Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Well, it’s almost 10:30 pm, I just sat down for the first time since 6 am this morning and I’m really tired, and I don’t have the energy to go into detail about my day or be too philosophical about life right now, so I think I’ll just sit here for a while.

Today was a very eventful day, and somehow, I was able to make some time to cook a yummy and healthy dinner and that made me feel good.

Tomorrow starts the Triduum, the holiest time of the year in the Catholic Church, a time of sorrow and a time of joy, a journey of love.

My personal Lenten season started earlier this year, I’ve been walking through the desert since the beginning of the year, and I’m looking forward to some rest, peace and joyful moments ahead. 

Tomorrow we will start a brand new month, warmer days, moments to celebrate and I am READY to turn the page and wave goodbye to March.

April, I am SO ready for you!!! Please, please, please... be my friend! 💛

Tuesday, March 30, 2021

I had started this journal page with an apology: “I’m sorry if I sound melancholic and gloomy...” but you know what, I’m not, and I won’t, because I refuse to apologize for the deep pain my heart and my soul is feeling right now and I will not try to push it away or to pretend that it isn’t there anymore.  It’s there, it’s very much there, it’s never left.  

Our lives have many seasons.  Seasons of joy, seasons of beginnings, seasons of challenges, seasons of accomplishments, seasons of sorrow... this is a heavy season of sorrow for us, for me, and I will sit in that room for a while, take it all in, cry as much as I have to, let my soul heal, my heart breath, and my mind rest and then when I feel refreshed and ready to face life again, in the same “Maria’s style of facing challenges...” I will emerge again and smile with more ease, and I will see the heavy pain I’m feeling right now, as memories, and maybe those memories will even put a purpose in my walking, in my life journey. 

My dad’s only surviving brother died late on Sunday night, we got the news in the early hours of yesterday, and although he had been in the ICU for a few days, his illness was sudden and unexpected end his loss tragic as well.  Although I was never too close to my uncle, I loved him and appreciated his life in my dad’s life.  My uncle was one of the few people my dad had in his very small group of friends.  The one my dad met for coffee, and to talk about stories of their childhood and people they knew. My uncle always stopped by my parents house whenever I was in Mexico visiting my family.  He’d walk in quietly and not making too much fanfare (just like my dad was) and say “Maria de Lourdes, como estas?”, and he’d start asking about Chicago and the kids, and say just a few things about his six kids, laugh a little (I can still hear him), and then he’d excuse himself to go in the back porch with my dad to drink coffee.  It all seems so surreal now.

I’ve suffered from PTS before, for a long time actually, I still do in some instances.  The very horrible car crash I was in years ago left me with some big scars and fears, but time has healed a lot of those scars and fears.  I didn’t think that could happen with grief as well, but well, yesterday’s news about my uncle proved my theory wrong.  PTS apparently can happen in any instance of traumatic stress and life challenges, and death crowning the list of those life challenges and stresses, of course hearing about my uncle’s death, affected me greatly, even though we weren’t the “talk to each other for hours... ” type of relationship.

His passing awoken, stirred ALL kinds of emotions, and feelings and sadness I had worked so hard to “hide” inside of me, or maybe progress I was making in the grief department.  His passing brought back all the pain I felt when my dad died, and I once more ached for just one more conversation, one more hug, one more “let me talk to Stan...” (he was his biggest fan!), and I wanted to scream and call his name, as IF he would have come back from the grave and continue to walk with us here on earth.  Well, you know the answer to that. 

My “I miss you so much”, thoughts and feelings and emotions about my dad, quickly turned to anger and denial and anguish as I thought of my brother’s death.  Why?! Because his death doesn’t make sense!!! It never will, for me at least, but I will hopefully one day, understand it and accept it, this is too early into this grieving process that I hate to be honest. 

I have had moments when I think of him and smile, without tears leaking from my eyes, so that’s progress, right?! I think so.  Last night I had a dream about him.  We were in some type of farm, a big field, like a vegetable farm, and him, little Michelle and I were walking through the field, we were all so happy! All of a sudden, a big, huge tractor pull up besides us and asked my brother if he wanted to ride it, to drive it.  My brother chuckled, looked a me and smiled the biggest smile and then said to the voice coming from the tractor... “sure!” He hoped on, and between giggles he disappeared into this very happy cornfield. 

There is no doubt in my mind that he’s happy, that he’s in a very good place. I am the one who is sad, I am the one who is struggling to make sense of this huge mess.  One day at a time, and now, even more aware of setbacks.  Prepared for them? Never! But I’m still trying... 💙

📸: me, in the passenger seat driving dropping Stan off at work. One car family for now.

Monday, March 29, 2021

“My feet are tired, but my soul is wide awake.” ~Sister Pollard

I love that quote, for many reasons.  I think it could be interpreted and applied to so many things in life.  In my case, I felt that way yesterday, and I’m thankful for that. 

Yesterday was a pretty awesome day, a very busy day, but an awesome day nonetheless. 

For most of those that work at a church, big liturgical feast days Ana celebrations mean, lots of work, but the kind of work that leaves your soul smiling at the end of the day. 

When I got home from work yesterday I immediately ate something, I was so hungry!!! Well, actually, I picked up Chipotle on my way home after dropping off blessed Palms for a friend.  A Whole30 lifestyle bowl with extra protein because I hadn’t had a proper breakfast.  It was delicious and just what I needed after a long work day, I didn’t feel like cooking yesterday.

After I ate, I edited some pictures I took at church and transcribed our Pastor’s homily which was amazing and so touching.  Uploaded all that to social media and then it was rest time for me, and I took that assignment of mine to myself 😉, very seriously.  I sat on the couch for a few hours and binged on Grace and Frankie and later in the evening, my daughters and I watched a super cute movie on Netflix called “Moxie”.  If I had to do High School all over again, I’d like to be a Moxie, that’d be the group I’d like to belong to, amazing girl power! I was so tickled by a conversation in the movie about personality types, that I ended up taking a personality type that my daughters told me would tell me MY personality type, in the way they referred to in this movie, apparently, I am a “ENFP-A” and after reading most of the results and descriptions, they got it right! I haven’t read the entire document they give you at the end, because it was super late and I was tired, but the first few things were mostly accurate.  Anyways, super cute and wholesome movie!

I talked to my mom a couple of times yesterday, and the second time right before I went to sleep.  They are two hours behind there and it’s nice to have that window of opportunity to talk to my mom even if it’s late here.  Before we hang up she says to me “I have this really beautiful prayer for the morning, do you want to hear it?!” I said “of course!” And she started reciting it.  I asked her how she managed to read it and she says promptly and a little surprised that I even asked, “oh, I memorized it, I can’t read anymore, I don’t see.” AMAZING!!! My mother’s visual disability has never gotten on her way of doing the things she loves and especially taking her joyful spirit away, she inspires me daily. 

My mom shared with me last night that ever since her vision got worse (legally blind), she has memorized all of her favorite prayers, which I’m sure are many. She said “I pray them every day, no need to read, I know them by heart.” Her willpower, determination and spirituality despite all the challenges she’s faced for many, many years, are my biggest source of inspiration.  A faith filled human being with a heart of gold, and she is my mother, can you believe that?! 🥰

Today, is another busy work day for me, I’m trying to get all my ducks in a row before taking some time off to visit my mom and brother, but I really couldn’t be happier about it.  I almost lost my sleep last night looking at Amtrak images and picturing myself boarding the train, oh my goodness, I LOVE trains so much, it’s almost ridiculous! 😁

Thankful for a great day yesterday and looking forward to a day of good possibilities and accomplishments today.

May we all have a kind day! ❤️

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Have I ever mentioned how much I enjoy my time alone with my cup of coffee in the mornings?! Because I do! 😍

Everyone is out of the house for church, well, except Daisy, I couldn’t convince her to go, dogs... you know! 😉 I’m sitting in my favorite corner of the kitchen listening to the howl of the wind and sipping my coffee, it’s a perfect cup of coffee this morning, and I’m loving it! I have a candle lit and my daily prayers for healing book with daily meditations, right now, life feels a little more balanced that it has felt recently and I’m happy to welcome those blessings.

I’m leaving for church/work shortly and we have a big day ahead of us, an exciting day for all Catholics around the globe.  A day to welcome the King of all Kings and the start of the Holy Week which has always been (since I was little) one of my favorite weeks of the year at church. 

My mom always made sure that we fully immersed in all things church during Holy Week.  I remember when my brothers and I were elementary school age, she’d stop us on the way out - backpacks on and all - with her little Lenten book for children and would read to us the Lenten reflection of the day.  I do remember a few eye rolls from time to time, from all of us, especially from me and my brother Jesus if you can believe that! 😁

We went to church religiously every day of the Triduum and participated in all of the services that the church offered.  Even though we lived a stone throw away from the ocean, there was never going to the beach for us during Holy Week, my mom always said “it’s a sacred time, not a party time”, and we followed her lead.

My mom has always had the sweetest disposition for everything, and I enjoyed those special days worshiping along side.  On many occasions, I think she rewarded us with take out after Mass or services or a special treat she’d make for us at home.

My mother’s faith formation during our childhood and teenage years was the foundation for my connection with my faith now and my relationship with God.

Although I’ve felt disconnected, or became distant and cold towards my faith from time to time because of life experiences I couldn’t understand, it never separated me from my beliefs and the deep love I have for my faith, at the end, it’s what’s helped me get through life.  When I’ve gone through big life struggles that seem so impossible to survive, and I keep feeling a little whisper of love, even though I want to push everything faith related away, I always think of our own relationship with our children from time to time.  When they are going through dark valleys in their own lives, and we show them in quiet, loving ways we are there, even if they are not ready to welcome our love, our understanding, our protection, they know we will always be there for them to welcome them back when they are ready, because true love liberates and overcomes everything. 

Today, it’s a big day in the Catholic Church.  A day to welcome the King, a day to wave our Palms, our branches and proclaim that we will journey with him in the days ahead during Holy Week. 🌿✝️

Saturday, March 27, 2021

Today was a total blah day for me, those days when you feel a little “deflated”, but I was able to stay focused on Whole30 and that was good for me. 

I really struggled with grief today, it makes me sad when I catch myself struggling, it’s like my whole self just wants to feel “normal” again and then I circle back to feelings of loss and denial, and I want to reach for my phone and call my brother, or call my house and have my dad answer the phone, even if he just says “hi, how are you? Let me find your mom for you.” 

Every time I see or hear something that reminds me of my brother, a tsunami of emotions come crashing down on me and I want to call someone and have them tell me that it was all a dream, a bad dream and it’s all over now, unfortunately that’s not the case. 

