Morning Coffee With Maria

MARIA, A CUP OF COFFEE AND HER MANY THOUGHTS. JOURNALING EVERY DAY, COFFE IN HAND. ❤️

Wednesday, May 6, 2021

It’s 11 pm and I’m laying down in bed, in the quiet of my mom’s bedroom, we are “roomies” I joke with her.  My mom’s bedroom has two queen size beds and our beds face each other.  We talk at night before we fall asleep, she blesses me, I bless her, and then just before falling asleep, I say to her “good night, roomie!” She laughs. ❤️

Yesterday, my cousin Jorge died and his death has left a big void in our lives.  I talked about my cousin Jorge often, especially to my friends back in Chicago, people that didn’t know him, I wanted people to know him, just like I always wanted people to know my brother, I admired them both for different reasons and similar reasons as well.  They both suffered a good deal when they walked their earthly journey and they both had grateful hearts in their suffering.  That’s admirable. 

My heart, my soul feels a little spent right now, I’m not going to lie.  My whole body and being keep saying to me “wait a minute, what’s going on, give me a break please, I need a little peace...”

I don’t ever remember feeling this level of grief before, I don’t like it, but I’m certainly learning from it.

For the very first time today, I held my dad’s and my brother’s urns.  I didn’t know how it would feel.  “Would I fall apart?” “Would I cry?” “Would I?” “Would I?” “Would I?” 

Fortunately, I didn’t experience any of the feelings I had been anticipating. I was able to carefully and lovingly hold each of the urns and feel peace while doing so.  I pray that the same peace I’ve been experiencing  about my dad and brother in the past few days remain with me for a long time. 

Today I also spent the day doing a lot of house work and chores for my mom, maybe I’ll share some of it tomorrow, but for now, I better go to sleep, my eyes are hardly staying opened! 11:20 pm Mexico time right now. Buenas noches! ❤️☀️

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

I’m sitting in the back patio under my “dad’s” tree, the tree where he sat every single day to drink his coffee, to play chess, to contemplate life.  I’m doing all that, except for playing chess, I’ve never understood or even tried to understand that is.  Bella is a good chess player, she took after grandpa. 

I find it very interesting that for so many years (I’d say from age 12-24) I very much disliked my dad, I didn’t hate him, I never did, but I didn’t like him, I didn’t understand him, I didn’t appreciate almost anything about him, and at the same time, I have SO much of him in me, more than my brothers ever did or do.

Marriage, leaving my house and marrying mr. amazing, helped my healing process and allowed me to view my dad from a different perspective.  I think distance helped too... distance was crucial in my healing process.  I firmly believe that God made that separation possible for me, so I could heal and start my journey to reconciliation.  I’ve shared a few stories about my reconciliation with my dad, one of the things I’m most grateful for in my life.  It was like finishing a chapter in a good book when you don’t have time to read.  You put it down and you pick it up again, you forget about it, you see it laying on the coffee table and it almost whispers your name as you pass by... read me, explore me, understand me, love me, and when you do, when you FINALLY pick up that book and you read that last chapter and you understand it, and love it and appreciate it, you feel so good about it, and it’s such a great feeling of accomplishment.  You are a bit wiser and more mature because of it.  That was my relationship with my dad.  An open book with one chapter left to finish... I finished it, we finished it, and it was great. 

I’ve inherited many natural traits of my dad.  Here are a few, simple, ordinary things, but things that makes us think of my dad nonetheless.  My mom is always in awe at our similarities. 

We both loved/love opening doors and windows in the house as soon as the sun came up.  I want the sun to come in, I want to feel the air, I want to see the world and I don’t mind being “seen”.  My mom’s biggest concern always, “close that door, close that window, people will look in, strangers will stop by...” My dad and I were always soulmates in that department.  

My dad and I started/start the day with a fresh cup of black coffee, no sugar, no cream, just plain.  We BOTH sipped/sip it outside, rain or shine!!!

We loved/love nature!!! Nothing made my dad happier than to be outside enjoying the outdoors and letting the earth speak to us.  We were hippies that way and I absolutely loved it!!!

Both my dad and I slept/sleep literally on the edge of the bed, almost as if we were/are about to fall out. One leg under the bedsheets, one leg OUT of the bedsheets.  Crazy, right? 

My dad and I both never, literally never sneezed/sneeze only once, I mean, NEVER!  It’s always a series of sneezes no matter what!!! 

Unfortunately, I also inherited his headaches (thank you, dad! 🙄).

We both were/are free thinkers, and spoke our truths.  And we both loved/love a good conversation with someone we connected/connect with.

As I’m journaling my thoughts this morning, something pretty INCREDIBLE just happened.  A dove came flying out of nowhere directly towards me, literally circled me around for a few seconds scaring me a bit as he flapped its wings and then sat on the tree branch next to me.  As soon as it flew away, it went straight to the brick wall in front me and sat there looking at me.  The bird sat there for a good few minutes, I looked at him, yes, I talked to it, and said thank you. A coincidence? I don’t think so.

This morning a drop of toothpaste dropped on the bathroom sink and as soon as I looked down what did I see? The toothpaste had landed and formed the shape of a perfect heart.  I’ve notified that every time I think about my brother, I find hearts in the most random of places. 

My loved ones are with me every step of the way, manifesting their presence, loving me as I continue to love them. 💙💙

Monday, May 3, 2021

Do you ever have days when you feel like nothing makes sense and everything seems like an uphill battle?! I’ve had a lot of days this year, and in all honesty, I’m getting tired of them.  My body is tired, my mind is tired, my soul feels spent, BUT, I keep digging into the joys of that make me the person I was born to be, and I get strength from that.  I have a lot to give thanks for even in the midst of chaos and despair and I’m relaying on those blessings to keep me afloat.

Yesterday I had a kind of terrible day not feeling quite well, physically speaking.  By the time evening came, when my mom and brother were asleep, Moctezuma revenge knocked on my door.  I spent quite some time in the bathroom throwing up and diarrhea (sorry, part of what makes us human 😃).  I felt feverish, although I didn’t have a fever, and I literally felt like crap!!! Bad, bad, bad night!!!  It never fails, I always get sick like that once every time I visit Mexico, thankfully, once I’m over it, my stomach says “welcome home!” and I can handle all the yummiest again! 😍

This morning I woke up feeling just ok... I was a bit sluggish and achy, and funny enough, the only thing that sounded good was a cup of fresh coffee, so I did just that.  I brewed a fresh cup of coffee and went outside to sip it while my brother was at work and my mom prayed, which she does a LOT of during the day. 

I couldn’t really eat too much during the day, but then somehow a burger from Carl’s Junior sounded good! 🙈 So far, so good! I love their burgers and we don’t have them in the Midwest, so it’s almost a must. 

I took my mom to get an ultrasound done today.  She’s had some health concerns and they’ve been doing blood work and all kinds of other things, thankfully, the ultrasound technician didn’t sound too concerned about any of it.  He was awesome by the way, his name was Pablo and he was the sweetest human ever! So kind, so professional and so polite!!! My mom said when we left “isn’t it awesome when someone loves their profession and you can feel that love in the way they treat others?” Yes, yes, YES!  My mom said to him on the way out “thank you and God bless you!” Awwww...

I’m finding out that having elderly parents with physical limitations is very hard, in every way.  My mom has many, and it saddens me to see her that way.  Her eyesight limits her greatly, and the recent health issues on top of her grief, has had a great impact on her body and mind.  We’ve started working on home “rehabilitation” and a change of diet (she did not partake in the Carl’s Junior feast!) and she’s already making progress, the best thing is that she’s realized where help and change is needed and she’s willing to work on it. 

Today, I also had a lot of hard conversations with my mom, things she shared with me about her childhood, her marriage, her life... some things are hard for me to hear, they pain me, but they also make me admire her even more!!! My mom is an INCREDIBLE human being with the biggest heart that deserves ALL the love and respect and appreciation from everyone in the world.  Our world, that is! ☺️

Speaking of hard things... eventually, I’ll have to brave the “entering” into my brother’s bedroom.  I need to go through some of his things, things I want to keep and take with me, and in all honesty, not sure I’m ready for it.  My whole core shakes at the thought of it, I can hardly look at his door without shaking internally. I. HATE. THIS. But, I think I’m making progress. 

I had some work deadlines to meet today and that took a lot of my energy also, but in a way, I’m glad for the distraction. 

Today had a taste of many flavors, some I liked, some disgusted me, some I hated, and some I loved.  One day at a time... 

“It’s the hard days — the days that challenge you to your very core — that determine who you are. You will be defined not just by what you achieve, but how you survive.” Sheryl Sandberg

Friday, April 30, 2021

April has always been one of my favorite months of the year, it’s my birthday month and I have always welcomed it with great joy (I still do of course!), because I love celebrating my birthday throughout the month.  This year, April was a bit different for me, a lot different actually and the birthday celebrations felt almost obligated in a way, rushed, and a bit strange.  Our family went through a lot this month of April, I went through a lot, but here I am right now taking inventory about all the experiences and all the lessons learned.  I’m embracing life as it is right now, it’s a much better alternative. ❤️

Today I took my mom to a doctor’s appointment and after her appointment, my brother, my mom and I went out to eat, it was really great sitting there, the three of us, chatting and not worrying about too much for a brief moment.  Ordinary moments are extraordinary moments these days.

Speaking of doctors, my mom went to a new doctor today (new to us 😉), and he was just simply AMAZING!!! So extremely compassionate and kind and wise and all the good things you can imagine! He even gave me his cell phone number so I could text him or call him anytime with questions or concerns.  An angel sent to us that happens to wear a stethoscope.  Today, I give special thanks about the gift of this new doctor that put my mom’s concerns at ease. 

This morning I had a good, healthy cry in the back patio, all by myself.  I cried all I had to and then I “recovered” and went on with my day.  I’m learning to welcome my uninvited tears with more ease these days, it’s almost as we are becoming familiar with each other.  Tears heals, but I’m thankful that more smiles and joyful moments fill my heart these days.  One day at a time.  It’s all happening... ❤️

It’s almost midnight and I’m sitting in my mom’s kitchen all by myself, my mom is sleeping and do is my brother.  The only thing I can hear is the refrigerator running.  It’s very warm too, I’m starting to feel the heat of the season. 

A day of joys, a day of feeling my soul fully, a day of kindness and compassion, and a day to close another chapter in the calendar year.  May, I’m ready for you! ❤️

Thursday, April 29, 2021

Before I journal my feelings and emotional and vulnerability about a very unpleasant situation I experienced this morning, I’ll share a little bit of love from today, because despite the big messiness of life we’ve experienced lately, I am determined to focus on the good, the lessons and most importantly, the JOY of living!!! ❤️

This morning started out with the usual routine... breakfast, coffee, conversations at the kitchen table with my mom and my brother, Will.  My mom is SO used to my brother caring for her now, that she almost depends and counts on him for security, and I’m ok with that.  I’m here always, usually as a visitor, this is (will be) my longest stay here so far because of the circumstances, so I do what I can, what I think is right, but I never arrive with expectations or demands to change anything, especially routines, especially now.  If my mom likes to use a certain fork and spoon and coffee cup (because she does), I do as I see and give her those and keep them aside for her.  If she likes to leave her pill container on a certain section of the dresser (because she does), I leave it just there after dusting and cleaning because that’s her routine and because with her visual disability, she has become a creature of habit, because that’s what makes life easier for her.  I am the one that has to adjust, not her to me, not the household to me, ALTHOUGH, my brother has had a hard time “locating” dishes in the kitchen after I wash dishes and put things away, ha! But he’s been cool about it and says nothing, but I know it takes him a liiiiitle longer finding things. 😎

After my brother left for work, my mom and I sat in the kitchen for almost two hours chatting, drinking coffee, remembering things.  It was pretty great, and I laughed quite a bit, which I need a LOT of these days.  Joyful, cheerful moments.

Now, that I’ve shared about the joy of the start of this day, let me share about something that left me with a bitter taste in my mouth, anger in my heart end tears on my soul and face.  I’m thankful this time that my mom couldn’t see my tears, I didn’t want to worry her more, again. 

This morning I called our parish home to schedule the funeral Mass for my dad and my brother.  A VERY hard thing to do! I actually had to walk away from the kitchen where my mom was sitting because I didn’t know how I’d react... tears of course.  I gathered every ounce of strength I had in me and dialed the number, some things, situations in life are simply UNAVOIDABLE, we must face them wether we like them or NOT.  I called, a woman answered, a secretary, receptionist, administrator, I have no idea what her title is, but she is in “charge” of scheduling Funeral Masses, Mass intentions, and anything that has to do with the church.

Needless to say, it was the most unpleasant experience I’ve ever had while dealing with a church, and as a “church lady” myself, it really affected me and made me think a lot.

From the moment she answered the phone she was unpleasant, unwelcome, unfriendly, and anything “un” you can imagine.  Ok, RUDE, unkind and unprofessional are the words.  I immediately felt even more vulnerable that I was when I took the phone from the receiver to call. 

I won’t go into detail about all the things she said and how she said them because this journal page would become a blog page of it’s own, but from the moment she starting asking questions and telling me what I needed to bring and do in order to schedule the Mass, I felt like I was being attacked.  She not ONCE, said “I’m sorry for your loss...” when I called, I was almost expecting at least two “I’m sorry’s...” we’ve had two losses, two terrible losses, and very little time between both losses, not even a month away.  She asked for the dates, and the relationship, not even then, she said “I’m so sorry for your loss...” not even when our conversation started with “I need to schedule a Funeral Mass.”. The people at the DMV before leaving for Mexico, treated me better.  That tells you a lot, doesn’t it?! 

We all have off days, bad days, and we don’t know what others are going through when treated with unkindness, I always try to think of that, to give them some grace too, because I just don’t know.  This particular person, has treated my mom with unkindness and made her cry before.  She has treated my brother with unkindness before, and many other people.  WHY do we allow people that have little to no compassion and understanding work in places like a church or funeral homes, or places like that, when they’d be the first contact to deal with people in their most vulnerable stage of their lives?! LOSS.  Loss has taken on a whole new meaning for me, and a whole new way of looking at life and now, even more, especially my job... as a church lady and Funeral Home employee.

Compassion should come way before someone knows how to answer the phone.  The person on the other side of the line, behind the front desk, greeting, etc... should be WRAPPED in compassion, in understanding, in love, In helpfulness.  When someone is going through a difficult time in their lives, the way they are treated can have a huge impact in their lives, HUGE, it can even change their relationship with the church, with their faith. 

This morning I woke up not prepared to cry. I woke up not prepared to be hurt.  I woke up not prepared to be disappointed.  I cried.  I was hurt.  I was disappointed.

This incident has absolutely nothing to do with this church in particular, we LOVE and adore this Church and we have a very special place in our hearts for this place of worship. These things can happen (and happen) in any church.  This incident had everything to do with one person, one human being incapable of treating grievers with compassion.  Like I said, this is not one isolated incident.  

I wasn’t able to schedule the Funeral Mass, she threw way too many obstacles on my way, she even said something unkind in the middle of our conversation.  My brother will finish the process of doing this.  We will have the Funeral Mass and I’m sure it will be a wonderful celebration filled with love and faith.  She will not determined my relationship with this church and my faith especially, EVER, but before I go back to Chicago, I will definitely have q conversation with her, or someone about it.  A kind and constructive conversation about it.  WHY? Because I don’t know want other grievers to suffer the same way I did, the same way my mom did, the same way my brother has.

May we be always good stewards of our faith, of our mission in life and especially, of the ministries we have been entrusted with.  

I feel better right now.  My mom doesn’t know I cried about it, I went to my bedroom and closed the door to cry in the solitude of the room.  I shared with my brother and told him, how she made me feel and how much I cried about it, of course he understood and made me feel better with his loving support.  My mom and I DID talk about it, that’s when she shared about her experiences.  My heart has been doing so much healing lately, working on healing actually, adding this to the list it’s not something I anticipated.  I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m becoming better because of all of these experiences.

Kindness always!!! 💛

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou

Wednesday, April 28, 2021

Today was quite an eventful day, productive, soul wrenching, soul searching and joy filled!!!

I had a hospital worthy migraine today, I haven’t had one of those in a long time, but thankfully I managed to make it through the day with prescription meds and some relaxation techniques, I think it’s stress related, my body is just adjusting to being home and facing it all.  It hasn’t even been a week since I arrived, and my body is starting to liberate that stress. 

I accompanied my mom to take care of some paperwork she needed to take of and it was difficult for me to realize and fully experience her visual disability.  Signing papers with her meant, taking her hand, putting the pen in her hand, guiding her hand EXACTLY to the line where she had to sign, and directing her movements... go straight, not up, not too tight, a little more loose so it looks like your signature in the ID card.  All that after explaining to her what every document was and with a witness affidavit.  This was a “simple” thing that needed attention, but nothing is simple when someone has a disability, there is still SO much to do at public offices and businesses to facilite things to people with disabilities, especially, visual disabilities.

After our errand, we stopped at my favorite breakfast taco place to pick up food to go so my brother could go back to work.  My mom and I ate our delicious food, talked and loved our breakfast time together.  A moment of pure bliss. 

Today I was able to visit with my cousin and his family, whose son is my Godson and I loved our time together in every way.  Moments like today’s remind me of how incredible blessed I am to have people like them in my life.  Delicious food, good times, serious conversations and lots of laughter filled my heart with joy. 

When I got home I visited with my mom for a little in the kitchen. We had coffee and some sweets together and talked to my brother a little too.  I helped my mom with some medicine she needed to take and also with applying new face lotions I brought her that she loved.  These moments might seem very ordinary, but to me, they are far from that!  Every “simple” moment, it’s an ordinary moment. I’m understanding the meaning of that in a much bigger way these days. 

Ah... my daughters got their second Covid vaccine yesterday and they had a lot of side effects, but they seemed to be doing better towards the end of the day tonight.  Thankful for the opportunity to be fully vaccinated, all of us at home! 

It’s 10:15 pm and I’m exhausted from a full and quite intense kind of day.  Tomorrow is another day. ❤️

Tuesday, April 27, 2021

I’m sitting in the back patio of my mom’s house and I actually have a light cardigan on.  It’s in the high 60’s this morning but the sun is coming out brighter than ever.  I’m enjoying this time of stillness and quiet by myself, as the air blows my hair and I sit alone with my coffee and my book.

Yesterday was quite an emotional day for me, I felt many emotions coming from many directions. I never thought that the human body could be capable of feeling SO much at the same time, it can and somehow, our bodies, our minds, our hearts and our souls manage to keep going and to keep one foot in front of the other.

Life as I knew it will never be the same, impossible! But, I’m working on not only accepting my new life, but also on understanding and finding meaning in the midsts of it. 

Life moves on pretty quickly for the rest of the world, for the rest of the people we know even, but I won’t rush my grief and my feelings.  As the wise David Kessler once said “we hurt at the level we loved.” Wiser words about grief have never been spoken!!! We hurt, because we loved! And loved I did, and will continue to do, even if the rest of the world moves on, and the memories start to fade.  I am determined to keep the memories of my loved one alive and present in my life.

I was telling someone dear to me last night that this experience has completely, 100% changed the way I relate to life and to people.  The things that bothered me before, don’t bother me anymore and I am also not impressed by much.  Life is a lot simpler than we think, should be simple and most importantly, so brief and so unpredictable.  I’m on a quest for joy, the joy that is felt from the soul. I’m on a quest for truth and meaning and genuinity, that to me is freedom and joy. 

I have a few more things to cross off in my to do list at my mom’s house.  It feels good to be able to do these things, even if the organizing and cleaning end such, might tug at my heart.  It has to be done, and it feels good once it’s done.  It’s like the soap and water and organizing is also cleansing ME and organizing my emotions.  It’s cathartic. 

My mom’s back patio are inundated with all kinds of birds every morning, there is a dove roaming around me as we speak looking for food. Their water bowl has been filled, but we haven’t given them food yet.  My brother used to send me videos of the birds eating and playing in the back patio, now, I’m seeing them with my own eyes, except he isn’t here, or perhaps, he is. 💙

Monday, April 26, 2021

Today was a good day.  I did more cleaning and organizing at my mom’s house and it’s been really great doing these things for her and with her.

My mom’s visual abilities are very, very limited, so it’s been more of “feel this, do you want this, do you need it, where do you want it”, kind of working together on this reorganizing of the house.  It’s very challenging for me to see her visual disability so advanced, but she is an admirable human being, so strong and so faithful, she really is amazing!

Today I also did a lot of thinking about our new family dynamic, our new journey on this new chapter and I also did some crying and some strategizing.  I have to strategize if I want to keep going with the same zest and enthusiasm for life.  I have to find meaning, and a way of honoring my deceased loved ones to keep their memories alive.  I want them present in our lives.  We all have different ways of coping, different ways of moving on, but I have to honor MY way of accepting this new reality and a way to find meaning in the loss.  One day at a time. 

I pray for guidance, I pray for strength, and I pray for acceptance.  I’m hopeful that it all will come together eventually, sooner than later. 

Below, it’s one of my favorite quotes from the movie “Nomandland”.  If you haven’t seen it, I recommend it.  It’s a slow paced production, but wrapped in SO much depth and meaning.

“What’s remembered, lives.” Fern, Nomandland

Sunday, April 25, 2021

I went to bed at 2 am this morning chatting with my mom and then I couldn’t fall asleep.  I woke up around 10 am thankfully and felt rested, a LOT better than I’ve felt since Friday.

Friday and Saturday were the worst days for me after arriving here.  I hated being here but I knew there was no other way around it.  Everywhere I look, everything I look at, reminds me of my dad and my brother.  I keep waiting for them to turn the corner from one of the rooms... it won’t happen, I have to get used to that. 

Today, I had a little more energy and I decided to be productive and help my mom with some cleaning and organizing in the house.  My mom’s visual disability limits her a lot, and there were a lot of things that needed attention, I was thankful to be able to that.  I worked nonstop for 5 hours and there is still a lot work waiting for me tomorrow and the day after and the day after and the day after, probably until I head back to Chicago, but I’m thankful for that, I want to stay busy. 

My mom talks about my dad and my brother nonstop, more about my brother than my dad, and in all honesty, I don’t like talking that much about them while I’m here, it’s too painful, I want to avoid it all, but I think talking about them and what they did in their living years, it’s necessary.  Of course, I don’t stop my mom or tell her I a want to avoid the subject, I don’t want to disrespect their memory either, I very much want them to keep them alive in my heart, but it’s just too painful right now.  Being here however, has definitely made it all more real, and of course it is more real, I have to walk past their cremated remains every time I go from my bedroom to the kitchen, but I just glance over, I haven’t really stopped by the table to pay my respects and talk to them and pray or anything like that. I’ll do it eventually.  I need to be patient with myself. 

Uh, I remember I used to think that somehow my parents would both live to be 100 and my brothers and I would enjoy their elderly years celebrating many, many milestones.  Little did I know... 

I guess I’ll go back to the kitchen and figure out dinner somehow.  It’s a beautiful, sunny day today.  It’s been in the low 90’s all day but it actually feels wonderful, not too hot yet.

Happy Sunday everyone! ☀️

Saturday, April 25, 2021

Yesterday I arrived in my hometown and I really don’t think I can share or put into words all the feelings I felt as I walked in and faced the unavoidable.  

Writing liberates me, but honestly, I don’t think I’ll be able to write about all these emotions until I go back to Chicago.  One thing is for sure, seeing my mom and my brother Will, was amazing and I’m very grateful to be able to spend time with them.  A new chapter, a new way of doing life, a new everything it seems. 

I’ve felt very depleted of energy lately, lethargic and tired and exhausted in every way.  This afternoon for the first time since I arrived here yesterday, I perked up a little and I was able to “enjoy” life here a little bit.

There are many things I want to do (I have to do) at my mom’s house, and I’m praying that I wake up feeling up for it tomorrow. 

Grief sucks, life getting out of balance unexpectedly sucks, all of it, SUCKS, and yes, I hate it all, most of it anyways. Learning to embrace life in a different way is a lot more challenging than I ever expected it to be.

I was so disconnected from my usual routine that I didn’t even have a chance to write my daily journal page earlier in the day and this is something I really enjoy doing.

I guess I’ll go to sleep now. It’s almost 1:30 am and I’m tired and tomorrow, well, tomorrow is another day to be embraced, to be lived and to love. 

Friday, April 23, 2021

Yesterday was a really great day. My friend and I spent the entire day exploring new places (for me), walking around, talking, laughing and being silly. 

My entire visit to Arizona this time around I have been in complete awe of nature, more than ever before.  I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I feel so much more connected to life these days. 

During our day of exploring we visited a mine in Bisbee, Arizona, a mine that stoped operating and ceased production in 1975 and now it’s strictly a tourist attraction. Well, my girlfriend and I took the tour, she has done it before, it was my first time there.  I’m usually not afraid of enclosed places, not claustrophobic, but recently, after losing my dad and brother recently I’ve experienced some anxiety, something completely new to me, and today was one of those days.  I was doing completely fine, until we arrived at a part of the mining tour where you had to get off the train/mine car and walk up to a steep shaft that had a few very dark and deep enclosures, and all of a sudden I felt like the world was closing up on me and the moment I thought there was NO way out until THEY could get me out, I pretty much lost it! I mean, I didn’t “loose” it, loose it, but I excused myself from the group and told my friend I had to walk back to where the train was and wait patiently for them to finish that part of the tour.

The train was still in a very dark and closed up place, and I had to breath in and out, inhale and exhale and smooth myself back to “normalcy”.  Thankfully, one of the tour guides had stayed down there keeping vigilance and when he saw me walking down from the shaft and asked if I was ok, and I told him I was experiencing some anxiety, he offered his hand (literally), walked me down, and talked to me the entire time, telling me all kinds of stories and reassuring me that everything would be ok.

Mike was his tour guide’s name, he relocated to the Arizona area from Michigan a few years ago and loves it here! Mike also has the most soothing and calming voice, and immediately put me back at ease.

Anxiety is an AWFUL thing, it’s the brain betraying you, and playing “tricks” on you.  This panic attack for me felt like I couldn’t breath, I could hardly catch my breath, my heart was racing and my entire body tingled.  The most crazy thing!!!

After that stop at the shaft, we had yet ANOTHER stop and I worked really hard on making it through and praying it’d be ok.  I was able to take part in the beginning of this tour explanation or demonstration of the mine, but I didn’t want to take my chances “going in”, again and risking yet another panic attack when I was just starting to calm myself down. 

I did the right thing for ME, and listened to my body and did what I had to do.  

I made it, I survived, I experienced, I did love it, and I’m glad I did it!  Would I do it again?! Most likely yes, because now I know what to expect.  What I don’t like is the unknown. 

The rest of the day was amazing, and so much fun! We also visited Our Lady of the Sierras Shrine in a mountain top literally, and actively the decline, going down was even harder on the body because it was SO steep, it was unreal, but it was worth everything!  We even went inside the chapel to say a prayer and write our own, personal intentions.  A day of many blessings. 

Early this evening, I’ll arrive in my hometown.  A very, very bittersweet reunion, but one that has to be done and preceded, lived and experienced. 

I’m ready to hug my mom and my brother Will! ❤️❤️

Thursday, April 22, 2021

Let’s celebrate Earth day, Mother Nature speaking to us every day in the way we treat it and we relate to it! 

I’m sitting outside, in the patio of my childhood girlfriend’s house in sunny Arizona while visiting her family on my way to Mexico to see my mom, brother and family.  It’s 70 degrees and sunny and it feels divine! I can’t hear anything by a lot of birds chirping and the air moving, I’m sipping my coffee, feeling very, very relaxed and everything is right with the world in this day and time.  I’ll take it! ❤️

Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit with another family friend in Arizona and I felt so grateful and blessed to have been able to see her and visit with her.  I’ve always admired her soul and her way of loving those around her.  I cried a few times involuntarily and she welcomed my tears and listened, I needed that.  I feel like my would is healing as I make my way to Mexico to see my family.

After my visit with our friend Eileen, my friend Alba picked me up and we stopped at an AMAZINGLY delicious donut shop to pick up some donuts for her kids who are all under the age of 12 because who shows up at a house with kinds empty handed, not me, that’s for sure!!! 😍🍩

I have SO loved the little time I’ve spent with her kids so far, they are so full of energy and enthusiasm and they are so inquisitive I almost forgot what that feels like when your children are little, I haven’t experienced that feeling in years it feels, and I love it!  It has been so great visiting with my girlfriend’s family, her husband and kids, I love them as my own and I’m beyond grateful for their lives in mine. 

Today, we are exploring the town of Bisbee and Tombstone, Arizona and I can hardly wait! I’ve never been there but they both sound magical in their own way.  I love visiting new towns and learning about what they are all about.

This morning is a very laid back morning with no real agenda or timeline, other than the fact we know we want to visit those places.  I like that, I desperately need some peace and rest and no rushing around for a while. 

Looking forward to celebrating Earth Day with my bestie in a beautiful and sunny Arizona! 💛🌍💛

Wednesday, April 21, 2021

Yesterday was another amazing day with Stan the man in a beautiful place surrounding nature and the most beautiful landscape.  By the time we arrived at the hotel in Scottsdale for our overnight stay before heading to the Tucson area (inching away to my hometown!) I was so exhausted I couldn’t think of anything else but rest.  I had to do a little bit of remote work, but thankfully I had no issues connecting and I was able to do the work I needed to do fairly quickly. 

Yesterday, we stated our day by waking up at 5 am to walk the trials of Bell Rock Mountain in Sedona to watch the sunrise, what am INCREDIBLE experience!!! I wanted to stay there another week at least, the most peaceful, serene, recharging environment I’ve ever experienced!!!

Since it was a weekday and so early in the morning, the hiking trail was quite empty, which was great.  Just a few locals going on their daily hikes and also a photographer taking pictures of a lady with the sunrise. At the very peek of the mountain we could see a man that had made it’s way up there before the sunrise, when the sun came out completely, he let out a huge, happy “YES!!!” scream! I wanted to do the same thing, it was just so majestic!  Instead, just before the sunrise, I found myself standing all by myself on top of a rock I had climbed, overlooking at the wonder of that incredible landscape and all of a sudden an overwhelming feeling of despair if you may, came over me, and I welcomed it. I cried (a lot), I looked up into the sky and asked “why???” I asked “are you there?!” I didn’t get an answer to neither of my questions, but at the same time... I did. I did get some answers, my heart felt them, I could feel some peace, and some letting go, the only peace that nature and quiet and solitude can give you.  I’ve had too many distractions since my dad and my brother died, distractions that have kept me going and have helped me not to feel consumed by grief, but also, my soul desperately needed this time.  I needed time alone in those mountains, I needed to feel that peace and feel a little closer to them, to God, to my own understanding of how life works, or at least to start the process of accepting, and finding meaning in the loss. 

Grief sucks!!! Grief, completely SUCKS, but grief is also teaching me a whole bunch of lessons that I never thought I’d learn.  Life will never be the same for me, and I don’t mean it in a pessimistic way, but rather in a way more meaningful way.  Petty things and situations and life annoyances have evolved for me, and I can say with full confidence that in that respect, I’ve already grown a great deal.  I’m finding MY own meaning of life, in my quest to finding meaning in the loss of my dear ones. 

After this magical stop at Bell Rock Mountain to watch the sunrise, we went to our new favorite breakfast restaurant in Arizona, “Wildflower Bread Company”, and ordered a little bit of a bunch of things to share so we could both get a good taste of their menu goodness.  We had my FAVORITE menu item there, beet humus on the most delicious fresh nut bread topped with arugula, sweet pickled onions and feta cheese, oh my goodness it’s so amazingly delicious!!! We also had an avocado toast with two over easy eggs on the side for Stasiu, and a cream cheese and salmon toast, topped with lemon slices and chives, YUM!!! And because the mountains inspired us, we went ahead and ordered a chocolate and custard croissant fresh out of the oven, ok, I’ll leave the taste of that to your imagination, but take a guess of how good it was based on these emojis 😍🤩🥳😂 Amazing!!! Ok, enough about food, although you know me, I could talk about food all day long! 🥰

After leaving beautiful, breathtaking Sedona, we headed South to Prescott, Arizona to check out the town which is known as “everybody’s town!” and everybody’s town it is, there were people from all over. They have a full street, blocks and blocks and blocks of them dedicated to bars, that whole area is called “Whiskey Raw”.  To be honest I wasn’t too impressed with downtown Prescott, but the pistachio ice cream and our walk there was nice! 😉

However, Stan had looked up a lake area in Prescott to have a picnic, and by picnic I mean, In-N- Out Burgers and drinks in a to go bag 🤣, and after we picked up our lunch, we went to this super lovely lake called “Linx Lake”, to eat and relax and walk around and it’s an incredibly, beautiful place surrounded by thousands of pine trees, a large lake and wonderful trails, which we made us a little eerie at some point of mountain lions and other wildlife.  Stan says at one point “that’s why you need to come to these places with maze, a whistle and a stick, I bought all of that!” I said “you did???” Then he says, wait for it... “yes, I ordered one (maze) before our trip, but forgot it at home!” Well, there you go, apparently, we are not the adventurous, most prepared people, haha! Thankfully, Stan found a big, nice hiking stick and off we went... it was an amazing walk and exploring of this lake.  Another place I’d gladly go back to and spend a full day there. Nature is no doubt, God’s language, simply amazing. 

After our visit to Linx Lake we started our way into the Valley, for our overnight stay in Scottsdale and a little rest before driving into Tucson for another overnight stop, just me this time.  When we arrived in the Phoenix area, friends from Chicago that relocated to Arizona a couple of years ago reached out asking if we could see each other.  Stan and I immediately agreed and welcomed the opportunity to visit with them and catch up.  It was so good to see them, and find out how they are doing and how they like this sunshiny state.  The food was also great, but mainly we felt very thankful for our time together. Sometime, last minute plans are the best of plans! 💛

After a our dinner with friends, both Stan and I were literally exhausted from a full day of nonstop adventure and fell asleep quite quickly, well, him first because I still had some work to do, but it was one of the best sleep nights I’ve had in a while.  The mattress was dreamy too, I could’ve slept for another two hours this morning. 😁

Now, we are on the way to Tucson, we picked up breakfast at Chick-fil-A, a breakfast burrito for Stan and just coffee for me (Shockingly I wasn’t hungry this morning!) and should be there in an hour or so. 

The freeway is SO windy and dusty, but the landscape makes it all worth it! 🌵☀️🌬

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Today was a great day, also a day with many emotions.  I had full intentions of journaling most of our day, but it’s past 11 pm and I am really, really tired, so I’ll leave the chatting and sharing for tomorrow. 

It’s getting closer and closer to the day I get to see my mom and my brother, Will and that makes me very happy. ❤️

Monday, April 19, 2021

“I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.” ~Rumi

Today was a very special day, in so many ways. 

Stan and I celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary and we made the best of today’s gift of life.

Life has thrown quite a few curveballs lately, but today was one of those days when I truly felt the presence of God in our lives, the blessings that surround us and embrace us and HOPE, something I have felt depleted of recently.  Today, my heart smiled, my soul rejoiced and in a mysterious and sacred way, I understood life’s purpose.

Alright, alright, that was my philosophical and sentimental sharing of the day, which I do feel quite sentimental tonight, but I’m also still smiling very big from the amazing day we had!

Stan and I got up bright and early this morning to get ready for church, it was very important for both of us to go to church today to give thanks for our 25 years of marriage and life together and huge blessing, the Priest presiding at church today, even gave us a special blessing at the end of Mass and asked us questions and gave us advice and sent us off with a beautiful blessing and prayer.  We were so thrilled with the start of our day. 

After Mass, we went out for breakfast to a cute little cafe in the heart of Sedona, and we sat outside, it was a beautiful sunny day.  Our food was so delicious and we really enjoyed our time together there.

Later on we made our way to Chapel of the Holy Cross located in one of the Sedona buttes and oh my goodness, I haven’t seen more beautiful colors, skies, mountains and natural beauty, truly Sedona is God’s country!!! The Chapel of the Holy Cross is simply breathtaking, we could’ve stayed there all day, what a gift to the world that place is. 

And because you really can’t have enough with one or two beautiful sites, we decided to visit another beautiful place, Amitabha Stupa and Peace park, a mountain and trail dedicated to prayer and peace.  A special place for meditation, prayer and healing, you really can feel positive vibes there.  I even tried on a yoga pose in one of their meditation gardens and let’s just say, I’m stiffer than I thought! I’ve got some work to do! 😂

After our visit to this park of peace, we were hungry (again!) and went looking for a restaurant where to have our anniversary dinner.  We ended up in a simple, but cute and delicious restaurant with a pretty view and really loved our food, and after dinner we headed to Bell Rock Mountain to watch the sunset, just an amazing place!!! 

We are now relaxing and ready to take on the day tomorrow.  More exploring, but a more laid back kind of day. 

Beyond grateful for the opportunity to share my life with a human being like Stan and for our moments together. 💞

Sunday, April 18, 2021

It’s another beautiful day in Zamunda!!! I mean, Sedona!!! 😍

Oh... my... goodness... I’m sure God and the angels live among these mountains, it’s just so beyond gorgeous and amazing and breathtaking and such a soul lifter, it’s incredible! 

I’m sitting outside drinking my first cup of coffee of the day and admiring Bell Rock Mountain which is right in front of me, and it’s simply a beauty.  It’s a chilly morning in Sedona low to mid 50’s, but the sun is shining in ALL it’s glory and it feels amazing!  I think I want to change my mailing address. 😁

Stan and I are going to a local Catholic Church for their 10 am Mass and then I think we might grab a light breakfast (I always say that and then end up with the works, stay tuned, lol).  We want to do some more exploring and walking today, we don’t really have a plan for this stay and we aren’t booking any tours or guided stuff like that, we are going with the flow and going where the heart calls, and where our feet and stomach takes us.  

After we do a little exploring, we are trying a cute restaurant by the mountains that is supposed to have really delicious food, so we will see. It looks adorable, now we have to see if the food matches the looks! 😉

Feeling grateful, blessed and quite happy... making every minute of life given count!  Prayers for a lovely, joy filled and KIND day! 💛

Saturday, April 17, 2021

Where do I start???  Today has been amazing in so many ways, but especially because Stan is by my side.  Yes, cheesy but true.  Sometimes I wonder I got this lucky, to have him as a life partner, and then I simply thank God and life for putting him on my path.

Stan and I started the day with breakfast in Flagstaff at a super cute AND delicious cafe called Wildflower Bread Company, everything was simply amazing and the employees were so nice and friendly and helpful.  The place was full of Bella’s! Cheery, friendly, easy going happy people! ❤️

After breakfast we made a quick stop at Walgreens because it can’t be a trip for the Borla’s without stopping at some pharmacy, haha! Thankfully, it was just some vitamins we forgot and water bottles and I love Walgreens as much as I love Target, really my only “favorite” places to shop, if you can call it that.  Ok, I’ll take that back, I think my favorite place is Trader Joe’s! 🥰

 Before we got settled in the hotel in Sedona, we did some exploring, lots of walking and then we had lunch at a restaurant in downtown Sedona called “Cowboy Club”.  We sat outside and the views were just unbelievable!!! We had appetizers, we were still full from breakfast a few hours earlier.  We tried rattlesnake sausage which was AMAZING, cactus fries, SO yum, and shrimp ceviche, yum again!  We shared a delicious and sweet raspberry cactus spritzer and well, I’m still dreaming about all of it and I want to go back, end of story. 😍

After lunch we did more walking, exploring and then we headed to the hotel to check in.  I have to say, I felt pretty pooped by the time we checked in, Stan was a little tired too. After we checked in and settled in we walked to a nearby local favorite pizza place called “Pago’s Pizzeria”, everyone raved about it and they were right, the pizza was delicious.  They are only doing carry out right now due to covid, but that was ok with us. We ate it in the hotel room and then we did facial. Well, I did and then I gave Stan a facial to which he said when I finished “are you sure I won’t wake up with pimples in my face?” 😂

We were eating dinner and all of a sudden an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me. Sadness for the loss of my brother, I couldn’t contain my tears, Stan comforted me, he said all the right words, he listened to me, he let me cry, he was present to me.  Maybe I’ll never get “used” to his sudden passing.  Maybe it will take me longer than most people?! What does that even mean???  I think what it means is, I need to let myself cry when I have to, I need to let myself crave his presence and I need to continue to keep his spirit, fierceness for living and zest for all things art alive in every way I can.  I never imagined that grief could be this hard, this overwhelming, this life defining.  It is. It’s hard. And it’s also so unique for each person.

Today, as I looked outside the hotel deck into the incredible vastness of the gorgeous Sedona mountains, I gave thanks for the gift of life.  I am determined to live my life the best way I can, focusing on the things that matter and to eliminate the things that don’t serve me well.  Life has taken on a whole new meaning for me, and since I was put on this path involuntarily, I will make sure to make the best of all these lessons and opportunities. 

Thankful for today. ☀️

Friday, April 16, 2021

I had a great night sleep, my bed on Amtrak was so comfy and the pillows, well, if they sold them I’d buy one. 😃

Mainly, I think I’m just enjoying my quiet, alone time, time alone that I so desperately needed, away from the hassle and bustle and the demands of life in general.

I woke up somewhere in Kansas this morning, near Garden City which according to our Conductor is a great place for Eagle watching, although I didn’t see any, I guess I didn’t wake up early enough. 😉

I have been absolutely amazed at the beautiful landscape of nature.  Wide open spaces that speak or peace and serenity, oh how much I needed that.  I’m looking out the window right now and all I see is huge fields, lots of trees, vegetation, a water creek and we just passed some cows and sheep grazing.  I almost want to hop off and stay somewhere near this area for a long while. I almost forgot how much I love rural lifestyle. 

I decided to go to the dining car this morning to have breakfast.  I was still so full from last night’s dinner that I decided to have something on the lighter side, no big veggie omelettes with potatoes on the side for me, which seemed to be the breakfast item of choice for most passengers.  I had coffee of course, a bowl of Raisin Bran (my favorite cereal of all times!) and a cup of yogurt, simple.  By the time I got back to my room, my made was turned into two recliners so I enjoy the remaining portion of the trip. To be honest, I’m sad I’ll be arriving at my destination in a few hours, I wish I had another night on the train.  I’m already thinking about when I should/can book another trip.

I just found out that Amtrak does not have WiFi on the train anymore because they used to get a lot of interruptions while going through valleys and tunnels and they decided to stop that service. Boo to that, but on the other hand that means I’m forced not to turn on my laptop and work! 🥰 I’m able to do some things on my phone using data and the rest can wait... isn’t that amazing how life works? The universe (in this case Amtrak), telling me, “slow down, quiet yourself... don’t worry.” 

Also, I’ve seen SO many cows grazing near the train tracks, VERY far from any farm house I can see, and I keep wondering, is there a cow-bus or trailer that will show up sometime during the day to take them back, I’m a little worried to be honest. 😬 But... they seem quite happy!!! 🐄 

A joyful and kind Friday to you all! 💛

Thursday, April 15, 2021

“From joy I came, for joy I live, and in Thy sacred joy, I shall melt again.” Yogananda

I don’t remember feeling this level of joy in a long time.  Since January 6th, 99 days to be exact.  Today, I’ve been feeling a lot of joy, especially right now, I feel very joyful and I feel as if part of my soul is starting to restore. 

We started the day celebrating Stan the man, it’s his birthday today and since I had to be at Union Station for my trip late this morning, we decided to go out to breakfast instead of the traditional big homemade breakfast we always make at home when someone is celebrating a birthday.  It was perfect!  We went to Egg Harbor and talked and talked and talked, it was our first dining outing as a family since the pandemic started over a year ago. 

After breakfast we went back home to do a few last minutes things for my trip and then Stan and I headed out downtown. I cannot even express how happy Union Station makes me, especially Amtrak! Heart eyes all the way! 

While I was waiting in the Metropolitan lounge for my train, I met a very lovely couple from Tennessee, probably in their mid 60’s.  We talked for a while and while his wife went to the bathroom we struck a conversation about health and the pandemic and all the challenges people have gone through in the past year, then he paused and said “I was diagnosed with brain cancer last year and late Summer I had major brain surgery. I have a follow up this coming July... I’m hoping everything will be ok.” Nicest guy, we couldn’t talked for hours.  His wife later said, just recently they decided to take this long train trip and visit the Grand Canyon.  Even though out conversation could be perceived as somber, it was actually the very contrary. It made us all reflect on the gift of life.  When they announced that we’d be boarding soon, this couple had requested a service to take them by cart to their train car and when the attendant showed up the lady said to him “it’s us and this lady too...” when he said they could only accommodate two, she said “we’d walk too, we’d be sitting long enough, we’ll walk.” Her gesture made me smile! ❤️ Friends can be literally made anywhere and gentle, loving people could be sitting next to us in a public place if only we give them a chance.  My prayer is that they love The Grand Canyon, and who wouldn’t, that they find peace and renewal there and that the gentleman received excellent news on his next appointment. Help me pray for him.  His name is Mike.

Michelle just sent me pictures of their celebrations for Stan at home.  We always LOVE celebrating birthdays for each other and it’s always a full day event, from sunrise to dusk.  I love that they have done all the things, all of our birthday rituals for him, and I particularly love the fact that my girls have adopted all of those rituals and traditions I initiated since they’ve been little. Big love here!!! 

We just past the Mississippi River and the sun is starting to set.  I’m looking out the window feeling the most relaxed I’ve felt in a LONG time!!! I’m waiting for my attendant to bring me dinner, I decided to go with Chicken Marsala with cavatappi pasta, broccoli and carrots in a Marsala wine sauce.  A side salad and for dessert, a brownie, yum!!! He asked me if I wanted to dine in the dining car or have room service tonight and I decided to stay “in”, I’m too relaxed and I want to soak in this moment of joy. 

An hour after dinner, they’ll come to turn my bed for the night so I can relax even more, ahhhh so amazing! I am completely loving this.  My pillows are delicious too, and I’m pretty confident I’ll have the best sleep tonight I’ve had in months and I need it.

I’m wearing the two bracelets my friend gave me in memory of my dad and brother with a message imprinted on the inside and also a blessing blessing that I received from another friend. On my lap, I have the prayer blanket my cousin and her family sent me when my brother died and the views, the three bracelets wrapping my wrist and the blanket are comforting me and making me feel at peace.

I haven’t cried once since I boarded the train, only once over breakfast when I mentioned something about my brother to Stan and the girls, and my soul feels more at peace today.  Maybe this is just what I needed to start healing. 

I’m off now to continue to enjoy this ride, the views, the food, my comfy private room, and soon my bed with some movie I’ll find on Netflix.  

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

It’s almost midnight and I’m sitting in the solitude of the kitchen.  My family has gone to sleep already and I hear nothing but the sound of the refrigerator running.  It’s very quiet, I can almost hear my heart beating.

Today was “one of those days”... you know, the kind of day when nothing makes sense and the world seems to be against you for some reason. Ok, that might sound dramatic, but today was not a great day for me, although some good things DID happen and for that I am very thankful, those things saved the day and helped me stay sane.

By the time I came home from work tonight I felt physically, emotionally and spiritually spent.  Not a good combination, is it? I did a LOT of running around today to get ready for my trip, and in between I experienced some chaos and conflict and just yucky stuff.  Today was the kind of day where all the things that happened to me, if they were to happen, they should’ve been spread out so I could tolerate them better.  Well, life doesn’t work that way, and as I’ve learned lately even more, we don’t always get what we want.  I cried a few times today.  Some of those tears were quiet and few, some other tears were plentiful and very painful.  My heart is dealing with quite a lot these days and sometimes I wonder how I’m managing, but I think I might know the answer. 

Happy to share that some of those tears were JOYFUL tears, tears of joy, tears of appreciation, tears of feeling loved.

I was in the office this afternoon and one of our parishioners stopped by exclusively to say goodbye and wish me a great trip, I was a sobbing mess of a person after that.  Another parishioner stopped by the office yesterday to give me a card for my mom and wish me a good trip as well.  I cried both times, especially today, because my emotions were raw, and as much as I tried, I couldn’t contain the tears.  So is life. 

Tonight, I walked into a friend while I was running errands and she said to me “so glad I see you today, I have something for you in the car, let me go grab it, I’ve had it there for a while.” How amazing that we happened to see each other TODAY, the day before I left for my trip and the gift and card is just what my heart needed today.  That was a God sighting for me! ❤️

I might not be fully packed yet, but I can already taste a glimpse of joy in the air. I’m ready.  I’m so ready for some time off, for some me time, and especially ready to see my mom and my brother, Will.  Bittersweet moments awaiting too, but I’m ready for it all.

May we always remember to be KIND to others as we don’t know what storms other people are going through when we interact with them.  Kindness.  Kindness makes the world a better place for everyone, and it really is simple to do. 💛 

Tuesday, April 13, 2021

One of the things I treasure more than anything is my alone time in the mornings.  Me, myself and my coffee.  

Life has been very, very busy and sort of extraordinary in a complicated kind of way for me in the last few years and my alone time at the start of the day is sacred, literally.  It’s my time to pray, even if I’m not reciting traditional prayers.  It’s my time to meditate, to think about whatever my heart is feeling, to think about nothing and just stare at something that represents nature, even on winter days.  Solitude and coffee, and journaling is the zen to the everyday chaos and busyness of life.  If I don’t have even a few minutes to myself in the mornings, I feel out of balance the rest of the day.

I’m sitting in a recreation center near my house, there is no one here, expect a group of landscapers who are working the land of this place in a peaceful and quiet way.  The birds are chirping nonstop (must be Spring!), the wind is calm and the air is just the perfect crisp of cool and my heart is HAPPY, content, joyful.  I could sit here for another hour. 

This morning I had to get up earlier than usual -insert many 😴🥱 emojis here- to drive Stan to work.  We are still looking for a car him, the Mini Cooper is history now.  The car ride allowed us to talk about things we usually don’t have time to talk about at home, and then on my way back, I decided to get a cup of coffee and sip it in the peace and quiet before heading to work.  I have a full day of work and things to check off my to do list and this quiet moment right now feels amazing. 

Maybe this is what retirement will feel like? 🤔 Lots of quiet mornings, coffee in hand, journaling, reading some, and then maybe some exploring and a project or two to keep the mind and body engaged and active. 😍

I guess I’ll start my work day shortly, but not before sitting here for another 20 minutes at least to refuel and take the beauty of this Spring day in! 

Be KIND, feel joy! 💛

Monday, April 12, 2021

It’s 11 pm and I’m just settling in for the night. It’s been a very long day, but it was a very productive day, AND I even visited with a good friend over a yummy lunch. 

My lunch today was with a friend I’ve known for over two decades, but it’s always been just a friendly exchange of hellos for us.  Life, similarities and grief brought us together at a deeper level and I can sincerely say that I think I just made a new best friend.  Our conversation was simply flowing and we had SO much to talk about that we could’ve talked for two more hours if it hadn’t been for the fact that the restaurant was closing and we were the last two customers“standing” there! 😂

As philosophical as it might sound, my soul connected with hers and I knew I could trust her with everything and anything I needed to share.  I walked out of the restaurant feeling a little lighter and a lot more grateful for the opportunity to create new bonds and for the start of a new friendship.

I love honesty, I love genuine encounters, I LOVE conversations when I can be myself 100% with no inhibitions or fear of being judged.  

My feet are tired but my soul is wide awake.  Grateful for a new friendship and thankful for the moments that life blessed me with today.

Just a few days away from a very well deserved vacation, and I can hardly wait. ❤️

Sunday, April 11, 2021

I went to bed last night thinking I was going to have a really relaxing day today and it ended up being one of the busiest weekend days I’ve had in a while.  Some work projects came up, and before I knew it, it was dinner time.

Stan and I met friends for dinner for the first time since the lockdown started and it felt really good to be out.  They’ve all had their two covid doses and that felt good too. It’s amazing how much we took for granted precovid times.

I talked to my mom for a little bit today and that’s always a nice treat.  We talked about her mom, my grandma and my mom’s siblings.  Today is my grandma’s 15th year death anniversary.  That year, in 2006, my mom lost her mom in April, her brother in May and another brother in August.  3 important and immediate family members in four months.  She said she remembers the sadness of all those losses that year, so terrible. It feels like yesterday, and at the same time like ages ago. 

I have a very busy day at work tomorrow and quiet a few projects to work on... SO looking forward to my trip to visit family and hopefully a few days of much needed relaxation. 💛

Saturday, April 10, 2021

This morning I woke up to a new birthday, this morning I welcomed my 49th birthday! 💛

This morning I also woke up feeling very nostalgic, more sad than nostalgic actually.  It all started last night, I sat in the living room for two hours by myself after everyone had gone to sleep, and just cried myself silly.  I will not apologize for my tears, they are healing me and I needed them.  I went to bed eventually and I welcomed the new day in a somber kind of state.  I’ve always loved celebrating birthdays but this one felt different.  I knew I wouldn’t be getting the annual birthday email from my brother wishing me all kinds of amazing things and telling me how much I meant to him.  I wouldn’t be getting texts from him throughout the day asking me how my day was going and what the girls and Stan were doing to celebrate me.  And I wouldn’t get the “sister, when I have money I’m going to get you a real nice gift!” He was the forever starving artist, with the BIGGEST heart who gave the little he had to those that needed it most.

I really struggled getting up this morning and starting the day.  I really struggled to feel excited about the celebrations the girls and Stan had planned, then I happened to open social media and I was faced with the harsh “news” that today was siblings day, I almost wished I hadn’t seen it, but I can’t escape reality and definitely can’t hide from the real world.  I’ve never been a fan of holidays for many reasons, today was one of those days.

My journal page has always had the intention of keeping things real, and this is me right now so I had to share.

I called my mom back this afternoon to catch her up on my day, she was curious as to what we had been doing to celebrate my day, and then she says “how are you? How are you doing? Are you ok?” She knows, she knows ME, she’s my mom.  She said “it’s not you, you happy self, I love you!” Well, you can just imagine it was like te Hoover Dam itself had the biggest leak ever recorded in the history of leaks. I was honest with her and I told her I was struggling, she comforted me, her words comforted me, but her love provided me the healing I so very much needed today. 

The girls and Stan were simply AMAZING today!!! They decorated the whole kitchen with birthday banners and signs, the girls made the most delicious veggie omelettes, bacon, and fruit and of course, plenty of coffee.  We ate, we talked and Stan prayed the most beautiful table blessing for my birthday.  After breakfast, I went to the living room to relax on the couch and catch up on my shows which I haven’t had much time to watch lately, and I ended up falling asleep, I wonder why?

They all cleaned the kitchen together and the girls got to work to make me a homemade cake that was delicious and SO beautiful!!!  Yesterday they asked me what I wanted for dinner and Chinese food somehow sounded good to me.  We ordered take out from a new local restaurant that did not disappoint, it was delicious! After dinner, we had cake and now we are getting ready to watch a movie.  I have nowhere to go tomorrow until the evening and I’m planning on sleeping in and catching up on some snoozes I’m behind, I hope I can make it happen.

Although this year’s birthday celebrations feel different, I am VERY, incredibly grateful for another year of life, for the amazing love of so many friends and family and for the gift of having the opportunity to continue this journey on this earth with even more awareness, more kindness and with hope and faith.

My fortune cookie read, “the current year will bring you much happiness.”  I’ll take it! 🥠

365 days ‘till the big 5️⃣0️⃣!!! Let the adventures and moments of joy of this current year begin... ❤️

Friday, April 9, 2021

Another rainy day in the Windy City! 

I went outside for a few minutes because I have to in the mornings no matter what the weather is like, and it was a little chillier than I anticipated, so I’m sitting in my favorite corner of the kitchen, sipping my coffee and eating one of my cousin’s AMAZING tortillas that she sent me a few days ago but I couldn’t eat until today because of Whole30, but it was worth the wait because they are simply delicious!!! 

Speaking of Whole30... yesterday I completed day 30 of the program and it never felt better!!! This round was TOUGH for me on so, so many levels.  Being the emotional eater that I am and having to deal with so many emotions lately, it meant, I didn’t have that emotional “escape” to food to quench and pacify all the things I’ve been feeling, instead, I did it with all whole foods and lots of veggies and fruits and a few almonds here and there.  It was definitely not a walk in the park, but it was worth every single hour spent cooking and shopping and prepping and telling myself “you can do this, Maria, you got this!!!” 🥳💪🏻

Today is my brother’s two month anniversary, how can that be?! Two months of waking up everyday knowing he is never coming back.  Two months of convincing myself that it is real, that he really IS gone, two months of excruciating pain in my heart and in my soul and in my physical body feeling all the feelings.  I’m making progress I promise, but the journey is as long and complex as the Grand Canyon, with many ins and outs, many valleys, many uphills and downhills, MANY colors and in all that, beauty as well.  The beauty of learning that life is deeper and so much more meaningful than I ever understood before, the beauty of learning about my own life and the life of those around me, the beauty of appreciating the things that matter and not let the other things bother me.  Big lessons I really wasn’t prepared to learn, I was ok in my oblivious world of “going with the flow”.  As much as I hate this process and this experience (yes, I do hate it!), I am also learning to welcome all the lessons that is teaching me and learning to grow from them.  Miss you brother! 💙

Interesting thing is, today is my brother’s two month anniversary, but I actually woke up thinking about my dad and missing him a lot! I think that it’s due to the fact that I’ll be visiting my hometown soon and I always looked forward to seeing him brew coffee and drinking his coffee, he was the best at it, a coffee connoisseur for sure!!! Like father, like daughter, he’s the one that taught me all about coffee, and to love it the way I do.  Coffee for me is more than the taste and the temperature and the mug, it’s about memories, it’s about remembering, it’s about LOVE. 

I’m off to work soon, but first I’m stopping at church to attend Mass.  A dear friend of mine ordered Masses for him every month on his anniversary, and I’m finding out that attending those Masses and hearing his name (as hard as it is) it also brings me comfort to know that an entire community of faith is also praying for him and remembering him. 

I have a very busy day ahead, keeping a doctor’s appointment for Bella, meeting a friend for lunch and working on many, many projects at work, but I’m ready to tackle the day with the best and most joyful disposition I can offer right now. 🥰

Have a lovely and KIND day! 💛

Thursday, April 8, 2021

It’s 60 degrees and raining and I’m joyfully sitting on the porch taking it all in and thinking of my dad.  My dad LOVED days like this one, cool, rainy and cloudy days were his favorite.  

We used to have metal rocking chairs when I was growing up and it was my dad’s favorite past time to sit on the porch to observe and enjoy a good thunderstorm.  My mom would get furious and nervous and would yell from the kitchen, “come inside the house you crazy man, you’ll get struck by lightning!” And my dad would yell back, “so be it, I’ll die happy then!” 

And so my dad would sit on the porch rocking back and forth, sipping his coffee and taking it all in, while my mom paced back and forth in the kitchen mumbling under her breath about how crazy he was! Good times!!! 😂

Yesterday I was filming something for work outside since it was such a beautiful day and while the video was rolling, I found a corner of the courtyard to simply enjoy nature, the beauty of the trees and flowers blooming and the birds chirping.  I looked up to focus on the clouds, I love looking at the sky, I’ve always had, and the sky was particularly blue and beautiful yesterday.  As I kept my eyes on the sky, I couldn’t help it but to think about my dad and my brother and wondered if they were somewhere there, in that infinite blue sky, looking down on us and watching over us.  All of a sudden, out of nowhere, two beautiful cardinals landed on a tree branch that was right next to where I was standing.  They sat there for a minute or so, and then flew away together into that pretty blue sky.  And that moment alone, gave me the peace I needed yesterday.  The phrase “one day at a time...” has never had more weight and value as it does now. 

Yesterday, my mom got her first dose of the Covid vaccine and watching her get the shot was very meaningful and emotional for me. My family has suffered the devastating effects of this awful and deadly virus, and this opportunity to receive the vaccine was a glimpse of hope in the midst of so much loss.  I pray than more and more people continue to receive this vaccine.  People of all colors and economic backgrounds. Very thankful for science and the brilliant minds behind these vaccines, guided by the hands of God.

I have so much to do today in preparation for my trip to visit my family, but I woke up a little deflated today. Hoping to perk up soon so I can go on with the day...

“If you have one hour of air 

and many hours to go,

you must breath slowly.

If you have one arm’s length 

and many things to care for,

you must give freely.

If you have one chance to know God

and many doubts, you must

set your heart on fire.

We are blessed.

Each day is a chance.

We have two arms

Fear wastes air.”

~Mark Nepo

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Today I woke up tired, yes, after a full night’s sleep, I woke up tired.  I had so many dreams, and I can’t remember any of them, it was just a strange combination of weird dreams.  My mind was spinning yesterday about different things, and I felt unsettled a few times, I’m sure that had to do with some of it.

I have a long to do list today, work mainly, along a couple of personal things.  Getting ready to leave for my trip to visit family has taken on a new level of responsibility, but it’ll feel amazing once I’m officially on my way and I can hug my mom and my brother.

Today is day 29 of my 4th round of Whole30 and in all honesty, this round has been way harder than the first one I ever did!!!  I’m an emotional eater, and these past few months I’ve had ALL the emotions under the sun, so staying focused on a certain food group and caving in to cravings, and processed sugary and salty snacks has been challenging at times, but I haven’t been able to control much in my life lately, and this felt like something I could “claim” and call it mine and help myself feel better in many ways too.  A couple of times I thought about just giving up, or starting over again, but I’m so glad I didn’t!!!  Whole30 will always be the perfect way to reset my relationship with food and the way I eat. 

Off to work now.  Gotta finish packing my meals and snacks so I’m not tempted to eat other things. Meal planning is a game changer during Whole30! 

Hopeful for a good day ahead, a productive day and most importantly a KIND day!  May our paths only cross the paths of people of goodwill that help us see life through a lens of love, understanding and care. 💛

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

I’m sitting on my porch eating breakfast and drinking a cup of coffee. It’s a GLORIOUS Spring day in Chicago!!! Sunny, mid 70’s and it feels like a gift, it is a gift and I’ll be enjoying it all day as long as I can.

I’ve been working since the very early hours of the day trying to get ahead of my work game, so this feels like a refresher of sorts and much more peace and quiet and disconnect I needed from the busy day ahead. 

Yesterday I was off from work, our office always closes on Easter Monday since the majority of the staff is very busy working on Holy Week, Triduum and Easter Masses, the holiest and busiest days of the year for churches

Having a day off meant, lots of free time, which I desperately needed but then it also meant, LOTS of time to think and ponder and question and feels all those feelings I avoid feeling when I’m not working.  I thought about my dad and brother a lot yesterday on and off, especially about my brother and I cried a few tears (twice) during the day when I thought of my brother. I feel so cheated by life, and I refuse to make any apologies, or pretend that my faith and all the love will pacify and take away those feelings of hurt my heart can’t avoid.  I am healing, but the healing road is rocky, hard, muddy, soul carving and VERY confusing!!! 

I close my eyes and I see him.  I close my eyes and I see his smile.  I close my eyes and I hear him.  My fingers twinge every time I want to ask him something.  I want someone to call me and tell me it was all a lie, a bad joke, that he’s been in some hospital recovering and that he’s coming home soon.  Home to US, to family on this earthly journey.  He was only 46 and he had SO many unfinished projects, at least from my human perspective.  Oh well... I know it’s too early to feel “healed”, maybe I’ll never heal completely, but I am hopeful that the day will come when my soul doesn’t experience anguish when I think of him.

Our family is going through a few other dark valleys right now, and I am just about ready for happier days ahead, and when that happens, we will be celebrating every accomplishment, every success, every extraordinary and ordinary life event!!! 

I think I’ll sit here, outside, feeling the sun and listening to no one for a few minutes more before I have to take care of the next thing.  So grateful for peaceful moments during the day.

May you experience KINDNESS throughout the day! 💛

Monday, April 5, 2021

Happy Easter Monday! 💐

I’m sitting in the front porch sipping a cup of coffee, a mug with bunny feet because Easter of course! 🥰

You know those mornings with your family when everything seems and feels in perfect harmony?! This is our morning today and I couldn’t be more thankful for it.  We haven’t had a lot of those days lately, and this feels like a special treat, a blessing.

The girls spent about an hour in Michelle’s bedroom laughing and talking, talking and laughing, and the noise (and they are loud! 😂) coming from her bedroom was music to my ears, I LOVE those moments, moments that won’t last long as life transitions and changes constantly.

Then came downstairs eventually to make breakfast and they are sitting in the family room watching a show and chatting, those two always have a lot to talk about and discuss, I so love that!

Even though my office is closed today for Easter Monday, I still had to do a little bit of work from work to prepare for the week ahead, but it feels good now to have that accomplished so I can really enjoy the rest of the day now.

Stan and I sat on the porch earlier this morning for a little while to talk and make some plans, I love my alone time with him, he makes me laugh and his kind spirit always comforts me, he’s one of those great humans.

A day to rest, to catch up on tv shows, to eat yummy food and MAYBE take a nap if my busy brains allows me. 😉

Have yourself a KIND day! 💛

Sunday, April 4, 2021

Easter Sunday was a little bit of everything!!! ☕️

My alarm went off at 6 am after barely 5.5 hours of sleep the night before, I was so, so tired I could hardly gather enough energy to get in the shower and get ready for work/church, but I did like a champ! 💪🏻 

Easter Masses were beautiful and it’s always so gratifying seeing the many volunteers in action in many different roles.  By the end of the third Mass of the day, I could literally barely keep my wedges on, my feet were screaming, take them off, take them off, but hey, I don’t get to wear them often, and Easter was a perfect opportunity for that, regardless of all the running around I had to do.

Right after work, Stan and I headed out  to Trader Joe’s to get a few extra things I needed for dinner and after grocery shopping I dropped him off and I went on an Easter “hunt” by myself to a few things for the girls Easter baskets, yes, I still get them Easter baskets at almost 19 years old and 23! 😍

After those two errands, I was SOOO tired, oh my goodness, and hungry and thirsty and I decided to go through the DD drive thru and get me large iced coffee with almond milk, no sugar, no cream, because, Whole30 you know! 😉

Dinner was simply delicious, a super generous amount of assorted roasted veggies, steak and salmon, coffee and fruit for me and lamb cake for the girls and Stan, yum!!! 

A wonderful day, and I almost made it through the day not shedding a tear, until a parishioner gently and lovingly approached me and asked me a few questions about my family, and the tears just came out. He listened, I shared a few stories, and I felt his gentleness comfort me.  Throughout the Triduum and Easter celebrations I couldn’t help it but to wonder, “are my dad and my brother celebrating now? Front row style?” I’d like to think, YES!

The gift of the Resurrection healed me a little more these last few days, I’m thankful for those opportunities.

Happy Easter, Christ is Risen, Alleluia! 💛

Saturday, April 3, 2021

Oh my goodness, what a busy, busy day today was, I’m sitting down for the first time all day and it’s almost 11 pm, BUT, it was a pretty awesome day, filled with faith, and community celebrating the Easter Vigil at church, and some other fun things at work. 

Being a church lady means, lots of work around Holy Week, and I love it all!!! I am looking forward to a little bit of down time in the next couple of days, and maybe even some sleep which I haven’t had much lately.

Good night, be kind! 💛

Friday, April 2, 2021

First, let me just share a little bit about the wonderful first celebration of the Easter Triduum at church last night.  It felt like such an honor and a huge blessing to be able to celebrate Holy Thursday with community, last year was such a different scenario, an empty church that reminded us of The Valley of darkness we were going through with Covid. Last night felt like a new beginning in some way and it felt very good to pray together with our community of faith.

Yesterday morning before getting ready for work I called my mom just as I call her every day.  Some days, twice a day, some days multiple times, other days, depending on how busy I am at work, once a day, but always at least once a day.

Yesterday, our conversation started like  most others, “how are you? How’s your day going? What did you have for breakfast? What’s new?!” My mother always greets me as if that very moment was the BEST moment of her life! She’s simply amazing.

The night before, my mom and my brother Will had attended my uncle’s funeral Mass and she shared that with all the condolences given and received at church, by the time my brother and my mom went home, they felt tired, spiritually, heart grieved and both my mom and Will lost their sleep at night.  Interesting thing is, I couldn’t sleep that same night either! I tossed and turned until around 1 am or thereabouts and then I was up at 6 am or so, a bad night of uneasiness, thinking, feeling, anticipating, anxiety I guess? I couldn’t sleep, they couldn’t sleep either, none of us shared that with each other, until the next day, and it amazed me to think how much in symphony we were with each other, thousands of miles away and not even knowing what each of our hearts were feeling, we were are all grieving in our own ways.  My mom said that my uncle’s funeral Mass came to shake and awaken the loss and sadness of loosing my dad and brother, and brought feelings she had been hiding without realizing it. 

We started talking about my dad and my brother, things they’d do, and say, and how my dad would’ve been anxious to leave on time for my uncle’s funeral. My dad hated being late for anything!!! He was always the first one to arrive at scheduled events, especially church, so often my dad would start walking to church if he’d notice everyone else was running late, tardiness was definitely one of his biggest pet peeves.

Speaking of dad, my mom was telling me that as they are going through belongings of my dad and brother in the house, they are finding new “treasures” and bittersweet surprises.  My brother Will was going through my dad’s wallet and he found a few religious medals and prayer cards, and in one compartment of his wallet, 3, yes, THREE pictures of my brother Jesús! None of Will’s or mine, Will jokingly said “there you go, cat is out of the bag, now we know who his favorite was!” 😁 We laughed a little.  My mom said, “your dad LOVED your brother and had great admiration for him.” My brother was an amazing, respectful and loving son too.

Will said later, “I bet if we go through mom’s wallet now, we’d find only pictures of you, but I’m cool with that!” Haha he is, we always joked about stuff like that, like many families “mom, dad, who is your favorite child...?” 😉

As we started sharing about my dad and my brother she said “I’m waiting for a bread delivery.” Sweet bread from a local bread artisan that my mother loves.  Then she said “Jesús used to place this bread order for me every month, and he’d talk to the bread maker every time he came to deliver.” And then my mom started crying and said “it’s those little things I miss, the every day things... I miss him.” 

Of course, I started crying too, first, because hearing my mother cry for my brother hurt me a great deal, second, because I too miss him a LOT. Then, my mom said something very interesting, she said “this is the first time I’ve cried since your dad and your brother died, I don’t know why, but I couldn’t before.” Then she said, “this feels good, I feel peace, these tears are healing me.” 

We talked about the importance of crying and grieving and that it’s ok to miss them and to hurt for their absence and I told her to get ready for a few more tears, because I’ll be there soon to visit and God knows I’ve perfected my ability to cry and to grieve and to acknowledge the deep pain my heart and soul have been feeling.  I said “mama, get ready, because we will cry together, we will heal together and we will remember dad and Jesús and their time with us and create new memories too...” she liked that. 

My mom shared something special with me yesterday. Something I’ve never heard before, she’d never shared that with me before. She said that a few months before my brother’s passing (obviously, none of us knew that would happen when it did, a sudden and unexpected death like that), she said that in the evening, while saying goodnight sometimes my brother would hug her very, very tightly, kiss her and embrace her for a while and say “I love you very, very much.  It was a pleasure journeying with you in this earthly life. In case something happens to me overnight, I’ll see you on the other side.” ❤️

Did my brother had some type of premonition of what was coming?! I guess we’ll never know, or maybe we will know, some day.

My mom said she’d say to him “omg, don’t say that!” And he’d give her one more hug, smile that sweet gentle smile of his, say I love you and good night, and off he’d go.

The bread artisan told my mom that he cried a lot when he heard about my brother’s passing, that it shocked him. He said “what a nice guy he was!” If you had met my brother, there is no possible way you’d had a different impression of him, he went through life GLOWING from the love he gave to others and the many acts of kindness he did and how he served the unprivileged without making much fuss, without being noticed. 

Grief, we are learning, is a very complex process.  A painful, life changing, transforming and also beautiful process.  Grief teaches us to capture life in it’s pure form, and to put aside all the other things that don’t matter. Grief IS transforming in so many ways, and as painful as it feels, and as awful as it is to have been put on this path, I’m slowly and gracefully (on most days) embracing the lessons that it’s teaching me. 

Mama, I’m coming, and we will do all the crying, and all the laughing and all the treasuring of memories, and all the healing we need to do together, and you too brother (Will), I’ll even put your picture in my wallet. ❤️

Thursday, April 1, 2021

SO much happening in mg heart right now, so many emotions, so much more growth to look forward to.

I am so, so, so excited to welcome April, it’s always been one of my favorite months of the year, if not my favorite month of the year.

A month to celebrate Easter and rejoice in our faith.  It’s my birthday 😍, Stan’s birthday 🥰, our Wedding Anniversary 👩‍❤️‍👨, 25 years this year, amazing!!! And it’s also the birthday month of a few dear, dear friends of mine, and I absolutely love celebrating their birthdays as well! ❤️🎉 

This year, April comes with an extra joyful bonus for me, I get to travel to my hometown to visit my mom and brother Will, to reconnect, to make new memories, to embrace our love and our lives together in a different way, to talk, to cry together, to laugh, to celebrate life and to soak in the blessings of life.  The many blessings of life that I feel grateful to recognize in the midst of grief.  Life is a journey, and we have so much to learn every day. 

Today marks the first day of the Paschal Triduum, the holiest time in the Catholic Church.  I’ve always loved the Triduum, it’s sorrows and it’s joys, and the gentle reminders of who we are.  Being a church employee means, lots of work during these days, days in which more people have time off from work, to be home, to rest, to do leisure things, but I wouldn’t change that for the world, I love the good that comes from this busy time of the year, and it’s a privilege to be able to serve a community of faith i so much love and appreciate.  If you are observe these Christians rituals, I wish you a blessed and Holy Triduum of prayer and spiritual growth. ✝️

Even though the sun is shinning in the most beautiful of ways this morning, it’s very cold outside, Chicago sunshine fools us sometimes, but I did sit outside for a few minutes this morning to read a page of this prayers for healing book. I’m comfortably sitting in my living room right now, all by myself, well, not by myself, sorry Daisy! Daisy is sitting on the floor by my feet, and I love it.  The girls are in the kitchen making breakfast, talking, laughing, goofing around and I’m loving that background noise too.

A Joyful and KIND month of April to all! 💛🌻💛

“Lift up your hearts.  Each new hour holds new chances for new beginnings.” Maya Angelou 

Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Well, it’s almost 10:30 pm, I just sat down for the first time since 6 am this morning and I’m really tired, and I don’t have the energy to go into detail about my day or be too philosophical about life right now, so I think I’ll just sit here for a while.

Today was a very eventful day, and somehow, I was able to make some time to cook a yummy and healthy dinner and that made me feel good.

Tomorrow starts the Triduum, the holiest time of the year in the Catholic Church, a time of sorrow and a time of joy, a journey of love.

My personal Lenten season started earlier this year, I’ve been walking through the desert since the beginning of the year, and I’m looking forward to some rest, peace and joyful moments ahead. 

Tomorrow we will start a brand new month, warmer days, moments to celebrate and I am READY to turn the page and wave goodbye to March.

