the distance, I panicked a little and as soon as I got in my car, I locked my doors. Yes, #DatelineTrainee š
Iāll definitely be going back, next time when more people are around, and with a hiking/walking companion.
Since I was approximately an hour away from home, and I had worked out an appetite, I decided to look for a nearby place to eat. I came across a local BBQ favorite āChuckās Southern Comforts Cafeā, which is not a cafe, but definitely a bbq joint type of atmosphere. The food was pretty decent, their homemade bread rolls phenomenal, the pulled pork I had was very good, but the service no bueno! I still enjoyed my food, and my time alone. I sat on the patio, in an almost 90 degree weather, haha, but Iām determined to enjoy the outdoors as much as I can, because pretty soon, these hot and humid days will be a thing of the past for another year, and come January, weāll be praying for just a liiiittle bit of heat.
On my way back I treated myself to a pedicure, AND a strawberry and Oreos shake which was O.M.G. SO delicious!!! Iām not a super huge Oreo person, but I do like it, but this combination of frozen vanilla custard, fresh strawberries, and Oreos was incredible!
On my way back home from my full day of āme timeā, I thought of my brother. Actually, as I was getting in my car from the custard place itās like I was in his presence for some strange reason. My brother would ALWAYS talk to me about self care, and how important it was. He always said, āsister, you need to take care of yourselfā¦ what did you do for YOU today?!ā I wish I could call him and share with him my day, but I know that from wherever he is, heās smiling down at me and sending me his love.
Only 12 days till his birthday, self care is definitely the best way to honor him.
Grateful for the opportunity to freely go places, enjoy food I like, for leisure time, and for the gift of fully appreciating these moments, and not taking a single thing for granted.
Thankful for today. ššæ
Wednesday, August 18, 2021
Goooood morning!!! āļø
Making myself feel a little extra joyful today by taking care of myself, pacing myself for what I have to do, and drinking and eating all the things my body needs, good foods and lots of hydration. I had a really bad migraine yesterday for the first time in a long time, and Iām feeling it a little worse than usual. On top of it, my prescription was thrown away by accident, and I had to take over the counter medicine all day yesterday, which is NO BUENO for me! THANKFULLY, I called my pharmacy and they were able to give me a few pills to get me by until my next prescription is due for a refill, ay, ay, ay!!! Bad day, good day, thatās life!
My body goes through a lot when I have a migraine. Itās not only the physical pain (which is intense), but also the mental aspect of it, that throws off your day, your routine. The medicine gives me some weird side effects that include muscle weakness, and muscle pain, and lots of fatigue, BUT, when the migraine pain is bad, Iād take all that for the exchange of no pain, or less pain.
But enough of that already š, Iām waiting for my pain to subside a little, and then Iāll start getting ready for work, I have tons and exciting projects to work on, I love my little corner in my office where I can complete projects, and be creative. That makes me happy. ā¤ļø
Stan and I are meeting two friends for dinner tonight, we are having Mexican food, ladies pick of the day! š Iām really looking forward to seeing them! Stan is not a guy friend, letās hang out social type of guy, but he really enjoys the company of these friends, and his friend Kurt, that makes me happy! It is true that family is the friends you choose. We might not have much family anywhere near us, but we have been blessed with some pretty awesome friends that have always had our backs! ā¤ļø
Enjoy your day!!! Letās make it a good one, there is lots to be thankful for!
Tuesday, August 17, 2021
Sitting in a cute little gazebo at a recreational area near my house. Feeling all the feelings, thinking all the thoughts. There are a few parents in the distance going for walks for their young children, and I just saw a group of preschoolers, or daycare even on a little field trip to see the art of this area, itās pretty neat.
Yesterday, I received a sympathy card from a friend that lives in the West coast, and it really warmed my heart. The fact that half a year later (which sometimes feels like yesterday, and others like an eternity), she still recognizes and remembers the grief felt when loosing loved ones, made me feel a little extra loved. I deeply appreciated her thoughtfulness. Her words touched my heart, and they made me realize the realness of it all. Her card was specifically meant for my brother, his loss, and my own personal grief in that loss. So many feelings, so much love, love that will never die, and maybe thatās what I need to focus on.
This morning I came across a great quote by an unknown author. A quote with great depth.
āWhen we lose someone we love, we must learn not to live without them, but to live with the love they left behind.ā
Amen to that. Iām working on itā¦ Iām not there yet, but Iām making progress. š
I have a lot of things to be thankful for, many blessings in my life, Iām determined to continue to focus on gratitude, and love. The love I give to others, and the love I receive.
Life is such an interesting journey, isnāt it?! A journey of love, a journey of gratitude, forgiveness, hope, faith.
I still have so much to learn, and Iām willing to put in the work, and be completely vulnerable in the process.
From this little peace of heaven in a quiet suburban corner nestled in a wooded areaā¦ I wish you a beautiful, and peaceful day ahead. Be joyful, be kind! š
Monday, August 16, 2021
Good morning!!! āļø
Itās the early hours of the day and since we woke up with no coffee in the house (insert 1,000 exclamation points here!), I decided to drive through the nearest McDonaldās (they have the best coffee!!!), and get myself a cup, I almost have to have black coffee to start my day, otherwise, itās a no bueno scenario, and I love that about myself actually. Routines with good flavors, oh yeah!!! āļø
And since I was on the road already, weāll, why not have my cup of coffee at a forest preserve near my home?! I did that, and Iām loving this moment. Iām sitting here all by myself, creating a retreat of sorts, listening to so many bird sounds coming from all different directions, bugs (sound like crickets, I doubt itās crickets, definitely not cicadas!) and the watching the movement of the trees and plants as the air touches themā¦ ahhh, I could sit here all day, Iād just need lots of coffee refills.