Being at work today helped me too, distractions help me, although I cried at my desk today, and prayed no one would walk by and see me like that, but then I thought, I’m not going to hide my tears today, if they see me, they see me and I’ll tell them the truth, I’ll tell them I’m struggling and I’m having a tough day.  No one walked by, and I was able to have a “good” health cry by myself. 

On a positive note (well, maybe not for Stan 😄), he picked me up at work today and I looked and boy oh boy, he got a really bad haircut today and he was very upset about it haha - he had a whole story about it and the hairdresser and I don’t remember laughing so much in a while.  He’s hoping his hair grows back for his birthday next month on the 15th, lol! 

I had my coffee on the porch this morning but I wasn’t in the writing mood, so I just sat there.  Now, I’m sitting in the living room all by myself, and a bowl of grapes next to me and taking in the silence and quiet of the night.  Sometimes stillness calms the mind and comforts the soul. 💙

Friday, March 26, 2021

I woke up feeling quite relaxed today, and I’m actually kind of loving it to be honest. I’m taking my time sipping my coffee before I had to head out to work and tackle the day. 

Last weekend I made an appointment to meet with a friend who happens to be a grief expert, in every sense of the word.  I was excited about the opportunity and also a little intimidated at the fact that I had to expose my vulnerability with grief.  It’s not as easy as one may think.  Wednesday was a challenging day for me that ended up with tears and Thursday welcomed me almost the same way.  I attempted cancelling (or rescheduling actually) our appointment, but she’s smart and well connected with the feelings of grief and she read through my emotions in the text I was sending. She was opened of course to rescheduling and understood 100% but then in our text conversation I realized that the only reason I was denying myself of that opportunity to meet about my grief WAS grief, how ironic is that?! 

I decided to go just as I was, I knew she’d understand even if I arrived a mess of emotions.  I did.  I cried my whole way there, not the ugly, desperate type of cry, but the sad, quiet, tears rolling down your face kind.

Making the decision to keep that appointment was one of the best things I’ve done this week.  Going at a time when I felt most vulnerable and when sadness had invaded my mind, heart and soul again, was the perfect time to go and to talk, and to be listened to, and to have her witness my pain, and to cry and to listen to her and to cry end again, and boy did I cry! It all felt good and by the time I left and I was heading back to work, my spirit felt renewed, and in that moment, it felt like a gift, it was a gift.  One day at a time... 💙

Last night I had a dream about my dad, he looked sooo happy, this time he visited me in my dream in his late 60’s, early 70’s maybe, full of life, carefree, unshaven, humming a Pedro Infante song (a popular Mexican actor and singer from the early 1900’s), cup of coffee in hand, a cigarette in the other hand and he was walking across the street from my parents home to sit in his favorite drinking coffee spot to sip his coffee in the sunshine with just the perfect amount of shade.  It brought me so much joy to see him so happy and well! There is no doubt in my mind that my dad is in a very happy place, my entire being feels it! 

In less than three weeks I’ll be on my way to see my mother and my brother and aunts and cousins and friends and I cannot contain my happiness! Love, good food, memories shared and new memories made, hopefully a little bit of ocean also and plenty of sunshine will surely renew my soul. 💛

Thursday, March 25, 2021

I feel confused this morning, not the “disoriented” type, but the “what’s going on with this rollercoaster of feelings...” type of confusion.

This is what grief feels in my corner of the world on day 71 after my dad’s passing and day 46 after my brother’s passing.  No, I’m not counting, well, maybe a little, I can’t help it, facts helps me these days, they make things a little more real in this fictional world I seem to be living lately.   Grief feels like a bandit, like a bandit, a burglar, someone that shows up unexpectedly when you are off guard and takes away your possessions, sometimes, your precious processions. 

Yesterday came knocking on my door to remind me that I’m still very much healing, that the pain I’m trying to “hide” or protect or make it look less painful, it’s still very much there, maybe not with the same intensity -thankfully- but it’s still very much there, but of course it is, how and why should it be gone, my loved ones are still dead. 

Yesterday and the days before I thought I was doing quite well in my grief journey, I was actually shocked at how well I seemed to be handling it, and that saddened me a little too because I thought “I can’t get over this sadness this fast?!” But I was happy for my happiness and the new hope I was feeling, I AM feeling.  

Yesterday came knocking on my door to remind me that it’s ok to still have feelings of anguish and sadness and even despair and moments when NOTHING makes sense, but we keep going, because we have faith and hope that life will provide the healing and understanding we need. 

I talked to my mom briefly yesterday because I had a very busy day at work, but since my dad got sick the first week of January, we’ve talked many times during the day every day, now it’s at least twice or three times a day, yesterday, I couldn’t call until later in the evening. During the course of the day my brother shared with me that he had completed all the paperwork for the niches in the mausoleum where my dad’s and brother’s cremated remains will be deposited after we have their funeral Mass.  I saw the mausoleum, I saw their resting place, I didn’t like any of it, but I had to deal with it like a full grown adult that I am, it hurst as I type, gees, I hate all of this, but can I do darn it, nothing!!! Last night I said a prayer for my brother Will too, it can’t be easy making all these arrangements by himself, your father and your youngest brother... it’s even hard to put it into words.

Then, I talked to my mom before I went to sleep and she casually shared that a company had picked up some furniture that used to belong to my dad and my brother, and that was like ripping off a bandaid that had been placed on an open wound, I can’t imagine how hard it must be for my mom and brother Will to be making all those decisions too, and to experience their absence every day in a home where their presence was SO palpable. 

When my mom started sharing I quickly changed the conversation, I didn’t want to hear about it, I didn’t want to know more, I’m sure she realized what I was doing, but my heart couldn’t take it anymore. We said goodnight after she told me about a delicious salad she had eaten for dinner (if you think I’m passionate about food, you should hear the way my mom describes foods she loves, ha! She’s awesome!) and then I laid down to go to sleep and a tear showed up out of nowhere and then another one, but I was able to pacify myself and eventually fall asleep.  

This morning I woke up feeling a little blue if you may, thinking, processing things, thinking too much... but the day will develop and life will go on as it does every day.  

Remember the tribute/memorial/altar I created at home for my dad and brother with candles, pictures and flowers and a basket of all those wonderful sympathy cards we received? I’ve noticed every day that no matter what day it is, or what time, by the time I come downstairs or come back from work, the battery operated candle a friend gifted us is always ok. Stan and the girls have started turning that candle on every single day, I’m thinking, it gives them comfort too. What a great gift rituals are for our souls. 

I just read my daily prayer from the book “prayers for healing” and the beginning of today’s prayers goes like this, “Beloved God, show me the truth about this. I surrender all fears, doubts, and judgements, and invite the light of perfect consciousness to illuminate my path...” by Alan Cohen - how perfect is that?! Love it! 

I have my other book “Finding Meaning” by David Kessler that I’m reading right after I finish this journal page, I already read a couple of pages soon after I came back from dropping Stan off at work, but I want to read a little more. I’m in the chapter called “Comunal Mourning”, where he talks about the importance of Funerals and wake services. Interesting, I just mentioned that a few days ago in one of my journal pages, it’s good to know that I’m not alone with all these feelings. 

The day I decided to welcome and acknowledge all my feelings of grief and process them fully without guilt and shame, was one of the best days, that alone is helping me heal too. ❤️

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

I’ve been up since 6:15 am already, don’t know what got into me, but I don’t feel tired thankfully. 

Yesterday was a not so good, terrible kind of day dealing with side effects from my second Covid vaccine.  I woke up and felt “just ok”, I thought that’d be the extent of it, WRONG.  By the time I got in the shower to get ready for work I started to feel sick, and by the time I was out of the shower I could hardly walk back to bed, my body felt as if I had been ran over by a truck and the truck had gone back to run me over “just in case”, omg every inch of my body hurt and I was starting to develop a fever on top of it, or felt like that because of it! Thankfully, my fever never went over a 102, but it was pretty close.

I was able to have breakfast ok, but then for lunch I had no appetite, but I made myself eat some fruit and walnuts. By the time dinner came around I was feeling a little better, the fever had broken and I was able to go downstairs to the kitchen to make something to eat.  My daughter had made dinner, but it wasn’t Whole30 complaint and I wanted to make sure I stayed on track.  It was a successful trip to the kitchen, a super simple chicken breast dinner with sweet potatoes and a side salad.  I stayed super hydrated throughout the day and I think that helped too.

I’m feeling a lot better today, actually the symptoms are gone just as fast as they came, a 24 hour ordeal dealing with miserable side effects that we’re definitely worth while!!! I’m so relieved to have the vaccine and be able to travel to visit my family soon. 

I was able to work from home yesterday for a few hours, but today I will have a lot of catching up to do.

Making the decision to stay home yesterday and in bed 90% of the day, was the smartest thing I’ve done for myself lately. We must listen to our bodies in order to heal, in any way. 

Our family has a few important things to take care of today, and I’m thankful that the Covid vaccine side effect have worn off so we can go on with our plans. 

Wishing you a kind and joyful day. 💛

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

Taking this morning slow today.  I had my second Covid vaccine yesterday and my arm doesn’t feel as bad as it did the first time, but I have some bad headache going for some reason.  In the migraine world of mine, which thankfully has been a good one lately, that could mean anything, either a side effect from the vaccine, OR the fact that it’s supposed to rain later today and the barometric pressure is like poison to my head.  I’m going to take it slow and work from home a little this morning until my migraine medicine kicks in. 

Driving to our appointment to get our second Covid vaccine yesterday felt so good and so surreal.  I felt very blessed by the opportunity, especially because thanks to these two vaccines, I will be able to visit my family in Mexico and see my mom and my brother.  It still feels so, so strange not saying “my parents and my brothers.” I’m sure I’ll get used to it eventually, but the good thing is that I’m not crying as I type that, I think I’m making progress in the grief department, at least for right now and I’ll take it. 

I am counting down the days until I can go to my hometown in Mexico and hug my mom and my brother.  I won’t lie, I am definitely not looking forward to facing the reality of a half empty house and all the painful reminders of my dad’s and my brother’s absence and the funeral Mass and the placing of the urns in the niches of the church, and, and, and... everything that has to do with it, and in my mind, I want to rush all of it and do it as fast as I can and be “done and over it”, like ripping off a bandaid off your skin as fast as you can so it doesn’t hurt as much, but if I’ve learned anything about grief in the past couple of months is that rushing things, is not an ideal recipe for healing.  We must feel in order to heal, and with confidence I say, that I am willing to do all that it takes to witness the pain, to witness the emptiness, and to experience it all, for I know that through it all, I will also have the comfort and protection of my mother’s love and strength and the support of my brother Will, and all my other family and friends that have been so incredibly supportive and loving and present in our lives through this. 