April, I am SO ready for you!!! Please, please, please... be my friend! 💛

Tuesday, March 30, 2021

I had started this journal page with an apology: “I’m sorry if I sound melancholic and gloomy...” but you know what, I’m not, and I won’t, because I refuse to apologize for the deep pain my heart and my soul is feeling right now and I will not try to push it away or to pretend that it isn’t there anymore.  It’s there, it’s very much there, it’s never left.  

Our lives have many seasons.  Seasons of joy, seasons of beginnings, seasons of challenges, seasons of accomplishments, seasons of sorrow... this is a heavy season of sorrow for us, for me, and I will sit in that room for a while, take it all in, cry as much as I have to, let my soul heal, my heart breath, and my mind rest and then when I feel refreshed and ready to face life again, in the same “Maria’s style of facing challenges...” I will emerge again and smile with more ease, and I will see the heavy pain I’m feeling right now, as memories, and maybe those memories will even put a purpose in my walking, in my life journey. 

My dad’s only surviving brother died late on Sunday night, we got the news in the early hours of yesterday, and although he had been in the ICU for a few days, his illness was sudden and unexpected end his loss tragic as well.  Although I was never too close to my uncle, I loved him and appreciated his life in my dad’s life.  My uncle was one of the few people my dad had in his very small group of friends.  The one my dad met for coffee, and to talk about stories of their childhood and people they knew. My uncle always stopped by my parents house whenever I was in Mexico visiting my family.  He’d walk in quietly and not making too much fanfare (just like my dad was) and say “Maria de Lourdes, como estas?”, and he’d start asking about Chicago and the kids, and say just a few things about his six kids, laugh a little (I can still hear him), and then he’d excuse himself to go in the back porch with my dad to drink coffee.  It all seems so surreal now.

I’ve suffered from PTS before, for a long time actually, I still do in some instances.  The very horrible car crash I was in years ago left me with some big scars and fears, but time has healed a lot of those scars and fears.  I didn’t think that could happen with grief as well, but well, yesterday’s news about my uncle proved my theory wrong.  PTS apparently can happen in any instance of traumatic stress and life challenges, and death crowning the list of those life challenges and stresses, of course hearing about my uncle’s death, affected me greatly, even though we weren’t the “talk to each other for hours... ” type of relationship.

His passing awoken, stirred ALL kinds of emotions, and feelings and sadness I had worked so hard to “hide” inside of me, or maybe progress I was making in the grief department.  His passing brought back all the pain I felt when my dad died, and I once more ached for just one more conversation, one more hug, one more “let me talk to Stan...” (he was his biggest fan!), and I wanted to scream and call his name, as IF he would have come back from the grave and continue to walk with us here on earth.  Well, you know the answer to that. 

My “I miss you so much”, thoughts and feelings and emotions about my dad, quickly turned to anger and denial and anguish as I thought of my brother’s death.  Why?! Because his death doesn’t make sense!!! It never will, for me at least, but I will hopefully one day, understand it and accept it, this is too early into this grieving process that I hate to be honest. 

I have had moments when I think of him and smile, without tears leaking from my eyes, so that’s progress, right?! I think so.  Last night I had a dream about him.  We were in some type of farm, a big field, like a vegetable farm, and him, little Michelle and I were walking through the field, we were all so happy! All of a sudden, a big, huge tractor pull up besides us and asked my brother if he wanted to ride it, to drive it.  My brother chuckled, looked a me and smiled the biggest smile and then said to the voice coming from the tractor... “sure!” He hoped on, and between giggles he disappeared into this very happy cornfield. 

There is no doubt in my mind that he’s happy, that he’s in a very good place. I am the one who is sad, I am the one who is struggling to make sense of this huge mess.  One day at a time, and now, even more aware of setbacks.  Prepared for them? Never! But I’m still trying... 💙

Monday, March 29, 2021

“My feet are tired, but my soul is wide awake.” ~Sister Pollard

I love that quote, for many reasons.  I think it could be interpreted and applied to so many things in life.  In my case, I felt that way yesterday, and I’m thankful for that. 

Yesterday was a pretty awesome day, a very busy day, but an awesome day nonetheless. 

For most of those that work at a church, big liturgical feast days Ana celebrations mean, lots of work, but the kind of work that leaves your soul smiling at the end of the day. 

When I got home from work yesterday I immediately ate something, I was so hungry!!! Well, actually, I picked up Chipotle on my way home after dropping off blessed Palms for a friend.  A Whole30 lifestyle bowl with extra protein because I hadn’t had a proper breakfast.  It was delicious and just what I needed after a long work day, I didn’t feel like cooking yesterday.

After I ate, I edited some pictures I took at church and transcribed our Pastor’s homily which was amazing and so touching.  Uploaded all that to social media and then it was rest time for me, and I took that assignment of mine to myself 😉, very seriously.  I sat on the couch for a few hours and binged on Grace and Frankie and later in the evening, my daughters and I watched a super cute movie on Netflix called “Moxie”.  If I had to do High School all over again, I’d like to be a Moxie, that’d be the group I’d like to belong to, amazing girl power! I was so tickled by a conversation in the movie about personality types, that I ended up taking a personality type that my daughters told me would tell me MY personality type, in the way they referred to in this movie, apparently, I am a “ENFP-A” and after reading most of the results and descriptions, they got it right! I haven’t read the entire document they give you at the end, because it was super late and I was tired, but the first few things were mostly accurate.  Anyways, super cute and wholesome movie!

I talked to my mom a couple of times yesterday, and the second time right before I went to sleep.  They are two hours behind there and it’s nice to have that window of opportunity to talk to my mom even if it’s late here.  Before we hang up she says to me “I have this really beautiful prayer for the morning, do you want to hear it?!” I said “of course!” And she started reciting it.  I asked her how she managed to read it and she says promptly and a little surprised that I even asked, “oh, I memorized it, I can’t read anymore, I don’t see.” AMAZING!!! My mother’s visual disability has never gotten on her way of doing the things she loves and especially taking her joyful spirit away, she inspires me daily. 

My mom shared with me last night that ever since her vision got worse (legally blind), she has memorized all of her favorite prayers, which I’m sure are many. She said “I pray them every day, no need to read, I know them by heart.” Her willpower, determination and spirituality despite all the challenges she’s faced for many, many years, are my biggest source of inspiration.  A faith filled human being with a heart of gold, and she is my mother, can you believe that?! 🥰

Today, is another busy work day for me, I’m trying to get all my ducks in a row before taking some time off to visit my mom and brother, but I really couldn’t be happier about it.  I almost lost my sleep last night looking at Amtrak images and picturing myself boarding the train, oh my goodness, I LOVE trains so much, it’s almost ridiculous! 😁

Thankful for a great day yesterday and looking forward to a day of good possibilities and accomplishments today.

May we all have a kind day! ❤️

Sunday, March 28, 2021

Have I ever mentioned how much I enjoy my time alone with my cup of coffee in the mornings?! Because I do! 😍

Everyone is out of the house for church, well, except Daisy, I couldn’t convince her to go, dogs... you know! 😉 I’m sitting in my favorite corner of the kitchen listening to the howl of the wind and sipping my coffee, it’s a perfect cup of coffee this morning, and I’m loving it! I have a candle lit and my daily prayers for healing book with daily meditations, right now, life feels a little more balanced that it has felt recently and I’m happy to welcome those blessings.

I’m leaving for church/work shortly and we have a big day ahead of us, an exciting day for all Catholics around the globe.  A day to welcome the King of all Kings and the start of the Holy Week which has always been (since I was little) one of my favorite weeks of the year at church. 

My mom always made sure that we fully immersed in all things church during Holy Week.  I remember when my brothers and I were elementary school age, she’d stop us on the way out - backpacks on and all - with her little Lenten book for children and would read to us the Lenten reflection of the day.  I do remember a few eye rolls from time to time, from all of us, especially from me and my brother Jesus if you can believe that! 😁

We went to church religiously every day of the Triduum and participated in all of the services that the church offered.  Even though we lived a stone throw away from the ocean, there was never going to the beach for us during Holy Week, my mom always said “it’s a sacred time, not a party time”, and we followed her lead.

My mom has always had the sweetest disposition for everything, and I enjoyed those special days worshiping along side.  On many occasions, I think she rewarded us with take out after Mass or services or a special treat she’d make for us at home.

My mother’s faith formation during our childhood and teenage years was the foundation for my connection with my faith now and my relationship with God.

Although I’ve felt disconnected, or became distant and cold towards my faith from time to time because of life experiences I couldn’t understand, it never separated me from my beliefs and the deep love I have for my faith, at the end, it’s what’s helped me get through life.  When I’ve gone through big life struggles that seem so impossible to survive, and I keep feeling a little whisper of love, even though I want to push everything faith related away, I always think of our own relationship with our children from time to time.  When they are going through dark valleys in their own lives, and we show them in quiet, loving ways we are there, even if they are not ready to welcome our love, our understanding, our protection, they know we will always be there for them to welcome them back when they are ready, because true love liberates and overcomes everything. 

Today, it’s a big day in the Catholic Church.  A day to welcome the King, a day to wave our Palms, our branches and proclaim that we will journey with him in the days ahead during Holy Week. 🌿✝️

Saturday, March 27, 2021

Today was a total blah day for me, those days when you feel a little “deflated”, but I was able to stay focused on Whole30 and that was good for me. 

I really struggled with grief today, it makes me sad when I catch myself struggling, it’s like my whole self just wants to feel “normal” again and then I circle back to feelings of loss and denial, and I want to reach for my phone and call my brother, or call my house and have my dad answer the phone, even if he just says “hi, how are you? Let me find your mom for you.” 

Every time I see or hear something that reminds me of my brother, a tsunami of emotions come crashing down on me and I want to call someone and have them tell me that it was all a dream, a bad dream and it’s all over now, unfortunately that’s not the case. 

Being at work today helped me too, distractions help me, although I cried at my desk today, and prayed no one would walk by and see me like that, but then I thought, I’m not going to hide my tears today, if they see me, they see me and I’ll tell them the truth, I’ll tell them I’m struggling and I’m having a tough day.  No one walked by, and I was able to have a “good” health cry by myself. 

On a positive note (well, maybe not for Stan 😄), he picked me up at work today and I looked and boy oh boy, he got a really bad haircut today and he was very upset about it haha - he had a whole story about it and the hairdresser and I don’t remember laughing so much in a while.  He’s hoping his hair grows back for his birthday next month on the 15th, lol! 

I had my coffee on the porch this morning but I wasn’t in the writing mood, so I just sat there.  Now, I’m sitting in the living room all by myself, and a bowl of grapes next to me and taking in the silence and quiet of the night.  Sometimes stillness calms the mind and comforts the soul. 💙

Friday, March 26, 2021

I woke up feeling quite relaxed today, and I’m actually kind of loving it to be honest. I’m taking my time sipping my coffee before I had to head out to work and tackle the day. 

Last weekend I made an appointment to meet with a friend who happens to be a grief expert, in every sense of the word.  I was excited about the opportunity and also a little intimidated at the fact that I had to expose my vulnerability with grief.  It’s not as easy as one may think.  Wednesday was a challenging day for me that ended up with tears and Thursday welcomed me almost the same way.  I attempted cancelling (or rescheduling actually) our appointment, but she’s smart and well connected with the feelings of grief and she read through my emotions in the text I was sending. She was opened of course to rescheduling and understood 100% but then in our text conversation I realized that the only reason I was denying myself of that opportunity to meet about my grief WAS grief, how ironic is that?! 

I decided to go just as I was, I knew she’d understand even if I arrived a mess of emotions.  I did.  I cried my whole way there, not the ugly, desperate type of cry, but the sad, quiet, tears rolling down your face kind.

Making the decision to keep that appointment was one of the best things I’ve done this week.  Going at a time when I felt most vulnerable and when sadness had invaded my mind, heart and soul again, was the perfect time to go and to talk, and to be listened to, and to have her witness my pain, and to cry and to listen to her and to cry end again, and boy did I cry! It all felt good and by the time I left and I was heading back to work, my spirit felt renewed, and in that moment, it felt like a gift, it was a gift.  One day at a time... 💙

Last night I had a dream about my dad, he looked sooo happy, this time he visited me in my dream in his late 60’s, early 70’s maybe, full of life, carefree, unshaven, humming a Pedro Infante song (a popular Mexican actor and singer from the early 1900’s), cup of coffee in hand, a cigarette in the other hand and he was walking across the street from my parents home to sit in his favorite drinking coffee spot to sip his coffee in the sunshine with just the perfect amount of shade.  It brought me so much joy to see him so happy and well! There is no doubt in my mind that my dad is in a very happy place, my entire being feels it! 

In less than three weeks I’ll be on my way to see my mother and my brother and aunts and cousins and friends and I cannot contain my happiness! Love, good food, memories shared and new memories made, hopefully a little bit of ocean also and plenty of sunshine will surely renew my soul. 💛

Thursday, March 25, 2021

I feel confused this morning, not the “disoriented” type, but the “what’s going on with this rollercoaster of feelings...” type of confusion.

This is what grief feels in my corner of the world on day 71 after my dad’s passing and day 46 after my brother’s passing.  No, I’m not counting, well, maybe a little, I can’t help it, facts helps me these days, they make things a little more real in this fictional world I seem to be living lately.   Grief feels like a bandit, like a bandit, a burglar, someone that shows up unexpectedly when you are off guard and takes away your possessions, sometimes, your precious processions. 

Yesterday came knocking on my door to remind me that I’m still very much healing, that the pain I’m trying to “hide” or protect or make it look less painful, it’s still very much there, maybe not with the same intensity -thankfully- but it’s still very much there, but of course it is, how and why should it be gone, my loved ones are still dead. 

Yesterday and the days before I thought I was doing quite well in my grief journey, I was actually shocked at how well I seemed to be handling it, and that saddened me a little too because I thought “I can’t get over this sadness this fast?!” But I was happy for my happiness and the new hope I was feeling, I AM feeling.  

Yesterday came knocking on my door to remind me that it’s ok to still have feelings of anguish and sadness and even despair and moments when NOTHING makes sense, but we keep going, because we have faith and hope that life will provide the healing and understanding we need. 

I talked to my mom briefly yesterday because I had a very busy day at work, but since my dad got sick the first week of January, we’ve talked many times during the day every day, now it’s at least twice or three times a day, yesterday, I couldn’t call until later in the evening. During the course of the day my brother shared with me that he had completed all the paperwork for the niches in the mausoleum where my dad’s and brother’s cremated remains will be deposited after we have their funeral Mass.  I saw the mausoleum, I saw their resting place, I didn’t like any of it, but I had to deal with it like a full grown adult that I am, it hurst as I type, gees, I hate all of this, but can I do darn it, nothing!!! Last night I said a prayer for my brother Will too, it can’t be easy making all these arrangements by himself, your father and your youngest brother... it’s even hard to put it into words.

Then, I talked to my mom before I went to sleep and she casually shared that a company had picked up some furniture that used to belong to my dad and my brother, and that was like ripping off a bandaid that had been placed on an open wound, I can’t imagine how hard it must be for my mom and brother Will to be making all those decisions too, and to experience their absence every day in a home where their presence was SO palpable. 

When my mom started sharing I quickly changed the conversation, I didn’t want to hear about it, I didn’t want to know more, I’m sure she realized what I was doing, but my heart couldn’t take it anymore. We said goodnight after she told me about a delicious salad she had eaten for dinner (if you think I’m passionate about food, you should hear the way my mom describes foods she loves, ha! She’s awesome!) and then I laid down to go to sleep and a tear showed up out of nowhere and then another one, but I was able to pacify myself and eventually fall asleep.  

This morning I woke up feeling a little blue if you may, thinking, processing things, thinking too much... but the day will develop and life will go on as it does every day.  

Remember the tribute/memorial/altar I created at home for my dad and brother with candles, pictures and flowers and a basket of all those wonderful sympathy cards we received? I’ve noticed every day that no matter what day it is, or what time, by the time I come downstairs or come back from work, the battery operated candle a friend gifted us is always ok. Stan and the girls have started turning that candle on every single day, I’m thinking, it gives them comfort too. What a great gift rituals are for our souls. 

I just read my daily prayer from the book “prayers for healing” and the beginning of today’s prayers goes like this, “Beloved God, show me the truth about this. I surrender all fears, doubts, and judgements, and invite the light of perfect consciousness to illuminate my path...” by Alan Cohen - how perfect is that?! Love it! 

I have my other book “Finding Meaning” by David Kessler that I’m reading right after I finish this journal page, I already read a couple of pages soon after I came back from dropping Stan off at work, but I want to read a little more. I’m in the chapter called “Comunal Mourning”, where he talks about the importance of Funerals and wake services. Interesting, I just mentioned that a few days ago in one of my journal pages, it’s good to know that I’m not alone with all these feelings. 

The day I decided to welcome and acknowledge all my feelings of grief and process them fully without guilt and shame, was one of the best days, that alone is helping me heal too. ❤️

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

I’ve been up since 6:15 am already, don’t know what got into me, but I don’t feel tired thankfully. 

Yesterday was a not so good, terrible kind of day dealing with side effects from my second Covid vaccine.  I woke up and felt “just ok”, I thought that’d be the extent of it, WRONG.  By the time I got in the shower to get ready for work I started to feel sick, and by the time I was out of the shower I could hardly walk back to bed, my body felt as if I had been ran over by a truck and the truck had gone back to run me over “just in case”, omg every inch of my body hurt and I was starting to develop a fever on top of it, or felt like that because of it! Thankfully, my fever never went over a 102, but it was pretty close.

I was able to have breakfast ok, but then for lunch I had no appetite, but I made myself eat some fruit and walnuts. By the time dinner came around I was feeling a little better, the fever had broken and I was able to go downstairs to the kitchen to make something to eat.  My daughter had made dinner, but it wasn’t Whole30 complaint and I wanted to make sure I stayed on track.  It was a successful trip to the kitchen, a super simple chicken breast dinner with sweet potatoes and a side salad.  I stayed super hydrated throughout the day and I think that helped too.

I’m feeling a lot better today, actually the symptoms are gone just as fast as they came, a 24 hour ordeal dealing with miserable side effects that we’re definitely worth while!!! I’m so relieved to have the vaccine and be able to travel to visit my family soon. 

I was able to work from home yesterday for a few hours, but today I will have a lot of catching up to do.

Making the decision to stay home yesterday and in bed 90% of the day, was the smartest thing I’ve done for myself lately. We must listen to our bodies in order to heal, in any way. 

Our family has a few important things to take care of today, and I’m thankful that the Covid vaccine side effect have worn off so we can go on with our plans. 

Wishing you a kind and joyful day. 💛

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

Taking this morning slow today.  I had my second Covid vaccine yesterday and my arm doesn’t feel as bad as it did the first time, but I have some bad headache going for some reason.  In the migraine world of mine, which thankfully has been a good one lately, that could mean anything, either a side effect from the vaccine, OR the fact that it’s supposed to rain later today and the barometric pressure is like poison to my head.  I’m going to take it slow and work from home a little this morning until my migraine medicine kicks in. 

Driving to our appointment to get our second Covid vaccine yesterday felt so good and so surreal.  I felt very blessed by the opportunity, especially because thanks to these two vaccines, I will be able to visit my family in Mexico and see my mom and my brother.  It still feels so, so strange not saying “my parents and my brothers.” I’m sure I’ll get used to it eventually, but the good thing is that I’m not crying as I type that, I think I’m making progress in the grief department, at least for right now and I’ll take it. 

I am counting down the days until I can go to my hometown in Mexico and hug my mom and my brother.  I won’t lie, I am definitely not looking forward to facing the reality of a half empty house and all the painful reminders of my dad’s and my brother’s absence and the funeral Mass and the placing of the urns in the niches of the church, and, and, and... everything that has to do with it, and in my mind, I want to rush all of it and do it as fast as I can and be “done and over it”, like ripping off a bandaid off your skin as fast as you can so it doesn’t hurt as much, but if I’ve learned anything about grief in the past couple of months is that rushing things, is not an ideal recipe for healing.  We must feel in order to heal, and with confidence I say, that I am willing to do all that it takes to witness the pain, to witness the emptiness, and to experience it all, for I know that through it all, I will also have the comfort and protection of my mother’s love and strength and the support of my brother Will, and all my other family and friends that have been so incredibly supportive and loving and present in our lives through this. 

Less than a month before I board Amtrak to see my sweet mama and enjoy the glorious sunshine of Arizona and Mexico, ahhhh, it’s a different kind of air and sunshine I tell you! It’s like life feels a little different there, the mountains have a lot to do with it, they bring me back to my roots every single time. I never really appreciated (fully) the natural wonder and magic that surrounded me.  Mountains, sunshine, ocean, the most delicious food and the best hospitality in any given household you enter.  I can already feel the love... 

I think I’ll finish sipping my coffee and then I’ll get ready for work, I have lots to do and it’s a good day to be productive at the office.

Wishing you a KIND day, and opportunities to spread kindness yourself! 💛

Monday, March 22, 2021

It’s the start of a new week, it’s a new day and I was “up with the chickens” as they say in farmland, instead, it wasn’t chickens, it was Stan, his car broke down last Thursday and I had to drive him to work this morning.  We’ve been managing with one car for the past four days and it’s tiring, but I do have to say that I loved our quiet time alone this morning driving to work, me on the passenger seat.

Sadly, his Mini Cooper is beyond possible help, or if it were to be “helped” the repairs are not worth the money, so now that we have to look for a second family car, boy oh boy, never a good time for more expenses, but nobody asked for our opinion either. 😁 I’m sure Stan will find the best and most economical fit for us, in the meantime, we get to spend a few minutes together in the car alone, talking, catching up and enjoying the beautiful sunrises, the gifts of waking up early. 

I’m sitting in my favorite corner of the kitchen, the house is completely quiet, you could hear a pin drop I’m sure, and I’m loving this special time.  I have so much to reflect on and so much to give thanks to. Yesterday was an exceptional day for me, a day that allowed me time to do some healing, some grieving and lots of appreciating. 

Yesterday, I was up early too, I had to take care of some work stuff, and then I had to go to work, it was a busy morning and afternoon, and I was tired by the time I left.

A friend I met through church approached me yesterday and asked if she could give me a hug (thankful for vaccinations!), and I have to confess that the offer took me by surprise. It’s amazing what this Covid era has done to our minds, the norm is not the norm anymore, and we have had to learn new ways of showing love, support and appreciation.  This person is a very intuitive griever herself and I can almost imagine that she perceived my need to be loved and cared for. Of course I said “yes!” to the hug, I think I really needed a hug yesterday, and she was sent to me for that reason, she’s also a great hugger and her sympathy and love gave me strength and “permission” for vulnerability in her presence, not an easy thing to do.  Hugs have taken on a whole new meaning these days! ❤️

A couple of days ago I was sitting at the kitchen table by myself in a meditative kind of state I think.  My soul felt heavy and I was missing my brother a lot.  As I sat there, I received a text from a friend asking if I’d be interested on a walk and lunch outdoors sometime. Thankfully, my foot feels a lot better, and the forecast was promising a beautiful day the next day, so we made plans a nature walk yesterday, and lunch “al fresco”.  She even brought a Whole30 complaint lunch for me and the tastiest coffee from a local restaurant, yum!!!

We visited for almost three hours and it was just what I needed.  As my new favorite writer, speaker and grief expert would say “we need witnessed in our grief journey”, and that’s exactly what life gifted me with yesterday, a grief witness, a friend that listened, that cried with me, that prayed with me, that walked with me, that simply made herself available to me and my grief and all the other complicated things and emotions and decisions going on in my head, my heart and my soul in that moment.  I have been so self conscious of crying lately and showing my real emotions because I don’t want to be a burden, and yesterday, it felt good to talk and to cry and to really feel every emotions without inhibitions, what a special gift. 

As we started our walk yesterday after lunch and an hour of conversation in, out of nowhere in one of the paths surrounded by many people since it was such a beautiful day out, a little girl by the age of 4 probably, came running straight to me, put her hand out holding a shiny and golden piece of paper and said as soon as she was in front of me, “I have a special gift for you, a piece of gold!” She handed me this special piece of tiny golden shiny paper and just as fast as she showed up, she ran off to keep being her happy four year old enjoying nature.  Because I’m constantly looking for signs and acknowledging special moments like this one, I’d like to thing it was indeed a special gift just for ME, sent by a loved one, reminding me that I am loved and most importantly, that I’m not alone, that they are always with me.  Among all the people there, I was “chosen” by this little girl to receive this special present, coincidence? I’d like to think not. 💛

I called my mom yesterday almost as soon as I got home from my walk and time with my friend to share about my day and I told her about the special gift I had gotten. I said “mom, I received a special message from Jesús today!” She replies, “Jesus as our Savior?!” Haha that made me chuckle... I said, “well, that too, but my brother, your son!” Needless to say, she loved the story and the message behind it.  The little, tiny piece of bright golden piece of paper is being housed in a prayers and blessings journal box given to me by a friend, and I already have a plan for it, the shiny piece of “gold”, given to me by a special messenger will accompany me for years to come. 💛

As I walked in from my walk yesterday, I noticed a piece of mail that had arrived for me.  A beautiful card from a friend and inside, a “breath blessing” bracelet with the message “in time of need, run your fingers along the simple string; grasp the medal (a cross) and breath.  By simply focusing your attention on taking a breath and linking that breath to God, we can dispel chaos and go back to our spiritual roots.” I already feel the peace and blessings of this bracelet by simply writing about it. 

Yesterday was an amazing day of growth for me in my grief journey, and for that I am beyond thankful! 🌿

-pictures in my March journal page- 🥰

Sunday, March 21, 2021

It’s Sunday morning, the alarm went off really early today to get ready for church, but I was blessed with the best offer a church lady could get.  Stan offered to help me take care of something I needed to do at church after Mass this morning so I don’t have to get there SO early, and I can sip my coffee at home in peace and quiet before the girls get up. Ahhhh, didn’t I tell you he’s a great guy?! 🥰

So that’s exactly what I’m doing, sitting, sipping and self caring! 😉

I absolutely love quiet moments and moments I spend alone. Not that I don’t like or appreciate the noise and the chaos of everyday life with everyone, but spending a few moments by myself especially in the morning céntrenme.

I was talking to a friend last night and our conversation made me realize the powerful meaning of friendship during times of grief, heartache, disappointment, etc.  People that can listen to us (and viceversa) and most importantly, people with whom we can be our very authentic selves, raw and real regardless of our circumstances.  If we think about it the human body, our human experience is such an amazing gift in all it’s form.  We are made of so many emotions, happiness, anger, sadness, fear, surprise, disgust and I was reading the other day that scientists have found out that now there are over 20 emotions, I have always been very intrigued by the emotions our bodies are capable of experiencing, the brain is so, so powerful!!! 

Recently I’ve been concerned about something that really shouldn’t be taking ANY space in my head, in my heart and most importantly in my soul, why do we give certain situations so much power?! I don’t think I’ve done more growth in my life, as much as I’ve grown since this year started.  Every day I learn something new these days, every day I grow, every day I realize that my time on earth is more precious that I ever realized and that it should be lived fully and if possible, as worry(less) free as we can.

One day at a time... ❤️

Saturday, March 20, 2021

Today’s journal page is all about my husband (well, most of it at least) the good Stan as my uncle used to call him. 

Yesterday, in the Catholic Church we celebrated the Feast of Saint Joseph, patron Saint of all fathers and throughout the day, and while being at church listening to homilies from the priests that celebrated Mass, I couldn’t help it but to think of Stan the entire time and it made me smile really big. 

Stan is the epitome of what a good, caring, loving and compassionate father he is, and the same goes for his husband qualities.  Stan was born a caregiver, a caretaker, and giver with the most compassionate and selfless spirit.  He never gets tired of serving, helping and answering to his call of a father and also a husband, sometimes I wonder if he really has all that energy all the time and that incredible ability for empathy and compassion, but of course he does, because if he’s anything, he’s an honest person.

He’s always looking to see how he can help the girls, what advice to give them, and with me, how to make my life journey a little easier.  I know it all sounds like this combination could almost be impossible and fictional, but it’s not, anyone who knows Stan knows this is truly who he is.  Stan was born a giver and a human with the kindest heart and I’m beyond grateful for having walking into his life many, many  springs ago. ❤️

This morning I woke up completely drained from any good energy, I think because last night I had such a hard time handling the grief I’ve been feeling for the last few weeks, and my physical body was screaming “stay in bed, take care of yourself...” and that’s exactly what I did! Stan brought me coffee to bed and and exclaimed when he walked in the bedroom coffee cup in hand “double, like you like it!” and I love that he chose this cup because, well... 😍

I managed to get up a little after I had my cup of coffee and get ready for work, I had to take care of a few things for the weekend.  When I got back from work, Stan was outside doing some gardening and Michelle was sitting on the porch with our dog Daisy by her side reading a book in the sunniest part of the porch.  Bella was out with a friend exploring nature.  All that made me SO happy, and I felt so much joy, for a moment I could sense peace and normalcy, and my heart was singing, I’m almost sure of it! 😉

I made a very delicious and healthy Whole30 dinner today and now I’m resting and will probably look for a movie on Netflix.  I want to do nothing else other than rest for the remaining part of the day, my body needs it, my soul needs it, I need it! 

Happy first day of Spring, the sun is shinning and love is in the air! 🌾

Friday, March 19, 2021

I’m currently sitting in my car inside the garage crying, the solitude and quiet of the garage feels good actually.  I didn’t purposely go in the garage to cry, although that’s not a bad idea if needed.  I came home from work not too long ago and all of a sudden a million emotions hit me at the same time, I’m sure my brain and my soul are having a hard time keeping up right now, but this burst of tears feel good.  

I’m not sharing this with the purpose of getting sympathy, instead my goal from the very beginning of this journey was to share my experience, raw and real, just as I feel it.  Grief SUCKS, grief hurts the physical body, grief walks in uninvited and can be triggered by even a look, grief is a different kind of life experience, grief is unique, so personal and so intimate. 

A lot good happened today, but I also had some heartache and disappointment, but that’s life isn’t it?! 

Yesterday I worked at the funeral home for a few hours and in a weird kind of way, it felt “good” being back, I haven’t been working there a whole lot since the pandemic started.  I love my Ahlgrim’s family, they’ve made me feel at home since day one, and they love me just as much as I love them.  I worked the wake for a family I’ve known through church for many years, the loveliest of families, and it brought me great joy being able to be of some support for them during their time of grief.

Being there also made me realize how important wakes are when a love one dies.  The time you spend with family and friends visiting with each other, being comforted, sharing stories about your deceased family members, and the sense of community provides a special support and gives meaning to the grief people are experiencing.  We didn’t have any of that for my dad and brother, and although I am beyond thankful for the memorial Mass we had for my dad and brother a few weeks ago - and that provided much needed closure to a point - I haven’t yet been able to really visit with anyone, and be present in my grief and allow others to witness my grief and walk that journey together with me. I’m hoping that going home to Mexico next month will provide the full closure I need. 

I think I’m going to go in now and face real life, and try to eat something, I’m really hungry! Tomorrow will be another day, and a day I’m determined to welcome with enthusiasm, determination, courage and all the vulnerability it will require.

I hope you all experienced some kindness during the day. ❤️

Thursday, March 18, 2021

Today would’ve been a perfect day to stay in bed or at home at least, we have a pretty busy day, all of us, but especially me, it’s all good things and things that need care anyways.  It’s cloudy, and rainy and wintery feeling and so cold again!!! I’m ready for warmer days and sunshine. ☀️

I was talking to my mom last night and her enthusiasm for life simply amazes me! She was sharing with me about the things my brother Will and her accomplished at home yesterday, projects that needed attention, and other things related to my dad and my brother JR.  It was indeed a good and positive day and she was even rejoicing about the take out food they ordered which they fully enjoyed together.  At the end of her sharing of the day she joyfully exclaims “God is good! We are so blessed!” 

Of course He is good and we are blessed, but what amazes me about my mother is her ability to recognize all of it, in an extraordinary way which is merely ordinary stuff, and on top of it in the midst of her losses.  To me, that in itself is a blessing, and I continue to learn from her wisdom.  I’m getting there little by little, but I have a long ways to go still...

Yesterday felt like a celebration of sorts  talking to my mom and brother.  Celebrations have taken on a new meaning these days, but I’m thankful that we are learning to go on and that we are growing from the love and memories our loved ones left behind for us.  

Although I have a busy day, I do however have time this morning to sip my coffee peacefully and quietly and in the presence of myself only and one of my books, which that alone allows for the morning to take on a special meaning. ❤️

Wednesday, March 17, 2021

It’s 10 pm and I’m finally sitting down, it’s been a very long day and I had a very bad night of sleep last night. Today, started as a not so good kind of day, starting with the fact that I woke up at 6:30 am to get ready for work after barely sleeping during the night, I think I got 3 hours of sleep, IF.  Too much going on in the little head of mine, as I was sharing with a friend today, the last couple of days have felt as if I’ve added extra layers of uninvited burden, but here I am right now, in bed again, feeling a lot better and hopefully going to sleep soon. 

I decided to make myself a cup of tea before bed called “tension tamer”, perfect! It’s delicious too! 

My day improved throughout the day THANKFULLY and to be honest, a lot had to do with my approach.  Half way through the day I made the conscious decision that circumstances would not affect pursuit for joy today, I succeeded! 🥰

My mom and my brother also had a very good day and they celebrated their accomplishments and all the work they got done by ordering cheeseburgers from my mom’s favorite burger place, onion rings and all, as my mom said it! I LOVE her zest for life and enthusiasm and the way she finds joy in the ordinary, she’s the cutest! 

Today I cried three times, one completely related to my brother, the other two, it was just moments of sadness and disappointment I think, but thankfully all the “brief” kind of tears. 

Not that I’m keeping scores or anything, but I’d say today was a good day, despite the couple “bumps on the road”, because I was able to accomplish some important projects and I also listened to my body and my emotions really well, that was important for me.

Just had my last sip of tea for the night, I’m praying I’ll be able to fall asleep fast enough and wake up refreshed. 

Today, I’m thankful for some moments of kindness I encountered, kindness is one of my favorite things. ❤️

Tuesday, March 16, 2021

Last night didn’t have a “good kind of end of the day” for me and to be honest, I don’t even know what triggered the outburst of sadness again.

I came back from my grief counseling yesterday and right after washing my hands I immediately got to work in the kitchen finishing making dinner which was in the crockpot and some on the stove.  I was so hungry and also excited about the two meals I had been cooking on and off all day, they looked delicious! 

Stan and I sat at the table, Bella was doing school work and Michelle didn’t feel great. We ate, we talked, Stan said at least four times, “this is so good!” and then we picked up and cleaned the kitchen together. 

As soon as we finished cleaning, I sat on the couch to unwind from the day and watch a movie, “The Intouchables”, which I loved!  And now that I’m thinking about it, I think the movie might’ve triggered my sadness, not because the movie is sad, not at all, if anything, it’s extremely inspiring, but I think because the main character in the movie is a classical music connoisseur and lover of all things art and books and knowledge and a great conventionalist and it all made me think of my brother, and ache for his presence and love and knowledge and feel the pain of his absence even more.

It wasn’t until the movie ended that I had this fleeting thought of “ugh, I wish I could text him right now and ask him if he’s seen the movie.” If he had, he would’ve shared immediately his take on the story, ALL of it, he was a man of depth who explored every aspect of everything, he wasn’t the kind to give you a “yeah, I watched it, it’s really good...” and move on, kind of person.  If he hadn’t watched it, he would’ve said “I haven’t seen it sister, I’ll check it out...” and then he would’ve proceeded to share something about Bach and some great composers of classical music and authors and the gift of art itself and probably recommend one of his favorite movies. But as we know, that didn’t happened because he’s gone, because I can’t text him anymore, because although I know he’s with me spiritually, his physical absence simply hurts too much and I can’t seem to understand any of it yet because it makes NO sense!!!

But... I will go on supported and carried by his memories and his love and the lessons I learned from him, and I will no longer rush my grief process.  I have been saying, I keep saying “but I will be ok...” I won’t say that anymore, I’m going to try to avoid saying that now, not because I don’t think that I will be “ok” one day, but because by saying that it’s almost feels as if I’m rushing my grief process and I’m doing it for others because I don’t want to be a burden of grief in their lives.  I need to care for me, about me, my whole self, without inhibitions, or regrets and specially no deadlines.  I need to nurture my body both physically and spiritually and mentally too, with nutrition, rest, tears, walks, journaling and anything that will help me heal and go on in life, with life. 

Life will never be the same, there is no possible way, but one thing I am very thankful for is that in the process of this unthinkable tragedy of loosing my dad and my brother soon after to Covid, life blessed us with the gift of seeing my mom’s and brother Will’s full recovery after also battling with the virus and pneumonia.  Those were some of my darkest days, because I couldn’t fathom anything other than a full recovery.  Seeing them in pictures right now and thriving after that horrible sickness, and talking to them on the phone, is one of my greatest joys these days... my source of strength at the moment.

I took a extra long shower this morning, after almost having to force myself out of bed, actually I did, I did force myself out of bed, but the hot water pouring down on my body helped.  Water is so healing, and renewing.  

Today, I am making a declaration of love and acceptance to myself.  To feel all the feelings, to cry when I want to, to rest when I need to, and to not be ashamed of my grief.  Grief is a very unique and a very personal experience, and no two people grief the same and we could never compare our situations or our burden of pain with others, because they are all so different.

One day at a time... 💙

Monday, March 15, 2021

After a long weekend of work, I’m enjoying a day off today with a delicious cup of coffee in hand. I already have two meals cooking for the day, one the stove and the second one in a crockpot, yum!!! Hearty meals for this (again) cold winter day in Chicago!

I was talking to my mom last night getting a recap of her first social outing yesterday since the covid pandemic started and she couldn’t have been happier, she loved it all!!! My mom was born with the gift of enjoying life to the fullest, she’s been that way since the day I can remember, joyful, always thriving no matter what her circumstances are.

When I was talking to my mom last night I don’t know how we got into the subject of my brother.  Oh, now I remember... 🥰

My brother didn’t own a car, he actually struggled financially a lot the last few years of his life, especially after his illness five years ago, but he never lost his interests for life and learning, he was ALWAYS learning something new.  My mom shared that from time to time they would order pizza from a local pizza place they liked that wasn’t awfully far from their house and my brother would offer to pick it up, by foot.  He would walk the many blocks and come back and when he arrived the pizza box would be missing a few slices.  The first time my mom asked “what happened?’” She knew he wasn’t the one to be eating “in transit” 😉 He responded “I came across a homeless person and I gave him a couple of slices.”  The second time and the third time and all the other times, my mom said, she didn’t have to ask anymore, she knew the pizza slices had gone to better and more needy people.  

And stories like this one about my brother we have plenty to share.  My mom is a walking treasure of memories of my brother and I can’t wait to see her soon so we can exchange memories, although that seems to happen easier for my mom, for me it’s still very hard, but I’m learning to find joy in the memories, little by little.

My brother Will sent me so many wonderful pictures of my mom last night, his love for my parents and for my mom right now especially has always been beyond inspiring! He takes such big pride in caring for my mom and my mom, really, couldn’t have a better guardian and caregiver, they are truly blessed with each other.  It made me happy seeing both of them enjoying themselves a little after experiencing such trials in the last few months.  Glimpses of hope... 

Today, I have my weekly appointment with my grief counselor, I’m really looking forward to it, I always leave feeling a little more renewed and recharged. 

Be kind! ❤️

Sunday, March 14, 2021

I’m sitting in our living room wrapped in a cozy blanket. It’s a cloudy day in the mid 30’s in Chicago and it feels really good to be home right now doing nothing.  Stan is watching a gardening show on tv and the girls are making dinner in the kitchen... ahhh, it sounds heavenly, it feels like that, it’s not always like that, but I’ll take all that harmony and peace and love right now, I need it.

At church this morning I was caught off guard by a church friend who approached me to offer her condolences about my dad and my brother.  She had been away and we hadn’t had a chance to see each other or to talk. I wasn’t expecting anyone “new” to bring up my loss today, and of course it was done out of love but it really made me realize how incredibly vulnerable I still am about my losses.  I’ve been trying to push through and to understand and make sense of all that has happened, but the truth is, it still hurts a great deal, and today I was reminded of that. 

As we talked, my tears started rolling down my cheeks uninvited and I quickly had to compose myself, sometimes I just wished I could let myself cry all I want in front of people, when I’m approached by friends or acquaintances and they ask “how are you doing?” Sometimes, I want to cry, sometimes a tear peeks out, sometimes, I say “I’m doing ok... better.” I smile and move on.  

Maybe I’m not ok, maybe it’s too soon, maybe there is no “deadline” for my I’m feeling better, things are ok, time to move on kind of a deal.  Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m being a burden to others, to family and friends, especially to friends.  I almost expect family to understand my pain, after all they also knew and loved my dad and brother, even if they didn’t know them and loved them in the same capacity or level. But, I do get very self conscious about burdening friends with my grief, and sometimes I wonder, “how long can they love me for who they’ve always loved me with my current burdens and level of grief?!” Maybe I need to stop questioning things, people, situations, LIFE. 

Today, the air has a taste of melancholy, maybe it’s the weather, we always seem to blame everything to the weather at our house. 😁

I’m journeying through life with so much more awareness lately, nothing feels the same, nothing is the same, but I am grateful for the awakening to this new “movement” of life appreciation, and knowing that our time on this earth is fragile, brief, not promised and most importantly an amazing gift that should be celebrated!!! 

May we always walk with awareness, choosing to be KIND to others among all things and to be gentle with ourselves. ❤️

Saturday, March 13, 2021

Exactly a year ago today life as we knew it changed forever.  The beginning of the official lockdown felt terrifying in a way, but now looking back, the shortage of toilet paper and empty grocery shelves and not being able to go anywhere for weeks at a time feels like a walk in the park, and I’d give anything to have all that back if it meant that our lives could go back to a pre-covid time, but that’s not possible.  Nothing can ever compare to the devastation of loosing family members to the virus, but life goes on, and we make our best to continue to live our lives with joy. One day at a time. 

Today was a really great day! The sun was shining so bright and even though I spent the entire day at work, it didn’t feel like work because we celebrated many joyful occasions at the church and things were done in harmony and with a spirit of teamwork.

It was uplifting to “celebrate” the one year anniversary of the lockdown.  It feels strange to say the word celebrate and lockdown together, but today felt like a celebration of sorts.  Finding joy in the everyday and seeing the extraordinary even in the ordinary will always be one of the greatest blessings in life, at least from my point of view. 

Today, I give thanks for my family who supports me and carries me through life.  For the ability to be able to purchase food that fuel my body and food that I want to buy, not only what I can buy, food that allows me to take care of my health.  I’m thankful for the gift of my daughters who keep me laughing and smiling (on most days 😉), and who remind me constantly with their joyful way of looking at life that our time here on earth is precious and sacred and should be celebrated.

I’m also so very thankful for the many caring people who reach out from time to time to check on me or approach me at church with a simple “how are you doing? I’m praying for you.”  I feel their love, their prayers and their blessings and they -without knowing- are carrying me through life during these days of more growing up and learning about life.

One year, SO many lessons learned.  Moving forward with a joyful and faithful heart... always. ❤️

Friday, March 12, 2021

I had a dream about my brother FINALLY and it was the MOST amazing dream I’ve ever had about any deceased relatives.  I’ve only had dreams about very few deceased relatives including my dad, and we’ve had a good number of family members that have passed away.  I wonder if it’s because I had a special connection and relationship with them?! I don’t know. 

The dream about my brother was so amazing that I didn’t want it to end.  I was at my house doing house chores or something and he casually walked in with the most beautiful smile on his face, looking so handsome.  I walked up to him and gently put my head on his shoulder for a brief second.  He looked so happy and well and in his mid 30’s, the years I remembered him as some of his best and most joyful years. He was wearing some type of light khaki pants and a light blue polo shirt. He was glowing. 

We started talking and he told me that when he left the physical world he felt saddened at first to have to leave, to have to leave us, that he wasn’t quite ready yet but that he was needed in heaven, where he is right now and that he understood the why’s, he didn’t question them at all for a second and that he was honored with the new mission he was entrusted there.  He also told me in the dream, that he had requested for a special visit with me, one where he would be able to visit me in the dream in the way that he did.  We visited in the dream for a long time as if we were both in the flesh, although I knew he wasn’t like the rest of us, he was glowing in a special way.  We talked... a LOT, and he shared a lot of things, a lot of amazing things. A couple of people entered the room (can’t remember who they were, family members) but the only one that could sense and feel his presence other than me was Daisy.

He said he had been really busy, and that he had many projects to do, that he had been entrusted to do that work, the helping others kind of work.  In the dream while we talked, I had visions of the many acts of kindness he was already doing for others and help he was providing from his heavenly dwelling, the people didn’t know where the help was coming from or why it was happening but I could see my brother’s hands at work, behind it all with his gentle and loving disposition.

He shared a couple of projects he had in mind for me to do with his help, also for the purpose of helping others.  In the dream he told me that our maternal grandmother was thriving and well and living her best life. 

I had felt my brother’s presence in different ways since he died, but I hadn’t had a dream about him yet and I was getting kind of anxious about it to be honest, I wanted to know so desperately that he was ok.  Even if I had asked for a better visit with him in my dream, there is no way that could’ve been possible.  The dream was amazing and our visit together was perfect.  We talked (I don’t remember much speaking, maybe none), it was the conversation where we were with each other and we were communicating in full sentences without saying a word, as if our spirits were talking, but we could see each other face to face, we were smiling the whole time.  It was the easiest conversation and most pleasant visit ever filled with love, hope and goodwill.

Last night I was visited by my brother, and I know in my heart that he’s happy and at peace, even though it hurt him to leave at first, but he’s full and well and doing amazing work where he is.

The most striking thing of this dream for me was seeing those visions of his hands at work helping others while visiting with me.  I have the sweetest, most gentle angel by my side, watching over me and guiding me through life, I am blessed! 💙

Thursday, March 11, 2021

“Right now, can you make an unconditional relationship with yourself, just at the height you are, the weight you are, with the intelligence that you have, and your current burden of pain.  Can you enter into an unconditional relationship with that?” 

~Pema Chödrön 

Life is about the journey, a lot happens during our growing up years, and right now in this moment of my life I’m really opening myself to experiencing fully all the feelings and emotions I’m going through, the external ones as well as the internal ones, and there have been plenty of both.  Life has provided me with plenty of opportunities for growth, especially lately, and I can sincerely say that my perspective on life, on relationships and the meaning of our being on this planet earth, has completely shifted and I think all for the better.  I will never be the person I once was, I will continue to be a joyful person because that is my essence, but I will certainly walk with more awareness and not focusing on the situations that drain my energy, life is too brief for that.

Michelle had a an appointment for a CT scan this morning and on our way there we drove past a forest preserve that somehow, something reminded me of my brother and as we drove.  Michelle and I are both huge ABBA fans and as we drove that forest preserve the song “I Have a Dream” by ABBA, played on the radio.

“I believe in angels

Something good in everything I see

I believe in angels

When I know the time is right for me

I'll cross the stream, I Have a Dream

I Have a Dream, a fantasy

To help me through, reality.

And my destination,

makes it worth the while

Pushin' through the darkness,

still another mile...”

I had my sunglasses on, I didn’t think Michelle would notice my tears.  Well, both of us are grieving, maybe in different ways, of course she noticed my “silent” tears.  Maybe that was a good opportunity for both of us to experience those tears and embrace the moment together and grow from it.

Grief catches you when you least expect it.  A word, a phrase, a memory... I’m slowly learning to welcome all those moments when they come, as painful as they might be some days.

I’m by a forest preserve right now, actually sitting in my car, the wind was getting too chilly for my lining, but I have my car windows down, I can hear the birds chirping and the sun is shinning in all it’s glory. I love nature so much, I don’t much I love many other things as much as much as I love nature, it makes me feel alive and ME.

I’m reading this wonderful book called “Finding Meaning” by David Kessler, and I’ve come across many treasures in every chapter.  One of his thoughts that has really made an impact on me goes like this: “each person’s grief is as their fingerprint.  But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed.  That doesn’t mean needing someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.” How amazing is that?! ❤️

On our 30 minute drive to Michelle’s appointment this morning right before the second set of tears started flowing, I became emotional all of a sudden, not the desperate crying kind of tears, but the ones that roll down your face unexpectedly because you just remembered something kind.  As we drove, all of a sudden and out of nowhere all the people that have been supporting me through my losses and grief recently and have been so incredibly kind with their love, prayers, meals, flowers, etc, came to my mind, it was like a parade of MY grief witnesses.  Those witnesses that have been lifting me up with their love and support without questioning anything or rushing me to see the silver lining of my new life.  I am so incredibly blessed with some of the most amazing human being in my life, I really am.  Sometimes when I look back and think about the many ways I’m which I have been supported, I am almost overwhelmed with love, what a gift that is.

Life is starting to feel a little lighter these last couple of days and I couldn’t be more thankful.  I’m learning that no matter how good of a day I’m having, there will always be reminders of my loss, our loss, but I’m gently learning how to welcome those reminders and memories and learn from them.  I feel pain, because I loved a great deal, and that in itself is a gift. 

Today was a good day, a kind day for my soul.  I’m going to enjoy the rest of my day off by watching a movie on the couch and drinking some tea.  Self care has taken on a whole new level and I’m loving it! 💛

Wednesday, March 10, 2021

It’s a cloudy and rainy kind of day, but it’s still a pleasant mid 50’s weather and I’m sitting on my front porch wrapped in the comfiest robe.  Yes, that’s right, I’m sitting on the porch with a robe on, I’ve got no neighbor “view” from this side of the house, and I couldn’t love it more. 

I’m starting to feel a lot better in the grief department.  Not that it’s gone, it won’t be for a long time or forever, but I know it won’t be in the same level. 

I’m starting to feel hopeful and joyful and that gives me great comfort.  I still get quite sad from time to time when I think of my brother especially, I think because he was young and had a whole life ahead of him, and of course because my love for him was (is) so pure and honest and real.  My mom’s model of faith and strength is helping me see my grief with a kinder perspective, I’m so blessed to journey through life with her by my side.  

Last night when I was in bed, I was texting with my brother about my mom’s birthday celebration, and it was a celebration, wow, he had the most amazing surprises for her and treated her like a Queen, the queen that she is! 🥰 Seeing all the pictures and the incredible LOVE with which he treats her inspires me, it always has.  My brother Will has always been the perfect child any parent would ever dream of, I’ve always said that.  He’s devoted his life to my parents and has put aside his own needs and wants to protect them and love them and make sure their earthly journey is nothing but the kindest and for that, I will always be grateful. 

I also texted briefly with a dear cousin of mine last night before I went to sleep, and it was the first time in a long time that I was able to laugh out loud! I was laughing so hard, I had tears running down my face, HAPPY tears! Stan asked “who are you talking to? What’s so funny?!” A real LOL moment! 

Then after we finished our conversation, I couldn’t help it but to think about those tears, the happy, joyful tears, and how my body and my brain processed them, so much differently than my tears of grief.  I love science, it’s so fascinating!!! 

I’m so loving this alone time on the porch, I could stay here all day, but there are things to do and places to be. 😉

I booked my trip to Arizona and Mexico to see my family and my heart is literally doing leaps and twirls of joy as we speak! Best part, I’m taking the train, my very favorite mode of transportation, I can already picture myself walking into the station, checking in, stepping into the train and hearing the engines warming up to depart to our destination... ahhh, the simple pleasures of life sometimes are some of the best gifts life has to offer.

May your day be kind, and may you have opportunities to be kind to others in return. 💛

Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Today is my mama’s birthday and I’ve felt her love for life all day long!!!  I’ve never met anyone else that embraces life and deep and joyfully as my mother does, her zest for life is inspiring! 

I called her first thing this morning, and I am proud to say that I was the first call of the day wishing her a happy birthday! 😍

When we were on the phone, her landline started ringing and she said “can you please hold? I’d like to get that call.” Of course, I said yes!

On the other line it was one of my cousins calling her to wish her a happy birthday.  She sounded so happy and joyful and I think I lost count of all the amazing and sweet things and blessings she gave him during their brief conversation.  Then, my cousin must’ve asked “how are you and Will doing?” to which my mom responded with “we are doing ok, accepting completely and fully God’s will, and our hearts are at peace.”  Then, she says “Maria has been struggling a lot, at the beginning she cried day and night, but she started seeing a grief counselor that has been helping her.  I think the fact that she’s so far away has been especially difficult and she hasn’t had closure.”

I was on the other phone waiting for her call to end, listening to the entire conversation with my cousin, smiling from ear to ear and then realizing how my mother in her love for me and her motherly intuition knows I’m in pain.  I have been very cautious not to cry (as much) with her, only at the beginning of our losses, and to disguise my pain when I’m on the phone with her, but she knows. She knows well what my level of pain is.  She knows my heart, she can sense the tone of my voice, I’m sure she even knows when my voice starts to break when I’m on the phone with her and I quickly mute the phone so she doesn’t hear that.  She doesn’t tell me that what she senses, but she supports me 100% and comforts me and loves me even deeper that she’s ever loved me before, and how can that even be? Because she’s my mother, a human being capable of INCREDIBLE love and commitment to her faith, her family and everything that breathes life. I am so blessed with her life in mine.

She’s had a wonderful day so far! My brother Will prepared a special breakfast for her and he is grilling my mom’s favorite steaks with all the yummy sides as we speak! A dear family friend delivered a huge load of balloons and a delicious cake for her.  The phone has been ringing off the hook and there is nothing that makes my mom happier than people calling the house and talking to her, she LOVES talking to people on the phone, and blessing them as they go.  My gosh, she’s amazing! 

Today is also my brother JR’s one month anniversary.  I’m starting to see a glimpse of hope and a light at the end of this tunnel that I NEVER intended to enter.  Today, I’m remembering my sweet brother for the amazing person that he was, and all the memories we were fortunate to build tougher and for that, I am grateful.  My friend, Father George stopped by the office today to check on me and to find out how I was doing, he is such an amazing human being.  A 95 year old priest, my friend, worrying about me and making sure I’m doing ok. I almost cried when he walked into my office and said “Maria, I’m checking on you”, but I didn’t, instead, I offered him a cup of coffee and we chatted for an hour.  Our conversation was so healing and he listened to me and we laughed and I teared up a couple of times, what a wonderful gift to have him as a friend! 

Today has been a good day, and I’m very thankful for it.  

We are celebrating my mother’s 74th birthday, I’m rejoicing in the memories I was blessed to make with my baby brother, I had a sweet conversation with Father George and my family and I just enjoyed a yummy and healthy dinner together.  One day at a time, one day at a time... 

My brother Will send me a few pictures of my mom’s day today and I was complimenting all the things he’s done for her so far and I said “wow, you outdid yourself!” to which he responded “she deserves that and a lot more!” ❤️

We have been blessed with the most amazing mother, an example of strength, faith and love for all those around her, and my brother is absolutely right, she deserves that and a WHOLE lot more!!! 

Happy 74th birthday to my sweet mom, may God bless her life with good health, days filled with joy, friendship, kindness in her life and all the most wonderful gifts life has to offer. ❤️

Monday, March 8, 2021

It’s another beautiful day in Chicago today and I’m really enjoying these spring like days, they make me realize just how much I love the sun and light and warmth. 

I’m sitting on my front porch sipping my coffee all by myself and my thoughts and I couldn’t love it more.

Yesterday, I went on an hour ride with a friend to get the best Chicago hot dogs, that’s right, an hour ride for hotdogs, but it was worth it!!! I think we both needed to get out, go on a car ride and not worry about too much else. We talked and we talked and we laughed a whole lot! Laughter, something I’ve been needing heavy doses of lately.  Our little “adventure” was so worth it and I’m so glad that we decided to do it last minute.  Medicine for the soul. 

Last night as I was putting myself to bed, I could feel the agonizing pain of grief creeping in, it’s not a very good feeling, actually I don’t like it very much... at all.  I never thought could be physically felt, I thought it was just felt through emotions and tears, but no, I’m starting to learn and understand through this unwelcome, unexpected and obligated “grief research” of mine, that grief after a few days and weeks of the initial stages, can be felt heavily in the physical body.  

I’ve noticed lately that when memories start to invade my mind and my heart (usually at night, how rude!) I feel my body tensing up, my muscles tingling a little and an overall crippling sensation.  Last night as I was starting to feel all those feelings, I got up immediately to search for my prayer shawl which was carefully put away in my closet.  Lights were off everywhere since the day was approaching midnight and the house was asleep, so I walking into the closet just feeling for it until I found it.  It’s the softest, most cuddly shawl.

I went back to bed, and before I covered myself with the covers, I carefully wrapped myself with the prayer shawl making sure my face was also touching it and feeling the soft material.  I could never fully explain the comfort it brought me and the peace it gave me.  A shawl, a prayer shawl, simple yarn knitted with LOVE and covered with lots of prayers by the knitter and the givers.  A shawl made for someone like me, for a person experiencing life challenges of some sort, a shawl with a mission.  I covered myself and I felt the love and the care of the hands that made it and the hands of the people that made sure I had one, to care for me and protect me with their love, care and prayers.  It worked in such amazing way, especially last night.  

I’ve seen many prayer shawls come and go in the church office.  I’ve given them to hurting friends, but I’ve never experienced the blessing of them.  Mine came from across the country, that’s how powerful the meaning behind them is.  Hundreds of people doing the work of love by knitting these beautiful prayers shawls to lift up others -stranger- in prayer.  How amazing is that?! 

Last night I became aware of the importance of grieving, the importance of allowing our bodies to feel the pain and the hurts we experience and instead of pretending that the pain isn’t there or rushing the process, to give it the time and the care that it needs.  Rushing things hardly ever works for anything.  Rushing things only creates mess.  If there is something we definitely do not want while experiencing grief is more mess.  Time, time, time. 

Last night I was blessed.  Last night I was reminded one more time that I’m not alone and that little by little and by doing all the good work of grieving, life will become meaningful and beautiful once again.  It already is. 💙

Today is a new day and by that I mean, I’m starting Whole30 again and I couldn’t be more excited!!! I had started my fourth round of Whole30 the beginning of January and I was on day 4 when I got the call about my dad falling gravely ill.  I couldn’t see straight, I couldn’t think right, and I definitely couldn’t even cook.  The short “eating right” detour that I was expecting took on a much bigger turn, and two months later after literally eating away my emotions and not helping me in the process, I’ve decided to take charge of my nutrition again and carefully care for my body in that way.  Food plays a big role in my life and what I eat is how I feel, and right now especially, I need all the good and healthy I can possibly get, so Whole30 it is. 🥦🌶🥑

May today and every day of this week be KIND to you and may you return kindness to others as well. 💛

Sunday, March 7, 2021

I had a good day yesterday, or as another grieving friend said to me a couple of weeks ago, “the day was kind to me.” I couldn’t love that more.  Grieving takes on words and phrases to a completely different level.

Yesterday I woke up a little later than usual, I was so tired from the days prior, my physical body was literally exhausted.  Waking up late and giving myself the time to peacefully brew myself a cup of coffee and drink it on the porch all by myself was an amazing treat.  I love my quiet and alone times on the porch, I treasure them. 

I went to work in the mid afternoon to do a few things, I almost contemplated working from home yesterday instead of going in, but the “going out” offers me a distraction and a change of scenery.  It was a good choice.

After work, I was gently reminded by my self care whisperer with angel wings that I needed to take care of myself today in some way, I almost didn’t, so I diverted my direction and off I went to get myself the most delicious turtle sundae.  After I ordered it, I found a parking spot in the sunniest area of the parking lot by some pine trees that were covered with beautiful birds, chirping and enjoying the weather.  I lowered the windows of my car to feel the spring like air and listen to the birds.  I ate half my sundae by myself, just sitting there and listening to the birds, nothing else, and then I called my mom for our midday/early evening chat.  We talked about all kinds of things and as I was sharing about a very special and beautiful letter I received in the mail from the Cardinal personally addressed to me offering his condolences about the deaths of my dad and brother, my mother says to me “we are so blessed!”  Her comment struck me at first, the idea of her recognizing blessings like that and being GRATEFUL to that level after recently suffering two incredible losses, she’s just amazing.  Even though I might still be struggling from time to time to recognize all of that because I’m still trying to make “sense” of all that has happened, her incredible witness of life and gratitude inspire me beyond measure. Yes, I AM BLESSED, by having her as a mother! 

Speaking of that letter, how amazing was that??? When I received the letter in the mail at work, I honestly put it on the side with all my other “to do” pile of things to do.  When I saw the envelope with the Archdiocese logo, I thought it was just another mailing with information related to the church, and left it there to open later.  Then, I looked at the envelope and it was not the regular size envelope, it looked different and it peeked my interest so I opened it only to find the most heartwarming letter and message addressed to me about my recent losses.  Cardinal Cupich’s letter certainly gave me a greater sense of peace and hope, and maybe the words I was in need of at the moment.  I don’t believe in ordinary coincidences, I’ve always thought that when things of that nature happen, God is in the centered of it all, guiding hearts and hands to do what’s needed, and healing our souls through them.  I guess moms are always right after all... we are blessed.  I just have to keep looking and paying attention to all those blessings with more awareness since my grieving journey is a unique one, as it should be, no two people grieve the same way. 

Speaking of blessings... 

My dad visited me in my dreams last night, I think he’s making up for all the missed opportunities to be together here on earth. 🥰 It was an awesome dream, I really think my dad is happy where he is, I really do!!! Every dream I’ve had about him, he is glowing, he’s so thrilled and calm and at peace.  Last night in my dream, my dad was in his mid-late 30’s I believe because I was around 3-4 years old.  He was sitting in one of his favorite metal rocking chairs we’ve had at home forever and I was sitting on his lap.  It was Summer time, my dad was wearing jeans, and a dress shirt.  I was wearing shorts and a tank top kind of shirt, my hair was short and curly and I was beyond thrilled to be on my dad’s lap.  I remember that being one of my favorite things when I was a child, I always felt protected in his arms.  When I was sitting on his lap in the dream, my legs were bent and he was holding me and gently rocking me back and forth, as if he were pacifying me from hurts.  In the dream I had the feeling that he was visiting with someone, although I couldn’t see that other person he was visiting with, all I could see and sense was my dad and I and the most wonderful sense of peace in the air.  My dad visited me last night and soothed my aching heart.  In my heart I heard the words “it’s ok, it’s going to be ok...” 

I’m finishing my cup of coffee in bed this morning, my body seems to be a lot more tire in the mornings these days and I need to let it rest.  Stan brought me a cup of coffee to bed before taking Daisy out to potty, how romantic! 😉 I’m really enjoying this quiet time and opportunity for rest.  I think I will have my second cup of coffee on the porch, it’s another gorgeous springlike day! ☀️

May today be KIND to you and may you also return kindness to others. 💛

Saturday, March 6, 2021

I’m sitting on my front porch, it’s a gorgeous 45 and sunny day.  I’m sitting in the sunny side of the bench, rays of sunshine reflecting on my face and warming up my entire body and I love it. ☀️

Let’s talk about yesterday.  Yesterday was a no good, not so good, “ugly” kind of day for me in the grief department.  Just when I think I’m making progress, a memory, a saying, a phrase, an “I need help with this... he’d know the answer...” brings it all back to me and I can feel the pain all over again as the day I got the call.  Ugh, the call.

I resourced to my mom for that question I needed an answer to, as it had to do with something liturgical.  My brother was a genius in every area, sometimes I wondered if his brain had a capacity for storing information.  It didn’t. Until it did. 

I called my mom and I said “I have a question, and I wonder if you’d be able to help me.” She hesitated and said “oh I don’t know how much I know about, but ask anyways...”. Yes, of course I got the answer I was looking for, but then I yearned for the “aftermath” of the conversation that usually a simply question like that would have taken my brother and I.  He was NEVER satisfied with black and white, he always craved for more.  He didn’t really look for answers, instead he loved to research and make sense of what the world was telling us should be the right answer.  That was my brother, always on a mission for more wisdom, for more truths, for more realness.  

Things, stuff that might impress the majority of us, didn’t impress him at all. Not because he didn’t care, or because he was jealous that someone else did and he didn’t, not at all, at the contrary.  He was so focused on his own purpose in life, his quest for always being true to himself and his ideals, that he didn’t even pay attention to other things.  I always really admired that about him.  Many times when I’d say “have you heard?” “Did you see this on the news...” etc... he’d chuckle the sweet, gentle chuckle of his and say calmly “sister, don’t pay attention to that... how was your day?! I was listening to a piece by Bach and if you really pay attention to the notes...” and he’d go on about the magic of art, life and intellect.  He certainly knew how to distract my distracted mind from worldly distractions (as repetitive as that might sound), the kind that didn’t need any of my good energy. 

Yesterday, I ended up cancelling/rescheduling two commitments I had.  I was struggling to get out of bed end get on with my day.  I knew I needed to listen to my body and rest.  With the first person I had to call, I was partially honest about it, I explained why I had to rescheduled, but I wasn’t honest about the true reason WHY I had to reschedule.  When it was time for me to respond to a second commitment I had to give an answer to, I was as honest as honest can get and I told that person the true reason why I couldn’t commit to what was being asked of me.  Both were amazing and supportive, and most importantly I was so proud of myself for recognizing after the first response I gave, that I needed to be more honest with myself about the pain I was carrying that day.  They both know me well enough and love me for who I am and know what I’m going through, so why was I afraid to show my vulnerability right away? I don’t know, but I’m glad I decided the opposite the second time around, it changed the course of my day. Baby steps are starting to have so much more meaning these days.  The journey might seem long, but it’s a journey worth walking and experiencing fully.

Speaking of yesterday.  A few days ago, maybe a week ago, my foot started hurting, my ankle part of it, out of nowhere, and for no reason, I really don’t remember how I might’ve hurt it.  Finally, I decided to make an appointment and get it seen and evaluated.  They took an X-ray yesterday afternoon and in the evening I had a follow up with my doctor.  No fractures, but it’s sprained, sometimes that even takes longer to heal.  Prescription?! Ankle bracelet and REST! As a friend of mine said to me last night, “could this be a ‘knock, knock, slow down, you need to rest reminder?’” I think she’s right about that and I’m going to listen to my doctor and my friend. Rest it is. ❤️

Today, I’m especially thankful for my mother, whose gift of faith and strength inspire me daily.  For my brother Will, who always has my back and cares for me and my family deeply.  For waking up and seeing that Michelle looks better and sounds better, also baby steps towards her healing and I couldn’t be more grateful.  For Stan, well because he’s Stan. And for Bella, whose cheerful disposition in the mornings and any time of the day, make our household and life just a little better. 

Today, I’m booking my trip to Mexico to see my family and I’m really looking forward to finally having a date for that awaited reunion. 

Enjoy today, be kind to yourself and to others. Peace. 💛

Friday, March 5, 2021

I know I have to get moving and my body is saying... “nah, you were up way too late last night, you need some rest.” I have never felt my body this tired before, it’s amazing was emotional exhaustion can do to your physical body. 

I could go on about how my day went yesterday, and how I fell apart at night, not because of the kind of day I had (it was a decent day despite the long day), but because memories seem to visit me at night, but instead I’ll leave that for another day or will skip it completely. 

Today, I’ll focus on the fact that my husband is simply an amazing human being.  Tomorrow will be 2 months since this rollercoaster that I will call “the day my life changed” started, and Stan has been nothing but amazing and supportive and generous and empathetic towards me and this new life.  We have gone through a LOT together in our years of doing life as a married couple, but certainly, this has been the toughest of them all and I have realized once again just how incredibly fortunate I am to have him in my life.

When I’m crying at night in bed right before we go to sleep, instead of saying “get over it”, he strokes my back and says “I’m sorry, sweetie.” And somehow, the pain and hurts feel a little better.  They don’t go away, they never will, but, his love and understanding is the best therapy I can have right now.

He makes me smile and laugh at random times of the day, and he’s not even trying.  He’s not doing it because “I need the laugh or the smile”, or maybe he is making an extra effort and he’s doing so lovingly, I don’t even notice.  He’ll text me funny stuff during the day that make me chuckle right at the desk, or wherever I am.  Sometimes, we text like high school friends, silly, dumb and “wait till you hear this...” stuff.  It’s pretty awesome and that brings light to my days, no question about it.

Stan is the king of planning.  He LOVES to plan stuff, big stuff, little stuff, but he is a dreamer and a realist at the same time.  

He is my biggest support system, the shoulder to cry on (literally), the smile on my face, the human I am most relying on right now.  

Last night, as we were laying in bed and a storm of memories flooded me, somehow my lips got very dry (tears can do that?!) I had forgotten my chapstick on the bathroom counter and without effort, he got up from bed, walked to the bathroom and picked it up for me, not without making a joke or two of course!  By the time I fell asleep, I felt as if I could take on the world once again because of his support.

I like mornings better these days.  Light, sunshine, new life, new opportunities, new beginnings... 

I know, I will eventually learn to embrace the solitude and darkness of the night, I know I will. Hope is magical and transforming, and it’s happening right before my eyes, in the morning and at night. Hope might not be move as fast as it’d like it to move, but grief and healing has no deadline, it happens when it happens, and I’m ok with that.  I’m learning a lot from this process, a lot more than I would’ve want to, and although I’m not happy about the why’s the lessons are being learned, I’m thankful that my heart is welcoming those lessons and learning from them all. 

Hopeful. Thankful... 💛

Thursday, March 4, 2021

Yesterday... what an interesting day. So much done, so much experienced, so many emotions, so much of everything.  My body was worn by the end of the day and then I found myself with a spinning head by the time I put my head on the pillow and I couldn’t fall asleep and the uninvited river of tears knocked on my door just as I was putting myself to sleep, but it was controlled without the need of tissues, if that makes any sense. One.day.at.a.time.

I had breakfast with a friend yesterday, a late breakfast because my body was demanding rest earlier and I decided to listen to it.  I’m glad I did, but I’m also glad I didn’t cancel breakfast because getting out of the house but something other than work, helps.  And it’s even better when it’s spent in good company and pleasant conversations, listening to each other.  The gift of friendship is such an amazing blessing, we don’t really focus on it too much, but we should, those are human being carefully placed on our paths to walk our journey of life along with us and viceversa.  

On a completely unrelated note, last night (when my mind couldn’t sleep) I was thinking about grief (of course!) and how society/social media in a way “frosts” challenges, pain, grief with heavy, thick layers of optimism and positivity.  I am not saying we shouldn’t be happy, and optimistic and everything good and fun, but pain, sadness, grief, challenges shouldn’t be ignored and put aside and even worse masked with a constant effort of covering the very difficult reality of facing grief.  Grief, loss, life challenges should be faced, dealt with, talked about and FELT with our entire beings!!!  The day I was thrown into this grief journey, I started learning the value of grieving, and the importance of allowing our bodies, hearts and souls time to heal. 

I will put music back in my car, when I’m ready.  I will dance at random times of the day again, when I’m ready. I will once again listen to the treasures of music and watch the movies my brother had recommended, when I’m ready.  When I’m ready... my new and favorite self care whisper.

Michelle’s appointment went well yesterday, and although she still has a bit of a recovery, I’m hopefully that she’s on the right healing track.  Now, on to deal with her nerve injury after wisdom teeth surgery.  Yes, an OMG is in order here!!!  I’m confident her soon she’ll be feeling a lot better and ready to start her adult life doing what she loves. Another, “one day at a time”, kind of chapter in our household.

I peeked at the weather forecast for the next few days and I didn’t see anything below 45 degrees, how amazing is that?! Bring on spring, I’m ready!!! ☀️

Wednesday, March 3, 2021

Yesterday, I attended a presentation at my church about the importance of attending to our soul.  We really don’t give our soul the importance that it needs, I think.

My friend, the speaker at this presentation said that she can picture the shape, texture (I think that’s what she mentioned) and even the color of her soul.  I’ve never thought about it that way, I mostly thought of my soul as the powers that carries through life and will keep my being for eternity. Now, I think that what she said is very deep.  If we try to picture what our souls look like; we’d be a little more gentle with it, wouldn’t we? Because it will almost make it more palpable, more real, and we are human beings drawn to the idea of seeing us believing.  Last night was great for many reasons.  I learned many valuable lessons with her presentation, I got a hug from her (lucky me!!!), I sat next to a friend that I deeply admire and who I identify my grief with to a different level.  NO two grief journeys are the same, not even for the same family members suffering the same loss, but I relate to her grief in a special way, and that brings me some comfort.  It’s a blessing to be able to speak openly about our feelings with people that have suffered huge, sudden losses.  It’s a different kind of differing, one I could never had imagined would be experiencing.  Last night was also great, because at that same presentation, I talked to so many wonderful people, gentle, caring, faith filled and honest people that love without boundaries.  I love my church family, I am so blessed to have crossed paths with them. 

Yesterday, was also a tough day for me as they all seem to be lately???  But I managed somehow.  I think I’m starting to master the art of treading and keeping my head above water, just enough so I can keep filling up my lungs with oxygen to keep going.  It’s a good thing, that’s progress even if it doesn’t sound or look like it. 

I was doing pretty ok yesterday, until I started journaling and writing about my brother’s shoe story, then I lost it and I went back to that “how can this be??? Someone, PLEASE tell me I’m in a bad dream.”  I cried, I wiped my tears, and went back to my busy day at work.  SO thankful for the distraction of work these days, or has been so crucial for me.

A dear friend dropped off an afternoon treat of donuts and coffee for me and it was just the pick me up I needed for my busy day of running back and forth all day.  Next to the coffee and donuts, carefully placed on my desk by my coworker after my friend stopped by the office, was a box I was familiar with.  A box that I knew had a bracelet inside.  My friend had also gotten me a bracelet that came in a similar box when my dad died.  I thought it was going to be the same exact design, same message which I had loved by the way!  My dad’s message in the bracelet I got for him reads “God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart.” So beautiful!!! I thought I was getting the same, but now for my brother.  Well,  I was half right, when I opened it, it was like the Hoover Dam had a very faulty leak that no one could fix.  I had to put myself “back” quickly so I could get back to work and tending to my office responsibilities.

The bracelet I received in my brother’s memore reads “your wings were ready, but my heart was not.” On one side of the outside the word “brother” is beautifully printed, and on the other, an image of wings.  Such a treasure. 💙

Michelle was back in the ER yesterday per Doctor’s orders with more female issues, that kid needs a break, a LONG break from all these health issues, praying they figure out what’s going on and soon.  She’s home now and feeling a little better after the meds they gave her and has a follow up appointment today, please say a few prayers for her if you can. 

Today, I decided to listen to my body and not rush out of my house, I have to be gentle with myself.  The extra time in bed and sipping my coffee without rushing helped a lot.

Today, I have my second appointment with my grief counselor and I am REALLY excited! Funny thing is, when I saw her last week and we made another appointment for today I thought “do I really need to go back? I pretty much talked about almost everything! What would I share next time, what kind of help would I need? What advice?!” Well, let me tell you, by the time I got home from work that evening I already had about a million things I wanted to share and feelings and emotions and advice I needed.  It turns out, I need a lot of help still, and a lot of advice and I am so thankful to have met her so she can somehow help me figure out all the feelings that I’m feelings. 

