Monday, May 31, 2021
Memorial Day. Thank you to all those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. Prayers to the families living every day with the loss of their loved ones. Remember and Honor.
A day of catching up with household chores, well needed family time and lunch with a friend at a pretty park.
Just finished watching a movie with Bella and too tired to journal a little more. Tomorrow is another day and we also welcome June! āļø
Sunday, May 30, 2021
Today was one of those days Iāll carry in my heart for many days to come.
Last night I had a really strange dream, it wasnāt about anything or anyone in particular but I woke up feeling sad about my brotherās physical absence in my life. I thought I was getting āusedā to him being gone, but this morning I understood that, that will never be the case, we grieve our departed loved ones with the same intensity that we loved them. I cried a few tears in the privacy of my bathroom before I got in the showers this morning, I told no one about it end āmoved onā end went about my day.
Grief is a strange feeling and itās so personal! Sometimes I feel like Iām being a burden to friends and family, when I want to shout (not literally) that Iām still grieving, that the pain I feel for the loss of my dad and brother is still very real and very present and very painful. Maybe not as much or with the same intensity, but itās all very much there. Itās only been four months since my dad passed, and three months since my brother passed and the world has moved on... but not my grief or my love for them. Grief is such an intimate journey within ourselves, Iām learning a lot from this experience, and most importantly to appreciate life and the people in it, in my life at a different level and from a very different perspective. So many lessons learned in such a short time. Iām still learning and growing from it. Iām especially learning to trust this journey and to be patient with myself along the way.
Today, without realizing it, I sat outside on the steps of my front porch, in the sunshine, holding my cup of coffee, just like my dad always did. My dad was a lover of the outdoors, just like me, and he also loved coffee. This afternoon after work, as I sat outside on that step sipping my coffee, I almost felt my dad next to me, and I wished I could talk to him and ask him questions. As I was having all those feelings, Stan came outside with his cup of tea and sat beside me. We talked, and talked and day dreamed together, we love doing that. Planning the unknown future is one of our favorite past times. I was grateful for his company, and the fact that he sat beside me on that concrete step, Stan is not one to seek out the ārusticā way of living like that, but he did it for me, because he knows it brings me comfort and in that moment, us, sitting on that concrete step in the sun, sipping our drinks and talking, is what our souls needed.
Iām quickly getting back into the swing of things at work, I really do love my job and more than anything I love serving a community that has supported me and loved me back for so many years, itās a true blessing. I am ācooking upā a lot of fun projects and fundraisers at work and I canāt wait to start working with my teams to develop all these ideas of mine. This church lady is sure living on a prayer... one day at a time! š
Today was an awesome and well balanced day with many feelings and emotions. We ended the day visiting with Stanās family and friends in their cozy backyard, eating delicious food, amazing desserts, drinking yummy cocktails and chatting with some very lovely people. We even met some new friends that felt like family weāve known forever. I LOVE it when we connect with people that speak our same language, and by that I donāt mean, English or Spanish, or Polish š, but rather, the language of the heart, you know, the kind where no effort has to be made to feel right at home and when you leave someoneās presence, you leave craving more of that conversation and friendship. A true blessing!
Going to bed tonight with a thankful heart and a spirit of joy. Looking forward to a day off tomorrow and some well deserved R & R, buenas noches! ā¤ļø
Saturday, May 29, 2021
Have I ever mentioned how much I love my quiet mornings at the start of my day?! I know I have, but I canāt help repeating it over and over because those quiet moments make me SO happy! Itās the wind beneath my wings! š
I am happy to report that I woke up migraine free, thank you Lord!!! I really needed a break from pain. Funny thing is, during my entire stay in Arizona and Mexico I only had one migraine, yes, ONE and it went away with just one prescription pill. I came back here to the Midwest end boom, migraines are back in life, I hope I can manage to keep them under control, I think I might need to do another Whole30 round soon.
Even though I didnāt have migraines in Mexico and Arizona, I for the very first time in my life, suffered from terrible allergies, and I had no idea what they were at first because Iāve never had allergies due to environmental triggers before. The dryness and dust, wow, SO much dust everywhere, made my eyes water constantly and I was nasal and hoarse constantly until my mom suggested to take over the counter allergy medicine and it worked like a charm! I had to take allergy medicine every single day of my stay, well, the days after I discovered thatās what was affecting me. And not that Iām comparing pain and suffering here (well I guess I am š), Iād take allergies over migraines a million times over! Ideally, none of them, but if I had to chose, Iād go with allergies. Sorry migraines, you are out!
Today is a day of catching up with household chores, some work at the office and hopefully some meal prep. Ordinary things keep my mind occupied and distracted from overthinking and over feeling if thatās even a thing.
I woke up craving the window by my bed at my momās house that leads to the back patio where many, many birds gather in the morning and sing their favorite songs and where the sun comes in parading through the blinds and the fresh air of the morning says itās first hellos. Itās a beautiful sight and feeling... I miss waking up to, saying good morning to my mom, hugging her and blessing her. Counting the days until I can see her again. ā¤ļø
Friday, May 28, 2021
Today was one of āthose daysā. The barometric pressure got the best of me and I woke up with an excruciating migraine and had to take migraine medicine around the clock, and I managed to still go to bed with one, how nice! š„“
Despite the pain, I managed to have a very accomplished and productive day at work and that made me very happy.
Today was also an emotional day for me, I think the rain had something to do with it, rain has that sentimental effect on me, and a lot of other people too I think. Emotions run easy and freely through me these days and I welcome them all.
Iām very thankful for the weekend, I need a little bit of rest after an intense week of goodbyes, travel, unpacking, laundry, working and getting back to ānormalā life.
