I Loved You At Your Darkest
You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have…
We have been treading turbulent waters at home lately. The uneasiness of this particular situation has left me physically and emotionally drained, but most importantly, I have felt a sense of loss spiritually speaking. That terrifies me the most as I heavily lean on that spiritual support to get me through life’s ups and downs.
This past Sunday we were getting ready to go to church when I said to my husband, “you know what? I don’t think I’m going to go to church today, I’m just not feeling it!” I think Stan’s face stayed frozen in time in disbelief for a few minutes and after gasping he asked “What? Why?” and then he said “I can’t believe it!” The last sentence hurt me the most. I didn’t need to be judged at that moment. That was MY moment of grief with my faith, MY moment of tiredness and sorrow, MY moment to find peace within myself in my own way. He went to church. I stayed home and busied myself doing chores. While he was at church, I found myself quickly questioning my decision to stay home and skipping the most sacred day of the week for us. The day we worship with our community of faith, the day we give thanks for all the blessings received, which are many, and also the day we ask God for strength to help us continue to carry our burdens.
I felt guilty almost all day. My absence at church that day felt to me like a betrayal of some sort. I didn’t like any of those feelings. I’ve never been a fan of guilt trips and things that feel forced. At some point during the day I had this incredible moment of peace invade my heart, and I knew it had been okay to stay home from church that day, to be with myself and my feelings and worship and grief in my own way.
Our relationship with God is equal to the one with our children, only bigger and better.
The love we have for our children is bigger than any oceans and any mountains . Our love for them surpasses all fears, doubts, worries and uncertainties. Our love for our children is most of all, forgiving, accepting, loyal and reconciling. We love them and wish only the best for them during their proudest days but also during their weakest moments. We are in their lives unconditionally and that is exactly how I picture my relationship with God. The God that has journeyed through life with me, side by side, step by step and has lifted me up when I’ve felt like my feet couldn’t carry me anymore. I am loved. I know I am.
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13