The sun is shining, and I’m looking forward to the day ahead. Have a lovely day, be kind to yourself and others. 💛

Tuesday, March 2, 2021

What a wonderfully sunshiny day it is today! I haven’t been able to be outside much but the little time I have, I’ve really enjoyed it. ☀️

Last night I had a really strange dream, or maybe it wasn’t all that strange, maybe in a way was something my soul needed.  In my dream I was in my parents home kitchen.  My mother was by the stove, my dad in his usual spot at the table drinking coffee, my deceased maternal grandma was sitting at her designated spot at the kitchen table when she used to live with us, and I was standing by the kitchen sink.  It was in the moment that we received news that my brother had died suddenly and tragically.  My mom and I turned to complete anguish.  My anguish was uncontrollable and desperate. My mom’s reaction was devastation and sadness.  My dad’s reaction and my grandma’s reaction (who are both deceased now) was, nothing but calmness.  They weren’t smiling, but they seemed at peace, just going about their “day.”  It was in that same moment, in my dream, that I understood that the only people really feeling so much sadness and loss and desperation were my mom and I, the “alive” ones.  The others were accepting and trusting.  Although the dream left me unsettled about the way my brother had died, it also left me with a feeling of “well, they seem ok, and at peace (my dad and grandma), maybe when my brother arrives, he will also be at peace.” 

I don’t know what all that meant, but dreams are powerful.  Trust, maybe that’s what I need to start focusing my grief on.

I promised I’d share a story about my brother. I have MANY, but this has always been one of my favorites. 💙

When he was in High School, maybe a Sophomore, he used to work at a pizza restaurant in the carry out area.  He saved and saved money to buy these fancy cowboy boots that were “in”, he was supposed to be wearing them for a school dance.  He finally saved enough money to buy the pair of boots and he kept them in a box in his bedroom awaiting the special day.  The day came, the school dance day, the “boot” day!  He got dressed - he was always so handsome - and he got ready to leave.  As he was walking out, my mother noticed that he didn’t have his special boots on and she asked him, “weren’t you planning to wear your new boots today?!” He said “nah, I’ll leave them for another occasion.” My mom didn’t give up and she insisted for she knew just how much effort he had put into purchasing those boots.  Finally, after a few interrogations he said, “fine, I gave them to one of my coworkers, his shoes were falling apart and I couldn’t stand seeing him wear bad shoes.” 

He gave him the BEST of what he had.  He didn’t go home and did for an old pair of shoes.  He didn’t go buy a cheap pair of shoes to give him. He gave him the best of what he had, regardless of how long it took him to save for it, or how many hours he had to work in order to get them.

That was my brother!!!  Jesús Ramón was the most generous human being I’ve ever known and he was humble about it.  He gave without expecting anything in return, he always helped those who needed the most help, the vulnerable, the forgotten ones, the ignored.  I’m sure he won’t mind me sharing this story now, I can almost picture him smiling. 💛

If he ever came across another human being in need, he was the Jesus that person needed.  I guess my parents picked a good name for him.

Maybe, I’ll go on by remembering all the amazing things he did on his earthly journey and eventually honoring his acts of kindness by doing acts of kindness myself, and my family.

Ahhh, how lucky are the angels and Saints and all our departed members of our family and friends who now rejoice in his presence and gently spirit of love and generosity.  I am so fortunate to call him my brother. 💙

Monday, March 1, 2021

What a day, what a day, what a day! Here I am at 10 pm journaling, but it’s ok, I’d rather do it late than not do it at all.  I’m finding out that writing about my day with the twists and turns, highs and lows is almost crucial for me, for my overall health.  So 10 pm, it is! ❤️

Today was a very hard day for me.  I don’t want to sound repetitive, but my intention from day one when I started sharing some of my daily thoughts here was to be as real and vulnerable as I possibly could, otherwise, what’s the point really?! 

I wonder if this happens to other grievers.  Identifying or recognizing signs of other people “moving on” too soon about the death of a loved one when you are still so broken inside about that loss.  I yearn for people that still feel that deep, excruciating pain I’m feeling after loosing my brother, after having so much loss in such short period of time.  I don’t want to hear “he’s in a better place now... they are in a better place...” that hurts, and I know people’s intentions are good, but when you are grieving, everything hurts.  Yes, I’m hoping they are happy and pain free and worry free, but when I hear that, the message I receive is “time to move on...” but I’ll never be able to “move on”, I am hopeful, and almost confident that I will soon again find meaning and gratitude in the times we had together and the lessons I’m learning from this, but I’ll never be able to move on completely, the loss, and the pain have now become part of who I am, that doesn’t mean I won’t go on living a joyful life, but the way I look at life has shifted for sure.

I wrote a letter to my family today. And by family I mean, Stan, Michelle and Bella.  I wanted them to know how I’m feeling, how I’m not able to fully be present in everything right now because I’m trying to stay afloat with the day to day of the routine of life, and because I need them to know that they have to be gentle with me.  I hesitated writing that letter, because I thought someone for sure might be “offended” that I could even think that they are not being considerate or sympathetic enough.  I was wrong.  They were great.  The letter was a HUGE step for me, and big leap of faith, and it gave us all an opportunity to try to understand each other better.

Grief is HARD, and it comes in many colors and it knocks on your door when you least expect it.  Rude, I tell you! 

Today, I cried a lot for my brother, a lot.  I woke up with the idea of sharing one of his act of kindness that always struck me growing up, but I think I’ll leave that story for tomorrow, I’m really tired now, grief wears you out physically. 

I talked to my mom briefly today a couple of times and also to my brother.  It makes me feel so good knowing that they seem at peace and calm and are finding joy in the everyday of life.  I am longing for the day I get to see them in person and I can hug them.  Not quite sure I’m ready to face that new reality, the “two members of our family are gone now” reality, but it will be so good to spend time together. 

When I walked in from work tonight, I saw a package that had come in for me.  I opened it immediately and it made me smile really big.  It came from across the country handled with care by four amazing human beings.  The words on the card were so sweet and heartfelt and inside the box was the most comfortable and cuddly prayer shawl made with love and sent with even more love.  I’m sleeping with it tonight, feeling their love and embracing my dad and my brother as I cover myself with it.  Symbols, rituals, acts of kindness.  All so important in our earthly journey.  I’m thankful for the many amazing humans in my life that accompany me through this painful path I’m walking right now.  It’ll get better it hasn’t even been a month.

Tomorrow I will share my brother’s story, one of hundreds I have. I’m still hoping he shows up in my dreams someday soon... 💙

Sunday, February 28, 2021

I’m laying in bed, not quite ready to get up yet, my body feels heavy and tired and I’m going to rest for just a little longer, maybe Stan will show up magically with a cup of coffee for me. 😉

Last night was another night of unrest for our family, my body, my mind, my spirit can’t take all that stress anymore, I’m starting to develop a certain type of post traumatic stress issues; either when I get a call from Mexico “unannounced”, meaning they don’t send me a text previously saying “I’m calling, everything is ok”, (if they insert a happy emoji, even better), or when Michelle looks in pain or sad.  My body goes into defense and survival mechanism immediately when either one of those two things happen, the brain is so powerful. 

We almost had to make another trip to the ER with Michelle last night, she’s still having a lot of post op issues and I’m praying that it all gets resolved very soon! 

GRIEF.  Grief visited me again last night.  Well, it never leaves actually, it’s a very impolite and stubborn guest.  Sometimes, it’s just a little more gentle with me, and it goes easy on my heart and soul, but not last night, last night it shook me and it awoken me and it reminded me that everything it’s still very much recent and fresh and with me, walking every minute of the day alongside.

I talked to my mom briefly yesterday afternoon, and then my brother called in the evening to chat a bit.  In our conversation he was sharing about some cleaning up and organizing he’s doing in the house, I think that after ALL that they have gone through in that house, in my parents house, in my childhood home;some cleaning up and organizing is in order, and it’s making them feel better too, at least for sure, it’s lifting up my brother Will’s spirit. 

For me, it’s different, I haven’t even been there yet since my dad and brother got sick and died.  I haven’t even had closure in walking in and “seeing” them in the memories they left behind.  Not that I’m looking forward to that pain, but I think it’s necessary in order heal.  

My brother Will mentioned a box of books from one of the books my brother had published that were still sitting in his bedroom.  I believe a handful of books had arrived with some errors and my brother JR had removed them from the “good” pile he had put aside for sale and promotion.  My brother was very meticulous about his work and so attentive to give only the best of his work, that I can almost picture him examining every single book when they arrived before they went to the bookstore or store where they would be sold.  Painful. Very painful conversation for me.  A very painful setting of events for me.  I had to mute the phone a few times so he wouldn’t hear my tears.

Someone other than my brother Jesús going through his stuff (because someone needs to do it) and sorting things???  Ugh, it can’t be!  I feel a strange tug in my stomach as I am writing this.  Why can life be so cruel sometimes? This doesn’t make sense... still, I’m praying that one day I will see the full picture of what happened.  It will never make the pain go away, but I hope that eventually the pain transforms into gratitude and generosity by the acts of kindness life will present for us inspired by my brother’s life and his love for nature.  I have to be patient with myself, for now, and I will allow myself to feel the pain, and taste the tears. 

Today is the last day of February.  I feel as if I’m closing a chapter.  The “the month my youngest brother died” chapter.  It hurts.  Saying goodbye to yet another thing that has made such an incredible, excruciating and important mark in my life.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot.

I will start the month of March, feeling my brother’s spirit, hearing his voice, picturing the warmth of his smile, and feeling his sweet embrace.  Goodbyes will not be something I will practice, because the memories of my loved ones will accompany me for the rest of my life.  They will be with me in the conversations we had, in the books I read, in the music I listen to, in the physical things they left behind.  

My stomach might feel like I’ve been punched, but my soul is whispering... we are here and we love you. 💙

PS: Stan didn’t show up with a cup of coffee, but she showed up with even a bigger surprise, a breakfast sandwich he picked up on his way home from church this morning, which I enjoyed with my morning coffee. 🥰

📸: the loviest of coffee cups with the picture of my dear childhood family of five, delivered by a sweet friend yesterday. ☕️

Saturday, February 27, 2021

What a lovely, sunny day it is today. ☀️

I’m sitting in the front porch of my house all by myself.  I have a cozy sweater on and a blanket over my lap.  It feels like Spring and I’m loving every moment of this amazing sunny and low 50’s weather.  I’ve even gone for two walks already, one by myself and one with a friend, and both walks were glorious!!! ❤️

Yesterday was an interesting day for me.  I cried twice while sitting behind my desk at work, and then cried again while talking to a friend, my tears sneak up on me these days when I least expect them.  Although, it might not seem like progress, it is.

I didn’t cry last night after talking to my mom and I didn’t cry in bed before falling asleep, something I’ve been doing spontaneously and without fail every day since my brother died, and many, many times since my dad got sick and my brother died.  Sometimes, I think to myself... is this really my new reality?  It is, and although the last two months have felt like the darkest, deepest, muddiest forest I could had ever imagined to experience EVER in my life, I have grown as an individual and human being more than I have in my entire life.  Grief can do that. Life will never be the same, my perspective has changed, but that part I am fully embracing, life seems richer now if that makes any sense. 

Yesterday, I had a very good conversation with my mom, we talked for one entire hour, I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but it was.  It was a well spent hour because it was really late at night and I was just coming home from work and I was tired and I knew my mom would be going to bed soon and I didn’t want to keep her up and tire her, but she didn’t mind it and neither did I, we needed each other, we need each other now more than never .  It was an awesome hour on the phone with her, because in that hour we covered a lot of “territory” in the grief and doing life after loss department that is, we have been very honest with our feelings and where we are at in our own journey.  She inspires me. 

My mom is amazing. She simply is AMAZING.  Her strength and faith inspire me beyond measure, and every day I don’t know how she does it.  She is not only legally blind, but she just lost her husband and her youngest son within a three week period, and still she celebrates life and finds ways every single day to rejoice about the simple pleasures and blessings of life, like feeling joy about my high school friend and her sisters stopping by last night for a short social distanced visit to drop off some chocolate bars for her and say hello to my mom.  My mom was beyond thrilled, she said to me last night “they are so sweet and so kind.”  

My mother was born with a heart that is always ready to give thanks and the gift to recognize every blessing in her ordinary and extraordinary days.

Today has been a very special day for me, and I will forever keep this day in my heart.  The day was greeted with sunshine - sun always seems to make things better - and sweet friends stopped by my house for a visit, an embrace and to let me know that I am loved, prayed for and cared about.  My heart feels their love. 

Something interesting has been happening to me lately.  I am starting to recognize my brother’s presence, kindness and generous heart in the generosity of others.  I can almost feel him journeying with me every day, and I am starting to talk to him as if he were next to me, because I know he didn’t abandoned me, he’s still with me, maybe even in a bigger way.  Some days, I cry when I talk to him, I really miss him, but I also feel his presence blessing my every step and that helps my healing process.

As my mom and I shared last night, his works of generosity are just starting, and the future looks bright and I cannot wait to see who he would send our way in need of help.  He helped people in need when he himself needed help, and he gave unselfishly... ALWAYS.  He never talked about it, but I was a witness to many of his good deeds.  He was born a giver.  Some day, I will share a handful of his many acts of kindness.  

The amazing David Kessler said recently, “Each person's grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn't mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.” 

I am thankful for MY own witnesses, the people who have felt my pain, carried me through my grief, loved me and haven’t tried to reframe it or “fix” my grief.  I am learning so much, and I feel more and more thankful and blessed with each passing day... 

Michelle is making chili for dinner tonight, she’s still not feeling the greatest, but I think she’s making progress.  We are having movie night tonight and Stan is picking up Oberweiss for dessert.  The simple pleasures of life, oh, how we have to live them fully and embrace every one of them.  Thankful for my every day self care whispers. 💙

Friday, February 26, 2021

I’m barely on six hours of sleep, I had a very busy day yesterday but that busy day also gave me many opportunities to experience joy, and I’m thankful for that. 💛

We celebrated my boss’s birthday at the office yesterday, mainly known for mango as the Pastor of the church where I work. 😉 It was such an amazing day of celebrations and a joy filled day, I’ve always loved celebrating birthdays, it’s such an honor and huge blessing to be able to say “I’m welcoming one more year, bless me God and walk this journey with me.”  We have been beyond blessed at CHS having Father Jeremy as a Pastor and I couldn’t be happier for his leadership, his faith, humor, and for the opportunity to work side by side on many projects at the office. Yesterday was a great day to celebrate his birthday, but also, to give thanks for his presence at our parish and parish office. We are certainly blessed. 

Yesterday, too, I had the opportunity to record a children’s book series we have on the YouTube channel at the church called “Story Time.”  We had taken a pause for at least one week - I actually think it was too - since my brother died.  On Wednesday I called my friend and storyteller to say I was ready to do the filming again.  I have to start slowing getting back into the things that hurt... my brother being a children’s book author, always loved listening to “Story Time with Miss Joyce.”  He was the first one to send me a text or voice message with a comment and always a praise about Joyce’s ability to share the stories.  He really admired her.  Yesterday, as we started this week’s episode, I wasn’t expecting tears, I was mainly just looking forward to filming this new story and uploading it for others to see, well, apparently, I’ve learned nothing about grief just yet, or at least, not enough.  The moment she started reading the book, images of my brother came to mind and I could literally picture his grin and hear a chuckle and even hear a sweet and funny comment about the snowman talked about in this book, or about Miss Joyce’s storytelling style.  We always loved talking about that, every week.

It wasn’t long after she started reading that my tears started flowing, I’m learning that my tears have ZERO manners, on most days, they come uninvited and unannounced.  I think I “disguised” them well, and I tried my best to push them back.  Not here, not now, I thought... keep it together, Maria! Do it for “Sneezy the Snowman” at least.  I hope my brother enjoyed the story time yesterday. ☃️

Soon after that I met with my dear friend Kathy to record an invitation for a presentation she’s doing in March at church.  You know how some people make your heart melt a little even by just watching them enter a room or hear their voice? That’s her for me and I am SO blessed to have her in my life.

We went on with our “business” and recorded a brief introduction about the presentation she doing in a few days, and then all it took was one simple question or comment that made me think of my grief and the deep, deep pain I can’t “shake off”, and there goes again, my uninvited tears, that seem to be very available these days.  Thank you??? I guess! Tears have been very healing for me, so I guess, I’ll gladly welcome them from now on. 

I’ve been feeling lonely at home lately and almost resentful if it makes any sense.  I feel as if everyone has moved on too quickly from their sadness (not that I want them to be sad for a long time) and they don’t anymore feel the deep, excruciating pain I’m still feeling for the losses of my father and brother.  I know they understand MY pain, I hope they do at least, and I know they love me and want the best for me, but grief is so personal, and so unique and so intimate that it makes you feel lonely at times.

I have to keep reminding myself of what my grief counselor shared, “everyone experiences grief for the same person differently, because they loved them differently.”  Deep love, deep grief, and that’s the journey I’m walking right now.  Still deep, deep in a dark and muddy forest trying to find my way out, but keeping on going even when my feet feel heavy and my soul is worn, because the light that is carrying me out of that dark and muddy forest is the light inside of me, and I trust it more than I trust anything else.  

“From Joy I came, for joy I live; and un Thy sacred joy, I shall melt again.” Yogananda 

A friend gave me a gift card for Dunkin Donuts and today I decided to sip my coffee in a little, quiet corner of the coffee shop, there is no one here, all customers seem to be driving through and I’m loving it, all I can hear is the happy work conversations of the employees and even that’s making me smile.  

I’m journaling and reading a new book I purchased yesterday about grief.  I’m loving and embracing every word.  Whatever will heal my soul I will do... drinking coffee, reading a book, going for a walk, meditating, crying, talking to a friend, being alone.  The healing process has just began. ❤️

Thursday, February 25, 2021

Lately I’ve been trying to listen to my body a little more.  To pay more attention to ME, and let my body somehow, someway begin a healing process.  A healing process that I never thought could be felt so heavy.

There are other things troubling my heart and soul right now, but I’m focusing my attention for the healing of one hurt at a time.  Life became overly complicated all of a sudden, and even thought I’ve always known in the “back of my head” that we have very little to no control over situations in life, I’m learning now the hard way, but at the same time, God and life has provided me with some pretty amazing human beings to light the way for me, and professionals to guide my healing.  In the midst of all the heartache, I do feel very, very blessed.

Yesterday, I had my first ever session with a counselor.  A counselor that specializes in grief support.  In all the years of my life I’ve never sought the help of a counselor, not that I haven’t needed it, I think we all do from time to time, and now, I think I’m loving it to be honest.  I’d like to say that I left my meeting feeling a lot lighter, but that would not be true, however, it helped a LOT, and she gave me excellent advice, things that are already helping me and more than anything she validated all the feelings I’m feeling, that part was my favorite, because I was starting to feel like there was something wrong with me that I just couldn’t “snap” out of it quick enough.  

Why are we so hard on ourselves???

I won’t be sharing all the things we talked about of course, as for they are private and I want to keep them tucked in my heart, but one thing that really resonated with me was when I asked all afflicted why I was feeling a deeper pain for the loss of my brother over the loss of my father and I felt guilty because I loved my father also.  And she simply and calmly said “we grieve different for different people because we love different.”

I had a very special relationship and bond with my brother and that makes the pain so much harder and it feels as it will last forever.  I’m sure it will, I just pray that it won’t with the same intensity.  One day at a time.

Last night I had a dream. I didn’t dream about my brother, but it was a dream related to my brother.

I had a dream that my mother had written my brother a long letter about all the things she wished she would’ve said to him before he died and she couldn’t because we were separated and kept away due to Covid.  There were at least two or three pages, and with capital letters, she wrote some of the things he admired about him.  Although I couldn’t see my mother writing it, or even holding the letter she had written to my brother, I could sense peace in that beautiful practice and display of love.

I might do that myself.  It won’t be easy, but I think I might just try it.  I’ve done many other very hard things in life before.  My brother’s love and joyful spirit will guide me through it. 

Yesterday, I took an important first step in my healing journey, and I am so glad I did.  For now, I will continue to listen to my body, to honor my body when it feels tired and exhausted from carrying all that grief and the stresses of the world, to walk away from situations that serve me no good, especially now, and to take care of ME.  I need this now more than ever before and I am so grateful that my brother the “self care advocate” of our lives, left me with all those tools to continue my journey of life, my journey of love and a joy filled life.  I can do hard things. 💛

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

In four short days February will be over, and I’m glad in a way.  Although, the experiences we lived in this month of February will forever be engraved in my heart, but I’m ready to do a little more rejoicing, and it’s not about “moving on” at all, I don’t believe in that, I don’t even like that. I think certain experiences should always have a special and sacred place in our hearts and souls no matter what lessons they taught us.

I’m sitting in my very favorite spot in the kitchen, but a big bay sort of window, the sun in coming in and the house is so quiet you can hear a pin drop. LOVE!!! ❤️

I love happy noise and activity, but I fully embrace the quiet and stillness of my life.

Yesterday I experienced a rainbow of emotions.  I had a very busy day at work and we had some celebrations in the office, and I fully enjoyed that.  One of the things that make me the happiest is celebrating birthdays and special occasions, life has to be celebrated, and celebrated fully and well. I enjoyed it all.  The errands, the setting up and decorating, the food, the cake, the conversations and laughter and even all the work I was able to accomplish after that.  A very good work day!

Then... I got in the car to go home at night and something very minimum ignited all kinds of feelings and grief knocked on my door one more time.  I was supposed to be picking up ice cream on my way home for the girls, I had promised, and by the time I pulled up to the ice cream shop, I could hardly keep myself together.  “Snap out if it, Maria!” I said to myself.  I did it like a professional actor.  I did, long enough to pick up my order and then the moment I got in the car again, waterfalls again, phew... I never knew my body was capable of crying so many tears.  My grandmother’s middle sister who never married and who I adored, would say to us kids when we were little “stop crying, you’ll run out of tears...” that always made us smile.  I’m sure, psychologists these days would probably deeply analyze that, but for me, it was pure love, it was her way of bringing joy into our then sorrowful moments.  It worked every time. ☺️

Well, shockingly enough, apparently I was born with a VERY generous amount of tears, and I’m using them shamelessly now. It’s ok. I’m glad they are there to comfort me.

On a positive note, I have been following my youngest brother’s advice that he gave me all the time to take care of myself, to always remember that self care is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and every day, I’ve found a way to do that, even if it’s something as simple as what I’m doing right now, sipping my coffee in the quiet of my house and journaling.  Self care, whispers from above. 💙

Today, I have a counseling session to talk about my experience with grief.  I have never had a counseling or therapy session in my life before, I don’t know why, because I’m sure I could’ve used them in more than one occasion, funny how we don’t always give it the importance it requires.  I am really looking forward to this in person session, and praying it will soothe my soul in some way, I’m sure it will. 

Looking forward to a new day of opportunities, a conversation with my mom later on, and a text exchange with my middle brother, who I couldn’t be more proud of right now.  His joyful and helpful spirit inspires me.

I am blessed! ❤️

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Today marks the two week anniversary of my brother’s passing in the early hours of the day.  I didn’t wake up crying, I did wake up missing him and thinking about him a lot, but I didn’t have that devastating river of tears that has been so suffocating for me in the last few days.  I’m grateful. ❤️

Yesterday, I got my first shot of my Covid vaccine, the second one is in a month, which means, I’m a step closer to being able to visit my family in Mexico.  Maybe, that’s why I’m feeling a little “lighter” today, and a little less sorrowful.  Not that the pain has completely gone away - think that will forever stay in my heart but will transform with time - but because the vaccine gives me the hope and the opportunity to be able to celebrate my dad’s and brother’s lives in Mexico with my mom and my brother Will, and place our loved ones in their resting place.  I think that will be of comfort for all of us, I’m sure of that. 

Today, the sun is shinning in all its glory and I’m really loving looking at it! I’m craving light, and sun and a little more warmth.  My brother JR was a huge advocate for self care and for searching your own happiness, and today I can feel him in the warmth and light of the shining sun. 

Aside from the “what would Jesus do?” saying, I have a new saying, “What would Jesús say?”  My brother would say “sister, enjoy life, be joyful, embrace nature, take care of yourself.” 

And that’s exactly what I’m planning on doing today to honor him, to honor life and to honor me. ☀️

Monday, February 22, 2021

“Is he really dead?” 

“Maybe he’s resting somewhere, trying to recover from the ordeal of caring for my dad when he got sick.”

“Maybe I should check my texts, maybe he sent me one???”

Those are all the things my mind was communicating to my heart. How cruel! 

Before then, I had come across (ok, I didn’t ‘come across’, I purposely looked for it - BAD idea!) an email my brother had sent me about some projects he was working on, and I physically felt my heart punctured in some way. Emotional pain, translated into PHYSICAL ache.  Our bodies and brains are so incredibly powerful. 

All my talk about my brother doesn’t mean I don’t miss my dad, of course I do, and I embrace every memory but it’s SO different.  I came to terms with his passing in a different way, in a more peaceful way, he had lived a longer and fuller life, he had completed his mission. 

Deep down, I know my brother completed his earthly mission as well according to life, according to the faith I so firmly believe in, but my humanity is fighting that, I hope one day I will come to terms with that with more awareness and in a more peaceful way.  One day, I will share what my mom shared with me a couple of days ago, about how she believes and feels in her heart the way my brother prepared my dad for his passing, and how my brother prepared my mother for his.  An incredible witness of faith. 

I spent almost the entire day yesterday in bed, in my pajamas, taking care of myself, but mainly, because I didn’t feel or have the energy to do anything else.  I barely ate, I did eat, but I’m finding out that grief can even take hunger and cravings out of the foodiest person... me!  I did manage to have a couple of cups of coffee which is good, because I hadn’t even had the taste for that.

It think it’s interesting how I keep thinking about all the things my brother didn’t get to accomplish, all the books he didn’t get to publish, all the things life “cheated” him on, but then I think, “I bet he’s not thinking about ANY of that! In fact, he’s not even worried about any of it for one second, because he is a peace, and peace is filled with calmness and deeper awareness and understanding of life here on earth and above.”  I just have to keep envisioning him that way, at peace, a peace so deep and so pure, only angels can feel. 

I’m learning that avoiding the grief and loss we feel and experience has a cost, and that if we acknowledge it and truly feel it and embrace it, it’s healing for both body and mind. 

For now, I’m yearning for the day when the sun will come out and stay and it will be 70 degrees out so I can take long, nature walks where I can feel a little closer to the people I love and whose physical presence is no longer with us.  I have always appreciated nature, but I will never look at it the same way again.

Nature is the greatest gift given to us in this life and it needs to be celebrated with more awareness and appreciation.

One day at a time... ☀️

Sunday, February 21, 2021

I’m sitting in a quiet corner of the living room, no noise is coming through, expect for a very gentle flow of water from the kitchen where Stan is washing some dishes.

Bella is relaxing after a very long school day of projects and homework and Michelle is reading while she rests her body.  She really hasn’t had a chance to rest properly after surgery, we went from one emergency to another and them complete chaos in a short amount of time.

As strangely as it may sound, life seems to start feeling a little less excruciating.  I only cried once today, actually twice.  Once after a conversation I had with my mother, the second time, after I talked to a friend about sorting my emotions.  Both tears were healing and I’m glad I was able to move on after that.

Two pretty incredible things happened today.  

I received an Amazon delivery this afternoon sent by a friend, and of course I had no idea what it could be.  I opened it eagerly as a child on Christmas Day, to find a beautiful book of poems written by Mary Oliver.  The cover?! Human hands holding a bird and spoon feeding it.  Amazing in SO many ways! 

As I’ve shared before, my brother Jesús was a huge advocate and protector of animals, bugs, and wild life were his favorite.  Birds always amazed him in so many ways and he (I know it might sound weird) had a special relationship with them, yes, that’s right.  Birds seemed to follow him as if they knew they were safe by his side.  He fed them, gave them water and spent time with them... birds in nature, flying free.

When I saw the cover of the book I was struck with amazement and I immediately felt my brother’s presence.  An “I’m still here with you” tap on my shoulder delivered by some Amazon delivery person.

I randomly opened the book to whatever page my index finger would guide me.  I mean, not my index finger, my guardian angel. 😉. The book has 455 pages of poems, below is the poem gifted to me today. ❤️

The slippery green frog 

that went to his death 

in the heron’s pink throat 

was my small brother,

and the heron 

with the white plumes 

like a crown on his head 

who is washing now his great sword beak in the shinning pond

is my tall thin brother.

My heart dresses in black

and dances.

—————

Death, birds, small brother, tall brother, a shining pond, a grieving heart and a joyful soul. Simply speechless. 

Another AMAZING thing happened today, something that I see as new beginnings, a time of renewal, and a time to embrace joy... again.

My parents and two brothers had the tradition of grilling on the weekends.  Steak, homemade fresh salsas, grilled onions, quesadillas on the grill and roasted corn.  A tradition I always felt a little envious of, but that I always celebrated with them because it made me happy seeing them so happy together, feasting on some of their favorite foods.  I could picture them in the kitchen prepping the food, and then my brothers and father by the grill making their steaks and chicken and whatever they had.

It’s been almost seven weeks since my dad got sick and life and their routine at home forever changed.  

Today, my brother Will and my mom revisited their weekend tradition of making salsas, preparing the meat for the grill, roasting the corn and enjoying an afternoon of delicious food, only this time for a “party” of two.  When I first saw the pictures my brother sent me of their food, and everything was two of this and two of that, I will have to admit that I cried, how could this be their new reality, but you know what, my mother and brother fully enjoyed preparing this meal, sitting at the table just the two of them and celebrating life once again.

Today, a bird showed up again to reassured me that our loved ones are still with us, and today; a new beginning and rebuilding of life started at home again, continuing traditions, adjusting, but most importantly, feeling joy for the gift of life and the memories they are blessed to continue to share with each other. 

Thankful for today, for the physical rest I allowed my body, for the fewer tears that were healing, and most importantly foe the peace that my heart is starting to experience.

Little by little, one day at a time. ❤️

Saturday, February 20, 2021

I’ve always been honored to call myself a “church lady”.  It might sound funny, but the name comes wrapped with endless blessings. 

Today will be a day to be remembered for the rest of my life and my family.

Today, we celebrated the lives of my dad and youngest brother with a beautiful Memorial Mass.  It was a beautiful liturgy, touching readings and prayers and the most beautiful homily by our Pastor reflecting about the mystery of death, our faith and the love we keep in our hearts and minds from our deceased loved ones.

Being a “church lady” has given me the opportunity to attend endless of funerals.  I think it’s so important to be part of funerals, to show up in some way and be presents for our family and friends experiencing grief.  I’ve always been a guest, taking a back seat, just showing support.  Today was different.  Today, our family sat upfront, the place where the grieving family of the deceased (in this case two people deceased) sits.  It felt surreal, we were the protagonists of this not so pleasant experience, but the Funeral rituals, all of them, brought me a huge sense of peace and some closure and for that, I’m extremely grateful.

I keep thinking about the Mass and it makes me smile picturing ALL those people that walked in one by one.  Friends, families, young adults, children, parishioners and non parishioners, Catholics, non-Catholics, and overall, the best group of caring people you could imagine.  In that hour of the Mass, I felt so loved, embraced by the warmth of my friends and family and reminded once again that I am not alone, and that I am very fortunate to have had the father and brother I did.  

This morning I woke up extremely anxious, I threw up on an empty stomach actually, not a pretty sight.  I felt so extremely overwhelmed by the thought of this Memorial Mass, picturing the faces of my father and brother on the memorial table where cremated remains are usually place:  I felt overwhelmed and trapped in my own body.  Instead of getting in the shower, I wanted to call Sister Marianne and tell her the Memorial Mass was off, I couldn’t even think to bare the fact that I’d be facing that great challenge today.  I got strength somehow, paddle through, got in the shower end got ready to face our new reality.  The reality of sending off my dad and brother, but it was done in the most amazing and special ways and for that I feel so blessed! 

Each of my girls did a reading and prayers at church and Stan shared words of remembrance which were so touching and beautiful with an amazing family!!!

Something special happened to us today.  Aside from the beautiful Mass. When I got back from running a few errands after the Mass, I came home to find a beautiful pink pouch on the counter.  The girls shared that the day my brother died (February 9th) they ordered three angel necklaces symbolizing in honor of my brother.  Today, 11 days later on the Mass of his Memorial, those necklaces arrived! How amazing is that?!  I know my brother is with us, he’s looking over us, protecting us, interceding for us and blessing us.

Tonight, as I put cards away, and walked passed the dining room to go upstairs, I took a glimpse of the pictures of my father and my brother and the waterfalls started again. 

I’m just new in this territory called grief, but I am sure it’s all part of it.

I don’t know when I will be able to feel more like myself again, but I’m giving myself the grace to feel all my emotions I need to feel, until this new life we are living, feels a little bit more normal. 

Tonight, I’m thankful for the gift of faith, the gift of loving family and friends, and especially for the opportunity to honor their lives in such holy and loving way.  We are blessed and deeply lovers. ❤️

Friday, February 19, 2021

Go gentle on yourself, go gentle...

This morning I woke up and immediately went looking for memories on Facebook. Why do we do that to myself, especially now? It’s like I wanted to find something that reminded me of my brother but at the same time I didn’t.  Well, I went looking anyways, and sure enough, the most wonderful memory of him showed up, him playing a beautiful Bach piece at the keyboard.  Ok, probably if I were to shared this with him about the video I found he’d say “SISTER, that’s now Bach, it’s... one of the most talented and amazing composers... did you know that he...???” And he’d take off from there.  I apologize to Bach, or any other amazing composer and/music connoisseur, this is probably not Bach, but what do I know, that’s why I had my brother, to go to him with these questions. 

When I watched this video I was still in bed, and although a tear peeked through my eyes, I mainly felt paralyzed by seeing my brother in the flesh, alive, well and thriving, I didn’t cry a whole lot, I just felt like I couldn’t move, grief it’s a strange feeling of awareness of your whole body, mind and soul, I never knew what grief meant before. 

I got up to get in the shower, thank goodness I have to go to work where I can be distracted and thriving in a way too. 

Something interesting and spontaneous happened to me this morning.  Every day for as long I can remember, decades and decades, after I’ve showered and done my hair and maybe put on some make up, and just before I turn around to leave my bathroom where I’m getting ready, I look at myself in the mirror, smile a big smile at myself (yes, you heard it right!) and kind of say to myself “you’ve got this!” And then I go on with my day.  A practice, I’ve practiced for many years, that I’ve never shared with anyone before.  I always do it in the solitude of my own personal space.

I haven’t been doing that for days, not because I’ve purposefully avoided it, it just didn’t occurred to do it because I was too distracted with having enough energy to shower and get dressed and go on with my day. 

Today was different.  I showered, got dressed, did my hair and just before I left the room, I looked at the mirror and smiled at myself.  Not planned at all, it just happened, and it almost shocked me.  It wasn’t the usual “Maria big first smile” of the day, the kind I’m always so proud of because it always makes me feel pretty and happy.  This smile had a tint of grief, but a smile nonetheless, and perhaps that smile is the light that is trying to sneak in through the cracks of my soul, as a reminder that there is beauty and joy to be had even when we are walking through an imperfect life (in our human eyes) with many ups and downs.

Baby steps, gentleness and patience seems to be the best recipe for moving forward right now.  

Thankful for the gift of joy and faith that has carried me through life and which I know will continue to hold me by the hand. 

Today, I smiled. ❤️

📸: my cup of coffee, a new scented candle to elate the senses gifted by a dear friend that reads “Optimism.”  Meditating and breathing in and out as I sip my coffee and watch the light radiating from the candle. 

Thursday, February 18, 2021

It’s almost 9 pm, I had my cup of coffee in bed this morning, well, more like on the afternoon, I couldn’t really function this morning, grief overwhelmed me o so many levels, so I decided to stay in bed until me body and my brain decided to cooperate and then I worked from home. 

Today is day 9, how can it be? I was thinking today, that maybe my sadness is not so much about ME, and how much I miss my brother, (of course a lot has to do with that), but I think mainly my sadness and heartbreak is because HE didn’t get to continue to live and enjoy life and work on the endless projects he was working on.  That is what I’m most sad and angry about.  But then, maybe I shouldn’t be, death, the afterlife has to be the most peaceful place and state where none of that matters, sometimes that brings a little bit of comfort, just enough to keep putting one foot in front of the other every day.

I need the snow to melt and the sun to SHINE, I think that will help too.

Michelle had a follow up today for the surgery she had a couple of weeks ago and on the way home I completely had a crying breakdown because she is still struggling and not feeling too well, and I just want ORDINARY, BORING days, that is all, I’m not asking for a lot, I’m barely asking for anything at this point. 

As we were driving and it was getting darker and we were driving through some wooded areas I said to her “I wouldn’t be surprised if we hit a deer right now!!!” Of course she said “mom, we are not going to hit a deer.” I wasn’t too sure about that.  Good news... we didn’t. 

A few awesome and amazing things happened to me today, to our family, and I’m thankful for the gift of being able to embrace and recognize those blessings even in the midst of all this turmoil.

I was talking to my mom this morning about everything and anything and somehow our conversations always end up in “what did you have for breakfast? What are you having for dinner?” Or a food conversation of some sorts.  My mom then says all happy, “your brother LOVED Chinese food, he could’ve eaten it every day.”  I never knew that about him actually.  

Not long after our conversation ended, I received a text from a friend saying “we want to treat you and your family to Chinese food for lunch today.” She sent me the link for the restaurant and asked to choose what we all wanted.  My fortune cookie had a message that said “your luck is about to change this month.” Not sure I believe in “luck”, especially not in the real significant moments of life, but hey, I’ll take it, I’ll take any good wishes and fortunes right now.  Only good, positive vibes from now on PLEASE!!!

I had a project I was working on for Lent for the office since last night and today after many frustrating attempts, I succeeded right on time for when I needed it, I was beyond thrilled!!! I had to call my mother and share the happy news.  I’m actually kind of glad to be journeying through Lent right now, my soul needed that comfort, the comfort of knowing that I’m never alone in my suffering and that is a great promise. 

Our day ended with a sweet knock on our front door tonight from a friend delivering the most beautiful gift, with a heartwarming card and the story about behind the gift written in that card.  It’s so special, I’ll have to dedicate a full journal page to it’s story sometime soon.  Beyond touched by the generosity of so many.

On our way back from Michelle’s doctors appointment we were blessed with a beautiful sunset, lucky to have stopped at a red light so I could take a picture and reflect on the gift and majesty of nature. 

As my mom reminded me today, “one day at a time... one day at a time.”❤️

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

Today, Catholics around the world marked the season of Lent by putting a cross on the forehead with ashes, inviting us to repent and believe in the Gospel.  

Faith has proven to be a huge commitment.  Faith almost sounded romantic before, easy to a certain way, maybe I just didn’t really know the real meaning of faith until now.  I’m faithful, I’m very faithful person, I actually always felt very proud calling myself faithful, except right now being faithful HURTS, it hurts a lot, but I’m trying, I’m trying very hard, but it still hurts like heck.  

St. Teresa of Calcutta said the following about Lent in one occasion. 

“As Lent is the time for greater love, listen to Jesus’ thirst … He knows your weakness. He wants only your love, wants only the chance to love you.”

I have been journeying through the wilderness of Lent since January 6th, today is day #44 to be exact since my became ill, and to the day my brother died.  I wish I could say “but who’s counting, right?” I am!!! I always will, I think, maybe not with the same intensity and anguish. 

I have decided to take the next 40 days of Lent as an opportunity to reflect on the Calvary I’ve been living for over a month now, maybe it will offer me a time of renewal and I will feel lighter and more at peace come Easter time.

There are many things I want to do to honor the life of my father, and especially my brother’s life since his absence feels so raw, but I can’t do it yet.  I need to get to a point where I can think about him without weeping, without feeling like someone sucked the air out of my soul. 

Today I had another question for him, a liturgical question, but I couldn’t ask him. We’d always get into these big debates (healthy debates) about how we felt about things related to the church, or politics and stuff like that.  I wanted to tell him about how Ash Wednesday went at church today, I know we would’ve engaged in the longest of conversations and we would’ve stayed up until the early hours of the next morning chatting until I had to tell him, “I have to go to sleep”.  He’d said “ok sister, descansa.”

Today, I appreciated all the people that came to church today and reached out to offer their condolences, a short story about their own journey with grief, some of these people have suffered great losses, and still, they have been able to continue to celebrate life and life joyfully (on most days).  They inspire me.  I look up to them now more than ever.  I don’t understand their level of grief, I will never feel what they feel, just like they will never feel what I feel, but I somehow feel a deeper connection with them.

When Bella was little one of her friends that loved cats, said to Stan once during a carpool drive “hey Mr. Stan! I speak cat!” Haha that always tickled Stan and he still remembers that.

Well, I don’t speak “cat” with my friends, but in a way I feel like I quickly learned how to speak “grief”.

I think grief has made my soul a dwelling place, but I’m determined to make good use of that grief, and find a bigger purpose and meaning of life, focused on the things both my father and my brother were such huge advocates of, helping others.  Both, in their own ways. 

Life is just as Mulan would say “Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.”  So many mysteries, so many questions, so much uncertainty, but yet, in the midst of all that, joy remains, and I’m thankful for that. 

I took a picture of one of my coworkers today for his birthday so I can share it on social media tomorrow and I can truthfully say that I found joy in that short glimpse of happiness.  He said to me “Maria, how can you have energy and be happy about doing this?!” I said “because joy is the fuel I need right now to keep me going and life still has to be celebrated...” so we did just that, celebrate life. 

One day at a time, one joy at a time.  In my new dictionary that’s equal to “self love, self care”, and I’m working on doing just that every day, until the day that I can go on with my life for days at a time without shedding sad tears, but instead can joyfully and happily remember the good times and the things he taught me, which were many. Lessons from the heart. ❤️

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

It’s almost midnight and I’m just sitting down since early this morning. Being a “church lady”, the day before Ash Wednesday means a long to do list, it’s a BIG day for Catholics, it’s not just about getting a cross on your forehead, it’s way more than that.  We are reminded of who we are, to repent and believe in the Gospel and also a personal invitation to continue our journey of faith in deeper awareness.  I was thankful for every minute of distraction today that kept me focused on things other that... 

Speaking of awareness.  Today is my brother’s one week heavenly anniversary.  Yes, one week.  I will be celebrating and honoring every day of his absence, every week, every month, every year until the day I take my last breath here on earth, until the day we are reunited again.

I only cried four times today and it wasn’t a desperate cry of affliction, it was more of a “darn it, I miss you, I can do it, right? Help me brother! I can’t do it on my own.” That kind of cry if it makes any sense at all. 

Today, I met with my dear friend Marianne to plan the Memorial Mass for my dad and brother this coming Saturday.  I’ve seen her meet with an endless amount of families over the years planning funerals.  My job has been usually to greet those families, tell them how sorry I was for their loss and ask them if I could offer them a glass of water or coffee perhaps.  If I knew them well, I’d offer a hug. I love hugs.  Hugs are healing. 

Today, I sat in that same room, across from her, just like the many grievers do.  Today, it was my turn, I never thought I’d see the day.  Closing the door, and sitting down to choose readings and songs and talk about my dad and brother, was both healing and painful.  

I never knew love could hurt.  I’m learning that love hurts like he@&! LOVE that is real, love that is unique, love that is pure, hurts a lot when it’s gone.  My body feels as if it had gone through a battle field.  It’s wounded, except nobody can see those wounds, they are covered with clothing and make up and a flat ironed hair.  My wounds are disguised, but they are so very there. 

Today I had a question for my brother. He was my “to go” person whenever I had a question about liturgy, or Spanish grammar, or I simply needed to know how to better say something church related.  My fingers wanted to reach out for my phone and text him but I couldn’t.  

I had a sweet conversation with my mom today and she talks with such ease and love about my brother, that it gives me hope that I will one day get to that level of acceptance.  She’s simply amazing.  My brother Will and I are immensely blessed with her life and presence. 

This experience has also made my brother Will and I become closer, much closer and I actually love that.  He’s a much reserved guy, but he loves with all his heart, and I’ve always admired that about him. 

Something really interesting happened to me today, well, maybe not so much interesting but special.  My brother Jesús was a HUGE advocate for self care, my mom even reminded me of that.  He always said to me “sister, you have to take care of yourself...” and whenever I was having a bad day or didn’t have much time for myself he’d say (in a teasing but serious 😉 way), “go get Chipotle! You love Chipotle!” And then he would chuckle and tell me some story about his own chipotle runs when he was here in Chicago, we always laughed. 

Today, as I was sitting at my office desk working on many things, I received a text from a dear friend saying “I’d like to treat you and your family to Chipotle tonight for Fat Tuesday, email me your order and let me know what time you’d like it.” 

This might sound a little absurd, but I smiled with every bite I took of that burrito bowl. I smiled, and I also shed a few tears.  Maybe it’s me choosing to see him and to feel him in every moment of the day, but deep down I really feel that he’s gently nudging me as of saying “chin up, we’ll get through this, just keep taking care of yourself.” 

I don’t know what it is, I don’t know many things, I only know that HE for sure would be gently carrying me through life with his love and concern if I were to be going through a great deal of hardship and grief if he were around. 

UGH, I don’t like any of this.  It’s tough, it’s harder than I could ever imagine, but I am so thankful and so blessed by the people that are lovingly walking beside me in this dark forest.

One day at a time.  One minute at a time.  Breathing in, breathing out.  God with me, God with us showing us the way. 💙

Monday, February 15, 2021

Well, I managed to get out of bed around 2 pm today.  I forced my body to move, to feel the ground and get nourishment, the coffee and toast type of nourishment. That’s all that sounded good to me today and that’s what I had.  Ok, I just finished a chocolate bar too that a friend dropped off the other day, that was tasty too. 

I was just listening (again) to yesterday’s homily by our Pastor on YouTube reflecting about the time when Jesus went down from the mountainside after the Sermon on the Mount and a man full of leprosy approached him asking him to heal him. Jesus did and made him clean again. 

In a strange way I’ve been feeling like a leper lately.  In the midst of so much grief in the world, so much sadness and so much despair due to Covid, isolation, separation, loss, I have been a leper to those around me, to those who love me and instead of people running away from me because they don’t want to be “contaminated” and afflicted with my grief and sadness, I have encountered Jesus Himself on all those of who have reached out.  Every person that has sent a meal, that had called or texted or sent a note or a donation or a letter and has made me know with their love and kindness that they are HERE for me, despite the sadness I might be able to transmit to them.  In this case, there is one leper and many healers.  In my grief, I have been funny aware of the love and care and awareness of others during this time. I don’t know for how long I’d feel this agonizing level of grief, but I am hopeful and faithful that I will be healed and made new again.  I will forever carry the pain with me wherever I go, but today, I’m feeling a little bit of hope. 

My brother was a huge nature lover, he loved nature and animals as much as he loved life itself.  He was a protector and a lover above all.  He saw God in the wild, the unprotected and the neglected.  He was a helper.  Just a few days before my father got sick he sent me a picture of my parents back patio, he said “look, they are waiting for me, I feed them every morning, they know I’ll be coming.” These were wild birds, literally tens and tens of them.

My brother was a protector and a helper.  He especially helped the vulnerable and the unprotected, like these birds.  They could count on my brother’s compassion and love. 

I hadn’t share that story with anyone. 

My cousin sent me a message this morning.  Her dad, my dad’s youngest brother is hospitalized with covid right now.  She said she woke up yesterday and heard the sound of many birds outside her bedroom window, and right away she thought of my brother Jesús Ramón, she looked over to the window and what does she see but nonetheless than a Cardinal looking right in. A messenger of peace. She said “I knew I had to share that with you, I felt his presence today.”

Birds.  My brother loved birds, the wild and free kind of birds.  He loved nature, he protected it. He was a big advocate for nature and wildlife.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about birds today and my own connection to them through him.  My doorbell just rang a few minutes ago and when I opened there was a fruit arrangement on the ground sent by friends.  I picked it up, opened package and the first thing I noticed was a white chocolate covered piece of fruit in the shape of a dove.  A BIRD.  A messenger. My brother keeps showing up in the most random and unexpected ways, he’s everywhere, he knows my pain, he knows my tears are a sign of my deep love for him, and I know he will continue to walk beside me for the rest of my life.  I was his protector on earth, I always went to his aide when he needed me, he is mine now, in an ever more profound way. 

I love you, brother. Stay near me, please. 🕊

Sunday, February 14, 2021

Today is my dad’s one month anniversary. I feel like he’s been “cheated” on a little and neglected of the opportunity to be mourned and missed.  We had so much turmoil right after his passing, that all of our efforts were focused on my brothers and mom’s illness and then on my brother’s passing and the grief and sadness and death of my dad, had to be moved to the “back burner.” 

Today has been a very tough day for me, I actually haven’t even left my bed all day, pathetic I know, but I have to be patient and kind to myself.  I’ve been working from my bed all day, I’ve worked all day, which has been a great distraction for me.  Thank God for having a job that I love and keeps me motivated. 

But I’m not going to talk about my sadness today, I’ve done enough of that already, although I’m not promising that I won’t again. 😉

Today, I’m going to talk a little bit about my dad instead.  About his kind and generous heart and most importantly, about his humble ways. 

After his death family and friends have been sharing about moments of grace and generosity they experienced with my dad.

Three cousins on both sides of the families (my dad’s siblings and my mom’s brother in law who happened to be one of my dad’s best friends), shared about how my dad was so present in the lives of their loved ones in the dying days, during their dying hours.  When his loved ones were critically ill, and then actively dying, my dad would get on a bus to travel miles and miles to be by their side and help them in any way he could, and make sure they knew they were loved and cared for.  He did the same for family and loved one in our hometown.  My dad stopped driving in his early 70’s, but transportation was never an issue when he wanted to help someone.  He walked the miles both ways and made sure that he was present for his friends in their dying moments.  My dad was a man of few words, he preferred to go unnoticed, but he had a heart of gold.  

One of my cousins shared that every time my dad would leave their house after visiting their dad, when my uncle was on his dying bed, her brother would go out to offer my dad a ride only to find my dad walking home already with tears in his eyes, sad about his friend and not being able to do more for him.  My mom has shared endless stories with me about the grief my dad carried after loosing my uncle, his best friend. 

Another cousin shared with me recently about the time when his own father, my dad’s youngest brother became critically ill with a heart condition and later died at the age of 65.  My dad left our hometown by bus and traveled for 10 hours to be by his brother’s side at the hospital, keeping him company and helping him in any way he could. My cousin said that they would say to him “Tio Fero, go to my house to rest, and eat,” and my dad would respond, I’m not leaving your father’s side until he leaves this hospital with me.  They would bring my dad food and whatever he needed to the hospital so he could be by his brother 24/7. 

My mom shared a few other stories similar to those, of my dad keeping watch by his loved ones dying beds, neglecting himself of sleep and food at times, but making sure they knew they had him by their side.  That was my dad.  Quiet, some of an introvert, but a gentle, loving heart. Always wanting to help others, when he could hardly help himself. 

God rewarded his good deeds at the end of his earthly journey.  Although my dad suffered at the end of his life from his sudden illness, he had the greatest blessing of having my two brothers day and night by his side. They never left him alone.  They kept him company, they helped him shave, eat, they played his favorite songs on his earphones, and shared stories with him.  My youngest brother, prayed with him endlessly, blessed him and we were even fortunate enough to be able to find a priest that could assist him with the sacrament of the anointing of sick.  My youngest brother shared with me that when he placed a scapular over his head, my dad smiled the biggest smile.  I am certain that my dad died peacefully and was greeted by angels and martyrs and all of those loved ones that he assisted so lovingly during their dying moments.

Happy one month heavenly birthday, dad!  We love you, please guide us on our earthly journey and pray for us.  Pray for me, I need all the prayers I can get. ❤️

Saturday, February 13, 2021

Today was quite a day, I don’t even know where to begin.

I woke up in a state of somber again today.  The moment I open my eyes is like the Niagara Falls are overwhelming.  I actually developed some type of dry, red sore on the sides of my eyes from crying, I didn’t even know that could happen. I’ve been nursing it with eye cream, but it hurts. 

This morning I had an appointment with a priest friend to get some of the feelings I’ve been feeling lately, out.  I had so many questions, and I needed answers.  I thought I knew almost everything about church and faith, I guess your perspective changes things when you are grieving.  I almost cancelled because I couldn’t stop crying, and I didn’t want to show up the way I looked and I felt.  I texted and said “fair warning, I’m a bit of a mess right now...” he replied, “come as you are.” That was enough for me to allow myself to be completely vulnerable and accept the help I went looking for, myself.  I’m glad I didn’t cancel my appointment.  I’m glad I showed up.  I’m glad I wasn’t embarrassed of my feelings and my emotions and my tears and my questions and my doubts and my anger and everything I was feeling.  I’m glad I was listened to and guided through my pain.  I still have a LONG journey ahead in my healing process, but this meeting helped me a whole lot, end I even felt my body a little lighter after the time we spent talking.

GRIEF.  What a profound feeling.  I heard it many times before. I never really experienced it.  I wish I never had, but now I’m welcoming the lessons it’s teaching me.  I will never, ever look at life the same way.  I will walk through life in full awareness and appreciation for everything, starting with life itself, my family and the unconditional love and support of friends that with their tender loving care are helping me heal my wounds. 

Today, I also had an amazing conversation with a friend who has experienced great loss recently.  Loss and grief too hard to comprehend.  It was actually comforting knowing that someone understood my level of grief, my doubts, my anger and the nonsense that sometimes surrounds our lives.  We talked for two hours straight and we could’ve talked for more.  We cried a lot, I hope some of our tears were healing.  It will take time, but I’m thankful for my friendships through grief, it’s a different type of connection, it’s raw and it’s real. 

Going to work today and working from home helped me a lot!  The distraction is great, I don’t know how I could go on if I didn’t have that type of distraction. 

Today friends showered us with food and treats, it was such a great blessing. The doorbell rang on and off all day pretty much, from the tastiest homemade BBQ ribs and mashed potatoes and veggies, with cake and DQ coffee to later a huge pizza and frozen yogurt with fresh fruit for everyone at home.  It was nice to be able to sit at the table as a family and enjoy dinner together.  There were spontaneous tears by my girls remembering their uncle and talking about emails and messages he had sent them, and how amazing of a light he shined in the world, and then of course, I cried seeing them cry and Stan shed a few tears too remembering my brother, he loved him dearly too.

Two of Michelle’s best friends dropped off a BEAUTIFUL flower arrangement and the sweetest sympathy card, also a get well gift for Michelle. It really humbles me to see the kindness of my girls’ friends and their own awareness and empathy for our grief and what we are going through. What a blessing that is.

We still miss my dad of course and sometimes I feel guilty not talking about him so much because my brother’s loss feels SO excruciating, but I’m honoring his life just as much in my heart and in my mind.  I have to continue to give myself time, and grace and learn to be patient.

I don’t yet know when I’ll be able to wake up and start another day not feeling a deep, heavy sense of loss about the absence of my brother.  I hope I get there sooner than I think it will happen.  It hasn’t been been a week yet, I have to be patient with myself. 

My mom and brother said to me today they were worried about me.  They checked on me a few times during the day.  I don’t mean to worry them, but I think my pain and grief is so much deeper because I haven’t had closure of any kind.  Being so far away and not being part of any of their goodbyes, has been heart wrenching.  This coming Saturday, we are celebrating their lives with a memorial Mass at the church where I work, and although I know it will be very painful for me, I’m hopeful that it will help me have some closure and begin my healing journey.

Sometimes we have to do tough things in life, and this is one of them. 

It’s almost midnight and I’m hoping to be able to get a good night sleep.  Hopefully I won’t cry when I wake up in the morning, but if I do, I’ll gladly welcome my tears, as they too, speak of the great love I had for my dad and brother. 

Good day. Good night. ❤️

Friday, February 12, 2021

I’m sitting in the kitchen, staring at the memorial tribute little corner I created for my sweet brother on a desk counter of the kitchen and thinking many things. I’ve cried a lot today, I thought the tears would be subsiding by now, but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case.  I never realized how fast I almost had come to terms with loosing my father.  Yes, I miss him a LOT, and I’m sad that I won’t ever have another conversation with him, but he lived a long and good life.  My brother, not so much.  He still had a LOT to give to the world, to himself and to us, he was snatched from our arms and we didn’t get a say in it, not even a goodbye.  His death hurts a lot and will hurt for as long as I can breath, I hope the pain will lessen with time though. 

I managed to get in the shower today, cry a little more there, showers are great for healing the soul, and then get dressed to go to my office to work on a few things.  I cried a lot there too, every time someone asked “how are you doing?” but I’m glad I got that out of the way, it has to be done.

I enjoyed my coffee today in a beautiful coffee cup my sweet friend Lisa and her daughter Alaina dropped off for me yesterday in a beautiful care basket with all kinds of self care treats, from lotions to chapstick (she knows I love them 😍), to flowers and all kinds of amazing things.  I’m actually treating myself to a spa day tomorrow with all the fun and perfectly hand picked things. I’m looking forward to that.

Today, my mother shared with me that my brother JR used to always greet her in the mornings with “I love you” in Chinese.  My brother LOVED the language and knew it well.  She didn’t know that today we celebrate the Chinese New Year, what an amazing coincidence, I almost felt my brother’s presence through her sharing on this special day.  To make it even more special, our friends the Herman’s who have been almost literally holding us by the hand and guiding our dark days with their light and love and care during this horrible ordeal, dropped off Chinese dinner for us tonight so we could also celebrate and be worry free as far as dinner goes.  It was the first time in many days that our family was able to sit down at the table together and eat, and talk, and celebrate the gift of being together.  Stan said the table blessing before we ate, and tears inundated his eyes as he gave thanks and asked for blessings for our family and friends.  This has touched all of us in a deep and unique way. 

Oh, I can’t forget a delicious box of cookies kindness of one of Michelle’s sweetest friend and her super sweet boyfriend who I met a few months ago.  Every time I open a box of cookies, or candy, or meal or card, or whatever it is, I know it comes wrapped with so much love and care and I bless the hands and hearts that took the time to do that. 

It’s midnight, I just finished working, catching up on the days I haven’t been able to be present at work, but this work distraction was good for me.

My brother sent me a text that I saw just as I was logging off from work and it just said “what are you doing? Got a minute? Call me!” My heart DROPPED!!! I told him, never, ever to be so to the point like that again, to start the message with “everything is ok...” I can’t take it anymore.  And yes, everything is fine, he wanted to catch me up on all the errands and paperwork he took care of today for my dad and brother.  Paperwork doesn’t have deadlines, no matter how deep in grief you are. I’m thankful for my brother that he’s doing that, while working and taking care of mom as well.

Another day survived in grief land, my new dwelling place, that I’m learning to welcome and learn from it and it’s allowing me to find grace in the midst of it all.  I am thankful for the sparks of wisdom that show me glimpses of hope. 💛

Wo ai ni, baby brother! I love you, and I miss you even more. Send us your peace and your blessings. 

Thursday, February 11, 2021

Today is my mom’s name day, today is the day of Our Lady of Lourdes, my mom’s name is Maria de Lourdes, which happens to be my full name as well, but ever since I came to live in the US I decided to keep and go only my first name so it’d be easier for people to address me and pronounce the name, Lourdes is a little more complex in pronunciation. But my name of Baptism and the name I connect with myself will ALWAYS be, Maria de Lourdes, and I couldn’t be more proud of it. 

Our Lady of Lourdes is the Roman Catholic name of the Blessed Virgin Mary venerated in honor of the Marian apparitions that occurred in 1858 in the vicinity of Lourdes in France, not too long ago if we think about it, not even two centuries ago, my grandparents’ parents family lived during that time.

My mom has always loved celebrating her name day, even more than her birthday I think.  I mean, she loves  celebrating her birthday too, she has always loved a good celebration, but her name day has always been extra special to her.  

My mom’s aunt, “Tia Ita”, who was my grandmother’s middle sister, never married.  She lived a pristine and honorable life her entire life, I remember going to her house for breakfast, she loved making us breakfast, we would sit at her kitchen table that was pushed against a wall with a with a big window facing the patio.  I can still smell the toasted bread and eggs, see her bugambilia trees and hear the birds outside, I remember those days vividly.

Why am I telling a story about “La Tía Ita” now? Well, because Tia Ita was always the first person showing up at our house for my mother’s name day when we were growing up.  She was always so impecable, and so elegant.  I remember the taxi pulling up (she never drove), and her getting out of the car so elegantly, carrying a perfectly wrapped gift in her hands, greeting my mom and sitting down at the kitchen table to chat and enjoy maybe a cup of coffee and sweets.  Every year in the day of Our Lady of Lourdes, I think of her. 

Although I’m far away from my mom right now, I’m wrapping her with love and many, many blessings to last a lifetime, and by lifetime, I’m hoping at least a century.  My sweet, loving and faithful mother deserves an ocean of blessings and love. 

And I won’t share about anything else here right now, because I want to honor this day celebrating the gift of her life which has blessed so many along the way. ❤️

Wednesday, February 10, 2021

You don’t want to know where I’m sitting, what I’m looking at, or how I look.  It’s not pretty, but it’s real. Not every day comes with a pretty and quiet corner of the house looking out at the “pretty” snow outside my window and meditating.  I have a better word for those “too good for people grieving” sentiments right now, but I’ll keep it to myself.  

Will the pain of loosing my brother ever go away? Will at least be more bearable? I know what he would say to me if I went to him with this predicament, “cry all you have to cry, sister.  Cry, scream, be mad, don’t apologize for it and be good to yourself, take good care of yourself. Go for a walk, eat something delicious, journal, do the things that make you happy.”

Those are exactly the things he would say to me, it’s like I can almost hear him.  Every time I’ve experienced pain and disappointment in my life, he was the first person I went to for advice and he never ever made me feel ashamed about my feelings, instead, he encouraged them, but he above all, he always encouraged me to find joy in life, to look after myself and to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, like a cup of coffee, my journaling and food, he knew what I loved best. 

Dear brother, I promise you that I’ll continue my quest for all things joyful in life eventually. In the meantime, in the happy place that I know you are right now, please pray for me, pray so that I find peace in your absence and the void of your sweet, gentle end warm embrace.  I will carry you with me wherever I go, forever, until we are reunited again. 💙

Tuesday, February 9, 2021

Tuesday, February 9, 2021.  The worst day of my life.  A day, I will never be able to forget. Not only the day, but the raw feelings and emotions my entire body is feeling. Soul, heart, every square inch of my physical body.  Pain I never felt before.  Grief, that took over my entire body; I felt the grief of loosing my brother even in my teeth, yes, my TEETH, imagine that.  I thought all of my teeth would fall off, that’s how much my teeth and my jaw hurt on and off during the day today. 

Wait, what did I just say??? Loosing my brother? Yes, that’s right. 

SO unfair, so not right, I’m sorry brother that this had to happen to you, you didn’t deserve it, not for one second. 

I’m angry, I’m very angry.  I’m sad, I’m very sad too.  And I’m scared.  I’m scared at the thought of never again be able to feel joy the same way I did before. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why the good ones??? I guess, we will never know, or maybe one day we will. 

My brother Jesús Ramón leaves a HUGE, IMMENSE, BIG void in our lives, but the only consolation I have is that he knew how much I loved him.  We talked every day, and often.  Nobody could ever make me laugh as much as he did.  He had brains of a genius, he was a genius, he was also the softest and sweetest and kindest person and I was a good sister to him.  He called me sister.  He never called me by my name. SISTER.  I will make sure I write that name often and everywhere and I pray that as I do, I feel his love. 

I hope that the moment his soul left the body that carried him through his earthly journey, a big, huge and happy group of people that loved him here on earth, starting with my father and my grandmother, were there to greet him. Free of pain, free of despair, free. 

I will always love you brother, ALWAYS! ❤️

Monday, February 8, 2021

I’m sitting in the living room all by myself.  Michelle has gone to sleep, she’s been really tired lately after surgery.  Bella is playing some computer game with a friend and Stan is making lunch for tomorrow. 

I’m feeling many feelings tonight.  I’m tired in so many ways, and a little sad that we haven’t been able to do life as we always do at home, things seem to be so chaotic and so out of sorts right now. I like structure, discipline, organization, there is none of that these days, my mind is in too many places at once and I can’t seem to get the energy I need to get things “together” when I get home from work, all I want to do is do nothing. Oh well, I guess that too shall pass.

Today, Stan’s nephew and his sweetest wife (they just married last July), knocked on our front door and left, Amazon style. 😉 We opened the door to find two gift bags, greeting cards, a HUGE pot of homemade mushroom soup and a super large container of freshly made and delicious lasagna.  One gift bag and greeting card was for Michelle, the other for me. One card in memory of my dad, and the sweetest Hallmark angel for thoughts and prayers for my family.  The kindness of people truly amazes me.  It was super lovely to be able to enjoy a homemade meal, and not have to cook tonight, I had already planned a night for leftovers, you can only do so much. 

We continue to worry a lot about my youngest brother, Jesús.  On some days I feel like I can handle it all, and other days (like tonight) life feels so unfair and I feel so helpless.  We are helpless really.  My brother Will had to run a few errands for him today.  Because of my brother’s lack of health insurance, he’s in a public hospital where they provide medical care and you have to supply the majority of their needs.  Prescription medicine, nutrition, medical bedding needs, etc. I experienced how the system works the last time he was gravely ill and hospitalized five years ago, and it’s agonizing getting the information from the medical staff, and then literally having to run all over town to get the medicine and things they need as fast as you can.  It’s draining in every way. Emotionally, physically, financially, and at times, spiritually.  It takes a toll on you.  I cannot even imagine now my brother Will getting those calls first hand, getting a report on my brother JR which is not great these days, end then having to arm yourself with strength and bravery to go out hunting for those meds to drop them off, not even able to see your brother.  Ugh, I shouldn’t be overthinking the scenarios, but I can’t help it, I’ve lived it, I know how it is, and I can tell you right now, it’s not pretty and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 

I really pray that one day I will be able to help as many people as I can outside in there hospital.  The families that keep guard outside of that hospital waiting to see when they will get a call from the staff about medicine they need. Families in great need.  I want to be able to look for  resources for them and get the help they need for their loved ones during their very difficult times.  It’s not until someone experiences something like that, that you realize how sheltered our lives are. 

I keep praying for my brother every day, all day, and until my eyes can’t stay open at night anymore.  I keep picturing him playing the piano, and sharing his writing pieces with me and telling me about his plans and his dreams and his philosophical way of looking at life, and it HURTS!!! It hurts, because instead, he’s laying in some hospital bed in the ICU, hooked up to tubes and machines, unresponsive and we don’t know what every day will bring. 

I will continue to lift him up in prayer.  To say his name as many times as I think of him during the day, because I know that when I say his name, when I think of him, God knows I’m praying for his healing.  

I’ve never been a very patient person, I’ll admit that, but this has been the toughest test for me. 

I want the people that I love healed and well, here and there.  I want simplicity.  I want to feel boredom.  I want to be able to complain about something unimportant and stupid, because there is nothing to complain or talk about.  I want normalcy and I want it to stay for a long time!!! 

I was really hoping I could have a more uplifting page to offer today, but then, life happened and this is me.  Hey, at least, I really loved and enjoy my cookie with my coffee this morning, the projects I worked on at the office, and definitely LOVED the mushroom soup end lasagna.  There you go, that’s my silver lining for today, I’ll take it. ❤️

Sunday, February 7, 2021

Today was a super blah day for me.  I really wanted to relax and not worry about too much, but who am I kidding, duh, it’s 2021! At least, I managed to stay in bed a little longer than expected and treated to coffee in bed delivered by Stan.  I think that short moment in bed, with my coffee and my thoughts was my favorite part of the day, relaxing and quiet will have to wait, and I’ll enjoy it even more when the day comes.  I’m kind of looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, at least I get to be creative there and stay distracted. 

Something fabulous happened to my mom and my brother Will today, and as I heard them tell the story, I knew it had to be the hand of God in it. Every second of it.

My brother and my mom were telling me that this morning they woke up talking about how they would manage picking up my mom’s monthly prescriptions at the hospital.  They have a very interesting system for prescription and over the counter meds.  Usually, the patient or his/her power of attorney has to go in person to the hospital to pick them up.  You have to go and stand in line, and go to one of a few different areas of the hospital to pick up all the things you need.  In my mom’s case, she’s been taking the same meds (prescription and over the counter) for a few years now and of course they know the drill by now.  My dad used to pick up her prescriptions, it was an “errand” day for him usually, something they planned in advance.  When Covid started and my parents weren’t going anywhere, my youngest brother Jesús was the assigned person to run that errand which is usually not all that pleasant.  Now that both my mom and brother Will are the only ones able to do it, and both just starting to recover from their illness, it was a tough decision to make, but one that had to be made because my mom needed those meds. 

Needless to say, my mom shared this afternoon that as my brother and her were trying to figure out how and when they’d be able to do that, the house phone rang and it was a family friend calling to check in and the proceeded to say that she was at my mom’s hospital running an errand for herself and was wondering if they needed anything from there!!! Wow! Of course, they were ecstatic but doubted she could be of any help since she is not on the list of people with permission to pick up her medicine.  She said to my brother, “send me your mom’s health insurance and I’ll see what I can do!”  

That hospital has very strict rules and you either abide to them or you are out.   My brother sent the picture, their friend went up to counter #1 to see if she could get part of my mom’s prescriptions, and if she did, she’d go to counter #2 and so forth to complete her monthly supply.  As she approached the counter, the pharmacists working the counter said to her she’d be HAPPY to help her and then proceeded to say to her, “no worries, you don’t have to go anywhere else, I’ll take care of all her needs at this counter.”  She walked away, and after a few minutes came back with my mom’s prescriptions and over the counter needs.  No questions asked, no explanations, simply unheard of, doesn’t happen!  Our friend was simply amazed and so were my mom and brother.  On her way out, she sanitized all of the boxed and bottles for them, and stopped to pick up some of my mom’s favorite cookies and chocolate bars to drop off along the meds.

GOD present in their lives, in our lives everyday, in the ordinary in extraordinary ways.  Both my brother and mom were so amazed by that little miracle that happened today, I could hear the excitement in their voices when we talked on speaker phone today. 

Speaking of speaker phones.  On our daily phone conversation today, my brother shared that the doctor at the hospital where my brother is hospitalized called this afternoon to share that my brother’s oxygen level improved a bit and they were able to lower down the amount of oxygen my brother is getting through the machine and they were able to sit him up a little.  They had him facing down before to help his lungs work better and heal faster.  He’s had some issues with his blood pressure, but he’s being treated for that.  He’s still intimated, and still sedated, but we have faith that he will continue to make progress every day, even if it’s a little progress.  He’s still considered critical, but stable and the doctor said we just need to be patient and allow his body to heal.  This will take time, and we must be patient and stay strong in faith and persistent in prayer.

Lord, oh Lord, what a test this year has been so far, but I’m staying strong in faith and giving thanks for the signs of hope and love that are delivered daily, literally at our feet.  SO incredibly thankful for the HELPERS in our lives during this turbulent ride.

Life is amazing, we have so much to learn and so much give.  I hope that I will always look for opportunities to help others, in any way that I can, for I am almost certain that at the end of our lives, after we’ve lived a full life -hopefully and God willing- the question that we will be asked will not be, “who are you? What was your profession? What are your accomplishments?” BUT, “what did you do for your brothers and sisters in need during your time on earth?” That little dash that separates our earthly beginning and end is what matters most.  If we really think about it, if we reflect on it, what an AMAZING opportunity and invitation to help it is for us, the need is great and our blessings are many, we must help, we must be there for others. 

Today is day 33 since that terrible day when our lives as we knew it changed forever. I am really looking forward to sunnier skies and healthier days with my family, hugging them, embracing them and rejoicing in the gift of life. ❤️

Saturday, February 6, 2021

I’m sitting in the family room all by myself, it’s quiet in my little corner of the house.  I’m looking out into the deck and watching the snow fall, it’s prettier from here. 😉

Today has been a good day so far and I’m thankful for that.  This morning, Stan, Bella and I attended Stan’s aunt’s funeral, it was a beautiful Mass and Stan offered very touching words of remembrance about his sweet Aunt.

In a strange way (or maybe not so strange), her Mass gave me comfort about the loss of my dad.  He’s been gone for one month now, it just doesn’t even seem possible, how fast time flies. 

The readings at the funeral mass and the priest’s homily were so touching and I found comfort and consolation in the promise of eternal life that our faith teaches us.  I was also very thankful for the many years that my dad was part of our lives, just like Stan’s aunt.  Age will never take away the sadness of loosing a loved one, but I find comfort in knowing that we were blessed with their lives for many years. 

After church, we picked up a lox and bagels breakfast at a new local breakfast restaurant and they were delicious!!! I could eat lox everyday, I love it so much! They served there on a toasted bagel, with cream cheese, sliced red onions, sliced tomatoes, capers, cucumbers and wild cold smoke salmon, YUM!!! Can you tell I love them?! 😍

I talked to my mom briefly this morning. She had just had breakfast and was praying.  My mom prays a lot and often, she always has, more now I’m sure.  She was telling me that a family friend tells her when she talks to her on the phone, “please send a few amens this way, I need some!” Haha, that’s awesome! My mom sure knows how to deliver amens and you better believe she’d pray for you if you ask her. 

Stan said to me when I was on the phone with my mom, “ask about your brother!” I motioned to him, “not now!” I couldn’t at that moment, the thought itself made me tremble. I’ll wait patiently for an update later today, and I PRAY he’s made some progress towards his recovery today, even if it’s a tiny bit of it. 

I’m finishing off my third cookie of the day with my second cup of coffee, that’s right!  I’m excited about SNL tonight, I haven’t watched in ages, but Dan Levy is hosting and I love him so I’ll sacrifice some sleep to watch him and laugh a little... or a lot! I need all the smiles and laughter I can get these days! 

My big girl is waiting for me to start a movie.  I’m done with work, and my plan is to relax the rest of today and tomorrow. I hope that’s attainable. 🥰

Friday, February 5, 2021

This morning I woke up literally exhausted.  Physically exhausted.  I think that after stressing so much about Michelle’s health issues, hospitalizations and surgery and then yesterday finally knowing that she was ok, and that surgery went very well, my body relaxed and I allowed all the heaviness I was feeling in regards of that to release that tension, which resulted in my body feeling exhausted.

I managed to get up, jump in the shower, blow up my hair and leave for work.  No time for a cup of coffee, I had a meeting I needed to attend and I was running late, but I was thankful for my cup of coffee at work. 

Work today was really busy for me, but I got a lot done and I was once again very thankful for the distraction of a regular work day.  I really do love my job and the people I have the privilege to serve through this church ministry, I feel very blessed by all the people that cross my path at the church office and place of worship while I’m at work.  A Holy ground indeed.