Peace out Friday! āš»
Thursday, May 27, 2021
A joy filled Thursday to you!!! ā¤ļø
I was just telling a friend yesterday about my experience at Queen Mine in Bisbee, Arizona and as I unpacked another bag yesterday, I realized I had this good looking (and very heavy!) coffee mug! I love it! āļø
When I think about all the things I did and all the experiences lived for those weeks I was away, it makes me really appreciate the importance of time away, the importance of friendship and most importantly, the importance of dedicating time to family and ourselves.
People are always intrigued about why I love to travel alone, but perhaps they havenāt tried it yet, or itās not for them, just like everything else. We are all made different, we feel different, we view the world different, we ARE different and thank goodness for that, because the world would be a pretty boring place if we were all made the same.
I am social by nature - my brother called me āel ajonjolĆ de todos los molesā, the sesame seed for all moles, ha! Loved that, I do get along with just about everyone and I despise conflict.
But, thatās not where I was going with this, although I am a very social person by nature, I crave alone time too, and I enjoy it as much as I enjoy the company of others or conversations with family and friends, itās almost as if my body, my mind, my heart needs solitude in order to thrive.
Traveling alone both ways to Arizona in April and May was refreshing and soul renewing for me. If I close my eyes, I can feel the peace of the train rocking me and soothing me, I can feel the comfort that the privacy of the sleeper bedroom brought me, and I can taste the coffee I enjoyed while looking at the landscape of the county as we rode through so many states. Simply magic.
Easing my way back into the rhythm of ordinary life. Iād rather be on Amtrak, but Iām enjoying this āback to lifeā schedule too. Itās all about balance! āŗļø
Wednesday, May 26, 2021
Sitting in my regular coffee spot in the front porch of my house, loving all the sounds, smells of the rain from last night and more than anything, my alone time, I treasure that in the mornings, itās almost sacred to me.
Something interesting happened to me this morning that made me realized the awesomeness of the connection between our brains and our feelings, truly a gift for the soul.
This morning I had to take Stan to work because his car broke down, well, itās more like it doesnāt work at all and we need to look for a replacement car ASAP, but anyways, but since our garage door also broke (I know, I know! šš¤¦š¼āāļø), I had to come in through the front door which we almost never do and as I looked for the key in my keychain, a simple touch reminded me of my mom immediately and I could almost feel her presence standing right next to me.
During my stay in Mexico I learned a lot of new things about my mom. You canāt really get to know someone -even if itās your parents and siblings- unless you live with them and do life with them regularly, ordinary life, itās a different kind of āgetting to know youā, the unfiltered side of life.
My momās door that leads to the patio has three locks but only one key. My momās keychain that houses the keys for all the doors in the house, has many keys, Saint Peter has nothing on them! One day as I was almost frantically looking for the right key to lock the back door so I could go to sleep, I found myself having a heck of a time finding the right key, and my legally blind mother calmly walked up to me and said āItās easy mi niƱa, Iāll show you. The key to this door has a very smooth back, youāll recognize it immediately.ā She found it right away with her touch and showed me it. She was right, it had a very smooth back, it stands out from the others!
My mom does almost everything by touch and sounds, those senses have developed tremendously since she lost her vision. After that day, I had no issues finding the key to the back door of the house that leads to the patio. This morning as I was looking for the key to the front door of my house, I came across to an almost identical key, same shape, same color, and SAME smooth surface, the kind that comes when something has given years of service. I thought of my mom instantly, the moment my fingers came in contact with the back of the surface of the key. One simple touch, so many memories.
Yesterday I did more laundry from my trip and one of the things I washed was my favorite dark mustard color cardigan and I put a little extra softener in the wash. My mom LOVES the smell of softener and absolutely loves the softness of clothing. Senses, itās all about senses, feeling, smelling, touch.
Iām sitting on the front porch wearing my favorite cardigan, feeling the softness of it, smelling the softener, and drinking coffee thinking of my mom and her back patio.
One touch, one scent, one flavor and so much love in all of that. ā¤ļø
Tuesday, May 25, 2021
Back in my usual coffee spot in the front porch, drinking coffee, enjoying the outdoor sounds of my suburban life and thinking about all the experiences lived these past few weeks. I have a little bit of a jet lag, a two hour time zone difference might not seem like a lot, but when you add the travel, the emotions, and everything else in between, it adds up.
This morning as I was about to slip in my front porch sandals coffee cup in hand, I decided to put on the $5 flip flops I bought in Mexico to use in my momās back patio during the day. Instant melancholy, itās strange how a simple, inexpensive pair of shoes can bring back so many memories.
I absolutely LOVED sitting in the back patio at my momās house every morning with my cup of coffee. The trees are tall and strong and so green and full and there are a crazy variety of birds chirping and singing in the mornings coming from every tree at my momās house and the surrounding areas. My mom and brother have a big bowl of water for them and they also feed every morning. They know when feed time is and they start showing up one by one, very smart birds. Iād sit there drinking my coffee, observing the birds, looking at the trees and the spot where my dad used to drink his coffee every morning and play chess. So many stories in that back patio, some shared, many untold.
I purchased the coffee cup Iām drinking out of this morning in Sedona at the Chapel of the Holy Cross, such a magical place!!! They have a small gift shop in the lower level and I couldnāt resist this purchase.
āCourage doesnāt always roar, sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, āI will try again tomorrow.ā ~Mary Anne Radmacher
I needed a lot of courage to do the things I did on my trip to Mexico. I had no choice, but I still needed the courage. I started and ended almost every day, especially the first few weeks saying to myself, āitās ok, breath, breath again, you can do it, tomorrow will be another day and it will be better because you will have accomplished one more day of what seemed impossible when you arrived.ā Yes, I said all those things to myself almost every day, in the back patio drinking my coffee, in the shower as tears rolled down my face sometimes, in the quiet of the solitary walks I took in the backyard of my momās house while she napped and prayed and I thought āhow can this be our life now?!ā
I made it, I did it, I accomplished the impossible!!! Was it easy?! Absolutely not! Was it worth it?! Heck yes, 100%!!! And I can say it with all honesty, that I believe this trip was designed by God to be that way, at that specific time, not before, not after. Had I arrived right after the passing of my dad and brother, I wouldāve been a huge mess, bigger than I have been, and I would not have been able to accomplish and do all the things I did for my mom and at her home. My trip to Mexico was meant to be at that exact time, when my soul was a little more healed, and I could face our new reality. My trip to Mexico came at a time when my mom and my brother Will were also recovered from their own illness and needed another human being by their side that understood their pain at a similar level.
