NOVEMBER JOURNAL 🍁

It’s the first day of December, but I’m here reflecting on the month of November, and it feels right, I just didn’t “feel” all the feelings yesterday, although I did enjoy my special cup of coffee and yummy oatmeal in the morning while I gathered all my November thoughts. 

November was a difficult month for me, I struggled quite a bit with emotions and the harsh reality of the absence of my dear family members.  Some days were worse than others, some days were better than others, I went through every emotion every day, I sat with my pain, I rejoiced in the joys I felt, and I also gave thanks for the good in my life.

In the heaviness of my grief, I still have a lot to be thankful for.  When I think about the many blessings in my life, my brother Will is at the very top, especially this year.

My brother Will, the middle sibling of the three Gaxiola musketeers has always walked through life with grace, and humbleness.  He’s not the kind to scream, “here I am!” never craving attention, but he’s always there… loving, kind, always present.  Will is a man of honor in every sense of the word.  My brother Will has been in charge of EVERYTHING this year pretty much, and there has been a LOT to be in charge of. 

When my dad got sick in January, my brothers immediately took charge and they were at my dad’s side at the hospital keeping vigil day and night in the thick of covid infections and protocols.  One full week, 168 hours, taking turns with long shifts, day and night.  The day after my dad died, my brother Jesús got very sick and Will, once again submerged in his grief after loosing my dad, put on the “man of the house hat”, and took charge.  During my brother’s hospitalization, him too, along with my mom, got very sick with Covid, especially him, but he kept going, never loosing sight of what needed to be done, because he had no other choice.  He cared for my mother, gave her medicine around the clock, did breathing treatments for her, cooked, fed her, while he himself could’ve used a helping hand as well.  We were blessed with caring and loving hands that delivered meals, food, and medicine during the time my mom and brother Will were in quarantine, I will never forget those acts of kindness.  They were angels on earth!!!

The months of January, February, March, and April were simply BRUTAL!!!  Some day I think about those days, and I don’t even know how we survived them. 

Will took care of two different hospitals paperwork, he purchased medicine, ran errands, figured out logistics of schedules (who will be were when), and then in the agony of worrying about very sick family members… the awful realty of dealing with funeral paperwork, twice! He escorted funerals hearses twice in three weeks, with a heart filled with anguish, memories, LOVE, he drove behind to bid his last farewells.  He visited the funeral home to make arrangements TWICE, the agony itself of looking through legal papers to make arrangements is heart piercing. He then had to go from a grieving soul of saying goodbye to two of his most beloved people in the world, to “I’m here for you too mom, I’ll take care of you, and make sure you survive this.” And he did it with grace, in the biggest act of selfless act I’ve ever seen in my life (truly!), disregarding himself, and his own needs to care for the needs of his loved ones.

As I reflected on this year, and the blessing my brother Will has been to our family during this year (and every day), I kept thinking, “wow, in the midst of his own grief, anguish, despair, he NEVER forgot me… he always included me in everything through the distance, every minute of the day he thought of me, and my own pain of these awful experiences, and he always did it in the most loving way. He kept me informed, and included me in every decision, and update along the way, daily, many times a day.” 

I have a lot of things to be grateful for despite all the losses, but this year in particular, I give thanks for my brother Will, for his selfless willingness to help those he loves, and for taking charge of all the things that needed to be done. 

When I was in Mexico this past Spring to attend my dad’s and my brother’s funeral, I said to him, “you’ve done enough, let me handle the church part.” I thought… I’m a church lady afterward, how hard can that be, right? The lady at the church was as rude as she could be, and I felt completely vulnerable in my pain, almost unable to keep going, that I couldn’t even handle that. My brother lovingly said to me that day after he saw my struggle… “don’t worry, I’ll take care of it, I’ll deal with that, with them.”  He did, things were done, and he also carried me, when he could barely carry himself. 

I won the brothers lottery! God blessed me with two magnificent brothers that have always reminded me of how special, and important family bonds are, and always without the need of saying a word about it.  They ARE (were), the living example of “actions speak louder than words.”

I am beyond thankful for them, so thankful!!! ❤️💙