Today was a tough day for me emotionally, a very tough day.  I cried a few times, I howled at least once, that deep, agonizing inhaling and exhaling of air instead of screaming at the top of your lungs “WHY???” I closed my office door once, I was too ashamed of my sudden burst of tears as images of my brother crossed my mind.

Then, I called my mother to say hello, as I do every day, and she shared with me that my youngest brother Jesús was really struggling in the ICU of the hospital.  I tried to keep it “cool” with her and not show too much emotion, because she sounded so incredibly calm, almost in a divine way if that makes any sense at all.  I don’t know how she manages to be that way. 

As she was explaining the current situation with my brother, she said “our lives are in God’s hands, we are praying, it’s His will.”, and as she spoke those words she said “continue to lift up your brother in prayer, and also please pray for your uncle who is hospitalized with Covid.”  I knew about my uncle, I’ve been praying for him, but in that very moment, when I had just found that my brother had a bit of a setback, I wanted ALL prayers and attention on HIM! I’m embarrassed to say that I was a bit overprotective and selfish of my prayers.  I just didn’t want to “distract” God, with any other petitions at the moment, I was feeling so consumed with my own grief. 

My mother’s gift of love, prayer and faith lit the way for me.  Without knowing, without intentionally showing me, SHE taught me a huge lesson today.  To let go and let God, and that in our own suffering we can also be of support to others in need.  I attended a prayer service at church tonight called Holy Hour.  One entire hour dedicated to payer end reflection. I prayed a lot for my brother, I also prayed for my uncle, and for all those in need of prayer right now, especially those suffering from Covid. 

I came home today to find a beautiful bouquet of delicious cookies from a dear friend.  A friend that has walked her own agonizing journey of grief and who continues to show me with her life and care for others, what faith and strength looks like.  Supporting others while carrying your own sorrows seems to be the new life goal.  Not easy to do, but we are nourished by nourishing others and that is so crucial in living a joyful life. 

A few minutes before the office closed today, a sweet parishioner walked in with a plateful, a very huge and generous plate full of homemade cookies.  Heart shaped, sprinkled, oatmeal, chocolate chip ones, Rice Krispie cookies, and who knows what other deliciousness is hiding under all of those cookies.  She walked in JUST as I was hanging up from my mom and I was trying to swallow my emotions.  I managed “a little” to keep it together, but that plateful of cookies, sure put a smile on my face. 

Speaking of kindness.  A gentleman that attends one of our early morning masses, and who doesn’t know a thing about what I’m going through right now, dropped off a made from scratch loaf of artisan bread that looks simply delicious and which I know will go in the toaster tomorrow to enjoy with my first cup of coffee. 

It felt as if God Himself was looking down, putting feelings into people’s hearts and whispering “our girl needs some sweets and carbs today, bring them on!” 😍😂

My heart has been feeling feelings I’ve never felt before.  Some I don’t recognize, some I don’t love, some I embrace, and some, I want to ignore.  Grief is a lot more complicated than I ever expected.  It’s a journey I have been chosen to live, to experience and learn from.  I don’t think I’ll ever look at life the way I used to, impossible! 

Another day of joys, struggles, laughs, tears and a generous amount of GRATITUDE. 

Thursday, February 4, 2021

I’m sitting in our family room, with my feet on the ottoman looking out the window at the pretty fresh snow.  I’m really, really tired from today, but this is my sacred daily moment and I’m enjoying it fully with a cup of coffee and two truffles. 

My alarm went off at 4:45 am and Michelle was already in the shower.  We were out the door by 5:30 am for Michelle’s surgery check in at 6:00 am.  I was SO exhausted I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the day. 

Michelle was wheeled into the OR just a few minutes after the original plan because they had some issues with a test that had to be done before surgery.  I was really nervous about her surgery I’m not going to lie and I asked a lot of questions to the operating team of nurses and doctor that came in to do her prep work.  Having had a lot of female issues myself in the past, I wanted to have some peace of mind that everyone was on the same page as far as what they were doing today. Of course, THEY knew, I was just being a concerned mom and they understood, especially the OR nurse in charge, she was amazing.  The surgeon who has been my ObGyn forever and with whom I’ve had at least three surgeries, made me feel at peace the moment he walked into the room.  I trust his knowledge and his ability to resolve unexpected problems in the OR, he’s known for that.  Can’t you tell I really admire him?! 😊

Anyways, Michelle’s surgery was a success and she’s already feeling better thank goodness.  She’s still a little groggy and in pain, but she’s more like herself and already talkative and smiling, something she hasn’t been able to do for days!  I’m so thankful!!! She has a follow up in two weeks and they will decide when she can fly back to New York, that continues to be on hold, but it’s ok, health first!

A dear family friend dropped off dinner for our family tonight a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  Dinner tonight felt like a breath of fresh air in the Sahara.  It was nice not to have to worry about what we were eating after such a long week/day.  It was Michelle’s first solid food in three days and she was smiling from ear to ear during dinner.  Beyond thankful for that act of kindness and generosity. ❤️

I’ve talked to my mom this morning and texted with my brother Will.  Just before dinner my phone rang, it was Will’s number and my heart literally dropped! He’s not the kind that calls just to say “hi”.  I answered fearfully and I immediately screened his voice.  Before asking “how’s everything?” I wanted to be reassured by the tone of his voice.  

He was calling to give me an update about mg brother Jesús.  No much change there.  He’s critical, but stable.  Intubated, undergoing treatment, sedated and they had to give him blood pressure medicine today because he had some issues with that, but his kidneys are functioning well, and that’s important.  There is a lot going and I feel like we are relieving the nightmare of his hospitalization four years ago.  I am PRAYING he turns around soon, starts making progress and he doesn’t have to be in the hospital for as long as he was last time.  What a journey... what a journey.  We continue to lift him up in prayer, healing thoughts and wrapping him with love. 

My mom and Will had a good day today, and they continue to make progress, thank God. ❤️

Tonight, I’m feeling very thankful for the success of Michelle’s surgery today, blessed by the gift of health care, and an amazing medical group we can trust.  Grateful for the delicious food delivered at our door wrapped in love, thankful for my faith and even the tears I shed this morning on the phone with a friend while sitting in the parking lot of the hospital all by myself while I waited for Michelle to be out of surgery.  

Healing tears, yummy food and awesome medical news made for a perfect respite that my soul so much needed today. ❤️

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

A super long work day for me, but I’m thankful to have something to get my mind off other worrisome things.  Too much time on my hands right now, I think would be almost harmful for my mental well-being, so for that, I’m thankful! ❤️

I am a little tired and tomorrow is a big, long day for us, so the sooner I go to sleep, the better.

Michelle is scheduled to have surgery at 8 am tomorrow. We have to be at the hospital by 6 am, which means wake up call is at 4:30 am or so, since the hospital is 30 minutes away, yikes!  I’ll definitely be taking a nap at some point tomorrow... I hope! 😁

Praying, praying for a successful surgery, and full and speedy recovery for Michelle. ❤️

It’s 9 pm and I just got off the phone with my mom and brother Will. This morning, they had more blood work done to check their lungs and Covid numbers and they are doing even better than the previous blood work on Saturday, thanks be to God for their improvement and being restored back to health.  They still have a few more days of treatment and then rest and recovery, but they are both on a good path for a full recovery, I am SO happy!!!  Keeping up the prayers for them as well, for a complete recovery.

My brother Jesús continues to be in critical condition, it’s very hard to picture him in that hospital bed in ICU, hooked up to machines and alone, well, with no family members or friends by his side.  God will get us through this also.  We are praying unceasingly for him, for his complete and speedy recovery.  We just want to get REALLY good news from the hospital and know that he will be ok! Please continue to pray for him and his recovery. 🙏🏻

I am really looking forward to the day when I can go home to Mexico to visit for a few weeks and just be there, enjoying the company of my family, loving them, embracing them, and taking in all the blessings of these moments.  

I’ve learned a lot about grief, and loss and life in general in the past month.  Who would’ve thought that 2021 would strike the way it did for us.  I continue to pray for our health, but also, for a lot of strength to get through this with optimism, hope, and FAITH. 

I think I’ll finish my chai late now and then go to sleep. Good night! ❤️

Tuesday, February 2, 2021

It’s been quite a day, but 2021 has proven to be “quite a day, every day”, or so it seems.

It was a good day actually, filled with some joys, lots accomplished at work, a few tears here and there and even some delicious food enjoyed. A good day. 

Speaking of tears, I’ve noticed lately that every time I tell my current life story to someone “new”, someone that hasn’t heard it, by simply asking “how are you doing?”, the moment I even try to say the basic, I can’t contain the tears.  For the majority of the day, I pretty much can complete a day with only a few tears here or there and if I’m lucky, no tears, but sometimes, if it’s a random encounter and I get to share some of my story and that person really listens and asks questions, it’s like the Niagara Falls run wild and I find myself apologizing, even though I don’t have to because the other person completely understands.  Caring, compassionate and empathetic humans.  Anyways, I’m feeling those feelings today and I thought I’d write them down.

I got a call today from my 95 year old priest friend.  He wanted to know how I was doing and what he could do to help. How amazing is that?! I’m truly blessed with great, and holy friends that are GOOD, and caring people.

Speaking of holy, church that is, I attended daily Mass this morning because it was a special feast and I was taking some pictures for church’s social media and I was overwhelmed by the love and support I received from parishioners who have been so caring.  Their kindness is sometimes my biggest comfort, being a church lady these days is one of my greatest gifts. 

Michelle had her ObGyn appointment yesterday and it was decided that she will have surgery this Thursday to wash out the blood and fluid from the cyst rupture and pelvic infection and remove the ovarian cyst which is a good size according to the scans.  Michelle started a fluid diet today and tomorrow is “take all that nasty me dice to clean your colon” kind of day, yikes!!! I’ve had a few surgeries myself where I’ve had to take that stuff and is so yuck, I’m not even telling her about it, but she’ll figure it out soon. 😬

What a rollercoaster of a year it has been for her already, my goodness!!! I pray that this will be what heals her fully so she can start her new life in NYC, her favorite place, doing what she loves.  The day will come soon, and I’m excited for her.  That day will taste a lot sweeter after all this ordeal.

My mom continues to make progress, doing her nebulizer treatments and taking her medicine, and so is my brother Will.  We have been humbled by the kindness of people who have been dropping off food for them every day, I hope one day I can thank them all in person in some way.  I’m so grateful!!! 

My brother Jesús Ramón is hanging in there, still intubated, but the doctor said that his oxygen level is very good and they are hopeful that if he continues like that, they can start weaning him off the sedatives so they can remove the breathing machines.  We literally spend all day by the phone, waiting and waiting for updates.  It’s almost excruciating waiting for news.  I’m praying that soon he will be breathing on his own and bouncing back to full health. ❤️

I started today with a cup of coffee and a slice of birthday cake, and I think that’s how I’m going to end it. Don’t mind if I do! 😉🍰☕️🥰

Monday, February 1, 2021

HAPPY FEBRUARY! 💛

The sun is shinning brighter than I’ve seen it shine in a long time.  I’m sitting in the peace and quiet of my living room, the bay window is reflecting the sunshine directly to the area where I’m sitting, I can feel the sun in my body and in my soul, and I’m welcoming it’s warmth in every way. 

Last night was the first night I’ve been able to sleep through the night in almost a month.  Almost 7 straight hours of sleep felt like a huge blessing and even though I woke up with a touch of a migraine, I was able to address it immediately and now I’m enjoying my cup of coffee, migraine free and it feels glorious.  Ordinary blessings will always be my favorite moments in life. 

Michelle is feeling a lot better today, thank goodness!!! The antibiotics definitely helped and so did the pain meds.  Her coloring is better and she’s smiling and she even had breakfast.  Sounds like nothing, but it’s everything!  I’m so thankful for a better today.  She has a follow up appointment with her ObGyn today at 3 pm and he will decide if surgery is needed and/or what the next step will be to fix all the issues she has going on.

I talked to my mom this morning and she sounds good, a little congested but that always happens right after she does a nebulizer treatment, but she sounded happy, more like herself and that made me happy too. My brother Will seemed a little more upbeat too, and feels good, better.  Thank God for the progress made every day.

I’m stil waiting for an update about my brother Jesús.  My brother Will hasn’t gotten a call from the hospital yet, they call once a day to give a report.  Praying for good news, and also progress about my brother Jesús Ramón.  God is good and I keep praying that soon they will be able to remove the intubation and that he will respond positively to that change also, so he can be moved out of ICU to a regular floor of the hospital for recovery and then go home to continue his recovery.  Praying incessantly. 

I’m working from home today, allowing my body to rest a little, and then driving Michelle to her doctor’s appointment.  Being home today is definitely what I needed, and I’m thankful for the opportunity to be able to remote in and do my work as if I were at the office.  Big blessing.

We are hoping to celebrate Michelle’s birthday tonight as we had planned to do yesterday.  Homemade pizzas and salad is what’s for dinner and also a yummy and beautiful cake that Bella made from scratch for her sister.  Blowing candles tonight will come with a whole new meaning and I’m excited for that opportunity to celebrate my big girl at home with all of us together. 

Beyond thankful for ALL the people that have been lifting us in prayers, lighting candles, and reaching out.  It has meant the world and I honestly don’t know how I would’ve done it (and continue to do it) any other way. 

I quote Maya Angelou often, she’s one of my favorite poets of all time.  I’ve always admired her wisdom, truth and thirst for realness and life.  In one of her poems she writes: “I come as one, but I stand as 10,000.” 

I came as one, and I stand as 10,000.  10,000 thoughts, 10,000 prayers, and the love of MANY people that multiplied would add up to way more than 10,000, and for all that, I’m very, very grateful and humbled. ❤️

Sunday, January 31, 2021

I remember when Michelle started having complications after oral surgery for her wisdom teeth almost a month ago.  First, I was upset of course, I couldn’t believe that such basic, common surgery could end up like that with so many complications, I mean, Michelle still doesn’t feel the bottom left side of her mouth. Surgeon says it will take time considering the reaction she had, or complications I should say.

Michelle had been scheduled to go back to New York City a few days after wisdom teeth surgery but we had to change the date to tomorrow due to her recovery, observation, nerve testings in her mouth and more follow appointments.  I thought, well, wow at least we’ll get to celebrate her birthday at homecoming we were all thrilled, Stan was SO happy!!! 

Then as the snowstorm was coming, she started getting updates from the airline advising her to change her flight.  We were considering it when boom she ended up in the ER the night before the snowstorm and we were forced to change her flight since the doctor wanted to see her in his office two weeks later for a follow up. 

Although it all sounds and feels so overwhelming, here is the blessing in disguise, HUGE blessing in disguise if you ask me! 

If everything had gone as planned and ok with her wisdom teeth surgery, she would’ve left Chicago as planned and this emergency visit to the hospital which will most likely require surgery now, would’ve found her by herself in New York City, away from her family, an unfamiliar hospital and stranger doctors.  She would’ve had to call Uber or an ambulance to get herself there, instead of having Stan, myself and Bella take care of her.  

Although, we might know the why’s some things happen in life and when they happen, in this case she/we had angels watching over her, protecting her and leading the way, even when we thought the path was being blocked by unpleasant circumstances.  Yes, they were, have been unpleasant alright, but I know in my heart it was meant to be this way. 

At the ER tonight, after another scary visit where we rushed her with a high fever, uncontrollably pain, and nausea after she was discharged yesterday, they found out that she has a pelvic infection, more fluid in her abdominal area and another cyst in her right ovary, so it sounds like she will most likely need surgery.  She’s currently on antibiotics, prescription pain medication and lots of fluids. The ObGyn will see her tomorrow and decisions will be made. Please say a prayer for her that all goes well and that she recovers quickly and fully so she can start her adult life in NYC doing what she loves most. 

Today, I felt so embraced by the love of so many, especially some of Michelle’s sweet friends who reached out with the loveliest and most encouraging of messages.  I’m tearing up as I’m typing this, because I’ve known these girls (even one of her guy friends texted me), since they were really young, and now, they are AMAZING young adults, with the most courageous and generous hearts who love my daughter immensely as much as she loves them, and that witness of love today was so great on a day like today, her birthday which she faced with so many obstacles. 

I sipped my coffee this morning as I cooked bacon, and made pancakes and set the mood at home to start Michelle’s celebrations.  I enjoyed it as much as I could, as I peeked through the opening between the kitchen and the living room seeing Michelle laying down on the couch pale as she could be. I was trying to be hopeful and cheery. It worked for just a short while, but at least we were able to all sit at the table for breakfast and enjoy a little bit of Michelle’s birthday breakfast meal.

Tomorrow, God willing, we will celebrate her birthday, and she can blow out her candles, and make as many wishes as she wants, she deserves them all!!! ❤️

A short update about my family in Mexico. 

My mom and brother Will had blood work done yesterday to check their Covid and pneumonia numbers and I found out this morning that my mom is responding quite well to treatment. Huge PTL’s here!!! 🙏🏻 She will continue treatment and have more blood work on Wednesday. 

Will is making progress as well, not as much as my mom since his case was a little more aggressive but he is having progress nonetheless, and that’s amazing too. So thankful for that too! 🙏🏻

The doctor called my brother Will from the hospital this morning to tell him that my brother Jesús is stable, still intubated and sedated but his oxygen levels are better after the intubation. Please keep praying for progress every day!!! 🙏🏻

I’m going to finish a hibiscus La Croix right now - I should be having wine, but can’t risk a migraine - and then heading upstairs to pray.  I have actually been finding Prayer very comforting lately.  It soothes my soul and slows down my fears.  

I feel the love of so many, lifting us in prayer and that is sustaining me right now. 

I’m thankful for ALL the people that have been dropping off meals at my mom’s house and anything they’ve been needing since both my mom and brother Will are in complete quarantine. We are so blessed with the generosity of so many people. ❤️

Today, is also the Feast day of Saint John Bosco, patron Saint of youth and my favorite saint since childhood.  I will be saying a prayer to him as well for Michelle’s health and for all the young people I know. Saint John Bosco, pray for us. 

Saturday, January 30, 2021

I’m sitting in my living room, facing the wall where the big screen tv is. I feel so out of sorts right now, a feeling I’ve never felt before.

Although it feels as if I’m walking through the darkest valleys right now, I keep holding on to my faith for hope and strength.

I didn’t get the best news this morning.  They had to intubate my youngest brother Jesús Ramón last night.  The infection in his lungs as a result of Covid doesn’t seem to be ceasing and the doctors made the decision to intubate with his consent, so the medicine has faster effect in his lungs and helps with the breathing too.  I don’t know what else to do other than to pray, and right now, I’m praying for ME too, for strength and consolation because I’m feeling a lot of despair. 

We have not shared that news with my mother yet, and won’t for now.  She’s been dealing with her own anxiety related to her condition, and we don’t think it’s the right time to upset her even more.  We just need time and patience. 

My mother and brother Will had blood work done this morning to check their levels of everything I guess.  I’m not a doctor, I don’t understand anything or much about it and at this point I’m not interested, I just want to hear that they come back with good news!!! 

Michelle is coming home today. Her blood count stayed stable overnight and so did her vitals. She sees her doctor in two weeks and before she will have some tests to decide if surgery will be needed, but it’s not looking like it, thank goodness.  She was supposed to be moving back to New York this coming Monday so now the date has to be moved back.  It sounds easy, but it’s stressful when her lease was already signed and the rent is due. We will get through this, we will get through all of it.  Health will always be the most important thing in our lives, if we don’t have that, we can’t have anything else.  Faith of course carries us through life, but health is such a high priority as well.  

This morning I snapped at Stan and Bella as they were getting ready to leave the house to run some errands.  I literally snapped at two of the sweetest and nicest human beings I’ve ever known in my life and on this earth.  I snapped at them because Bella was going to Target and she wanted to use her own money which she always insists on doing and she shouldn’t, Stan wanted to give her cash or his debit card instead and I told them she should should my debit Target card to get 5% off.  Literally, I lost it because at this point I’m worried about everything, and everyone and someone using my Target card was the ONLY control I felt I had at the moment. I’m embarrassed at my reaction, but I hope they understood where it was coming from. 

Today is not a good day for me.  I feel drained spiritually, mentally, emotionally, but I have decided to do what I preach.  To let go and let God, to trust, to allow myself to cry and to feel every emotion and not to apologize for it. I’m tired. 

Please continue to lift us all up in prayer.  My brother Jesús, who lays in an ICU bed, intubate and alone.  For my mother, who is fighting the good fight and working of getting better while worrying about my brother who is hospitalized.  For my brother Will who has carried it all, taking care of his own health fighting Covid and pneumonia while caring for my mother, arranging for my dad’s services and being the main contact at the hospital for my brother’s hospitalization, making decision after decision and deciding on what news to share with my mother.  For Michelle, so she recovers quickly and fully and is able to start her adult life in New York soon as she has planned and for myself, so I have strength to get through this and carry us all with faith and optimism. 

One day at a time, that’s all I can do for now.  I’m hopeful and I’m also thankful for what I’m learning from this experience, but I’ve learned already and I need life to go back to boring and ordinary. 

Thank you all for your prayers and concern. ❤️

Friday, January 29, 2021

Where do I start? 

It’s past 7 pm, I’m sitting in my favorite corner of the kitchen.  I home from work a little bit ago and I’m waiting for Stan to come home with food, Mexican take out.  It was a long day at work but I’m so glad and thankful for the opportunity to stay busy and keeping my mind occupied doing things I enjoy. 

This morning started like no other.  At around 5:30 am Michelle stormed through our bedroom door, bent over in excruciating pain.  My first reaction was “are you kidding me???” My second reaction was “are you sure you are in that much pain?” Third reaction... “just call 911, please?!”

Ok, in my defense, I didn’t say any of those things, instead I tried to understand what was happening. Was I dreaming??! Was she really at the door telling me she couldn’t walk? Did we really need to get up and take her to the ER? I think I went to bed at midnight praying and by 5 am my body was still beyond tired and I couldn’t understand half of what she was trying to tell us. 

Long story short, I wasn’t dreaming and she wasn’t kidding, after many tests, and scans and everything else, they discovered that she had an ovarian cyst the size of a golf ball which had ruptured and hemorrhaged, which caused the excruciating level of pain she was feeling. 

Thankfully, we have the BEST ObGyn doctor, who happens to be on the board at the Hospital and went to Michelle’s aide immediately.  He called me personally to update me on her situation and what he thought would be the best plan of action according to her scans and tests.  I have complete trust in him, and with prayers and some TLC, hopefully she’ll be able to come home on time for her birthday on Sunday, for now, they are keeping her overnight to keep the pain level under control, monitor her vitals and blood levels and make sure there is no more internal bleeding.  We won’t know until tomorrow is surgery will be required, but we’ve already been given all that information and possibility, hopefully that won’t be the case!!!

Speaking of Michelle and the ER trip, I have to share something amazing that happened this morning after Michelle was admitted.  One of her best friends sent me the most amazing and heartwarming text expressing her feelings about the heavy load and layers of issues I’ve been dealing with, and to tell me that she’s thinking of me, and to let her know if we need anything (I know she’d leave everything to help me if I needed, because that’s who she is), and to say that she’s wrapping us with love.  She’s not only an amazing friend to Michelle, but also so caring, who obviously has great parents who have nurtured the way she cares for others.  That expression of support meant everything to me this morning when once again felt like a mountain was sitting on my back pushing me down.

On other news... my brother JR is still in the hospital, making progress.  His oxygen levels are still a concern, but the doctor thinks he’s making progress, as little as they are right now.

My mom and brother Will are stable, taking their medications, doing the nebulizer treatments, measuring their oxygen levels three times a day and eating delicious food cooked and dropped off by the kindness of family.

I just finished eating dinner, my first meal of the day.  I actually had a banana and a bite size milky way today if that counts for anything.

Praying for a good night’s sleep, for GOOD news from every hospital.  Good news about Michelle, my mom and my brothers. 

I’m praying for strength in every way and for the gift of hope and humor which are keeping me grounded and human right now.

I think we’ll watch a movie after dinner and then I’ll go to sleep.  Letting go and letting God is the best gift I can give myself right now and every day. ❤️

Thursday, January 28, 2021

This morning I’m a mess of emotions and it’s almost funny because it’s all coming out involuntarily. 😁

Yesterday, someone was asking me about my family and as I started sharing an update (still holding it together, even with a sprinkle of humor as we both always share our stories), all it took was for this person to ask me “do YOU have someone to talk to?”  

It was in that moment, those very few words that made my eyes leak as if the concrete structure of the Hoover Dam itself had broken off and the water was pouring over the city.  This time, it was my “city”, my territory, my face and in the ugliest of ways, I shamefully displayed emotions and vulnerability I was not prepared for, in front of someone who I had never had that type of relationship with before.  This person could not have been more gracious and kind to my reaction of emotions that I immediately recovered from my own “shame”.

As I walked away from that conversation, it really made me think of the impact that layers over layers, over layers of grief, worry, disappointment and overall heaviness is causing my soul, my body, and my mind.

When my children were little, my mother used to say to me “in order for you to give the best of yourself, you have to take care of you as well.” Self care, in other more modern words.

This conversation also made me reflect on the impact that caring, compassionate people have in our lives.  People who see beyond our smiles, beyond our words, beyond our actions, and in a way, understand our very own need to be nurtured.

Yesterday, I wasn’t expecting to be asked “do you have someone to talk to? how are you taking care of yourself?” But I’m so glad it did, even if for a moment I thought I “humiliated” myself with my tears with almost a complete stranger whom I’ve known for a short period of time.  An extraordinary human being who I feel blessed to have crossed paths with. 

"Self care is never a selfish act, it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch." ~Parker Palmer

UPDATE ON MY FAMILY:

My mom and my brother Will seem to be doing ok, a little bit of improvement, but improvement nonetheless and that’s huge!  My mom is doing nebulizer treatments three times a day on top of all her meds.  

My youngest brother JR, is stable, still hospitalized with oxygen.  We are praying that his oxygen levels continue to improve and that he is more relaxed, he’s been a bit anxious the last couple of days, but not surprising considering what he’s gone through in the past few years.

All in all, today was a good day, my mom was able to sit outside in the sun for a short while.

In all this, I’m just beyond thankful for the generosity of so many people.  My family in Mexico who has rallied to help my brothers and my mom in the most incredible of ways, putting aside their own needs, to help their loved one in their greatest times of need.  Medicine is being delivered, home cooked meals, calls are being made, contacts with the hospital, even a space heater for these unusual cold days in Mexico right now. 

Blessed and grateful without measure.  I keep thinking of the day when we will always be able to sit down at the same table and talk about this experience. 

For now, I continue to pray, pray, PRAY unceasingly, and bless all those people that are coming to my families aide during these very trying days. 

One day at a time. ❤️

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Today is day number twenty one since the chaos unleashed back in my hometown of Mexico.  My father got gravely ill unexpectedly and died a week later.  The day of his death, my youngest brother got very sick also and a few days later ended in the ICU of their local hospital, he is still there.  

My middle brother got sick a few days after that and has gone from treatment to treatment at home while caring for my mother who is visually impaired, all of this while he’s been in need of rest himself.  Now, my mother was just diagnosed with Covid and pneumonia and undergoing treatment. Thankfully, it was caught early enough and started treatment immediately.

My body feels like it can’t take this chaos anymore.  I feel drained in every way, but I am praying fiercely and often and trusting in the almighty God that has always held us by the hand, for them, for me, for us. 

I’ve felt every emotion possible in the past three weeks, some have scared me, some have healed me, some have challenged me and in all this I keep reminding myself that I have to be strong for my mother, for my brothers and for my husband and daughters, and in all of this, I have to somehow, be strong for myself, all while keeping the pace of our daily routines because bills have to be paid, meals have to be made and the house has to be cleaned.  We are all doing our part, but it’s HARD, ALL OF IT!

Outside feels just as my souls feels right now, cold and gloomy, but I am trusting that soon, we will be able to rejoice and feel the warmth of better days, and sunnier skies in every way. 

I’m sorry if this sounds pessimistic, I don’t really feel like sugarcoating my emotions right now.  I promise it won’t stay this way forever, but for right now I need to cry, I need to scream if I feel like it, and if I have to be mad, I’ll be MAD! 

This experience has also made me reevaluate SO much about life, about MY life, our family life, relationships, what truly really matters in life and the gifts of ordinary moments.  I want all this behind, so I can see my family again, and give back.  Give back to all the places and people that are making this situation tolerable, I have learned so much in this short time that has felt like a excruciating eternity. 

Giving has always giving ME the best and most positive energy.  I never feel as good as when I am doing something for others.  I will put my emphasis on that right now as well, and use my creativity to map out a plan to give back in a bigger way when all this is over, maybe that’ll keep me busy and distracted as well.

I had this cup of coffee right before I went to work this morning, in my kitchen, in my favorite corner.  I’m back in the same spot savoring a bowl of homemade chicken soup my husband made for dinner.  It’s delicious and it’s keeping me warm.  Good food, good deeds and the comfort of the prayers of so many, it’s all soothing me. 

Staying positive, remaining hopeful and keeping the faith!!! ❤️

“A life lived for others is a life worthwhile." - Albert Einstein

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

It’s a very snowy day here in Chicago, most of us are snowed in not being able to leave the house, at least that’s our case in our cul de sac, the plows might be waiting for the snow to start falling which is fine with us, as we are not planning on going anywhere just yet.  

Both Stan and I are working from home, and I’m thankful for that luxury and blessing.

Yesterday was a very stressful day for our family. I was on “pins and needles” all day, heart racing, checking my phone, and praying I didn’t miss any texts or calls if I walked away.  I honestly, have never in my life felt this panic and sense of being completely out of control.  I think the fact that I’m so far away from my mom and brothers, is making the uncertainty of this situation all much worse.  Yesterday, was a stressful day, but I thank God for a new day... today!

I woke up and immediately checked my phone to see if I had any messages from anyone.  Last night was the first time in two weeks that I’ve been able to sleep through the night, what a huge relief and blessing, I needed that, my body needed that. 

I didn’t hear anything from my brother until around 11 am, and I still haven’t been able to talk to my mom. 

The doctor called my brother Will this morning to give him an update about brother JR.  He said that he is stable but still considered critical.  They were able to lower his oxygen level this morning (I don’t understand a lot about that), and that he reacted positively to that.  He is making small progress, but progress nonetheless.  He ate this morning for the first time since he was admitted four days ago, hurray for that!!!  The doctor said that considering the condition in which he was admitted, the first 14 days are considered critical and today is day is #4.  Beyond thankful for the progress, and keeping up the prayers as he’s not quite out of the woods yet.  Thank you for praying with us! ❤️

My brother Will is undergoing treatment as well and yesterday they had to reevaluate his treatment plan for a stronger/more aggressive one.  

My mom had a chest X-ray yesterday to rule out any possible sign of the virus in her lungs since she’s been so exposed lately. PRAYING for good and healthy results.

I am beyond grateful for the generosity of many!!! Being so far away makes me feel so out of control, and my mom is completely against me traveling to Mexico right now and exposing myself (and them I’m sure), which is completely understandable.  

My cousins and extended family and friends have been helping around the clock literally! Running errands, calling doctors, getting updates, making appointments, delivering food, dropping off medications, making contacts at the hospital for us to be constantly updated and informed, and checking on everyone.  I will never fully know how to return the favor, but for now I know, they will ALWAYS have my prayers, my blessings and my absolute support whoever they need me.  And hopefully one day soon, ideally this year, we can all celebrate together and tell stories, and laugh and cry a little about this experience that has shifted our lives recently.  

I have felt so drained lately, but the love and support of loved one has been carrying me through and for that, I’m immensely grateful. ❤️

Monday, January 25, 2021

Yesterday, was one of the most challenging Ju days I’ve experienced in a long time, or ever.  At least it felt like it.  

I literally felt the ground shifting beneath me when my mother told me the hospital had contacted them asking for authorization to intubate my brother if needed.  Why would they ask that if they didn’t think he’d need it?

Yesterday, was one of the. Kate challenging days I’ve experienced in a long time, or ever.  At least it felt like it. 

Maybe, repeating that will help me heal and understand myself a little better.  

I thought I knew was grief meant, after all, I’ve worked at a church for almost 25 years and I’ve also worked at a Funeral Home, I thought I knew what grief meant.  

Grief certainly takes on a new dimension when your immediate family is affected by it, and all of a sudden, you feel trapped in the middle of the ocean, a turbulent ocean with no help in sight, but you pray, and you keep praying because our faith sustains us and holds us by the hand, even if it means, just keeping it high enough about water to make it through until we get to the shore to rest and breath without too much effort. 

Yesterday, was a very intense day.  All I wanted to do was sleep so I wouldn’t feel the pain that grief and despair give you.  I wanted to sleep and not look at my phone or hear it ring.  I took a nap and that helped, and even though waking up and moving felt like the biggest struggle, I motivated myself enough to cook and distract myself with that.  It worked for a short while, until the next phone call came through with not so good news again and I felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach again and then I couldn’t eat the delicious food I had cooked.

Yesterday, I cried a lot.  A lot.  I prayed a lot. A lot.  I paced the hallways in my home, I let others a few desperate cries and I prayed again. 

Today has been an ok day, little progress here and there, I’ll take that.  My mother had an X-ray done of her chest to make sure she’s ok and hasn’t been affected by the virus.  She gets her results in three days.  We pray and we wait. 

Im learning a lot from this experience, lessons I could’ve done without, but since they are here, I’ll welcome them and discern.  Life is a mystery, there is so much we don’t know, and so much that is not in our control.

I will continue to pray and rely on that faith that has sustained me all this time and continue to do so.  

Praying for a better tomorrow, a day wrapped in good news and positivity. 

So many people have been praying with me, praying for my family and I couldn’t be more helpful.  May their lives be blessed forever for their kindness. ❤️

“And then, in a single moment, I am flooded with love.  Suddenly I "feel" the love God has for all people as we live out our insignificant lives and perform our routine tasks.  Compassionate, warm, tender love pours down on me and washes me over.  I cannot explain it, but it is real and so tangible that it begins to lift me.” ~Paula D'Arcy

Sunday, January 24, 2021

Ever since my dad was hospitalized almost three weeks ago this Wednesday, and his passing and then my brothers getting really sick, I have not been able to quite sleep solid through the night.

I wake up in the middle of the night and check my phone to see if I’ve missed a text message from one of them.  I can’t quite go to sleep early enough, I want to make sure that I stay awake “long enough” until I know THEY are asleep, and safe and better.

But before I move on to an update about my family from this morning which left me with a bit of an upset stomach, I’m going to share a very sweet and uplifting story of graciousness delivered by a complete stranger. 

Last week my mom had a doctor’s appointment, she wasn’t feeling great and due to the lengthy exposure of my brothers at the hospital in the days prior and bringing home who knows what germs, they decided not to take chances and take her to the doctor’s to be evaluated.  She was diagnosed with the flu and given medicine for that, but that’s not what my story is all about. 

My mom has been legally blind for over a decade, and her disability has increased with age.  My mom will be 74 years old this March, and has learned to live and cope with this disability in the best of her abilities.  When they arrived at the doctor’s office, my brother was told that he couldn’t go in with my mom, only the patient could go in due to Covid protocols.  He explained the reason of him wanting to go in with her, her visual disability, but it didn’t matter, it was still a hard no. 

He worried about her.  I worried about her.  She need the aid of someone especially when she’s out of her comfort at home.  God is with us, so we had to abide to their rules, trust and let go. 

As soon as my mom was done with her appointment she called me to let me know how it was and what the doctor said and of course I asked “how did you manage moving around without help?” Then she proceeds to tell me ALL happy, about this amazing doctor, who she’s never met and treated her with such respect and kindness and even made her laugh.  At the end of her appointment he said to her “just wait here for one second for me...” and he left the office.  He had gone outside to tell my brother who was waiting outside of the building to start the car so the car could be warm before my mom got in. Then went back inside, waited a couple of minutes and walked my mom out with all the love and care in the world and made sure she was safe.” How amazing is that??? Kind people are everywhere and miracles like this one happen all the time when we walk by faith.

The same doctor called my mom a couple of days later to check on her, find out how she was doing.  He joked with her and said “once this is all over (Covid), we will visit with a cup of coffee.” My mom had never met him before, but he, not only took care of her medically speaking, but also from the heart, what a gracious and generous human being!  He told my mom he hadn’t seen his wife and little girl in days, that Covid cases were once again in the rise, and he had been working nonstop and he missed them.  

Overworked, stressed, and answering faithfully and graciously to his call of service.  I’ve never met him either, but he is already in my prayers. 

On other news... my brother Will had a bad night and woke up feeling sicker than he’s been feeling lately and is being seen by the doctor today again. I’m praying his condition doesn’t require hospitalization also, like my youngest brother.  Just too much. 

My brother JR had an ok day yesterday, we didn’t hear much from the hospital itself, but we have family that have contacts at the hospital and they were able to keep us updated.  My brother was reported serious but stable, and is being treated for an infection in the lungs, on top of all the other symptoms associated with Covid. 

“Waiting by the phone”, is turning out to be the worst joke of this year so far, and I’m praying with all my might that they all turn the corner for the better today and things start to improve.  My mother is the most faithful and optimistic person I’ve ever known in my life, but sensing the distress in her voice lately, has broken my heart.

One day a man was crossing a bridge in life but was scared so he turned n asked the Lord, "Can I hold Your hand so I may not fall? “The Lord said, "No, my child, I will hold your hand". He  asked, "What's the difference?" The Good Lord replied, "If you hold My hand and something happens, you might let go but if I hold your hand, no matter what happens, I will never let you go". ~Anonymous ❤️

Saturday, January 23, 2021

I’m sitting in the parking lot of the ER, that’s right. 

My oldest daughter had wisdom teeth surgery two weeks ago and what it’s usually considered “routine” surgery, turned into a series of complications for her, the list too long to mention and in all honesty, I don’t even have energy for it right now.  This morning, those issues became too concerning and she was advised to go to an ER.

My mom seems to be doing better, she has a follow up appointment with her doctor today. My oldest brother, seems to be improving as well, thank God for those mercies.

My youngest brother is still a big concern, he was admitted in the hospital yesterday and since hospitals have strict policies and protocols right now due to Covid, we have no idea how he’s doing, or what area of the hospital he’s in.  We keep praying that soon we will get an update and that the update will be a positive one. 

As I was sitting at the edge of my bed this morning, completely drained, exhausted in every possible way, and trying to pick up myself enough to drive my daughter to the ER, a dear friend of mine who has also gone through incredible losses in her life lately, sent me the following poem which lifted me up and reassured me.  

I keep praying. We keep praying. I’m letting God hold my hand, instead of me holding His.  That way I know, that he has a strong grip on mine, and He won’t let go of it, not sure I could do the same right now.  Trusting, and surrounding to my faith and His promise of everlasting love and care. ❤️

“Don’t get lost in your pain.  Know that one day your pain will become your cure. When the world pushes you to your knees, you are in the perfect position to pray. Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you.

I said, “what about my eyes?

God said, “keep them on the road.”

I said, “what about my passion?”

God said, “keep it burning.”

I said, “what about my heart?”

God said, “tell me what you hold inside it...” I said, “pain and sorrow.”

God said, “Stay with it. The pain is the place where the light enters you.”

Don’t dismiss the heart.  Even if it’s filled with sorrows.  God’s treasures are buried in broken hearts.  Be patient, where you sit in the dark, the dawn is coming.  -Rumi

Friday, January 22, 2021

I woke up this morning excited to share a very uplifting story to something that happened to my mom yesterday, maybe I’ll share this weekend or next week, right now I don’t have energy for that.

Early this afternoon I received a call from my brother letting me know that our youngest brother’s Covid symptoms had worsened and unfortunately, he had to be hospitalized. 

I don’t remember feeling this level of grief and anguish ever.  I feel as if the ground where I’m standing has shifted and I can’t gain control back.  I’m hanging on to faith, RELAYING on my faith, hoping, praying, and trusting. 

Trusting on God, trusting on my faith, trusting on the medical professionals.  Trusting. 

I feel a horrible void in my heart knowing that my mother and my brothers have not been able to fully process and mourn the sudden death of my father a week ago.  They went from being fully immersed in an unfamiliar and unexpected territory, or worrying about major health issues for all of them, especially my youngest brother.

I almost didn’t write a thing tonight, but I am doing it for two things.  One, because writing liberates me.  Two, because I’m hopeful that one day, I will be able to look back and say, “omg, I can’t believe we went through all that, thank God things turned out ok and we are together loving and supporting each other.” 

Covid has made physical loss and emotional challenges a lot harder, almost unbearable.  At times, unbearable for many.  Tonight, along with my brother, I am remember in prayer, every person around the world, laying on a hospital bed, and for their families who worry without being able to be by their side to offer comfort. 

If life continues to teach me anything every day is the importance of faith, family and kindness. ❤️

Thursday, January 21, 2021

This morning I woke up tired, I think my body is finally releasing all that tension I’ve been going through the last few weeks, and you can only pretend the stress isn’t there until your body demands rest.  So, in order to listen to my body, I stayed in bed a little longer than usual this morning to let my body rest a little.  I think it was a good choice and I’m thankful for the opportunity to do it.

Yesterday at work, I received a call from a middle aged woman whom I’ve never spoken to before.  She was calling to find out our office hours so she could stop by and take care of some paperwork she needed.  She sounded extremely congested, so embarrassment aside, considering the terrible Covid situation we are in again, I had to ask if she was sick, I didn’t want to put anyone at the office at risk. 

She proceeded to share that she was not sick, in fact she wasn’t sick at all or had been sick.  She shared with me that her father had just died a week ago in Mexico and she couldn’t stop feeling the pain she had been feeling since his death; she said “I wasn’t able to be by his side before he died, the distance has been intolerable and the pain I’m feeling is too much.”  

I felt her pain through the phone line.  Although I could never say “I know how you are feeling”, as we can never possibly know exactly how one is feeling when experiencing grief, even if the situation is similar, I understood where she was coming from.  We all have different memories, different experiences and our bodies, minds and hearts are wired differently in the way we feel pain and experience grief.  I couldn’t possibly know the depth of her pain, but her story touched me significantly. 

It was in that moment that I felt compelled if you wish, to share that I too had just lost my father, also a week ago, and that he had also died in Mexico thousands of miles away and I couldn’t be there by his side saying one more goodbye.  She gasped and then said to me “I can’t believe it, I can’t believe we both lost our fathers at the same time and similar circumstances. But I have a question for you. How do you sound so calm already?”  She was crying as she spoke all those words and I immediately felt a connection with her as if I had been talking to a friend, although I’ve never met her before.  Grief has a special way to make human connections.

Since our conversation was on holy ground so to speak, being that I work at a church and that’s where the conversation was taking place - over the phone - I shared with her in the best of my abilities how I was feeling and what was giving me strength.  I shared that I’ve cried many tears also, I have felt inconsolable and the pain has also felt unbearable at times, but that the peace I am feeling comes from my faith, from a deep rooted faith that has carried me through life and continues to do so, walking through life by the hand of God and trusting in His ways, His love and His promise of hope and rest.  I told her that I would keep her in my prayers, and that we could support each other through prayer as well.  She liked that very much, and gave her comfort.  It gave me comfort too.  Prayer is a powerful thing.

The support of family and friends has been crucial for me, and aside from my faith, it has been what has carried me.  A card, flowers, a meal, a phone call, a text, a simple, “how are you doing?” has truly meant the world.  One of our greatest missions in life is to love one another, and to support each other, people we know as well as strangers.  We have more things in common than we think, we are connected in such powerful way that at times those connections feel divine. 

Sounding calm, or looking at peace doesn’t mean my grief is gone.  It means that I’m doing my very best to let my faith carry me through the many emotions I’m feeling and also trusting, trusting in His ways. 

It’s been exactly one week since my dad died and I’m still having a difficult time saying those three words in one sentence, “my dad died.”  I’m sure it will get easier with time, but for now, I will continue to walk by faith, to trust and find comfort in the love I’ve been receiving from so many. ❤️

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

Today is a big day for the United States of America.  At noon today, President elect, Joe Biden will be sworn in as the 46th President elect of the United States, all amid turmoil and loss but also great hope in the future.  Hope and faith in the future is what keeps not only our nation going and thriving but our own lives. 

Yesterday for the first time we had a national moment of mourning for the 400,000 that have died of covid 19 over the last year.  The National Cathedral rang their bell 400,000 for each person who died in the past year and the ringing of the bell lasted for 38 minutes.  What an amazing moment of grace and respect. 

The division of our country and the world in the past four years has been at times (many times) draining in so many ways.  Relationships have been lost, friendships have been shattered due to the division and difference of opinion, but I think the greatest sadness in my opinion has been the fact that when something awful has happened, there have been so many ways of looking at it, when tragedy and disrespect should only be a one way street in the way we react to it and are astonished by it.  That is my greatest sadness in this case.

BUT, today, we begin a new chapter, prayerfully, and hopefully a new chapter of hope, of positive change and most importantly, a time for healing.

The ground is freshly covered with snow this morning, the sun is reflecting on the ground and it looks glittery. I’m sitting at the kitchen table with my two now, adult daughters, one almost 23 this month, and the youngest 18 years old. I see hope in their eyes for a new beginning, and that makes me joyful, it has been a rocky ground and times for our youth.

Drinking my coffee today in this B cup, that in my mind and heart today stand for Biden and (new) Beginnings! 

Onward. 💙

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

I had a nice day yesterday.  A “me” day if we want to call it that. 

My office was closed in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. to give us an opportunity to read about him, to watch documentaries about him, and to reflect about civil rights and social justice issues and that’s exactly what I did.

I started the day with a quick stop at my office to prepare it for a closing, and then made my way to daily Mass to pray for my dad.  Our Pastor and a sweet parishioner made special mention of my dad during prayers and intentions for the deceased and my heart and soul felt all the love.  I have been so overwhelmed by the kindness of people.  People that never met my dad, but have been so sympathetic about his passing by the simple fact that they know me and feel my pain.  I will forever be moved by their acts of kindness.  

After Mass, I went straight home, I knew that if I had stopped at the office again even to do just one thing, the moment would turn into hours, and maybe even a full day.  Glad I listened to my instincts. 

As soon as I got home I brewed myself a cup of coffee, sat in the kitchen all by myself, lit a candle, fixed my eyes on the little altar I prepared for my dad and stayed in that moment for as long as I could.  Before I knew it, I was preparing myself breakfast and chatting with my daughters who by now had joined me. Simple, sacred moments.

After pondering and wondering a little, I called my mom to chat. She ALWAYS greets me with the most beautiful and almost musical “Mis Amores!!!” Which translates into English to something like , “My love...” and then adds, good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, but she is always so excited to hear my voice, no matter how many times we’ve talked in the day. She’s simply the best mother life could have given me. 

A few hours later I decided to take a nap.  I haven’t been sleeping well lately, or enough and the stress and all was demanding my body rest, and I did just that.  I’m not a napper, although I do love a good nap, I just don’t have time for them, and yesterday was a perfect opportunity.  I laid my head down not knowing if I’d be able to sleep at all, and I ended up sleeping for two hours straight and it felt glorious.

After my nap it was almost dinner time, and I listened to Martin Luther King “I Have a Dream...” speech, and other speeches of his while preparing dinner.  Right after dinner, we all watched the movie “Selma”, and talked about civil right and social justice issues in our world, in our country right now!!! We still have such a long way to go... the dream still has some work to do. 

Yesterday was a great reminder to allow time for days like the one I had yesterday.  A day for myself, doing things that my body and my heart need.

Thankful for all these moments of grace in my life. ❤️

Monday, January 18, 2021

Today, we honor the memory and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and remember the dream for which he lived and died.  

Days like today, serve us as a reminder to live lives of service and to stand up and voice our concerns and beliefs when justice of any kind is not being served. 

In the Catholic Church we are starting the liturgical season called “Ordinary Time”, which by the way is nothing but extraordinary.  I wonder why they call it that.  Ordinary time comes after the birth of Jesus (Christmas) and before Lent (his death and Resurrection) and during this time, is when Jesus did the most important work of his life here on earth, public work, public ministry.  In the short life he lived, he served, he loved, he advocated, he taught and he above all, brought peace to all those who met him. 

I have always admired the work and life of Martin Luther King, Jr.  Although I didn’t grow up in the US and wasn’t taught by a young age at school about his work and ministry, my grandmother who was an educator by trade, someone who constantly advocated for those in need herself being involved in social justice issues and was a great storyteller, would share with us from time to time about the great work and visions of Martin Luther King, Jr., so from a young age, I learned to admire him and respect him.

I find a lot of similarities between Jesus, Martin Luther King, Jr. and all those who have dedicated their lives to service and public ministry. As Martin Luther King Jr. said himself “True peace is not merely the absence of tension; it’s the presence of justice.” 

He stood up, sat in, marched, and spoke for the issues he believed in, always with a sense of peace.  As he firmly believed and said that hate could not drive out hate, only love could do that. 

Every year on this day, I watch his full “I have a dream”, speech which took place during one of his marches in Washington on August 28, 1963.  Every time I listen to it, I get goosebumps, it’s such a powerful speech. 

When Selma came out on December of 2014, a friend and I drove an hour away to a theater that was playing it.  It was a small and artsy looking theater, there was a lot of snow on the ground and I can still remember the two of us, crossing the street, walking in, getting our popcorn and sitting down to enjoy this wonderful film.

Selma chronicles Dr. Martin Luther King’s Jr.'s campaign to secure equal voting rights via an epic march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama, in 1965.  I learned a lot through this movie.  Today, I leaned that my daughters have not seen it yet, so today, we will be doing just that in his honor. 

As we honor the incredible life and legacy of Martin Luther King, Jr., may we stand as a living witness to truth and freedom, to peace and justice, that all people may be raised up to a new hope. 💙

Sunday, January 17, 2021

It’s past 5 pm and I’m sitting in my living room, all by myself, looking out the big bay window to a snowy street.  A lamp shade is on by a corner near the chair where I’m sitting and this moment in time feels peaceful. 

Peace.  What an amazing word, with so much depth. 

I’ve been reflecting on the every day of life lately. It’s funny how a life changing event like death, put your life (literally) into perspective and what we used to focused on and pay attention to even on social media, or things we hear and see, seem so trivial all of a sudden. 

I have been taking inventory of where my focus was before my dad’s death versus now.  Not that my focus wasn’t positive or constructive, but it has taken a whole new shape, and I am really appreciating this new way of looking at life. 

I have truly felt God’s love and embrace these past few days through the love and support of family and friends.  Through them, He is holding me by my hand and whispering, “I am with you, and I will always be with you.” 

Faith, peace, refocus, blessings. ❤️

Saturday, January 16, 2021

My dad has been gone for two days today and the pain feels as heavy and real as the first moment when my brother spoke the words “dad just passed.” 

I’m sorry if I sound repetitive, but I just can’t transition that easy and fast from the grief I’m feeling to writing about anything else right now, because everything else, EVERYTHING sounds and seems so vain and so unimportant. 

I know that eventually I will move on, and I will start focusing on other things, but for now, I need to let my heart heal, I need to let my soul breath, I need to give myself time to learn how to tread water in the middle of a stormy ocean while keeping my head above water. 

My youngest brother got very sick the day my dad died and ended up in the hospital himself, was treated there and now he’s home with a heavy load of medications and resting so he can recover.  Four years ago he was critically ill and spent months in the hospital and we didn’t know what his fate was going to be, the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion of my dad’s last few days here on earth got the very best of his physical health, and now we are praying that he will be ok and that he recovers quickly from this.  Faith will carry us through this. 

Yesterday, my family picked up my dad’s cremated remains and they will stay at home until my brother gets better so they can celebrate a Funeral Mass for my dad before he goes to his resting place at the mausoleum at my childhood’s home parish, which is beautiful and so peaceful. 

My middle brother sent me a picture of my dad’s urn which they carefully placed in an altar my mom prepared for him.  It had some beautiful flowers that friends and family had sent, religious images, and right in front of the urn which is a dark brown with an engraved crossed on the box, sat my dad’s favorite water glass.  According to my brother, there is a story about it, and I can’t wait to hear it.

The image of the urn felt like a punch right in my chest, almost as if the air was sucked out of me without any physical contact.  How can a man that just a few days ago was doing life and having family dinners and eating cake and treats over the holidays be now in a box??? A small box, nothing but ashes.  Life is a strange thing, isn’t it?! But that’s when faith rescues us, and reminds us that we too, one day will turn to ashes and that our mission right now is to live our lives in the best way we can, with honor and respect and heavy loads of faith and joy. 

Death changes your perspective in so many ways and when you loose a parent, it feels like a link was broken and you have that much more responsibility to keep loving them and keep their memory alive.

Last night my dad visited me in my dreams.  I was entering the living room area of my childhood home, the same home where my mom still lives, and as I entered, I saw my dad standing tall, freshly shaven and looking so handsome.  In the dream my dad must’ve been in his late 40’s, right around the time when we moved into that house and when we started building some happy memories.  My dad was standing right next to the table where his ashes rest now and as I stood between the kitchen and the living room to look in his direction, my dad smiled the biggest smile, a smile he only smiled on times when he was really happy and feeling lots of joy.

Welcome home dad, welcome home. ❤️

Friday, January 15, 2021

Today was a not so good day, with some good of course like life always manages to do. 

A couple of last minute doctors appointments, one of them at the hospital, and then more not very good news from back home. 

My heart is breaking, my body feels completely overwhelmed and my soul feels tired.

Praying for a better tomorrow. ❤️

Thursday, January 14, 2021

I’m sitting by myself in a corner of the kitchen looking out the window, and feeling the blessings of nature as I see the tree branches slightly move with the air.

Nature, something my dad appreciated  with all his heart. 

My dad died in the early hours of this morning and from the moment I heard the words from my brother on the other side of the phone, I’ve been feeling this piercing, excruciating pain I’ve never felt before.  I’ve lost dear aunts and uncles, my grandma, a few cousins, and some dear friends, but nothing has felt like the pain and the grief I’ve been feeling today.  I guess it is true, the ache of loosing a parent is very different than any other, it’s piercing and harsh and almost numbing. 

I was reading a very interesting analogy about grief shared by a friend and how grief feels like being in the ocean pounded by huge, powerful waves and you feel like you can barely come up for air and it’s hard to even breathe, but with time the waves get smaller or they start to spread out and they give you more time to come up for a breath. The waves might never go away but eventually you get better at treading water. 

I am faithful that with time this feeling of loss and anguish will get easier, but right now the knowledge of knowing that I will never ever again see my dad in the flesh again, and that I will never hear his voice or have a conversation with him and feel his skin, it’s piercing and excruciating. 

This morning as I felt like I was in the middle of a stormy ocean processing it all and I could barely catch my breath, I talked to my mom and her faith, her acceptance and her calmness, eased my mind and my heart and all of a sudden I felt this amazing sense of peace and all that anguish I was feeling seemed to lessen.

Because I am a woman of faith, I am certain that my dad is now at peace, no longer in pain, suffering of any kind and hopefully already surrounded by loved ones gone before him. 

May you Rest In Peace dear dad, we will miss your wit and incredible thirst for knowledge.  Thanks for all the lessons and the love you shared with us on your earthly journey, I hope you can feel our love. ❤️

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Today I woke up feeling a little blah.  Do you ever have those mornings? You know what I mean.  Even my lower back hurt when I woke up, ay, ay, ay! I guess eventually the mind takes over the body and the body takes over the mind when you are constantly worrying about something. 

The good news is that I’m going in to work a little later today.  A little me time is essential to our overall well-being. 

I really miss sitting outside on the porch with my coffee! I did go out briefly this morning just so I could savor that feeling of holding my cup of coffee and the fresh air.  I didn’t last too long, it’s nice out but still Chicago winter, and I’m not that brave! 😉

I’m feeling a little out of control right now, too much happening at once, too many of those things I can’t control at all, and all the uncertainty is making me feel a bit overwhelmed, but I’m trying to keep the faith and stay positive, it’s all I’ve got going for me so far. Staying focused on the good, and letting God take charge of the other stuff. 

Sorry to be a blah today, but if I’m not real; I’m not me, so here is to the good, the bad and the ugly of life which is what makes us who we are, beautiful is with imperfections and all. Hiding it doesn’t do us any good. 💛

Have a lovely day! ✨

Tuesday, January 12, 2021

I woke up to a text I wasn’t quite expecting and my mind has been going a million miles an hour ever since.  Not my favorite way of starting the day, for I, did have a different plan for this morning, but isn’t it just how life works. As the saying goes “we make plans and God laughs.”  Maybe my conversation with my brother last night was preparing me for today. 

Because I can’t control everything or hardly anything in life, I will “control” what I can, like pouring myself a freshly brewed cup of coffee, finding a quiet area in my home to sip it away from everything else and enjoying this simple moment of peace and solitude. Ahhh, how I love these precious moments, just as much as I love and embrace the happy noise of my family and life. 

This morning not even the fridge is running, there is not a single sound in the kitchen where I’m sitting.  The girls are still asleep, Daisy decided to take a nap right after she woke up (the life haha), and Stan is at work.  I’ve got my coffee in one hand and my candle is lit right in front of my eyes. 

I am starting to feel a little antsy about this whole social distancing situation to be honest.  I want to be able to live life as before, but who doesn’t, right? I know we have to be patient and yes, we are definitely in a better position than most people, but that doesn’t mean that we should disregard our feelings.  It will be one year in March of this lockdown/social distancing/mask wearing situation, and I think it’s affecting us all emotionally, most people at least, in one way or another.  

I think what made it more real to me was the fact that I couldn’t book a flight and get on a plane immediately as I would’ve done it in the past, when my dad got really sick last week.  My mom is terrified of Covid, a fear that is almost paralyzing and it saddens me.  I couldn’t be selfish and give her that extra layer of anxiety of visiting after having traveled, and she’s scared for me as well of course.  That means, I don’t get to see my parents for another who knows what, it’s already been almost four years between Covid and other unforeseen circumstances when I already had a ticket in my hands... I don’t know how long my dad has... I don’t know if I’ll ever see him flesh to flesh again... I don’t know when I’ll be able to travel to my hometown again without making them feel uncomfortable... I don’t know... I don’t know... 

We have to go on with life and enjoy the more we can with what we have, but the physical separation and the very long distance between us and family is at times excruciating. One day at a time. 

For now, I will continue to enjoy the phone calls, the video chats - thank God for technology! - and the love I’m receiving from my family and the love I’m able to give back. 

If your family lives a “hop” away and you can see them any given day of the week even through a screen door... my prayer is that you feel those special blessings in your life wrapping you and comforting you. ❤️

Wishing you a lovely day ahead... make it a good one, make someone smile! ☀️

Monday, January 11, 2021

Today was a long day, filled with many commitments, responsibilities and every day worries and concerns, but unexpectedly I ended the day on a very good note having a casual conversation with my youngest brother.

We talked for over an hour and we laughed so much I cried at some point.  We both needed that.  

At the end of our conversation he said to me “I’ve been carrying many heavy burdens lately, worrying about things out of my control, and today I decided I’d live one day at a time.” 

So true.  Often, we spend a great deal of time worrying about things out of our control, and at the end of the day, week, month, year, we realize how much time we wasted worrying and burdening ourselves with unnecessary concerns.  

One day at a time is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves.

My brother said to me today. “Be sure to do something that makes YOU happy every day, whatever that could be.” I will keep that in mind everyday... 💛

Sunday, January 10, 2021

My alarm went off at 6:30 am and I could hardly get up.  My brain was telling, “come on, you’ll be late!” and my body was saying, “pleeeease, 15 more minutes!” I think I hit the snooze button at least twice and yes, I had to rush, and finish doing my hair at work, but hey, at the end of the day, things worked out and that’s what matters! 😉

Today was a busy day for me, a very busy day at work, but when I’m doing work I love, it doesn’t feel as heavy and the time flies by.  I love the interaction I have with people who care so much about others and give so much of their time to others without really expecting much or anything in return.  People with generous hearts that make the world go round and round. 

On another note, my dad has been hospitalized for five days now and although he’s still considered critical, he is stabled and amazingly enough making improvements. Five days ago we didn’t think he would make it, yesterday, things seemed to be turning the corner for him for the better.  Keeping the faith and trusting God’s will, that’s how we have been raised to live our lives and what brings peace to our hearts. 

My daughter seems to be doing a little better after wisdom tooth surgery, that was a tough one, she has a really hard time with it.  I’m hoping and praying tomorrow is a much better day. 

And on another note completely irrelevant to all of the above, but significant in my day nonetheless 😎 I had a conversation today with a friend about people who bring out the best in us and people who do exactly the opposite.  The bubble bursters if you may.  I remember when my children were younger and they’d come home from school upset about something someone had said or done to them, I’d say “there will always be a (Debbie or a Sabrina or a Janet... or whatever the name it is) in your life in one way or another, but it is how you react to their behavior and how much importance you give to their negativity and mean spirited behavior that matters the most.”  I always told them that in hopes of empowering their own minds and hearts so they could deal with whatever their day brought them.  

Sometimes, I need to get strength from that same logic I shared with them for so many years to deal with my own, Debbie’s or Sabrina’s or Janet’s. Yes, these names are made up basically. 😊

My quest in this world is to always surround myself with people that bring me peace, and positivity, that make me feel loved and wanted and appreciated and that when I see them or whenever I’m in their presence, I feel recharged and reenergized! ❤️

Ok, one more thing, just one more thing because this made me happy today. For the first time in a long, long time... I had brunch at a local restaurant with a friend.  They are following all safety protocols and they even have sneeze guards between booths which made me feel a lot more confident about being there.  Our lives have felt so upside down for so long now, that even this little outing felt like a big accomplishment.  Oh, the things we take for granted. 

Praying that soon, social distancing will be a thing of the past, that we won’t have to worry too much about being in public places, and that face coverings won’t be necessary.  Praying for a healthier and more peaceful world for everyone. ✌🏻

Saturday, January 9, 2021

I’ve been sitting in a corner of my kitchen for almost an hour. Just contemplating life and making all kinds of plans and building up dreams in my head. 😊

It’s fun to dream, isn’t it? And make plans and goals even if it’s momentary.  I do believe that if we just keep bringing those visions into our minds, the potential of them coming alive and becoming palpable is very possible. 

Yesterday was a rough day here, but today seems to be a little better although I’m not quite finding the motivation to do anything today, I think my body is just drained from all the running around and worrying and overthinking, so this quiet moment by myself in the kitchen (I can literally hear the faint sound of the fridge running that’s how quiet it is), is suiting me well.

My favorite candle is lit in front of me, burning bright and strong.  I love candles, I love coffee, I embrace the quiet in my life, and this moment right here, right now feels sacred, like a prayer. 

Maybe I’ll try making some breakfast now... or maybe I’ll sit here for another 20 minutes or so. 💛

Friday, January 8, 2021

Oh, what a day!!! But here I am, and I only cried once, so that’s a win! 😊

My dad has been hospitalized since Wednesday and his health continues to decline.  He seems to be in pain and more than anything really desperate and anxious as he is grasps for air. His lungs are not working anymore and there is almost nothing they can do to help him other than keep him comfortable.  Last night the UTI he had on top of everything else, went into his bloodstream, and it’s another layer of concerns and issues.  His heart is weaker too.  It’s SO extremely hard to be so far away from my family during these times, but I’m thankful for my brothers who are taking care of my mom and making sure she has all the things she needs while my dad is in the hospital, and most importantly right now, taking care of my dad. They’ve been taking turns and have lot left his side for one second.  Hospitals are never fun, but right now, they are particularly not pleasant with Covid on the rise once more. 

My oldest daughter had wisdom teeth surgery today and she has been in a great deal of pain since we got home, not even her prescription meds seems to be working. 😥 Praying that she’ll sleep well and that she will wake up feeling a lot better in the morning!!!

Work was super busy for me today, but I actually got a lot of good work done and even though I left the office late, I left with a feeling of accomplishment.  That helped me stayed focused on some positive today.

Tomorrow will be another day. For now, I will try to eat something and go to sleep, so I can get some rest. 

Oh, oh, on another happy note, my awful, horrific, not so pleasant migraine I had yesterday is GONE today, hurray for that! ❤️

Thursday, January 7, 2021

Well, the world around us feels (is) upside down again, nothing has felt very much normal for a long time, but we do what we can and we keep going because something that’s the best we can do for ourselves to say sane.

I’m still in a state of shock for the events that happened yesterday at the Capital Hill in Washington, and more so, devastated by the “cheerful” reactions of some people.  Having a public page of some sort is not just about providing some type of escape, but is so important also to be genuine, actually, I think that’s the most important thing. 

I remember when my girls were little and they would come home upset by the way friends treated them at school, or at a birthday party, or anything where they had contact with other kids, I would try my very best, after talking to them about it, to divert their attention and I would either bake something, or make their favorite meal, watch a movie together, go for a walk, something.  I didn’t want their young and sensitive mind to worry too much or at all.  At least, until they had to go back to school or whatever situation that would put them back in a not so friendly environment that had caused those unpleasant feelings. We can only protect so much. 

Although, they have certainly learned to deal with those unpleasant and unavoidable situations now, the world still sure knows how to provide ugliness in our midsts.  Well, I shouldn’t say “the world”, it’s more like people. And now that they are older and the hurts are are bigger and more serious, I’ll have to be honest, I feel kind of helpless and not very much fitted to “parent” or support properly with every situation that arises.

I walked in from home last night and all I could see in their faces was grief, and disbelief and anguish.  Real anguish!

I was too concerned about my own struggles of the day, and I couldn’t understand right away why they looked and felt so consumed.  It only took me a second, and I immediately had to change gears and put myself in their shoes in a way. 

Of course they were concerned about their grandpa who had been rushed to the hospital early in the day yesterday, but their grief and disbelief was all about the political climate and the many faces of humanity in our country right now. 

I don’t think I’ll be able to erase their expressions from my mind when I walked in from work, especially my oldest one who will be turning 23 soon.

Grief. Disbelief. Anguish. Fear. Anger. Sadness. 

And I couldn’t really do much, other than to listen to what they had to say and how they felt.  I couldn’t really take their pain away, I couldn’t possibly pacify them the way I would’ve want to, maybe listening was the best thing I could’ve done. 

I’m thankful that I have empathetic children.  Their empathy for others and the world around them is sometimes creeping, but I am thankful for their souls and the way they care about the world around them and their big thoughts and feelings. 

One day at a time. ❤️

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

My day was and felt like the longest day and I could say stressful (it was in many ways), but I’ll tell you what helped me get through. It was so long and stressful that I had three cups of coffee and forgot to take a picture of my cup. 

I know that sounds stupid, and it could be, but it makes me happy every time I take a picture of my coffee cup because coffee makes me happy and the cup I drink it in, contribute to that joy as well, so there!

This morning I was at work and after I finished recording our 94, soon to be 95 year old Priest (he’s amazingly sharp and wise in many ways by the way!), I went to check my phone and I discovered a flood of messages from my brothers and mom who are 2,000 miles away from me.  I knew something had to be going on before I even started reading. 

My dad had been rushed to the hospital with a very high fever, nonstop vomiting, really bad back pain and by the time he got to the hospital his oxygen levels were dropping more.

It’s been a long and trying day, and I could go on and on, but it’s almost 10 pm, I’ve covered a lot of territory in the day, and I need to go to sleep soon.

I’ve been migraine free for 20 days with a new maintenance prescription medicine my neurologist put me on, and today stress got the best of me and my head is throbbing.  Currently sitting with an ice pack on my head. 

But before I say good night, let me share the saving grace of the day.

I happen to work in a place that breathes FAITH, and grace and kindness.  I work with compassionate people that are rooted DEEP in faith, that lift me up with words of faith and kindness and remind me that my faith, our faith is one of the biggest gifts we have in life, especially challenging times.

Today, I’m grateful for the moments of faith and grace and kindness that lifted me when I felt lost, and far away and confused and frustrated things, related and unrelated to all the things that happened today. 

Letting go and letting God.

Goodnight. ❤️

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

Today was one of “those” days, everything seemed like an uphill and disappointment, but the good thing about today is that despite the yuck in my day, I persevered with Whole30 and I call that a WIN!!! 

I am a huge stress eater and being able to say no to comfort foods when I’m trying to stick to a food plan that I know is good for me in so many ways, it’s a huge success and today, I did just that. 

My oven is on right now, I have a huge pan of spaghetti squash inside, along with some red bell peppers, mushrooms, asparagus, and white onions that I will eat with a piece of chicken and I can hardly wait. 

Tomorrow will be another day.  I will put worries to rest and pray for a less disappointing day ha! 😃

Good night all! ❤️

Monday, January 4, 2021

Good morning!!! 💛

Today, I start my FOURTH round of Whole30 and I’m seriously so excited about it! 

The first time was definitely the hardest because I knew very little about the program and I had to learn on the “go” so to speak. 

The second round was very trying, I think my hardest one yet, I don’t remember exactly what month it was but what I do remember is having way too many temptations, celebrations, etc, that I had to avoid and continue to remind myself that I was stronger than my cravings. It was tough, but I did it! 

The third round which I finished in August of last year, has definitely been my favorite and most successful in all aspects!!!  It helped that it was summer time and I could go out for lots of walks and set goals for myself and then I would cook these super delicious meals and eat out in the deck and continue to enjoy the Summer glory. I felt like I was conquering my little world one day at a time.  At the end of round 3, I felt so incredibly accomplished. 

Unfortunately, Covid fatigue got to me and I started to eat things that are not necessarily good for me, I stopped going for daily walks and just like a game of dominos that you align perfectly for a tumbling effect, all that I had accomplished in those 30 days started to tumble and crumble down right before my eyes.  

I’ve always been a huge stress eater, that’s where I go when I’m feeling stress and life seems a little more out of sorts, food! And usually, not in moderation or foods that are necessarily good for me. 

I started getting take out and going through some drive thru’s at the end of some work nights and even though it always “satisfied” my instant craving, every time it left me with a feeling of guilt and my body didn’t feel great.

What I eat affects my body greatly, and my chronic pain seems to suffer the most.  I’m always trying to do my best, and all I can do is tackle one day, one month at a time. 

One thing that does help me a LOT, is meal prep! If I have all the foods I want and need ready to go, I’m not tempted to just grab what’s in front of me.  I have to be more discipline about that, but of course that takes a lot of work too and balancing a more than full time job, a house, and everything else, leaves very little room for a lot of meal planning and cooking and prepping, but it’s not impossible, it’s all about time management and the willingness to want to do it and more importantly the awareness of why we are doing it. 

With that being said, I’ll leave you to finish making my breakfast and then heading to work.  

Day 1 of Round 4... here I come!!! 🥳

Sunday, January 3, 2021

What you do in the 24 hours a day has, counts! Someone said that to me a couple of days ago and I couldn’t agree more. 

We can either spent those hours doing nothing or very little, or doing something we feel passionate about and really apply ourselves, whether it’s  learning about a new culture, a new language, history, reading, exercising, cooking, crafting, whether it is that we love, fitting it into our daily schedule counts for a lot and adds a lot of meaning and zest to our lives. 

It’s important to rest too and spend time meditating and simply pondering and wondering, but life has to be balanced. 

I’ve always been somewhat of an extremist, I’m either all or nothing, and I constantly have to look for that “perfect” balance in my life.  When I’m focused about things that fuel me, I stay focused and very passionate about it, but it only takes one little thing, distraction or temptation to derail me and then I’m back to square one.  I’m a work in profess, but aren’t we all! 

Tomorrow I start my fourth round of Whole30 and I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am about this!!! I can say with all sincerity that Whole30 has changed my relationship with food and how I connect with the way food fuels my body.  If I eat whole foods I feel whole and healthy, if I eat processed, overly salty and greasy foods, I feel just like that.  Funny thing is, when I eat within the Whole30 plan, I stay very focused on the foods that I eat, never limiting myself in quantity but making sure that I eat foods out (except for spices) of the aisles at the grocery store. 

When I don’t eat whole foods on a regular basis, all the other foods that are not so good for me, don’t feel “as bad”, but I know deep inside, they are not great for me, especially on my ongoing quest battling chronic pain.

What I eat matters tremendously for my body!!! I’ve experienced it over and over. 

Because we really shouldn’t put off goals and things we feel passionate about, I’m starting my day by cooking something delicious for breakfast, spaghetti squash, sweet potatoes and eggs, first time creating this combo of foods, but it’s starting to smell very delicious! 😍

My grandma’s biggest motto was: arrebatadamente! Which translates into something like: ASAP, don’t put it off, NOW, don’t wait, do it now, and so on. I think she came up with that word actually because I can’t find it anywhere, haha! But I wouldn’t be surprised either, that was my grandma!

To this day my siblings, my mom and aunts and uncles, cousins and anyone who knew my grandma says, “do as your grandma would have said... arrebatadamente.” And that’s why, I’m starting the day with a Whole30 warm up! 😉

Happy Sunday everyone! ❤️

Saturday, January 2, 2021

Good morning world!!! ❤️

It still feels strange to write January and then add 2021 next to it, but it’s a good “strange” feeling. 

I had a dream last night about a friend, a friend of mine that I was supporting through some struggles (in my dream), but about struggles she’s been facing in real life, and in the dream we had some hard conversations, we shared real life stories and in the dream I remember pausing many times during our conversation and allowing each other to simply take in the care and grief and love of the moment. 

I woke up this morning and my husband said to me “aren’t you going to open that gift your friend gave you?” I know what the gift was, it’s a yearly wall calendar my friend gives me every year - the same friend in the dream, although she was also part of my dream for a brief period giving counsel - but it was so beautifully and perfectly wrapped that I was enjoying even that in itself, staring at it and observing how carefully this gift was wrapped.  The foldings of the paper couldn’t have been more perfect, even the way the scotch tape was placed and the bow, well, that was simply art. 

Long story short, I did open the gift finally and the calendar quote for today was “there is room for you and me, for I am part of you, and you are part of me.” written by K. Sherman, CSJ

How amazing is that quote?! Reflect on it for a moment. 

I deeply believe that we are on this earth to support each other, to be present for one another and most importantly, that we belong to one another.  We are humans beings that need other human beings to help us carry our burdens, to celebrate accomplishments with us, and to navigate life with us and us with them.

Love is not selfish, love is kind, love is patient, love embraces our strengths and our weaknesses.  It protects, it trusts, it perseveres and most importantly, it HOPES. 

Thankful for the people in my life, thankful for the many times I’ve had a helping hand help me navigate through life and also very thankful for the opportunities I’ve had so far to be of support to other humans in my life, in whatever form it has been.

We belong to one another in deeper ways than we think. ❤️

Friday, January 1, 2021

Happy New Year 2021!!! ❤️

The day the world has been waiting for more than ever before. It’s here, it has arrived and it comes wrapped with opportunity and so much potential. 

I work at a church which means, works on weekends sometimes and special Feast days like today and our Pastor gave a beautiful reflection on the gift of celebrating a new year and the hope that comes with it.  

One thing he said that caught my attention in particular was about resolutions.  A lot of people make New Year’s resolutions like, exercise more, lose some weight, start a new project, travel, etc... but he “challenged” us to change the word resolution to PRAYER, and I really liked that. 