There were many subjects left untouched, I couldnāt deal with it, I couldnāt force myself to know more, to experience more pain. Iām thankful for my brother Will that never pushed me to do more because it was our responsibility as a family to deal with this new reality. He let me take my take and when I couldnāt do it, he lovingly said, āno worries, breath, Iāll take care of it.ā My mom loved, absolutely loved talking about my dad, and ESPECIALLY my brother. I honestly couldnāt deal with it but I listened most of the time, a couple of times I had to tell her I wasnāt ready to talk so much about them, especially my brother. She understood. I had to protect myself from getting physically sick, grief is hard, grief is VERY hard, it touches the very core of your existence, and it requieres a lot of time to heal.
I go back to work today, and although Iām tired in every way, I think it will be good getting back on a routine, work, home, dinner, laundry, walks, conversations with my family on the porch, the ordinary that builds the foundation of our lives.
Grateful, thankful, blessed. Grief has given these words and feelings a whole new meaning.
Maybe Iāll take my Mexican pink flip flops off now, wash my coffee cup and my face and start the day. New beginnings, new projects, a new day. š
Monday, May 24, 2021
Itās been over a month since Iāve embarked on the most challenging, life changing and soul searching journey of my life. It sounds dramatic, but itās really how it feels to me. As much as I love to journal and ponder about the philosophical aspects of life, I donāt think Iād ever be able to write down what my physical body, and soul have gone through.
Iāve slept in 8 beds since I left home on April 15th, every pillow of every bed tasted my tears, some a little more than others, all of them hidden from my loved ones, tears are rolling down as I journal this, but Iāve learned to love my tears, my feelings, my emotions, my sadness and my joys, ALL of it!!! I am loving that part of my grief journey, Iām learning a lot about myself, raw emotions and feelings I never thought existed in me.
When I get off the train a new chapter will begin, Iāll be walking out a new person (yes, literally) changed and renewed. As Iāve shared before, life as I knew it will never be the same, and neither will my way of looking at life in general. My perspective has completely shifted and my focus has gained a lot more value. Life is too short as we know it, and it must be lived with joy, self care, respect, kindness and lots of love. I am ready for this new chapter, itās bright and filled with hope! ā¤ļø
On a different subject, I just met a super lovely couple on the train traveling from California to Chicago. The lady was born in Michigan and raised in Tennessee and they are visiting family in Chicago. They said it was their first time on the train, they are also traveling by sleeper and have loved it. I told them they should do it again when Amtrak resumes regular dining with table clothes and flowers at the table, and a full service of chefs and servers, so, so fun!!!
The train has given me all the time, the rest and the space I needed to come home. Iām grateful for the opportunity. ā¤ļø
Now, Iām ready to see Stan, Bella and Daisy!!! Michelle, well, I might just have to š make a weekend trip to visit her! š„°
Sunday, May 23, 2021
Itās 5:15 am on Sunday and Iām standing outside of the San Antonio, Texas train station. Our train route to Chicago made a stop to add a few cars to our train, itās pretty neat to watch the process actually. Iāve been on many train rides before but Iāve never watched an entire crew of engineers, mechanics and technical crew reroute, detach and attach more train cars, itās quite fascinating.
I went inside the station to get a cup of coffee and saw many people checking to get on the train, our train to Chicago and other routes, I always wonder where they are going and their purpose of their visit.
I have slept more in almost 24 hours Iāve been on the train, than in the past week I think, I needed this so much before getting back to hustle and bustle of work and life. It might take me a whole year to recover from this ordeal. Hardest (but also most rewarding) trip Iāve made. Iām hoping they all become rewarding trips only from now on, I think Iāve learned enough lessons to last a lifetime.
My mom is sad and I donāt like it. She was sad before I arrived in Mexico about my dad and my brother, and now sheās sad about me leaving... ahhh, why did life have to get so complicated or maybe this is the way things were meant to be. Iām really, really, really hoping she can come visit this Summer. Saying my prayers and crossing my fingers, I already miss my mom, a lot!
Our eldest moved out of state while I was away and I wonāt get to see her or hug her when I get back, but Iām thrilled for her; starting her new adult life and about all the opportunities coming her way. Iāve never been one āholdā them back or to try to keep them close by. If itās their will, great, if itās not, great too. Life is about taking chances, about adventuring out into the world and pursuing your goals. I donāt like using the word ādreamā, dreams are fleeing, goals can become a palpable reality if you work hard and believe in yourself and your potential. Iām proud of Michelle, Iām very proud of her and more than anything, I admire her dedication and willingness to stay focused on her goals no matter how many times life has tripped her in the past. I can hardly wait to see what life has in store for her. āļø
Happy Sunday!!! ā¤ļø
Saturday, May 22, 2021
This morning I embarked on the very awaited train ride back home to Chicago, Illinois from Tucson, Arizona and I have to be honest, for a split second as I was boarding I regretted my decision of traveling back by train. I was so exhausted, and the thought of hauling my bags and getting settled and then being on the train for so many hours haunted me, but hey, I had a ticket in hand already and I DO love train rides, so of course I hoped on as soon as the conductor yelled, āAll Aboard!!!ā š
The moment I got settled in and ordered my first cup of coffee (by the way, Amtrak has some of the best tasting coffee Iāve ever had, true story!), I started to relax and enjoy my traveling experience on the train. Iāve been on the train for six hours so far and Iāve slept approximately five hours out of those six, no joke! I was so extremely tired and exhausted in every way.