Less than a month before I board Amtrak to see my sweet mama and enjoy the glorious sunshine of Arizona and Mexico, ahhhh, it’s a different kind of air and sunshine I tell you! It’s like life feels a little different there, the mountains have a lot to do with it, they bring me back to my roots every single time. I never really appreciated (fully) the natural wonder and magic that surrounded me.  Mountains, sunshine, ocean, the most delicious food and the best hospitality in any given household you enter.  I can already feel the love... 

I think I’ll finish sipping my coffee and then I’ll get ready for work, I have lots to do and it’s a good day to be productive at the office.

Wishing you a KIND day, and opportunities to spread kindness yourself! 💛

Monday, March 22, 2021

It’s the start of a new week, it’s a new day and I was “up with the chickens” as they say in farmland, instead, it wasn’t chickens, it was Stan, his car broke down last Thursday and I had to drive him to work this morning.  We’ve been managing with one car for the past four days and it’s tiring, but I do have to say that I loved our quiet time alone this morning driving to work, me on the passenger seat.

Sadly, his Mini Cooper is beyond possible help, or if it were to be “helped” the repairs are not worth the money, so now that we have to look for a second family car, boy oh boy, never a good time for more expenses, but nobody asked for our opinion either. 😁 I’m sure Stan will find the best and most economical fit for us, in the meantime, we get to spend a few minutes together in the car alone, talking, catching up and enjoying the beautiful sunrises, the gifts of waking up early. 

I’m sitting in my favorite corner of the kitchen, the house is completely quiet, you could hear a pin drop I’m sure, and I’m loving this special time.  I have so much to reflect on and so much to give thanks to. Yesterday was an exceptional day for me, a day that allowed me time to do some healing, some grieving and lots of appreciating. 

Yesterday, I was up early too, I had to take care of some work stuff, and then I had to go to work, it was a busy morning and afternoon, and I was tired by the time I left.

A friend I met through church approached me yesterday and asked if she could give me a hug (thankful for vaccinations!), and I have to confess that the offer took me by surprise. It’s amazing what this Covid era has done to our minds, the norm is not the norm anymore, and we have had to learn new ways of showing love, support and appreciation.  This person is a very intuitive griever herself and I can almost imagine that she perceived my need to be loved and cared for. Of course I said “yes!” to the hug, I think I really needed a hug yesterday, and she was sent to me for that reason, she’s also a great hugger and her sympathy and love gave me strength and “permission” for vulnerability in her presence, not an easy thing to do.  Hugs have taken on a whole new meaning these days! ❤️

A couple of days ago I was sitting at the kitchen table by myself in a meditative kind of state I think.  My soul felt heavy and I was missing my brother a lot.  As I sat there, I received a text from a friend asking if I’d be interested on a walk and lunch outdoors sometime. Thankfully, my foot feels a lot better, and the forecast was promising a beautiful day the next day, so we made plans a nature walk yesterday, and lunch “al fresco”.  She even brought a Whole30 complaint lunch for me and the tastiest coffee from a local restaurant, yum!!!

We visited for almost three hours and it was just what I needed.  As my new favorite writer, speaker and grief expert would say “we need witnessed in our grief journey”, and that’s exactly what life gifted me with yesterday, a grief witness, a friend that listened, that cried with me, that prayed with me, that walked with me, that simply made herself available to me and my grief and all the other complicated things and emotions and decisions going on in my head, my heart and my soul in that moment.  I have been so self conscious of crying lately and showing my real emotions because I don’t want to be a burden, and yesterday, it felt good to talk and to cry and to really feel every emotions without inhibitions, what a special gift. In our walk, we had many amazing encounters with nature. Birds singing, a few butterflies a beautiful bunny eating grass and this sweet deer, how gorgeous is that?! (📸: my friend Juliette)

As we started our walk yesterday after lunch and an hour of conversation in, out of nowhere in one of the paths surrounded by many people since it was such a beautiful day out, a little girl by the age of 4 probably, came running straight to me, put her hand out holding a shiny and golden piece of paper and said as soon as she was in front of me, “I have a special gift for you, a piece of gold!” She handed me this special piece of tiny golden shiny paper and just as fast as she showed up, she ran off to keep being her happy four year old enjoying nature.  Because I’m constantly looking for signs and acknowledging special moments like this one, I’d like to thing it was indeed a special gift just for ME, sent by a loved one, reminding me that I am loved and most importantly, that I’m not alone, that they are always with me.  Among all the people there, I was “chosen” by this little girl to receive this special present, coincidence? I’d like to think not. 💛

I called my mom yesterday almost as soon as I got home from my walk and time with my friend to share about my day and I told her about the special gift I had gotten. I said “mom, I received a special message from Jesús today!” She replies, “Jesus as our Savior?!” Haha that made me chuckle... I said, “well, that too, but my brother, your son!” Needless to say, she loved the story and the message behind it.  The little, tiny piece of bright golden piece of paper is being housed in a prayers and blessings journal box given to me by a friend, and I already have a plan for it, the shiny piece of “gold”, given to me by a special messenger will accompany me for years to come. 💛

As I walked in from my walk yesterday, I noticed a piece of mail that had arrived for me.  A beautiful card from a friend and inside, a “breath blessing” bracelet with the message “in time of need, run your fingers along the simple string; grasp the medal (a cross) and breath.  By simply focusing your attention on taking a breath and linking that breath to God, we can dispel chaos and go back to our spiritual roots.” I already feel the peace and blessings of this bracelet by simply writing about it. 

Yesterday was an amazing day of growth for me in my grief journey, and for that I am beyond thankful! 🌿

Sunday, March 21, 2021

It’s Sunday morning, the alarm went off really early today to get ready for church, but I was blessed with the best offer a church lady could get.  Stan offered to help me take care of something I needed to do at church after Mass this morning so I don’t have to get there SO early, and I can sip my coffee at home in peace and quiet before the girls get up. Ahhhh, didn’t I tell you he’s a great guy?! 🥰

So that’s exactly what I’m doing, sitting, sipping and self caring! 😉

I absolutely love quiet moments and moments I spend alone. Not that I don’t like or appreciate the noise and the chaos of everyday life with everyone, but spending a few moments by myself especially in the morning céntrenme.

I was talking to a friend last night and our conversation made me realize the powerful meaning of friendship during times of grief, heartache, disappointment, etc.  People that can listen to us (and viceversa) and most importantly, people with whom we can be our very authentic selves, raw and real regardless of our circumstances.  If we think about it the human body, our human experience is such an amazing gift in all it’s form.  We are made of so many emotions, happiness, anger, sadness, fear, surprise, disgust and I was reading the other day that scientists have found out that now there are over 20 emotions, I have always been very intrigued by the emotions our bodies are capable of experiencing, the brain is so, so powerful!!! 

Recently I’ve been concerned about something that really shouldn’t be taking ANY space in my head, in my heart and most importantly in my soul, why do we give certain situations so much power?! I don’t think I’ve done more growth in my life, as much as I’ve grown since this year started.  Every day I learn something new these days, every day I grow, every day I realize that my time on earth is more precious that I ever realized and that it should be lived fully and if possible, as worry(less) free as we can. 

One day at a time... ❤️

Saturday, March 20, 2021

Today’s journal page is all about my husband (well, most of it at least) the good Stan as my uncle used to call him.

Yesterday, in the Catholic Church we celebrated the Feast of Saint Joseph, patron Saint of all fathers and throughout the day, and while being at church listening to homilies from the priests that celebrated Mass, I couldn’t help it but to think of Stan the entire time and it made me smile really big. 

Stan is the epitome of what a good, caring, loving and compassionate father he is, and the same goes for his husband qualities.  Stan was born a caregiver, a caretaker, and giver with the most compassionate and selfless spirit.  He never gets tired of serving, helping and answering to his call of a father and also a husband, sometimes I wonder if he really has all that energy all the time and that incredible ability for empathy and compassion, but of course he does, because if he’s anything, he’s an honest person.

He’s always looking to see how he can help the girls, what advice to give them, and with me, how to make my life journey a little easier.  I know it all sounds like this combination could almost be impossible and fictional, but it’s not, anyone who knows Stan knows this is truly who he is.  Stan was born a giver and a human with the kindest heart and I’m beyond grateful for having walking into his life many, many  springs ago. ❤️

This morning I woke up completely drained from any good energy, I think because last night I had such a hard time handling the grief I’ve been feeling for the last few weeks, and my physical body was screaming “stay in bed, take care of yourself...” and that’s exactly what I did! Stan brought me coffee to bed and and exclaimed when he walked in the bedroom coffee cup in hand “double, like you like it!” and I love that he chose this cup because, well... 😍

I managed to get up a little after I had my cup of coffee and get ready for work, I had to take care of a few things for the weekend.  When I got back from work, Stan was outside doing some gardening and Michelle was sitting on the porch with our dog Daisy by her side reading a book in the sunniest part of the porch.  Bella was out with a friend exploring nature.  All that made me SO happy, and I felt so much joy, for a moment I could sense peace and normalcy, and my heart was singing, I’m almost sure of it! 😉

I made a very delicious and healthy Whole30 dinner today and now I’m resting and will probably look for a movie on Netflix.  I want to do nothing else other than rest for the remaining part of the day, my body needs it, my soul needs it, I need it! 

Happy first day of Spring, the sun is shinning and love is in the air! 🌾

Friday, March 19, 2021

I’m currently sitting in my car inside the garage crying, the solitude and quiet of the garage feels good actually.  I didn’t purposely go in the garage to cry, although that’s not a bad idea if needed.  I came home from work not too long ago and all of a sudden a million emotions hit me at the same time, I’m sure my brain and my soul are having a hard time keeping up right now, but this burst of tears feel good.  

I’m not sharing this with the purpose of getting sympathy, instead my goal from the very beginning of this journey was to share my experience, raw and real, just as I feel it.  Grief SUCKS, grief hurts the physical body, grief walks in uninvited and can be triggered by even a look, grief is a different kind of life experience, grief is unique, so personal and so intimate. 

A lot good happened today, but I also had some heartache and disappointment, but that’s life isn’t it?! 