What if, instead of saying my New Year’s resolution is... we say, “my New Year’s prayer is... to eat healthier, to spend more time with family, to practice self care.”  I think there is a special kind of power granted if you may, when we simply switch the those two words.  Resolution vs Prayer.  I think it’s powerful and it really helped me centered my focus on starting a new year.

So, a few of my prayers for this year are to do just that. To eat more consciously focusing on foods that make my body feel healthier and that will help me manage chronic pain.  To assign at least one day at week for self care, a Maria day if you may, to find more time for prayer and mediation, to  stay connected in a more meaningful and deeper way with family and friends, to find time to do what inspires me, writing. 

Somehow, the word prayer, makes our wishes more palpable than when we say “resolution.” 

My first cup of coffee of the day was simply delicious today.  I’m looking forward to another year of daily coffee and life/faith sharing.  Cheers to ‘21! ❤️

Thursday, December 31, 2020

Well, here we are bidding farewell to 2020, a year that will be remembered by many for generations to come.

A year of great challenges, incredible losses, but also a year of personal, emotional and spiritual growth. 

If we’ve ever clung on to our faith more than ever, it was in 2020, at least speaking for myself.  

This year I witnessed dear, dear friends go through the horrifying experience of loosing loved ones, four of them unexpectedly, pain that will probably never go away.  Pain that might become a little “easier” to deal with at times, but will remain in their hearts and souls until they take their last breath themselves.  

Grief is something that you can’t simply pacify by turning the page and moving on.  Grief becomes part of who you are by these experiences, but I find comfort in knowing that all of them, are constantly being lifted in prayer by people that love them, and being comforted by life’s ordinary and daily miracles, the simple joys that we encounter by the love and kindness of others. They see it, these are people that recognize these miracles, and that in itself it’s a great gift. 

For us at home, as for many others, 2020 was supposed to be a year of celebration, a year of wonderful milestones and great opportunities. 

Our oldest daughter was supposed to be graduating from a Theater Conservatory in a grand and well known theater in New York City, weeks prior to that big graduation celebration, she had landed the lead role in the big end of the year graduation play that would’ve opened many doors in her professional career.  That didn’t happen. Instead, in the peek of rehearsal times, costume fittings and stage setting building, our family drove up to New York City to pick her up right before the closed borders after the Governor had mandated a complete lockdown as they faced horrifying Covid numbers.  We made it right on time, and it was a very bittersweet experience.  We were happy to have picked her up and know that she was safe and with us, but also, I remember looking back at that big city of opportunities in the Arts and not knowing when she’d be able to go back and under what circumstances.  

Michelle did graduate from College, it was a graduation via zoom, she got her diploma in the mail, and we watched her recorded play after taping through zoom as well, instead of live rehearsals and live audience.  Bittersweet. 

Our youngest daughter also had big milestones to celebrate and opportunities heading her way this year of 2020.  This was the year to graduate from High School, she was excited to do another season of Badmington, a sport she grew to love, and was devastated by seeing that dream of hers slowly be turned off. She was so involved in High School that she had many milestones to celebrate her Senior year.  She would had been part of a big all day event at school where she was to lead a group. It was her last year to go on a 10 day Mission trip to the Appalachian mountains, she had her big end of year Orchestra concert where they highlight all the Seniors and they all get a solo or special part in the concert and awards and flowers and all kinds of fun things are presented, her last end of year Tennis bash, last this, last that... all of that wen puff in the air when her school closed it’s doors on March 13, 2020 and went online for classes 100%.  I will never forget the day I picked her up from school that day.  THAT day, she was supposed to be having her Badmington sports pictures taken. She had made the Varsity team again after days of tryouts, and she was so excited! Bella has always been the sunshine at home, and I could physically sense her sadness that day as she jumped in the car, rackets and violin in hand knowing that most likely all the things she had hoped and wished for her Senior day at High School was now gone. Crushing. 

Bella too graduated.  She finished clases via zoom and I couldn’t have been more proud of the way she tackled these classes and how well she did considering the circumstances. She applied to a few Colleges and Universities and got acceptances to some pretty amazing schools, we were so, so proud of her! She eventually chose a school she wanted to attend in the Fall and found joy in that hope.  Eventually, she made a decision to stay home and attend community college instead since her classes wouldn’t have been online anyways.  I’d like to say here, bittersweet also, but there was not much sweetness about these decisions, other than the fact that she also had good opportunities at our community college with a full scholarship and a home and a family that love her deeply, encourage her and support her.  So more than bittersweet, maybe it was a disguised blessing, I’d like to see it that way. 

We celebrated both of the girls graduations in the best of our abilities with yummy foods, barbecues, family car rides, balloons and everything and anything I could think of to make things a little lighter and fun.  I think it was worth it.  

They both struggled with ups and downs and some anxiety caused by the lockdown of this Covid times, but we did that we could as a family to stay afloat.  It was a challenging year. 

We also made GREAT memories as a family this year.  We spent time together that otherwise we hadn’t been able to spend.  I’m especially grateful for the relationship that my girls have.  They are each other’s bigger support system. They are each other’s shoulder to cry on and laughter when they need to be goofy and silly. They get each other, they love each other immensely and unconditionally, they teach me each day what love looks like.

For me, 2020 was a year of growth.  I felt like I had to learn all over again how to parent, especially.  I was especially thankful for Stan’s support, wisdom, faith and humor, I don’t think I would’ve gotten through the year with sanity if it hadn’t been for him, I say this with all sincerity. He rescues me every time I think I can’t keep going on. 

My job was another huge blessing this year and a year of growth.  As much as I wish we had never had to close doors at the church and then find, create and establish new procedures for reopening, that alone taught me a great deal about my profession and I feel like I grew up so much professionally speaking because of it.  It opened many other doors for me and I will forever be thankful for my job as a “church lady.” 

And although I could go on and on and on about 2020, I better stop here because I have things to do and places to go... 😉 but, I couldn’t finish this page without mentioning the three F’s that “saved” me this year.   FAITH, FAMILY and FRIENDS! ❤️❤️❤️

I will forever be thankful for the gift of faith that was planted in my soul from the moment I took my first breath on this earth.  My family near and faraway that loves me and supports me every step of the way NO MATTER WHAT, and my friends that are always around the corner in my life, ready to lend an ear, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, or have a word or two of wisdom for me to help me move on in the world. 

Here is to a year that started with us dancing for joy and in celebration for what it was to come, and then took us through a dark tunnel of uncertainty when we least expected it, but also, to a year that taught us to love deeper, to be more faithful, and to act kindly. ❤️

Cheers to a new year, new hope, more love, and new opportunities... love to you all! ✨

Wednesday, December 30, 2020

I decided to take a well deserved day, if I say so myself.  As much as I love working and appreciate the opportunity to do it, I have to say that I also recognize the need to simply sit back and relax and do absolutely nothing!!!

Today, has been a day of nothingness and I’m not going to lie, I’ve felt a little guilty because I always feel like there is something that can be done or worked on and I don’t like (have never liked that) my kids, which are not little anymore, watching me be “lazy”.  I have always struggled with that, but I also understand the importance for our children to see us take time for ourselves, and not just work, work, work.  Leisure is as important as work. 

With that being said, I will continue this day of relaxation doing a whole bunch of nothing, if you know what I mean. 😃

The agenda for the rest of the day:

Watch a movie or two. 

Take a nap.

Drink more coffee.

Have dessert.

Order take out. 

In LOVE with today! ❤️

Tuesday, December 29, 2020

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas... everywhere you go! 🎶

We got the first heavy snowfall of winter so far and it’s sooo pretty I can hardly stand it! I was so excited about it that I even made myself another cup of coffee that I’m enjoying right now with one of the many Christmas treats I’ve been getting from friends.  I have to say, I might not love snow all through winter, but I do love the first snowfall of the year, it looks so majestic and the air feels blessed!

In the past few days I’ve been getting food donations from the reverse Advent calendar project I did with some friends and it has been so wonderful receiving these donations that I know were gathered with lots of love and care for others.  A Girl Scout that dropped off donations with her family said “there is a lot of joy in helping others”, so sweet!!! It really warmed my heart to hear a 12 year old say that after collecting those food items for people in need.  A simple act of kindness touches people and hearts beyond our imagination... it creates a ripple of blessings and love. 

Nothing fills my heart more and makes me happier that generous people.  People that help, people that answer yes to the needs of others, whatever those needs might be. 

“The best part of life is not just surviving, but thriving with passion and compassion and generosity and kindness.” Maya Angelou 

Monday, December 28, 2020

It was nice not to set up my alarm clock for this morning for the first time in a long, long time!!! Although my body wakes up naturally now at the same time these days, knowing that I didn’t have to sprint out of bed to shower and get ready for work was definitely a treat.

With that being said, I still need to get some work done but I’m taking my time this morning drinking my coffee and relaxing before I have to go anywhere.

Today I’m determined to get some organizing done at home, something I haven’t been able to do lately because I simply haven’t had the time or the energy to do it, so hopefully today I’ll have the time and the energy. 💪🏻

And changing subjects a bit... 

We all know the well known saying “there is always two sides of a story...” and that couldn’t hold more truth!  Just because someone is saying one thing doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the true version of events.

Every story, every situation, every experience always has two sides if not more.  The way we experience something and the way we perceive it.  The love, the hurts, the words, the way we feel and express ourselves.

When I feel hurt or offended by someone, I try my very best to see the other person’s point of view, but I also wonder if the other side sees the way I’m perceiving it, feeling and hurting by their words or/and actions.  I know, I know, I probably put way too much energy into this, but I can’t help it. I’m always hopeful that the intentions from the other person were never ill intended but simply ignorant, it works better for my health and sanity to view it that way, even if it’s not.

My point with this is, I think we are becoming an over sensitive society where everything and anything we say and/or do offends someone.  You can’t be too honest or simply honest these days, even if you are expressing your opinion in the nicest of ways without the other party jumping to conclusions.

Why is that? 

I don’t really know, and I wouldn’t dare to say why, because I am not a profesional on this matter, other than my own personal experience.  We seem to live in the Age of Sensitivity, or at least it seems.  We have to be SO careful with what we say, how we say it, when we say it and whom we say it too.  Truthfully! 

On that note, we must of course be sensitive and respectful of one another, but at the same time work on creating boundaries so that by respecting others opinions and ways of living and thinking, we don’t disrespect ourselves in the process.

“There is always two sides of a story...”, seems to be a little more complex than we thought, but if we really think about it, we can also learn a lot from working on understanding the why’s of how people react to certain situations.  

Healing can be found in everything we do in life, if we are open enough to learn new lessons. 

Sunday, December 27, 2020

In the Hanukkah menorah, the candle used to light the other candles is called “the shamash”. 

On Christmas Eve at the Catholic Church where I work and worship, our Pastor celebrated the last liturgy of the day as a candlelight Mass.  After people came in to check in and get sanitized and do all the proper protocols, they were handed a candle (not lit) to keep with them throughout the Mass.

Just before Mass started, all the lights in the church were dimmed and candles were lit one by one, starting with a big candle used by our Pastor after blessing the Nativity who was then passed to the person next to him, and then the other person, and the other person, creating a rippling effect of light!!! Just within a few minutes, the entire church was illuminated by the light that these candles were producing.  One candle, lit all the other candles and set the mood for our beautiful liturgy. 

That practice made me reflect on how our own light, our mood, our reactions, the way we treat others, also has a rippling effect on the lives of others.  How we treat others MATTERS, our words, MATTER, the love and energy we send out to the world and those around us, MATTERS.

I think it’s a beautiful coincidence that so many faiths use candles as their main symbol to teach and evangelize.

We might come from different faiths, different religions and ways of worshiping, but we are all connected through the same light and love we give to others. 

May we always be bearers of positivity, bearers of joy, hope, love, peace and make every effort to shine the light within us as it was meant to be from the moment we were born. 

This morning I woke up with that thought on my mind, thankful for the people that bring light and joy to my life, and I thought “what a wonderful world it would be if we all purposely went out of our way every day to spread that light...” then headed downstairs to the kitchen to brew myself a fresh cup of coffee and lo and behold, the beautiful cup above in which I brewed my coffee, was literally staring at me when I opened the cabinet, and I know it was meant to be because I have an entire cabinet filled with coffee cups and every day I have to go searching just for the “perfect” cup for my coffee... not today.  Today, the cup chose me! ❤️

This little light of mine

I'm going to let it shine

Oh, this little light of mine

I'm going to let it shine

This little light of mine

I'm going to let it shine

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

Ev'ry where I go

I'm going to let it shine

Oh, ev'ry where I go

I'm going to let it shine

Ev'ry where I go

I'm going to let it shine

Let it shine, let it shine,

let it shine

All in my room

I'm going to let it shine

Oh, all in my room

I'm going to let it shine

All in my room

I'm going to let it shine

Let it shine, let it shine,

let it shine

This little light of mine

I'm going to let it shine

Oh, this little light of mine

I'm going to let it shine

This little light of mine

I'm going to let it shine

Let it shine, let it shine,

let it shine 🎶

Saturday, December 26, 2020

Yesterday, was one of the happiest days I’ve had in a while.  I worked from early morning until around just past noon and then came home to my family. 

Although I was really tired yesterday when I woke up from working really long hours the day before, I had this enormous sense of joy, and by the time I arrived at work to get things ready for our Christmas Mass it was like my body wasn’t even tired anymore, every corner of the church spoke of joy and hope and love, and so much peace.  I’m always thankful for my faith, but it’s especially times like right now, when we live surrounded by uncertainty and grief from the hard year we’ve all had - some people have experience grief at really hard and extreme levels - that I am MOST thankful for the gift of faith. 

After church I went home to have breakfast (well, it was more like lunch) with my family.  Stan was already in the kitchen getting some things ready, I had cooked the main dish the night before and he was taking care of the side dishes and garnishes.  The girls were upstairs finishing showers and getting dressed and the house had a particular feeling of peace and calm in the air, and I couldn’t have been happier about it, I really needed that.

We prayed at the kitchen table before our meal, we enjoyed our food, we laughed, we talked A LOT, enjoyed our very many different drinks haha and then we opened Christmas presents.  

I didn’t grow up with an over abundance of Christmas presents or that very many to be honest, and I have modeled that practice in our house now as well. The years of Christmas gifts extravaganza were definitely when my girls were little, like toddler and early elementary years I’d say, then we scaled down a lot, now, my youngest who is 18 years old, all she asked for was her favorite brand of nail polish and Polaroid film haha love it!!!  My oldest (23 next month) also requested essentials, things she needs for her big move, and I have to say that their Christmas “lists” brought me a lot of joy, even though they made it hard to shop for, especially my youngest, because there was not a lot to shop for.

After breakfast and gifts opening, we fixed ourselves our favorite coffees and teas, grabbed a few treats and headed to the living room for a double Christmas feature of “Dr. Seuss, The Grinch” and the old time favorite, Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase, but the time the second movie ended, I was having a really hard time keeping my eyes open.

Before I went to bed, I washed a few dishes that were in the sink and chatted with my mom on the phone while I washed dishes, something we do quite often.  She told me about their day, and how much fun they had. My brothers grilled all kinds of delicious steaks and made quesadillas on the grill and fresh salsa, yum (it’s always sunny in Mexico, even on winter days 🥰), and then they watched a movie after dinner.  It made me happy to listen to her Christmas Day tale of happy events. 

Yesterday, was indeed the happiest day of the year. We celebrated the birth of Jesus, the REAL reason for the season, and in a serendipity kind of way, we all experienced that joy inside and outside of the church and especially in our hearts. 

May the joy and hope and love and PEACE of this Christmas season remain in your hearts for days and months to come. ❤️

Saturday, December 26, 2020

Yesterday, was one of the happiest days I’ve had in a while.  I worked from early morning until around just past noon and then came home to my family. 

Although I was really tired yesterday when I woke up from working really long hours the day before, I had this enormous sense of joy, and by the time I arrived at work to get things ready for our Christmas Mass it was like my body wasn’t even tired anymore, every corner of the church spoke of joy and hope and love, and so much peace.  I’m always thankful for my faith, but it’s especially times like right now, when we live surrounded by uncertainty and grief from the hard year we’ve all had - some people have experience grief at really hard and extreme levels - that I am MOST thankful for the gift of faith. 

After church I went home to have breakfast (well, it was more like lunch) with my family.  Stan was already in the kitchen getting some things ready, I had cooked the main dish the night before and he was taking care of the side dishes and garnishes.  The girls were upstairs finishing showers and getting dressed and the house had a particular feeling of peace and calm in the air, and I couldn’t have been happier about it, I really needed that.

We prayed at the kitchen table before our meal, we enjoyed our food, we laughed, we talked A LOT, enjoyed our very many different drinks haha and then we opened Christmas presents.  

I didn’t grow up with an over abundance of Christmas presents or that very many to be honest, and I have modeled that practice in our house now as well. The years of Christmas gifts extravaganza were definitely when my girls were little, like toddler and early elementary years I’d say, then we scaled down a lot, now, my youngest who is 18 years old, all she asked for was her favorite brand of nail polish and Polaroid film haha love it!!!  My oldest (23 next month) also requested essentials, things she needs for her big move, and I have to say that their Christmas “lists” brought me a lot of joy, even though they made it hard to shop for, especially my youngest, because there was not a lot to shop for.

After breakfast and gifts opening, we fixed ourselves our favorite coffees and teas, grabbed a few treats and headed to the living room for a double Christmas feature of “Dr. Seuss, The Grinch” and the old time favorite, Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase, but the time the second movie ended, I was having a really hard time keeping my eyes open.

Before I went to bed, I washed a few dishes that were in the sink and chatted with my mom on the phone while I washed dishes, something we do quite often.  She told me about their day, and how much fun they had. My brothers grilled all kinds of delicious steaks and made quesadillas on the grill and fresh salsa, yum (it’s always sunny in Mexico, even on winter days 🥰), and then they watched a movie after dinner.  It made me happy to listen to her Christmas Day tale of happy events. 

Yesterday, was indeed the happiest day of the year. We celebrated the birth of Jesus, the REAL reason for the season, and in a serendipity kind of way, we all experienced that joy inside and outside of the church and especially in our hearts. 

May the joy and hope and love and PEACE of this Christmas season remain in your hearts for days and months to come. ❤️

Friday, December 25, 2020

Joy to the world, the Lord is come! ❤️🎶

After 12+ hours of nonstop running around in preparation for Christmas Masses at the church, I’m now resting my feet, eating all kinds of delicious food, I’m officially in pajamas, enjoying my family and our time together.

Yesterday was a little tough for me, I felt sad most of the day for some reason, well, I think I know the reason.  I was feeling the heaviness of this year in my heart and I couldn’t shake it off.  I went to sleep and wept a little silently after we had dinner, then this morning I woke up early and left for work almost immediately to get ready to live stream Christmas Day mass and do a few other things. 

The spirit of Christmas could be felt all throughout the church building, it was wonderful seeing so many happy people and families arrive to celebrate Mass with us.  People have been so gracious and kind and I have been very touched with their love and generosity. 

By the time I left work, I was tired but happy.  As soon as I got home we had brunch and then opened Christmas presents, attempted to take a family picture (ok, didn’t turn out to be too bad considering the circumstances and the fact we were using a timer 😂), and then had dessert while watching “Dr. Seuss’ The Grinch”.  

I’m thankful for the laugher, I’m even thankful for the tears that make me appreciate even more the moments of joy, but I’m most thankful for the miracle of Christmas that nourishes me my soul. 

Lifting up my glass (or coffee cup that is...) to kindness and love and the things we need most. ❤️

A very Merry and Blessed Christmas to all! 🎄💫

Thursday, December 24, 2020

This morning as I prepare to start my Christmas Eve day, many people come to mind.

Family members and friends who will spend their first Christmas without their loved ones.  Friends facing uncertainty or worry in their lives.  People everywhere with aching hearts because the absence of a loved one never gets easy and for those who right now are feeling lonely or displaced.

May the mystery and sacredness of this season break through their darkness and bless everyone with a glimpse of hope and joy in their journey.  May we always be aware of the heavy burdens and sadness some people carry, especially around this time of the year.

In silence, Lord,

I place myself amongst all those

in many parts of the world 

and in various circumstances 

who are praying for peace

on this day,

as I, too, pray for peace. ❤

Wednesday, December 23, 2020

What a day this Christmas Eve Eve has been!!! Work has been very busy lately, but of course, working at a church means, Christmas being one of the biggest liturgical seasons is lots of projects and things to get done before Masses and many other preparations.

This season I’m super thankful for our Pastor that encourages us daily to look for signs and moments of faith and grace that lead us to a more spiritual life as we anticipate in great joy for Christmas Day, the birth of Jesus, the reason for this season.

After work I ventured out to the mall (I know crazy me, I don’t even like going there), to get our annual Christmas ornaments.  If there is anything I focus on every year, it’s those ornaments.  I almost didn’t find the kiosk where they sell them when suddenly I noticed a huge store dedicated to Christmas ornaments and I found the perfect ones, I was a very happy camper.

As soon as I got home from work and the mall, Stan, the girls and I went to see a light show about 22 miles from our house and it was worth every mile, it was so beautiful!

Now, we are home, it’s almost 11 pm, I could tell many, many, more stories about the day, but I’d need at least another hour to recount. 😁

I think I’m going to put my feet up for a few minutes more before I go to sleep.  Tomorrow is another busy day for me at work, live streaming, taking pictures, coordinating the reservation system and reopening and being there for our parishioners.  I love my job! 

Happy last day of Advent! 💜

Tuesday, December 22, 2020

How can we be two days away from Christmas Eve??? It just doesn’t feel like Christmas yet to me, does it?

Speaking of Christmas, last night I did something that brought me a lot of joy, I addressed Christmas cards, something I haven’t done in at least 10 years, it’s been so long since I’ve mailed Christmas cards I don’t even remember when it was.  

Receiving Christmas cards from friends in the mail is one of the most joyful experiences for me during the Christmas season, I literally jump out of my car when I get home from work, and excitedly leap to the mailbox to see if we got any Christmas cards.  Imagine a young child opening presents on Christmas day, that’s me when I rip open the envelopes.  Receiving Christmas cards in the mail brings me even more joy than opening presents on Christmas Day itself!  

As soon as we get a new card, I carefully tape it to the coat closet by the front door of the house where the Christmas cards are beautifully displayed during the Christmas season.  Every day as we go to take our winter coats out of the closet before leaving the house or do anything in the entry way of the house, we look at those cards and we smile.  If I were to speak for myself in our home, looking at the cards makes me VERY happy! I look at the pictures, and the families, and the messages and their faces inspire me.  Yes, I do put a lot of effort and attention to these beautiful Christmas cards.  I treasure them and keep them as keepsakes year after year.  At the end of each Christmas season, I carefully gather them and wrap with a big bow before they are tucked in for the year, oh they bring me so much joy.

Designing the cards, ordering them, picking up holiday stamps, addressing them and dropping them off at the post office last night gave me a special sense of the magic of Christmas, and I think I will make a plan from now on to send out Christmas cards every year.  My husband even wrote a poem, he got inspired too! 🥰

Working at a church and Christmas season means... loads of work, thankfully, work I LOVE to do!!! 

After a long day at the office and many projects getting done left and right almost literally, I got home to finish addressing envelopes and then looked at a couple of presents I received from two friends yesterday.  When I got home I told the girls I was going to put them under the Christmas tree and open them on Christmas Eve, well, who was I fooling?! As soon as Stan and the girls went upstairs to sleep, and I got done with my Christmas card project, I looked at those presents looking at me and thought “ah no, you guys are getting opened TONIGHT!” 😂

Well, let me tell you a little story.  I found myself in my kitchen, by myself, eating a piece of Asiago toast, and crying, literally tears streaming down my face at the thoughtfulness of those gifts.  Each gift was so incredibly thoughtful and especially made for me that it made me very sentimental (in a good way).  I was sitting on my kitchen chair teary eyes and overwhelmed with joy, and thinking... I am blessed.

I am blessed with a family that loves me and supports me.  I am blessed with wonderful friends that bring me so much joy and a community of faith and people that lift me up and encourage me with their own witness of life. 

So perhaps I didn’t really quite get into the Christmas season right away, and maybe I just wasn’t feeling the spirit of Christmas from the very beginning, but I’m thankful for the reminders that Christmas doesn’t come with an agenda, and that the blessings of the season are found in the people that we love and love us in return and the moments of joy we encounter daily. ❤️

Monday, December 21, 2020

It’s Monday, another glorious week that’s starting with the sun shinning, and I’m thankful for the opportunity to be leaving the house to go to work, something I never take for granted.

Today I’m feeling a little sluggish from the new prescription meds they put me on for migraines and although I don’t like the feeling I’m feeling and want to quit cold turkey, I know I shouldn’t, I have to make my best effort to see if THIS will work for me, perhaps something will finally work, we shall see! I might not be happy, but I get an A for trying! 😉

My daughters made kolaczi last night, the official Polish cookie that is so delicious!!! They were in the kitchen for five straight hours if not longer and did everything by themselves, I just peeked in a few times to give a few directions but never got my hands “dirty”, they get all the credit for this!  The state of the kitchen is questionable, although they did clean up a lot, the kitchen floor feels like you are stepping into the biggest bakery in the world, I might have to change my socks before I leave for work! 😁

Christmas Eve is just three days away and I still have, oh so much to do, but I’ve never worried before, eventually, things get done and we enjoy the day fully. 🎄

Wishing you a happy joyful day ahead! ❤️

Sunday, December 20, 2020

A few days ago I started taking a new maintenance migraine prescription pill that it’s supposed to help lower the number of times I get migraines in a month.

I’m always skeptical of “maintenance” prescription meds, but when you hit a dead end road, you have very few alternatives and desperate times, call for desperate measures, so I said yes, I’ll try it... again! This is not the first time I’ve been put on a maintenance medicine for migraines but the first prescription gave me such drastic side effects I decided to stop. 

This new medicine is supposed to be milder, and less side effects, the one side effect to be expected however, is drowsiness, so it’s recommended to be taken at night.  Apparently, eventually your body gets used to it and it doesn’t affect you in that way, but it helps with the number of migraines I’d get in a month. 

So far, I’ve had great sleep the last few nights but I definitely don’t like the lethargic feeling it leaves me with during the day, I need energy, lots of energy to do all things I have to and want to do. 

I’ve decided to give it a try and take it for a month and see if it will help, I definitely don’t want to feel like I’m missing half the day but feeling somewhat out of it.

Ugh, there is just not an easy way to address chronic pain, and since it’s a “silent” illness, one where you don’t physically show signs of it, it’s damaging in other ways as well. 

For now, I’ll take advantage of the sleep opportunities and take my medicine early evening so I can wake up refreshed and ready to tackle any work in the morning! 🥳

Saturday, December 19, 2020

Last night I got home from work to find a super cute little Christmas bag that had my name on it.  It made me so, so happy even looking at it.  So happy, that I decided to simply stare at it for a little while longer, leave it on the counter and wake up to the surprise of opening it and making me happy again. Silly, but it’s not often I get excited about things like that, or get surprised of these type, so I embraced it! 🥰

As soon as I woke up I wanted to go downstairs to open the bag and find out what there was inside. To be honest, I thought it was a bag of homemade cookies 😂 - I thought, yum, I’ll have them with my coffee this morning, little did I know it wasn’t cookies but a beautiful and personalized brand new coffee cup made especially for me with all the love in the world! 😍 It also came with the cutest pair of taco socks haha and a taco ornament for my Christmas tree, so adorable! 

I’m very grateful for friends that get me, that listen, that stick with me no matter what and that love me and accept me exactly for who I am.

This Christmas season definitely feels a little off balance, but the gift and blessing of the season doesn’t change and that’s truly what we need to focus on.  Embracing every blessing that comes my way and celebrating the little things that make the big picture at the end. ❤️

Friday, December 18, 2020

Energy is contagious, SO contagious! 

Positive energy from people of good, people that radiate kindness and goodwill is so revitalizing.  When you surround yourself with this type of people, you feel renewed and as if you could conquer the world.  You feel energized, optimistic, hopeful, joyful, simply amazing!  Positive people, people with good energy will make you feel like you are worthy and capable of doing and being anything you ever dreamed of doing and being.  

People that manifest and send out negative energy can be physically sensed and felt.  When you surround yourself, or simply are around people whose vibes are negative, your body feels drained and your soul feels spent.  It’s like running a marathon, going uphill and people booing you instead of cheering you.  Negativity in all it’s forms is toxic and draining. 

Have you ever been in there situations before? Have you been surrounded by positive people and negative people?  Perhaps not by choice, but by necessity and coincidence.  I have.  Both forms of energy, and I can tell you honestly and sincerely (at least in my experience) that energy from people can be physically felt, experienced from deep inside our souls. 

I’ve experienced both this week.  I’ve reflected on both DEEPLY when it’s happened. My body physically goes through a metamorphosis when I’m around people with good every, and the same in a very opposite way, when I’m exposed (not by choice), by people that send out a negative, unpleasant vibe. 

I’ve always analyzed behaviors.  I actually think that I overanalyze behaviors, I simply can’t help it.  I think I was born with an old soul.  Behaviors from other people, whether positive or negative, have a huge impact on me.  They can either make me soar, or push me down.  It doesn’t matter how much I talk myself into ignoring negative behaviors, I can’t.  I’m a work in progress. 

This is my goal. To work in the way I perceive energy from others and how to welcome it or make it stop. 

Life is energy in movement, may we always be conscious of the energy we want to give to others and how that energy makes others around us make them feel. ❤️

Thursday, December 17, 2020

It was another long day at the office yesterday so today I decided to go in later, and do a few things around the house, so far, so good! 😉

I’m sitting in the kitchen, I have a candle lit on the table and I’m sipping a hot cup of coffee, and at this moment everything is right with the world, I’ll take it. 

A few days ago my mom was sharing the story of her dear uncle who was adopted at birth.  He was my grandma’s brother and the youngest of the family.  When my grandmother was still a baby or maybe barely a toddler, her dad used to work at a Catholic hospital and one day the Director of the Hospital and a nun that worked in the labor and delivery unit approached him about the possibility of adopting a baby whose mother had died at birth and whose father decided to give him up for adoption (maybe one day I’ll share the entire story).   My great grandfather went home immediately to talk to my grandma’s mom about adopting this baby. Grandma used to tell the story that her mom’s answer to my great grandfather was immediate, “yes, we will adopt him.” 

My mom’s uncle became part of their family from the moment he was born.  Raised by two amazing loving human beings that put aside their needs and wants and made the needs of this brand new life a priority.  

My mom has the best memories of her uncle, and just before covid started, she visited her late uncle’s wife and cousins and she said her aunt showed her all the letters my mom used to write to her uncle who at the age of 20 something had moved out of state.  

Now I know where my grandmother got her generous spirit from and her desire to always help anyone that came to her for assistance of any type.  Generosity is born from generosity and living a life a service is one of the best legacies we can leave behind. 

Thankful for the each moment I get to spend on the phone with my mom sharing stories, laughing, crying and being present for each other. ❤️

Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Well, this is my Christmas story, my shopping Christmas story that is. 

I have zero presents for anyone yet, I’ve never liked going to department stores and especially now I’m not setting foot in one, not for a while, and yes, I know I can shop online but work has been intense lately and by the time I get home I only have time and energy for the bare minimum but tomorrow I shall tackle that project and hopefully Santa will be good to me and deliver all the presents on time! 😁

Today was a busy and productive day and I’m thankful for it.

Big news in town (or my house that is) is that my youngest daughter had her last final of her first college semester today and we are so happy we can’t hide it, SO happy we are celebrating with one of her favorite, if not her favorite meal, chicken wings from a local restaurant that she loves! These days and every day is about celebrating the special moments and she’s been working so hard on everything school related that she deserved every wing she got! 🥳

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a new neurologist to address my migraines and I’m really hoping this new doctors is able to answer some of my questions about these annoying and debilitating migraines.  Thankfully, I’ve been feeling pretty good the last few days and I’m very thankful for that!

Good evening everyone! ❤️

Tuesday, December 15, 2020

Last night I watched a documentary on Netflix called “The Surgeon’s Cut” that follows the lives of four medical professionals pioneers in their fields.  I was so glued to the tv that I could’ve watched all four episodes last night, but it was getting late and I had to go to sleep so I could wake up rested for work today. 

The first episode follows the life of Doctor Kypros Nicolaides, a fetal surgeon pioneer in his field.  His humbleness and philosophical way of seeing life really touched my heart, and I went to bed saying a prayer for him as he is facing some health challenges of his own.  

The second episode is centered on the life of the head brain surgeon at the Mayo Clinic, born and raised in Mexico from very humbled beginnings who actually came to the US illegally and built a life for himself, and in what way.  He tells the story of a conversation he had with his cousin while working in the cotton fields sharing with him that he wanted to learn English to what his cousin promptly replied “you don’t have to learn English, you already have a job picking cotton and you should be thankful for that.”  Doctor Quiñones shared that that particular moment was the beginning of the end and the end of a brand new beginning.  He left the next day, found himself another job and started taking English classes at night after a long day’s work.  He went from Harvest to Harvard in less than 7 years, and the amazing way in which he has touched so many lives with his gift of medicine, is just incredible.  

Although I was so touched and impressed with their stories, the series left me reflecting on my own life, with the way we live our lives. 

What is our mission in life?

Are we doing enough? 

Are we challenging ourselves in a way that the gifts we were born to offer to the world are being used and explored?

How do we even seek?

Where do we begin? 

Is there something else waiting for us ready to be discovered? 

I have always been a true believer in seeing the gift of the ordinary, I think there is real value in that, actually a lot of value on that, but I also believe that we are all born with extraordinary gifts. Qualities that are raw jewels waiting to be discovered and polished. 

There is so much to be done in the world, so many great causes and things to fight for, and joy to be shared with others.  

How do we do it? Where do we begin?

I think the key is visualization.  I have a good story about that, something my grandma shared with me once about visualizing her own life after a horrific experience she endured and how she overcame it.  I think I’ll share that story tomorrow, it has always touched me and helped me see the world from a different perspective. There are SO many people making a difference in the world, but last night, Doctor Kypros and Doctor Quiñones left me yearning for more. ❤️

Monday, December 14, 2020

I took a very much and well deserved (if I say so myself 😂) half day off today to be and work from home and do everything and anything I needed and wanted to do.  Sounds like a luxury, right? It really isn’t, but being on the go all the time with work and life, makes you appreciate even more the days when we don’t have to get dressed and get in the car to go somewhere. 

I am sitting in the kitchen trying to figure out what to make for dinner, my fridge is exploding with produce that needs to be used, but don’t have a whole lot of protein to go with, but I’ll figure something out I’m sure. 

I’ve been taking a little bit of a break from my personal social media accounts and I have to say that it has felt like a cool breeze in a hot summer day.  Social media tends to overwhelm me, especially around the holidays, and Covid and politics hasn’t helped matters either, but it’s nice that we have the power of picking and choosing what and when we want to be exposed to “news” and things we see. 

I’m praying that early next year I’ll be able to visit my parents, it’s been way too long, but I’m thankful for technology that allows me to feel them right next to me when we talk on the phone.  Well, I talk to my mom on the phone, my dad is not much of a phone talker, but my mom makes sure to fill me in with news about dad which is nice.

It’s a sunny day in Chicago and I’ve decided to take a short walk even though it’s still very cold, but my body and mind need the warmth and the light of the sun.  

I guess I’ll start cooking now so I can later relax watching a movie or something like that. 😉

Enjoy today! ❤️

Sunday, December 13, 2020

I had an “off” day yesterday, I want really feeling myself.  I had no energy, no motivation to do anything, I was in more pain from my fall, my head was still hurting from the leftover migraine and overall I was just not in the mood for anything.

I forced myself to get in the shower to go to work, I had a few things to do there.  On most days, a shower revitalizes me and makes me feel a lot better, even on days when I don’t feel great.  Not yesterday, the shower felt like a hard thing to do, I knew then whatever pain or grief I was carrying was bigger than my typical joyful and energetic self.  I let the hot water soothe me for a little longer than usual.  

I got out of the shower, got dressed, dried my hair, straighten my hair and then decided to put on some make up, something I haven’t really been doing since covid made an appearance in our lives.  My thinking process has been, “why put make up on if I’m going to cover my face with a mask anyways?!” Well, this time it helped and it reenergized me in a way.  I was still low energy, but by the time I went downstairs and put on my shoes and coat to head out to work, I was feeling a little better. 

The moment I got to work and started tackling projects and things I needed to do, it’s like something took over me, I had energy, I was happy, excited to be there and be able to do my work.  As I was walking out of one building to the other carrying a basket before Mass at church started, I realized how amazingly blessed I am to have a job that allows me to minister to others, and at the same time, it ministers to ME!  I can sincerely say that I can spend hours and hours at work and even though I do get physically tired at times of course, I’m always beyond grateful for what I do.  For the interaction I have with so many people either in person or over the phone. 

I left work last night feeling so grateful for my job of almost 25 years, feeling renewed and energized and ready to go back to work today.

One day at a time is the best gift I can give myself on most days, and maybe a little make up here and there wouldn’t hurt either. 😉

I just got off the phone with my mom after talking for over an hour.  We laughed so much tonight about the silliest of things and I could almost feel her next to me, just like the times when we used to spend so much time together in the kitchen or by her bedside before bed chatting and giggling about things.  

A weekend with some challenges that ended with family time, delicious food and homemade chocolate chip cookies from my oldest daughter.  Today, is the Third Sunday of Advent in the Catholic Church, a Sunday dedicated to JOY, and I’m choosing to do just that tonight, filling my soul with joy from all the little and big blessings that came my way yesterday and today. ❤️

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” Confucius 

Saturday, December 12, 2020

Today is the Feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe and as a Catholic Hispanic, today is a big day of celebrations and prayer for Holy Mary who appeared to San Juan Diego in Mexico on a winter day in 1531.  On this special day we offer our prayers and needs to our lady who watches and protects us always. 

I’ve been sitting in the living room for a good while now, candles lit, and no lights on. It’s raining outside and the house has been so quiet I could almost hear all the crackles the hardwood floor makes with the slightest movement or change in temperature.  The girls are still sleeping, and Stan just came downstairs to take our dog Daisy out to potty.  He walked into the living room and said as he saw me surrounded by lit candles and coffee cup in my hand “that looks peaceful...” yes, I’m trying.  Trying my best each day to seize every moment of grace and peace I can find, because I need every one of them and right now, I am very thankful for this opportunity. 

Good news about my freaky fall last night... nothing is broken!!! Hurray for that, I was really worried when I got home and everything hurt and throbbed.  I used ice and heat and took ibuprofen and waited two hours at least before going to bed in case I had a concussion.  I don’t know if the two hour wait time for concussions is a myth, an old wives’ tale or truth, I guess I should consult with a doctor instead 😂,  but I always heard that growing up if we hit our heads, “you can’t go to sleep for another two hours at least.” That was the wait time to see if we would develop any concussion symptoms I guess in case we needed to take action.  Ok, enough of my concussion story, long story short, I’ll be fine, and aside from being in pain from head to toe (literally) from a migraine, the pain under my rib cage from a week ago that is getting better and all the other corners of my body that got injured last night, and feeling like a real hot mess haha, I’m happy because it’s the weekend and I get to relax a little, I’m happy because it’s the weekend and I get to spend time with my family, and I’m happy because I can sip my coffee in the comfort of my favorite corner of my home and not have to rush somewhere like I always do.  In all things give thanks. ❤️

I remember when my girls who are now almost 22 (almost 23) and 18 were little and mornings revolves around early wake up times filled with toys and playtime and breakfast making and on most days, staying in pj’s for a good number of hours after waking up.  Toys spread out throughout the house and floors and then behind them or aside them playing, running, giggling and loving on each other.  I sure do miss those moments, but I am also thankful for their growth, milestones, accomplishments and especially the bond they have developed over the years, which has become stronger and stronger with each passing day. 

Today, I will rejoice in the simplicity of my day, embrace the aches and pains that make me feel alive and aware of my body and joyful for the gift of friendship on which I have been reflecting a lot lately. 

Little moments, big blessings. ❤️

Friday, December 11, 2020

A long day of doing and doing that ended with me falling flat on my face outside in the rain! 😂

Oh my goodness, I’m laughing now but I hurt myself pretty badly, I’m just thankful that I didn’t break anything (at least that’s what I think). 

It’s so strange how freak accidents happen, I don’t even know what prompted it to be honest, one second I was walking to the car, the next second I was literally seeing myself fall in slow motion and my neck and face landing on the gravel by the sidewalk. 

My left hand and thumb is throbbing but I don’t think it’s broken because it’s not sweeping. My back is also throbbing and my neck and everything, omg, why oh why, haha - yikes! 

For safety measures I think I’ll stay up for two hours in case of a concussion which I don’t think I have but I also slammed my head on the ground. 

I might have to sleep with a heating pad again, also, thank goodness for ibuprofen. Talk about a bang to my Friday! 😂

Alright, enough of laughing at myself... good night all! 

Thursday, December 10, 2020

As they say “work hard, play hard”, and by playing hard I mean, taking a day off from work, running a couple of errands with the family, finishing decorating for Christmas, sipping my coffee a little slower, writing my journal page in the morning, and making dinner for my family... all things that bring me plenty of joy. Joy that I so much need these days, it’s been a challenging season that is for sure.

I’m sitting at my kitchen table opening a few Christmas cards we received yesterday and smiling from ear to ear. I’ve always admire people that send costumed made Christmas cards, I’ve never been one of those people I have to admit, BUT, I have always desired to be so, and that should count for something, right? Ha! It’s only the 10th of December, maybe I’ll click my heels three times and make it happen before Christmas Eve! 

On a separate note, very different that any of what I’ve shared in the last two paragraphs.  I was on the phone with my mom a couple of days ago (that day we talked three times on the phone, one for a long period of time, second one, just briefly and the third one on speaker phone while I made dinner).  Anyways, as we were hanging up the phone she mentioned that she still had to say all her prayers and do all her blessings she does every night - my mom has always been very devoted and faithful - and I said to her “would you please pray for me?” and before I could even get the whole sentence out she said “mi hija querida (dear daughter I’m Spanish, that’s what she calls me 😍, you are my first thought of my awakening and the last prayer of my day, I think and pray for you all the time.”  And I know this to be true.  Sometime, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through some life experiences without the spiritual support of my mother which has been for certain one of my biggest blessings in life.

We go through life doing our best, rejoicing in the ordinary, celebrating the extraordinary and counting our blessings.  Relying on the people that lift us up in prayer each day and support us in some way.  

Have a lovely day. The sun is shinning in all it’s glory in my neck of the woods and I’m planning on fully taking advantage of it. 💛

Wednesday, December 9, 2020

Moments of joy today.

🌟 Being at work and rejoicing on the work I do. 

🌟 Two cups of delicious flavored black coffee while I got work done. 

🌟 Take out dinner from Outback tonight after work.

🌟 Getting home from a long day of work and finding the house decorated for Christmas and a yummy chocolate chip cookie cake my daughter baked.

🌟 Dinner with my family and fun conversations with them. 

🌟 Being able to relax on the couch low and savor the simple but joyful moments of today. 

Tuesday, December 8, 2020

How do we find and experience joy and hope in the midst of heartache and exhaustion with the current life that is living behind face coverings?

Not sure about you, but the constant wearing of masks and uncertainly and abnormality in the way we live, it’s starting to drain me a bit. 

I work out of my home a lot, and I have to wear a face mask all the time and it’s challenging.  For the first few months it was a mindset of “alright, we can do this, it’s temporary.” Now, it feels more like “omg, when will this end?!” There is no end in sight, BUT, I think because there is no end in sight (at the moment), we have to work harder at finding joy and peace and hope.

Joy and peace and hope in the ordinary days of our lives.  For me, all that today was:

🌟A good laugh with a friend at work.

🌟A phone call conversation with my mom on my way to pick up take out because I was so hungry after work.

🌟 A sweet, warm welcome from my dog as I arrived home from work.

🌟 Sharing a home cooked meal that my daughter made (yes, I had two dinners today, oops), and talking to my husband and my daughters at the dinner table.

🌟 Brewing a fresh cup of coffee after dinner.

🌟 Hearing my daughters laugh about the silliest of things while I relax in the living room.

🌟 Realizing that this too shall pass. 

What are the things that brought you joy today?  I invite you to look within and pay attention to your surrounding every day and savor the little moments of random joy thought out the day.  You might surprise yourself. 💛 

Monday, December 7, 2020

It’s past 9 pm and I’m just sitting down after a long day.  Work was busy and then I got home to cook a full meal, we ate dinner and then sat and talked for a while.  I’m doing a loud of laundry now and resting my feet while the cycle ends in the washer so I can switch it and go to bed, thrilling, isn’t it?! 😂

Yesterday I didn’t feel too good, sometime in the late hours of the morning I got a sharp pain under my right rib cage and as they day progressed it got stronger and stronger. By the end of the day, the pain was almost intolerable and throughout the night I started becoming quite concerned about the situation. Apparently not concerned enough for me to go to the hospital.  I laid in bed all night not being able to sleep and wondering if I was making a mistake by not going to the hospital and figuring out what was wrong, not smart now that I think about it.  I treated the pain with a heating pad and ibuprofen and it feels a little better today. It almost feels as if I had fractured a rib, which cannot be possible, also the fact that it’s the right side, makes me feel a little better about it.  Maybe I pulled a muscle without realizing it? Who knows! Praying tomorrow I will feel a lot better and will get some rest overnight and make up for the sleep I didn’t get last night.  A heating pad and another dose of my anti-inflammatory have a nice sound to it right now. 

On another note, after dinner my daughters and I sat around the dinner table and talked about their feelings about social media.  Neither one of them likes social media that much, or not at all actually.  Both of them have always said that when exposed to social media platforms, they feel anxious and overwhelmed.  They don’t like the negative effects it has on them, the constant hype of it and the overall sensationalism of what it stands for.  I have to say that their thoughts on it makes me proud.  It’s not very common for kids their age to feel that way about social media, or maybe it’s more common than not, but it’s not what we see. 

For me, social media is different.  Although I definitely don’t agree and support (especially) all I see on the many social media platforms, some do make smile, especially anything that has to do with cooking, travel and nature.  I love reading and following modern philosophers that help me grow with their wisdom.  Other than that, I think I agree with them on the “makes me feel overwhelmed” mood of it.  I go through phases with social media, where I use it a lot from time to time, and then I can’t simply scroll without cringing and then I have to pause my viewing for a few days or weeks so I regain my balance and peace.

Nothing will ever replace a face to face conversation around a table, a book with paper pages, moments of simplicity with soft music in the background and lit candles and the joys of cooking and being just because that’s what’s life is all about.

I’ve been taking a little break from my personal social media accounts and just enjoying this, journaling and cooking, and drinking lots of coffee while doing it.

Life is all about simple moments that come with little to no effort. 💛

Sunday, December 6, 2020

I’ve been “running” around since the early hours of the day, I worked until mid afternoon and now I’m just sitting down, relaxing a little after dinner, early dinner that is. 

I was talking to my mom yesterday and I don’t even know how the conversation started but we somehow found ourselves talking about how my parents met.  They recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and my kids have been very curious lately about all the details of their married life.

I had their meeting story all wrong, I had mixed up part of their courtship with the “how we met” story, and it made me really happy hearing it from my mom, she sounded so joyful sharing the story. 

My mom said she was at a dance in a town about an hour away from her hometown.  My dad happened to be there too, they had never met before. 

He approached her and invited her to dance.  In those days - even in my days - asking someone out to a dance or “to dance” was a big thing.  My mom said yes and according to her, after the first song, my dad wouldn’t leave her sight. She was smitten by him too. 

My mom said she remembers distinctively what my dad was wearing,  a light green shirt that according to her, made my dad’s skin glow.  She said he was perfectly dressed and she loved his smile.  Interesting enough, she doesn’t remember what she was wearing, but he sure made an impression on her. 

At the end of the dance my dad asked her for her phone number but she decided not to give him that information that night.  My dad is almost 12 years older than my mom and in those days, being single in your mid 30’s was not very common, she had her suspicions about my dad possibly being married.  He was not, he was quite the Bachelor apparently. 😉

My mom says that a few days or weeks after their meeting, she was driving down a main road in her hometown when at a stop light who parks next to her? My dad of course! Coincidence? I’m thinking not! Ha! 

Dad asked again if he could have her phone number and my mom hesitated once again, but my dad wasn’t going to give up that easily.  My mom started doing her own investigating about him and his family and eventually realized he was someone he could trust to give her phone number to.  Back in those days, there were no cell phones, computers were not very common, and just used for businesses, and definitely no social media. 

Eventually my dad succeeded in his pursuit to date my mom, and my mom said he was always the most perfect gentleman, and he was very handsome too.  The dated for just a little bit over a year and the rest is history... lots of history. 

Funny thing is, soon after they started dating, my mom found out that her sister’s in laws were renting a house from my dad’s mom, my grandma.  Small world! 

It brought me joy listening to my mom share the story of how my mom and dad met, love at first sight.  Perhaps, the beginnings of their life together and the foundation they built during those years is what helped them sore through stormy winds from time to time. 

Their story is my story. ❤️

Sunday, December 5, 2020

I’m not a very patient person.  Actually, I’m not patient at all, I usually want instant results for everything I do. 

As I get older I have come to realize that patience IS one of the most important virtues.  

Patience helps us navigate through life with a greater awareness of the blessings in our lives and also a deeper understanding of gratitude. 

Patience is most crucial during difficult moments in our lives and adversity. 

I have been reflecting a lot on the gift of patience in my own life.  Yes, a gift, because when I practice patience, the results usually mean joy. 

Practicing patience for me means, working on understanding the way my now young adult children view the world and how they react to it.  Sometimes, a lot different than the way I do, but it doesn’t mean at all than my perspective is better than theirs or viceversa. 

Practicing patience to me means, calmly waiting for a day when I can once again visit my parents without the fear of contamination and carrying a virus that has proven to be deadly for many people.

Practicing patience for me means, allowing my not so able, achy and tired body as a result of chronic pain to take it’s time to heal and to move at the speed that it can. 

Practicing patience for me means, being sensitive to the way people react to certain situations and realizing that there must be a reason for their behavior.

Practicing patience for me means, not jumping to conclusions when something doesn’t agree with the way I view the world. 

Practicing patience for me means, waiting, breathing in and breathing out when I’m feeling out of balance, and being kinder to myself by not allowing the environment around me to affect my essence. 

Life is not always about winning and being ahead of the game.  Life, a meaningful and joyful life (from my perspective at least) requires a lot of patience, a lot of work, daily effort and constant motivation and a deep understanding about the fact that a good life, a successful career, a well balanced lifestyle takes time and that life is a journey. 

We’ve all heard the phrase “Rome wasn’t build in a day...” and that couldn’t be more true.  

Almost everything good in life requires time, and a great deal of patience and confidence in knowing that there is a perfect plan created for each and everyone of us and that our lives are unique in every way.

May we journey through life practicing patience every day.  Patience with those around us, patience with the little things and the big things in life, but most importantly, patience with ourselves.  The more we practice patience, the more at peace we feel. ❤️

Friday, December 4, 2020

Today I attended a prayer service.  It was an hour long prayer service that included a lot of silent moments.

Silence.  Something we are not accustomed to, not me at least, and I think most of us feel uncomfortable with it.  I’m not talking about 1-2 minutes of silence, I’m talking 10-15 minutes at a time, meditating and praying between sessions. 

One of the prayers made tonight was “the longer you carry a burden, the heavier it becomes.”  So true.

What’s weighing you down? 

What’s taking your peace away? 

Breath. Let go and let God. ❤️

Thursday, December 3, 2020

Truth of the day: I fell off the “ eat clean” wagon badly leading up to Thanksgiving and I have not succeeded in jumping back INTO the wagon quite yet and my body is feeling it!!!

Work has been a bit intense too lately with the Christmas season around the corner and that has left me with little to no time for cooking, let alone healthy cooking which takes a little more thought and planning. 

Maybe tomorrow will be the day, in the meantime I’ll enjoy the few extra hours I have this evening and do something fun, like watch Dateline and eat Cheddar ruffles! 😂

Wednesday, December 2, 2020

Today I decided to give myself a day off, a well deserved day off if I say so myself. 

It’s barely 40 degrees today but the sun is shinning in all it’s glory and it feels like 70 degrees outside.  I’m sitting on the front porch drinking my coffee and letting the rays of sun nourish and replenish by body.  It won’t be long before all we see out the window is snow and cold, cold days. 

If there was any non profit organization or cause you’d support, or that you’d like to get involved with which one would it be? 

For me it’s no doubt, any program that fights against hunger.  HUNGER, the first basic physical need for humans to survive.  We can have everything else in the world, but if we don’t have food, we can’t simply live.  Our bodies need nourishment, fuel that keeps them going and thriving.

One of my daughters was sharing a story the other day about something extremely frivolous someone she knows spent money on.  I was immediately NOT impressed with the way she chose to spend her money, a little outraged if I have to be honest, and then I had to remind myself that people can do as they please with their possessions, and that she’s probably been generous in the past with her wealth.  I am human, my instinct is to defend what matters most to me immediately, before reasoning, but  whenever I hear stories like that, I immediately think about the millions of people suffering hunger in the world.  People in OUR community struggling to put food on their table.  People having to make not very healthy meal options because their money can only stretch so far. 

On that note, I also know SO many generous people that are constant givers, people of good will.  They give what they have, and even give when they don’t have as much, they give.  People always jumping in when they have an opportunity to donate, to contribute and help the poor and the less fortunate among us. 

I have a friend who has always had her share of financial hardship, raised her family with the little she’s had and has done it with great joy, and when someone needs her help, even someone she doesn’t know, she is the first one to say “I’LL HELP!” Speaking about her usually brings tears to my eyes.

The Christmas season, the holiday season is the joyous time of the year, but it’s also a time of great anxiety for many people that are struggling financially. 

How can we help??? 

Start with your community.  Contact a local church, an organization that helps the needy.  Reach out to a friend that is struggling financially, ask how you can help this holiday season. Maybe make a special meal or treat to drop off at a friend’s house living on a fixed income.  Look up organizations that support hunger and find out how you can get involved.  The needs are plenty. 

There are many ways in which we can work and advocate to meet the needs of others, of the most vulnerable of our community, of the world. 

Take action, get involved, make an impact in someone’s life. ❤️

Tuesday, December 1, 2020

When I was a little girl I had a best friend with whom I spent a lot of time with. Her name was Martha.

We must’ve been 6 years old when our friendship started.  We didn’t go to the same elementary school, but her grandma used to teach Catechism in a cute little area of the backyard at my friend’s house where her grandma lived.  I still remember her grandma, her mannerisms and her passion for teaching us about church, the Bible and Jesus.  

Her son, (my friend’s dad) had built a special bench area for her to teach her Religious Education class under the shade of a huge tree.  I remember coming to class in the afternoons after the sun had gone down, books in hand and ready to learn and prepare for my First Communion. 

My friend Martha and I were magnets to each other from day one and on most days, I would stay after class to play with her and her siblings.  She was one of six kids, three girls and three boys. 

Her dad was an elementary school teacher, a very well respected man in the community and someone who always struck me as kind, and generous.  He was not very talkative, he was more on the quiet side, but he was always very involved with his family. 

Martha’s family owned a mini market which was an extension of their house.  It was more of a convenient store, the one where you could buy staples and last minute necessities.  It was the place where neighbors frequented often and people gathered.  My friend’s mom and her grandma worked in that market.

In the backyard of their house, her dad had build a huge carrousel for his kids, it wasn’t motorized, but there was always someone who would run, pushing it until it picked up enough speed to ride it for a short while.  Sometimes it’d go so fast, I was afraid the thing would come off the ground and we’d all go flying out... it never did. 😊

Those were good times, some of my favorite memories growing up and visiting my friend’s family.  

I remember being extremely sensitive and very observant even from a young age.  I sensed moods, I welcomed certain personalities and behaviors and avoided the ones that didn’t aligned with my beliefs.  Sometimes I reflect in the why’s of my inquisitive mind from a young age, and I think that is because from a young age I experienced many family transitions and some hardship in my own life growing up. 

Although my friend’s life seemed so dreamy on most days, it wasn’t always like that - of course, I understand that now as an adult.  No life is perfect, even now with all the social media portrayal of perfection that flood our “walls” and feeds, we know behind everyone’s doors, there is not a built from scratch carrousel, a bench under a shaded tree where the matriarch of the home teaches lessons to young kids and a mini market where people gather to chat. 

But what I think is that, even in the most challenging of our days, we can strive to make life a joyful experience, one that when even after we’ve lived and experienced the most ordinary of days, we can look back and say “you know what has made me really happy in life? It was that walk with you, preparing a favorite meal and sharing it with my family; staying up until the early hours of the next day chatting with people I love, and thriving on the blessings of the day to day moments of my life.”

We don’t need a perfect life, for a perfect life doesn’t even exist. What we need is a joyful and thankful heart that makes us see life with gratitude and appreciation for all that we have. 💛

Monday, November 30, 2020

The last day of the month, I can’t even believe it’s here.  A lot happened this month, and at the same time it felt like all we did was run around in circles. 

I’ve been very busy at work with Advent and Christmas preparations, the weeks don’t seem to have enough days or hours, but it’s definitely a good think I love my job, because it never feels like work.

This month my oldest daughter also signed a lease for a new apartment and she’ll be moving out in a few weeks to start her new life.  It’s very exciting but at the same time frightening in some ways because there is so much uncertainty about life these days, with the virus, and finances, but I feel very hopeful and enthusiastic for her and the new life she will begin. 

My youngest daughter has done so much studying and school work this month it’s exhausting even to watch, but she loves it and seems very passionate about some of her classes which is good. 

This month I have also felt a rainbow of emotions within myself.  Between the political campaigns, covid, social distancing, social media which some of it has left me exhausted by what I see and read, and everything else in between, it’s been challenging, but we made it, and here we are celebrating a month lived, memories made and emotions survived.

Tomorrow we begin a new chapter, the December chapter and we wait in joyful hope for blessings to embrace our lives and those around us. 

Enjoy today. 💛

Sunday, November 29, 2020

Think for a second about how sunny versus gloomy days make you feel.  For most of us, sun means cheerfulness, happiness, positivity, while cloudiness means dullness, lack of energy and an overall blah feeling. 

Don’t take me wrong, I love and embrace a nice cloudy (preferably rainy) day spent at home, on the couch with a blanket over my lap and a good movie or tv show, but sunny days bring me immense JOY. 

It’s science that sunshine increases our serotonin levels, which reduces anxiety and boosts joy and happiness.

Where am I going with this you shall ask?! 😊

Well, just now, as I sat on the couch to sip my second cup of coffee of the day, I was thinking of the people in my life, or people that cross my path on a day to day basis, that feel like sunlight! 

My body, my whole body feels HAPPY and joyful when I come across people that radiate joy.  I feel it, my whole body feels it.  Genuine affection from others to us, is like a love letter to our souls.

In the contrary, when you encounter people or interact with people that when you leave their presence you feel drained, that’s the equivalent to a gloomy day, without the coziness of the rain and blanket over your lap. 😉

Seek people that bring light into your life.  Surround yourself with goodness, people with kind hearts. Choose joy!

This little life of ours is the most precious gem, and we must guard it like the value that it holds. ❤️

Saturday, November 28, 2020

A very long day in many ways and I’m not feeling too inspired to write much today, but one thing I do know; I’ve been eating way too much and a lot of things that make me feel tired and lethargic, but hey, I’m still on Thanksgiving mode. 😉

Good night. ❤️

Friday, November 27, 2020

When my daughters were little I dedicated my whole self into being a mom.  Having a good family life, and happy, well balanced home life was fundamental for me.

The word “tired” was hardly ever in my vocabulary, I thrived with household chores, and decorating, organizing, cooking for my family and driving my girls to and from to their many different activities and commitments they had. 

When you children are little you don’t really put a lot of thought into what they  will be come when they are older, and that’s a good thing, we shouldn’t, the importance should be placed in living the moment and making the best of those moments and that’s what I did.

Looking back, all those memories make me smile really big, but what makes me smile even bigger is the fine young adults my children have become.

This Thanksgiving holiday they decided to do all the planning, and preparations to celebrate Thanksgiving, and I really didn’t know what to expect.  I’d say, I was cautiously optimistic because holiday celebrations take a lot of effort.  There is cleaning to do, and decorating, and grocery shopping and dicing and chopping and baking and roasting and then cleaning again. 

They did all that and more.  They started all the preparations the day before and set the mood for a great celebration. 

My oldest daughter loves setting the ambiance with background music and lit candles when she doesn’t anything homey.  

It was so heartwarming for me to see them enjoy this holiday as much as they did, even more when they insisted they’d be doing everything, every time I volunteered myself to “help out”, they took it upon themselves to give our family a wonderful Thanksgiving. 

They cooked every dish from scratch, made many vegan dishes, baked a huge turkey breast with many spices which turned out so delicious and juicy, made a pumpkin pie and when we finished eating they cleaned up and put everything away.

The table conversation was so much fun and refreshing and I kept watching them with admiration as they talked and expressed their feelings about different topics. 

My “little” girls, are not so little anymore, they are not even little, they are grown up, mature and smart young ladies that I couldn’t be prouder of.  I am looking forward to witnessing the many opportunities that life will present on their paths.

For now, I’m fully enjoying their presence, their gifts and talents and many yummy dishes they’ve been cooking for our family lately.

It was a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with love and special moments. ❤️❤️

Thursday, November 26, 2020

This is certainly a different kind of Thanksgiving.  We have all experienced a lot of challenges, some more than others, but we continue to be strengthened by the love and support of all those that love us and provide us a helping hand when we most need it and lift us up in prayer. 

Holidays have always been difficult for me, well, I’d say in my adult years.  I think it’s the fact that for almost 25 years I’ve been far, far away from my parents, brothers and family.  The celebrations of holidays that I grew up with that included tens of people, have transformed into very small gatherings, most of the time, just our little family of four.  That took some getting used to. 

Stan, Michelle and Bella LOVE the holidays and that has always helped me appreciate these especial days a little more and see things from a different perspective.  Their enthusiasm for special celebrations like Thanksgiving, bring me joy. 

Today I woke up thinking about friends that have lost loved ones this year.  I pray that they will feel the loving embrace of family as they grieve the loss of their children, spouses, parents and siblings.  As they reflect on their empty chair at the dinner table today, may they be reminded and comforted by the memories they created during their earthly journey. 

Today especially, I pray for:

🧡 Those feeling the isolation of this Covid Thanksgiving holiday. 

🧡 People experiencing financial hardship and worrying about how they will pay their next bill after providing their family with a holiday meal.

🧡 People that have felt excluded from family and friends due to the new dynamics this season has brought.

🧡 Those experiencing anxiety for the first time about all the unknowns, and those struggling to keep their constant and long term anxiety under control during these challenging times. 

🧡 People that woke up today feeling lonely and are anxious for the day to be over. 

For all of them, I pray. 

Today especially, I give thanks for...

❤️My family. Stan who makes me laugh every day and loves me unconditionally.  Michelle and Bella who are my sunshine and the inspiration of my every day.

❤️ My aging parents and the amazing gift of their lives in mine.  

❤️ For my brothers who love me, support me, appreciate me and put up with me and my crazy ideas every day.

❤️ My cousins, our best and biggest tribe of fun. 

❤️ My friends, near and far away who support me and love me unconditionally. 

❤️ My job that continues to teach me so much about life itself. 

❤️ MY FAITH.  The wind beneath my wings.

For all of these, I pray. 

May you all experience the love and blessings of this day.  Sending my love from our little corner of the world to yours. 🧡🍁❤️

Wednesday, November 25, 2020

Today was an interesting day.  My office was officially closed for business in observance of the holiday, but I had to go in for a few hours to get some things done for the thanksgiving holiday.  The “couple” hours I had talked myself into, turned into a full day of work, but the fact that the office was officially closed gave me an opportunity to get more things done, and for that I was very grateful. 

Between work projects, I took a small break to pick up dessert for tomorrow and on that drive I talked to a long distances friend to catch up on life, and it was great. The older I get, the more I value and appreciate genuine relationships and people that fill my heart with joy. 

My daughters have been cleaning and decorating and cooking for tomorrow all day long, literally.  They put together a menu, went shopping, and got to work.  I call my 22 year old the Holiday Fairy because she LOVES the holidays!!! Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter... loves them all, but I think especially Thanksgiving and Christmas.  She’s always so, so happy and she sets the “mood” in the house by lighting candles, putting background music and making the ambience super homey. 

After work, her and I went to Whole Foods to get a few last minute things she needed for her dishes and a couple of appetizers and we had a few really great conversations.  Her take on life right now, perspectives, her focus on the life she’s trying to create for herself, upcoming plans and starting a new life in an exciting city that she loves.  I’m so proud of her in every way, but especially in the way she embraces life, the good, the not so good and the challenges.  She’s always working on improvement and growth, she makes me proud, sometimes, I don’t react as maturely as she does to certain situations. 

I’m sitting on the couch in the living room, I can hear the girls in the kitchen cooking, talking, laughing, listening to music.  Stan is in the family room watching a special program about the Galapagos in the National Geographic channel and soon, he’ll be joining me to watch a movie on Netflix. 

Life might now always be ideal.  It never is actually, even if it looks that way, but tonight, I’m rejoicing in the blessing that loving my job means, my family of course, and all that life has given us, for even the challenges have taught us important lessons about life. 

Enjoying my last few sips of the pumpkin spice latte I got on the way home from the grocery store and enjoying every moment of rest and relaxation I have right now.

A tiring, productive and blessings filled kind of day. 💛🍁

Tuesday, November 25, 2020

Today was an interesting day.  My office was officially closed for business in observance of the holiday, but I had to go in for a few hours to get some things done for the thanksgiving holiday.  The “couple” hours I had talked myself into, turned into a full day of work, but the fact that the office was officially closed gave me an opportunity to get more things done, and for that I was very grateful. 

Between work projects, I took a small break to pick up dessert for tomorrow and on that drive I talked to a long distances friend to catch up on life, and it was great. The older I get, the more I value and appreciate genuine relationships and people that fill my heart with joy. 

My daughters have been cleaning and decorating and cooking for tomorrow all day long, literally.  They put together a menu, went shopping, and got to work.  I call my 22 year old the Holiday Fairy because she LOVES the holidays!!! Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter... loves them all, but I think especially Thanksgiving and Christmas.  She’s always so, so happy and she sets the “mood” in the house by lighting candles, putting background music and making the ambience super homey. 

After work, her and I went to Whole Foods to get a few last minute things she needed for her dishes and a couple of appetizers and we had a few really great conversations.  Her take on life right now, perspectives, her focus on the life she’s trying to create for herself, upcoming plans and starting a new life in an exciting city that she loves.  I’m so proud of her in every way, but especially in the way she embraces life, the good, the not so good and the challenges.  She’s always working on improvement and growth, she makes me proud, sometimes, I don’t react as maturely as she does to certain situations. 

I’m sitting on the couch in the living room, I can hear the girls in the kitchen cooking, talking, laughing, listening to music.  Stan is in the family room watching a special program about the Galapagos in the National Geographic channel and soon, he’ll be joining me to watch a movie on Netflix. 

Life might now always be ideal.  It never is actually, even if it looks that way, but tonight, I’m rejoicing in the blessing that loving my job means, my family of course, and all that life has given us, for even the challenges have taught us important lessons about life. 

Enjoying my last few sips of the pumpkin spice latte I got on the way home from the grocery store and enjoying every moment of rest and relaxation I have right now.

A tiring, productive and blessings filled kind of day. 💛🍁

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

Happy first day of Chicago snow this winter season!!! 🥳

I LOVE the first snowfall of the season, I really, really do!  It makes as excited and giddy as a little kid.  I usually open all the blinds, go outside for a little walk and simply stare at the beauty of nature in fill form

Although the precipitation of upcoming snow and change of weather is like poison for my head as it gives me excruciating migraines, once the “storm” of that migraine passes and the snow falls, I’m ready to enjoy it all.  Snow, coffee in hand and the simplicity of that moment. 

I have a few things to do on my work calendar for today and I am just as excited about these projects as I am now looking at the snow and drinking my coffee.

My husband has been working from home lately and I said to him, almost excitedly commanding, “come see the snow it’s beautiful!!!” He replied “This is only first snow. There will be more of that between now and May. Lol” 🙄😂

Obviously, he doesn’t feel the same level of enthusiasm for snowy days as I do haha - funny thing he grew up with winters like this, but he very much would like to relocate to a sunnier state and never have to deal with snow again.  Me on the other side, although I am with him on sunnier states, I do really enjoy the excitement of the first snowfall and a few cold, and wintery days here and there... and I’m the gal that grew up in hot, steamy weather 365 days out of the year! 😉

Off to enjoy the beauty of this day, all of it! Have a lovely day ahead! 💛

Monday, November 23, 2020

And as the saying goes “the calm after the storm”, that’s what today felt like. 

Yesterday, was one of the most intense days I’ve had this year in many ways, and I cried quite a few tears, and today was a day of good news, calmer waters and less physical pain.

I got a lot done for work, met some important deadlines, cooked, spent time with my girls and Stan, made a few appointments, and talked over the phone with a long distance friend for an hour, and we laughed a lot. 

Life has made shades of yellows.  Some days are faint, some are just right, and some are as bright as the sun.  Today, was calm and exciting all at the same time, and I am feeling very blessed with the gift of appreciation for the simple moments of life.  The ordinary is in most cases what makes our life extraordinary.

Life seems pretty strange these days not doing the things we want to do or how we want to do them, but focusing on what I have around me and the moments of grace within my reach, is certainly giving me peace and balance.

I planned on going to sleep early tonight and here I am, still wondering if I’ll be able to shut my eyes for the day soon before my mind starts wondering again and get at least 7 hours of sleep.  At least I’ll try... 😁🥰

Sunday, November 22, 2020

Another nasty, nasty migraine and I’m starting to feel quite desperate about them, although now I’m curious if some foods I never suspected of being a migraine trigger are triggers. 

I’ve been keeping a diary of my food food for a week every day and did not introduce dairy in any form until yesterday (yogurt).  The entire week I’ve been migraine free and early this morning around 5 am I woke up with one of the most excruciating migraines I’ve had in a while, and if Covid wasn’t growing at the speed of light right now, I would’ve had Stan drive me to the ER.

It’s 2 pm and I’m just getting out of bed, after laying on heating pads and applying ice packs on my head, plus of course taking prescription meds around the clock.  I’m not even hungry, but I’ll make myself eat something.

I feel like I have to try yogurt again sometime this week to see if I’ll have the same effect, but in all honesty, I’m scared.  I read an interesting article that says that cultured dairy products like yogurt and kefir are big migraine triggers, but a cup of plain yogurt can have that forceful of an effect. 

I just yawned and my head felt like it would explode. Praying for pain relief soon. 

Stan just told me the barometric pressure is dropping too and some areas not too far from us are getting snow... well, that completes the picture for me. 

This too shall pass. ❤️

Saturday, November 21, 2020

Today is a BIG day!!!

Today, my parents celebrate 50 years of marriage.  FIFTY.  Amazing accomplishment in so many ways!!!

What an incredible milestone this is in so many ways, especially for my parents. 

My parents have gone through many of ups and downs in their marriage.  Relationship conflicts, MANY differences in opinion, financial problems, health issues, two separations, but they have also done a lot of wonderful things together, the most important one being the fact that they always worked on their relationship in one way or another and now, in their aging years, they are each other’s biggest support system, companionship, eyes (literally since my mom is visually impaired now), and now my mom is my dad’s arm to hold on to as he ages and gets wicker, dad is 12 years older than my mom, and he faces his own physical challenges and limitations.

Today, I’m feeling particularly grateful for the opportunity to celebrate their life together, for the privilege of having all of us still together, my two brothers and I, and for especially for the gift of life, and family love, something I give thanks for every single day. 

I am a bit heartbroken because I can’t be with them on this special day due to covid and travel restrictions, but it’s just how life is right now. I’m hopeful that we will be able to celebrate together very soon again. 

Wishing my parents a wonderful day of celebrations in their own home, and many more years of love, acceptance, understanding and friendship. 

Wrapping them in love and blessing them from 2,000 miles away! ❤️❤️

Friday, November 20, 2020

“This is a wonderful day.  I’ve never seen this one before.” Maya Angelou 

Oh, how I love every word she ever spoke.  I think she’s my favorite writer, dreamer, poet, memoriest, she was simply unique.

Today was a day with every color of the rainbow, and a long day, but now that I’m sitting down and reflecting about all that occurred during the day, I feel immense gratitude.

Gratitude for the love and support of my family.

Gratitude for the jokes and healthy doses of sarcasm at home that makes us laugh during the day.

Gratitude for the gift of loving the jobs I’ve been trusted with, in every way.

Gratitude for the gift of friendship, and my the gift of faith that allows me to support them in prayer when they need it.

Gratitude for helpful hands at home that voluntarily cook, clean and do what needs to be done when I’m busy or tired.

Gratitude for a home filled with joy, a kitchen that always smells of something delicious cooking, a tv on with news or a silly show, and a teenage girl in her room laughing with friends on her computer. 

Gratitude for my long distance family who despite the 2,000 that separate us, keep me connected as much they can during the day so I don’t miss out too much of the extraordinary of the ordinary lives of our parents. 

GRATITUDE for the gift of finding JOY in a world that doesn’t make too much sense right now.

With what we have and who we are right now, I feel very thankful for the gift of life, family, friendship, faith and love in my life. 

Today was indeed a wonderful day, that I had never seen before... ❤️

Thursday, November 19, 2020

Today will probably be one of the last days of the year that I can sit on the porch and drink my morning coffee. 

It’s a glorious 55 degrees and sunny and the wind is blowing just right.  The rose bushes in front of me are still in full bloom and our dog Daisy, seems to be loving the outdoors and wind in her face, and she looks adorable that way too! 🥰

Can you tell I’m fully enjoying this moment??? I’m loving it!

There is a lot that has been upside down in our world lately, and yesterday (personally for me) proved to be a challenging day this November month, to the point that it took some of my sleep away, no bueno if you ask me.

BUT, today is a new day and I’m ready for it with all the positive attitude!!! ☀️

When I was 12 years old my mom got me my first diary.  My parents never had extra money laying around for expenses that weren’t within the family budget, I knew this diary meant something for my mom.  My mom had always been a writer and a big dreamer herself, I think being the only girl, she had the same hopes for me.