I started watching a movie on Netflix but Iāve spent more time hitting play again and again than watching it, I fall asleep every time, but Iām here to listen to my body and to sleep and eat on demand. š„°
We just passed El Paso, Texas and itās now 4 pm, not sure if I want a big meal in the dining car or something lighter from the snack car, I guess I can play it by ear. This trip will for sure be one to remember in many ways.
Maybe Iāll go back to Netflix now, or eating or napping... šš
Friday, May 21, 2021
My heart is feeling so many things right now, so many emotions at the same time that Iām almost confused. Grief is such a strange experience, it has so many layers!!!
Iāve realized that the recent losses of my family members have opened up my mind and my world in a way that I never thought itād be possible. As Iāve shared before, life as I knew it will never be the same, and not only because of the physical losses Iāve experienced, but because those losses made me new, in a bigger and better way, Iād like to think of it that way at least.
Today was a day filled with many emotions. It was my first day away from my mom and my brother after spending almost a month together. I also got to experience the joys of being around young children at my friendās house (they always make me laugh and they entertain me a lot with their silliness) and we ended the day visiting with dear high school friends at a local and super charming restaurant. Bonus, I got to hug my friendās adult daughter who I also love dearly, who happened to be dining at the same place with friends.
I have a long way to go as far as my healing journey goes, but Iāve decided to take it one day at a time, to give myself space to feel all the feelings and to find meaning in the loss, at my own pace.
Tomorrow, I start heading home, a new chapter. Iām ready for it. ā¤ļø
Thursday, May 20, 2021
Itās 9 pm and I am already in bed. I feel SO exhausted like never before. I think my emotions and physical activity in the past few weeks finally caught up with me and my body is like āwait a minute, I need a break...ā
I left Mexico at 6 am this morning and the goodbyes were hard but not as hard as I anticipated them to be because I felt a lot of gratefulness about the way I left my mom and her house. There was a lot of work that needed to be done, but my brother and I rolled up the sleeves and got to work. My momās physical health improved a lot in the time I was there.
Iām so tired I can hardly hold my phone, so Iām going to listen to my body, put my phone down and go to sleep. Tomorrow is another day, Iāll share a little more from the train.
In the meantime... good night! š„°
Wednesday, May 19, 2021
Itās midnight and Iām sitting in my dadās kitchen chair at my momās home. I just logged off my computer, I had a few work things I needed to do, technology is so amazing, every time I connect remotely, Iām amazed by it. Thankful!
Today was a very busy day, my last full day of this visit to my hometown. I had a few things I needed to take care of, but I also spent some quality time with my mom, we even watched a movie together, we also dozed off a few times while āwatchingā! š
Iāll share a little more about today in my next journal page, because today was filled with excitement and good things.
Iām feeling very calm about leaving tomorrow and that alone is a gift in itself!!! I am very grateful for that. They say time heals, there might be some truth to that...
Time to go to sleep and catch at least 3 hours of sleep before I have to wake up to get on the road and start making my way back home.
Good night! ā¤ļø
Tuesday, May 18, 2021
Itās 10 am and weāve been up for quite a few hours already. Iām sitting in the back patio of my momās house relaxing for a bit while my mom watches daily Mass on tv. Itās peaceful outside, the only noises I can hear right now is the birds chirping and the washer running, which is under a roof outdoors, one of the luxuries of living in warm climate. No need for dryers either, most people hang their clothes on clothing lines and let them air dry. You spend more time hanging them, than what it takes for them to dry, the sun is very strong here.
Last week I hired someone to come help my mom with housekeeping chores and cooking since my mom is very limited (physically) to what she can do right now and she started working today. Having help in the house became a NEED not a luxury and I am very thankful that I will go back to Chicago having the peace of mind of knowing that my mom will have some type of assistance. Itās only been a few hours since she arrived, and sheās phenomenal, praying it will continue to work out for everyone!
I have been determined for a few days to focus on the positive of the life we were chosen to live the beginning of this year. My mom started sharing some things I really wasnāt ready to listen to, and I told her that I didnāt want to talk about the past anymore, that I wanted to move forward, and that I only wanted to remember the good times and good memories of my departed loved ones, not the struggles or sadness or uphill battles of life. Only positive vibes from now on... I need that for my soul, for my healing process, I needed to be honest with my mom. She agreed it was a good idea, even for herself. Making strides, one day, one hour, one minute at a time. We are getting there... ā¤ļø
Iām learning that the healing process after loss, itās actually a beautiful transformation of the soul. I have learned SO much since 2021 started, and as I have shared before, life as I knew it before January of this year, will never be the same, and I will never view life, situations, circumstances and even people the same way. I have evolved, I am transforming and I actually love and welcome gladly that part of my grief.
I am thankful so very thankful for the gift of life and for the people God has put on my path, that it humbles me.
Looking forward to a new and better future ahead, for myself, for my family and all the people I love and appreciate. Grateful! ā¤ļø
Monday, May 17, 2021
Itās almost midnight again and Iām really tired but Iām going to bed with my heart full and my stomach too!
I had a few awesome conversations with some people very dear to my heart today. Today, I laughed until I cried (literally), I cried, I reflected on life and reconnected with a childhood friend. It was a day of healing, a day filled with love, a day well spent.
I ate a lot of delicious food today, oh my goodness!!! I started the day with fish tacos, continued with crab tostadas and salmon, and ended the day with the most delicious hotdog!!! In between, I enjoyed a super yummy michelada and lots of coffee and some leftover cake from my brotherās birthday yesterday.
Blessed, BLESSED! ā¤ļø
Sunday, May 16, 2021
Itās mid day and Iām sitting in a quiet corner of my momās house reflecting, meditating, thinking, taking it all in.