Yesterday I worked at the funeral home for a few hours and in a weird kind of way, it felt “good” being back, I haven’t been working there a whole lot since the pandemic started.  I love my Ahlgrim’s family, they’ve made me feel at home since day one, and they love me just as much as I love them.  I worked the wake for a family I’ve known through church for many years, the loveliest of families, and it brought me great joy being able to be of some support for them during their time of grief.

Being there also made me realize how important wakes are when a love one dies.  The time you spend with family and friends visiting with each other, being comforted, sharing stories about your deceased family members, and the sense of community provides a special support and gives meaning to the grief people are experiencing.  We didn’t have any of that for my dad and brother, and although I am beyond thankful for the memorial Mass we had for my dad and brother a few weeks ago - and that provided much needed closure to a point - I haven’t yet been able to really visit with anyone, and be present in my grief and allow others to witness my grief and walk that journey together with me. I’m hoping that going home to Mexico next month will provide the full closure I need. 

I think I’m going to go in now and face real life, and try to eat something, I’m really hungry! Tomorrow will be another day, and a day I’m determined to welcome with enthusiasm, determination, courage and all the vulnerability it will require.

I hope you all experienced some kindness during the day. ❤️

Thursday, March 18, 2021

Today would’ve been a perfect day to stay in bed or at home at least, we have a pretty busy day, all of us, but especially me, it’s all good things and things that need care anyways.  It’s cloudy, and rainy and wintery feeling and so cold again!!! I’m ready for warmer days and sunshine. ☀️

I was talking to my mom last night and her enthusiasm for life simply amazes me! She was sharing with me about the things my brother Will and her accomplished at home yesterday, projects that needed attention, and other things related to my dad and my brother JR.  It was indeed a good and positive day and she was even rejoicing about the take out food they ordered which they fully enjoyed together.  At the end of her sharing of the day she joyfully exclaims “God is good! We are so blessed!” 

Of course He is good and we are blessed, but what amazes me about my mother is her ability to recognize all of it, in an extraordinary way which is merely ordinary stuff, and on top of it in the midst of her losses.  To me, that in itself is a blessing, and I continue to learn from her wisdom.  I’m getting there little by little, but I have a long ways to go still...

Yesterday felt like a celebration of sorts  talking to my mom and brother.  Celebrations have taken on a new meaning these days, but I’m thankful that we are learning to go on and that we are growing from the love and memories our loved ones left behind for us.  

Although I have a busy day, I do however have time this morning to sip my coffee peacefully and quietly and in the presence of myself only and one of my books, which that alone allows for the morning to take on a special meaning. ❤️

Wednesday, March 17, 2021

It’s 10 pm and I’m finally sitting down, it’s been a very long day and I had a very bad night of sleep last night. Today, started as a not so good kind of day, starting with the fact that I woke up at 6:30 am to get ready for work after barely sleeping during the night, I think I got 3 hours of sleep, IF.  Too much going on in the little head of mine, as I was sharing with a friend today, the last couple of days have felt as if I’ve added extra layers of uninvited burden, but here I am right now, in bed again, feeling a lot better and hopefully going to sleep soon. 

I decided to make myself a cup of tea before bed called “tension tamer”, perfect! It’s delicious too! 

My day improved throughout the day THANKFULLY and to be honest, a lot had to do with my approach.  Half way through the day I made the conscious decision that circumstances would not affect pursuit for joy today, I succeeded! 🥰

My mom and my brother also had a very good day and they celebrated their accomplishments and all the work they got done by ordering cheeseburgers from my mom’s favorite burger place, onion rings and all, as my mom said it! I LOVE her zest for life and enthusiasm and the way she finds joy in the ordinary, she’s the cutest! 

Today I cried three times, one completely related to my brother, the other two, it was just moments of sadness and disappointment I think, but thankfully all the “brief” kind of tears. 

Not that I’m keeping scores or anything, but I’d say today was a good day, despite the couple “bumps on the road”, because I was able to accomplish some important projects and I also listened to my body and my emotions really well, that was important for me.

Just had my last sip of tea for the night, I’m praying I’ll be able to fall asleep fast enough and wake up refreshed. 

Today, I’m thankful for some moments of kindness I encountered, kindness is one of my favorite things. ❤️

Tuesday, March 16, 2021

Last night didn’t have a “good kind of end of the day” for me and to be honest, I don’t even know what triggered the outburst of sadness again.

I came back from my grief counseling yesterday and right after washing my hands I immediately got to work in the kitchen finishing making dinner which was in the crockpot and some on the stove.  I was so hungry and also excited about the two meals I had been cooking on and off all day, they looked delicious! 

Stan and I sat at the table, Bella was doing school work and Michelle didn’t feel great. We ate, we talked, Stan said at least four times, “this is so good!” and then we picked up and cleaned the kitchen together. 

As soon as we finished cleaning, I sat on the couch to unwind from the day and watch a movie, “The Intouchables”, which I loved!  And now that I’m thinking about it, I think the movie might’ve triggered my sadness, not because the movie is sad, not at all, if anything, it’s extremely inspiring, but I think because the main character in the movie is a classical music connoisseur and lover of all things art and books and knowledge and a great conventionalist and it all made me think of my brother, and ache for his presence and love and knowledge and feel the pain of his absence even more.

It wasn’t until the movie ended that I had this fleeting thought of “ugh, I wish I could text him right now and ask him if he’s seen the movie.” If he had, he would’ve shared immediately his take on the story, ALL of it, he was a man of depth who explored every aspect of everything, he wasn’t the kind to give you a “yeah, I watched it, it’s really good...” and move on, kind of person.  If he hadn’t watched it, he would’ve said “I haven’t seen it sister, I’ll check it out...” and then he would’ve proceeded to share something about Bach and some great composers of classical music and authors and the gift of art itself and probably recommend one of his favorite movies. But as we know, that didn’t happened because he’s gone, because I can’t text him anymore, because although I know he’s with me spiritually, his physical absence simply hurts too much and I can’t seem to understand any of it yet because it makes NO sense!!!

But... I will go on supported and carried by his memories and his love and the lessons I learned from him, and I will no longer rush my grief process.  I have been saying, I keep saying “but I will be ok...” I won’t say that anymore, I’m going to try to avoid saying that now, not because I don’t think that I will be “ok” one day, but because by saying that it’s almost feels as if I’m rushing my grief process and I’m doing it for others because I don’t want to be a burden of grief in their lives.  I need to care for me, about me, my whole self, without inhibitions, or regrets and specially no deadlines.  I need to nurture my body both physically and spiritually and mentally too, with nutrition, rest, tears, walks, journaling and anything that will help me heal and go on in life, with life. 

Life will never be the same, there is no possible way, but one thing I am very thankful for is that in the process of this unthinkable tragedy of loosing my dad and my brother soon after to Covid, life blessed us with the gift of seeing my mom’s and brother Will’s full recovery after also battling with the virus and pneumonia.  Those were some of my darkest days, because I couldn’t fathom anything other than a full recovery.  Seeing them in pictures right now and thriving after that horrible sickness, and talking to them on the phone, is one of my greatest joys these days... my source of strength at the moment.

I took a extra long shower this morning, after almost having to force myself out of bed, actually I did, I did force myself out of bed, but the hot water pouring down on my body helped.  Water is so healing, and renewing.  

Today, I am making a declaration of love and acceptance to myself.  To feel all the feelings, to cry when I want to, to rest when I need to, and to not be ashamed of my grief.  Grief is a very unique and a very personal experience, and no two people grief the same and we could never compare our situations or our burden of pain with others, because they are all so different.

A friend shared this magical poem with me this morning and honestly, I couldn’t have thought of it better. Thank you. 💫

One day at a time... 💙

Monday, March 15, 2021

After a long weekend of work, I’m enjoying a day off today with a delicious cup of coffee in hand. I already have two meals cooking for the day, one on the stove and the second one in a crockpot, yum!!! Hearty meals for this (again) cold winter day in Chicago!

I was talking to my mom last night getting a recap of her first social outing yesterday since the covid pandemic started and she couldn’t have been happier, she loved it all!!! My mom was born with the gift of enjoying life to the fullest, she’s been that way since the day I can remember, joyful, always thriving no matter what her circumstances are.

When I was talking to my mom last night I don’t know how we got into the subject of my brother.  Oh, now I remember... 🥰

My brother didn’t own a car, he actually struggled financially a lot the last few years of his life, especially after his illness five years ago, but he never lost his interests for life and learning, he was ALWAYS learning something new.  My mom shared that from time to time they would order pizza from a local pizza place they liked that wasn’t awfully far from their house and my brother would offer to pick it up, by foot.  He would walk the many blocks and come back and when he arrived the pizza box would be missing a few slices.  The first time my mom asked “what happened?’” She knew he wasn’t the one to be eating “in transit” 😉 He responded “I came across a homeless person and I gave him a couple of slices.”  The second time and the third time and all the other times, my mom said, she didn’t have to ask anymore, she knew the pizza slices had gone to better and more needy people.  

And stories like this one about my brother we have plenty to share.  My mom is a walking treasure of memories of my brother and I can’t wait to see her soon so we can exchange memories, although that seems to happen easier for my mom, for me it’s still very hard, but I’m learning to find joy in the memories, little by little.

My brother Will sent me so many wonderful pictures of my mom last night, his love for my parents and for my mom right now especially has always been beyond inspiring! He takes such big pride in caring for my mom and my mom, really, couldn’t have a better guardian and caregiver, they are truly blessed with each other.  It made me happy seeing both of them enjoying themselves a little after experiencing such trials in the last few months.  Glimpses of hope... 

Today, I have my weekly appointment with my grief counselor, I’m really looking forward to it, I always leave feeling a little more renewed and recharged. 

Be kind! ❤️

Sunday, March 14, 2021

I’m sitting in our living room wrapped in a cozy blanket. It’s a cloudy day in the mid 30’s in Chicago and it feels really good to be home right now doing nothing.  Stan is watching a gardening show on tv and the girls are making dinner in the kitchen... ahhh, it sounds heavenly, it feels like that, it’s not always like that, but I’ll take all that harmony and peace and love right now, I need it.

At church this morning I was caught off guard by a church friend who approached me to offer her condolences about my dad and my brother.  She had been away and we hadn’t had a chance to see each other or to talk. I wasn’t expecting anyone “new” to bring up my loss today, and of course it was done out of love but it really made me realize how incredibly vulnerable I still am about my losses.  I’ve been trying to push through and to understand and make sense of all that has happened, but the truth is, it still hurts a great deal, and today I was reminded of that. 