It wasn’t until adulthood that I developed or discovered I should say, some of the same gifts, likes and dislikes of my mother, but I could never be anything close to what the essence of my mother is, I’m just grateful that she’s always had so much faith, acceptance, encouragement, trust and LOVE for me.  I’ve might’ve doubted people’s love, trust, acceptance and affection from time to time, but never my mother’s unconditional love.  How great is that?! ❤️

I don’t think I’ve ever told her what that first diary has meant to me all these years, it’s funny how we keep some of our deepest feelings to ourselves.  I think I will share that with her in our next conversation.  The thing with me is that, I have a problem with my eyes “leaking” easily when I get emotional and half the time I decide to avoid sentimental subjects all together to protect myself and not look silly, not thinking that maybe, my sharing of a story could bring light to the people I love.  Apparently, I just made a decision for myself, right here, right now, drinking my coffee. 😉

And speaking of a nice day, I think I’ll go for a walk today, even if it’s a short walk, and enjoy the neighborhood before the sidewalks turn into snow and ice and sleet and all that “fun” stuff.

Enjoy this beautiful day! 💛

Wednesday, November 18, 2020

Well, not much to say today, other than it’s been a long, long day and I’m glad I can finally relax.

On a good note, I managed to eat very healthy all day today, despite all the things I had going on, and the fact that my husband made a pizza that looked delicious, and that is quite a success!!! 

Good night! 💛

Tuesday, November 17, 2020

What is the one thing that gives you joy and makes you feel in control of your life, just a little bit? 

I COOK! 💛

This past Sunday I decided that enough was enough of stress eating and eating anything that comes my way. When I’m feeling stressed or rushed or overwhelmed or tired, which has been a lot of that lately, I resource to food, usually not the best of foods for me, so I decided to put a twist to the stress eating and turn it into something that nourishes me and makes me thrive a little more like, healthy eating. 

Good, simple and nutritious food ALWAYS makes me feel better about myself, food plays a huge role in my life.  For other people is exercising (which I should probably do too 😁), or painting, or knitting, or doing anything else that brings them joy, for me is cooking healthy food.  I always feel vitalized seeing all fresh ingredients on my kitchen counter, my pans sizzling with olive oil on the stove, the oven heating up to welcome some type of veggies or meat and feeling the love that these sights and smells give me. 

Sights and smells.  Another gift we have in life, which on most days we take for granted. 

I started a food journal on Sunday, something I’ve tried to do for a long time and always failed to do.  My neurologist has always recommended keeping track of the food I eat and also tracking how I feel each day.

It might’ve taken me almost two decades to get where I am right now with my food diary, but I have finally landed and I couldn’t be happier about it. 

Today, I will rejoice in the meals I cook, the food I eat, and the little or big progress I can accomplish at work and at home.  

These are unprecedented times for all of us, and if we work on taking care of ourselves, even with one little thing, we are always a step ahead. 

Surround yourself with people that nurture you, eat the foods that make you happy, listen to the music you enjoy, read, sip coffee or tea, journal, knit, quilt, paint, run, go for a walk, call a friend, watch a favorite tv show on tv, pray, meditate... do something that will being a smile to your face.  

We might not be able to create a perfect world for ourselves or those we love, but we can start by pausing and reflecting on the things that make our world spin a little faster, while doing something that brings us joy.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, has been my motto.  It works on most days. 😉

Monday, November 16, 2020

It’s a new day, it’s a new morning and the sun is shining brightly, and I’m choosing LOVE and light and positivity, I need that today, I need that now more than ever. 

Life has been very hard for many people this year, and lately hardship has touched the lives of people dear to our hearts, people who have suffered losses and who are struggling with health issues and financial struggle, both heart wrenching experiences.  

For a few months now, I’ve been following the story of a sweet little girl who recently celebrated her 10th birthday and who has been fighting leukemia for a couple of years.  Her family is one of the strongest, sweetest, and most faithful group of human beings I’ve witnessed in a long time.  During hard times like the ones they are experiencing, it’s not always easy to keep the faith and to stay strong, I admire them greatly.  Please say a prayer for Ali and her sweet family, that they will constantly feel the love, faith and strength thousands of people around the world have been sending their way.

It’s not easy talking about hard things, or sad things, but sometimes it’s necessary. We are not true to ourselves, to our humanity, when we put all the sadness of the world aside, in order to have a more enjoyable life.  I’m not saying we have to look for sadness in order to bring our moods down, but we must have empathy for the pain, the grief and the loss that others experience.

It’s funny how sometimes you might relate to some stories more than others and how some people just by the light they radiate in the midsts of their struggles, touch your heart a little deeper. This has been the case for me with this little girl Ali, another young mom of five by the name of Tia, and a young, newly married handsome man named Johny.  All struggling and fighting their own battles, and the characteristic that pulled me to their stories was their incredible FAITH, the incredible faith of their family who loves and cares for them.  Faith is the most incredible source of light and hope in our lives, we must continue to dig deeper for it, especially during these challenging times.

“Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort and letting it be there until some light returns.” Anne Lamott 

Sunday, November 15, 2020

This morning I started the day by setting up some goals, organizing myself and planning on staying focused.  I’m confident I’ll be able to achieve those things, I know myself and the little sparkle I feel when I really want to challenge myself. 

I had been doing so good for a while eating all the healthy things, going on walks and taking care of myself in every way.  

Life got very busy for me, stress happened and I neglected myself.  Why do we always (almost always) do that when life gets challenging? It’s in those times that we should nurture ourselves even more.  Reinforce the care. 

Yesterday I was home all day.  That hasn’t happened in a long time, and it made me realize that eating healthy and taking care of myself comes natural for me.  Time, commitments and stress outside of my home is usually what drives me to the “not so good” foods for me and bad habits. 

This morning I started a new practice I created for myself.  Journaling by hand all the things I cook and eat, in an effort of keeping myself accountable and focused! I’m feeling inspired.

I’ve always noticed that the longer I stay on a path (good or bad), the easier it is to stay on track.  Habits are formed, and they required work, wether is conscious or unconscious work. 

Right now, I’m focusing on my ruled paper, my markers and pen and most importantly, MY HEALTH!!! 

I can do this, yes, I can! 🥳💪🏻

Saturday, November 14, 2020

Happy Saturday!!! ❤️

I’m embracing this moment of silence and quiet at home right now like the moment when you capture a ray of sunlight bouncing off a window. ☀️

This morning I woke up thinking about the talents and gifts we are given at birth or developthroughout our lives.

Gifts of wisdom, languages, discernment, empathy, creativity, knowledge, vocations in many forms.  

I believe that we are ALL born with unique gifts and talents.  We all have something meaningful to share with the world around us, and although we develop our gifts and talents at different levels according based one opportunity and the way we thrive and chase dreams, our talents and gifts are there, always there, either showing on the surface or hiding, waiting to be explored and discovered. 

We have a responsibility with the talents we are given.  We have a responsibility to share those talents and not keep them buried to ourselves or our own and only good. When we give, we multiply the talents and gifts we posses. 

Sharing our talents and gifts is very similar to investing financially or in business.  The braver and more courageous you are with your investments, the better changes you will have at getting the results you wanted and having more. 

Sharing our talents and gifts works the same way, even better!  When we develop and share our gifts, we create a ripple effect.  Our gifts and talents continue to spread and affect others in a positive way.  One may never know how we’ve touched someone else’s lives, and if by sharing our talents, only ONE person is changed positively, we all benefit from it.

Our wealth, our knowledge, our wisdom, our talents and all those amazing things life has blessed us with, are not for us to hoard and keep away from others.  We came to this earth with nothing, but bearing our own unique gifts, and also with a purpose, to share them with those whose lives we touch. 

May we be always conscious of the way we are sharing our gifts, our treasure and our talents. 

Have you ever really reflected on your gifts and talents?  Have you spent time developing and exploring those talents and thinking about a way of sharing them with those around you? 

Meditate on that. ❤️

Friday, November 13, 2020

A long day in many, many ways, but I’m home, I have my feet up on the ottoman, I’m drinking a hot cup of chamomile tea and trying to unwind. 

Around 4 pm this afternoon I was feeling like I wouldn’t be able to get all my work done and then voila, a big wave of blessings came over me and I was able to get most of my work done in the most amazing of ways.

After a long, long day in so many ways, I’m thankful for the blessings and kindness experienced throughout the day. 

Good night. 💛

Thursday, November 12, 2020

A week ago I attended a prayer service focused on meditation and silence.  It was powerful in so many ways but I also found it challenging.

I thrive on moments of solitude at home, moments when I’m by myself and there is nothing but peace, quiet and all I can hear is the fridge running. 

When I’m home by myself or I’m up before anyone else so I can spend time with myself, I usually have a book, my phone and/or a notebook and a cup of coffee.  See, I’m “alone”, I think I’m experiencing solitude and silence, but my mind is distracted by other things and thoughts.  

Silence in it’s pure essence is very challenging, unless you make it your daily practice. 

I decided to start practicing silence.  Not solitude, I seek that on a daily basis, it’s almost crucial for my mental health, but silence is different.  I have started by setting aside ten minutes a day in the morning.  Ten minutes of silence. Ten minutes of NOTHING in my hands.  Ten minutes away from the noise of the world.  Ten minutes to pray, ten minutes to allow my soul to feel what it needs to feel. 

I can’t say that it has been easy.  Ten minutes seem like nothing, but when you are not used to practicing something, ten minutes can feel like a long time. 

Practice makes progress, and if that practice will renew me in ways I never saw coming, then... welcome silence! Perhaps with time, those ten minutes will turn into fifteen and eventually into half hour.

Our bodies need moments of nothingness and connection with ourselves.  Seek it and feel the transformation within. ❤️

Wednesday, November 11, 2020

Today has been a wonderful and productive day all around... for me personally, and for everyone at my house as well.

I love it when projects get done, when we check off boxes in our to do list, and when we work as a team to accomplish all the things we want to accomplish. 

The big kid is making big plans, and the little, who is not so little, making her own exciting plans.  It’s fun so fun to witness their passion and enthusiasm for what they feel called to do in this world.  Youth and excitement at it’s best, and at their prime of their lives. 

Today was a colder day in Chicago, but a beautiful and sunny day nonetheless.  

After a day of work, errands, and some housework, I’m finally sitting down with a cup of coffee (yes, coffee before bed time 😃), a lighted candle and a funny show, because these days, I need all the humor I can get! 

Thankful for a day of ordinary blessings that make our lives a little extra special. 💛

Tuesday, November 10, 2020

I had a really good night sleep last night and then the barometric pressure changed, rain is coming our way and my head is like “Oh no! No, no...” but I’m thankful that I have the resources to tackle the pain before it becomes the unpleasant visitor I’m never excited to welcome. 

Today, is the last day in the 70’s here in the Chicagoland and tomorrow we will he waking up to temps in the 40’s, yikes, quite the rude awaking after having glorious days in the mid 70’s, but it’s been wonderful to have them.  I think I might go for a walk before the rain comes. 

I’m going into work a little later today and right now I’m enjoying the peace and quiet of my home.  The quiet that I’m experiencing right now is exactly what I’ve been needing. 

Stan is at work, the girls are still sleeping and our dog, Daisy decided to take a morning nap.  I can almost hear my breath is that quiet and it also feels peaceful, if you know what I mean.  The peace you can sense with your full body. 

I’m drinking my coffee, eating an avocado toast with yummy vine tomatoes on top and simply taking in the wonders of ordinary moments like this one.  

I like adventure, I like exploring and thrills (to a level), but I also 100% enjoy the art of doing absolutely nothing and just being one with the world around me.  I think that’s what brings me the most joy actually. 

The world has felt so uncertain lately, for many people, including our family for various reasons, and moments of peace and tranquility like the one I’m experiencing right this moment are a huge blessing.  An ordinary blessing. 

I have a few fun projects that I will be working on at the office later and I’m excited for that as well.  I love working with creativity and letting my imagination guide me.  I’m thankful for what I get to do and experience every day. 

It seems like today we will be eating homemade ground turkey tacos with a homemade pico de Gallo salsa, pickled onions and guacamole, YUM, I can hardly wait until dinner time, it’s going to be muy delicioso! 😉😋

Make someone smile today! ❤️

Monday, November 9, 2020

I’m sitting on my porch drinking my coffee as I do almost every day and it really couldn’t be a more beautiful day!!! It’s 70 degrees and sunny, five big Canadian geese are keeping me company just a few feet away from me snacking on grass. Right now, right this moment, life is good and I’m taking it all in.

Not much is going on today other than the fact that is another working day, THANKFUL for that, I love and need my job, and I’m making tacos for dinner from scratch with all it’s fixings (fresh salsa, marinated onions and all), I’d promised my family that I would make them on Saturday but then the day got magically away from me and I had distracted with happiness.

Today is the day. Today is taco day and taco day is always a happy day at home! 🥳

Writing this makes me realize that I love ordinary moments, I really do.  Yes, of course I love extraordinary moments of celebration and extreme joy, but the ordinary is what keeps me the most joyful, grounded and grateful. 

A new day. A job to be thankful for. A fresh cup of coffee.  A beautiful sunny sky.  Tacos in the horizon, and a a body that allows me to do and enjoy all those things.  Thankful, very thankful! 

What ordinary moments are you thankful for today? ❤️

Sunday, November 8, 2020

You know that typing “bubble” that shows up on your phone when someone is sending you a message? If you have an iPhone, you’d know what I mean, I am not familiar with other smartphones. 

That’s how I’ve been feeling lately, a constant typing bubble that then disappears into thin air after I’ve typed and typed because then I decide that, “nah, it’s not worth it...” or even if it’s not about something I want to say, and it’s just my head. My head is a contact typing bubble.  I’m talking life in general, it’s my nature. 

This year has been hard, we have all gone through hard things. Some have experienced pain in bigger ways than others, but we have all experienced pain and disappointment to a certain degree.

If life has taught me anything is that patience and tolerance are great virtues.  Virtues that I am still working on, and will always be working on. 

Yesterday was a great day in so many ways, but I experienced pain too, pain that left a few extra scars in my heart, that I now have to process and heal from. But, isn’t that what life is all about after all?  Joy and pain. Pain and joy. Life is a healing process.

After a long day of ups and downs, I received a text from one of my brothers, “please call mom when you get a moment.” Well, if your mind works like mine, you know it didn’t go to a happy place.  My parents and brothers live 2,000 miles away from me, and usually those texts, especially if they don’t come with a smiley emoji 😉, you know it can’t be any good.

I was right. My mom shared with me a couple of unsettling news, but things seems to be starting to look up.  After our conversation, a few breaths and a prayer, that phone conversation made me feel a huge disconnect from my own birth family, who I love dearly. My family seems to be of the idea of “why should we share and worry her when she’s so far away?” I know they are trying to protect me in a way, but it doesn’t make things any better for me, especially when I feel isolated enough.

They say “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” Not sure how I feel about that phrase after being away from my birth family for 25 years.  Can you tell I miss them?! 🙃

Well folks, I didn’t mean to be a downer today, but my intention with this blog is to share how I feel in each present moment, and this is what’s in my heart today. 

It’s another beautiful day today, the sun is shinning bright, the air feels amazing, I’m going to finish enjoying my cup of coffee and then I’ll take our daisy girl 🐶 for a walk... maybe I’ll take Stan too! 😉

Have a lovely day, find a reason (or two or three...) to make you smile! ❤️

Saturday, November 7, 2020

I remember when my girls were little and I was 55 years younger 😁, I used to be scrupulous about my house. Scrupulously is not necessarily a quality, in the contrary, but I did love having a clean to almost perfection home, every corner of my house organized and everything, everything in place.  

I used to have a bin and a cabinet for every need our family had.  I had a special organizer for art supplies that was color and item coordinated, a bin and box for every toy according to it’s theme and so forth.  I hardly ever went to sleep before fluffing, yes, fluffing every pillow on our family room couch and washing every dish in the kitchen sink.  In my mind, my family worked better and felt better when things were in “control.”  Control was all in my mind, but it worked for me, and hopefully made things a little easier and more pleasant at home, although, I am positive those are not the things my girls who are now young adults, remember.  Not at all, I’m sure.

For the past few years I’ve worked a lot, especially the past year or so.  Long hours, many commitments, and years (age) later, I definitely don’t seem to have the same energy, interest or enthusiasm about the upkeep of my house.  Yes, of course is clean, and we do the regular household chores to maintain the house clean and somewhat organized, but I have lost, almost completely, interest in obsessing about it.  And that’s a good thing, but I do miss the days of walking in and feeling like I had just walked in to a well kept bed and breakfast.  

Last night I went to bed with many thoughts in my head, because what’s new, I do way too much thinking on most days, and I was reminiscing about the “good old days”, when things always seemed to be under control.  It didn’t take me long to understand that control is the least of our human abilities.

This morning I woke up fueled up, and energized and EXCITED about organization and cleaning (I know, weird!), and all things that bring zen to my life.  I like a house with a homey feeling.  I’ve been a busy bee all morning and even though I wanted to sleep in today, that didn’t happen, my body would simply not allow it, it’s been too many years in training with this “time to wake up”, type of situation, but it’s ok, I like... doing things. 

Today, I will focus on some of the things that bring me joy.  Organizing my house, cleaning to have a feeling of peace, finding new fabric to reupholster our kitchen chairs (I’ve done that twice before, we’ve owned our kitchen table for 17 years), and moving some things around.  We also need a new couch for the living room which has become our big family gathering place.  I’m also spending time in the kitchen organizing the fridge, and cooking!!! 

I know, it all sounds a bit odd, but these are the things that bring me joy the most.  My home and those in it. ❤️

Friday, November 6, 2020

It’s November, the thick of Fall in Chicago and I’m sitting in my front porch wearing a tank top because the sun is as hot as ever! It’s a great feeling!!!

I used to go on early morning walks with a friend who happened to be my neighbor too in my old neighborhood and we both would take our coffee cups with us as we walked leisurely around the block after we had put our daughters in the school bus.  

I remember these walks, I can still feel the warmth of the hot coffee in my hands and the fuzzy feeling of knowing that I could enjoy that moment and be one with the world, maybe even for just a few fleeting minutes.  The memories of those days feel comforting right now.

A lot has changed since then.  Years have gone by, we changed neighborhoods, our kids got older, our own personal relationships have adapted to the circumstances and lifestyles, but I will always cherish our bond and friendship.

This morning I decided to take my coffee for a short walk around my block and take in the beauty of the season.  The trees outside our home have turned a glorious yellow and half of them are decorating the path of the sidewalk, and it’s simply breathtaking to see. 

These days I need all the peace and solitude I can take.  The world has been way too noisy, and quiet calms the heart. 

I am currently designing (sounds better than working on 😉), a plan to allow more peace, more quiet and more self care into my life, and I have to do it purposely.  I believe that if we assign time for ourselves every day, we can begin to change our perspective and the way we perceive others around us as well.

One thought, one breath and one day at a time... that is the best gift I can give myself. 💛

Thursday, November 5, 2020

Yesterday I woke up feeling extremely tired, extremely nervous and unsettle about the election and over all drained from the night before and going to bed in the early hours of the next day. 

I needed a distraction from all the worrying and thinking and resourced to cooking which always seems to make me happy.  

Before making breakfast, my oldest daughter and I sat on the porch with coffee (me) and tea for her and we chatted for a couple of hours.  It was so refreshing to simply sit outside, enjoying gorgeous weather and sharing each other’s concerns and hopes about the current state of the election.  I have always admired her thirst for knowledge and her resourceful personality when it comes to anything that interests her.  She’s a great conversationalist too which is refreshing. 

After talking for a goo while, she went on a long run and I got busy in the kitchen while my youngest daughter still slept. 

I made the most delicious breakfast of roasted potatoes, kale, mushrooms and fried eggs and the three of us sat down to eat it after I was done cooking. 

Cooking takes time, but it’s also one of the most enjoyable things, at least for me. 

I’m very thankful for the opportunity to spend time with my girls yesterday talking about things that matter to us and to our country.  Thankful for my passion of cooking which provides an outlet for the every day stresses of life, but most importantly, for the promise of a new day that allows me to continue on my quest of peace and faith. ❤️

Wednesday, November 4, 2020

Good morning. Sitting on the porch all by myself, taking in the beauty of this day, it’s such a beautiful day, the sun is shinning and I’m letting the breeze and the vitamin d heal me, I needed all of this today.

I’m feeling a bit shattered this morning I’m not going to lie, for many different reasons, shattered and shaken, and incredibly astonished by the division. 

I went to bed after 2 am this morning (for obvious reasons), and at 3:15 am I was awoken by screaming sounds coming out of the hallway right outside our bedroom.  Lights went on, and there was so much commotion going on!

I thought the girls, and by girls I’m referring to 22 and 18 year old young ladies - I thought they were still up following all the events happening with the election since they had been up with up until the moment I went to bed.

Nope, it had nothing to do with that.  Apparently, Bella saw a “wolf” spider in her bedroom and sent her into a panic. She is extremely afraid of spiders and give her awful anxiety, but last time I checked, we don’t live in the Utah mountains or any mountains by any means.  Based on the screaming performed early this morning, you would’ve thought something horrible was unfolding at the end of the hallway. 

I didn’t see the mentioned “wolf” spider, but I’m pretty such it belonged in the story “the itsy bitsy spider...” 😬

After hours of stressing yesterday and staying up all night and into the early hours of today, I woke up with my stomach in knots, literally, and a horrific migraine which I haven’t had in a few days.  I’m nursing it already and starting to feel some relief. 

I’m going to enjoy today.  I will continue to hang on to hope as I always to have FAITH! ❤️

Tuesday, November 3, 2020

I will start this post by saying that I am not an expert on politics, I actually don’t know a whole lot, but the years I’ve lived on this earth as an adult have giving me enough knowledge to understand some of it, and my natural born empathetic self - which sometimes is honestly hard to deal with on many levels - has made me especially aware of our political climate lately.

We can no longer say “I’m not into politics.  I don’t care about politics. I’m impartial to politics...” Not now, not anymore, not when there is so much on the line, and so many important and crucial issues at stake. 

Health. Families. Race. Climate change. Security. Leadership. And the list can go on and on. 

I certainly can’t do a whole lot when it comes to changing the world around me, but if I can do my part by voting, I’d do that and that’s what I did. 

This election has left many scars in our souls, I know it has affected mine for sure.  We have witnessed so much hate and endless insensitive towards human life in general and in all honesty it has been devastating to watch.

I pray that whatever the results in the next few days are, we remember that we are civilized adults, people who respect each other, and human beings who more than anything seek PEACE!

Seek Peace.  Promote Peace.  Be the Peace our world needs. ❤️🇺🇸

Monday, November 2, 2020

All Souls’ Day. A day dedicated to remember our family members and friends who have departed from this earthly journey. 

Working at a church means, long days on special liturgical days like today; and today was no exception, but it was inspiring seeing the many people that came out to celebrate Mass with us during the day and remember their loved ones who have died.

May we always be reminded of the love of our family members and friends who have departed and be comforted by their memories.

Long day.  My feet are tired but my soul is wide awake. ❤️

Sunday, November 1, 2020

Giving thanks doesn’t particularly apply to a day or a month even, but since November is the chosen month of giving thanks in the US, I always love to take this opportunity to rejoice in all the blessings in my life.

I didn’t grow up celebrating Thanksgiving, observing thankfulness on a specific month or day, and especially in social media world where there is a day dedicated to everything, almost literally, but I remember feeling always thankful for what I had. 

Today, on this very first day of the month, I’m thankful for a full day of rest that allowed me to recharge and get strength for the week ahead.  I did absolutely nothing other than relax, watch tv shows and eat at random times of the day.  I know it all sounds super basic, but some days, ordinary can be the extraordinary we need in our lives. 

Happy November month to all of us! May the days ahead be days of joy, health, change and positivity! ❤️

Saturday, October 31, 2020

BOO!!! 👻

It’s Halloween and of course I’m reminiscing about Halloween’s from the past with my daughters. 

They’ve been anything and everything from ballerinas, to bumble bees, tinker bell, Pocahontas, Cinderella, Ariel, Hanna Montana, Minnie Mouse, M & M’s, Harry Potter and the list goes on and on and on.  18 years in the making of seriously thinking about costumes, which makes for 36 costumes all together, actually 39 counting the baby ones of Michelle prior to Bella’s birth and every year has been a blast!!!

I think their toddler, preschool Halloween days were my favorite.  I loved celebrating and it still felt very mine.  Our babies were our babies (well, toddlers 😉), and after a simple celebration at their preschool, we would spend the day at home doing Halloween things, carving pumpkins, watching Halloween movies, making treats and maybe going trick or treating around the block.

Elementary school years were fun too, especially the lower grade levels.  I was a room mom in charge of organizing parties and special occasions for their classes from 1st grade till 6th grade for both of my girls and I absolutely loved every moment of it! It gave me a little extra glimpse into their school world.  

I remember many of those years where I’d have to juggle work and crafting projects and putting costumes together and planing trick or treating, it was exhausting but it was great fun!  Most of those years I would take a day off from work, or at least half a day off, I always wanted to make sure that my girls had all of me for their special day, they both LOVED Halloween and being a mom during those times was a special treat (literally 😊).  The sparkle in their faces from being dressed up and having fun with their friends was my favorite part.

Once Junior High and High School came along, it was more of a “what are you doing for Halloween? What are you dressing up as?” kind of involvement, but I still made sure that we did some Halloween fun at home as a family.  Ok, why am I crying now??? Ay, ay, ay, I’m such a softy! 

Proceed Maria... 

Although I didn’t really grow up celebrating Halloween, I would make an effort every year and sort of dress up for their school Halloween parties, my costume every single time, some type of cat! 😂 I’d put on car ears (I did change them from time to time, I wasn’t THAT boring after all, lol), and paint whiskers on my face, some sort of black outfit and a tail, and that was Maria’s costume.  Oh, the year before our oldest was born, I worked at a preschool and I went way “out of my way” to dress up and picked some clown costume, it was cute, but now I’m thinking, really?! What was I thinking?! I think the kids loved it though and I had great fun dressing up! 

Although my favorite years of being a mom around Halloween time might be gone, it doesn’t mean we don’t get to still have some fun!

Today, I’m making one of my family’s favorite breakfast, huevos rancheros, we are carving pumpkins and roasting pumpkin seeds and then I’m making my signature Mexican hotdogs (wait till you see them later, HUGE yum!!!), and watching some sort of Halloween movie. I’d prefer “It’s a Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”, to be honest.  I like my Halloween as soon as the candy the kids get on trick or treat days, nothing too spooky. 

Half the house is still sleeping, my house smells exquisite from all the flavors of the roasted peppers and yummy veggies cooking for breakfast and I’m fully enjoying my cup of coffee with a slice of toasted artisan bread we purchased at the farmers market yesterday. 

Thankful for the memories, and so blessed with the love that surrounds me daily. ❤️

ENJOY TODAY! 🎃

Friday, October 30, 2020

After an unfortunate event yesterday (will share more about in the next few days), I had an amazing day today and my heart is smiling... I’m almost positive! 😉

My daughters and i visited the farmers market early this morning since it was their last day of the season!!! Even though I LOVE visiting the farmers market, this year has been so busy that I simply couldn’t squeeze any time to make it there, but today we made it happened and we had a blast!!! I bought way too many things including amazing and exotic produce, artisan breads, homemade dill pickles, sweets from two lovely nuns that make sweet treats and cakes and donate their profits to a soup kitchen in the city, and we also had breakfast at the farmers market, and oh my goodness, what a great treat that way!!! 

I had TACOS and they were AMAZING!!! I had a carnitas taco and a chorizo with eggs taco, and a fanta on the side! 😋

The girls had some fancy shmancy food from an organic and vegetarian stand, and it looked delicious too, but I’m almost positive they didn’t taste as good as my tacos, because nothing tastes as good as tacos, haha!

Because there is no outdoor eating areas at the farmers market now during covid, the girls and I drove to Dunkin’ Donuts and got pumpkin lattes (yum, were they delicious?!) and then ate our food in the car while we talked and made fun of each other, basically! 😂

Believe it or not, after all that food, I was able to meet my friend from church at the pumpkin farm for a late lunch.  We have a annual tradition of visiting the farm every October and today was the day and we had a blast!!! It’s always a good time when we are together! We definitely enjoy each other’s company and we love to laugh a lot which is good for my soul, and her too I think! 😉

It’s been a very long work day for me, but a great one I’d have to say! Lots accomplished!!! 

BEYOND thankful for a great day.  A day of health, family, food food, friendship and the knowledge that beauty can be found in every step we take! ❤️

Thursday, October 29, 2020

Yesterday was quite an interesting day.  It was filled with things to do, lots of work and some leisure too.

I love having a job where I can create, I definitely feel very blessed for that opportunity.  Not only for the opportunity to create, but to be fully trusted in my work, that alone is a gift, and although my work hours can be a little crazy sometimes, I always come home with a full heart no matter what. 

I ended up taking a late, late, late lunch break to go to the pumpkin farm with my family, an annual tradition 22 years in the making now.  Things have changed a lot in our house in the way we observe this tradition, but no matter what, I always find it very enjoyable.

When our girls were little, we would do all the little kids stuff.  Pony rides, and wagon rides and playing in the playground.  Running around the big farm was always their favorite part, and ending the visit with some sort of a sweet treat or two.  I LOVED those days!!!

These days, now that both of our girls are officially adults, the dynamics have changed.  Although, everyone still enjoys visiting the farm, it’s no longer a longer visit type of day.  We usually walk in, walk around a little, take a few pictures, tasty some of their treats, play with some animals in animal lands, and then pick up treats to go. 

Yesterday was interesting as I witnessed my husband almost panic through the farm every time a group of people would get near us. It was NEVER crowded, that’s why we chose to go during the week.  Going inside the cafeteria to purchase treats, no way!!! He politely said “I’ll stay outside to watch over the shopping cart.”  Everyone in the cafe was wearing masks, employees and guests.  It made me sad to witness what this pandemic has done to my easy going, carefree husband.  He has been obviously  greatly affected by it, even though he’d deny half of it.  Of course, I understand 100% the concern and fears, but it still saddens me to see the effects in our every day lives from this virus.  He’s not the only one, I know quite a few people that feel the same and whose lives have changed quite dramatically in the way they view life around them.

Instead of eating at an outdoor restaurant (which he couldn’t get himself to do), we ended up doing carry out from a local restaurant.  Our annual tradition of visiting the pumpkin farm and then going out to eat with the whole family, has to be modified.  It was harder for me than for everyone else, I am a person of habit and HUGE on practicing rituals and traditions.  I didn’t have much of that growing up, and the moment I became a mother, that was always one of my biggest priorities, creating memories.  Sometimes, we forget (well I do) that memories are created no matter what, and that there is beauty, even in the brokenness that surrounds us.  

After my work day, and a visit to the pumpkin farm, I went back to work for a few more hours, and although it was late and I was tired, being there and working on projects that bring me happiness, made me realize how blessed I am, especially for having the ability of finding joy when joy is not necessarily staring at me.  

This is true, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  

Beauty and joy presents to us in different ways, the most important part of our earthy journey is that we are always open to let us visit us. ❤️

Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Longest and most exhausting day, but not even physically exhausting.

I was listening to a beautiful poem today by Irish author Kevin McCormack called “If this time”, and it moved me so deeply I cried at my office listening to it tonight and I cried in my car listening to it again on my way home. 

This 2020 season has been so hard on my heart, on my emotions and the way I see the world around me.  This year has been tough on so many levels.

Hope, we must have hope.  Hope matters now more than it’s ever mattered before.  

We must have hope, we must see the beauty that surrounds us because even in the chaos, there is beauty and we must persevere.

“If this time has taught me anything, it is that bitter tears are the quietest, and on the days when your head wants to hang low, it is important that you look up.  Lift your head, take it in, and breathe deep, for while sometimes this world can be a hard place, your reality, and what you perceive it to be, are seldom aligned.” Kevin McCormack

Tuesday, October 27, 2020

I have the day off today and I’m really excited for the day ahead.  Mainly, just excited to be home and do a little bit of all the things that make me happy.  

Spending time in comfy clothing, cooking a little, spending time with my family, watching a little tv, and relaxing.  I have a lunch date with a good friend today and even though I’ve been looking forward to this day since we made plans, it feels even more special now that restaurants will be closed again for dining in starting tomorrow due to covid.  Surreal times we are living.

It’s snowing a little again today which means barometric pressure for my head, ugh, I’m already getting tired of it and the season is just starting. I had been so good I was starting to enjoy feeling “normal” for a while.  

My head was in a good deal of pain when I woke up but immediately took my prescription medicine and thankfully it’s starting to feel better.  I’m determined not to cancel today’s plans, I’ve done that MANY times in the past, chronic pain always gets in the way of things, not today! 

Also, I’m kind of obsessed with the new frother at home, the simple pleasures of life... ahhhh. 🥰

Cheers to a great day ahead!!! 😘

Monday, October 26, 2020

It’s snowing today!!! The first snowfall of the season and I have to say I always love looking out the window and seeing the tree covered in snow, but this year it seems a liiiitle too early, although this snow is not supposed to stick thankfully! 😃

Yesterday, I listened to a reflection by my youngest brother based on yesterday’s Gospel.  Love your neighbor as yourself. 

Sounds easy, but it’s more challenging than we think.

Loving our neighbors (family members, coworkers, friends, acquaintances, etc...) as ourselves, means, ACCEPTING the good and the bad, the high and the lows and everything in between.  It means, not judging or condemning, or speaking evil about anyone else. 

Would we like for someone to feel those feelings or act in that way towards ourselves? NO! 

Have we all done some of that or all of that at least once in our lives? Absolutely yes! 

Is it easy to avoid the temptation to judge or criticize or find guilt in someone’s else’s life? Not really, not always. 

It’s in our humanity to find imperfection in others, when our own lives aren’t perfect.  

To practice true love, the love we would like for ourselves, towards our family members, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, etc, is a work in progress.  To love our neighbor in the best of our ability, we must love ourselves first and embrace who we are fully.  Self love is a continuous process and not always an easy one.  The moment we realize we accept and love our neighbors as ourselves, we will have succeeded in our efforts of self love. 

We were created out of love and meant for love and acceptance.  Maybe loving our neighbors as ourselves, it’s not as difficult as we think after all. ❤️

Sunday, October 25, 2020

Migraine level today on a scale of 1-10, it’s: 5 becoming 7 quite quickly, BUT, I am SO thankful for all the 5’s I can get even when they are turning into 6’s or 7’s because I know I can somehow manage it.

Feeling better today meant being able to do the thing I wanted and needed to do this morning.  I was able to rest for a few hours after taking my prescription medicine at 3 am, and get a decent sleep until 8 am, which I am incredibly grateful for! 

Feeling better meant, going to my office for a few hours to take care of weekend needs.

Feeling better meant, I was able to enjoy my morning coffee (trying decaf and adding almond milk to help me with other issues, ay, ay, ay Maria!).

Feeling better meant, not having to ask my daughters to lower their voices, to turn down the volume for the songs they are listening and being able to have normal conversations with my family. 

Feeling better meant, being able to enjoy my breakfast.

Feeling better means so far, I can plan and enjoy the day ahead in the best of my abilities. 

Migraine pain SUCKS (yes, I said it!), and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but in a weird kind of way, chronic pain continues to teach me so many lessons, and the meaning of being able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, like waking up in the morning and doing the majority of people do like eat breakfast, walk downs the stairs, have a conversation and maybe turn on the radio or the tv.  

SIMPLE life, GREAT blessings!!! 

Enjoy your day, and pay attention to the simplicity around you.  It’s not as simple and ordinary as it looks! ❤️

Saturday, October 24, 2020

It’s been a day of being on the couch for me, literally all day, something I’m certainly not used to and don’t enjoy doing, but sometimes you have no other choice and it’s ok. 

Migraines have been a two decade battle for me so far and although sometimes I feel like they might be lessening or going away, another bad one strikes and I’m back to square one. 

My doctor this morning suggested going to the ER since I had already taken the allowed daily dosage of prescription medicine and had done nothing.  I dragged myself to the shower in pain and all because I guess a girl will be a girl after all and just in case, I needed to shave my legs and be ready to take on a hospital bed. Crazy the things that go through our minds in situations like that.  

The shower actually ended up giving me some relief and after icing and heating and some over the counter medicine, I started to feel a little bit of relief.  I wanted to avoid going to the hospital as much as I could. 

Although I’m still in a good amount of pain, resting and relaxing and doing what I can to nurse it has helped, but I might have to go back to my neurologist to try to find yet another way of getting this under control.  

The barometric pressure is the WORST thing for my migraines, and although I’m thankful for the rain the ground needs, I’m glad the forecast seems clear from rain for a while, I couldn’t take more of this. 

Anyways, enough of my migraines for now, it’s like a never ending story, but that’s my life and sometimes, we have to bring up the lows to appreciate the highs of life. 

I’m hopeful for tomorrow, and God willing, I’ll be able to enjoy the day and my family without being afraid to move the “wrong” way, or have the tv or music on, without cringing.

These episodes of chronic pain are a great reminder for me to appreciate every moment of good health and normalcy the best I can.  Sometimes, when everything is “peachy” in life, we can forget that life isn’t always perfect and that we have to be so, so grateful for the life we have. ❤️

Friday, October 23, 2020

You guys, here is the thing. I LOVE listening to the rain, watching the rain, but hate getting wet when in and out of my car especially when it’s 40 degrees outside. Ok, it wasn’t 40, but it sure felt like it today.  Also, weather changes are like poison for my body, almost literally. I don’t remember being in this much pain, from head to toe like this week, especially the last couple of days. On top of it, aging means, now I am getting severe heartburn??? What is that all about???  Two days without coffee and my soul is already feeling it. 😭

But I’ll take tea in exchange of no acid reflex, that stuff is awful, you literally feel almost like you are having a heart attack! It’s very confusing, especially when you’ve never had it. 

I took an over the counter pill that the pharmacist recommended and also two tumbs, fingers crossed I have a good night’s sleep, maybe my migraine will go away too. 🙏🏻

I’m really looking forward to relaxing this weekend and not doing not much of anything.  I’ve been working way too much lately, in every possible direction and my body is screaming, RELAX Maria! So, I’m going to listen to my body this weekend and do just that. 😊

Wishing you a peaceful evening. ❤️

Thursday, October 22, 2020

I’ve had some really interesting dreams lately.  Extremely vivid and meaningful to me. 

I’ve always been fascinated by dreams and in the course of my life, I’ve often had dreams that are quite significant and have left me feeling, on most occasions, with a good feeling in my heart. 

I remember my mom having a book about dreams when I was growing up and every time I had a dream that left me with a “wow” feeling, I’d run to find the book as soon as my feet touched the floor.  I can almost feel my fingers flipping through the pages, anxiously looking for MY dream definition of that day. Great memories! 

A few times I’ve had dreams about family members, deceased loved ones, joyful and sad situations.  Dreams that have left me with a good taste in my mouth, and dreams that have awoken me in tears of sorrow. 

Although, lots of research has been done about dreams and the why’s behind it, I don’t think the content and purpose of them has really been fully understood, but it has certainly been a topic of discussion in science, philosophy and religious organizations for centuries.

I’ve decided about five significant dreams I’ve had lately.  Well, two of them I had them a couple of years ago and I only shared them with my mom.  The other three were recent and they are ALL very fitting to the events experienced in my life.  What I find most fascinating is the way these dreams were presented and how they all made me feel.  

Two dreams are about two deceased family members I loved on their earthly journey, one dream involves a funeral procession (totally unrelated to the first two and with a lot of time in between). One involved a curly blonde little girl and the other one chickens, which might sound funny, but this one made me think the most and was so meaningful and shocking at the same time.  

The two dreams about the deceased people I love left me with a feeling of joy, and the way they appeared in my dream could not have been more telling and amazing to fit their personalities and the way in which they died. 

Aside from these five dreams, I remember having dreams about my grandma quite often after she died, and loving the fuzzy feeling those dreams left me with every time.  Even though, I think about my grandma almost every day (true story), I haven’t had any dreams about her lately, maybe that even means something... maybe we’ve had all the moments we were meant to have after her death; maybe it’s her way of letting me know she’s at peace, maybe it’s MY way of acknowledging and accepting her new resting place. ❤️

Stay tuned for my sharing of these dreams soon. 😊

Wednesday, October 21, 2020

The other day I heard someone said “Covid fatigue”, and after thinking about it for a while, I think myself and a lot of other people are experiencing it, but I can only speak for myself right now.

I am definitely feeling fatigued from all that has come from covid.  The lockdown, the mask wearing, the social distancing, the change of pace, the change of plans, the fear, the unknown, the everything.

Although I’ve really tried my best at making the most out of this unfortunate situation, I am starting to feel it in my soul, mainly because I also see it affecting the people I love. 

The numbers are going up again and we might have to face another lockdown.

Maybe I’ll come up with a “plan” to enjoy these unprecedented times a little more.  I do believe in the magic of special moments in the midst of uncertainty.  

I will always try to look at the life from a glass half full perspective, that makes me more joyful. ❤️

Tuesday, October 20, 2020

I was in a lot of pain today, migraine pain. Barometric pressure is like poison for my body, and we’ve had a lot of it lately.  

I watched the weather like a hawk, but today I realized that I need to start being more proactive when it comes to pain prevention.  I’m on it! 💪🏻

Today, I decided not to be a superhero and declare a day of pain when I got home from work.  That meant, not cooking and worrying about what everyone else at home ate (we picked up dinner instead, I guess I still worry about that).  It also meant, laying on the couch right after dinner and nursing my migraine with a heating pad, dimmed lights and quiet.  Instead of working through the pain and suffering silently, I voiced my level of pain and asked everyone to please keep their voices and noise level to a minimum.  I think it worked, the migraine might not be gone, but I definitely feel better.

I’ve been fortunate to have had several pain free days lately and on those days, the things I’ve able to accomplish are incredible.  My energy level is usually great and I find myself to be more productive in every way, more positive and more tolerant of things that would make me feel lots of frustration otherwise. 

The impact that chronic pain has in my life and I’m sure in the lives of all those who suffer from it is immense.  Chronic pain results in severe exhaustion just from fighting through another episode of it, in my case migraines. I usually feel guilty for not giving the best of myself to my family and those around me when I’m not at my best, and I’m always afraid that my pain and lack of enthusiasm can be seen as grouchiness, and the list can go on and on. 

Tonight, I’m thankful for the opportunity to have an “almost” pain free night of sleep.  I’m grateful for my family’s willingness to quiet the house and to understand my pain.  And most importantly, I feel blessed by my ability to “weather the storm” every time I get attacked by another vicious migraine.

Sometimes, I worry about the impact and damage that the constant and excruciating pain could be inflicting to my brain (literally), but I guess worrying about it doesn’t help me either, so I’ll just picture it as the most beautiful and healthy organ of my body instead and nurture it that way. 😊

Sweet dreams everyone! ❤️

Monday, October 19, 2020

HAPPY MONDAY!!! 💛

I woke up with all the good energy today and willingness to achieve things. Part of it is, because the level of pain in my head from constant migraines is controlled today, amen to that! 

Yesterday I had a great day!  One of those days that leaves you with a “ahhhh...” feeling.  I worked for a few hours in the morning until early afternoon, but then when I got home I was decided to do nothing that requires physical effort, including time spent in the kitchen, I basically needed a day for myself!

I ate way too many sweet treats, I brewed WAY too many cups of coffee, and bounced from Cable Television to Netflix to Prime to Hulu as if I had been stranded on Amtrak for two days, but guess what? I loved every minute of it! 😍

Among the things I watched two impacted me the most. Best and most impactful show on my tv screen yesterday was a Broadway play made available on Prime for the first time ever, called “What The Constitution Means To Me” by Heidi Schreck.  SO good, so powerful, electrifying and most of all, eye opening.  This play takes you back to the beginnings of this country and gives you a pretty chilling look about the experience of minorities.  An excellent portrayal of a Constitution that is obligated to look out for everyone.  Well done, Broadway!!!

Another movie I watched was “A Civil Action” with John Travolta.  First, let me clarify how much I love looking at him, he is just so handsome and such good actor, good combo if you ask me! 😉

The movie is based on a true story about a factory in Massachusetts responsible for the many illnesses and deaths in a town nearby due to water contamination from the disposal of their products.  Remember the story of Erin Brockovich, a legal clerk and environmental activist who despite her lack of education was extremely instrumental in building a case against a gas and electric company based in California.  Amazing and empowering story.  A must see! 

I love days of work and leisure.  Days spent with my family.  Day of good tasting food and treats.  Days when I can simply relax and not think about a to do list and days that are empowered by amazing film and television, and yesterday, I had all of that!!! 

Thankful for ordinary moments that leave me feeling... extraordinary. ❤️

Sunday, October 18, 2020

The older I get the easier it becomes for me to create boundaries with people, family, friends, acquaintances, everyone.  

I used to be a people’s pleaser, I think I still am to a certain level, I think a people’s pleaser stays that way forever, maybe not to an extreme, but we will always have a little bit of that in us. 

I have to say (and proudly say), that through the years, I have learned to speak up for myself, although it’s still a struggle at times.  I have learned to say no when I have to, and more importantly, I have learned to walk away, literally and figuratively from people and situations that are not healthy and positive for me and most importantly, my well being.

When I started practicing the art of creating boundaries, it was not easy at all, in fact, I struggled a lot with it.  I was always afraid of hurting people’s feelings, and putting others before me seemed like a better way of dealing with situations, even when those people and circumstances were not fair or kind.

Boundaries are so extremely important for our wellbeing because they set guidelines of how we want to be treated, which in return, creates a healthier environment and atmosphere for ourselves.  

Relationships should be based on respect, they should be appropriate and caring.  If we are not feeling a fuzzy feeling when we are around other people, it’s a sign that we should step away and walk away, and do everything and anything in our power for that situation and/or person to invade and violate the value we see in ourselves.  Loving and respecting ourselves first also means, giving the best of ourselves to those we love. ❤️

“I allow myself to set healthy boundaries. To say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does. Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me.” Lee Horbachewski

Saturday, October 17, 2020

Today was an ewww day and after a long, long day, I’m just writing a couple of sentences to fulfill the daily journaling ambition of mine.

At least, I’m about to sit down with Stan now to watch a movie after a long day. 

Good night! ❤️

Friday, October 16, 2020

Today was a great ordinary day turned extraordinary.

Work was busy as always, but I had a really good work day, and we celebrated Boss’s day with lunch and cake and it was awesome! 

My office has been blessed with a really great Priest that came to us to serve as a Pastor of the church where I work, and  his ministry, dedication and witness of faith has been humbling since the moment he arrived.  Celebrating Boss’s day today felt really good. 

 This week flew by and although I am working this weekend, ending a work week on a Friday always feels like a blessing and achievement.  I love my job and I love working, and the older I get, the more I treasure the opportunity to do what I love while making a living. 

Looking forward to some family time this weekend and also some rest on Sunday.  

Thankful for today. ❤️

Thursday, October 15, 2020

I had a very interesting dream last night which I will share later today or tomorrow.  I wrote it down immediately because dreams seem to go away the moment your feet touch the floor.  I’m still a little shocked by it.  I love waking up vividly remembering what I dreamt about. 

I’m off from work today and I couldn’t be happier, especially because I have no plans at all, and nothing that really needs attention, expect fixing Bella’s phone which she hasn’t had for a few weeks and doesn’t seem bothered by it, in fact, she says not having a phone has given her some peace of mind. Stay that way, Bella! 

A friend shared a poke place she loved about an hour away from my house and the girls and I might try it later today.  That is, after I have at least two cups of coffee.  I’m on number one now. 

Having days of leisure is crucial in our lives.  Days with nothing on the calendar, when we can sleep in if we want (or can in my case, which I don’t seem to anymore these days, my body is so trained to getting up early).  And days to sit on the couch and watch cheesy television wrapped around a warm blanket and a hot cup of cocoa. 

The day hasn’t even quite started yet and I’m already loving it! Enjoying my second cup of coffee already, kindness of Michelle and Bella’s drive through  visit late this morning. ❤️

Also, happy 84th birthday to my dad who is celebrating life today. 🎉

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Good morning!!! What do we talk about today?! 😃

I’ve always been a very positive person, that doesn’t mean that things always go well for me, but I try to focus on the positive and the good of every situation.  

The past few weeks I’ve been kind of not myself in that way, I think it has everything to do with this new season we are all living, our change of circumstances at home, at work, in LIFE in general.  My brain was already geared and “trained” for a completely different year, totally different expectations and then boom, things just got derailed and our brains and hearts and bodies were very confused. 

A few days ago I felt (yes, I felt it!) this shift in my body and mind about the way I’ve been looking at life.  It’s like my body and mind were refusing to go on the same way they’ve been functioning in a less optimistic way, because let’s be honest, it’s been a hard year!!! But that has been what I’ve always loved about myself, my ability to look at life with a different lens, a more optimism lens, the ability to make ordinary things, feel extraordinary, because life is worth it and so brief. 

My brain was almost commanding me to shake off my feelings of all things opposite to joy (I’ve acknowledged them deeply for months and they have consumed me at times), and to start -once again- thriving in the way I’ve always known to do so, by embracing every bit of positive life has to bring.  To be picky about how I choose to invest myself with people, situations, emotions and everything that involves risking my peace of mind and sanity. 

I am SO thankful for that moment of clarity, an epiphany if you may 😉 that showed me once again who I am, my purpose, and the motivation that has kept me going for all these years.  I’m grateful for every lesson learned and for all the growth I’ve had this year.  It has been an interesting ride to say the least. 

Going in late at work today to allow time for some meetings I have to attend, and I’m taking advantage of this “extra” time at home for some TLC, some cooking and some writing and I’m already loving this Wednesday. 

Today, I choose JOY! ❤️

Tuesday, October 13, 2020

Today has been a really great day, mainly (I think) because I started it off with tons of enthusiasm, energy and ambition to accomplish things. 

I was excited to go to work, prioritize projects and return quite a few emails and phone calls I had pending.  Accomplishing all those things is always a good feeling. 

They say that if you love your work, you’ll never have to work a day in your life, and that’s exactly how I feel!  I’m not saying that my job (or jobs hehe!) are a path of roses every day, of course not, I do encounter hardship and difficult moments and days, but I am BLESSED to work at places, each and every one of them that bring me joy in one way or another and that is huge. 

Ending the day with movie night on a Tuesday with my daughter and frozen custard from a local place that has a delicious menu.

My youngest daughter has gotten some really awesome comments from her College professors lately and even though this covid situation has put a damper on her college experience, she is simply rocking her Freshman year by excelling I’m all her online classes. I’m so proud of her!!! 

These days it’s all about celebrating the “little” things in life that make the big picture of life! ❤️

Monday, October 12, 2020

Last night, a friend of mine sent me a picture of her 80+ year old mom and her self at the beach through text.  The picture made me smile really big because I’ve loved them both for a really long time, but it also made me very melancholic.

It’s been over 3 years since I saw my mom last, I actually don’t even remember the exact month, they say, the mind is kind, I think my brain is protecting my emotions.  

3 years is way too long without seeing your parents.  3 years feels even longer without seeing your mom, and today my heart is missing her a little more.

My mom used to come for visits to Chicago quite often, and when my girls were little she’d stay for a couple of months.  Those were the best days!!!

Although I loved every moment, I never realized the significance of it, that one day, those visits would stop and we wouldn’t be able to visit in the same way anymore. 

My mom is now 73 years old and although that is still an age when one can be active and involved, my mom lost her vision significantly and it has slowed down her quite a bit.  Even though her spirit and love for others has remained intact, my mom has aged physically a lot in the past few years, her visual disability has affected her in many ways. 

I miss my mom a lot.  I miss my mom every day.  I miss my mom some day a little more.  Sometimes missing her, hurts. 

If we haven’t heard the saying “don’t take things for granted” at least ten times, we haven’t heard it at all.  This applies here.

Our parents are a gift given to us to hold and to treasure.  Our parents can say that we are their gifts since our lives were placed in their care, but I’ve always felt the other way around.  

My mom has been one of the biggest blessings in my life, and even through the distance she continues to love me and to care for me and to bless me with every breath she takes. 

I’m still hopeful that one day she’s come back for a visit, in the meantime, I’m beyond thankful for technology that keeps us connected every day! ❤️

Sunday, October 11, 2020

Today has been a long and exhausting day in many ways and my daily reflection was coming out kind of forced.

And because I’m simply just too tired, and I don’t like to force anything in life, I’ve decided to call this a night as far as my attempt to write something for my blog. 

Sometimes, we all need a rest, and tonight, it’s that night for me.

I’m going to use this time to lay back, maybe watch an episode of Cobra Kai on Netflix, enjoy a slice of cherry pie from the pumpkin farm, a cup of coffee and simply RELAX!!!

My body needs it. My heart needs it.  My soul needs it, and I’m ok with all of that! 😊

I love it when my thoughts and my actions work together.  😉

Sweet dreams! ❤️

Saturday, October 10, 2020

I think it’s fair to say that this year we’ve heard at least ten times about how hard this year has been. 

Every day and in every social media platform we stumble upon something that speaks about this year in a grieving kind of way, about how incredibly tough this season has been. 

I don’t even refer to this year as 2020, but as a season.  We are living unprecedented times, incredibly challenging times, and even though we continuously look for the good and the positive in our experiences, our souls, our hearts have taken on a new role... survival mode. 

I believe that this year more than EVER, we must practice kindness and be observant about how we practice it.  We must be patient with ourselves, we must be patient with those around us, and empathetic towards our friends and family members that are struggling as much as we are, if not more.

When we feel mistreated, unappreciated and/or ignored, may we immediately shift our thoughts to, “what is she/he/they going through? There must be a reason for that behavior.  How can I support them?!” 

May we not immediately take offense in the way people react to situations.  May we not immediately take things personally, for this IS a hard season!  We are all swimming against current right now, even when it might not look like it.

May we be KIND.  May we be PATIENT.  May we strive to treat others the same way we would like to be treated, today and every day, but especially, in this 2020 season. ❤️

“If we could look into each other’s hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other more gently, with more love, more patience, tolerance and care.” Marvin J. Ashton

Friday, October 9, 2020

Fridays always feel different whether I have to work on the weekend or not and thank goodness they do because we need a different feeling for every day of the week especially this year.

After a long, long day of work, I’m sitting on my living room couch attempting to unwind from the day and all the emotions that my soul goes through the day.

Michelle made hot cocoa and brought me a cup to the living room.  I love it when my children practice random acts of kindness.  I needed that kindness today. 

A hot cup of cocoa (chocolate abuelita to be exact), is warming my hands, calming my heart and helping me ease into the night.

My daughters are talking in the kitchen, laughing their hearts out, having fun and loving their time together.  I am soaking those moments in because I know they won’t last forever.  

Today was a good day, thank especially because I embraced even the moments that felt challenging in some way. 

“It is not happy people who are thankful.  It is thankful people who are happy.” Anonymous 

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT ❤️

Thursday, October 8, 2020

Today was one of those really great days off! I didn’t get to rest much, but I don’t a lot done at home and errands also, which I don’t seem to have much time for lately, which is ok, I’m beyond thankful for what I get to do. 

This morning my oldest daughter and I went to a pumpkin patch near our house to walk around and eat some Fall treats.  It was such a gorgeous, and sunny Fall day.  It was actually perfection! Mid 70’s and sunny. 

I made dinner and we all sat down at the table to eat which we haven’t done in a while. 

Cooking takes SO much time, especially when you make everything from scratch, which is usually what I do, but it’s worth it, although I think I am getting a little tired of all the prepping and cleaning and cooking and serving, etc... my feet get tired a lot sooner these days. 😁

But let me share about my “big” purchase today.  A garbage can!  That’s right, you heard it right. 

Stan and I will he married 25 years next year and we’ve always had a tiny little garbage can in the kitchen for which we have to replace the bags at least five times a day because it fills up fairly quickly.  My husband is quite the organizer at home and doesn’t like bulky, eyesore things laying around.

For a long time now I have been wanting to buy a NORMAL garbage can for the kitchen, you know the ones where you don’t have to change the bag a million times a day?! Yeah, those!  I cannot even mention how many silly arguments we got into every time I brought up the fact that I wanted a different garbage can.  The response was always... “Why? This is perfectly fine! Others will take too much space!” 

Needless to say, yesterday as I was leaving the house to go to work, my husband was emptying the small garbage can in the kitchen and as he pulled the bag out (someone did not put it in the right way), and everything came flying out and the kitchen door was suddenly a big huge mess.

I excused myself and quickly left the house.  You know... I couldn’t be late for work! 😉

Today, while we ran errands I decided I was buying a garbage can for the kitchen.  A GOOD size garbage can, with a foot pedal, and I even got a stainless steel one, woot, woot, what a rebel I am!!! 😃

My daughter thought it was funny how giddy I was about this purchase.  I was, I really was.  You would’ve thought I was purchasing a vacation house without consulting him. 

I picked up that beautiful and shiny garbage can, not caring at all about the price, put it in the cart and proudly drove it home. My daughter said “I mean, it’s kind of a normal thing to buy!” I said “not in our house, it isn’t!” Ha, if life could always be as simple as this right, worrying about to buy or not to buy a... garbage can!!!

We pulled up at the house and I couldn’t wait to walk in with my prized possession.  I PROUDLY put it in the laundry room where it will be, right next to the kitchen, and like a little kid I waited for my husband to come downstairs after a full day of work to see the surprise. 

He was surprised alright, haha, but he took it way better than I expected, and now thanks to my “courage” 😉, we have a beautiful, shiny and efficient garbage can in the kitchen. 

This has nothing to do with a garbage can, but everything to do with perseverance.  

A day off filled with fall moments at the pumpkin farm, quality time with my big girl, a delicious and homemade family dinner and Netflix time on the couch while sipping hot cocoa was just what my heart’s been missing these days. 

Thankful for every joyful moment today.  Especially... my new garbage can! 😉❤️

Wednesday, October 7, 2020

This morning I woke up to no coffee in the house.  Truth be told, I haven’t had any time to go shopping lately, and the little “spare” time I have, I just want to be home.  I’ve never enjoyed grocery shopping anyways, and when I’m tired I avoid it like the plague.  My husband usually does the grocery shopping (yes, I know, how lucky am I?! 😍), and since his recent surgery, he hasn’t been able to drive yet.

On Monday I had to go to the store to buy toilet paper and water, necessities - as soon as I had those things in my cart, I left as fast as I could! I wonder why I dislike stores so much. Consumerism has never been my thing, I am more of a minimalist when it comes to acquiring things. Although, I did grab a bag of flaming popcorn and chocolate covered almonds on my way out, oops! 🙊

Anyways... waking up to no coffee in the house is usually not a good way for me to start the day.  I got in my car after I got ready for work and drove to the nearest drive thru with coffee.  McDonalds actually has amazing tasting coffee! 

I decided to take my coffee to a lake near my work and sip it in the quiet of the day all by myself before starting the hustle and bustle of the day.  These days, I need as much quiet time and solitude as I can find. 

I recently heard someone talk about the importance of silence in our lives.  And no so much the silence that it comes when we turn off the tv, or the radio or our iPods or any electronics for that matter, but the silence we experience when we purposely seek it and contemplate it. 

Silence, if you think about it, it’s crucial in our daily lives.  It’s what feeds our souls in this very demanding world, especially now since the birth of social media. 

Silence is as important as drinking our water, washing our face at night, grabbing on to faith (if that’s what we believe in), and anything that makes our hearts and souls breath in peace and breath out love.  

May we purposely seek moments of silence and solitude in our daily, ordinary days.  Even if it’s just for a short while. ❤️

Tuesday, October 6, 2020

Currently on my second cup of coffee, sitting in a parking lot of a medical center.  My husband has a follow up appointment for the knee surgery he had last week and due to covid, they are allowing a limited number of visitors in the building, so I’m taking this opportunity to breath, reflect and focus on grace. 

“Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.” Brene Brown 

“Grace is like a lake of drinkable water right outside your door.  But you stay inside and die of thirst.” Maya Angelou 

“For grace is given not because we have done good works, but in order that we may be able to do them.” Saint Augustine 

GRACE.  Grace has gotten me through many ordeals in life.  Grace has held me by the hand in my weakest moments, my loneliest days, and my most consumed and astonished experiences.  Grace is what has kept me going when I think there is nothing else left in me to give.  Grace has always given me the push to keep going, to focus on my purpose in life and to find balance in a not so well balanced world. Grace more than anything else, has gotten me through life in a way that I will never be able to quite put into words. 

I will never understand the great mystery of grace, for grace is not seen, but felt and not in a physical kind of way.  Grace has always met me where I am, but it never leaves me where I found it.  Grace has given me the opportunity over and over to become more whole, more of who I was put on this earth to be. 

Sometimes, we don’t even realize the who’s, the what’s or the where’s grace will meet us.  Sometimes our tears and our afflictions show up almost purposely to open up our minds, our eyes and help us see the world around us in a deeper, more genuine way. 

May our lives be built grace upon grace, for grace is one of the purest forms of love. ❤️

Monday, October 5, 2020

I was thinking of things I should or could do to add joy to these days.  2020 has definitely been a yucky year in many ways and it has altered my soul.

One thing that definitely brings me joy is cooking and I need to get back to doing that, but especially finding the time to do it.

A friend was telling me on Saturday that it takes 30 days to create a habit.  I think I’ve heard that before, and I believe it, except I need to work harder at that. 

I finished my third round of Whole30 (30 days!) a couple of weeks ago and stress and life got the best of me and I fell back into my not so healthy stress eating habits, but I’ve decided to work on a health regimen to get back to place I want to be in. 

Lesson #197 lesson learned this year today!  One thing I DO have going for me is, MY FAITH. I really don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have that to cling on. 

This too shall pass. ❤️

Sunday, October 4, 2020

Last night I was feeling depleted in every way, the not so nice kind of way.

At 8:45 pm I decided to turn off the tv which I had been watching for approximately 20 minutes, and after not being able to find anything “good”, fun or positive to watch, I thought that was enough and Netflix, Prime or anyone else for that matter, deserved any more of my precious time. 

Soon after shutting the tv off and still unmotivated to do anything else I decided to lounge on the couch for a few minutes while I browsed through the interesting lands of social media. 

I came across a video of a Colombian girl I started following a few months ago, who inspires me every time I see one of her posts, videos or stories. 

She was Miss Colombia in 2011-2012 and not only is she gorgeous, but her heart is even more beautiful and that is the focus here.  The inside of her soul, it shines from miles away! 

In early June of this year she lost her left leg from the knee down due to complications from a sudden and unexpected illness.  Her right leg is compromised as well, but thankfully they were able to save it.

Yesterday, as I was browsing through Instagram, I came across a new video she had posted.  It was an old video of her dancing, previous to her amputation, and she looks so happy and full of life. 

The amazing thing about Daniella is that she is the same person right now, her essence and beauty shines from within and nothing stops her from her enjoying life to the fullest.  In that post she shared, she says how she can’t wait to get her prosthesis and dance like that again. Amazing!!! I know she will do that one day soon!

I’ve never met Daniella in person, but her story has taught me a great deal about determination, attitude, strength (in every way), and overall love for life. 

She has chosen GOLD, to repair the broken pieces of her story and she’s doing it with such grace and love, and strength that is beyond admirable. 

Whenever I’m feeling a little down or exhausted or confused about what’s going on in the world, life around me, I glimpse at her page always certain of finding motivation to tackle what’s next. 

If you have Instagram, make sure to check her page out, I know, it will make you smile in some way, even if you don’t speak Spanish. You will feel her essence without the need to speak her language. 😊❤️

Daniella’s Instagram page: danielaalvareztv 

Saturday, October 3, 2020

I am the kind of tired today that even this philosophical girl has nothing to say today, but I’m honoring my body, soul and mind and getting the rest it needs instead of making it work to “create” once more, not now, not tonight.

These days, I’m seeing life a little deeper and from a different perspective.  With truth, light, love and so much honesty, especially to the way I live my life and the people I surround myself with. 

Life is an incredible gift in which we have first class seats, what we make of it, with the resources we have, depends on us. 

Here is to a busy Saturday that ended with uneventful tv shows and spaghetti and meatballs. 🍜

Friday, October 2, 2020

My husband had surgery today (things went well and he’s recovering nicely thankfully) bur the whole experience drained me, imagine how he must feel.  Visiting hospitals, especially during covid time, it’s exhausting, so many more protocols to follow now. 

My husband has been hospitalized quite a few times in the past few years and every time I am just simply amazed by the medical professionals that assist us during our visits.  Nurses and doctors in pre-op and recovery, their level of commitment and responsibility is incredible.  They never stop, they walk back and forth doing all of their tasks and always with the best attitude.

Today I was especially impressed by the Operating Room Nurse.  A male nurse, probably in his early 30’s who seemed SO incredibly passionate about his profession.  He was energetic, pleasant, knowledgeable, a go getter, humorous and simply amazing in so many ways.  He made us feel at ease every time he stepped in the room.  

Right before he wheeled my husband out of the pre-op room to take him to surgery I said “you seem to really love your job!” And he quickly and enthusiastically responded, “I DO, I love it! It’s not every day that someone gets to experience the things I do, and see the things I see in the operating room, it’s amazing.”  As he wheeled my husband out of the room, he talked to him, talked to another nurse that was walking back to the OR with him and made everything and everyone around him feel extra special. 

A few hours after surgery, my husband and I were talking about the surgery, what he remembered before he was sedated and the recovery room, and as we talked about the experience and the medical professionals that assisted him, he said “they were all so great, but the nurse in the operating room (Matt, the same one I am referring to), he was great! He was pleasant, and nice and helpful.” 

Stan and I didn’t share our opinion about who our “favorite” person of the day at the hospital was, but the passion that this particular nurse displayed, made a huge impression on both of us. 

I will definitely be writing a note to the hospital and letting them know how big of a difference his positive attitude and love for his job, made in our day. 

A long and stressful day, made better by someone who feels so passionate about his job, that makes an uncomfortable situation, a pleasant one. 

Hats off to all the incredible medical professionals that give so much of their lives and knowledge to help others. 

No wonder there was a big sign outside of the hospital that said “HEROES WORK HERE!” ❤️

Thursday, October 1, 2020

HAPPY 1ST DAY OF OCTOBER!!! ❤️

My head, my heart, my thoughts, my soul, my body have been going a million hours a mile lately, and today, the first day of a new month, I am choosing to start it with positive thoughts and encouraging myself to dig deep and get strength from what has always served me good and best. 

MY FAITH.  My family. My good friends who have been there for me in the good, the bad and the ugly. 

I’ve decided to make it a point this month to embrace ALL things Fall! The food, the scents, the weather, the outdoors, the beautiful scenery of leaves changing colors and falling off the trees. 

I grew up in Mexico, in very hot climate, where the only seasons I really knew were Summer, 90% of the year, and the other 10% was Winter, which was also extreme.  Although I loved that weather because it’s all the I ever knew, I didn’t realize the beauty behind the change of seasons until I came to live in the Midwest over two decades ago. 

It’s funny how quickly you adjust and then immediately start taking things for granted in a way.  Although, I will always love the change of seasons, I don’t think I pay as much attention to it anymore as I did when I first came to live here. 

Although I love Summer, because it gives us so much freedom and opportunities to be outdoors, I think Fall is my favorite season.  

The earth starts whispering to us that life is always changing.  The hot Summer days are quickly fading away, and we start making room for new beginnings.  As we take out our sweaters and boots, turn on the heat at home and make hot cocoa to watch our shows on tv, instead of iced lemonade, life is holding us by the hand, and inviting us to renew ourselves and also promising new beginnings. 

They say “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, and today, I choose to see beauty once again despite all the hurts and fails of this 2020 season.  I choose to focus on all the positive things, to love myself and to let those who love me, be part of my life in the most intimate of ways.

I want to be “seen” deeply by those I trust and walk this earthy journey in true awareness of my surroundings. 

Here is to new beginnings, new mindset, new focus, and new intentions ❤️

Wednesday, September 30, 2020

Well, as we all know, today is the last day of September, and I’m feeling mixed emotions about it. 

Despite ALL the uncertainty that covid brought to us in the beginning of March, and I can that September was definitely the most challenging month.  

It was trying in many ways, at home, at work, the lives of our friends, it was just TOUGH, and although there were also many blessings in this month, the heaviness of the events and experiences of the month, feels very hard. 

I am very looking forward to starting a new day tomorrow, and although is “just” another day, the single fact that we will get to flip a whole new page on our wall calendars, give me me more hope. 

Hope, new beginnings, this is what I am all about these days. ❤️

Let’s always remember to be KIND no matter what. We never know what people are going through when we are interacting with them. 

Tuesday, September 29, 2020

Last night I was washing my face before I went to bed and as I was putting lotion on my neck and chest I noticed a few more lines. A few more wrinkles.  

I stopped for a while to really pay attention to each of them and that simple moment filled me with grace.

Wrinkles are blessings.  It’s our body telling a story, reminding us of the things we’ve seen, the places we’ve been and the the burdens it’s carried. 

I am as proud of my wrinkles as I am of my stories. They’ve both served me good and taught me many lessons.

Yes, of course I love a good cream with heavy duty collagen, which I’ve found out no matter how much you pay for them, nature calls and skin sags no matter what, but I never obsessed over it, I really don’t. 

Social media has created such an elusive way of seeing ourselves in the way we observe others, I think in a way it’s almost dangerous to our mind and spirit if we don’t observe social media for what it is, a distraction. 

On that note, I’m using this as a love note to self, to my wrinkles, my flaws, physical and otherwise, and to the GIFT of again. ❤️

Monday, September 28, 2020

I’m sitting at my kitchen table, wrapped in the softest bathrobe you can imagine, sipping a perfectly warm and flavored cup of coffee and eating a piece of cherry pie from the pumpkin patch. 

Last night I went to bed with a very heavy heart about many things happening around me lately.  

[I’m sorry if all I’ve done lately is share not so positive posts, but this is real life, and I refuse to go on pretending every day as if everything is always perfect, because it is. Perfection only exists in social media.]

By the time my head touched my pillow I wasn’t really sure I could fall asleep.  I did, and fast. Our bodies have an incredible way of seeking and finding rest when it needs it.  My body was exhausted, physically exhausted, and my soul felt very, very heavy. 

I also went to bed concerned and disappointed about the climate (I’m not talking about the weather, or even the political climate, although that’s beyond disturbing these days) of the world around us, around me. Attitudes, behaviors, choices... disappointment. 

Then, this morning as I sipped my coffee, my ordinary and almost vain worries, faded, and the immensity and weight of other more important and life changing situations, reminded me that we can adjust to most things in life, and the ones that in a day or two won’t be of concern, don’t deserve to take our peace of mind. At all. We are human beings after all, and if you are an over thinker like I am, this can be a big challenge. 

This will be a tough week, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  These moments are the moments where I am immensely grateful for the role that faith has in my life.  Sometimes I wonder, what I’d be if it weren’t for the fact that I resource to faith pretty much in everything that I do in life. 

I promise to come back with uplifting stories soon, for now, I’m allowing myself to feel every emotion, and making space for the wounds and hurts of those I love. ❤️

Sunday, September 27, 2020

A new day, the sun came out, I’m sitting on my front porch drinking my coffee embracing all the blessings of the day, and I am feeling the calmness of the promise of a new day. . 

Stan and I spent some time on the porch talking and sharing about life.  I’m thankful for the gift of his life in mine. I can be 100% with him, and that’s a lovely blessing to have. 

Have you ever stopped to think for a moment about your purpose in life? Do you ever think, am I always (or almost always) doing right by others?  I think about the first question a lot more than the second one, but almost both equally. 

I do believe we all have a purpose in life.  It doesn’t have to be anything grand or life changing, but there is more to each of our lives than ordinary every day living.  I believe that by recognizing the greatness of the mystery of our purpose in life, the ordinary becomes, extraordinary. 

Everything that we say and do has a rippling effect.  Our existence is constantly evolving and reaching depths that on most days we aren’t aware of. Touching lives (we hope for the better), and making an impact in the world around us.

There are so many things I’d like to do and accomplish, including more time for solitude and reflection.  That always seems to fuel my soul.  In the meantime, I’ll drink my coffee and continue to find strength in the ordinary moments that bring me joy. 

Happy Sunday to all! ❤️

Saturday, September 26, 2020

Today was one of those very exhausting days.  I worked a lot and at the end of the day my feet were very tired, and my soul felt very heavy by some things I’ve been experiencing lately. 

After a long, long day, I ended the day talking to my girls about things that are important to us. Our relationship with others, our views on the world, life around us, and it made me feel extremely grateful of the close bond and relationship we have with each other.  

Life doesn’t make a whole lot of sense right now, in many ways, but I feel thankful that in the midst of grief, uncertainty, confusion, disappointment and all those not so happy feelings, I have a family that supports me, values me and loves me unconditionally. 

Good night... almost good morning. It’s 11:50 pm and the alarm will go off at 6:30 am tomorrow. 

Be kind always! ❤️

Friday, September 25, 2020

Sometimes, when the heaviness of the world feels, well, too heavy, words are not necessary.

Entering a few words here to acknowledge that life is not all rainbows and sunshine, and that if I’ve learned anything this year, is that we must learn to treat everyone with a little kindness, for we don’t know what burdens and hurts people are carrying.

KindER is the word of the year. ❤️

Thursday, September 24, 2020

One of my very favorite memories of my childhood was sitting on the porch with my mom or my grandmother or both or anyone that would visit enjoying a wholesome conversation, usually holding a cup of coffee.  

Sometimes, I’d sit there by myself, but that was rare.  Maybe that’s where I get my love for porches.  I simple adore them, they bring back many memories. 

The porch tile in my childhood home, which is the home where my parents still live had a light yellow tile with some white design.  My mother would sweep and mop the porch to perfection when I was young, so I could sit there to play a game of pick-up stix, my favorite game growing up! 

I still remember the fresh and clean feeling of the times and smell of it on a summer afternoon, wearing shorts and touching the coolness of the tiles with my thighs on a hot summer day.

Our house had a front fence and there was a little pathway from the front door of the fence to the porch.  My mother would be in the kitchen cooking and looking out the window.  Those were carefree days, and days where we could trust to be outside by ourselves more freely when we were younger. 

I always felt the watchful eye of my mom regardless.  She took pride in making sure I had the best days, no matter what.  She cared for me and loved me like a prized possession. 

I’m sitting on my own porch right now, my adult porch.  A porch I don’t have to mop, and I sure don’t have little ones playing upfront, but a porch I love very much. 

My mom says that I was always very observant as a child.  I paid attention to everything, I was very sensitive too.  I noticed how the world moved around me, never with the intention of making notice, it was just simply how I was, and now, I’m glad I did.

Here is to front porches and child memories that continue to nurture me to this day. ☕️❤️

Wednesday, September 23, 2020

Today was one of “those days”, we all have them, right? 

I had a very productive day, but I also felt somewhat spent and I’m not just saying physically.  Maybe it’s the weather... I always blame the weather for everything, sometimes it works! 🙃

There is a great quote by one of the human beings I deeply admire, Maya Angelou and it goes like this, “my great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done, to try and love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.”

How great is that? 

 TO LAUGH AS MUCH AS I CRY.  Well, we can only hope that we don’t have to cry a lot in life, but only if we fool ourselves and pretend that life is perfect, then we can say we’ve never cry enough tears to say that we would like to laugh as much.  I talked to a couple of friends recently about life in general and both admitted to have cried by themselves, when they feel overwhelmed, or disappointed or sad.  Although that didn’t make me happy of course; it was in a way reassuring knowing that I’m not alone in this journey of finding joy and peace and balance in life. 