Do you ever feel the urge to run away, to have a fresh start? I do, sometimes often, and not l in the sense of running away from people or circumstances, but the complete opposite. I always wonder what mysteries other little towns or big cities are hiding. What their locals are like, what their most popular and favorite foods are, what people look like, and most importantly, what their essence is! Although we, human beings are so similar in so many ways, often personalities are defined by environment, and I think thatās fascinating. Maybe if I keep wishing for it hard enough, my dream will come true one day. āŗļø
Life, the world is so much more than our surroundings, what we see, and what we do, make for a very small fraction of what our essence truly is.
Wide awake dreaming since 1972. ā¤ļø
āDo not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trailā ā Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sunday, August 15, 2021
Yesterday, I spent a good part of the day cleaning and organizing the house. We had made plans previously to go a a little road trip, but then last minute I decided I needed to stay home and take care of some things at home.
I know it doesnāt sound AS exciting, but having a clean and organized home energizes me. Iāve never been a big fan of messy spaces and clutter, when I have them, I feel the same way inside.
My biggest āprojectā was to work on my coffee counter which I completely treasure, and it had become a ādump it allā, place for everyoneā¦ including me. The coffee counter is one of the first spaces we see when we enter the house through the garage into the mud room, and the first place where to put keys, wallets, mail, sunglasses, junk in general, you name it, everything gets thrown there, and very quickly forgotten. Yesterday, was a day of renewal, I was determined and I worked hard at it.
Here are a few ābefore and afterā pictures. š„°
I also decluttered our bedroom, and master bathroom, drawers, walk-in closet, cabinets, EVERYTHING, and it felt soooo good!!! We recently got a new comforter set, and this organizing of everything made it all feel so much better and nicer. Itās a cozy, clean and very organized place for us to unwind at the end of a busy day, which we have plenty of lately.
Iāve decided to tackle one drawer, a week, and one room a month. Iām hoping to start 2022 on good (and clutter free)note! šš»
Today was a busy work day for me, but a very good day. Iām ending the day giving thanks for all the amazing people I have the honor to work with, the many volunteers who give so much of their time and talent, never asking anything in return. We are so blessed!
Cheers to the start of a new week!!! May this new week bring us opportunities for love, gratitude, and kindness. ā¤ļø
Saturday, August 14, 2021
Sitting on my back patio, and feeling all the love of the morning sun and breeze, itās almost magical.
My coffee has been freshly brewed and it sits right next to me, at fingers reach, the best.
Before I came outside to sit on the patio, I cleaned the table too, put all the cushions on the chairs, and opened the umbrella to make for a little more shade. Itās those little things and preparations that make me enjoy my morning coffee a little more.
Today, Iām determined to do a few things around the house. I used to be quite the Suzy Homemaker when my girls were little, even just a few years ago, then life happened, and I got older, and my energy diminished, and lately Iāve been like āoh well, as long as the dishes are washed, house is picked up, and there is food to eat, we are good.ā Yes, everyone does their share, but if I have to be honest, no one cleans and organizes as good as I do in this house! š¤© Even Stan, who is super clean and organized, I have to admit, I have a special touch for organizational stuff, ha! š #modestyaside
This year Iāve done the bare minimum in the house, sometimes not even that, I just havenāt had the energy, or motivation, and to be honest, time, but today, Iām turning the corner, Iām determined, I have a layout (in my mind) of how Iām executing this comeback house cleaning and organizing mood, and Iām SO excited!!! I love a house that is organized, clean, smells good, and looks good. We donāt have any expensive anything in the house, or even a lot of āstuffā, neither Stan or I like clutter and excess in things, but I do love neat spaces and empty counters. There is one particular counter that is making me cringe in particular, maybe Iāll share a before and after tomorrow. š
Today we had some plans to go out and do something fun, or some exploring, but Iāve decided (I think, that could change any minute again haha), to stay home, do some very needed work around the house, a little cooking, some rest, and maybe another movie or two. I LOVE being home too, especially when Iām motivated enough to do housework. I know, it might sound a little crazy, but I do love that, it makes me happy, and I know it makes my family happy too.
Speaking of tv. I binged watched the new season of Modern Love last night. I LOVE that show! But I have to say, Season 2 is not as good as Season 1 in my opinion. My favorite story of Season 2 was āOn a Sepertine Road, With the Top Downāā¦ I cried! It made me think of my green minivan, and ALL the memories stored in that car, wow, sooo many!!! We purchased that car just three weeks before Bella was born, and that car has taken us on many roads, many destinations, itās witnessed laughter, tears, anger, disappointment, smiles, so much good music and singing, but especially LOVE. Family love, lots of it, in all its forms.
Today is a good, a day Iām already fully embracing, and giving thanks for! ā¤ļø
Friday, August 13, 2021
Good morning!!! āļø
The sun is not shinning today, itās a cloudy kind of day, but itās a wonderfully, beautiful cool day in the low 70ās, at least for right now. It has been so hot and humid lately, that this feels like a little slice from heaven.
I just showered, I have my freshly brewed cup of coffee in my hand, and I am loving this moment.