As we talked, my tears started rolling down my cheeks uninvited and I quickly had to compose myself, sometimes I just wished I could let myself cry all I want in front of people, when I’m approached by friends or acquaintances and they ask “how are you doing?” Sometimes, I want to cry, sometimes a tear peeks out, sometimes, I say “I’m doing ok... better.” I smile and move on.  

Maybe I’m not ok, maybe it’s too soon, maybe there is no “deadline” for my I’m feeling better, things are ok, time to move on kind of a deal.  Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m being a burden to others, to family and friends, especially to friends.  I almost expect family to understand my pain, after all they also knew and loved my dad and brother, even if they didn’t know them and loved them in the same capacity or level. But, I do get very self conscious about burdening friends with my grief, and sometimes I wonder, “how long can they love me for who they’ve always loved me with my current burdens and level of grief?!” Maybe I need to stop questioning things, people, situations, LIFE. 

Today, the air has a taste of melancholy, maybe it’s the weather, we always seem to blame everything to the weather at our house. 😁

I’m journeying through life with so much more awareness lately, nothing feels the same, nothing is the same, but I am grateful for the awakening to this new “movement” of life appreciation, and knowing that our time on this earth is fragile, brief, not promised and most importantly an amazing gift that should be celebrated!!! 

May we always walk with awareness, choosing to be KIND to others among all things and to be gentle with ourselves. ❤️

Saturday, March 13, 2021

Exactly a year ago today life as we knew it changed forever.  The beginning of the official lockdown felt terrifying in a way, but now looking back, the shortage of toilet paper and empty grocery shelves and not being able to go anywhere for weeks at a time feels like a walk in the park, and I’d give anything to have all that back if it meant that our lives could go back to a pre-covid time, but that’s not possible.  Nothing can ever compare to the devastation of loosing family members to the virus, but life goes on, and we make our best to continue to live our lives with joy. One day at a time. 

Today was a really great day! The sun was shining so bright and even though I spent the entire day at work, it didn’t feel like work because we celebrated many joyful occasions at the church and things were done in harmony and with a spirit of teamwork.

It was uplifting to “celebrate” the one year anniversary of the lockdown.  It feels strange to say the word celebrate and lockdown together, but today felt like a celebration of sorts.  Finding joy in the everyday and seeing the extraordinary even in the ordinary will always be one of the greatest blessings in life, at least from my point of view. 

Today, I give thanks for my family who supports me and carries me through life.  For the ability to be able to purchase food that fuel my body and food that I want to buy, not only what I can buy, food that allows me to take care of my health.  I’m thankful for the gift of my daughters who keep me laughing and smiling (on most days 😉), and who remind me constantly with their joyful way of looking at life that our time here on earth is precious and sacred and should be celebrated.

I’m also so very thankful for the many caring people who reach out from time to time to check on me or approach me at church with a simple “how are you doing? I’m praying for you.”  I feel their love, their prayers and their blessings and they -without knowing- are carrying me through life during these days of more growing up and learning about life.

One year, SO many lessons learned.  Moving forward with a joyful and faithful heart... always. ❤️

Friday, March 12, 2021

I had a dream about my brother FINALLY and it was the MOST amazing dream I’ve ever had about any deceased relatives.  I’ve only had dreams about very few deceased relatives including my dad, and we’ve had a good number of family members that have passed away.  I wonder if it’s because I had a special connection and relationship with them?! I don’t know. 

The dream about my brother was so amazing that I didn’t want it to end.  I was at my house doing house chores or something and he casually walked in with the most beautiful smile on his face, looking so handsome.  I walked up to him and gently put my head on his shoulder for a brief second.  He looked so happy and well and in his mid 30’s, the years I remembered him as some of his best and most joyful years. He was wearing some type of light khaki pants and a light blue polo shirt. He was glowing. 

We started talking and he told me that when he left the physical world he felt saddened at first to have to leave, to have to leave us, that he wasn’t quite ready yet but that he was needed in heaven, where he is right now and that he understood the why’s, he didn’t question them at all for a second and that he was honored with the new mission he was entrusted there.  He also told me in the dream, that he had requested for a special visit with me, one where he would be able to visit me in the dream in the way that he did.  We visited in the dream for a long time as if we were both in the flesh, although I knew he wasn’t like the rest of us, he was glowing in a special way.  We talked... a LOT, and he shared a lot of things, a lot of amazing things. A couple of people entered the room (can’t remember who they were, family members) but the only one that could sense and feel his presence other than me was Daisy.

He said he had been really busy, and that he had many projects to do, that he had been entrusted to do that work, the helping others kind of work.  In the dream while we talked, I had visions of the many acts of kindness he was already doing for others and help he was providing from his heavenly dwelling, the people didn’t know where the help was coming from or why it was happening but I could see my brother’s hands at work, behind it all with his gentle and loving disposition.

He shared a couple of projects he had in mind for me to do with his help, also for the purpose of helping others.  In the dream he told me that our maternal grandmother was thriving and well and living her best life. 

I had felt my brother’s presence in different ways since he died, but I hadn’t had a dream about him yet and I was getting kind of anxious about it to be honest, I wanted to know so desperately that he was ok.  Even if I had asked for a better visit with him in my dream, there is no way that could’ve been possible.  The dream was amazing and our visit together was perfect.  We talked (I don’t remember much speaking, maybe none), it was the conversation where we were with each other and we were communicating in full sentences without saying a word, as if our spirits were talking, but we could see each other face to face, we were smiling the whole time.  It was the easiest conversation and most pleasant visit ever filled with love, hope and goodwill.

Last night I was visited by my brother, and I know in my heart that he’s happy and at peace, even though it hurt him to leave at first, but he’s full and well and doing amazing work where he is.

The most striking thing of this dream for me was seeing those visions of his hands at work helping others while visiting with me.  I have the sweetest, most gentle angel by my side, watching over me and guiding me through life, I am blessed! 💙

Thursday, March 11, 2021

“Right now, can you make an unconditional relationship with yourself, just at the height you are, the weight you are, with the intelligence that you have, and your current burden of pain.  Can you enter into an unconditional relationship with that?” 

~Pema Chödrön 

Life is about the journey, a lot happens during our growing up years, and right now in this moment of my life I’m really opening myself to experiencing fully all the feelings and emotions I’m going through, the external ones as well as the internal ones, and there have been plenty of both.  Life has provided me with plenty of opportunities for growth, especially lately, and I can sincerely say that my perspective on life, on relationships and the meaning of our being on this planet earth, has completely shifted and I think all for the better.  I will never be the person I once was, I will continue to be a joyful person because that is my essence, but I will certainly walk with more awareness and not focusing on the situations that drain my energy, life is too brief for that.

Michelle had a an appointment for a CT scan this morning and on our way there we drove past a forest preserve that somehow, something reminded me of my brother and as we drove.  Michelle and I are both huge ABBA fans and as we drove that forest preserve the song “I Have a Dream” by ABBA, played on the radio.

“I believe in angels

Something good in everything I see

I believe in angels

When I know the time is right for me

I'll cross the stream, I Have a Dream

I Have a Dream, a fantasy

To help me through, reality.

And my destination,

makes it worth the while

Pushin' through the darkness,

still another mile...”

I had my sunglasses on, I didn’t think Michelle would notice my tears.  Well, both of us are grieving, maybe in different ways, of course she noticed my “silent” tears.  Maybe that was a good opportunity for both of us to experience those tears and embrace the moment together and grow from it.

Grief catches you when you least expect it.  A word, a phrase, a memory... I’m slowly learning to welcome all those moments when they come, as painful as they might be some days.

I’m by a forest preserve right now, actually sitting in my car, the wind was getting too chilly for my lining, but I have my car windows down, I can hear the birds chirping and the sun is shinning in all it’s glory. I love nature so much, I don’t much I love many other things as much as much as I love nature, it makes me feel alive and ME.

I’m reading this wonderful book called “Finding Meaning” by David Kessler, and I’ve come across many treasures in every chapter.  One of his thoughts that has really made an impact on me goes like this: “each person’s grief is as their fingerprint.  But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed.  That doesn’t mean needing someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.” How amazing is that?! ❤️

On our 30 minute drive to Michelle’s appointment this morning right before the second set of tears started flowing, I became emotional all of a sudden, not the desperate crying kind of tears, but the ones that roll down your face unexpectedly because you just remembered something kind.  As we drove, all of a sudden and out of nowhere all the people that have been supporting me through my losses and grief recently and have been so incredibly kind with their love, prayers, meals, flowers, etc, came to my mind, it was like a parade of MY grief witnesses.  Those witnesses that have been lifting me up with their love and support without questioning anything or rushing me to see the silver lining of my new life.  I am so incredibly blessed with some of the most amazing human being in my life, I really am.  Sometimes when I look back and think about the many ways I’m which I have been supported, I am almost overwhelmed with love, what a gift that is.

Life is starting to feel a little lighter these last couple of days and I couldn’t be more thankful.  I’m learning that no matter how good of a day I’m having, there will always be reminders of my loss, our loss, but I’m gently learning how to welcome those reminders and memories and learn from them.  I feel pain, because I loved a great deal, and that in itself is a gift. 

Today was a good day, a kind day for my soul.  I’m going to enjoy the rest of my day off by watching a movie on the couch and drinking some tea.  Self care has taken on a whole new level and I’m loving it! 💛

Wednesday, March 10, 2021

It’s a cloudy and rainy kind of day, but it’s still a pleasant mid 50’s weather and I’m sitting on my front porch wrapped in the comfiest robe.  Yes, that’s right, I’m sitting on the porch with a robe on, I’ve got no neighbor “view” from this side of the house, and I couldn’t love it more. 

I’m starting to feel a lot better in the grief department.  Not that it’s gone, it won’t be for a long time or forever, but I know it won’t be in the same level. 

I’m starting to feel hopeful and joyful and that gives me great comfort.  I still get quite sad from time to time when I think of my brother especially, I think because he was young and had a whole life ahead of him, and of course because my love for him was (is) so pure and honest and real.  My mom’s model of faith and strength is helping me see my grief with a kinder perspective, I’m so blessed to journey through life with her by my side.  

Last night when I was in bed, I was texting with my brother about my mom’s birthday celebration, and it was a celebration, wow, he had the most amazing surprises for her and treated her like a Queen, the queen that she is! 🥰 Seeing all the pictures and the incredible LOVE with which he treats her inspires me, it always has.  My brother Will has always been the perfect child any parent would ever dream of, I’ve always said that.  He’s devoted his life to my parents and has put aside his own needs and wants to protect them and love them and make sure their earthly journey is nothing but the kindest and for that, I will always be grateful. 