Itās my brotherās birthday today and we are celebrating with a yummy dinner and cake and some snacks. Celebrating has taken on a new meaning lately, we will eventually get to the āfireworksā level of celebrations, but for now what we do is just perfect. The soul canāt be rushed...
Iām beyond proud of being my brotherās sister. He was born with a caring heart and a compassionate soul, and the way he cares for my mother, humbles me. A GIFT, no doubt!
Funny how the day just goes by so you quick, I paused between my afternoon sitting down with a cup of coffee and thoughts, and here I am now, almost midnight and winding down watching the Netflix series āSelenaā.
Today was a very good day in many ways, and Iām grateful for it. ā¤ļø
Saturday, May 15, 2021
We are half way through May, but it seems like weāve already experienced a full year of life events.
Iām sitting in the back patio of my momās house and the first sounds of the day are the best sounds, birds, birds, birds all over, and Iām loving it. They are already starting to make their way down for breakfast, I love seeing them here.
A few people have asked me if Iām missing Stan and the girls, every time Iāve answered no, because Iām focused on enjoying my time with my family here in Mexico right now. Being present in the moment I think itās the biggest gift we can give ourselves.
We decided last minute to go to the beach today, an in and out kind of visit, but Iāve got sunshine on my mind already and Iām really looking forward to enjoying the smell and and vibes of the ocean! āļøš
Friday, May 14, 2021
Itās 7 am in Mexico right now and Iāve been up for more than 1 hr., Iām starting to feel a little sleep deprived, but coffee is my best friend today and almost every day. š„°
There is a tabby looking outdoor lady cat that roams around my momās back patio every single day, day and night. The cat drinks the water we put out for the birds, and when she send me outside sitting with my cup of coffee she shows up randomly from a corner of the backyard, takes a quick and careful look at me and then sits 7-10 feet in front of me observing me. The cat is meowing at the house behind my mom, and the next door neighbors are going nuts!!!
I can hear at least 5 different types of birds chirping, ALL at the same time by the trees where Iām sitting wind there is one lonely dove roaming the back patio area outside my momās kitchen where we feed them every morning, probably thinking, āhello?! When are you finishing your coffee so I can eat?!ā These birds come to my momās patio every single morning without fail to eat and drink their water, my mom loves that routine, but itās quite the task, let me tell you. š
Yesterday was a busy day of keeping up with doctors appointments for my mom and driving around for hours looking for prescription medicine, one especially that we couldnāt find anywhere and every time a pharmacist checked their computer system to see if anther pharmacy had it, weād drive there only to find out they did NOT have it! Needless to say, my brother noticed the exhaustion, despair and desperation in my momās face and mine and decided to drop us off at home and continue the quest for that one stubborn prescription. God bless him for his love and patience! I try... I donāt always succeed. Exhaustion at every level is starting to take the best of me, but I wonāt let it win!
I have to run an errand for my mom shortly and then, Iām picking up our new favorite breakfast of green smoothies and yogurt parfaits with fruits, oats, honey and almonds, yum, yum!!!
May you have a joy filled and KIND day Friday! š
Thursday, May 13, 2021
The beginning of this week was filled with dread, no better way to explain it.
We had to face the unavoidable and attend the funeral Mass for my dad and brother. When a loved one dies, there is an ocean of things to take care of, ALL of those things in the midst of anguish when all you want to do is run away and pretend that none of it is real. Itās real, although your brain refuses to accept it and your souls suffers because of it.
We did it. My mother, my brother Will and I, accompanied by family and friends attended my dadās and my brotherās funeral and we āsurvivedā the experience. A tough, tough, tough experience, but let me share the story behind this coffee mug now as I am determined to work towards healing and find joy in the ordinary and extraordinary of my days. ā¤ļø
On Tuesday, as my brother and I ran errands in preparation for the funeral Mass, we stopped to purchase two frames for the pictures that would be placed by the urns at church. The store was very busy that night and by the time we approached the cash registers, the lines were very long. There were approximately 10 lines opened if not more, and one express line which had tons and tons of people.
My brother and I debated with what line to to go to. I picked one randomly and hoped for the best, they were all very long. All we wanted is to get home and get some rest for the next day.
As I approached the check out counter, I glimpsed to the left of the shelves, the ājunkā shelves. You know? The ones where they strategically place all the potato chips, and chocolates and snacks and the $1 hand sanitizers and lip balms that you donāt need, but you get anyways because they are there and you might need them and then I saw āthe cupā. This cup in which Iām drinking my coffee this morning.
A coffee mug that was left there by someone. A random check out register; a coffee mug with the MOST perfect message for me, for my brother, for my mom, for US. A COFFEE MUG! Not a picture, or a shirt or a hat or anything else with that message... a coffee mug, my favorite thing in the whole world, as far as possessions go. It wasnāt at the end of the express line, it wasnāt at cash registers 1, or 2, or 3 or 4... it was placed exactly where it needed to be placed; and I was directed exactly to that register. A coffee mug waiting just for me!
The coffee cup even had a little chipped part in the front, and I loved it even more for it, as life has proved to be imperfect, broken, but still beautiful. I was looking at the little imperfection of the cup this morning, and that part makes the shape of a heart when you look at it from the side. Coincidence?! No way!!!
The message on the coffee cup, āThe BEST is yet to COMEā, will be my reminder (our reminder, my brother end my mom loved this moment and message also!) that yes, indeed, the best is yet to come!!! Life knocked us down momentarily, but we continue to look for little miracles like this one, and moments of joy that whisper to us, āeverything will be ok...ā I feel it in my heart, everything WILL be ok.
A grocery store. The chosen register line. A glimpse. A coffee mug. A message of hope. The beginning of our healing process.
Weāll take it! ā¤ļø
Wednesday, May 12, 2021
May 12th, a day that will be forever engraved in my heart.