Yesterday was a good day. I was supposed to be off, but I ended up having to go into work for a little, which was fine. It was a quiet day at the office, and I got my work done quite fast, and I was even able to take care of a few other things. By the time I left, I felt accomplished and it really didnāt even feel like work. Find a job you love, and youāll never have to work a day in your life.
The girls and I had a really awesome conversation about grief yesterday, it was in the most casual of settings, they were both in the kitchen cooking, and I was on the opposite side of the counter sharing some thoughts with them, and the conversation just flowed.
I have always been a peopleās analyzer, I canāt help it, Iāve always been that way. When I was young, there was a lot of conflict between my parents, nothing violent, just complete lack of communication and a whole lot of misunderstanding. They were always SO opposite to each other, that I think their overwhelming differences made everything so much harder to manage. I mean, one time they had a huge argument over a can of tomato sauce, true story!!! My mom wanted a certain brand, my dad wanted a different one. I remember standing there, watching this pathetic scene at the grocery store, and feeling so conflicted, and embarrassed. I was immediately angry at my dad, because his āargumentā about why he wanted that tomato sauce was so stupid, it didnāt make any sense. But he was also my dad, and I respected them, I was young too, so I just watched. My dad had a lot of internal conflicts that made him behave that way, most of them consequences of his many losses in life. Now I wish I had understood my dad a little better, I was too immature then, I was just starting to learn about life.
Analyzer. People analyzer. Analyzer of people. Analyzing peopleās behaviors.
That was meā¦ to a T.
From a young age I would observe peopleās behaviors and Iād try to understand them. Sometimes I wished I wasnāt such a deep thinker. I like that now, but when I was younger, a child especially, that was a lot for my young mind to process.
I remember observing my aunts and uncles interact, and listening to their conversations, most of which I enjoyed, some I questioned, and I analyzed of course.
I was always a very quiet and timid girl, I know, shocking, right? š I actually think that I still am to a certain degree. I do ok in environments I feel completely comfortable in, but if Iām outside of my comfort level, I struggle interacting with others. I do it, and I do it well (I think), but I struggle internally.
How did I get to the analyzing of people part, when I started talking about my conversation about grief with my girls?! š¤Ø
See, my mind runs in all kinds of directions all the time, but I think itās all connected anyways.
Yesterday at the kitchen counter, I brought up to them my connection with people in this new chapter of grief in my life. Grief makes connection with others either powerful and intimate, or hard and distant. I had zero clue about what grief meant, or what it felt like until I lost my brother. Iāve been surrounded by grief, by grievers my entire adult life due to work, but I never understood it. Now, not only do I understand it, I feel it, and I walk with it. Itās true that we cannot really know what something means until we have experienced it. We can only become āexpertsā, professionals in the matter by walking through it. No books, no seminars, no nothing can ever gives us the real knowledge of a walk we havenāt taken. Grief especially.
I was sharing my Michelle and Bella too that I donāt feel pain in my dadās passing, at the contrary, his memories bring me joy. Of course, I get a little teary eyed every once in a while because I miss him, but I donāt feel sadness. He lived a full life, eight decades plus of life, and he left so much wisdom behind.
My brotherās sudden passing still brings a lot of sadness to my soul. Iām still trying to process it. Iām not there yet, and not sure how long it will take, but I have promised myself to be patient, and to cry all the tears I need to cry until my tears have cleansed my soul.
This year has been the most challenging season in my life, but also, one in which Iāve experienced immense love, and learned the most important lessons of my life.
I donāt even like to call it growth, I canāt stand associating pain with āgrowthā, we wouldnāt wish that on our worst enemies. Iād rather call it awakenings. The powerful experiences in our lives that guide us to look deeper into our inner selves, and reflect on the human beings we were born to be. š
Thursday, August 12, 2021
Loving me so porch time these days, and especially loving the fact that Iām making time for it. I work lots of hours every day, but when these moments happen, I savor them even more. ā¤ļøāļø
Yesterday, my family and I went to a baseball game at our local stadium and we all had a great time. It was SO hot and so humid, but the company was great, dinner was delicious, and the snacking even better, just donāt ask about the game, I donāt have 1% of an idea as to what happened, or who was playing! š Sorry guys! ā¾ļø I did love seeing the mascot, cheering when they scored a home run, and singing the infamous ātake me out to the ball gameā song, fun, fun!!!
The part of Mexico where Iām from is HUGE on baseball! We have one of the best baseball teams in the country, and the stadium is the size and hype of a major league team, itās pretty awesome!!! Both my brothers played baseball when they were little -I remember going to their practices and games, and cheering from the stands snacks in hand- ANDā¦ my dad played in a minor league team in his young adult life, which is pretty rad!!! š±š I think that was always one of his favorite stories to share. He was a quiet man of many hidden talents. He also went to school for journalism and broadcasting to become a radio host. Unfortunately for him, he had to abandon that dream to look over his familyās farming business.
That will always be the conversation we will never get to have. He shared a lot of those moments a few years ago when my youngest brother was hospitalized and my brother Will and mom were at the hospital with him, and I was left alone with my dad. I was in awe at his stories, some of which I never knew about, and I remember coming back to Chicago that year and thinking, I wish I wouldāve asked why he didnāt stay in Mexico City to fulfill his dreams, why he did as his mom said when he was a full grown adult āmom, Iām sorry, I canāt come back, Iām starting my life hereā, well, I guess if he didnāt, most likely, he wouldnāt have met my mom, and āMondays with Mariaā wouldāve never happened! š
I wish I wouldāve asked, āwhat made you quit your dreams?!ā āWhat were you afraid of?!ā
The more I think about my family, and their artistic, special gifts, the more I understand Michelle, and her own dreams, and the work sheās doing, and the MORE I want to support her all the way through!!! Many times I get asked, āarenāt you said that sheāll live so far away?!ā Doesnāt it make you sad that she wonāt be around the block to see her any time you wish?!ā āArenāt youā¦ā, āDonāt you wishā¦ā the answer to all of those questions is, āNo, absolutely NOT!!!ā What WOULD make me sad is NOT supporting her, not seeing her pursue her dreams, and desires, cutting her wings for my own selfishness, and blocking the life journey she was born to live and experience!