I also texted briefly with a dear cousin of mine last night before I went to sleep, and it was the first time in a long time that I was able to laugh out loud! I was laughing so hard, I had tears running down my face, HAPPY tears! Stan asked “who are you talking to? What’s so funny?!” A real LOL moment! 

Then after we finished our conversation, I couldn’t help it but to think about those tears, the happy, joyful tears, and how my body and my brain processed them, so much differently than my tears of grief.  I love science, it’s so fascinating!!! 

I’m so loving this alone time on the porch, I could stay here all day, but there are things to do and places to be. 😉

I booked my trip to Arizona and Mexico to see my family and my heart is literally doing leaps and twirls of joy as we speak! Best part, I’m taking the train, my very favorite mode of transportation, I can already picture myself walking into the station, checking in, stepping into the train and hearing the engines warming up to depart to our destination... ahhh, the simple pleasures of life sometimes are some of the best gifts life has to offer.

May your day be kind, and may you have opportunities to be kind to others in return. 💛

Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Today is my mama’s birthday and I’ve felt her love for life all day long!!!  I’ve never met anyone else that embraces life and deep and joyfully as my mother does, her zest for life is inspiring! 

I called her first thing this morning, and I am proud to say that I was the first call of the day wishing her a happy birthday! 😍

When we were on the phone, her landline started ringing and she said “can you please hold? I’d like to get that call.” Of course, I said yes.

On the other line it was one of my cousins calling her to wish her a happy birthday.  She sounded so happy and joyful and I think I lost count of all the amazing and sweet things and blessings she gave him during their brief conversation.  Then, my cousin must’ve asked “how are you and Will doing?” to which my mom responded with “we are doing ok, accepting completely and fully God’s will, and our hearts are at peace.”  Then, she says “Maria has been struggling a lot, at the beginning she cried day and night, but she started seeing a grief counselor that has been helping her.  I think the fact that she’s so far away has been especially difficult and she hasn’t had closure.”

I was on the other phone waiting for her call to end, listening to the entire conversation with my cousin, smiling from ear to ear and then realizing how my mother in her love for me and her motherly intuition knows I’m in pain.  I have been very cautious not to cry (as much) with her, only at the beginning of our losses, and to disguise my pain when I’m on the phone with her, but she knows. She knows well what my level of pain is.  She knows my heart, she can sense the tone of my voice, I’m sure she even knows when my voice starts to break when I’m on the phone with her and I quickly mute the phone so she doesn’t hear that.  She doesn’t tell me that what she senses, but she supports me 100% and comforts me and loves me even deeper that she’s ever loved me before, and how can that even be? Because she’s my mother, a human being capable of INCREDIBLE love and commitment to her faith, her family and everything that breathes life. I am so blessed with her life in mine.

She’s had a wonderful day so far! My brother Will prepared a special breakfast for her and he is grilling my mom’s favorite steaks with all the yummy sides as we speak! A dear family friend delivered a huge load of balloons and a delicious cake for her.  The phone has been ringing off the hook and there is nothing that makes my mom happier than people calling the house and talking to her, she LOVES talking to people on the phone, and blessing them as they go.  My gosh, she’s amazing! 

Today is also my brother JR’s one month anniversary.  I’m starting to see a glimpse of hope and a light at the end of this tunnel that I NEVER intended to enter.  Today, I’m remembering my sweet brother for the amazing person that he was, and all the memories we were fortunate to build tougher and for that, I am grateful.  My friend, Father George stopped by the office today to check on me and to find out how I was doing, he is such an amazing human being.  A 95 year old priest, my friend, worrying about me and making sure I’m doing ok. I almost cried when he walked into my office and said “Maria, I’m checking on you”, but I didn’t, instead, I offered him a cup of coffee and we chatted for an hour.  Our conversation was so healing and he listened to me and we laughed and I teared up a couple of times, what a wonderful gift to have him as a friend! 

Today has been a good day, and I’m very thankful for it.  

We are celebrating my mother’s 74th birthday, I’m rejoicing in the memories I was blessed to make with my baby brother, I had a sweet conversation with Father George and my family and I just enjoyed a yummy and healthy dinner together.  One day at a time, one day at a time... 

My brother Will send me a few pictures of my mom’s day today and I was complimenting all the things he’s done for her so far and I said “wow, you outdid yourself!” to which he responded “she deserves that and a lot more!” ❤️

We have been blessed with the most amazing mother, an example of strength, faith and love for all those around her, and my brother is absolutely right, she deserves that and a WHOLE lot more!!! 

Happy 74th birthday to my sweet mom, may God bless her life with good health, days filled with joy, friendship, kindness in her life and all the most wonderful gifts life has to offer. ❤️

Monday, March 8, 2021

It’s another beautiful day in Chicago today and I’m really enjoying these spring like days, they make me realize just how much I love the sun and light and warmth. 

I’m sitting on my front porch sipping my coffee all by myself and my thoughts and I couldn’t love it more.

Yesterday, I went on an hour ride with a friend to get the best Chicago hot dogs, that’s right, an hour ride for hotdogs, but it was worth it!!! I think we both needed to get out, go on a car ride and not worry about too much else. We talked and we talked and we laughed a whole lot! Laughter, something I’ve been needing heavy doses of lately.  Our little “adventure” was so worth it and I’m so glad that we decided to do it last minute.  Medicine for the soul. 

Last night as I was putting myself to bed, I could feel the agonizing pain of grief creeping in, it’s not a very good feeling, actually I don’t like it very much... at all.  I never thought could be physically felt, I thought it was just felt through emotions and tears, but no, I’m starting to learn and understand through this unwelcome, unexpected and obligated “grief research” of mine, that grief after a few days and weeks of the initial stages, can be felt heavily in the physical body.  

I’ve noticed lately that when memories start to invade my mind and my heart (usually at night, how rude!) I feel my body tensing up, my muscles tingling a little and an overall crippling sensation.  Last night as I was starting to feel all those feelings, I got up immediately to search for my prayer shawl which was carefully put away in my closet.  Lights were off everywhere since the day was approaching midnight and the house was asleep, so I walking into the closet just feeling for it until I found it.  It’s the softest, most cuddly shawl.

I went back to bed, and before I covered myself with the covers, I carefully wrapped myself with the prayer shawl making sure my face was also touching it and feeling the soft material.  I could never fully explain the comfort it brought me and the peace it gave me.  A shawl, a prayer shawl, simple yarn knitted with LOVE and covered with lots of prayers by the knitter and the givers.  A shawl made for someone like me, for a person experiencing life challenges of some sort, a shawl with a mission.  I covered myself and I felt the love and the care of the hands that made it and the hands of the people that made sure I had one, to care for me and protect me with their love, care and prayers.  It worked in such amazing way, especially last night.  

I’ve seen many prayer shawls come and go in the church office.  I’ve given them to hurting friends, but I’ve never experienced the blessing of them.  Mine came from across the country, that’s how powerful the meaning behind them is.  Hundreds of people doing the work of love by knitting these beautiful prayers shawls to lift up others -stranger- in prayer.  How amazing is that?! 

Last night I became aware of the importance of grieving, the importance of allowing our bodies to feel the pain and the hurts we experience and instead of pretending that the pain isn’t there or rushing the process, to give it the time and the care that it needs.  Rushing things hardly ever works for anything.  Rushing things only creates mess.  If there is something we definitely do not want while experiencing grief is more mess.  Time, time, time. 

Last night I was blessed.  Last night I was reminded one more time that I’m not alone and that little by little and by doing all the good work of grieving, life will become meaningful and beautiful once again.  It already is. 💙

Today is a new day and by that I mean, I’m starting Whole30 again and I couldn’t be more excited!!! I had started my fourth round of Whole30 the beginning of January and I was on day 4 when I got the call about my dad falling gravely ill.  I couldn’t see straight, I couldn’t think right, and I definitely couldn’t even cook.  The short “eating right” detour that I was expecting took on a much bigger turn, and two months later after literally eating away my emotions and not helping me in the process, I’ve decided to take charge of my nutrition again and carefully care for my body in that way.  Food plays a big role in my life and what I eat is how I feel, and right now especially, I need all the good and healthy I can possibly get, so Whole30 it is. 🥦🌶🥑

May today and every day of this week be KIND to you and may you return kindness to others as well. 💛

Sunday, March 7, 2021

I had a good day yesterday, or as another grieving friend said to me a couple of weeks ago, “the day was kind to me.” I couldn’t love that more.  Grieving takes on words and phrases to a completely different level.

Yesterday I woke up a little later than usual, I was so tired from the days prior, my physical body was literally exhausted.  Waking up late and giving myself the time to peacefully brew myself a cup of coffee and drink it on the porch all by myself was an amazing treat.  I love my quiet and alone times on the porch, I treasure them. 

I went to work in the mid afternoon to do a few things, I almost contemplated working from home yesterday instead of going in, but the “going out” offers me a distraction and a change of scenery.  It was a good choice.

After work, I was gently reminded by my self care whisperer with angel wings that I needed to take care of myself today in some way, I almost didn’t, so I diverted my direction and off I went to get myself the most delicious turtle sundae.  After I ordered it, I found a parking spot in the sunniest area of the parking lot by some pine trees that were covered with beautiful birds, chirping and enjoying the weather.  I lowered the windows of my car to feel the spring like air and listen to the birds.  I ate half my sundae by myself, just sitting there and listening to the birds, nothing else, and then I called my mom for our midday/early evening chat.  We talked about all kinds of things and as I was sharing about a very special and beautiful letter I received in the mail from the Cardinal personally addressed to me offering his condolences about the deaths of my dad and brother, my mother says to me “we are so blessed!”  Her comment struck me at first, the idea of her recognizing blessings like that and being GRATEFUL to that level after recently suffering two incredible losses, she’s just amazing.  Even though I might still be struggling from time to time to recognize all of that because I’m still trying to make “sense” of all that has happened, her incredible witness of life and gratitude inspire me beyond measure. Yes, I AM BLESSED, by having her as a mother! 

Speaking of that letter, how amazing was that??? When I received the letter in the mail at work, I honestly put it on the side with all my other “to do” pile of things to do.  When I saw the envelope with the Archdiocese logo, I thought it was just another mailing with information related to the church, and left it there to open later.  Then, I looked at the envelope and it was not the regular size envelope, it looked different and it peeked my interest so I opened it only to find the most heartwarming letter and message addressed to me about my recent losses.  Cardinal Cupich’s letter certainly gave me a greater sense of peace and hope, and maybe the words I was in need of at the moment.  I don’t believe in ordinary coincidences, I’ve always thought that when things of that nature happen, God is in the centered of it all, guiding hearts and hands to do what’s needed, and healing our souls through them.  I guess moms are always right after all... we are blessed.  I just have to keep looking and paying attention to all those blessings with more awareness since my grieving journey is a unique one, as it should be, no two people grieve the same way. 