Today, my dad and my brother JesĆŗs RamĆ³n were ālaidā to rest at my childhood parish. A Mass was said and after the funeral rites and blessings, my mom, my brother Will and I walked the urns to the mausoleum which is attached to the church. A beautiful, sacred and private area filled with cremated remains of the loved ones of so many people. Imagine how many stories house that beautiful building.
I experienced quite a bit of anxiety in the days leading to today, but I can sincerely say that although my heart and my body are very tired from the grief and the physical and emotional exhaustion of anticipating this day, my soul is more at rest now and filled with hope for the future.
Nothing, absolutely NOTHING can ever prepare you for this level of grief and I have experienced many, many feelings during this journey, some of those feelings and emotions were completely new to me. Elizabeth KĆ¼bler-Ross wrote the five stages of grief (a sixth stage was approved and added recently), and there could not be more wisdom in those sixth stages.
denial.
anger.
bargaining.
depression.
acceptance.
meaning.
Iām making my way through, a very challenging journey to be honest, very challenging, but Iām willing to put in the work.
After church we had something to eat and my mom is napping right now, our bodies are drained in so many ways, but we have plenty of love to share.
My dad and my brother took our love with them and we kept theirs and all of our memories together. ā¤ļø
Tuesday, May 11, 2021
Today was a hard day. A day of getting prepared for my dadās and my brotherās funeral Mass tomorrow. None of it makes sense, and it all still hurts a lot, but I guess life goes on and we got to move with itās own beat.
Tomorrow we say our final goodbyes, but they are already in our hearts forever. šš
Monday, May 10, 2021
Here I am, āsittingā down at almost midnight for the first time since I woke up this morning. Itās been a very busy and emotional day.
Today is Motherās Day in Mexico and the day was filled with memories, grief, joy, special moments and lots of yummy food! Life is an interesting adventure. We grieve, we miss our loved ones, and yet, life goes on and we celebrate all the moments.
My brother Will grilled ribs and steaks today and we had a traditional ācarne asadaā, with all itās fixings and toppings and it was DELICIOUS!!! Everything was just perfect!
We sat in my momās back patio for dinner, the weather was perfect, Iād say mid high to mid 70ās and calm. My mom is not very outdoorsy and Iāve been trying to encourage her to go outside a little more, especially now since the heat is still tolerable, she actually enjoys that when we sit outside.
I could go on and on about the many emotions I felt today, but Iāll leave that tucked in my heart for now. Life is a journey, a journey of love and Iām determined to live it to the fullest. ā¤ļø
Sunday, May 9, 2021
A different kind of Motherās Day. The first time not spending Motherās Day with my kids as a family, but very thankful for the opportunity to be in my hometown with my mom for Motherās Day.
Today was a low key day as far as celebrations (compared to the all day celebrations the girls and Stan usually have for me š), but it was a good day. Tomorrow, we will have a ārealā celebration for Mexicoās Motherās Day, looking forward to that.
Itās almost midnight and Iām just now lying down and Iām really tired, so Iāll share a little more about other things tomorrow, for now, Happy Motherās Day to all moms whose hearts are feeling many, many different feelings right now.
Good night. ā¤ļø
Saturday, May 8, 2021
Iām sitting in the kitchen, in my dadās chair. This was his spot for four decades, he was a creature of habit and routines, I have vivid memories of him at this corner of the kitchen table.
I was talking to some high school friends of mine last night about my dad and my relationship with him. I actually LOVE the fact that speaking about our imperfect love for each other and the very complicated relationship we had for years, itās healing for me and what I love more about it is the fact that I donāt feel ashamed of it, or embarrassed or anything like that, at the contrary, it allows my vulnerability to show all colors. Maybe, I can speak with such ease about it because we had the gift of reconciling, of healing and forgiving.
My dad was not a person that showed emotions, at least not the loving kind of emotions, other emotions, yes, he showed those, haha, emotions like, anger (whatever didnāt align with his ideals) and especially frustration, he was really great at that.
My dad was the most honest and true to himself and the world kind of man, whether you liked it or agreed with it or not. He always told it like it was. It didnāt always go well with everyone, I was one of those. My dad could care less if you were rich or poor, if you drove the fanciest car, or if you didnāt have money to take a city bus. My dad recognized the value of people for WHO they were, for what their essence was, and if you checked ok in his book, you had his love and affection, BIG time!
If we were talking about someone or something that he didnāt agree with for whatever reason, my dad would immediately get up and leave the room. He did now allow the bad energy that particular conversation was bringing into his life, into that moment. He knew better, he would leave the room and go outside to play chess, drink coffee and smoke a cigarette. He was the happiest when he was outside doing those things.
I feel so extremely thankful that our relationship healed, that we were able to connect again, and that the memories that I have of him (even the ones with a shade of pain), are now stories of love and lessons learned.
My mom and I had a conversation about my dad this morning, and I told her how much it hurt for so many years not being able to understand him or even better, to appreciate him and that I was now completely healed from it, for a few years now. I think she liked hearing that, but I know it pains her too knowing in a way she was a contributor in a way of that complicated relationship and hurt suffered for quite some time.
I love the fact that I can share my story with ease, without guilt, with an open heart and with ALL the vulnerability of the world. We ALL have a story, we all carry pains and joys and our own burdens, we donāt all have to share it, that decisions is ours to make, but for me, sharing and being opened about it, heals me in more ways that I could ever describe.
Today, I had three cups of coffee in my dadās chair. I wonder if he was looking down and smiling at this moment. ā¤ļø
šø: my coffee cup, a coffee cup that is at least 35 years old that belonged to my grandmotherās oldest sister. Iām looking directly at the spot across from my parentās home where my dad sat almost daily to drink coffee. My dad was a lover of the outdoors, carefree and a hippie at heart just like me.
Friday, May 7, 2021
Iām sitting in the back patio of my momās house, the weather couldnāt be more perfect!!! Itās 8 am and 73 degrees, Iām still sitting in the shade because the sun is very strong here. Iām looking at all the fruit trees, the grapefruit tree seems to be the one thriving right now, that tree has to be close to 30 feet high, itās pretty tall and strong.