We are entrusted little human beings to our care, but they are never ours to keep permanently. They will always be ours in our hearts, and we will always love them, and we will love them back, but as the wise Maya Angelou once said, ālove liberates, love liberates!ā If we love someone, if we really, truly love them, we need to let them fly, and try new things, and learn from their mistakes, and see the world, and let them be THEMSELVES, and who they were born to be in this world. To me, thatās true love.
Of course, I enjoy their company when we are together, but I love even more seeing them happy and fulfilled. ā¤ļøā¤ļø
Fascinated at how my mind works. I started with coffee, moved on to peanuts and baseball, and ended up sharing my own parenting style! š I never know where my heart and pen will guide meā¦ I just let it flow.
One more thing before I finish this journal page. š As we were walking out of the baseball stadium last night and we were crossing the street to the parking lot, I said to the girls and Stan āwait, letās stop by that wooden rail guard for a picture. When I was very pregnant with Michelle I took a picture there, and itād be cute to take one now with her.ā We took the picture, and then I thought, āwait a minute, I donāt think I was pregnant with Michelle because she was born at the end of January, so it had to be Bella, my Summer baby!ā Then I said, āBella, can you come here? I think it was you! Letās take our picture!ā Michelle looks at me (completely confused), and says, āoh boy! Whatās going on mother?!ā š¤£š¤£
Needless to say, now I have to find that picture from a hundred years ago and figure out who I was pregnant with that yearā¦ Iām pretty sure it was Bella. By the time we finished the pictures, even the crossing guards were laughing, haha! Oh boy is right, nearing 50 has its price I guess! Lol!
Ok, I hope you have a wonderful day, remember to smile -at least once! š„°-, and spread joy and kindness wherever you go! Peace! āš»
Wednesday, August 11, 2021
Iām sitting on my front porch, itās currently lightening and storming, but it still feels calm, itās not a fierce thunderstormā¦ yet, and Iām sipping a gigantic cup of coffee. As I sit here, I canāt help it but to think of my dad. My dad absolutely LOVED a good thunderstorm, lightening, heavy rain, and a freshly brewed cup of coffee, nothing made him happier. On his younger years, a cigarette was also in his hand. I can almost picture him sitting in the front porch of my childhood home. Sometimes I wish I had appreciated and embraced those moments more. If I only knew that one day, theyāve become precious memories.
Rain makes me happy, and today Iām enjoying it in a special way on my day off, weāll, not my āofficialā day off, but I gave myself a day off! š Itās good to take a little time for yourself every once in a while, the body, soul and mind need rest and peace.
I am always so, so busy, that when I have a day off I almost struggle to just sit still, and keep my body moving from doing jobs, even at home. Today, Iāve decided I will make myself just relax, enjoy as much time I want on the porch, drink as much coffee as I desire, watch a movie, maybe even a nap. The possibilities are endless.
Half way through my journaling, Michelle came outside to join me on the porch with her cup of coffee. I immediately put everything down, and gave her my full attention, those moments those come by very often, and I love them!
We talked for a good while, at least an hour, Michelle is one of the BEST conversationalists there are, she is eloquent, VERY honest, sincere, real, wicked smart, fully aware of her existence in the world, and also, very logical. Too logical sometimes if that makes any sense, she tries to find logic in everything, and is a great researcher of things, life and the world in general. She is also very, very loving, and as Iāve shared it before, the best hugger and cuddler there is. She is a lover of life.
Itās fascinating having conversations with adult children, sometimes it feels as an out of body experience. When I look at her during our conversations, many times I still picture the cute (well sheās still very cute and adorable if I say so myself š„°), blonde, pigtailed little girl, shy at times (shy no more!), that I help raise. I have to remind myself that sheās an adult, a grown adult with her very own thoughts, ideals, dreams, goals, and ways of looking at life, and Iām here to be a mom, a friend, a supporter of her life and dreams, and to love her unconditionally.
Michelle is certainly a unique human being, with the pristine poise, and the greatest heart, and I am so very proud of being her mom. Life might have presented so many challenges for her, but I know that those challenges are only enhancing the taste of her future successes. No matter what she will do in life, Iām already proud. ā¤ļø
On a separate note, I just finished (with permission š) her vegan, gluten free Blaze pizza from dinner last night which had TONS of garlic, and now Iām thinking if I should warn the group of friends going to a baseball game tonight, that my breath might be questionable tonight! š¤£š§š®āšØā¾ļø
Well, I better go look for a movie to watch, because Iām determined to get some down time one way or another today. Itās almost noon, and itās already been a great day! š„°
Enjoy your day, be kind to all those meet! May you also find kindness along the wayā¦ āļø
Tuesday, August 10, 2021
Today is off to a good start (minus the light headache bugging me right now š£), BUT, letās talk about all the good vibes of the day so far, not without taking it back to last night firstā¦ the āwelcoming matā to this conversation. š
Yesterday was a good, and busy day, that ended up with some unexpected challenges. I had a hard time falling asleep because of it, and then I was WIDE awake at 6 am when I had already decided yesterday that I wasnāt going to in into work until later today. Well, I donāt know if it happens to you, but once I open my eyes in the morning, no matter what time it is, itās really hard to close them again and go back to sleep, almost impossible.