Speaking of blessings... 

My dad visited me in my dreams last night, I think he’s making up for all the missed opportunities to be together here on earth. 🥰 It was an awesome dream, I really think my dad is happy where he is, I really do!!! Every dream I’ve had about him, he is glowing, he’s so thrilled and calm and at peace.  Last night in my dream, my dad was in his mid-late 30’s I believe because I was around 3-4 years old.  He was sitting in one of his favorite metal rocking chairs we’ve had at home forever and I was sitting on his lap.  It was Summer time, my dad was wearing jeans, and a dress shirt.  I was wearing shorts and a tank top kind of shirt, my hair was short and curly and I was beyond thrilled to be on my dad’s lap.  I remember that being one of my favorite things when I was a child, I always felt protected in his arms.  When I was sitting on his lap in the dream, my legs were bent and he was holding me and gently rocking me back and forth, as if he were pacifying me from hurts.  In the dream I had the feeling that he was visiting with someone, although I couldn’t see that other person he was visiting with, all I could see and sense was my dad and I and the most wonderful sense of peace in the air.  My dad visited me last night and soothed my aching heart.  In my heart I heard the words “it’s ok, it’s going to be ok...” 

I’m finishing my cup of coffee in bed this morning, my body seems to be a lot more tire in the mornings these days and I need to let it rest.  Stan brought me a cup of coffee to bed before taking Daisy out to potty, how romantic! 😉 I’m really enjoying this quiet time and opportunity for rest.  I think I will have my second cup of coffee on the porch, it’s another gorgeous springlike day! ☀️

May today be KIND to you and may you also return kindness to others. 💛

Saturday, March 6, 2021

I’m sitting on my front porch, it’s a gorgeous 45 and sunny day.  I’m sitting in the sunny side of the bench, rays of sunshine reflecting on my face and warming up my entire body and I love it. ☀️

Let’s talk about yesterday.  Yesterday was a no good, not so good, “ugly” kind of day for me in the grief department.  Just when I think I’m making progress, a memory, a saying, a phrase, an “I need help with this... he’d know the answer...” brings it all back to me and I can feel the pain all over again as the day I got the call.  Ugh, the call.

I resourced to my mom for that question I needed an answer to, as it had to do with something liturgical.  My brother was a genius in every area, sometimes I wondered if his brain had a capacity for storing information.  It didn’t. Until it did. 

I called my mom and I said “I have a question, and I wonder if you’d be able to help me.” She hesitated and said “oh I don’t know how much I know about, but ask anyways...”. Yes, of course I got the answer I was looking for, but then I yearned for the “aftermath” of the conversation that usually a simply question like that would have taken my brother and I.  He was NEVER satisfied with black and white, he always craved for more.  He didn’t really look for answers, instead he loved to research and make sense of what the world was telling us should be the right answer.  That was my brother, always on a mission for more wisdom, for more truths, for more realness.  

Things, stuff that might impress the majority of us, didn’t impress him at all. Not because he didn’t care, or because he was jealous that someone else did and he didn’t, not at all, at the contrary.  He was so focused on his own purpose in life, his quest for always being true to himself and his ideals, that he didn’t even pay attention to other things.  I always really admired that about him.  Many times when I’d say “have you heard?” “Did you see this on the news...” etc... he’d chuckle the sweet, gentle chuckle of his and say calmly “sister, don’t pay attention to that... how was your day?! I was listening to a piece by Bach and if you really pay attention to the notes...” and he’d go on about the magic of art, life and intellect.  He certainly knew how to distract my distracted mind from worldly distractions (as repetitive as that might sound), the kind that didn’t need any of my good energy. 

Yesterday, I ended up cancelling/rescheduling two commitments I had.  I was struggling to get out of bed end get on with my day.  I knew I needed to listen to my body and rest.  With the first person I had to call, I was partially honest about it, I explained why I had to rescheduled, but I wasn’t honest about the true reason WHY I had to reschedule.  When it was time for me to respond to a second commitment I had to give an answer to, I was as honest as honest can get and I told that person the true reason why I couldn’t commit to what was being asked of me.  Both were amazing and supportive, and most importantly I was so proud of myself for recognizing after the first response I gave, that I needed to be more honest with myself about the pain I was carrying that day.  They both know me well enough and love me for who I am and know what I’m going through, so why was I afraid to show my vulnerability right away? I don’t know, but I’m glad I decided the opposite the second time around, it changed the course of my day. Baby steps are starting to have so much more meaning these days.  The journey might seem long, but it’s a journey worth walking and experiencing fully.

Speaking of yesterday.  A few days ago, maybe a week ago, my foot started hurting, my ankle part of it, out of nowhere, and for no reason, I really don’t remember how I might’ve hurt it.  Finally, I decided to make an appointment and get it seen and evaluated.  They took an X-ray yesterday afternoon and in the evening I had a follow up with my doctor.  No fractures, but it’s sprained, sometimes that even takes longer to heal.  Prescription?! Ankle bracelet and REST! As a friend of mine said to me last night, “could this be a ‘knock, knock, slow down, you need to rest reminder?’” I think she’s right about that and I’m going to listen to my doctor and my friend. Rest it is. ❤️

Today, I’m especially thankful for my mother, whose gift of faith and strength inspire me daily.  For my brother Will, who always has my back and cares for me and my family deeply.  For waking up and seeing that Michelle looks better and sounds better, also baby steps towards her healing and I couldn’t be more grateful.  For Stan, well because he’s Stan. And for Bella, whose cheerful disposition in the mornings and any time of the day, make our household and life just a little better. 

Today, I’m booking my trip to Mexico to see my family and I’m really looking forward to finally having a date for that awaited reunion. 

Enjoy today, be kind to yourself and to others. Peace. 💛

Friday, March 5, 2021

I know I have to get moving and my body is saying... “nah, you were up way too late last night, you need some rest.” I have never felt my body this tired before, it’s amazing was emotional exhaustion can do to your physical body. 

I could go on about how my day went yesterday, and how I fell apart at night, not because of the kind of day I had (it was a decent day despite the long day), but because memories seem to visit me at night, but instead I’ll leave that for another day or will skip it completely. 

Today, I’ll focus on the fact that my husband is simply an amazing human being.  Tomorrow will be 2 months since this rollercoaster that I will call “the day my life changed” started, and Stan has been nothing but amazing and supportive and generous and empathetic towards me and this new life.  We have gone through a LOT together in our years of doing life as a married couple, but certainly, this has been the toughest of them all and I have realized once again just how incredibly fortunate I am to have him in my life.

When I’m crying at night in bed right before we go to sleep, instead of saying “get over it”, he strokes my back and says “I’m sorry, sweetie.” And somehow, the pain and hurts feel a little better.  They don’t go away, they never will, but, his love and understanding is the best therapy I can have right now.

He makes me smile and laugh at random times of the day, and he’s not even trying.  He’s not doing it because “I need the laugh or the smile”, or maybe he is making an extra effort and he’s doing so lovingly, I don’t even notice.  He’ll text me funny stuff during the day that make me chuckle right at the desk, or wherever I am.  Sometimes, we text like high school friends, silly, dumb and “wait till you hear this...” stuff.  It’s pretty awesome and that brings light to my days, no question about it.

Stan is the king of planning.  He LOVES to plan stuff, big stuff, little stuff, but he is a dreamer and a realist at the same time.  

He is my biggest support system, the shoulder to cry on (literally), the smile on my face, the human I am most relying on right now.  

Last night, as we were laying in bed and a storm of memories flooded me, somehow my lips got very dry (tears can do that?!) I had forgotten my chapstick on the bathroom counter and without effort, he got up from bed, walked to the bathroom and picked it up for me, not without making a joke or two of course!  By the time I fell asleep, I felt as if I could take on the world once again because of his support.

I like mornings better these days.  Light, sunshine, new life, new opportunities, new beginnings... 

I know, I will eventually learn to embrace the solitude and darkness of the night, I know I will. Hope is magical and transforming, and it’s happening right before my eyes, in the morning and at night. Hope might not be move as fast as it’d like it to move, but grief and healing has no deadline, it happens when it happens, and I’m ok with that.  I’m learning a lot from this process, a lot more than I would’ve want to, and although I’m not happy about the why’s the lessons are being learned, I’m thankful that my heart is welcoming those lessons and learning from them all. 

Hopeful. Thankful... 💛

Thursday, March 4, 2021

Yesterday... what an interesting day. So much done, so much experienced, so many emotions, so much of everything.  My body was worn by the end of the day and then I found myself with a spinning head by the time I put my head on the pillow and I couldn’t fall asleep and the uninvited river of tears knocked on my door just as I was putting myself to sleep, but it was controlled without the need of tissues, if that makes any sense. One.day.at.a.time.

I had breakfast with a friend yesterday, a late breakfast because my body was demanding rest earlier and I decided to listen to it.  I’m glad I did, but I’m also glad I didn’t cancel breakfast because getting out of the house but something other than work, helps.  And it’s even better when it’s spent in good company and pleasant conversations, listening to each other.  The gift of friendship is such an amazing blessing, we don’t really focus on it too much, but we should, those are human being carefully placed on our paths to walk our journey of life along with us and viceversa.  

On a completely unrelated note, last night (when my mind couldn’t sleep) I was thinking about grief (of course!) and how society/social media in a way “frosts” challenges, pain, grief with heavy, thick layers of optimism and positivity.  I am not saying we shouldn’t be happy, and optimistic and everything good and fun, but pain, sadness, grief, challenges shouldn’t be ignored and put aside and even worse masked with a constant effort of covering the very difficult reality of facing grief.  Grief, loss, life challenges should be faced, dealt with, talked about and FELT with our entire beings!!!  The day I was thrown into this grief journey, I started learning the value of grieving, and the importance of allowing our bodies, hearts and souls time to heal. 

I will put music back in my car, when I’m ready.  I will dance at random times of the day again, when I’m ready. I will once again listen to the treasures of music and watch the movies my brother had recommended, when I’m ready.  When I’m ready... my new and favorite self care whisper.