Yesterday I did a lot of work at my momās house! A lot of cleaning and organizing and moving nick nacks and dusting and reorganizing again. My momās visual disability allows her to do minimum things around the house, and I feel very thankful right now to be able to do it while Iām here, I wish I could do it more often for her.
My mom has her own Saint altar at home where she keeps her mini paschal candle, her favorite small Saint statues, and rosary. As I was moving things and dusting, I told my mom it was ābath day!ā for all the Saints, luckily she found that funny, ha! They are all clean and shiny now and I boxed (with her permission of course) a few other things she didnāt need there anymore. She loved the ārenovationā of her altar and prayer corner.
Iāve been trying to get my mom involved in my cleaning and organizing as much as I can. I want her to be part of it, even though she canāt do it physically, and she actually enjoys that. āMom, do you need this? Where do you want this? Can I wash this? Can this be recycled? Can...? Can...? Can...?ā team work, is the best of works!
I have a busy day today between work and house chores, but the good thing is that I donāt have a schedule or a time frame to stick to actually. Iām going to enjoy my breakfast, pour myself another cup of coffee and wait for my mom to wake up. Itās only 8:30 am right now and we went to bed late yesterday after checking off boxes in our long to do list.
Off to start breakfast and go on with the day, with a grateful heart, an open mind and especially these days, with lots of hope and faith and love.
And because Maya Angelou inspires me on a daily basis, here is one of my favorite quotes that speaks to me today.
āMy mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.ā ~Maya Angelou
Wednesday, May 6, 2021
Itās 11 pm and Iām laying down in bed, in the quiet of my momās bedroom, we are āroomiesā I joke with her. My momās bedroom has two queen size beds and our beds face each other. We talk at night before we fall asleep, she blesses me, I bless her, and then just before falling asleep, I say to her āgood night, roomie!ā She laughs. ā¤ļø
Yesterday, my cousin Jorge died and his death has left a big void in our lives. I talked about my cousin Jorge often, especially to my friends back in Chicago, people that didnāt know him, I wanted people to know him, just like I always wanted people to know my brother, I admired them both for different reasons and similar reasons as well. They both suffered a good deal when they walked their earthly journey and they both had grateful hearts in their suffering. Thatās admirable.
My heart, my soul feels a little spent right now, Iām not going to lie. My whole body and being keep saying to me āwait a minute, whatās going on, give me a break please, I need a little peace...ā
I donāt ever remember feeling this level of grief before, I donāt like it, but Iām certainly learning from it.
For the very first time today, I held my dadās and my brotherās urns. I didnāt know how it would feel. āWould I fall apart?ā āWould I cry?ā āWould I?ā āWould I?ā āWould I?ā
Fortunately, I didnāt experience any of the feelings I had been anticipating. I was able to carefully and lovingly hold each of the urns and feel peace while doing so. I pray that the same peace Iāve been experiencing about my dad and brother in the past few days remain with me for a long time.
Today I also spent the day doing a lot of house work and chores for my mom, maybe Iāll share some of it tomorrow, but for now, I better go to sleep, my eyes are hardly staying opened! 11:20 pm Mexico time right now. Buenas noches! ā¤ļøāļø
Wednesday, May 5, 2021
Iām sitting in the back patio under my ādadāsā tree, the tree where he sat every single day to drink his coffee, to play chess, to contemplate life. Iām doing all that, except for playing chess, Iāve never understood or even tried to understand that is. Bella is a good chess player, she took after grandpa.
I find it very interesting that for so many years (Iād say from age 12-24) I very much disliked my dad, I didnāt hate him, I never did, but I didnāt like him, I didnāt understand him, I didnāt appreciate almost anything about him, and at the same time, I have SO much of him in me, more than my brothers ever did or do.
Marriage, leaving my house and marrying mr. amazing, helped my healing process and allowed me to view my dad from a different perspective. I think distance helped too... distance was crucial in my healing process. I firmly believe that God made that separation possible for me, so I could heal and start my journey to reconciliation. Iāve shared a few stories about my reconciliation with my dad, one of the things Iām most grateful for in my life. It was like finishing a chapter in a good book when you donāt have time to read. You put it down and you pick it up again, you forget about it, you see it laying on the coffee table and it almost whispers your name as you pass by... read me, explore me, understand me, love me, and when you do, when you FINALLY pick up that book and you read that last chapter and you understand it, and love it and appreciate it, you feel so good about it, and itās such a great feeling of accomplishment. You are a bit wiser and more mature because of it. That was my relationship with my dad. An open book with one chapter left to finish... I finished it, we finished it, and it was great.
Iāve inherited many natural traits of my dad. Here are a few, simple, ordinary things, but things that makes us think of my dad nonetheless. My mom is always in awe at our similarities.
We both loved/love opening doors and windows in the house as soon as the sun came up. I want the sun to come in, I want to feel the air, I want to see the world and I donāt mind being āseenā. My momās biggest concern always, āclose that door, close that window, people will look in, strangers will stop by...ā My dad and I were always soulmates in that department.
My dad and I started/start the day with a fresh cup of black coffee, no sugar, no cream, just plain. We BOTH sipped/sip it outside, rain or shine!!!
We loved/love nature!!! Nothing made my dad happier than to be outside enjoying the outdoors and letting the earth speak to us. We were hippies that way and I absolutely loved it!!!
Both my dad and I slept/sleep literally on the edge of the bed, almost as if we were/are about to fall out. One leg under the bedsheets, one leg OUT of the bedsheets. Crazy, right?
My dad and I both never, literally never sneezed/sneeze only once, I mean, NEVER! Itās always a series of sneezes no matter what!!!
Unfortunately, I also inherited his headaches (thank you, dad! š).
We both were/are free thinkers, and spoke our truths. And we both loved/love a good conversation with someone we connected/connect with.