TO GET WORK DONE.  That is one of my favorite things to do!  I am someone that likes to check boxes or like we say “dot the i’s and cross the t’s”,  I am definitely meticulous and precise when it comes to my work.  I take it seriously and it makes me joyful.

TO LOVE SOMEBODY AND ACCEPT THEIR LOVE IN RETURN.  Love, pure love, and I’m not talking about the love we have between husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend type of love, to love someone and to accept their love in the same way, it’s a gift.  We think it’s an easy thing to do, and almost a given, but if you think about it deeply, and carefully, it a lot more meaningful than we know.

I’m currently sitting in the parking lot of a pizza place.  Basically exhausted from the day, and frustrated because my kids couldn’t agree on what they wanted on the pizza, or who was ordering it, and after a super long work day, having to deal with that felt very trying.  I had to order the pizza, and pick it up and do it all. 

Human.  I am a human. My family are all human beings.  Imagine that.  Imperfect people, with our own flows, and shortcomings, especially when we feel frustrated, but I am taking strength, one: on the fresh smell of pizza that will soon be placed in my hands 😉 and two, on the wisdom of the amazing Maya Angelou who always finds a way to center me. 💛

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

I came across a picture from my childhood this morning and it brought back a lot of memories.

It was a picture of my parents and brothers celebrating my birthday.  We are standing at the dining table and I’m in the center behind the cake.  The table is decorated with birthday treats and we all look so happy.  Except my dad, I don’t think my dad was happy that day.

My parents were separated during that time, and my dad lived in the town where I grew up and where we lived prior to their separation.  It was at least a 220 mile drive.  My mom had uprooted us from that city just a few months before.  But that’s for a longer story. 😉

I remember this day vividly!!!  I was celebrating my 7th birthday and I had the loviest dress on. I actually wore that dress to offer flowers to Holy Mary during the month of May the following month.  It was off white and long and had some pink flowers at the top.  I absolutely loved it, it made me feel like a princess! My mom took great pride in making sure we always looked our best, and she did an excellent job at that.

I remember my dad coming into town for my birthday.  I was very happy to see him, I loved my dad, but I remember noticing his sadness.  My mom look so glamorous and SO happy, she glowed during the period of time my parents were separated. I will always remember that.

Looking at this picture, I also remember my mother’s attempt to round up my brothers for this picture.  They were both running around with our cousins and neighbors and it took great effort on her part to sit still and smile for the picture.  It was important for my mom to take a family photo, I’m grateful for her efforts. 

My middle brother Will, standing next to my mom, was so antsy the whole time and couldn’t wait to break free so he could go back to being, Will! 😂 He always had SO much energy and was always the mastermind behind games and anything my cousins did.  His leadership style was as attractive to them as flowers are to bees, that always impressed me.  Will could always gather the biggest crowd of kids, and they would do as he said and they always had a great time.  My youngest brother JR was part of that group also. 

As soon as this picture was taken, I can still picture my two brothers breaking free in the fastest of ways to meet up with our cousins and friends in the back patio again. 

I have so many memories of my childhood.  My parents ups and downs throughout my years of growing up, will always be bittersweet to me, but I also have MANY amazing and happy memories, and a deep, deep appreciation and gratitude to my mother who always made sure we had the best of everything and the most beautiful of memories to last a lifetime. ❤️

Monday, September 21, 2020

Yesterday my family and I drove 25 miles out to have dinner at one of my favorite bbq places, and it was worth it every mile there and back.

Our time together made me realize a few things.  While the girls walked away from the table to use the bathroom, Stan and I talked about everything and anything, took a couple of selfies, laughed and enjoyed each other’s company.  The older we get, and the more time that passes by, makes me realize that we have been very blessed in life to have crossed paths with each other.  I can’t say the road has always been smooth, we’ve certainly experienced a rainbow of situations, some pleasant, some unpleasant, pain, heartache, but mostly, lots and lots of joy.  Growing older together means, adapting to each other and understanding our new weaknesses and fears but always supporting each other and other dreams in the best of our abilities. 

Also, the girls sat at dinner looking at Stan and I from across the table.  Trying to figure out who had my eyes or Stan’s eyes, or face shape or eye lines, features, etc... they’ve done this before, quite a few times. It’s fascinating to me that they always find so much joy in the mystery of genes, that determines so many of the characteristics that makes us who we are, not only physically, but emotionally and in every level all around.

It’s so awesome for me to see the deep love and affection that both of my girls now 22 and 18 have for each other and the extreme amount of support they give each other.  They are definitely each other’s number #1 fans, and I’m ok being outnumbered. 😊

They are always complimenting each other, LAUGHING constantly and also teasing each other.  It’s the best thing to watch!

On our way to be seated, Bella turned to the hostess and said “I love your nails, they are so pretty!” It made me smile because it reflected some of personality traits.  It’s pretty cool seeing our children develop their own personalities and grow up to be their unique selves, but also watch them imitate in a way, some traits and behaviors they’ve observed in us, the parents while growing up.  Science is amazing, all around!!! 

Going in to work a bit later than usual today because I have to work late, but it’s nice to be able to sit back and enjoy my morning cup of coffee in a more relaxed way on a Monday morning! 🥰

HAPPY MONDAY! 🌟

Sunday, September 20, 2020

My feet might be tired but my soul and heart and whole self is wide awake!!!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the way our society has gotten accustomed to instant gratification thanks (or no thanks) to technology, and how we in exchange have lost our sense of patience and kindness in a way.

We have become a society that demands service, and “perfection”, and when we don’t see the results we expect, instead of laughing it out, or trying to understand the why’s behind a malfunction or inconvenience, we stomp and pout and shout. 

Most of my life I’ve laughed at mishaps because that alternative is softer on my soul.  I’d like to think that my positive disposition has gotten me through a lot in life, always looking for the bright side of things. 

And speaking of looking at the bright side, after a very long weekend of lots of work and running around, I really wanted some family time.  Going anywhere too far didn’t sound appealing, but we managed to go out to eat at one of my favorite bbq places and sit outdoors and talk and laugh and simply be together.

I’m enjoying my second cup of coffee of the day with a piece of bread pudding from the restaurant that is so, so delicious. 

This was a great and quite productive weekend and I feel equality thankful for the work, the tired feet, and also for my time of leisure and quiet. ❤️

Saturday, September 19, 2020

If I could share a piece of the peace I’m feeling right now and  the moment of gratitude with you, I would, but simply look at my coffee cup picture and I think it says it all.  My porch, hot coffee in my hands, the coziest hoodie, 52 degree weather and sunny and the water fountain across my house serenading me.  Ok, there is also a construction truck making all kinds of noises, but I’m trying to ignore it! 🙄😂

I don’t have to be ANYWHERE for the next five hours and I couldn’t be happier!  I’ve decided to do NOTHING, that’s right.  Maybe I’ll make breakfast because that makes me happy, but they will be about it.  I need time for me, time to sit back and as the priest at the church where I work says “time to stare at the wall.” That’s so crucial for our overall wellbeing. 

I have to admit that ever since I’ve gotten a lot busier with work, I have really made an effort on self care when I’m not working and by that I mean, doing the things I love or not doing anything at all but sitting outside, drinking coffee, talking to my family, going for walks and that sort of thing.  Every once in a while, I’ve gone for a little excursion outside of my home to a forest preserve or state park, but all in all, I’ve made sure that my leisure time at home, doesn’t become a “chore”.  A time to catch up on all the things I’ve neglected while I’m at work, etc., after all, I live with three other adults, which are quite responsible themselves, especially Stan! 😉

The older I get, the more important quiet and contemplative time becomes.  I do love doing things and being involved in different activities, but my quiet time is sacred.

Life is filled with hustle, and competition of some sort.  We are here briefly, every day we live is a gift, and should be observed as such, with respect, dignity and so much gratitude. 

As poet WH Davies says “we need time to stand and stare... and see where the squirrels hide their nuts in the grass.”

Weekend blessings to all! 💛

Friday, September 18, 2020

Last night I watched the Netflix documentary series, “Challenger: The Final Flight. 

So much work out into that documentary series, I thought it was very well done, production wise, but it was so heartbreaking finding out the fact behind the launch failure. 

The documentary series offers an in-depth and behind the scenes look with NASA officials, the many flaws of the decision process that ultimately led to a launching failure and the loss of seven lives. The series includes countless interviews with engineers involved in the launching process, astronauts, their wives and families, the decision making process, training footage and the most  shocking thing of all to me was the fact that MANY NASA officials were conscious of the huge risk and possible failure of launching Challenger, and still with many people saying “we shouldn’t go ahead with this...” other people pressed to go ahead because of budget and timing issues and “meeting” certain standards with the those who were supporting this project financially.  How horrible and tragic and selfish and the list could go on.

Towards the end of the series, one of the astronaut’s wife says “the most difficult thing for me has been, forgiveness.”  The pain this families have to live with for the rest of their lives.

I remember being fascinated with space growing up.  Astronauts to me, like every other child (and many adults), have always been superior to most of us.  It takes not only intellectual abilities to launch into space, but also physical, and emotional stability.  Anyone agreeing to be rocketed into space, and remain calm while doing it, AND passionate and fearless, it’s a super hero in my book.

Today I’m saying a special prayer for the 14 lives lost on the Challenger and Columbia Shuttles.  One upon launching, the second one upon reentering the atmosphere.  Thankful for their bravery and spirit of knowledge and service. 

“I suppose the one quality in an astronaut more powerful than any other is curiosity.  They have to get someplace, nobody’s ever been.” John Glenn 

Thursday, September 17, 2020

It’s a good day when I can sleep in a little and sip my coffee on the porch a little longer. 🥰

I came home from work yesterday feeling a huge sense of gratitude.

Gratitude for feeling passionate about the work that I do, the people I get to work with and interact with on a day to day basis and all the people I’ve met on that journey.  Every one of my jobs has brought a different blessing and joy and some days, those blessings feel a little more real, yesterday was one of those days.

After a long work day and a meeting where I got to see some people I’ve learned to love over the years, I came home (after picking up an ice cream sundae on the way home 🙈) and have one of the best conversations with my oldest daughter.  I simply went in her bedroom to say hello and we started talking from the heart, both of us, but especially her which meant a lot to me.

This child of mine was born with an old soul.  From the moment she could articulate thoughts, I knew her mind was connected to her soul.  Talking to her amazes me in a way that I’ll never be able to fully express.

Her deep knowledge for what’s going on in the world, art, nature, politics and anything you talk to her about, makes me so proud to be her mom.  Her ongoing search for a deeper and more personal way of exploring her faith is also inspiring to me.

Being the mom of an adult child is definitely a different kind of experience.  It’s like learning to dance the tango all over again.  She learns from me, about me.  I learn from her, about her.

I’m grateful for simple moments like the one we had yesterday that make us feel more connected and appreciative for each other.  

I’m grateful for simple moments like the one I’m experiencing now, of sitting down on my porch bench and reflecting on the gifts of the ordinary, that make my life, extraordinary. 

I am just simply grateful... ❤️

Wednesday, September 16, 2020

First of all... Happy Independence Day, MEXICO!!! 🇲🇽❤️🥳

I am, Hispanic and PROUD!!!

There is so much I could elaborate on here today but no tengo tiempo today! 🤓

But the older I get, the prouder I become of my roots, my upbringing, the food I grew up with, the beautiful language, the soil that raised me, the glorious sun that crowned my head day after day in the most sunshiniest of Mexico’s cities, and most of all, the hospitality and friendship of my birth country.

Our roots give our feet wings, and endless opportunities to become who we were meant to be on this earthly journey of ours. 

Feliz Día de la Independencia de Mexico!!! Happy National Hispanic Heritage Month!!! ❤️❤️

Tuesday, September 15, 2020

My body feels like it’s 100 years old today from the side effects of my migraine medicine and my body enduring so much pain all day in the midst of a busy day.  It’s time to get moving for work, but my body is saying “not yet!” I think I’ll give it a little extra rest. 😊

Today marks the first day of National Hispanic Heritage month in the US! A month dedicated to recognize and celebrate the diversity and rich culture of the heritage of many (including myself) with backgrounds from Latin American counties.  The dates that coincide with national independence days in Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, Mexico and Chile.

When I think about my roots and upbringing and the rich culture in which I grew up, I can’t help it but to feel extremely grateful and honored.  

We have planned a few things at home to recognize the next 30 days of Hispanic Heritage celebration, many of which include delicious Mexican food! 😃

Sharing with my daughters about my experience growing up in such rich Hispanic culture is super important, but it’s even more important and meaningful, witnessing how much they embrace their roots and the richness of being part Hispanics.

I absolutely love the fact that I have been able to immerse myself in other Hispanic cultures here in the US, and learn about their own traditions.

I have great friends from Colombia, Puerto Rico and Ecuador and I have met a few people from Guatemala, El Salvador and Honduras through church.  All bring such diversity and richness in the way they speak, their approach to life, their food, mannerisms and perspectives in general.  What a gift! 

When I think of my Hispanic girl friends I’ve met throughout my years here, I immediately think of these things: strength, determination, courage, HUMOR, love, generosity!!! 

Happy National Hispanic Heritage Month!!! 🇲🇽🥳

Monday, September 14, 2020

It’s almost 10 pm and I’m just sitting down to write my daily thoughts.

Today was a challenging day for me.  I battled (yes, I call it battle because it feels like a war within my brain), with a horrific and debilitating migraine.  For the first time in a long time, a migraine got the best of me.

I took prescription medicine around the clock and when I couldn’t take more, I took over the counter medicine.

My body felt heavy, and tired and exhausted and depleted of everything.  A few times during the day, I thought “am I going to make it through with all the things and commitments I have?” 

I went home for lunch from work and between doing a few things I needed to do, I laid down for a few minutes here and there.  I had lunch because I had to take medicine again, and my mom has always said “don’t take medicine on an empty stomach, it’s not good for you.”  I’ve always made sure I have something to eat before or with my medicine, so the medicine is not too hard on my stomach.

I went back to work and I felt a cloud over my head. I really couldn’t concentrate and do all the things I had intended to do.  I did them anyways, but definitely not with the same energy and enthusiasm.

Bottom line is, migraines SUCK!!! Chronic pain... SUCKS!!! 

I’m thankful to be ending the day on a “happier” note.  Definitely not pain free, and with the long lasting effects of the medicine, but less pain. 

All in all, I’m thankful to have been able to endure the pain and be able to do the things I needed to do, in a way that was manageable.

In all things, give thanks. ❤️

Sunday, September 13, 2020

If you have elderly parents that live out of town, out of state, in a different country... you’ll understand this. 

A few days ago I received a voice message from my mother who lives a couple of thousand miles away from me.  She is visually impaired and our way of communication has been through voice messages for at least a decade now. 

The voice message which came randomly and unexpected said this: “hi, what I am about to tell you is serious and very important!” 

Wishing the SPLIT second that it took for her to take a breath and finish her sentence, I had imagined at least one member of our family who lives near her... dead.

That was it.  My first thought was my dad.  Then... other people.  The mind is unbelievably incredible, and sometimes not as kind as they say.  

What my mom was about to share was indeed important, and definitely very important to her worried mother heart about a few things we had been discussing recently over our long distance phone conversations.  

My mother had been thinking deeply and hard about all the things we had talked about, about the things I had shared about recent events and experiences, and she had had some kind of motherly premonition and epiphany based on our conversations. 

Funny thing is, her words in a very similar context by a completely different person (a stranger to my mom) whom I’m really fond of his/her spiritually and depths about life in general, shared the same views and perspectives on the same subject in the least expected ways for me.

Two observations on this.

1. Living so far away from my parents will always take me to a dark place first when I receive an unplanned phone call or serious message and I will never stop worrying about their well being and missing them daily with every fiber of my being.

2. Our spiritual connection here on earth with people whom we are somewhat synchronized with, is remarkable and if I were a scientist or spiritual guru of some sort, probably I could discern that a little more, for now, I continue to be in awe of the faith that grounds me when I feel shaken by life, and by the random intertwined minds and hearts that the universe connects to help and guide me through this earthly journey. 

My parents are ok, thank goodness.  So are my brothers.  I have recovered from that scare... but I continue to learn from that message and random series of lessons from two people guiding me in the same direction.  ❤️

Saturday, September 12, 2020

The weather has been cloudy and rainy and that means the barometric pressure has also been all over the place and this is no bueno for my migraines. 

I am obsessed almost with the weather forecast, and not exactly because I’m looking for sunny days, although those are always nice to have, but because a rapid change in temperature and rain and storms, is the “perfect” combination for my own brain storm.  

My head is the receiver of it all.

The weather forecast is promising sunny days ahead, and I’m really looking forward to that. ☀️💃

Speaking of other thing, more pleasant things. I’m sitting on my porch and reflecting on the importance of rituals. 

My daily rituals are almost crucial for a joyful existence.  Ok, that sounded dramatic, maybe not CRUCIAL, but very, very important. 

The moment my feet hit the floor at the wakening of a new day, my whole self starts craving the sounds and smells of the brewing of a freshly cup of coffee and then I can almost taste.  I love the whole process. 

• Picking the cup.

• Choosing the kind of coffee pod that I will use.

• Selecting the setting for the strength of my coffee.

• I LOVE watching it brew and the sound that makes... O.M.G. morning goals if you ask me!

• Picking up my cup after the coffee has been brewed and taking the first sip! 😍

• Putting on my shoes and opening the front door to sit on the porch. 

That my friends is morning happiness in the simplest of forms for me.

The promise of a new day where I get to do all that all over again is a blessing in itself. 

What is your morning ritual? 💛

Friday, September 11, 2020

Last night, I had the best sleep I’ve had in a long time!!! I slept 8 straight hours (I know, it sounds like it should be something attainable every single night, but it isn’t). 

I went to bed at 9 pm and by 9:30 pm I was asleep.  I am usually sluggish waking up in the mornings, but this morning by 6 am I was wide awake and ready to go, so I decided to hop in the shower and start the day.  Reward? More quiet time for me on the porch sipping my coffee before I start my work day. So worth it!!!

Yesterday was one of those days that felt GOOD!  Stan, the girls and I spent a lot of time talking and discussing things.  I wrote a lot, I cooked a lot, and I also made time to simply sit on the couch to watch a movie.  The noise of my girls roaming through the house giggling and talking nonstop makes me so happy, except when they carry that noise into the late hours of the night which happens a lot too! 🙄😂

Simplicity makes me the happiest.  Ordinary moments with my family and doing the things that feed my soul, nourish me in every way. I am thankful for te gift of appreciating every one of those moments. 

Today is a day that anyone born before 2002 will remember forever.  9/11. 

May we pray for those who lost their lives on this day, 19 years ago.  May we pray for those who survived the attack and continue to suffer the effects of this tragedy and for the victims families who have suffered immensely and have been forever scarred by this experience. ❤️

Thursday, September 10, 2020

I’m taking the day off today and it’s a full house.  Not the peace and quiet I usually like for my day’s off, but I’ll take it.  These moments won’t last forever.

Stan’s company is having some issues with the computer system and is staying home today.  Both my daughters are home as well.  Full house it is, even our dog Daisy seems overwhelmed at all the togetherness. 😂

We had an interesting and somewhat heated conversation at the breakfast table over the meaning of love, marriage, commitment, “best” age to marry, what love really means, divorce, relationship issues, and the list goes and on and on... oh boy! Topics definitely change when you have older children.  Adult children.  And it’s really fascinating to see their perspective on all those subjects, which can be quite different than the rest of us. 

I grew up with a mom that was always open about everything and anything.  We could ask any question and she’d answer it.  Sometimes we challenged her about subjects that I’m sure were hard for her to talk about.

I grew up with a dad that was very closed minded and reserved and shared very little if anything about life.  If we really tried to dig and investigate, he’d answer but would give simple answers.

My mom and dad are almost 12 years apart in age. Almost two worlds apart.  Stan and I also have quite a few years between both of us.  Also, two worlds apart, but both relationships so different and both nurtured differently growing up, but similar values, or same values I should say. 

I think a huge part of of who I am right now, is the result of my upbringing, my childhood and my genes of course.

I love it all.  The good, the hardship, the joyful moments and also the grief.

This morning at the kitchen table, we laughed, we talked, we argued, we shared our VERY different points of view about certain life subjects, I shed a few tears sharing some childhood stories, we shared, we shared, we shared... we showed up JUST as we are, each of us. ❤️

Wednesday, September 9, 2020

It might not be winter yet, but it’s definitely snuggle weather! ❤️

I’m sitting on the porch overlooking the big water fountain across from our home in the subdivision where we live, it’s a cool 57 degrees and I have have a blanket over my lap.  You know, for the comfort effect! 😉

This chilly and rainy weather has definitely slowed me down a lot. I haven’t felt like doing much lately and that is not me at all.  Zero energy and zero motivation, I’ve had to push myself to do things.  But this morning I decided today was not going to be the lethargic mood and day I was about to have again.

Straightening my hair has always made me feel like I can conquer the world. Ok, that’s a huge exaggeration, but it does make me feel a lot better about myself for some reason. My natural hair is super wave and tend to get a lot of control, especially on humid days like today, so taming it a little, immediately makes me feel a lot better about my day.  If everything were as easy as wavy hair and a straightener, right?  If you have lemons, make lemonade! 🍋

Today, I have DECIDED 😃 to make this day a more energetic and productive day and do it with a whole lot of enthusiasm!!! 

My first cup of coffee is almost empty, and I’m considering going for a second cup before I leave for work... decisions, decisions! 😉

Good hair, fresh coffee, cool summer morning breeze, blanket on my lap, projects on my mind, inspiration in my heart.  Let’s make it a great day! 💛

Tuesday, September 8, 2020

I love this quote: “If you are too tired to speak, sit next to me for I, too, am fluent in silence.” R. Arnold

The people closest to my heart, the people who truly understand the depths of my being, are comfortable sitting next to me and being together in silence.  I love silence fluency. 

I think the person who I am most comfortable being in silence with, is my husband.  Sometimes when I sit on the porch by myself, collecting thoughts, Stan would come out holding a cup of tea to keep me company but he knows when I’m sitting there searching for silence silence.  He approaches, sits next to me, or across from me and silently keeps me company.

Silence seems simple, but it’s so complex! Silence can be a challenging task to accomplish, actually, it shouldn’t be a task, it should be a practice that comes to us naturally, but many times we are uncomfortable with silence.

I sought silence this past weekend.  The world around us seems to be moving at a strange pace.  Life feels different.  I’m experiencing joy, pain, grief and the every day blessings of life differently.  I needed silence.  I needed to quiet my mind, I needed to divert my attention from perhaps paying too much attention to life outside of my house (social media), to stillness and solitude.  

We didn’t do anything “extraordinary” this Labor Day weekend, but we had some amazing down time and family  time, and for me in particular, I loved the moments of peace and quiet I searched for m, even with a house full of people. 

Seek silence, find peace. ❤️

Monday, September 7, 2020

This is how TIRED and desperate I felt last night about the current situation our world, our country is in right now.  I stayed up late, well after my entire family had gone to sleep, contemplating life and trying to figure out a way to make life better.

In my head, at 11:30 pm, this is what made sense. 

1. Moving to a new country.

2. Relocating to a little cottage in the middle of nowhere with a lake view.

3. Work? Optional. 

4. Unplugging from social media. EXCEPT my Mondays with Maria accounts, those make me happy because they don’t really allow contact with anything else.

5. Taking a two week road trip, destination: unknown. 

6. Rescuing a dog, or lizard or anything that breathes that we can nurture and give love and can rescues us in return. 

7. Go to bed, Maria! 

I even asked Siri when life will resume back to “normal”.  How foolish of me! I know, I was joking, but I think part of me was really hoping for an answer. Of course, Siri was just as confused as myself, and directed me to some accounts in the World Wide Web that gave me even more anxiety because they were all political related. SCREECH! 

Which of those 5 alternatives above (in no particular order) are doable?  None or mostly none at the moment and here it’s why: 1) I can’t. Not now. 2) I can’t. Not now. 3) A definite NO! 4) Not really. Unplugging from the main account would mean, I lose the one that brings me joy. Maybe I’ll find a way. 5) Working on it. 6) Ah... are you crazy?! 7) I did, eventually. 

For right now, I will enjoy my cup of coffee, I will definitely enjoy the solitude of my deck while half of my family is still asleep and I will continue to find ways to thrive with what I have and definitely with who I am. 

I can do hard things.  I’ve done them before. Many times over... this too shall pass. ❤️

Sunday, September 6, 2020

It’s 3 pm and I feel like the day should just be starting, or ending. 😉 I’m tired, but I also have a lot of things I want to do... like relax watching a couple of movies and maybe a walk.  The morning rain made it hard to wake up, I’ve never hit the snooze button as many times as I did today. 

I worked for a few hours this morning and as soon as I got home from work I started cooking: huevos rancheros from scratch. 

My daughters were in the kitchen chatting while I cooked, watching videos together and drinking their morning coffee.  Stan was watering plants.  I love it when the four of us are within the same space of the house, that’s music to my ears. 

When the four of us sat down to eat, we talked about what home cooked meals mean to us, and what they meant for us growing up.  It was actually pretty awesome listening to my daughters talk about how much they’ve always appreciated growing up in a home where home cooked and healthy meals were part of their lives.  They still are. 

Stan and I also shared about our family meals growing up and dinners as a family.  The best times and memories!!! 

Food will always be the center of who we are.  Food is not only nurturing for the body, but for us, it’s a bonding experience.  We truly are the happiest when we are gathered around the kitchen, dining or patio table sharing a home cooked meal.

Tonight, my oldest daughter is making enchiladas and I’m really looking forward to sitting at the kitchen table and letting other people do the cooking and specially, the cleaning! 😉

Do you have special childhood memories of sharing meals with your family? 

Saturday, September 5, 2020

Sometimes you have hard days and the universe blesses you healing conversations with awesome humans.

Last night when I got home from work, and the weight of the world felt even heavier on my shoulders just trying to comprehend the world around me, I was blessed with two random texts from two different people, just like that. 

One, was a text from my brother asking about my day.  The other, was a local friend sharing a spiritual experience she had had. 

My brother asked how I was doing, and you know when you feel that tug in your heart to be completely, 100% vulnerable? Well, that’s what I did last night. I opened my heart and my soul with no boundaries, no limitations, all honesty and sincerity.  I knew he would never judge me.  I knew he would never question me.  I knew he would listen and care and love me just as I am, just as I was last night.  Even all the broken parts of me, of my day.  Especially, all the broken parts.  He would understand.

My conversation with my friend was different but also very healing.  It took me on a private and personal spiritual “retreat” during our sharing of experiences with our faith.  We talked about all the prayerful experiences that have touched us in a special way and have healed our achy hearts from time to time.  We talked about the meaning of faith in our lives and how that has helped us journey through life a little lighter.  Always, a work in progress.  I know I am not alone... 

Just before I went to bed (still with a heavy heart), I reflected on those two conversations and how miraculously they felt.  Those were conversations I did not seek out, they came knocking on my door, and I answered that call. 

Just before I went to bed, my soul rested in the knowledge that I am not alone, that although life might be hard at times, I have a pretty awesome bunch of humans that get me and most importantly, my FAITH that sustains me through it all! ❤️

Friday, September 4, 2020

Today will be a day I will remember for a long time.  It was a day of many feelings, long work hours, and some heaviness of the heart. 

Today was one of those days when I could’ve used a hug from my mom and a conversation with her.  I’m blessed to still be able to call her and have a conversation with her, but she is SO far away, that our physical distance makes tough days a little more unbearable.

As they say “this too shall pass”. A good night sleep (hopefully) and the promise of a freshly brewed cup of coffee in the morning, are already putting a smile on my face. 

Also, I attended a beautiful prayer service tonight and my heart feels renewed.  I need more silence and contemplation in my life.  When everything seems to fail, I am always thankful for my faith that continues to lift me up. ❤️

Thursday, September 3, 2020

I had planned on taking a day off from work today since last week and then at the last minute yesterday, I contemplated not taking the day off and going into work anyways because I have an ocean of things to do, but luckily I talked myself out of it (of not going in that is).  There will always be things to do, projects to work on, emails to be sent and one more thing to cross off my to do list. 

I contemplated not going into work so much, that I even asked a few people “what do you think, should I go in today and not take my day off?!” Two of them said “take your day off!” One said “it’s up to you!” Then I found myself asking the question... “why are you asking people what YOU should do with something that affects ONLY you?!” Ay, Maria!!! I am very complicated person I guess, but the good news is, I am a work in progress! 😉

Yesterday, I stepped away from work for a couple of hours to spend time with my daughters and when I got back I found two little gift bags on my desk.  Well, one was on my desk, the other was on my office chair.  It wasn’t my birthday, it wasn’t even a special day, but two people (completely unrelated), went out of their way to make my day special. 

I opened the bags like a 5 year old child would open a birthday gift, and ripped the card open as if I had never received a greeting card before.

The card spoke LOVE, the simple gifts spoke, LOVE, CARE, KINDNESS, and they both meant so much to me.

I want to walk through the rest of my life on this glorious earthly journey of mine, fully aware of the people around me.  In awe and contemplation of the simple things in life that make our existence more meaningful.

I want to feel joy in the ordinary.  I hope to give back the love I receive and I want to listen to the inner me that speaks truth about what makes ME happy and complete.

Living in awareness everyday is my goal. ❤️

Wednesday, September 2, 2020

Most of you know by now that I work at a church.  A full time job at a parish office for almost 25 years that has taught me SO much over the years, but one thing I will always be amazed by is the generosity of our volunteers, to so willingly give of their time, treasure and talents.

I had a few conversations with parishioners yesterday at different times, different topics, I asked a couple of them to help us with some projects we have, and almost before I was done with my “can you help...” sentence, they had said YES!  Yes, to helping!  Yes, to being part of our community of faith!  Yes, to answering the call of their own discipleship.

That is what faith is all about my friends.  Community.  A community of people, individuals willing to help and contribute in every way they can without pretense or simply because they want to serve. 

Our church is blessed with an incredible, really incredible group of people that walk the talk.  Volunteers behind the scenes, serving in every way they can, blessing the ground they walk on as they live their earthly mission of love. ❤️

Their presence blesses me and humbles me. 

Tuesday, September 1, 2020

Why do we get so giddy about starting a new month? A new year? A new anything? I think because a new month,  a new year, a new anything brings change, and change brings opportunities, and opportunities bring hope.

Starting a new month is like pushing the reset button.  Or pushing play, after you’ve been on pause.  It’s, allowing ourselves to make changes, to dream and new dream and embrace our lives a little deeper. 

This morning I woke up with that thought in my mind.  I went to bed fully conscious of the fact that this morning, as soon as my feet hit the floor, I would be given another chance to do something GOOD and meaningful in my life, most importantly, for myself.  I am a shameless dreamer and flower child at heart and you know what, I absolutely LOVE that about myself! 

Life got a little too hectic the last couple of days for me, a little more hectic than usual, and I found myself stress eating, not exercising and then feeling a little awful at the end of the day, not only physically but emotionally.  I knew that the choices I was making for myself as far as food goes and lack of movement, were a reflection of my lack of motivation and time management and I was falling back to that unpleasant place way too familiar for me, and a place I definitely didn’t want to revisit.

Last night I went to bed DETERMINED not to hit the snooze button like I’ve done the past few days, but instead, get up the first time the alarm went off, put on my gym shoes and go for a long walk before hopping in the shower to get ready for work. 

Getting up earlier and making myself a healthy breakfast after my walk meant: less time in bed, little to no time to sit on the porch and take the morning in with my cup of coffee in hand, but it also meant, putting myself and my health first! 

I went to bed and even though I was determined, I wasn’t sure if my tired body from working super long hours would simply say “oh come on, just stay in bed, you need the rest.” 

Luckily for me, that wasn’t the case!  I woke up, did as I had planned.  Put on my gym shoes, my headphones and out the door I went.  I came home and fixed myself a delicious breakfast of eggs, tomato slices and avocado before getting in the shower and it all felt GOOD! 

For me, it’s a work in progress.  I have to constantly keep motivating myself to live a healthier lifestyle.  Work usually gets on the way because there are only so many hours in the day, but prioritizing my goals, and managing time have to get at the top of my list if I want to accomplish anything.

Starting a new month feels great and I’m ready for it!

A new month.  Change. Opportunities.  Hope.  Welcome, September! ❤️

Monday, August 31, 2020

On a morning like today, one year and two days ago to be exact, I went for a walk around my neighborhood right before work.  As I walked so many thoughts were coming to my head, they must’ve been all that important because I can’t remember what they were about, but if they were, the mind is kind and helps us forget certain things.

When I got home from the walk I wrote as I sipped my coffee like I almost always do.  As I was writing I thought “what if I start a daily journal and share some of my thoughts, daily events, and everything and anything on my blog while I sip my morning coffee?!” Call it an epiphany if you may 😉, but that’s how “Morning Coffee with Maria” was born and I have loved every single minute of it! Although, I do have to admit, some days sharing certain things was more challenging than others, some days I just simply couldn’t let my guard down to share freely, and others, I didn’t have much to say, but I did anyways and then wisdom and inspiration would show up in some kind of way, and I’d manage to share something somewhat worth sharing. 

A few times I thought “nah, I’ll stop now...” because like everything else that we do continuously, it was a commitment for sure!  But I didn’t, I was determined and I was having a good time doing it too and making a connection even through the World Wide Web!

During my morning coffee chats I have cried on my porch, I have laughed out loud, my inspiration has been “interrupted” several times by ahem... visitors, aka my family! 😃 But when that’s happened, I put my paper and pen down and let them join in my space, because nothing will ever replace the gift of their presence and time.

Yesterday, my daughters and I made the random decision to get in the car and go somewhere! Somewhere that required at least a half hour drive.  Somewhere by a lake.  Somewhere outdoors where we could sit outside and talk and laugh, be together and free our spirits.  We found that place!!!

A cute little restaurant with a lake view that played country music nonstop.  We requested a lake view table, and the wait was worth it! Our table couldn’t have had a better view and the lake was almost touchable.

The girls and I talked nonstop! We laughed so much too, and shared things about everything and anything.  We had some meaningful conversations in the car on our way there and back, and blasted our radio to Taylor Swift “Fearless” from her 2008 album release.  The best day! ❤️

I loved that this cup popped up when I was looking for a cup to drink my coffee because I always used to say this to my girls when they were little “I love you to the moon and back...” and I do.  Life has been a little less than kind in the past few months, and we’ve faced some tough challenges as individuals and as a family, but the best and biggest blessings life has gifted us with us the gift of each other.  The gift of our family, knowing that no matter what, one of us, or all of us, will show up to lift the “fallen” down, and support that person, and shower them with love and words of affirmation. 

Yesterday was a great day.  Yesterday was a day I hope to remember forever. 💛💛

Sunday, August 30, 2020

Do you wake up with epiphanies in your heart sometimes? Or not so much epiphanies per say, but thoughts that touch your heart and transform your soul?

This morning I thought a lot about the people we choose to surround ourselves with and the impact those decisions make in our lives.

I’m not just talking about close friends, but friends, acquaintances and people in general.  The people that we allow to enter our space, and in one way or another, change or affect our perspective in life, OF life. 

For me personally the people I allow to surround myself with makes a HUGE difference and impact, not only on my mood, but my perspective in general! 

When I am with people that I feel supported by and understood, or simply welcomed, I thrive!!!  When I have to force myself to be liked, to be understood, or even explain the why’s or how’s of my life, the way I think and experience life, and I feel by even one percentage judged (even if it’s just my perception) it drains me.

The older I get, the wiser I become and the more assertive I feel and it’s a great feeling!!! Confidence in welcoming fully who we were born to be, it’s AWESOME!

Choosing the right people for US, can be critical in the way we relate with the world around us. Be kind to yourself first. ❤️

“I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou 

Saturday, August 29, 2020

It’s 7:05 am and I’m still in my pajamas enjoying the calmness of a Saturday morning thinking “hurry up, Maria, you should be getting in the shower and getting ready for work.”

My husband and I had just a conversation in bed this morning about people who hustle all the time (how romantic of us!) and how, we’ve become hustle masters over the years.  I think I’m proud of that, but it’s also equally exhausting. 

Some days, I do wish I could take a little more time on a regular basis to pause and smell the roses, but I think I’m learning to find the balance lately between working, self care and leisure.

I have made myself take time off from work once a week for the past few weeks and it has made a huge difference in the way I feel and react to the world around me.  

Two nights ago I found myself laying in bed wide awake until 2 am or so, and depleted from all physical energy during the day yesterday because of it.  Last night, I had a great night’s sleep and even though I do wish I could simply stay home and relax today, and do whatever my body and mind feel like doing, I am thankful for my part time job, the people I work with especially, and the gift of having an able body and mind that allows me to do the work, to have the energy for it and most importantly to thrive while doing it.

Cheers to the start of a weekend with all the happy thoughts! ❤️

Friday, August 28, 2020

Has it ever happened to you that one little distraction once you’ve fallen asleep can keep you awake for hours after that?! 🙋🏼‍♀️

I am super sensitive to noise (thank you migraines), and my brain is trained to react to sudden noise not in a good way.  Our dog Daisy sleeps in my bedroom, on my side of the bed.  She has a bed on the floor right next to the window. 

Well, last night missy has hanging out with the girls before bed, and I assumed (assuming is always a bad idea), that she’d be sleeping in one of my daughters’ bedrooms.  WRONG!

After I had fallen asleep, I heard a big and sudden boom! It was my youngest daughter abruptly opening our bedroom door, which by the way is kind of hard to open at times, something to do with humidity and the wood and that kind of stuff.  Anyways, at 11:15 pm or so to be more exact, I was awaken by the sudden “return of the dog”, to our bedroom.  Dog claws parading through my side of the bed, paw nails clicking against the hard wood floor, and the door shutting down, was all a recipe for sleep disaster for me. 

Well, since I was up already; I decided to go to the bathroom and then it was like the morning fairy had come to pay a visit and I was WIDE awake!!!

I ended up talking to my cousin on the phone, in my kitchen until well into the next day.  2 am to be exact is the time I decided I needed to try to go back to bad and see if I could fall asleep. 

Thankfully, I was able to fall asleep, but not without worrying after looking at my watch and realizing that I only had a few hours of sleep before my alarm would go off at 6:15 am to get ready for work.  O.M.G. 

Needless to say, here I am, showered, feeling like I have a hangover without any fun drinks, and sipping my very caffeinated coffee in hopes that I can gather up as much energy and strength for a VERY full day at the office. 

On today’s episode of “Morning Coffee with Maria”, I would name this one “Ay, ay, ay!!!” ☕️😴

Thursday, August 27, 2020

I have the day off from work today (hallelujah!), which means, I get to play around a little and take my time enjoying the simple things I love to do like cooking and going on walks and maybe watching Netflix if I have some time left. 

This morning I woke up around 7:15 am (MIRACLE! My alarm clock always goes off at 6:15 am for work), to go to the bathroom and I was faced with a dilema “go back to bed and relax, or out on your gym shoes and go for a walk!” I knew that if I went back to bed my morning would’ve looked a lot different and considering that it’s supposed to be super hot today, a walk later in the day was almost out of the question.

I put on my gym shoes, chapstick, my hair up in a ponytail, sunglasses and headed out the door.  It was a cool low to mid 70’s when I left the house and by the time I came home, it was in the roaring low 80’s already but it felt like 90 degrees! 

I walked for over an hour, and the more I walked the hotter it got, by the time I got home I was pretty much drenched in sweat, but it felt GREAT! 

Exercise is something that has never come easy for me.  Eating yes 😁, exercise no, that’s the truth.  I have to really push myself to do any type of physical activity that is not considered fun recreational stuff, but for the past six weeks I have tried every single day to make physical movement that tires me, part of my routine.  In fact, the few days here and there that I haven’t been able to go on a long walk due to long work hours, I feel like I’m missing something.

I have come to realize that in some way I have always “depended” on food and sedentary lifestyle habits (although I’ve always had a full time job and a part time job on the side here and there), but  the sedentary habits I’m talking about are simply about not being interested in working out, or moving my body purposefully for the mere reason of sweating and feeling the muscles in my body, but I’m hoping to change that.  I know it will take time, but I’m here to do the work! 

I have sweet potatoes in the oven and a bunch of veggies chopped for a veggie egg hash for breakfast.  A second cup of coffee is brewing and my heart is smiling!!!

Enjoy today! ❤️

Wednesday, August 26, 2020

This morning I woke up with the threat of a migraine.  Yes, I call it a threat because migraines usually take over my day and regardless of the level of pain (unless is hospital worthy), I have to push myself to go to work and do the everyday chores and life.

The weather, unexpected and unsolicited stress lately, and life in general, gifted me with the start of a migraine this morning.  Also, I don’t know if it would affect me that quickly, but the last couple of days I’ve been eating foods that are not necessarily good for me. 

This morning when I woke up with the signs of a roaring migraine coming my way, I got out of bed, brushed my teeth, put on my walking clothes and shoes and went out for a long walk.  The weather was still pretty decent, in the mid 70’s when I left and I knew it wouldn’t affect my migraine. 

I walked for over an hour, I listened to some music on my earbuds, took in the scent of the early day and let all that be the healing that I needed.  

I walked and walked and walked.  I prayed some. I listened to music. And the sweat and discomfort in my body felt like renewal.  I also thought a lot about what food does to my body. Not only physically, but mentally, spiritually. 

Being the huge foodie that I’ve always been, has not always worked in my favor, and lately, I’ve noticed that food affects me more now that it ever has before.  I have decided to stick to my Whole30 plan consistently for as long as I can.  I will however, give myself the permission to practice food freedom but being conscious about what the foods I’m putting in my body are. 

Chronic pain is something I wouldn’t wish on ANYONE.  It’s debilitating not only to the body, but the mind as well.

If I can control something, I’ll do whatever there is in my power to do it.  

I love it when life teaches us powerful lessons in the ordinary ins and outs of our lives. 

Enjoy today! ❤️

Tuesday, August 25, 2020

Today was another busy day for me but I got a lot done at the office and that felt great.  It always does. 

I had take out for lunch today (first big take out meal since I finished Whole30) and I felt kind of sick afterwards, I did not like that feeling at all!  My body definitely feels different when I don’t eat the foods that are good for me.  I have decided to stick to my Whole30 program as much as I can, and as continuously as I can.  The work behind meal prep is WORTH it!

After work I came home feeling a little icky from the food I ate earlier, but I decided to put on my shorts and walking shoes regardless and go out for a long walk by myself.  It helped a lot! At least, I felt like I was doing something for my physical well being, and it helped my mind as well. 

Tomorrow I’m off, and I feel very thankful for the opportunity to rest and cook the things I love to eat.

It’s 10:05 pm... time to go to sleep. Good night! 💛

Monday, August 24, 2020

Today feels weird.  Really weird.  Other than being one of the longest days in the history of long days, I’m feeling a little sad about the way my daughter’s first day of her Freshman year of College went.

A very unconventional way, and something that shouldn’t have happened. But... this is one of the few times I allow myself to say “it is what it is”, really, NOTHING we can do about it.

The weirdness of covid, remote learning and social distancing in general that made the firsts of important milestones not only for my daughter but for my friends’ children, doesn’t seem right, doesn’t seem fair, in a few words, it sucks! There, I said it.

I wasn’t even home to see my daughter “turn on” her laptop, because I was at work all day, but not that it had mattered, she herself, wasn’t all that enthuse about it. 

We will make the best of this situation, I promise you, Bella.  In the meantime, keep shining, keep being you, and I will continue to try my best to look for the positive in every situation.

Today, that took a little more work.  And it’s ok. 

Good night! ❤️

Sunday, August 23, 2020

“Self-care is never a selfish act - it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch.” Parker Palmer

I think this is my favorite quote, if not, in the top three for sure.

I was thinking today about the many different things I do through the day.  Quite a lot to be honest.  Between my job responsibilities and the many other things I’d like to do to stay healthy and honor my hobbies, the things that make me smile, I am busy 90% (if not more) of the time I spend awake.  

On that note, I also dedicate a good amount of time to self care when I have the opportunity.  I’d like to say that I’m pretty good about doing nothing on days off, or when I choose to take a step back because I need to recharge or simply, BE.  The fact that my children are both adults now, gives me that privilege. 

When the girls were little and I so desperately needed time for myself, I came up with the idea of Stan having “daddy/daughter” quality time (clever, right? 😉) and taking our daughters out on local adventures around town for the day.  They spent quality time together, and I stayed at home by myself, doing whatever I wanted.  I remember the first time we did that, I ordered a pizza, rented a movie and sat on the couch in the silence of an empty house, enjoying that moment.  I even took a nap. 

I loved it so much, that we took turns doing that once in a while.  It wasn’t like every week or every month even, but we did it a few times.  One time it was my turn, and the next, Stan’s.  

The girls loved spending that one on one time with us, and we enjoyed our moments alone at home.  I think Stan spent most of those alone times tending to his plants.m

Self care is SO crucial in our lives. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t offer the best of ourselves to those we love. ❤️

Saturday, August 22, 2020

I was thinking last night about assumptions.  How many times have we assumed something in the past about a situation or a person?!  Something we have accepted as truth without proof. 

We assume behaviors and actions way before we can give people the chance to reveal themselves as they are.

Two people close to my heart stopped talking to each other because one person assumed something about the other.  A complete misunderstanding that separated and distanced two people that really truly loved and cared for each other, just because one thought something was done with malice, and the other hurt by those thoughts, didn’t want to waste time or energy proving the opposite.  How sad.

How many times have we stopped ourselves from calling or seeing someone because we “assume” they might not be interested in what we have to say, or spending time with us.

My mother who is legally blind now, started loosing her sight approximately 15 years ago, it was a slow process, but within a few years of her diagnosis, her vision decreased significantly.  In conversation the other day she was sharing some of the hurts of her vision loss journey, and her new reality of suddenly becoming legally blind.  She shared about some assumptions people that didn’t know about her vision problems have made, and how they’ve hurt her. 

She told me that not too long after she really started struggling with her sight, she was at a department store with my brother looking for something.  An acquaintance/friend of hers, someone she’s known for a long time that did not know about her disability, happened to be at the department store at the same time.  My mom was looking at her direction without being able to identify anything or anyone (she could only see shadows when looking straight).  The friend saw my mom, waved hello and of course my mom did not react because she could not physically see her.  The friend instead of walking up to her and saying “hi there, how are you?”, she quickly walked away and didn’t speak to my mom again for a long time.  She simply assumed my mom was being rude.

My mom called her months later about something and her friend told her she never understood why my mom had reacted the way she did at the department store.  My mom apologized and said “I’m so sorry, I didn’t even know you were there, I didn’t see you, I’m legally blind.” Her friend of course, felt terrible, and right away offered an apology for “assuming” that she was just being rude.  She said “I never knew you to be that way and I was surprised that you wouldn’t say hello.” 

Misunderstandings.  Assumptions. 

How quickly can we loose sight of what’s really happening around us, loose friendships, built barriers, simply by trying to get in people’s heads and accepting something as truth, without proof. 

May we always think first the GOOD in people, without resourcing to assumptions.

We are all allowed a bad day. ❤️

Friday, August 21, 2020

IT’S FRIDAY!!! 🎉

Yesterday was one of those days that will leave me smiling for a really long time.  

I had the day off from work and I spent it at home doing things I love. Nothing overly exciting, but things that make me happy like writing and cooking and going on walks and talking to my girls. 

It’s a rare day when I get to have the entire day to simply do nothing or do just the things I like to do, and yesterday was one of those days.

I sat on the porch with my cup of coffee a lot longer than usual, I actually made myself a second cup of coffee and savored it just as much. Stan has been working from home this week and he came out to sit by me for a few minutes also, which was nice.

My blog has definitely been neglected lately because I simply haven’t had the time to write or put anything together, but it’s something that I absolutely LOVE doing and I was very thankful that I had that opportunity yesterday.  I need to get into some type of routine with that.  Do what you love. 

I cooked a lot yesterday too.  Homemade everything takes time and even though I do it every day, having the extra time and not feeling rushed when I cook feels sooo good! 

I had some very awesome conversations with both of my girls yesterday that left my heart smiling and a long walk with my oldest daughter talking about all kinds of different things.  Being the mother of an adult feels different and it’s certainly an adjustment, but I love it.  Life comes in seasons no question about it, and I want to savor them and appreciate them all not taking anything away from them. 

Also, I’m so craving a little getaway for myself, and I’m not sure what I’ll end doing with that... stay tuned! 😉

Thursday, August 20, 2020

It’s my day off and I am SO excited!!! I am currently sitting on the porch, sipping my coffee and not worrying about one little thing (truth!).

I am savoring the magic in the gift that this day off is.  I definitely work a lot and I love it and I could really spend every hour of the day, every day doing my job, but I have learned that I need to make sure I also take time for myself, to just sit, enjoy the outdoors maybe, a silent moment on the deck, a cup of coffee in the morning that is not so rushed... ahhh, it feels glorious and now, I appreciate those moments even more because they don’t come around as often. I’m grateful for that.  Grateful for a job I love.  Grateful for the work.  Grateful for the opportunity of employment, and very grateful for the moments of rest and leisure that make me appreciate all those blessings even more. 

I was talking to my oldest daughter this morning about a friend of mine who I don’t speak with often, but that when we connect we enjoy our conversations so much because we have a lot in common.  Not in the way we have experienced life and the opportunities we’ve had, but in the way we look at life.  Connecting with people who are GOOD for us, is a great feeling, and you feel it immediately. 

People that raise you up.  People that make you feel joyful, accepted, appreciated and dignified.  People that see your human worth and what the gifts you bring to this world.  

It’s important I think, that when we feel those feelings, and someone makes us feel SO great without even trying, simply because they see the world with the same light as we do and they are as quirky as we are, that we share with them how much we appreciate them.  Chances are that since they see the world with our own eyes, they’d love our  “weirdness” and appreciation for them. 

Be quirky. Be weird. Be YOU! ❤️

Wednesday, August 19, 2020

This covid lockdown/togetherness has me like 😳 and in an attempt of shaking off feelings of uncertainty in these super unprecedented times, I thought I’d revisit one of my favorite childhood memories this morning. 

It’s not an specific memory, but a recollection of memories of growing up with a revolutionary grandma that was ahead of her time, and LOVED throwing and organizing a good party. 

Summer time meant family time and picnics for my grandma. 

I remember growing up, my grandma would always organize family gatherings.  My mom is one of six children and those siblings (including my mom) gifted my grandma with a total of 21 grandchildren! 

My grandma’s favorite activity in the summer was to gather EVERYONE, literally, and go up to a family resort type of place about an hour away from my hometown that had swimming pools, horse drawn carriage rides, volleyball nets, PLENTY of picnic areas, and many, many fruit trees that surrounded the whole area. 

I remember going there and being very happy. 

Adults and children would take turns riding the carriage, kids ran back and forth to the swimming pools, SO carefree back in those days, sun shinning brighter than anything else, barefoot, hair wet from being in the pool, tanned skin, and probably watermelon residues on my face. 

The picnic tables were always filled with all kinds of food.  My mom and aunts would bring bread, lunch meats, sandwich fixings, plenty of chips, and fruit and drinks and once in a while some type of meat would be grilled in the nearby grill. 

I remember riding horses there too and getting in line to get a horse. I LOVED riding horses, it was one of my favorite activities growing up and I was fearless! 

The happy skinny little girl with messy hair from the pool and sun and dust of being outdoors for hours, running excitedly from point A to point B, yelling at my cousins “COME HERE, let’s go!” will always be a huge part of who I am right now, and I have my grandma to thank for. ❤️

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Let me tell you about the person I am NOT:  A morning person!!! 😭

I could try all I want and pretend that I am.  I could try to “train” myself to be a morning person, but truth of it is, you are either born a morning person, or you are not, and I am proudly, a night person!!! 😍😂

I mean, the heart eyes because I’m justifying the fact that I could never be a morning person even if I tried, and I have to come to terms with the “time of the day” person I am I guess, and be happy about it?! Ha! 

Stan, my husband, is a morning person 100%!!! He actually gets EXCITED to go to sleep so he can get up early and tackled the day! 

The other night as he was going upstairs to go to bed he said all happy “I can’t wait to go to sleep, I have so much to do in the morning!” And he laughed at his own sillines! 

I could try to be a morning person and go to sleep at 8 pm every night and still wake up and not feel like I can just jump out of bed and and have the same energy I have at 10 am after I’ve taken my time getting ready, after I’ve had a cup of coffee and have come to terms with the fact that I can start functioning again. 

Working full time and having to get up early every single day of the day out of necessity, is way different than being a morning person. I guess you can be a “self made” morning person, or a “natural” person, you guessed which one I am by now! 😉

Last night I had a very hard time falling asleep for the first time in a long time, a million things going through my mind and I’m feeling a bit draggy today. Not even like “I had my coffee and I’m ready to move on...” kind of morning person. 

Let’s see what wonders my first cup of coffee can perform today! ☕️

Have a great day! ☀️

Monday, August 17, 2020

What would the world be without Faith, Hope and Love? What would MY life be without Faith, Hope and Love? It’s a place I don’t even visit because thankfully, I’ve always had that in my life and the elements of those three short but meaningful worlds have carried me through the years.

Growing up I didn’t really visualize or understand faith and hope in the way that I do now. Love has always been part of my life in one way or another, especially the love I received growing up from my mother, number one, my grandmother and immediate family.  

Faith and Hope were kind of a given for me I guess.  I grew up in a very religious household.  We went to Sunday Mass every weekend, my mother would read to us scripture around Lent time and share stories of faith. My grandmother who was also a devout Catholic, lived her faith in action, ALWAYS helping others in need, I don’t actually remember a day my grandmother wasn’t helping someone. 

Growing up I didn’t have to question faith and hope.  I didn’t really need to go searching for the meaning of it.  It was planted in my heart from a very young age and when I was in a “dark valley” of fear, lost, or simply shaken but whatever unpleasant situations life would throw at me, I automatically resourced to those three things: Faith, Hope and Love.  

They have been my shield and my rock to help me through, to lift me up and to guide me back to the place of light that gives me life and renews me every time. 

Faith. Hope. Love. ❤️

Sunday, August 16, 2020

Today is day 30 of my third round of Whole30 and I cannot even tell you how amazing it feels! I feels like waking up on Christmas morning when you are a kid, expect it’s August, there is no Christmas tree and I’m an adult! 😂. 

But you get the idea! 😉

This round of Whole30 was my HARDEST to start and the MOST rewarding no question about it of the three rounds I’ve done so far. 

I worked hard on tying the food planning, the meals and the exercise together and tried to really understand the reason why I was doing it and the benefits of it all. 

My main goal was #1 chronic pain management, but I gained so much more by doing Whole30!

I will always do what I can, especially when it comes to natural remedies, to alleviate the chronic pain I have suffered from for over two decades. 

Food HEALS no question about it! I’m not saying it solves everything, but eating clean and wholesome foods helps a great deal, and speaking for myself; food is a huge reliever or contributor to my pain.

Now the challenge will be staying on track, even after I start incorporating grains, legumes, dairy and other things occasionally. 

Day 30 of Round 3 of Whole30... here I come!!! 🥑🌶🥦

Saturday, August 15, 2020

I have a confession to make. I was was kind of really angry last night. Like angry to the point I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn’t flow because really... there wasn’t a legitimate reason to cry.  I don’t really yell angry, I just get quiet, really quiet, which could be worst, for a talkative like myself. 😁 

I left work late wrapping things up for the weekend (reopening procedures are time consuming, but, SO thankful we can offer all the services we can to our parishioners at church, many other parishes and churches in the area aren’t yet, for that I am thankful!)... anyways, I called the house on my way home to see if by any chance there was an actual meal to eat and by a meal to eat I meant “have you cooked???” 

Well, they had eaten alright, had they cooked for me or left any food for me to eat? Negative! Ok, I can’t really blame them 100%, although I could 😉 but I’m being nice and forgiving 😂 - see I got distracted again, Maria, focus! 

Anyways, I was saying, I can’t really blame them because I am following a strict meal plan right now with Whole30 where I can eat a lot of things, but I also have to be very vigilant with what ingredients I use for my meals, but they’ve seen me eat like that for DAYS and I’ve cooked their meals and they’ve eaten my meals every time I cook, so... in my mind no excuse. 

Stan was tired from a draining week of work too.  Michelle made herself a vegetarian dinner which I couldn’t eat. Bella is out of town. Daisy... well, she just looked at me like “Wish I could help!” 🐶

Food has always and will always be a big motivation for me and fuel for my body, heart and soul, literally. 

I was so hungry and it was so late that I really couldn’t think and Stan who usually stops at the grocery store on his way home on Fridays to pick up a few things before his Saturday morning big grocery haul, hadn’t stopped because he was tired himself. Totally understandable.  But that meant, I had to stop at the grocery store myself on my way home to pick up a few things I could make for myself and still be Whole30 complaint. I am only 2 days away from completing the program and a late night work shift and no food in the house situation wasn’t going to throw all my effort out the window, no way!

I stopped at one of my favorite local grocery stores on my way home and picked up a super delicious piece of salmon, some butternut squash and spinach and that was dinner! Simple and delicious!  The only seasonings were garlic powder, salt, pepper and lemon juice for the salmon and the butternut squash just had salt and pepper. 

I walked in from work and I really couldn’t even look at my family in the eye. They had been home WAY before me, had rested and eaten, and I still didn’t have a meal. I was like “we are not equal right now!” 😁

Was that their fault? Well, no not at all, but a meal waiting for me would’ve been nice. 

Once I started eating, I started metamorphosing into my nicer self, and I knew I couldn’t stay angry at them for that reason.

I ate half my meal at the counter, basically scarfing down my food, Stan finally said “come on, sit at the table...” and pulled out a chair for me and a placemat and he sat next to me and by then I was half way through my food and we started chatting.  Michelle walked in a few minutes later holding Daisy, our dog, and joined in the conversation and we actually ended up having a nice time together. 

Lessons I learned.  Although not even life event has to be a lesson, but this little episode of mine taught me one.

I need to plan my meals ahead even more cautiously to make sure I have what I need when I need them. I need to keep healthy snacks at my desk to stop me from going from I’m not hungry to, I can’t function hungry and then it’s not good for me or my migraines. And I need to learn to also ask for help and call my family ahead of time and say “can you guys please...” I know they would do it.  They are also not mind readers, they don’t know what I’ve do because what I haven’t eaten, maybe I ordered take out like in previous months, years.  

Following a strict meal plan is not a walk in the park all the time, especially when you work a lot, but especially because of that, I’m even prouder of myself for being where I’m at with it right now.

Two more days and Whole30 round 3, will be completed!!! 🎉

PS: I still love my family! 😉❤️

Friday, August 15, 2020

Nothing motivates me more than the hope of a freshly brewed cup of coffee... ahhh, the aroma, the taste, that feeling of holding it for the first time after it’s been poured, MAGIC! 🥰

Ok, ok, not here to talk about coffee, but I couldn’t help the thought as I’m sipping my first cup of coffee right now. I’m sure I’ll have at least one more at the office. 

Yesterday I had a day off from work and it was one of those days where I didn’t accomplish much, but a lot at the same time if it’s makes sense. 

I took my time enjoying the sounds and peace of the morning (I LOVE that!), made myself some breakfast, journaled a little, and then my oldest daughter and I took our dog Daisy for a really long walk at the forest preserve.  We talked about ordinary stuff, nothing overly significant, but mainly we enjoyed being together and enjoying the outdoors, the best of times in my book. 

After the walk we came home and once we had cleaned up from being out for so long, we started making dinner. Funny thing is for a moment we considered (well, me actually), doing take out somewhere where I could keep my meal Whole30 and as wholesome as possible and where she could keep her meal vegetarian.  Her options were a lot bigger, mine, not so much, and I did not want a bowl from Chipotle again, the last chicken I had there was definitely something I don’t want to repeat in a while. 

It came down to a home cooked meal again, which, yes I was trying to avoid because I cook all the time around the clock and I was tired, but making the decision to come home and cook instead of doing take out somewhere ended up being the best option. 

I made shrimp, baked sweet potatoes, steamed beets and paired all that with avocado slices, delicious!!! 

Michelle made herself vegetarian tacos with the sweet potato chucks I baked, black beans, a sautéed red pepper and onion type of salad and guacamole.  They look so good!

The dish washing situation afterwards was intense with so much cooking, but I was happy from the day, happy from the meal I had just enjoyed on the deck with Stan and happy that I had Spotify to keep me company while I did kitchen duty.  Stan was tending to his garden and Michelle was working in the basement for a project. 

Good food, family and simplicity is pretty much all it takes on a regular day to make this gal HAPPY. 💛

Thursday, August 13, 2020

They say “work hard, play hard!” And you know what, I do both well.  I definitely work very hard, every single day, but I wouldn’t have it any other way, I love what I do, I love the people I get to serve and the feeling of being productive. 

On the other hand, I also absolutely love my days off! It’s an opportunity to sit back, embrace life around me and appreciate the little things, like watching a butterfly sitting on my flowers this morning, drinking my first cup of coffee of the day on the deck, journaling and working on my blog which I have neglected for a while and I also love doing, and going for walks. 

It doesn’t take much to make me happy.  I find happiness in the little things, usually what might seem like the most insignificant things.  

I just took a quick look at the clock and realized it’s almost 1 pm, where has the day gone?! 

I really should be doing some stuff around the house, but maybe I’ll get to that later, for now, I think I’ll just sit on my porch a little longer and feel the love and blessings that surround me. ❤️

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

Today was a long day,  but a great day with many things accomplished at work. 

I’m sitting in the solitude of my kitchen, my daughters are out and Stan is getting ready for bed.  Daisy (our bichon) sits besides me.  I’m finding peace and quiet at the end of a very busy day with a soothing cup of tea. 

The tea bag has a quote by American poet, Emily Dickinson which I loved, and because I absolutely, positively LOVE a good quote that inspires me, I looked for more quotes by this particular author. 

First one that caught my attention was this one, and oh yes, I love it! 

“Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.” ED

How amazing is that? I think it’s so true when it comes to opportunity and loving our best life EVERY SINGLE DAY. 

We don’t know about a new dawn, our time, our space on this earth.  Life is certainly a mystery, I’ve learned more about it the older I get, so, while we have THIS dawn, and this day, we must open every door, and try, and make mistakes, and love and try our best to live in the happiest and most fulfilling way possible. 

May we continue to open doors. May we always look for opportunities. And may we always have the hope of a new dawn. ❤️

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

I was going through my phone photos last night in an attempt to delete a few thousand pictures and videos I don’t need (I manage all the social media platforms at work and use my personal phone for it and it gets so crowded with content sometimes), anyways, and I came across a picture of myself wearing a two piece swimsuit I wore for an excursion in Grand Turks on our cruise last Summer.  

First let me tell you how many amazing memories that picture brought back, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about right now. But rather, about body image. That tricky subject of conversation we are so intimidated to explore most of the time, and I think most of us have had a certain level of body image issues at one point or another in our lives, I certainly have. 

I remember wearing that specific two piece swimsuit in Grand Turks and not thinking twice about it! As a matter of fact, I LOVED wearing it and showing a little extra skin on the cruise, but it wasn’t even about showing more skin, it was about being in the ocean, the sun, feeling more comfortable with movement as I tried the different activities, loving the style of the swimsuit, and most importantly feeling OVERLY confident wearing, with a not so perfect “bikini” body. 

I wore it at the beach on our excursions, and I also wore it on the cruise ship at the pool, surrounded with a bunch of strangers who also felt extremely confident about their swim wear.  Most of us didn’t know each other, nobody cared, we were all there simply to have fun!!!

I also remember coming back home and taking a trip with my family to a local “beach” (more like lake water 😉).  A beautiful human made little beach for families to spend time together, with canoeing, paddle boating and so much more, a fun place! 

While I was looking for a swimsuit to put under my sun dress, I took a quick look at my swimsuits and when my favorite cruise two piece swimsuit was looking right at me from the drawer, the first thing I thought was “NO WAY I’d wear that in public here! What if I walk into people I know, I have cellulite, and my belly is for sure not even close to being flat...” I have to admit that I felt embarrassed about feeling those feelings, I was putting myself down just after a few short weeks of feeling completely free and careless about who I was.  I for a moment felt embarrassed I guess, about my beautiful body that has carried so much throughout the years.  

Sadly, the two piece swimsuit stayed in the drawer and I went for the one piece swimsuit, which I still loved, but made me less self conscious about my body. 

I guess the point here is not body image, but more about judgement and what others (I don’t even know who those “others” are to tell you the truth), think about us, and my own personal judgment about myself. 

Loving and embracing our bodies as they are, is no doubt in my mind, one of the greatest accomplishments and love note to ourselves. 

Dead body,

Thank you for carrying me through life.  Thank you for making me feel and experience life in all it’s forms, I respect you and honor you. You have always been good enough. 

Love, Me

Monday, August 10, 2020

I often think about the 24 hours in a day and how those 24 hours look so different for each of us. 

It’s absurd to expect everyone around us to be the most positive, optimistic people when it’s in our nature to be that way.  And it’s also unfair to expect everyone to feel the level of pain we are feeling and to understand our hurts when people don’t know what we are going through.  In both situations I think of kindness and compassion.

If we walk through life with those two words really resonating in our lives and our hearts, we can really make a difference.

When we are interacting with someone, we never know the level of hurt and pain they are carrying, how heavy their feet feel as they go through their day, and how our words and actions might affect them.

I am an optimistic, happy person by nature.  I have my bad days believe me, and I’ve cried a few tears in life, but it’s my nature to always look at the bright side of things, to always focus on the positive even in hards times, because it helps me get through things, but I’ve learned through the years, and by being a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, that their 24 hours don’t have to look like mine and viceversa, and it’s not about “fixing” anything or anyone, but simply about understanding that everyone goes through life differently, everyone experiences different things in life, and sometimes it’s about science and genes, but we simply can never compare our day to anyone else’s, we are all unique individuals. 

Kindness and compassion... essential words and actions that take little to no effort if we have our heart in the right place, and that also cost nothing. 

We must support each other and be nonjudgmental, and always try our best to be people that love and truly care for those around us. ❤️

Sunday, August 9, 2020

Today is one of those days that I wish I could stay in bed all day! Well; maybe not ALL day, but a good portion of it. 😉

Yesterday I was sitting on the deck after dinner and I felt a little of anxiety coming on which happened in the most sudden and unexpected way.  I was confused for a split second because I was relaxed, but I know my mind was going a million miles an hour thinking and worrying about different things.

That doesn’t really happened to me and I didn’t like what I was feeling at all. After that, my body felt drained and I could hardly move.  I ended up asking Stan if he wanted to go for a walk just to get some fresh air (I didn’t share with anyone about what I was feeling, didn’t want to put that burden on anyone. Why are we that way?!). 

With all the effort, I put on my gym shoes and off we went.  It was a shorter walk than usual but it’s all I think I could take at the moment and Stan was tired from a long day of housework too.

Life can be so tricky sometimes, and when we think that we have things under control, then we suddenly don’t, no one does. 

That isolated experience made me even more aware of what other people, even loved ones, might be feeling under the pressure of a constant changing world, a time of insecurity in so many aspects, moments of doubt and isolation due to the virus, and the unprecedented times we are living right now.  The unknown can be quite intimidating on most days. 

Yesterday, although not exactly what I had wanted for the end for the end of weekend night for myself, I was actually thankful for the experience that made me more aware and made me feel connected with what other people in the world around me might be experiencing.  

Understanding each other, lending a hand, making ourselves available to simply be there for support, and using our joy and hope to lift each other up, might just be what we need right now. 

Nothing more.  No complicated formulas.

Love.  Acceptance.  Understanding. Kindness. 

The world is a strange place right now and we have to double, triple our dose of kindness. ❤️

Saturday, August 8, 2020

Out of nowhere last night I thought about the people in my life and throughout my life that have always made me feel whole, accepted, WELCOMED, and appreciated.  

The type of people that when you leave their presence, even if there is still a multitude of other people in that space, you know you can leave peacefully and they’ll have your back.  They will guard your name and never judge.

I remember in one occasion I was at my aunt’s house (I must’ve been around 15 or 16) and an older cousin of mine was sitting at the front porch with a few of my aunts and some other women from the neighborhood, having an afternoon chat and coffee.  I had stopped by momentarily to say hello on my way home from school.  During that brief moment that I was there visiting, my older cousin had to leave to go somewhere else and as she left she jokingly (and as we know every joke has a tone of truth), said to all the women she had been visiting with “I’ll leave you all my reputation behind, do as you please.” I remember being 15/16 and thinking “that’s unsettling, not even trusting your own family, those closest to you to love you as you are and ‘fearing’ being judged, because you simply had to leave for another commitment?!” Apparently her statement impacted me a lot because I’m still thinking about it right now.

May we always CHOOSE to surround ourselves by people of good deeds.  Nonjudgmental humans, the non whisperers, the lovers of life, those who accept our flows, our mistakes, who talk only words of kindness about our hopes and dreams and the ones who like us as we are. 

I say “like” because those who love us, well, we never have to worry about any of that. 

Genuine love and care is amazing, isn’t it?! ❤️

Friday. August 7, 2020

Before anything else, let me share a little bit about my day off yesterday which couldn’t have been better in the most of ordinary ways!!!

I spent the day running errands with my oldest daughter which actually ended up a very bonding time for the two of us, sometimes we look for extraordinary or complicated plans to reconnect with people and be with loved ones, but it is my experience that the most special moments are found in the ordinary. 

After a few errands and visiting one of our favorite local grocery stores that carries tons of organic and fresh food we like, we went home to have a quick lunch, pack some snacks and head out to the forest preserve with my youngest daughter too. 

We had such a nice time at the forest preserve walking, talking, sitting by the lake, listening to music and eating roasted nuts and drinking lots of water. Nothing makes me happy in this world that to see my girls HAPPY, laughing, talking, exchanging stories, hugging and being together.  I walked ahead of them a few times on purpose, I wanted them to have that special moment, just sisters. 

After our long walk at the forest preserve, we came home and I made a super delicious dinner (if I say so myself 💁🏼‍♀️), we all sat down at the dinner table, including my husband, said grace, shared about our day, laughed and talked some more and then we all picked up and cleaned the kitchen together.  I know that all should be a given, but it’s not always the case.

Sometimes, we don’t have the time.  Sometimes, we don’t have the energy.  And sometimes, we are annoyed at each other and we just simply don’t feel like it.  Yesterday was special in every way, and after the kitchen was all sparkly, Stan and I went out for another long walk. Boy, did I get quite a few more extra steps yesterday, but it felt amazing!!! 

Today was back to work and work it was.  It was a LONG day, and things just didn’t seem to be wrapping up for me, but thankfully just before the sun went down, I was able to come home. 

No family dinner at the table tonight, I was exhausted and everyone had to scramble for leftovers, which thankfully we had plenty of and all delicious.

After dinner, I went for a walk by myself to get some fresh air after being inside an office space for 12 hours.  I’m starting to really love my gym shoes, evening walks and the opportunity to move my body every chance I get.

Ordinary moments turned extraordinary when we look at life with reverence. ❤️

Thursday, August 6, 2020

I was talking to my mom on my walk last night and one thing led to another and we started talking about family, not our immediate family, but extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins and how much they mean to us.

What I was most thankful for in our conversation were the stories she was sharing about a few cousins that always reach out to her just to chat and check on her, then she told me about a first cousin that just before covid happened in Mexico, called her up out of the blue one day and said “I miss you, I want to come for a visit. Let me know what you have a taste for and I’ll pick up some food, bring the kids and we can spend some time together.” 

That might seem like a super simple act of kindness but in the big picture, it’s HUGE!!! 

My mom has been legally blind for quite sometime now and she is pretty limited as to where she can go by herself.  Her paced has slowed down a lot, but she’s always stayed connected with everyone through voice messages and phone calls since she can’t text, and most certainly, through prayer, my mom is always praying for everyone!

The day my cousin asked to stop for a visit my mom chose pizza and spaghetti bolognese from a favorite local restaurant.  When she was describing me this particular visit, you would’ve thought Santa Claus had come and she was 9 years old, she was simply ecstatic and SO beyond appreciative of this act of kindness. 

She said “he came over with a large pizza, my favorite spaghetti and drinks, and we sat down to talk and visit with the little ones too and we had such a great time!!!” I could feel my mom’s heart radiating joy as she retold the story. 

A simple act of kindness that meant the world to my mom.  To someone isolated in a way due to her disabilities, someone that craves human connection with people outside of her own roof. 

That made me love my cousin a little more.  I had never heard of this visit, and that meant a lot. 

May we always remember that in the midst of our busy lives, in the midst of our young lives, there are people older than us and in very different circumstances that are craving the same love and physical connection and affection we crave. 

Reaching out and simply caring sometimes costs nothing (well, maybe a pizza or two 😉) but it means the world to the receiver. ❤️

Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Stan and I have been going out for longer walks than usual lately and it has really given us an opportunity to discern, share things that are going on in our lives, laugh (we do laugh a lot), and “stop to smell the roses” by stopping and pausing when we come across something that catches our interest on our walks.

Our walks have reminded me of how extremely important connection and unity is in a marriage and partnership, and I’m not talking about the unity we kind of talk slightly when we exchange vows, but the unity that we work so hard together day in and day out to keep us whole, to keep us connected and to always be there to remind us that we came first, that we started together and what we have is true and real and GOOD.

We have our flaws, many of them, especially me, but we also have many gifts we share with each other and I think focusing on those gifts has always helped us to rise and conquer what life has thrown at us during the course of our life together.

This year has CERTAINLY been strange, and weird and awful and painful and sad and oh... I could say a few more things, but the isolation, the separation we have experienced due to the health crisis our world is experiencing, has also giving me the opportunity to dig deeper within myself and explore areas of my soul I had never visited before.  Most importantly, it has reminded me to take advantage of our time together as a family, to love a little harder, to learn to understand each other a little better and has encouraged me to be outdoors more.

Today I woke up feeling very hopeful, and inspired by new beginnings, AND, excited about my evening walk with Stan the man. 😉❤️

Tuesday, August 4, 2020

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I’ve had in a while.  Emotionally challenging.

I struggled with my coping mechanisms  and that was making me even more upset and unsettled.

I went through my day, I cooked, I went to work, I took care of things, and I took care of ME too! I went on a long, long walk and talked to my mom the whole time, my lifeline of hope and my listening ear that heals me every time. 

My day yesterday left me with a sour kind of taste at the end of the day and I struggled to put my mind at ease.  A million thoughts woke me up at 12:30 am and kept me awake until close to 3 am.  The whole time also thinking “gosh, I have to get up in a few hours to shower and go to work, this is not good.”

Thankfully, I was able to wake up with no issues this morning (ok, fine, I did hit the snooze button once 😉), but then for in the shower and went about my morning.  