Michelle’s appointment went well yesterday, and although she still has a bit of a recovery, I’m hopefully that she’s on the right healing track.  Now, on to deal with her nerve injury after wisdom teeth surgery.  Yes, an OMG is in order here!!!  I’m confident her soon she’ll be feeling a lot better and ready to start her adult life doing what she loves. Another, “one day at a time”, kind of chapter in our household.

I peeked at the weather forecast for the next few days and I didn’t see anything below 45 degrees, how amazing is that?! Bring on spring, I’m ready!!! ☀️

Wednesday, March 3, 2021

Yesterday, I attended a presentation at my church about the importance of attending to our soul.  We really don’t give our soul the importance that it needs, I think.

My friend, the speaker at this presentation said that she can picture the shape, texture (I think that’s what she mentioned) and even the color of her soul.  I’ve never thought about it that way, I mostly thought of my soul as the powers that carries through life and will keep my being for eternity. Now, I think that what she said is very deep.  If we try to picture what our souls look like; we’d be a little more gentle with it, wouldn’t we? Because it will almost make it more palpable, more real, and we are human beings drawn to the idea of seeing us believing.  Last night was great for many reasons.  I learned many valuable lessons with her presentation, I got a hug from her (lucky me!!!), I sat next to a friend that I deeply admire and who I identify my grief with to a different level.  NO two grief journeys are the same, not even for the same family members suffering the same loss, but I relate to her grief in a special way, and that brings me some comfort.  It’s a blessing to be able to speak openly about our feelings with people that have suffered huge, sudden losses.  It’s a different kind of differing, one I could never had imagined would be experiencing.  Last night was also great, because at that same presentation, I talked to so many wonderful people, gentle, caring, faith filled and honest people that love without boundaries.  I love my church family, I am so blessed to have crossed paths with them. 

Yesterday, was also a tough day for me as they all seem to be lately???  But I managed somehow.  I think I’m starting to master the art of treading and keeping my head above water, just enough so I can keep filling up my lungs with oxygen to keep going.  It’s a good thing, that’s progress even if it doesn’t sound or look like it. 

I was doing pretty ok yesterday, until I started journaling and writing about my brother’s shoe story, then I lost it and I went back to that “how can this be??? Someone, PLEASE tell me I’m in a bad dream.”  I cried, I wiped my tears, and went back to my busy day at work.  SO thankful for the distraction of work these days, or has been so crucial for me.

A dear friend dropped off an afternoon treat of donuts and coffee for me and it was just the pick me up I needed for my busy day of running back and forth all day.  Next to the coffee and donuts, carefully placed on my desk by my coworker after my friend stopped by the office, was a box I was familiar with.  A box that I knew had a bracelet inside.  My friend had also gotten me a bracelet that came in a similar box when my dad died.  I thought it was going to be the same exact design, same message which I had loved by the way!  My dad’s message in the bracelet I got for him reads “God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart.” So beautiful!!! I thought I was getting the same, but now for my brother.  Well,  I was half right, when I opened it, it was like the Hoover Dam had a very faulty leak that no one could fix.  I had to put myself “back” quickly so I could get back to work and tending to my office responsibilities.

The bracelet I received in my brother’s memore reads “your wings were ready, but my heart was not.” On one side of the outside the word “brother” is beautifully printed, and on the other, an image of wings.  Such a treasure. 💙

Michelle was back in the ER yesterday per Doctor’s orders with more female issues, that kid needs a break, a LONG break from all these health issues, praying they figure out what’s going on and soon.  She’s home now and feeling a little better after the meds they gave her and has a follow up appointment today, please say a few prayers for her if you can. 

Today, I decided to listen to my body and not rush out of my house, I have to be gentle with myself.  The extra time in bed and sipping my coffee without rushing helped a lot.

Today, I have my second appointment with my grief counselor and I am REALLY excited! Funny thing is, when I saw her last week and we made another appointment for today I thought “do I really need to go back? I pretty much talked about almost everything! What would I share next time, what kind of help would I need? What advice?!” Well, let me tell you, by the time I got home from work that evening I already had about a million things I wanted to share and feelings and emotions and advice I needed.  It turns out, I need a lot of help still, and a lot of advice and I am so thankful to have met her so she can somehow help me figure out all the feelings that I’m feelings. 

The sun is shining, and I’m looking forward to the day ahead. Have a lovely day, be kind to yourself and others. 💛

Tuesday, March 2, 2021

What a wonderfully sunshiny day it is today! I haven’t been able to be outside much but the little time I have, I’ve really enjoyed it. ☀️

Last night I had a really strange dream, or maybe it wasn’t all that strange, maybe in a way was something my soul needed.  In my dream I was in my parents home kitchen.  My mother was by the stove, my dad in his usual spot at the table drinking coffee, my deceased maternal grandma was sitting at her designated spot at the kitchen table when she used to live with us, and I was standing by the kitchen sink.  It was in the moment that we received news that my brother had died suddenly and tragically.  My mom and I turned to complete anguish.  My anguish was uncontrollable and desperate. My mom’s reaction was devastation and sadness.  My dad’s reaction and my grandma’s reaction (who are both deceased now) was, nothing but calmness.  They weren’t smiling, but they seemed at peace, just going about their “day.”  It was in that same moment, in my dream, that I understood that the only people really feeling so much sadness and loss and desperation were my mom and I, the “alive” ones.  The others were accepting and trusting.  Although the dream left me unsettled about the way my brother had died, it also left me with a feeling of “well, they seem ok, and at peace (my dad and grandma), maybe when my brother arrives, he will also be at peace.” 

I don’t know what all that meant, but dreams are powerful.  Trust, maybe that’s what I need to start focusing my grief on.

I promised I’d share a story about my brother. I have MANY, but this has always been one of my favorites. 💙

When he was in High School, maybe a Sophomore, he used to work at a pizza restaurant in the carry out area.  He saved and saved money to buy these fancy cowboy boots that were “in”, he was supposed to be wearing them for a school dance.  He finally saved enough money to buy the pair of boots and he kept them in a box in his bedroom awaiting the special day.  The day came, the school dance day, the “boot” day!  He got dressed - he was always so handsome - and he got ready to leave.  As he was walking out, my mother noticed that he didn’t have his special boots on and she asked him, “weren’t you planning to wear your new boots today?!” He said “nah, I’ll leave them for another occasion.” My mom didn’t give up and she insisted for she knew just how much effort he had put into purchasing those boots.  Finally, after a few interrogations he said, “fine, I gave them to one of my coworkers, his shoes were falling apart and I couldn’t stand seeing him wear bad shoes.” 

He gave him the BEST of what he had.  He didn’t go home and did for an old pair of shoes.  He didn’t go buy a cheap pair of shoes to give him. He gave him the best of what he had, regardless of how long it took him to save for it, or how many hours he had to work in order to get them.

That was my brother!!!  Jesús Ramón was the most generous human being I’ve ever known and he was humble about it.  He gave without expecting anything in return, he always helped those who needed the most help, the vulnerable, the forgotten ones, the ignored.  I’m sure he won’t mind me sharing this story now, I can almost picture him smiling. 💛

If he ever came across another human being in need, he was the Jesus that person needed.  I guess my parents picked a good name for him.

Maybe, I’ll go on by remembering all the amazing things he did on his earthly journey and eventually honoring his acts of kindness by doing acts of kindness myself, and my family.

Ahhh, how lucky are the angels and Saints and all our departed members of our family and friends who now rejoice in his presence and gently spirit of love and generosity.  I am so fortunate to call him my brother. 💙

Monday, March 1, 2021

What a day, what a day, what a day! Here I am at 10 pm journaling, but it’s ok, I’d rather do it late than not do it at all.  I’m finding out that writing about my day with the twists and turns, highs and lows is almost crucial for me, for my overall health.  So 10 pm, it is! ❤️

Today was a very hard day for me.  I don’t want to sound repetitive, but my intention from day one when I started sharing some of my daily thoughts here was to be as real and vulnerable as I possibly could, otherwise, what’s the point really?! 

I wonder if this happens to other grievers.  Identifying or recognizing signs of other people “moving on” too soon about the death of a loved one when you are still so broken inside about that loss.  I yearn for people that still feel that deep, excruciating pain I’m feeling after loosing my brother, after having so much loss in such short period of time.  I don’t want to hear “he’s in a better place now... they are in a better place...” that hurts, and I know people’s intentions are good, but when you are grieving, everything hurts.  Yes, I’m hoping they are happy and pain free and worry free, but when I hear that, the message I receive is “time to move on...” but I’ll never be able to “move on”, I am hopeful, and almost confident that I will soon again find meaning and gratitude in the times we had together and the lessons I’m learning from this, but I’ll never be able to move on completely, the loss, and the pain have now become part of who I am, that doesn’t mean I won’t go on living a joyful life, but the way I look at life has shifted for sure.

I wrote a letter to my family today. And by family I mean, Stan, Michelle and Bella.  I wanted them to know how I’m feeling, how I’m not able to fully be present in everything right now because I’m trying to stay afloat with the day to day of the routine of life, and because I need them to know that they have to be gentle with me.  I hesitated writing that letter, because I thought someone for sure might be “offended” that I could even think that they are not being considerate or sympathetic enough.  I was wrong.  They were great.  The letter was a HUGE step for me, and big leap of faith, and it gave us all an opportunity to try to understand each other better.

Grief is HARD, and it comes in many colors and it knocks on your door when you least expect it.  Rude, I tell you! 

Today, I cried a lot for my brother, a lot.  I woke up with the idea of sharing one of his act of kindness that always struck me growing up, but I think I’ll leave that story for tomorrow, I’m really tired now, grief wears you out physically. 

I talked to my mom briefly today a couple of times and also to my brother.  It makes me feel so good knowing that they seem at peace and calm and are finding joy in the everyday of life.  I am longing for the day I get to see them in person and I can hug them.  Not quite sure I’m ready to face that new reality, the “two members of our family are gone now” reality, but it will be so good to spend time together. 

When I walked in from work tonight, I saw a package that had come in for me.  I opened it immediately and it made me smile really big.  It came from across the country handled with care by four amazing human beings.  The words on the card were so sweet and heartfelt and inside the box was the most comfortable and cuddly prayer shawl made with love and sent with even more love.  I’m sleeping with it tonight, feeling their love and embracing my dad and my brother as I cover myself with it.  Symbols, rituals, acts of kindness.  All so important in our earthly journey.  I’m thankful for the many amazing humans in my life that accompany me through this painful path I’m walking right now.  It’ll get better I promise, but it hasn’t even been a month yet.

Tomorrow I will share my brother’s story, one of hundreds I have. I’m still hoping he shows up in my dreams someday soon... 💙