As Iām journaling my thoughts this morning, something pretty INCREDIBLE just happened. A dove came flying out of nowhere directly towards me, literally circled me around for a few seconds scaring me a bit as he flapped its wings and then sat on the tree branch next to me. As soon as it flew away, it went straight to the brick wall in front me and sat there looking at me. The bird sat there for a good few minutes, I looked at him, yes, I talked to it, and said thank you. A coincidence? I donāt think so.
This morning a drop of toothpaste dropped on the bathroom sink and as soon as I looked down what did I see? The toothpaste had landed and formed the shape of a perfect heart. Iāve notified that every time I think about my brother, I find hearts in the most random of places.
My loved ones are with me every step of the way, manifesting their presence, loving me as I continue to love them. šš
Tuesday, May 4, 2021
Iām sitting in the back patio of my momās house (I used to always say my parents house, it feels weird saying that without my dadās presence here now, and it feels weird just saying āmy momās houseā anyways...), the weather is in the low 90ās but it actually feels nice in the shade. Iām sitting under a huge grapefruit tree that covers 1/4 of the patio. Next to it, there is a humongous kumquat tree, a lime tree and also a fig tree, how cool is that?! š
Today is the first day since Iāve arrived in my hometown that Iāve felt āat homeā. I always feel like a visitor, because thatās exactly what I am when I come to visit, but this time is different, this is NO vacation at all, itās family time at a completely different level. There are many things to do, many decisions to make, much organization and projects to work on, and the list goes on and on and on, but today for some reason, all of it feels as a blessing, not a burden, and for that I am extremely grateful.
Speaking of blessings, you know what Iām extremely grateful for?! Helping hands!!! Hands that offer their heart no matter what they are going through, and weāve had many of those hands and hearts in the course of our lives, but especially since this year started. We are definitely very, very blessed!
I will tell you about a story of love and dedication that we witness from a complete stranger in the next few days, Iām doing a little research as we speak to make sure that my gut feelings are correct, but if they are, this perfect definitely follows divine footprints.
I have been working on a few office related projects from here, technology is amazing and Iām thankful to be able to be anywhere and still stay connected to a certain level and log in from wherever to do whatās needed. A good balance of work, family, nothingness and everything. Sounds complicated, doesnāt it? š
Ok, itās dinner time here (more like lunch for me), and then siesta time, yeah, not really, although itās tempting and Iāve done a few times since Iāve arrived, itās the best thing!
A new day to look for moments of joy, to be grateful for the blessings in our lives and especially, an opportunity to be KIND!!! š
Monday, May 3, 2021
Do you ever have days when you feel like nothing makes sense and everything seems like an uphill battle?! Iāve had a lot of days this year, and in all honesty, Iām getting tired of them. My body is tired, my mind is tired, my soul feels spent, BUT, I keep digging into the joys of that make me the person I was born to be, and I get strength from that. I have a lot to give thanks for even in the midst of chaos and despair and Iām relaying on those blessings to keep me afloat.
Yesterday I had a kind of terrible day not feeling quite well, physically speaking. By the time evening came, when my mom and brother were asleep, Moctezuma revenge knocked on my door. I spent quite some time in the bathroom throwing up and diarrhea (sorry, part of what makes us human š). I felt feverish, although I didnāt have a fever, and I literally felt like crap!!! Bad, bad, bad night!!! It never fails, I always get sick like that once every time I visit Mexico, thankfully, once Iām over it, my stomach says āwelcome home!ā and I can handle all the yummiest again! š
This morning I woke up feeling just ok... I was a bit sluggish and achy, and funny enough, the only thing that sounded good was a cup of fresh coffee, so I did just that. I brewed a fresh cup of coffee and went outside to sip it while my brother was at work and my mom prayed, which she does a LOT of during the day.
I couldnāt really eat too much during the day, but then somehow a burger from Carlās Junior sounded good! š So far, so good! I love their burgers and we donāt have them in the Midwest, so itās almost a must.
I took my mom to get an ultrasound done today. Sheās had some health concerns and theyāve been doing blood work and all kinds of other things, thankfully, the ultrasound technician didnāt sound too concerned about any of it. He was awesome by the way, his name was Pablo and he was the sweetest human ever! So kind, so professional and so polite!!! My mom said when we left āisnāt it awesome when someone loves their profession and you can feel that love in the way they treat others?ā Yes, yes, YES! My mom said to him on the way out āthank you and God bless you!ā Awwww...
Iām finding out that having elderly parents with physical limitations is very hard, in every way. My mom has many, and it saddens me to see her that way. Her eyesight limits her greatly, and the recent health issues on top of her grief, has had a great impact on her body and mind. Weāve started working on home ārehabilitationā and a change of diet (she did not partake in the Carlās Junior feast!) and sheās already making progress, the best thing is that sheās realized where help and change is needed and sheās willing to work on it.
Today, I also had a lot of hard conversations with my mom, things she shared with me about her childhood, her marriage, her life... some things are hard for me to hear, they pain me, but they also make me admire her even more!!! My mom is an INCREDIBLE human being with the biggest heart that deserves ALL the love and respect and appreciation from everyone in the world. Our world, that is! āŗļø
Speaking of hard things... eventually, Iāll have to brave the āenteringā into my brotherās bedroom. I need to go through some of his things, things I want to keep and take with me, and in all honesty, not sure Iām ready for it. My whole core shakes at the thought of it, I can hardly look at his door without shaking internally. I. HATE. THIS. But, I think Iām making progress.
I had some work deadlines to meet today and that took a lot of my energy also, but in a way, Iām glad for the distraction.
Today had a taste of many flavors, some I liked, some disgusted me, some I hated, and some I loved. One day at a time...
āItās the hard days ā the days that challenge you to your very core ā that determine who you are. You will be defined not just by what you achieve, but how you survive.ā Sheryl Sandberg