I decided to lay in bed a little while longer, and then at some point I sprung out of my bed, put my socks on, shorts on, threw in a T-shirt and headed for the laundry room to put my shoes on and go for a walk. Best decision Iāve made so far today. I needed that walk in every way. I listened to Hamiltonās playlist both ways, I am such a huge Hamilton the Musical fan, ugh, I think Iāve listened to those songs at least a hundred times, no joke!
Iāve been taking the same walking route for a week now, the residential walk if you may, that takes me through some neighborhoods near my home, and at some point I cross a main street that leads to a pretty winding road with a playground, beautiful and manicured houses, and my favorite house at the end of that path which looks out of a vintage magazine, with the perfect looking backyard which has a oval shaped pool, with one of those old fashioned blue slides, tons of flowers and greenery, cool lighting, pool chairs, a pretty patio set, and a custom made grillā¦ ahhhh, I keep looking for a sale sign to see if perhaps, theyāll be moving anytime soon, Iād be the first one knocking on their door! š„°
See what that pretty house does to me!!! I got so distracted, and off topic, ha, but it was worth it! ā¤ļø
My point of mentioning my walking path was that, by the time I reach the mailbox in the picture above, thatās a little over 1/2 mile after leaving my house, and every time I already feel exhausted, as if I canāt go on anymore! During the last eight days, that mailbox has been my āomg, this is hard!ā, and also, my BIGGEST motivator! Itās as if the mailbox is cheering on me when I walk by itā¦ āCome on, Maria, you can do this! You can do hard things!!! You got this!ā
I do, I walk past it, I smile at myself (sometimes at the mailbox š), and I keep going, with the pretty winding path on my mind, and the promise of just one more look at that beautiful house, where I imagine, people have made unforgettable memories.
My walking distance is not super impressive, but itās impressive to me because this year I got SO out of shape due to (well, lifeā¦), that I could hardly find strength and motivation to put on my shoes in the mornings, and head out the door.
Walking distance: 2.5 miles
Mood: happy!
Incentive: overall health
Reward: More energy, a more motivated me, and of course the pretty house at the end of the path.
I think I will sit here a little while longer before I have to get in the shower for work. Simple days like today bring me joy.
Monday, August 9, 2021
Itās 10:30 pm and I just got in bed, yes, Iām writing my journal page from bed tonight, because sometimes, you have to go with the flow of the day.
Today was a VERY long day, long in many ways. Iām feeling many feelings right now, I donāt even know where to start to sort them out before I close my eyes to go to sleep.
I was at work quite early today. I had a meeting before the office opened, and then I rushed to get to daily Mass in the poring rain. Todayās Mass was offered in memory of my brother JesĆŗs. My brother Will knows me well. This morning he sent me a text (Iām sure knowing it was our brotherās six month death anniversary, and thinking that I was probably struggling with the day), anyways, his text was simple, āhow are you doing?ā I know it might not seem like a lot, but for those who know him, they know heās a man of very few words, with lots of feelings though, and those words meant a lot.
I was actually handling the day quite well considering how much I had anticipated it, and hated even the thought of having to be thinking about his absence. It still hurts, it still doesnāt seem real, not at all, but Iām learning to live with his absence in a strange way. I hate it, every part of it, but I have to accept it.
Some of the things I donāt like hearing when it comes to conversations with people about his death are, āyou have his memories.ā āHeās in a good place.ā āRemember the good timesā, and a few moreā¦ well, YEAH!!! I know that, all of it, but it doesnāt make his absence, and the pain we feel about it any better. I know it will come with time, we just have to get through all the āfirstsā first.
My heart is heavy about other issues too right now, and Iām trying to process all that is going in my life right now, and all thatās happened this year. Itās too much, but I feel it in my heart that itās transitory, and very soon, things will be different. Control the things you can control. Letting go, and letting God.
Iāve decided to take my time tomorrow morning and enjoy my coffee on the porch, maybe Iāll even sneak in a little walk. Tomorrowā¦ is another day. ā¤ļø
Sunday, August 8, 2021
Today was a good day, it was a very busy day, but it was a good day, and something really interesting happened to me at church/work.
I was sitting down after Communion, steaming Mass, and someone approached me from the side on his way to communion and whispered in my ear āGod says hi to you.ā
I didnāt know who it was, and it definitely took me by surprise!!! Right after communion, I was deep into thoughts about many things, Iāve had some interesting conversations with God lately, he gets me I think, and that message shook me in a special way. The moment that person disappeared into the communion line, tears started rolling down my face, and all of a sudden I felt an overwhelming load of emotions. I didnāt even know why I was crying, it wasnāt anything specific, but it was healing for my soul.
I had to compose myself, I was at church, but I was also at work, and I had some things to do right after Communion. It was a good thing I was wearing a face mask today, at least the tears werenāt as visible. Iām not ashamed of my tears, but I didnāt need any attention on me today. The mask worked, nobody noticed, and I was able to recover from that moment. The experience of hearing Godās greetings will stay with me forever. ā¤ļø
After work, I came home to make dinner, delicious salmon and a salad, and later on I made a yummy soup too, I LOVE being in the kitchen, it relaxes me. I finally sat down to watch some tv around 7 pm and relax a little.
