My First Experience Having an Panic Attack
I’ve never experienced a panic attack before, or an anxiety attack, honestly, I don’t know too much about it, but I thought anxiety was something you could almost control with your mind, with your thoughts, by being positive?! Oh, I was so wrong. I didn’t know anxiety attacks were a real thing until it happened to me. I never thought I’d be writing this, I never thought I’d be the victim of an anxiety attack, or two or three, but I have been, I have experienced a few in the last few months, I thought I was exempt of it by having a positive disposition, how ignorant of me, I didn’t know.
Anxiety came on after the sudden deaths of my father and brother early this year. I’ve processed my father’s death (I think), after all, he was in his mid 80’s and lived a long and good life, of course I would’ve wanted him to live until he was at least 100, but I’m very grateful for the opportunity to have him in our lives for 80+ years.
The death of my brother is a different story. I have struggled with it since day one, heavily and wholeheartedly. In all honesty, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be “ok” with it. I’m sure I’ll come to terms with it more and more as time goes by, but I’ll never understand it, I hope I can accept it one day.
The physical aspect of anxiety has felt like this for ME: a sudden feeling of thinking that I’m unable to breath, not the “I can’t catch my breath type”, but more like feeling as if you can’t breath at all and you might actually die from it, pure panic. It sounds extreme, but it feels that way. Your body tenses up and you have a tingling sensation all over your body. During moments of high anxiety and feeling out of balance and control, I have also had intense, intense, almost paralyzing pain in my back, it feels as if someone injects PAIN into my veins, the pain that travels slowly and evenly throughout your body.
I don’t like anxiety attacks, they are awful, they are so awful, and I really hope it’s something temporary, something that will go away as fast as it came.
Life threw me a few curveballs, and shifted my entire thinking process and way of looking at life and relating to people. I have noticed myself to be more observant, I analyze things and situations a little more, I don’t always like it, it hurts me most of the time, but I can’t help it, I see it as a metamorphosis of sorts.
I have began a brand new chapter in my life. A chapter I wasn’t quite ready to begin, but a chapter of lessons and opportunities nonetheless.
May we always remember to be kind with our words, with our actions, with the way we treat others, even with the way we “joke”, as we don’t know what others are going through the moment we interact with them.
Kindness, mindfulness, respect. It sounds easy, but it takes skill and a lot of awareness about the pain and suffering of others, even if we don’t know it personally.
One of my favorite quotes by an unknown author says, “the things we take for granted, someone else is praying for.” How true is that?!
I am learning techniques on how to deal with an anxiety attack at the onset, and after it. I’m learning to be honest with myself when I’m having one, and to not let others (the ones who have never experienced an anxiety attack) make me feel as if it’s not a big deal kind of event or shame me for it.
Anxiety attacks are REAL, and they leave you EXHAUSTED after experiencing one. Anxiety attacks make you spin and feel out of control, even in situations that you were able to “control” before. Anxiety attacks are (I think) a defense mechanism of your brain in order to protect you.
I am NO professional in this matter whatsoever, I’m merely speaking from my own personal experience and I thought I’d share it because so often we talk about all the pretty colors of the rainbow in our lives and leave the other colors aside, the ones that make us vulnerable. I love vulnerability and I choose to embrace it fully now more than ever.
New year, new chapter, new me. Still the same Maria, only a little bit more grown up. ❤️