I watched the movie POMS with Diane Keaton on Netflixā¦ O.M.G. 2 hours I will never get back!!! I kept being patient thinking, āmaybe, this is where it picks ups!ā Nope, nada! I told Michelle I couldnāt done a better show producing that movie myself! š¤£
Well, another week has come and gone, lots happened this week, but Iām proud that even on difficult days when I felt very, very tempted to have some sweets, or junk food to calm my feelings, I didnāt! I stayed strong on my meal program of healthy and eating, and every time I didnāt give in, I felt amazing about it! Itās the little things, and when it comes to food, itās baby steps for me. I didnāt walk much today, no time, and then we got a lot of rain, but it forced me to relax, which I very much needed too. I was very thankful for a few hours of rest today.
And speaking of rest, I better go to sleep, itās past 10 am and my alarm clock will be going off at 6:30 am š„°
Buenas noches! ā¤ļø
Saturday, August 7, 2021
āI am the bended, but not broken. I am the power of the thunderstorm. I am the beauty in the beast. I am the strength in weakness. I am the confidence in the midst of doubt. I am Her!ā ~ Kierra C.T. Banks
I Am Her. All of it. ā¤ļø
And yes, Iām putting a heart right next to it, because this 2021 working at life stuff has been darn tough for me, BUT, I am incredibly proud of the work Iāve put into it, especially about the fact that even though there have been many thunderstorms this year, I have been bent many times over, and Iāve had many moments of doubt and disappointment, I am not broken, not at all, instead, I continue to focus on the many blessings of my life, and feel grateful for ALL the good things around me.
Today was a particularly hard day. I woke up and every single plan I had made last night for this morning went out the window really fast. What do they say? If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. Yep! He/She has had plenty of opportunities to humor me lately, but even that makes me smile right now. A sour day, turned sweet with gratitude.
I went for a very long walk this afternoon RIGHT in the middle of the afternoon, I needed to clear my head, but it was the peek of the heat, very, very, very hot, a dumb, and poor decision on my part. I wasnāt protected in any way, and I didnāt even take water with me, just my earbuds, which was great because I talked to my mom the whole time. Thatās the plus!
I try not to overwhelm my mom with my own personal issues, I donāt like worrying her, and there is not much she can do from the distance, but what she can sure do, is offer support, LOVE me, and pray for me!!! And thatās exactly what happened today.
I shared my soul with her, and all the things that have been weighting me down today, especially the last couple of days, and she listened, she supported me, she offered advice, she even listened attentively when I shared that in my latest conversation with God I said, āGod, I think thatās enough for this year.ā She agreed. My wonderful, sweet, faithful, and prayerful mother, agreed with my feelings. That was enough for me today. ā¤ļø
I spent a few hours at work today, at church, having conversations and working with AWESOME humans that simply inspire me. That lifted me up, and even though the hours seem long some days, it truly is one of my biggest passions, and joys. We have such an incredible community of faith, we are truly blessed!
I came home from work to make myself dinner. Michelle and Bella had cooked two different types of delicious pasta, Bella even made her homemade pesto sauce, but Iāve been doing Whole30 this week and I was determined not to break my hard work of the week by my foody weakness. I made a delicious spinach salad, and pork chops for dinner instead, and Stan and I sat on the back patio to eat. As soon as we finished dinner, and cleaned up, we went out for a short walk. It was nice.
My not so good day, got better mid day, and ended on a good noteā¦ thankfully!!! I think my momās prayers mightāve had something to do with it. š„°
My phone just rang now, itās almost 9:30 pm, and it was my mom, she greeted me in the sweetest way. She wanted to know how the rest of the day was, and how I was doing. She said, āIāve been praying all day for you, and foe everyone at home, prayer is powerful mi niƱa, this too shall pass.ā She is sweet, she is kind, she is faithful, but she is SO wise!!! Yes! This too shall passā¦ this year has proven to be a āone minute at a timeā type of year. Iām learning so much, but I think Iāve learned enough already, for now at least, Iām ready for ordinary, calm, and simple days. One day, I will look back and say, āwow, how did we manage?!ā With love, with prayer, with patience, with kindness, and LOTS of gratitude. ā¤ļø
āCall upon Me in the day of trouble, I will deliver you.ā Psalm 50
Friday, August 6, 2021
Happy Friday!!! āļø
I started off my day with an awesome long walk in the PERFECT weather! It was close to 70 degrees when I left the house and it stayed nice and cool until I returned.
I love walks, walks energize me, and now that Bella connected my earbuds to my phoneās Bluetooth, its been a game changer. š Iāve been listening to music mainly, but I want to start digging into some audio books. I read The Red Tent by Anita Diamant years, and years ago, and I fell in love with every page of that book, I hope to listen to it now on my walks, Iāll start looking for it tonight.
The Red Tent is a historical novel that does a fascinating fictional portrayal of women in the Bible, and their relationship with each other. The way they nurture, care, and basically protect each other.
That book always makes me think about my own personal relationship with female friends, my relationship with my mother, the relationship I had with my grandmother, and the relationship with my own daughters, itās a special connection. The Red Tent for me is a place where I go to be cared for by female role models when I feel lost, unmotivated, filled with grief and anguish, but also, a place to share my biggest joys, and successes. Itās also a place to offer support and love to them in times of need, and in times of joy, and celebration.
Genuine, authentic friendship from the heart, is a GIFT to be celebrated! Life throws curveballs, life offers moments of joy, but when you have Red Tent friends to wipe your tears, and jump for joy for you, you have been blessed in a special way.
When I visited Mexico this past spring, my mother and I talked about a lot of things we had never talked about before. She shared her soul with me, and as she shared some of those moments in her life, my soul cried for her a little. My mom has struggled quite a bit in her life, it hasnāt always been easy, I donāt think itās ever been easy and flowy actually. Life and a few people were not always fair and kind to her, but she has always held her head high, and treated everyone with kindness, and respect in return, and has managed to find gratitude in everything in the midst of it all. She told me that she prays, and has always prayed for them, and those moments, even after theyāve been gone, and especially the moments that are now a thing of the past, sheās incredible!!! I hope she had Red Tent friends when she went through some of those life experiences. I know she had a big group of friends, and women in her life, but I hope she had someone or a few she could completely trust, and get support from without being judged. Iāve never asked her that question, I think I will next time I talk to her. š„°
I always try to share my life moments, experiences, and especially memories from my childhood and young adult life with my girls. I try to be as genuine as possible, and share my life experiences as they have been, no filter. Sometimes, theyāve said āwe didnāt know that about you!ā, āwe donāt know a lot about you!ā I always thought I shared a lot, I guess not enough. What that means to me is that, we are always craving for more connection, especially when it comes to those closest to us, mothers, daughters, grandmothers, will always be (for me), the uninterrupted link of life.
If you love history, if you love books, if you love historial fiction, the gift of friendship and caring for each other, and the relationship between women in a time when social media was not even in the minds of anyone yet, this is a great book to explore.
āThe more a daughter knows the details of her motherās life, the stronger the daughter.ā Anita Diamant, The Red Tent
Thursday, August 5, 2021
I just looked at the clock as I started writing right now and it says 11:11 (PM) They say that when you see those numbers, an angel is watching over you. I have a few angels, and lately, Iāve been feeling quite connected with my dad and brother. Iād like to believe they really are watching over us. ā¤ļø
It has been a very busy day, but whatās new, right? š I have been super busy at work, but today was a great day, and a day of accomplishing lots of important projects. What a feeling!!! Today was Food Pantry day at the church, and I am always in AWE, at the generosity of so many volunteers that make this amazing project happen week after week helping people in need. Speaking of angels, those are EARTH angels and I feel so blessed to know them! ā¤ļø
Tonight, I was determined to do meal prep for tomorrow no matter what! Having healthy meals ready to eat, especially on busy days, keeps me on track, satisfied, and especially, now wanting to reach for sugary things in the office.
Itās almost midnight and I still have to get ready for bed. š I guess, Iād better get moving. Tomorrow will be another day, and Iām ready to welcome it.
Good night! Sweet dreams! ā¤ļø
Wednesday, August 4, 2021
Sitting on the back patio of the house right now, taking a little rest from a busy week already, and itās only Wednesday. š It has been a very good day so far, a day of taking care of me, some rest, some exercise, nutritious food, and some reflecting on what JOY means to me. I like āhappyā, but I LOVE Joy! Happiness is fleeting, Joy has meaning and purpose, itās stronger, and it requieres commitment.
Choose joy. Chose joy every day, every time. Life is so fleeting. Hang on to the people and things that bring you joy. Focus on the good in people, every person has something good and meaningful to offer, and when that practice seems hard because of particular circumstances, I hope we choose KINDNESS. We never know what burdens people carry, a simple word, a simple action, a single act of kindness can transform someoneās life.
I find joy in simple everyday moments like sipping my coffee every day on my porch - back patio today š„° - I look forward to that every day.
I find joy in the evening walks I take with Stan talking about the ins and outs of life, what made us smile that day, what made us cry, what made us feel disappointed, talking to him is healing and joyful.
I find joy in the opportunities I have each day to be of service in any way through my job.
I find joy witnessing the bond between my daughters, knowing that they love each other immensely and unconditionally. Itās an amazing feeling!!! š
I find joy in listening to my momās voice on the other end of the phone line every day. Every time we talk she greets me with the same level of love and enthusiasm as if I had just come back from a two year vacation without means of communication. TRUE LOVE.
I choose to find joy in every step I take, literally. In all the things I see, especially when the going gets hard. The moments of joy I mentioned above are some of the special moments in life that when the going gets tough, lift me up, help me heal, and remind me of the true meaning and purpose in life.
Joy, love, service, kindness. ā¤ļø
Tuesday, August 3, 2021
Getting ready to go to sleep after a long, long day, but 100% beaming with joy, and smiling from ear to ear about the day. ā¤ļø
We had a program at the church where I work for young children, their families and even adults at heart, and it was such a great success that we really couldnāt have asked for a better turn out and fun.
Many families came out to join us in the courtyard, dance, listen to stories, eat some treats, play with friends, and just have fun. The cherry on top was the weather, it just couldnāt have been nicer!!! Really, a fantastic time!
Today was a great reminder of the big blessing of community, and friendship. I was thrilled to see so many families enjoying themselves and getting some fresh air, but also, so, so incredibly happy and thankful for volunteers. People with a heart of gold that make our community of faith the welcoming place we are so honored to called home.
Today was an awesome day!
āMy feet are tired, but my soul is wide awake.ā ā¤ļø
Monday, August 2, 2021
Today is off to a very good start!!! I woke up with the intention of getting healthy again! Earring food that is good for my body, walking, and having a āI can do this!ā mindset! So far, so good! ššŖš»
I have not gone on walks for months! I wasnāt inspired, I didnāt make time for it, I was too tired, too unmotivated, too, too, tooā¦ the thing is, I made every excuse under the sun, to not make movement a priority in my life. Going for a walk this morning felt very good, and it reminded me of that awesome feeling I love when I come back from a long walk, tired, and sweaty! š
On a separate noteā¦ this morning, as I was in the kitchen making breakfast, my oldest daughter came downstairs and asked how I was doing. I said, I was doing ok, and then mentioned that this month is my brotherās birthday month, ātio JesĆŗsā, as they called him, and she immediately hugged me, and she started crying. Of course, I cried too! She apologized for making me cry, I said, there was absolutely nothing to apologize for, we are still very much grieving his loss, and tears heal. This years is the year of firsts after his death. First anniversary, first holidays without him, first year not celebrating his birthday (although we are in a special, and different day), first everything, and those first after the loss of a loved one, HURT, a great deal!
Both my girls loved my brother immensely. but I think Michelle had a special bond, a special connection with him because when she was little, he lived in Chicago for a short time and we spent a lot of time together. He LOVED both my girls!!!
I remember one time Michelle when was sick with the flu, I think she was 7-8 years old, and she had stayed home from school that day. We had just come home from the Pediatricianās office when the doorbell rang at home. I opened the door, and there was my brother who had stopped by to surprise Michelle on his way to work to cheer her up a little. He had a bag of McDonaldās with lunch for Michelle, a box with a toy he had just bought for her, and balloons, Michelleās face lit up!!! He didnāt come in, he never wanted to inconvenience us, or anyone. That was my brother!!! He was generous, and kind beyond belief, and he never asked for anything in return, he loved us all unconditionally. We were the lucky ones. š
As I start this new month with full intention, and awareness about my life, my body, and my surroundings, I do it with gratitude. Gratitude for the blessings that surround us, despite the hardship, and also, for the opportunity to be able to make choices of renewal, and improvement. I take absolutely nothing for granted! Looking forward to seeing what the month of August will bring! š«
Sunday, August 1, 2021
Today, we welcome a new month. A new month filled with possibilities. Possibility for kindness, gratefulness, improvement, rest, friendship, love, acceptance, self care, and so much more. I love beginnings, beginnings bring opportunity. ā¤ļø
Today was a busy day, a very busy day, itās almost 9 pm and Iām just sitting down. Today was also a very productive day, and even though Iām feeling a little spent right now, my heart is filled with gratitude.
Iām especially grateful for the girls doing grocery shopping today on a day when Stan needed to rest, and I had projects to do for work. Theyāve been busy at home all day taking care of things, and right now they are playing some type of game on the tv, and Michelle has another zucchini bread in the oven, which I am so looking forward to tasting with my coffee.
Weāve never celebrated half birthdays at home, but this year, to add something a little more positive to our heavy 2021 season, we decided to celebrate Michelleās 1/2 birthday since her actual 23rd birthday on January 31st ended up on a not so good note with a trip to the ER, and an over night stay at the hospital that resulted on emergency surgery. On her 23rd birthday, we were still knee deep into the pandemic, with heavy protocols, and NO visitors at the hospital. I still remember dropping off Michelle at the ER entrance and the nurse who admitted her saying to us, āIām sorry, but we are not accepting companions or visitors right now.ā With broken hearts, and not knowing what would happen that day, Stan and I stayed in the parking lot of the hospital for over 2 hours, in the middle of winter! Thank goodness for heat in the car, but still with that, it was not a pretty sight.
I felt so heartbroken for Michelle, she had been so sick for a few weeks, she was so weak, thin, and in pain, and on top of all that to end up in the ER on your birthday, well, that was NOT the cherry on top we were hoping for that day, so this girl definitely needed a redo of her birthday celebration!
Anyways, yesterday after Stan got home from the hospital, we celebrated with take out from Chipotle (Stanās and the girls pick!), gluten free cupcakes (HALF š), from Sweetland Bakery, her birthday gift and card we forgot to give her in January due to the many issues we had going on that day and the weeks prior, and lots of awesome conversations, and laughter that we all SO needed!!!
It was a perfect way to end the month of July, and to seal Michelleās 23rd birthday with smiles and love.
I told the girls that this will NOT š be a tradition the Borla family will be startingā¦ but instead a very well deserved celebration! ā¤ļø
I always loved the month of August (I guess I still do), but it now comes with a bittersweet taste. My brother JR was born in August, his birthday is on the 31st, and I always looked forward to celebrating him, whether we were close by, or from the distance. I celebrated his life every day, and August 31st was always a special day, to celebrate him a little more, a little bigger. Tears are rolling down my face as I write this, I welcome all of them, my joys, and my hurts. This hurts, but slowly, Iām learning to accept, not to āmove onā, moving on feels like forgetting, and I will never forget him, but I am starting to make peace with his absence.
My brother was a GIVER, he gave whatever he could, his treasures (he didnāt have much, but what he had, he shared), his gifts, his talents, his generosity, his knowledge, his faith, his love, his LIFE! š
I am planning on celebrating his life in a special way this month. I hope heāll feel my love, our love for him, wherever he is. I am determined to continue his legacy of giving, gratitude, and faith, and I will honor and remember him that day until I am able to do so.
As we welcome a new month, may we make a commitment to walk in full awareness, being grateful for the many blessings we have given, being kind, generous, and never taking a single day for granted. Peace! ā¤ļø