I don’t know what I’d do without my morning routine sometimes.  Knowing that every morning a fresh cup of coffee and a moment of silence just by myself is waiting for me before the hassle and bustle of the day, is that peace I need at the end of a storm, in this case, at the beginning of anything.

When I went to bed last night, I was already looking forward to this moment. 

My alone time, solicite, my freshly brewed cup of coffee, my diary and almost complete silence. 

Grateful for every single glimpse of hope that shows up in my life and reminds me that everything will be ok. ❤️

Monday, August 3, 2020

“Let nothing dim the light that shines from within.” Maya Angelou 

I could read and listen to Maya Angelou’s voice and wisdom all day, every day!

To this quote I’d add... nothing or anyone.

How many times have you let someone extinguish the light within you by the way they act, the choices they make, the attitude they choose to walk through life and/or their hurtful words?

I’ve been fortunate in life not to have experienced most of those things too many times in the course of my life, but I have, of course, I’m not perfect.  My cheerful disposition doesn’t exclude me from being exposed to all of that, in the contrary, I think sometimes it gives space for it from people that might have different views, and it’s ok, but what’s not ok, it’s to alter someone’s happiness and way of looking at life simply because we can, because “they” can. THAT, it’s not ok, but we have the power to change the way we perceive it, by the way we react. 

I was reading something just a few days ago about the things in life that keep us “caged” and free to experience  life at it’s fullest and be gracefully who we were meant to be, and it really made me think.

Caged, what a strong word, but if we really reflect on it, it speaks truth.  What is keeping us from living our best lives, to gracefully come into the people we were meant to be in life?  Fears, insecurities, division, perhaps reconciliation with someone we love, forgiveness, oh, there is so much. 

I am no professional expert, but I can always speak from experience.  

What has always kept me focused on staying on MY OWN path of joy, integrity and truth, is guarding and protecting my light within.  That light I was born within that has always redirected my thoughts and feelings when something is not going the right way or when someone has done me wrong.  That spark within tapping on my shoulder always whispering “you have a special gift, stay focused, don’t let anyone or anything take your peace away, distract you from what you are meant to be.”  

We are all special.  We all have gifts.  We all have the power and incredible ability to seek peace, to reconcile, to forgive, and to continue exploring our purpose in life. ❤️

Sunday, August 2, 2020

Choose joy. Chose joy every day, every time. Life is so fleeting. Hang on to the people and things that bring you joy. Focus on the good of people, every person has something good and meaningful to offer, and when that practice seems hard because of particular circumstances, I hope we choose KINDNESS.

We never know what burdens people carry. A simple word, a simple action, a single act of kindness can transform someone’s life.

I find joy in simple everyday moments like sipping my coffee every day on my porch. I look forward to that every day.

I find joy in the evening walks I take with Stan talking about the ins and outs of life, what made us smile that day, what made us cry, what made us feel disappointed, talking to him is healing and joyful.

I find joy in the opportunities I have each day to help someone through my jobs which are both equally of service.

I find joy witnessing the dreams and hopes of my girls. Watching them grow up, mature, make mistakes and learn from them, and in the unconditional way they love each other.

I find joy in listening to my mom’s voice on the other end of the phone every time I can. Every time we talk she greets me with the same level of enthusiasm as if I had just come back from a two year vacation without means of communication. LOVE.

I choose to find joy in every step I take. In all the things I see, especially when the going gets hard. The moments of joy I mentioned above are the moments that when the going gets tough, lift me up, help me heal, and remind me of the true meaning and purpose in life.

Joy, love, service, kindness. ❤️

Saturday, August 1, 2020

HAPPY FIRST DAY OF AUGUST ⭐️

I woke up very happy and inspired and hopeful today for some reason. More than other times. ☺️

Maybe it’s the fact that a new “leaf” it’s turning with the beginning of a new month.  A brand new month of possibilities, ideas, projects, inspiration, family time, meals cooked, meals eaten outdoors, road trips, and an opportunity to pray for those we love struggling right now and for our suffering world.  

We’ve leaned so many lessons these past few months, and I think they’ve definitely helped us grow in a deeper understanding of who we are, how little control we have over our lives and how incredibly magnificent freedom and the gift of life is.  Think about those last few words for a second.

Our family has made some important decisions in the past few days, and what felt like a hurricane at the beginning, it feels like peace now. The light at the end of the tunnel.  Working through instead of against.  We have learned to work and make decisions peacefully and together, to support each other and to love.

My prayer for the month of August and beyond is #1 for an end to the coronavirus, and restored health to close friends and family suffering from it. #2 peace of mind, physical and spiritual health for myself, my husband, my daughters and all those I love (which are a lot 🥰), and #3 JOYFUL moments.  Moments that leave us with a calm and happy sense of peace in our lives and remind us of our purpose on earth. 

I wish the same to all of you.  August, we can already feel your kindness. ❤️

Friday, July 31, 2020

Today I want to reflect on things that brought me JOY in the month of July.  There is so much chaos in our world right now with so much happening that focusing on things that make me happy helps me go through life a little softer. 

My oldest daughter FINALLY had her virtual graduation this month after months of being postponed.  Although things were not even 1/4 of what they were supposed to be, it felt great to celebrate her accomplishments and be together as a family on that special day. 

My youngest daughter turned EIGHTEEN!!! How can that be?! It’s just so surreal to me, especially the fact that everyone at home now is considered an adult, mind blowing.  We had an awesome time on her birthday celebrating doing simple things that make her happy.  

I also had my first eye exam ever!  I know, I know, you’d think there is not much to celebrate or be joyful about this one, but it actually made me very happy because I’ve been having a lot of issues with my eyes lately and having the ability to simply walk into an eye doctor’s office, be evaluated and get prescriptions glasses is a gift and a blessings many people in the world cannot afford in many ways, and for that, I am extremely grateful!

This month I have tried to call my mom a few more times, or actually talk to her a little longer every time we talk on the phone.  My parents are so far away and the distance because a little tough on the soul sometimes, but talking to her about the ordinary things of life, sharing our day here at home and staying connected that way is amazing.  Yesterday when we hung up the phone she said “thank you for calling, I always love it!” I said “mom, you don’t have to thank me for calling you, I do it because I love you not out of obligation.” She said “I know, but it always makes me happy.” Well, imagine the river of tears after we hung up (mine that is 😉).  I miss my parents a little more each passing day, especially my mom with whom I’ve always had a special bond, but I’m hopeful that soon we will be able to visit each other and be together to spend real quality time. 

July also brought a lot of family meals on our deck - my FAVORITE- and many conversations about the future and plans we all have. 

Thank you July for reminding us that joy can be found and seen and felt and we pay close attention. ❤️

Thursday, July 30, 2020

They say the best way out is through, and this couldn’t be more true for the times we are living right now. 

2020 has certainly has had it’s unique challenges, and we have all experienced these challenges differently.  Different, because our burdens are not the same.  Different, because we all feel in a special way. 

We are nearing the end of the 7th month of the year.  We have only 5 more months before the end of the year and the start of a new year and SO much has happened in those 7 months.  We are also very ignorant of what’s coming next.  We hope and pray for good things. 

Yesterday was the first time in these past few months that I really, really felt at a loss for words for myself and those around me, desperate, confused, angry, FRUSTRATED, irritated, alone in a way.

I didn’t like any of those feelings but by the time I went to bed I realized that those were MY feelings and that I should embrace them and not feel embarrassed by them.  Life has not been easy lately, many ups and downs and a lot of confusion, but I know this is all temporary and that promise keeping me hopeful, focused and most importantly joyful on most days. 

I choose joy.  I choose joy every time, every day, but I also embrace the bad, for they both teach me a great deal about life.

If I could, I’d snap my fingers for all the sucky things to go away and life to resume to “normal” and wish all the wishes I could make.

More than anything, right now I’d wish for health for family and close friends sick with covid.  I’d wish for life to go back to normalcy for my daughters.  I’d wish for serenity and peace.  I’d wish for the opportunity to spend time with my parents. I’d wish for a better now.

Wishes... wishes.  It sounds so dreamy. 

In the meantime, as I work my way through these not so optimal times in my life, in our lives as a family, as a community, as citizens of the world, I do what I can do best instead of wishing.  I pray.  I’ll continue praying for all those things (family’s health, daughters, parents, etc...) and will not cease my prayers until we can give praise for a life the way we imagined it at the beginning of 2020.  

We encounter so many opportunities for prayer during the day - on our walks, alone time, an inspiring thought during the day, hopes, dreams, goals - SEIZE THE MOMENT EVERY TIME, pray and give thanks. 

May we be at peace and also be a source of peace to others. 💛

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Today was a hard day in so many ways.  

A day of decision making, helping my kids figure out important things, adjusting to change... new challenges and in the midst of it all, I really felt lost a few times.  Lost and desperate.  Desperate and lost.  I don’t like that. Life is easier when everything flows, OF COURSE!

The good thing about today was my ability to stay strong with the new round of Whole30 I’m doing.  There were quite a few times during the day that I could’ve EASILY resourced to stress eating, and I didn’t.  

I managed to eat all the healthy things, cook for myself and follow my Whole30 plan 100%! 

I also accomplished quite a few important things at the office and that definitely felt good, so I guess today was a good day.

Challenges sometimes are a reminder that we are human beings capable of feeling stress, loss, discomfort and anger at some points.  

Embracing the challenges as much as I love the good things and joys of my life. 💛

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

Today, my youngest daughter turned 18 years old and it’s pretty hard to believe. 

It wasn’t that long ago that she was born, and was a silly little girl that loved walking around playing dress up, eating endless ham and cheese sandwiches, running around the house screaming laughing and loving life. 

She still loves life even more now, but the silly little girl has turned into an amazing young lady that I am so proud to call my daughter.

She is genuine, KING, loving, accepting, hardworking and always tries to see the good in people and everything.

Wishing our sweet Bella endless blessings on this special day and always.  May she experience as much love throughout her life as the love she gives to others.

Today was a GREAT day! 💛

Monday, July 27, 2020

I have SO much to do today!!! At work, at work, errands that need to be ran, and lots of odds and ends, but I’m trying to keep my cool! 🙃

How is it possible that July is almost over? I feel like this year has gone by in more than a blink of an eye and it’s been a swim against current the whole time. 

The thought of not being able to visit my parents in Mexico for their 50th wedding anniversary this coming Fall has been consuming me a little, I just can’t get my mind off of it.  

The virus situation is bad in that area right now, same as it was in New York City and Chicago back in March and April of this year.  I am hopeful that towards the end of the year, they will be at least in the same phase we are here in Chicago right now, but even with that, there is so much quarantine that has to go on before and after and I certainly don’t want to put my parents at risk after traveling, but then do I take the chance of not visiting and something happening and not seeing them again?! 

My dad will be 84 this October and my mom is in her mid 70’s.  Thankfully, no serious health conditions, but my dad has been a smoker his entire life (I heard he quiet smoking a few months ago), but still, I can’t even imagine what his lungs might look like and that alone, plus his age puts him in a very vulnerable category. 

Ugh, I hate this virus and what it’s done to our families, our communities, our country, our WORLD!!! There, I said it and it feels better... a little at least. 

This virus has certainly came to remind us that we have little to ZERO control over our lives.  We can do what we can to control what we might, but after that, it’s not up to us. 

Staying focus on my own personal goals, journey and my purpose in life has helped me.  Praying has helped me, but there is still so much that I don’t understand and so much that I feel a little angry and resentful about, but I guess those are all normal feelings.

In the midst of my own pain and heartache, I try to do as much of what makes me happy, even if it’s as ordinary as drinking my first cup of coffee on the porch in the mornings.

A squirrel just skipped her way through the front lawn of my house and she seems very happy with life!  The grass is still wet from all the rain overnight, the fountain across the street from us is going stronger than ever and even though I have to head over to a very full day at work today, I’m finding solicitud and peace in this quiet and sacred moment of mine right now. 

HAPPY MONDAY ⭐️

Sunday, July 26, 2020

There is a saying by essayist and poet Henry David Thoreau that says “You must not only aim right, but draw the bow with all your might.” 

Knowing what we want is great, but putting ALL of our efforts into accomplishing our goals, is the key to success. 

A few months ago I started noticing that my migraines were getting out of control again,and I was at a loss for ideas on what to do.  I talked to my doctor (more on that later), and after some back and forth mainly me being reluctant about following a food plan, I decided to try Whole30 again since really, it’s the only thing that’s really helped me in the past to keep my migraine pain under control. 

Living with DAILY chronic pain is AWFUL. 

 Today is day 9 of my third round of Whole30.  Every one of them has been SO different, but I’m already starting to see some worthwhile changes.

I am a HUGE foodie and staying away from certain foods it’s not always easy for me, but, I also love eating all the healthy things which makes this program fun, yes, fun! 

I am aiming my bow with determination and staying focused on my target.  9 days done, 22 to go! 😉💪🏻

Saturday, July 25, 2020

A day off, ahhhh, so glorious!!! ❤️

I woke up thinking about prayer this morning.  Specifically, the power of prayer and the positive impact that prayerful people have had in my life. 

I’ve been fortunate to know a few people in my life that really, truly take prayer to heart and when you ask them to pray for someone or something in particular, you know they will immediately light the candles, reserve special time for private prayer, and do everything in their power to lift those people in prayer. 

I was recently speaking with someone and he said to me referring to another common friend “did you ever noticed he prayed a lot?!” I witnessed this particular’s person style of prayer in a few occasions, but I was never really aware I guess about how deeply and seriously he took prayer.  The way this person walks through life continues to be a true witness of the prayerful life he lives, always hopeful, always faithful, regardless of what life throws at his feet.

Prayer requieres commitment, faith, and an overwhelming level of confidence to LET GO.  Not an easy thing to do. 

Prayer is trusting that there is a greater power than us, that our lives have a purpose and a direction.  Although I don’t necessarily practice traditional daily prayer, I’d like to think that I am a prayerful person in a way.  

Some days I pray more than others.  I pray when things are not going the way I would like them to go.  I pray when someone I love is sick.  I pray when my children are suffering.  I pray when my husband is sick.  I pray for myself when I’m having a hard day.  I pray when my immediately family is struggling.  I pray mostly when life seems to be going against current, but I aspire to be more like the prayerful people I admire. The ones that pray simply because they know that a single prayer can move mountains, even when those mountains are not THEIR mountains or the mountains of those they love.

There are so many forms of prayer, but regardless of what that form of prayer looks like for each of us, if you feel your heart touched while in prayer, if you are moved to tears, if you feel some kind of chill and or a deep sense of peace while doing so, be certain that the presence of God was there with you in that very moment to heal and to show his/her love. 

Friday, July 24, 2020

As I sip my coffee on the porch, I am listening to a song that celebrates the friendship and relationship of siblings, and the singer says “thank you brother, let’s celebrate the memories and the love we have for each other...” and it goes on and on with beautiful and heartwarming lyrics.

I couldn’t agree more.  I am so thankful for the relationship I have with my two brothers.  I love the fact that they love me, they truly, really do love me and care for me, about me and want the very best for me and my daughters and husband and our entire family. 

We have been separated by a couple of thousand miles for over twenty years but I think our relationship actually got strongest throughout the years.  We have depended on each other’s support, guidance and wisdom.

We have history together that no one could ever share, understand or relate to.  Although all three of us couldn’t be more different from each other -truly- we were raised under the same roof, with the same father, same mother, same experiences, BUT experienced them from very different points of view, and that’s fascinating to me!!!

I love my brothers.  I love the relationship I have with each of them.  I love their unique personalities, I have learned to understand them in their unique way.  I love and appreciate the gifts they bring to this world, and most importantly to my life.  They lift me up, they carry me through life.

Siblings are some of the most special people in our lives. No one and nothing can ever replace that love, bond and history created throughout the years. 

I, too, celebrate the gift of my brothers’ lives in mine. 💛

Thursday, July 23, 2020

Kindness, kindness, KINDNESS!!!

Kindness is the one thing I will never get tired of talking about. 

Last night I got together with a few friends on my deck to catch up on our lives. Since we are not attempting going out to any restaurants anytime soon and outside seems like the perfect gathering these days, the deck was the perfect spot!

We ended up staying out until LATE into the night, and when I say late, I mean, almost the next morning. 😂 Good thing I have the day off today. 

Among the many things we talked about and laughed about and were serious about, we also brought up in conversation a common friend of ours that has been dealing with some tough situations in her life, but what really made me smile at the end of our gathering was that, in that hard conversation we were having about this particular friend and what her family went through recently, all it took was for one of us to say “she is so kind, she is so generous, she is so giving...” and we all started chiming in about the things we admire about her, and the strength within her that has helped her through these unusual and extraordinary life challenges.  That moment felt amazing to me! 

I will always want to be friends and surround myself with women that LIFT each other up! Women that encourage us. Women that speak good things about each other when we are not in each other’s presence, and generous women always willing to offer each other a hand when we feel that life feels a little heavier than usual.

KIND women. KIND people. SEEK them and when you find them, hang on to them tight and nourish those friendships. 💛

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

There is a great quote by Maya Angelou (my all time favorite author and storyteller), that says “if you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” 

Simply powerful and so true. 

One thing I highly dislike is complainers.  People who complain about simply everything and anything without doing anything to change the course of their lives. 

Believe me, I’ve had plenty of moments personally where I’ve complaint about things, moments where I’ve been upset and in disagreement, but I’m not talking about that type of “complaint”.  

Complaining and always (or almost always) being unhappy about how things are going for us in life and not actively doing anything to change the course of our lives when we have the tools, the time and the talent to change our circumstances are two different stories and MUCH more different that being frustrated about the the ordinary ins and outs of life and things that make us go “UGH!!!” 

I’ve had plenty of “ugh” moments in my life, but fortunately for me, I’ve never allowed space to simply dwell on situational circumstances and just think about all the things going wrong for me and then not doing anything about it, or not enough. 

The reason I’m sharing this is because I’ve had personal experience in all those scenarios. A few times actually, but the #1 complainer I was “introduced” to in life at an early age who taught me a lot without really trying, was my dad.  

There were many things my dad was unhappy about when I was growing up, starting with his career and financial stability which in return made him a bitter man, but what I never understood was the why’s of instead of doing something about it, ANYTHING, he chose to dwell and be miserable and make all those around him suffer the consequences of his unhappiness.  

I am almost always an optimistic to a fault and I think that could be a combination of two things.  Ok,I am no professional expert in this subject, neither am I trying to prove something deeper but I think that my cheery and optimistic disposition was highly influenced by these two things from an early age: my mother’s genes and her INCREDIBLE ability to always see light in the world around her despite whatever it was (is) that she is going through.  And second, my experiences with my dad growing up which made me a determined, hard worker and hustler from a young age.

I think more than once I made a promise to myself growing up that #1 I would never be like my dad in that respect of simply sitting back and not doing anything to improve his lifestyle and the lifestyle of his loved ones (in his defense, he has many other amazing qualities which I’ve talked about before but that’s not the subject of conversation right now) and #2 that I would always, ALWAYS try to channel my mother’s incredible gift of seeing life with love and IN love, enthusiastically, mindfully and with the biggest sense of perseverance a human can possibly have. 

Rather than seeing the many obstacles I had growing up, as a barrier to be who I was born to be, I’ve always chosen to channel them into a pathway of opportunities and some of the biggest life lessons designed for my journey to help me grow up to be exactly that... the human I was meant to be. 💛

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Tuesday. July 21, 2020

I grew up in a family that prayers and ate some serious breakfasts every day no matter what day of the week it was.  My mother who for the majority of her life was a stay at home mom, would wake up early in the morning way before we were out of bed and make us eggs, and toast and cut some type of fruit and even make oatmeal from time to time to go with our fruit and we always had fresh squeezed orange juice or a fruit smoothie. Breakfasts at home growing up were the best!!! Every meal was the best, no matter how fancy or simple it was, my mom made a celebration out of every meal! ❤️

Stan grew up the same way, eating home cooked meals from his mom and breakfasts were also very important.

This morning as my 22 and almost 18 year old daughters and I were getting ready for work, we spent a good amount of time in the kitchen making breakfast and also putting lunches together.  We all made our own breakfast and each of us had eggs, with at least one or two different veggies and Bella had some fruit also.  

I mentioned to them how much I love the fact that they make the time to prepare healthy meals for themselves, especially in the mornings and both said, they couldn’t do it any other way because that’s the way they grew up. Imagine how happy that conversation made me!!! ❤️

Our morning routines at home go beyond our life as a family right now. These routines and meals go back to my childhood, Stan’s childhood, and our parents childhood and I know that one day, my children’s children will also be partaking in this awesome morning ritual of preparing healthy breakfasts and sitting at the table together to share the meals they prepared... and who knows, maybe they’ll even have conversations like the one I had with Michelle and Bella this morning, full circle. 😉❤️

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Monday, July 20, 2020

Have you ever thought about what your mission in life might be?

I think about it often, but not with a sense of huge accomplishments and a thirst of conquering the “world” so to speak,  but I do think about my mission in life often.

I see my mission in life from the perspective of thriving, and living life with passion, humor, compassion, and a deep understanding of the environment around me and I embrace those feelings fully.  They walk alongside always. 

Life was giving to us for a reason and with a purpose, and regardless of what that purpose is, I think we all carry a responsibility to be loyal to that purpose of living our best life every single day, no matter what it is we are doing. 

Life gives us special moments every day.  The gift of the extraordinary in the ordinary is our biggest gift. 

A simple trip to the store or a walk to the nearest park or ice cream shop is filled with magic.  Magic in the things we see on our way to the places we visit, miracle in the nature we come across during our travel time and the gift of connection with the people we encounter along the way.  That alone is a gift.  That alone is a beautiful moment.  That alone (in my opinion) is our mission.  MY mission.  To notice, to feel, to smell, to acknowledge, to love.

No big agenda.  Simply being in the moment is extraordinary enough. 💛

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Sunday, July 19, 2020

I was talking to a friend yesterday about our daughters moving away soon.  BOTH of them, and almost both within a month. The reality of it all didn’t really hit me until I spoke the words.  They Are Leaving.

The oldest is starting life in another state farther than a stone throw away from us.  The youngest is going away to College far away as well, enough of a drive where you can’t just pop in and out, and although she’s not leaving our home for good yet, it’s definitely a change in our routine.

I don’t even think I ever imagined this scenario before, and it’s a good thing.  

I’m not sad, not at all!!! I am beyond thrilled for them.  Excited for them to start something new.  To meet new people, to make new connections, to change environments, views (physical views, new perspectives, new challenges (exciting ones), almost new everything! 

Despite all the excitement and joy for them, it is still change for all of us.  Our family dynamics will probably never be the same, because even when we are back together, the ordinary situations of living together, not just visiting, that, will be over.  But that’s how life is supposed to be. 

In the meantime, Stasiu and I have each other, I have beautiful and comforting places in our home that help me be at peace and many places that will always remind me of family time AND I can pray and dream and hope all the amazing things that life has to offer for our girls, how awesome is that?! ❤️

Life is an ongoing transition and I’m embracing every bit of it! 🌿

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Saturday, July 18, 2020

Today the day had 20 hours and I’m not saying, the day, the day, like from the moment I woke up until now, you get it, right? 😉

It was such an amazing and productive day and many things were accomplished! Simple things, not like the things that change the world, more like family stuff. 

I got a lot done at home which I’ve been trying to do for a long time m, but I just haven’t had the time with so much work or the motivation to do it, today was the day and the house looks amazing, which is always a great feeling and I also cooked a ton.

Clean house and yummy, healthy food to eat, I call that mission accomplished!!! 

We also made plans to get some things done in the house, some bigger projects and I’m feeling very excited about it.  I am the happiest when I’m at home... or on Amtrak! 

On a side note, I’m having coffee this late in the day because we woke up to no coffee in the house! How was that even possible?! By the time I had breakfast and a drink with breakfast, I didn’t feel like a cup of coffee anymore, imagine that! But I’m definitely savoring this one right now, sitting on my deck, my feet up, a cool breeze, and the sounds of hundreds of cicadas, and I’m loving it!

I might stay out on the deck until midnight, who knows! 💛

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Friday, July 17, 2020

Today, my big girl graduated from College!!! 🎭🥳🎉

The original graduation day was supposed to be on April 20th of this year, but the pandemic didn’t allow for it to happen.  That day I tried to make her day as special as I could, but there was not much I could do to lift her mood.  We still “celebrated” what could’ve, should’ve been. 

Today was different.  She graduated virtually, and it was a lovely and special ceremony considering the circumstances.  The President of the Theater Academy that she attended in New York City delivered a special message to the Graduates and then there were two speeches by alumni of the Academy, Julia Duffy and Keith Randolph Smith.  Both shared heartwarming, eloquent and encouraging messages that made me shed a few tears.  

Michelle’s College Journey was not an easy one from the very beginning, but she finally found her heart and passion in theater and we saw her love live again during the course of her training. 

Today, Michelle simply BEAMED, she was so, so happy despite the virtual ceremony.  She was excited to be able to share the joys of graduation with her classmates and friends even through a screen and she is beyond EXCITED to start her career as an actor, regardless of what that stage might look like. 

After Graduation we celebrated with take out from a local restaurants that carries one of her favorite vegetarian dishes.  Her sister made her a gluten free funfetti cake and we opened a bottle of champagne to toast. 

Her happiness today, made me, made us ALL happy in return.  We don’t know quite yet what the future has in store for her as far as her career goes, but it’s as happy and hopeful and exciting as she was today, it has to be BRIGHT! ❤️

Cheers to a professional (and personal) road ahead paved with amazing opportunities, health to enjoy them all and valuable friendships to savor them to the max.  We love you, Michelle! 🌟

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Thursday, July 16, 2020

You know those moments when you see a picture or watch a video of something that brings you peace and transports you to a happy and content place?! 

That happened to me yesterday! I saw a promo video of a sleeper car promo video for Amtrak and it immediately took me back to my happy place.  My place of contentment and peace and quiet.  Peace and quiet I have been so much craving lately. 

Life gets to be too noisy and too busy at times, and this virus changing schedules and routines and plans, changed almost everything! I cope with it just fine on most days, but today is one of those days that I’m really struggling with it all, especially since I don’t know when I will be able to visit my parents since their city is the epicenter of the country at the moment. 

In the meantime, I sit on my porch, I drink coffee, I write, I dream, I plan, I escape as much as I can.  It works for most of the time and then that moment allows me to get back to the in and outs, hassles and stresses of daily life.

Today I have the day off!!! Hurray for that! 😍. I don’t really have a completely responsibility free day, as we have a couple of tele health appointments, and a couple other things to take care of, but it’s a day off nonetheless that will allow me to sit back for a bit, to take care of the things I need to take care of without rushing and maybe cook a meal which I haven’t really done in a few days. 

Coffee cheers to a day of nothingness and everything and for plans and dreams being created as we speak! ❤️

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Wednesday, July 15, 2020

Control what you can, control what you can.  How many times have we heard that? Plenty, I’m sure!

I have always tried my best to live by that, but I have to be honest, this whole COVID situation getting so out of control in some states that have refused to do their part in following guidelines and protocols and contributing to the spread of the virus in return, is extremely unsettling and is starting to take my sleep away.  

More unsettling because there are so many people that continue to think this is a hoax, exposing themselves to big crowds and then going back to their communities with vulnerable people possibly exposing people if they happen to be carriers. 

In the past few weeks I have personally heard stories and seen pictures and videos of people I KNOW that have been extremely sick as a consequence of contracting the virus, DIED from the virus, with no other underlying health conditions and families suffering because of it. The majority of these people were:are under 40 years of age. Some in the vulnerable category because of their age are under 75! Real people, real stories, people close to me, a REAL health crisis!!! What will it take for all of us to wake up and take action??? To really understand the severity of the situation? 

I know we are ALL inconvenienced! We all want to move on, we all want to live our best lives, we all want to experience life as we had planned, this whole thing plainly and simply SUCKS, but we have to be more responsible about it and help STOP the spread!!!

It mortifies me that I could be exposed to the virus because unknowingly I could be exposing myself to someone that is being careless about this health crisis and in return, myself, expose my family, especially my husband who is in the vulnerable category with a heart condition. 

I guess the bottom line for me is, I HAVE to do what’s best for me and my family. I have to make the choices that will help me protect my family as much as I can.  And if that means, staying away from people and situations that I know by fact have been exposed to large numbers of people or been in places that are considered to be high risk and significant for the community spread, then that’s what I need to do. There is too much at stake and it’s simply not weird it, not in my book.

The alternative to choosing not be inconvenienced in our lifestyle because we don’t want to miss out, is not particularly ideal. 

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Tuesday, July 14, 2020

For some reason I haven’t been able to sleep well the last few nights, actually, feel rested when I wake up, and I don’t think it has anything to do with the amount of hours slept.  I’m definitely getting at least 7 hours of sleep at night and on most days 8 hrs, which is pretty great, my body can’t really sleep a lot longer anymore, but waking up a little more refreshed would be good. 

I have been so busy at work than I have “neglected” if you may, my own personal creativity and wholesome  practices that bring ME joy, like writing more, cooking food that make my body feel awake, spending more time in contemplation and daily walks.  I simply haven’t had time for it and even if I wake up with the most intentions to do at least one or two of those things no matter what at the end of the day, my almost 50 year old body says “ahhh, no, I don’t think so!” I’m simply too tired and exhausted and all I want to do is sit on the deck and talk and laugh with Stan, which is also great and I love it a lot, but I do miss the moments I give myself and only myself.  Not selfishness, self care, and it’s a great practice. ❤️

I think I might try to make it my mission in the next few days to practice those simple moments that bring me so much joy. 

The bench in the picture is the bench where I sit every morning to sip my coffee.  This bench is at least 18 years old, we got it around when Bella was born.  It has giving us a lot of special moments and I love it dearly.  Stan has offered to paint it a few times, which I’m grateful for, but I like it just the way it is, in it’s pure and authentic form.  I don’t enjoy shopping at all, I don’t have much in my house. No expensive anything and no excessive furniture or stuff on the walls, but I do hang on tight to a few special material things like this bench, that bring so much comfort to me and my family. 

I don’t see it as attachment, but rather as a deep appreciation for something that gives me just a place to sit and sip my coffee. ☕️

Do you have a piece of furniture, special coffee or tea cup or anything tangible that makes your heart smile just a little bigger? 💛

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Monday, July 13, 2020

I just watched Michelle’s virtual Grad play for the third time and I could watch it again and again and again, I’m to the point of memorizing some of the lines. 😃

Such an amazing play and it makes me so sad to know that it wasn’t able to be out onstage and performed live, but it’s so out of our control. 

Control. We have so little of it in our lives, even though sometimes we think we do, but not in the mood to talk about that right now.

I spent most of the evening on the deck and now I’m going to sleep soon, all the running around lately is definitely catching up with me and I am feeling a little more tired than usual, but good thing I have the option of going to be earlier. 

Today was a day of everything and nothing, An perfect ordinary day but I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to slow down and get some much needed rest. 

Happy Monday! 💛

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Sunday, July 12, 2020

I’m sitting on the deck all by myself. I have purposely picked the sunny side of the deck to fully feel the warmth of the day. 

It’s been a busy day and not too long ago I walked in the house after being at church working.  I didn’t have time to have breakfast or coffee before I left the house this morning, but all morning long I visualized this moment while I took care of things at work.  Moments of quiet is what keeps me sane and at peace. 

At church today the Gospel of Matthew was read and this particular reading is a parable about a farmer whose field had been sown with both wheat and weeds. Jesus says that the kingdom of God is incredibly precious, like a man that would sell everything for a single pearl or a field that contains a hidden treasure. It can also be interpreted to reveal a hidden meaning, everything in the story represents something else. It is a parable about growth.  After the Gospel, our Pastor made a reference and a connection between that reading and our own lives and made a special focus on parenting and youth.  How we as parents sow seeds of faith in our children and then we have to let go and pray that those seeds will blossom and bear fruit one day, even if we don’t get to witness the fruit of those seeds.  Once those seeds are planting in our children, in the lives of those we love, miracles start to happen, but the miracle of it is our belief and faith in that. 

This reading made me think particularly about my own journey of faith with my children.  Stan and I have raised both of our daughters the same way, with the same faith, beliefs and religious practices.  The way they practice their faith especially could no be more opposite.  One takes pride in the way she practices her religion, and has even created her own rituals which inspire me on most days, and the other daughter practices in her own way, different from the way we have always practiced our religion, but also with the same faith. Religion and faith, connected but so different from each other. 

I admire and learn from the way one child practices her faith and religion and feel encouraged by the way the other looks for strength in the way she’s grown up with, and even though she doesn’t practice in the same way she grew up, it is my responsibility as a parent to let go and let God and firmly believe that the seeds I’ve planted in her in my parenting years, are there hiding inside of her, lighting her way and reminding her that she’s never alone and that she will always have that faith to lift her up and give her strength, especially on days when she most needs the spiritual support. 

Parenting is all about planting seeds, watering those seeds, veering the pot constantly from the sun and shade and stepping back in full confidence that what we are doing to care for them will bear the best of fruits with time, even if we don’t get to savor and witness the fruit of those seeds.  Hope, faith, trust.  An ongoing journey of love. ❤️

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Saturday, July 11, 2020

Today was one of those great days, a really, really great day and I feel so thankful for all the time spent together with my family and friends, our conversations and the many laughs we had and it was such a busy day that I didn’t really have time to sit down and write my daily journal. 

We started our day by watching my oldest daughter’s grad play from her theater school and even though it was via zoom, it was still amazing and a special moment for our family for sure. This play has been a combination of excitement, celebration and heartbreak, but today was an opportunity to be thankful for what they are able to do at the moment. Not a play on a stage the way they had planned and dreamed, but a performing opportunity nonetheless. 

After the play Stan, the girls and I cleaned and organized the entire house, we grocery shopped and the girls spent a lot of time together, getting coffee and talking, I love that!!!

In the evening we hosted a little get together with some friends and it ended up one of the loveliest of nights we’ve had in a while. I love it when the girls join in on their own and participate in the conversation with our adult guests.

The weather ended up being perfect and we were able to sit on our deck and simply enjoy each other’s company while we sipped wine and enjoyed delicious shrimp, mussels and salad, so good!!!

Today was simply one of those really, really great days and I am feeling very thankful for it all right now! ❤️❤️

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Friday, July 10, 2020

I had the weirdest dreams last night, I’m trying to remember them all, because there were a lot of different snippets of dreams but some scrapped my memory bank as soon I my feet touched the floor.

Dream #1 was me swaddling a baby, and it wasn’t my baby, it was a friend’s baby, and I was feeling conflicted because I couldn’t remember quite how to do it anymore and it was bothering me a lot but then the baby smiled at me gesturing that what I was doing was ok. 

Uhm... interesting, isn’t it? Maybe it was my subconscious mind worrying about my own kids and doing the right thing for them and directing them on the right path, and the smile at the end? Perhaps, the world trying to tell me not to carry so much on my shoulders and let go, that things will be OK! 

I don’t base my life on the meaning of dreams of course, but I do think that our dreams are often the result of what we are going through in life and whatever our minds and hearts are feeling. 

Dream #2 which has no connection to this at all haha, was about a friend and his partner announcing they were selling everything they had here in Chicago and were moving to Florida.  They seemed so happy about their spontaneous and serendipity decision that made me super happy for them and also a little jealous that I’m not that adventurous myself. 

I also had a third dream, but it’s very vague in my mind right now.  I just have fragments of it here and there. 

I didn’t feel rested when I woke up and I was feeling kind of heavy from all the dreams, but wait, maybe it was the burrito and chips and guacamole I ate at 8 pm right before I went to sleep! I knew that wasn’t a good decision! 😂

Speaking of late night eating, I’m such an emotional eater than most days lately I feel the need to indulge in something savory and delicious as soon as I walk in from work regardless of what time that is.  I have to find an alternative to that practice ASAP! 

I’m sitting on my porch, fresh rain on the ground, I just took a shower and put on a cotton shirt and shorts on, my hair is still wet and I wish I could sit here a lot longer but I have to get ready for work soon.  However, I am very thankful for my sacred time on the porch every morning that fuels me day in and day out. 

Happy Friday everyone! ❤️

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Thursday, July 9, 2020

Apparently, when you get older you can party like a rockstar but you CANNOT recover like one! 🙋🏼‍♀️😭😂

Last night I had a few friends over on my deck to talk and catch up and we ended up having a liiiitle more fun than anticipated! 😁

A year ago I went on my first cruise with my daughter’s Girl Scout troop and their moms and we ended up having a BLAST!!! The trip truly was one of the best experiences I’ve had in my life (true story), and the moms and girls that went on the trip created special bonds and made some incredible memories during the ten days of the cruise. 

Yesterday ended up being the perfect opportunity to catch up, eat and simply be together.  Let’s just say the sharing of Margaritas were plenty, the food was delicious and dessert equally amazing. 

We laughed SO much!!! We talked about everything and nothing and also the most random stuff! We ended up sitting out for five full hours, and it was so late into the night that the neighborhood raccoons started having their own fun right across from my house. 🤣

I’ve been working so much lately that often when I have any time to spare all I want to do is sit back and relax, but I’m so glad I took a leap of faith on this one and decided to have some spontaneous kind of fun on a week night because it ended up being one of the best days I’ve had this Summer so far. 

Girls need girlfriends.  We need our own people to laugh with, to share stuff with, to eat yummy food together, to complain about the ins and outs of life, to talk about our kids and to be silly and bonus, as the result of this casual get together of ours, there is a future cruise in the making!!! 😍😂

Now, if my stomach could tolerate another cup of coffee today, MAYBE, I can manage to stay awake and alert for the rest of the day until I can go to sleep at... 7 pm, HA! 

Last night made me realize how much I miss and need time with friends and opportunities to be silly and playful! 

Blessed with the best tribe of women in my life! ❤️

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Wednesday, July 8, 2020

Think about how KIND people make you feel.  Those people who you’ve come across spontaneously and randomly and you’ll never see again or people you see every day and/or very often.

I think about those people often because they are the ones that inspire me to be a better person, to do better, to act justly, to love a little deeper and journey through life with a better understanding of my true purpose of being and life.

KIND people make me look forward to tomorrow.  They make me see the world from a different perspective and they help me understand the world around me better, often without them knowing. 

I need to experience the love and genuinity of people’s kindness in my life as much  as I need the sun in the winter and the fresh air and outdoors in the summer.  My body has a funny way of reacting and reading people’s moods and personalities in abig way.  Being an empath is hard sometimes, I feel everything, literally, that’s why I strive to be surrounded by positivity, realness, honesty and KINDNESS.  By saying that, it doesn’t mean “perfection”, perfection doesn’t exist, but even a not so good day, shared with people that are honest and genuine is an opportunity to see the world around us in a lighter way. 

May we always be people that make others look forward to tomorrow by the way we walk through life. ❤️

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Tuesday, July 7, 2020

It’s 9:20 pm and I’m sitting on the porch of my house.  I purposely turned the lights off outside and I’m listening to the waterfall cascading and you want to know something? It feels simply glorious. 

My first cup of coffee was rushed between projects and meetings at the office and I didn’t really get to enjoy it and thankfully for me, I’m one of those lucky people that can have a cup of coffee right before I go to sleep and have no issues falling asleep, I grew up that way, both my parents drink coffee before they go to sleep and it’s never been an issue, lucky us considering we are such coffee lovers. 🥰

Today was a great day at work and I got a little bit of everything done.  The new pastor at the church where I work, could not be nicer and bonus he has an adorable puppy which makes work a lot nicer too! We have been double blessed! 

Our family is knee deep into all college and moving out of state (for our eldest) paperwork, and figuring things out for them and it’s EXHAUSTING just as much as it is exciting.  Oops, just realized that I wrote exhausting first AND I capitalized that word haha, apparently this process has been more of that than the other for now. 😬 Paperwork is just so time consuming and so draining and the older I get, the less patience I have for it. But, it has to get done! August will be here before we know it and suitcases will be getting packed, and boxes will be getting tape around it to be shipped or taken miles away from here. It seems so surreal in a way.

It will be Stan and I, and Daisy going to be before 10 pm and playing frisbee on the weekends! 😂 Life is certainly funny and so fast. 

If it were safe to sleep outside, I think I would tonight.  There is such a lovely breeze and I am in love with the sound that the trees make with the wind, I think I was born to be a flower child, I love nature and the world that surrounds me. 🌺

Goodnight, sleep well, and make tomorrow bring us many smiles along the way. 💛

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Monday, July 6, 2020

I had a day off today!!! Woohoo!!! 🥳

I needed a day like today in a big kind of way and I’m so glad I used to do anything, nothing and a little bit of whatever I wanted! 

A pretty intense migraine woke me up at 4 am this morning and the severity of it made me fear the possibility of wasting a perfectly good day off.  Thankfully for me, my over the counter meds and ice packs worked and I was able to enjoy most of my day off, semi pain free, which I consider a big victory. 

I talked to a couple of friends, one who lives out of town and I haven’t spoken to in a few months and also to my mom.  It was a combination of 3 hours on the phone between those three calls, but I loved every minute of it.  It’s so good to catch up and listen to people’s voices, not just by text. 

I ran a couple of errands, took a short nap, made a doctor’s appointment for myself to follow up with my neurologist about my migraines and Bella and I went on a short drive to take care of a few things and then got iced coffees on the way home.  I especially LOVED spending time with Bella and talking about the ordinary things of life that most times make life extraordinary. 

Stan started a new job today and I cooked one of my grandma’s favorite vegetarian meals that he loves to celebrate.  We sat on the deck and devoured our food while we sipped some lemonade.  He’s now watering all of our plans on the deck and I’m sitting at the table in the patio taking it all in and feeling really grateful for the little things in our lives.  

Today was a simple day, but it was a special day for me because it’s not often that I get to enjoy a day off, a day of nothingness.  A ponytail and no make up kind of day, morning coffee on the porch, dinner on the deck, casual conversations with my teen and learning all about Stan’s new job during supper was an AWESOME way to spend my day off! 

I definitely feel recharged and ready to start a brand new work week tomorrow.  Feeling super blessed to have a job that I love so much that makes me be excited to go back to after a well deserved day off. 

Summer days... I love you! ❤️☀️

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Sunday, July 5, 2020

What a busy, busy Sunday today has been, but a great one indeed! ❤️

I had my morning coffee at the office and no time to even snap a picture, so here is a picture of my drink with dinner tonight. 😃

Today for the first time in forever that I couldn’t wake up in the morning! Probably going to sleep past midnight yesterday and having to wake up at 6 am today, wasn’t a good idea! Boy, did I struggle trying not to hit the snooze button for the millionth time. 

Work was busy today, but very exciting and time did go by really quick. After church I went straight home (actually not straight, I had to stop at the grocery store to get a key ingredient for the cake I was making).  I made my friend Laurel her favorite birthday cake, Tres Leches and it was amazing if I say so myself! It has been the best one yet in the years I’ve been making it. It was delicious! 

I’m sitting on the deck feeling so very relaxed, I could almost take a nap here.  Stan is sitting by me talking to his brother in Polish and I have zero idea about what they are taking about. 😬

My office is closed tomorrow and I have all intentions of just relaxing, maybe taking a nap and recharging for the week ahead. 

Thankful, blessed, grateful! ❤️

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Saturday, July 4, 2020

Because I need to distract my mind from other troubling things I’ve seen on social media lately that have taken some of my peace away, let me share about a cool milestone at our home, I think it’s special anyways! 😉

18 years ago exactly on this day at this time, Stan, 4 year old Michelle and a very pregnant me, were walking the Toyota car dealer parking lot looking for a minivan that would accommodate our growing family.  

I still remember the excitement of the day, how hot it was that day, how tired I was feeling and hot patient Michelle was during the whole long and dreading process of car buying. 

We went in not knowing what exactly we were looking for, the only think we knew is that we wanted a minivan.  We were considering buying a gently used car, with low mileage, but then I saw our green Toyota Sienna, brand new at the time sitting in the parking lot and I immediately fell in love with it.  I knew it in my heart that it was the right car for us.  And it smelled amazing, that particular brand new smell of a car, leather seats, automatic sliding doors, sunroof and ALL the bells and whistles, it was love at first sight if you ask me! 😃

Fast forward 18 years later and I still love my green minivan just as much -if not more- as I did 18 years ago.  

Our minivan has 195,000+ miles on, it has taken us to MANY places! It has witnessed joy, sadness, anger, despair, moments of celebration, doubt, fear, love and sooo much more!!! 

My green minivan has become my sanctuary, my monastery on wheels.  A place where I get to be alone with my thoughts most of the time.  A place where I can escape when I need to. A mode of transportation that has taken me so many times to work, to places of recreation, family travels and the ordinary in and outs of life.

Just like anything that ages, my lovely green minivan has needed some work done throughout the years, and just recently we had to spend a decent amount of money on a repair and as Stan put it “it should be good for a while now.” 

I know that eventually we will have to face the reality of getting rid of it and finding a new car and to be honest, I don’t think I could.  I know it sounds silly, but I have so much attachment to that car and it’s so sentimental for me in so many ways, that it will hurt to see it go. I know, I know, it’s a car. 

That car has taken us to hospitals so many times.  Most of those times have been in fear, but also the most amazing of those drives was the ride to the hospital to give birth to our youngest, Bella who ironically, just got her drivers license yesterday.  A day short from the 18th anniversary of our “HPYFAM Minivan” day.  SO many memories!!!

Stan detailed the inside of the car last week and it looks like brand new if you ask me! 😍

Maybe we’ll wash it today, tank it and take it for a drive to celebrate!  Life is about celebrating the little things that become big things in our lives, isn’t it?! 💚🚗

Happy and safe Independence Day! 🇺🇸

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Friday, July 3, 2020

The other day I was talking to a group of friends and I said “I wish I could be a little more of a risk taker and adventurous.” Almost everyone screamed “you are!!! You moved to another country to start a new life!” 

Ok, ok, now that you put it that way, I guess I am! 😃

I guess, I’ve never thought about it that way.  I’ve always seen my big move to another country with a change of language and culture as an act of love, not as an adventure.  I never thought about it that way, because I married for love, in love and to me, regardless of the destination or change of address, I wasn’t doing it for the “experience”, or to be bold and adventurous. 

Looking back, I was VERY brave, very adventurous and a little too carefree and a bit of a risk taker.  That was a huge leap of faith!!!

Would I do it again?! If it were Stan, YES, undoubtedly.  Someone else, a different circumstance? Not in a million years! 

My life as a married adult woman has been quite the adventure, being away from my parents and brothers, and immediate family, adapting to a new culture and way of living, and learning to balance a bilingual life and always working on being more proficient in a second language.  

People always ask me “how did you and Stan met? What’s your love story?” 

Maybe one day I’ll write about it.  It’s definitely not all that exciting haha or worth a novel, but certainly unique in every way! 

Our married life has taken us on many adventures, many different experiences and in the midst of it all, we have learned to adapt, not only to each other, but our upbringings, lifestyle and way of viewing life coming from two different backgrounds. 

I guess you can say that, I DO have some of an adventurous soul. 😊❤️

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Thursday, July 2, 2020

My almost 18 year old daughter asked me today, “mom, how can you work so many hours and still be happy about it?” My response was simple “because I love what I do!” Her face lit up and immediately said “aww, I hope I feel that way about my job one day.” 

It may sound a little crazy, but I find even the long hours rewarding.  My job is very unique and creative and I love all the freedom I have to give the best of my to the people that I serve. 

Today, I took my coffee cup for a short walk around the church grounds and it felt good to take a break from my desk and be outdoors enjoying my coffee. 

Feeling extra thankful for the people I get to interact with on a daily basis at work. For the work I get to do and for the opportunity to serve. ❤️

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Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Today was another eventful day!!! 

It seems like every day is an eventful day lately, some have been heavy, really heavy and hard to process, and others have been celebratory like today.

Today, our new appointed Pastor at the church where I work moved in and he really couldn’t be nicer.  He moved in with his shih tzu Jonah who is just the most adorable pup.  We are excited to start ministry with him and see where the Spirit leads us as a parish staff and as a community of faith. ❤️

This past week has truly felt like a month, but today brought the hope of new beginnings.

Life is so fleeting and so unpredictable.

We live every day with hope and faith and the promise of new and better tomorrows. 

WELCOME JULY. ❤️

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Tuesday, June 30, 2020

The first and last day of the month always has a special feeling.  

Today, we say goodbye to a dear priest that came to “rescue” us at the church where I work while we were in transition of being appointed a new priest by the Cardinal.  It’s a bittersweet day for sure as we will miss him TREMENDOUSLY, but we are also looking forward to working and doing ministry with our new shepherd that will guide us in the years to come.  We are blessed in many ways. 

On a separate note.  If you don’t think your family notices your comings and goings they sure do.  Last night as we were getting ready for bed, my husband said “I noticed you haven’t sat on the porch to drink your coffee for a few days, I know you are busy, but maybe you need to find time to do that even when you are busy.”

Do you know what that simple, silly remark meant a to me? LOVE!!! Love... because he GETS me, he knows how important and sacred my time on the porch is.  Love, because I don’t need too much to be happy.  Love, because he values and respect my time of solitude on the porch that fuels me for the day ahead every day.  Love, love, love.  I went to sleep with a very content heart, feeling thankful for him noticing me in ways I didn’t think he was.  I mean, obviously he knows I sit on the porch almost every day to drink my coffee, but to know that HE knows how important that is to me, PRICELESS! 

The world might seem upside down right now, and even though half the year has gone by in an anxious kind of state, we still have a lot to be grateful and thankful for, and for the gift of appreciating the good in the twisted, I feel incredibly blessed. ❤️

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Monday, June 29, 2020

A day filled with sacredness in many ways.  

Today we celebrated the life of a dear, dear parishioner and friend that lived a life of grace and faith.  I was moved by the words spoken at Mass, by the people attending the funeral and by the love felt all around.  Today, I felt especially blessed to work at the church where I have worshiped for 24 years.  We are so blessed by so many incredible people. 

Today was also another long work day, there are just not enough hours in the day sometimes it seems.  The reopening of church has proven to be quite a task but in all honesty, I have never loved my job more than I have in the past few weeks and months.

Work is not work when you love and feel passionate about what you do.  

Tomorrow we say goodbye to a priest that has BLESSED our parish office with the way he walks through life, and I am really hoping that the water proof mascara I plan to use, holds it’s own, otherwise, it won’t be pretty.  Some goodbyes are just a lot harder than others.  

We walk by faith and not by sight. ❤️

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Sunday, June 28, 2020

It’s awesome to raise babies, and help young children as they grow older, but it’s extremely rewarding and amazing to see them grow into mature, responsible young adults and see their souls through their eyes when you have conversations with them. 

Last night we sat on the deck as we do many other days.  It was my husband, my 22 year old daughter and I. We talked about some of her future plans as an independent young adult, mocking away and the many dreams she’s daring to dream for herself.

Someone once said to me “our kids are 18 year rentals”, and although it sounds funny, it’s kind of true. We know that their lives are their own and we only get to “mold” them and guide them for a certain period of time and you hope and pray that that you’ve done as a parent in their early years will carry them through life and help them make all the right choices. 

I used to think that parents could never be their kids best friends, and even though the definition of a “best friend” between friends and parents and children are quite different, I’d like to think that we have pleasantly crossed those boundaries of mainly instruction and guidance and parenting and have safely and happily landed at a new stage of our lives as mother and daughters and it’s a really great feeling. 

Parenting is a process.  Motherhood has definitely been a process and a journey of growth in many ways, but it’s been worth every second of it.

Excited to see where life will take them from here. ❤️❤️

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Saturday, June 27, 2020

My body is so accustomed to waking up early and going to work every day that even on days like today when I couldn’t woken up later and take extra time to “smell the roses”, my body was like “nope, time to get up and be productive!” 

I guess it’s not all that bad, I’m thankful for the things I have to do and more importantly I am able to do. 

I do have to go to work at some point later today to check on a few things for the weekend, but not for a while, so for right now, I’ll sit on my porch and take the morning in. 

Being productive inside my house has been a lot more challenging lately. Between my long work hours and the nice weather outside, I’m avoiding being inside the house as much as I can, but I also do love a clean and organized home, so maybe today I’ll push myself a little to get things done. 

Today we have a farewell for a priest that has been working and helping us for a year at the church where I work, and it’s a super bittersweet time.  He has graced us with his presence and gifts in such an incredible way that is hard to see him go, but life is an ongoing transition, and he too, just like us at church must move on and start a new chapter.  Farewell are all fun and games until the person you are saying goodbye to us really, really hard to say goodbye to! I am thankful that our paths crossed and I got to experience a little piece of his incredible and generous soul. 

Happy Saturday! ❤️

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Friday, June 26, 2020

I’ve been thinking this morning about the gift of friendship and how our friendships change with seasons.

Friendships we have when we are younger and school aged, the friendships that are almost “obligated” if you may, friendships that happen naturally or in a serendipity kind of way, and friendships that we purposely seek when we have reached a more mature stage in our lives and nurture us and build us up. 

Friends are almost crucial in our human development and help us navigate through life. 

I personally have been blessed with many amazing friends in the course of my life.  Some have been in my life briefly and we’ve had some good times and I’ll remember those moments fondly for years to come.  Some friendships have been a little more casual and ordinary, and some friendships have developed into family. 

Friendships that make us feel good about ourselves, respected, included, and most of all, LOVED, are invaluable and necessary for leading a happy life. 

The older I get, the more I appreciate and recognize the gift of a true friendship that comes effortless.

I’ve had many conversations with my daughters over the years about the meaning of friendship.  I’ve supported them through some challenging, tough times of brokenness in their own journey with friends, and I have also celebrated with them the times when friends have shown up for them in BIG ways when they most needed it.

Friendship is a journey.  Friendship must be nurtured both ways.  Friendship is love, respect, admiration, and unconditional support no matter what we are going through in life.  

Friendship is showing up for each other through the good, the bad and the ugly and whispering the other, “I got you! I love you!” by the little (or big) things we do. 

“There’s a marked difference between acquaintances and friends. Most people really don’t become friends. They become deep and serious acquaintances. But in a friendship you get to know the spirit of another person; and your values coincide. Friends may disagree, but not about serious matters. A friend will stand for you when you are no longer able.” Maya Angelou 

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Thursday, June 25, 2020

Last night after work, Stan and I grabbed a plate of dinner to eat, walked outside to our deck and sat outside until the late hours of the night talking about all kinds of things and catching up about our day which was quite exciting and interesting. 

We always talk a lot and our conversations usually involve talking about errands that have to be ran, whatever is going on at the house with the girls, a story about our dog Daisy or the ordinary in and outs of our every day life.  You can say, boring stuff! 

Last night was different.  Last night I had a conversation with my best friend and the guy I fell in love with.  We talked about everything EXCEPT the things I mentioned above.  Every time we told a story, we almost knew what the ending would be and what our feelings were in the story we were sharing. 

We had dinner and dessert and then we just sat there for a few hours talking and talking and laughing some, supporting each other, and simply enjoying each other’s company.

Life is fleeting and moments like this one only come once in a while, and in that moment I realized the blessing of it. 

So very thankful for moments like the one we had last night, and for conversations that nurture my soul. ❤️

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Wednesday, June 24, 2020

Yesterday, was a week since I “unplugged” from my personal Facebook and Instagram accounts and it feels really good!!!

I had started to feel a little overwhelmed and anxious about the constant feeds and opinions and pictures and, and... and I knew I could do something about it. Something simple. 

I decided to focus on my blog social media accounts since that’s what feeds my soul and it really doesn’t give me extra access to anything else. I love journaling and cooking and sharing all the things that make my  “flower child” heart happy and alive.  

It’s been 8 days today, and I have to say that every day it feels better and I haven’t had a desire to go back and rethink my decision of staying away.  This is just temporary, I know that I will go back to it sooner rather than later and be part of some of the feeds that make me happy, but I also know that I will have to be very selective and filter those things that have potential of taking my peace away. 

It’s crazy to think how much social media has changed our world.  It wasn’t that long ago that it wasn’t part of our lives, or maybe I’m just in that “more mature” generation now, ha! 😉

I remember when Facebook launched, I believe in the early 2000’s, I refused to get an account and friends and family kept telling me how much fun it was and how I needed to connect.  I finally did in 2010 and I didn’t love it at first, but then I started to come across and reconnect with old friends and family member I had lost touch with and that was amazing! I do love that part of social media.

I’d like to think that life was indeed simpler without social media, but the fact that social media exits, doesn’t mean that it can control our lives either, we are in charge.

Disconnecting. Unplugging. Deactivating. Whatever it is we call it or we choose to do, I think it’s important that we do it every once in a while to regroup and recharge our souls and minds. 

Happy and Healthy Wednesday to All! ❤️

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Tuesday, June 23, 2020

A day that started with mixed emotions about a few things, lots of work, done and late work hours ended with an evening out at a friend’s house on her deck talking about kids, life and laughing about silly things. 

I don’t socialize a lot, I guess I don’t have a lot of friends that host parties and have get togethers, but every once in a while a group of friends I’ve known since my oldest was in kindergarten, gets together for dinner or drinks and we have so much fun when we do! 

After a very long day, I’m going to sleep with a very thankful heart for the lessons I learned today, the work I got done, and the conversations and laughs shared with great friends. 

Good night! ❤️

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Monday, June 22, 2020

I love friends that get me!!! ❤️☕️

A couple days ago I got a text from a friend saying “are you home? I have something for you!” I wasn’t home and the curiosity of not knowing what she was dropping off was getting the best of me! My family and I wouldn’t be home for a few hours and I could hardly contain my excitement. 

When we arrived late that day from a family wedding, I immediately rushed to the mailbox where my friend had placed my surprise and I found this BEAUTIFUL coffee cup!!! 😍

I am not one that loves to shop, I actually dislike shopping very much 😁, and I hardly ever get things for myself, half the time I don’t even feel I need anything, but when it comes to coffee cups, ok... that is very hard for me to pass on the opportunity to purchase a coffee cup I really like.  My collection of coffee cups is quite extensive but I have boxed some already to make room for a few other unique cups, like this one.  How awesome is this cup??? I’m in love! 🥰

As soon as my 22 year old daughter saw it she said “that is the most Maria cup I’ve even seen!” Haha she’s right, I love coffee and Jesus! 😉 My morning coffee and daily reflections/meditations on the porch is what keeps me fueled and going.

I’ve climbed a few “mountains” in life and I’ve fought a few battles, but my faith and the notion of knowing that I am never alone, has always been my biggest shield. 

My love for coffee definitely came from my dad.  I grew up seeing him have a cup of coffee the moment he woke up.  He would take his cup of coffee to the front or back porch and sit on a rocking chair in the front or patio stool in the back and simply be.  Whatever amount of time he spent drinking that cup of coffee, I know it meant the world to him. 

Isn’t there awesome that we can claim something ours even if it doesn’t cost a thing? A morning with a cup of coffee.  A moment for reflection and meditation.  A private session to dream and make plans.  A walk.  The silence of sitting outside alone and staring at the sky.  Those are some of my most precious possessions that really don’t cost a thing.

We had an excellent weekend and I’m feeling so thankful for all the amazing things we experienced, but now I’m ready to take on this week and planning on hitting the ground running with a few changes I’m determined to do regarding the way I fuel my body with food.  

Last night before I went to sleep, I was pleasantly surprised to see a feature on the Whole30 official Facebook page with a glimpse and testimony of my first round of Whole30 a year ago and it sparked something in me again.  Food heals no question about it and for me, it always determines how I feel physically and mentally, especially when it comes to balancing my lifelong journey with chronic pain. 

New week. New blessings. New me, every day. Thankful. Blessed. ❤️

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Sunday, June 21, 2020

Oh what a day! 🎶

First, let me just share how much fun we had at the wedding yesterday!!! It was truly one of the most special days we’ve experienced as a family in a while.  Even though the religious ceremony and reception had to be kept under 20 guests due to the virus, it ended up being so very special and the bride couldn’t have been more gracious  and humble about the experience and change of plans. Just beautiful in so many ways. ❤️

This morning my alarm went off at 6:30 am and after going to bed at almost 1 am after partying at the wedding, my body was screaming, “please, half hour more?!!” Well, that didn’t happen! I had to be at church first thing in the morning to finish up paperwork and sep up everything for live steaming and the first weekend of public masses after the reopening following Archdiocese guidelines.  

They say that if you choose a job you love, you never have to work a day in your life, and that couldn’t be more true for myself.  I really love my job.  I love serving a community of faith that is so generous and helpful and that works together for a common good.  Today was definitely a great work day! 

Right after work, we got into full Father’s Day celebration.  We ended up ordering seafood and salads from a local restaurant and eating an early dinner on our deck, it was such a beautiful day.  We talked and laughed and shared gifts and cool greeting cards for Stan, and after dinner we walked to a nearby ice cream place for root beer floats and milkshakes, yum!!!

Today was one of those days that at the end of the day, when you have finally settled in for the night you feel an incredibly amount of joy and gratitude no matter how tired your feet are.  

I am thankful for the father my daughters have.  I’m thankful for my job that teaches me so much every day.  I’m thankful for the people in my life and I’m especially thankful for my ability to feel joy in unmeasurable ways.  

Today was a GREAT day! ❤️

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Saturday, June 20, 2020

Today is a big day! We have a family wedding to attend and we are all so excited!!! 

This wedding was supposed to be the most extravagant event of the year, or any extravagant event we’ve been to anyways. 😉

It was supposed to be a destination wedding in Europe, everything had been booked and scheduled.  A three day event with a boat tour of the Baltic Sea, and many other amazing celebrations and stops, the invitation and itinerary sounded so extremely charming. 

Well, none of that will happen, maybe next year, the couple is still planning on celebrating in Europe somehow, their favorite destination spot. 

COVID put a stop to all that, but I’m proud of my husband’s nephew and fiancé for going ahead with their plans to get married regardless of how fancy or simple the ceremony and reception itself would be, after all, that’s not what really matters.  It’s nice, but it’s not the essence of a marriage for sure. 

Today, they will say their I do’s at a small church ceremony with the permitted number of guests that follows Archdiocese and government guidelines and after the church ceremony, a small reception will he held at the bride’s home to celebrate their love and union. 

My girls have never attended a wedding before, well, both have been flower girls but they don’t really remember those weddings, I think they spent the majority of the night sleeping on a chair at the reception banquet after working hard as flower girls all day! 😉

Both of my kids, now 22 and almost 18, are just so thrilled about this wedding regardless of how big or small it is.  The bride’s family is so much fun and so welcoming, they’ve made us felt like family from the moment we met. 

Looking forward to a beautiful day of love and commitment and also a migraine free day so I can fully enjoy the day... for me, it’s the little things that make the big picture.  My migraines have been a little naughty lately, and today I’m praying, crossing fingers and doing all that is in my power to be pain free so I can “dance the night away”, at our nephew’s wedding. 

Cheers to love that hopefully will last a lifetime! ❤️❤️

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Friday, June 19, 2020

Yesterday I spent the majority of the day on the couch with a stomachache.  This is unusual for me but I have been so busy lately that I have been ordering more take out food than usual and it’s catching up with me.  

Chipotle for the second time in the week on Wednesday put me pretty much right over the edge and I have decided not to get food from there in a while, something is not agreeing with me from that restaurant. 

On top of that I also had a migraine, so double the pain, yikes! I can handle one at a time, but both??? That was tough. 

Thankfully by the early evening I was feeling better and I could do a little more things, but I was also thankful to be able to take the time to rest and have remote access on my laptop for work to check on things from the confort of my couch. 

Speaking of work.  I really love my job.  I love it more now than I ever have before.  I am passionate about what I do, how I do it and the people that support me.  I have been busier than ever with so many projects and things to do, but no amount of hours are too many when you thrive about the things you do.  Working at a church office such offers such an incredible opportunity for service and interaction with some pretty amazing people, and that makes everything so much more valuable and worth working for.  I really do feel blessed for having the opportunity of doing what I do. 

My oldest daughter has been having a lot of issues with her wisdom teeth lately (lots of pain and discomfort) and yesterday she had an appointment with her dentist and was referred to an oral surgeon to have her wisdom teeth removed.  As much as this is a very unpleasant experience -I remember mine vividly- I know that it will change her lifestyle for the better by having it done.  It’s amazing how much dental health can affect your life in so many aspects. 

We have quite a few exciting things coming up at home in the next few months and it’s going to feel like a retreat after all that we have endured lately, individually and as a family and for that I am so happy!!! 

Love. Positive. Generosity. Friendship. Kindness.  These are just some of my favorite things. ❤️

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Thursday, June 18, 2020

One of my most sacred daily rituals is my porch sitting time.  I sit on my porch undoubtably every single day rain or shine.  My husband and my kids know that when I’m sitting on the porch, they cannot by any means disturb my peace with demands, concerns, complaints or anything that will take away the fleeting moment of serenity I’m experiencing at the moment.

However, they are more than welcome to join me, but only if the conversations revolve around pleasant things and dreamy thoughts.

There are very few things in life I can control, I feel like this one is one of those, and thankfully they know by now that when they see me sitting on the front porch bench, that’s my OM moment. 

On my porch I dream the biggest dreams, rejoice in all the good I have in my life, give thanks for the ordinary moments that make my life extraordinary.  I give praise for the people in my life that love me and support me and have my back day in and day out.  I look back at memories that transport me to the best moments of my childhood and then I walk away to start the day, fully embracing who I am and the life I lead.

So many things to be grateful for. ❤️

You don’t have to move mountains. Simply fall in love with life. Be a tornado of happiness, gratitude and acceptance. You will change the world just by being a warm, kind-hearted human being. ~ Anita Krizzan

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Wednesday, June 17, 2020

I deeply love moments in life that make us go “ah, this is what life is all about!” and immediately redirect our actions, plans, desires and focus.

Last night by pure accident I came across a new Netflix series called “Lenox Hill”.  A documentary series about a hospital in New York City that follows the lives of four medical professionals in the areas of neurosurgery, emergency medicine, and obstetrics and gynecology.

I admire people that dedicate their lives to serving others in any form, to me that is the humblest of actions and the true purpose of life.  Medical professionals take this service to another level, especially those who perform surgery.  They are not only people with brilliant minds that were given special gifts at birth, but also some of the most selfless people.  I once heard someone say that you had to have a certain level of arrogance to be a surgeon, and I think they are right.  

How could they not? How could you trust yourself enough going into brain surgery not feeling extremely positive and certain of your abilities?  CONFIDENT that by the moment the scalpel is placed into your hands you have the ability of changing someone’s life in so many ways.  It requieres a special level of confidence and certainty, not an easy task.

One moment that really captivated in the few episodes I watched of these series, was the way one of the Neurosurgeons starts every surgical procedure.  I can’t remember word by word but before he operated on a brain, he gathers all others doctors and medical professionals involved, asks them to close their eyes and then he says “Human being here, take 10 seconds (everyone inhales and exhales during that time) let’s focus on the work.”  Chills! How powerful is that!  Yes, brilliant minds, generous hearts, skilled hands, performing their own miracles on a human being. Simply powerful. 

These doctors have gone through years and years and years of education, training, practice, residency, and even after that, they spend the grand majority of their lives dedicated to helping and serving others in the operating rooms, and outside the OR. 

Each of these four doctors have their own personality and approach in the way they relate with their patients and it’s nice to see a little glimpse of their personal lives as well.

I was so fascinated by the series that I ended up watching three episodes and going to sleep after midnight and I almost contemplated watching the next episode but opted not to because I needed to get a good night’s sleep for work today. 

This might not seem like there could be any connection to how this documentary series redirected my current focus in life, but it did.  It made me realize how much time I had been wasting focusing on meaningless stuff on social media.  Things and pictures and posts that were taking my peace away, something I could easily control.

Right there and then I made a conscious decision (and I’m really hoping I can stick to it), to not check social media every day or as often as I have been lately.  I will only be sharing thoughts and plans and pictures on my blog page since that page doesn’t give me the option without really searching of visiting other pages.

As they say, control what you can, and this is a piece of calm AND peace that I can definitely control and at the same time focus more on what really matters to me and serving others in the best of my abilities. 

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Maya Angelou 

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Tuesday, June 16, 2020

I’m sitting in one of my favorite spots in the house, the deck.  Sipping fresh squeeze lemonade made by Stan and eating frozen grapes which my oldest daughter has me obsessed with!!! Yum, they are so delicious! 

I shared with a friend this morning about end of year travel plans, she said “it’s not even Summer yet, and you are thinking about the new year?!” and we both laughed! Ha!

The thing is, I’m kind of tired of this social distancing situation and heartbreaks for my kids especially, and I “escaping” to a far way and fun place seems like a good idea.

As they say, dreaming doesn’t cost a thing, and it sure make us experience the world around us a little lighter. 

Among many other things, right now I’m dreaming about taking an overnight Amtrak trip somewhere pretty.  I envision myself in a roommate, all by myself, my headphones, a book and a notepad and pen.  A cozy pillow and blanket and a hot cup of coffee, looking out the window and taking some pictures as the motion of the train in transit serenades my thoughts. 

I’m dreaming of a family vacation, somewhere peaceful and away from all the noise of the world and whatever unwelcome and unpleasant feelings we might be experiencing or have experienced.  A time for togetherness in a different, more laid back kind of way, where we can all recharge and appreciate the blessing of our family bonds. 

I’m dreaming of a visit to my hometown to visit my parents.  A visit when we can all feel safe and see each other without worry or spreading any type of virus.  A moment in time and an opportunity to simply be together and talk about life.  Have breakfast together, drink coffee, go out and explore the town and stay up until late into the night chatting and laughing and remembering stories from the past. 

I’m dreaming of a better and more peaceful world.  Days full of color and honesty, friendship and love.  

What an amazing gift we have in our lives to let our imagination take us to all those places and thoughts and dreams we may have.  The mind is kind. 

Dream a dream, it might surprise you. ❤️

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Monday, June 15, 2020

How is it mid June already?  Time is sure flying by!!!

Something special happened this morning.  I woke up exhausted from the day before after working all day long, literally from sunrise to sundown.  My alarm went off at 5:45 am and I could hardly keep my thoughts together.  

I went downstairs at approximately 7 am to make myself coffee and to my surprise, my oldest daughter was just walking in with an iced coffee (I had been craving iced coffee for a couple days) from a new local coffee shop that has the yummiest iced coffee.

That unexpected act of kindness warmed my heart immediately, but what really made me go “awww...” was our porch time conversations.  

We talked about many things.  Things we are passionate about, things that are perhaps taking some our peace away momentarily and mainly about the meaning of life.  

I am SO proud of being my kids mom.  I am so proud of the way they view the world around them, even with more centeredness and maturity that I do sometimes, especially when it comes to certain things, and especially proud of their integrity, faith and for where they choose to invest their energy. 

I talked to a friend of mine this morning about parenting and life with children in general and it made me realize even more about our incredible role as parents.  We teach them to be the best human beings they can be with words and the way we live our lives, and then we let them “fly” with the wings we help them grow.  What an amazing thing to witness! 

Today, I’m feeling a little extra thankful for the children that God placed in my care.  I think they are turning out to be quite remarkable people that I am proud to call mine... with wings to fly. ❤️

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Sunday, June 14, 2020

Today was a day like no other!  My heart felt many feelings for myself and also for the people I love.  I felt love, support, hurt, pride, encouragement, inspiration, disappointment, enthusiasm and the list could go on.  At one point, I didn’t know how I was managing to balance them all. Do you ever have days like that? I’m sure you do. 

My day started at 6:30 am, and by 8:15 am I was out the door heading over to the church to assist with the live stream for our Sunday Masses that are still being broadcasted over social media platforms due to coronavirus.  You’d think that by the fact that we are not quite yet open to the public we’d have less work, it’s actually the contrary.  There are SO many guidelines and protocols to follow established by the state, health departments and the Archdiocese itself, and we must follow them all for everyone’s safety and protection.

While I was knee deep in the live streaming of Masses and creating clip art for postings of such live streams, I had to deal with some unexpected family situations.  We are all good, everything is good, but some lessons were learned and my heart trembled a little.  Thank God for my family!!! I am surely blessed with the best husband and children the universe could’ve blessed me with.  Each day I am more certain of that. 

It’s past 9 pm, I just walked in and right away brewed myself a cup of tea to soothe me.  Longest work day in a while but the incredibly support of our volunteers amazes me every time! We have the most gracious group of human beings that are always ready and willing to help with whatever you need.  Work becomes light when you are surrounded by people that breath love and peace. 

June 14th was certainly interesting, and I might remember this day for a while, but I am thankful for the experiences, and all the projects accomplished. 

2020, I’m ready for you to show us your GOOD side, come one what are you waiting for???

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Saturday, June 13, 2020

Chicago, what is going on with the weather exactly and why is it 60 degrees right now at 11 am???  We gotta talk! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was supposed to be eating arugula salads right now in preparation for my nephew’s wedding at the end of the month, but instead I’m sitting on my porch enjoying my coffee AND a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich, what??? Somebody said lockdown and everything went out the door... ay!  For right now, I will enjoy this fully and get back on my “eat more veggies” wagon on Monday, decision made, that was easy peasy.

This morning has been great so far, and I’m praying the rest of the day flows as good as it has so far.  I was in the office before 8 am making sure things were ready for the many Baptisms we have scheduled today.  Following new health guidelines due to the virus has meant a lot more work and paperwork, but what I am always incredibly amazed about is the selfless disposition of our volunteers.  We have an increíble team of volunteers that are ready the moment you say “we need you.” They make our church operation go round and round, that is for sure and I couldn’t do half of what I do without their help, so thankful!!! 

I saw a video this morning that made me think about my childhood and the many wonderful lessons my mother taught me when I was growing up.  Among the many lessons, these are some that have always stuck with me more than others, and have given me strength to raise my own family. 

PRAY. Keep faith as the center of your life.  

Treat everyone with respect.  

Be polite and welcoming.

Be helpful around the house.

Don’t gossip.

Donate to charitable causes. 

Stay positive and joyful. 

Take care of the earth.

The list could go on and on and I could probably develop a story about each of those qualities I deeply admire about my mother and the lessons she’s taught me, but that would take a while. 

I am grateful for having a mother that has always modeled the best qualities of a human being simply by living a life of integrity, love and honesty.  How blessed are my brothers and I? ❤️

Our children are not only listening to what we say, but watching us with very observant eyes.  May we always strive to be an example of faith, dignity, integrity, acceptance and love to our children. 

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Friday, June 12, 2020

Today I made one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time.  I took half a day off from work, picked up salads for my husband and I and we took the food to a nearby park and ate lunch outdoors.  I SO needed that! 

At one point before we left he said “can we just eat out on the deck?” Ah, NO! I really wanted to be out looking at a different scenery, away from the noise from home, and all the daily demands.

This lockdown has meant that our entire family has been together pretty much 24/7 for 3 months tomorrow.  Don’t take me wrong, I love my family but the romanticism of this experience has worn out for me and I’m starting to feel a little overwhelmed  by everyone’s opinions and ways of doing things.  Having young children is one thing, but older children, a very different story, it’s like learning to dance the tango all over again. 

It was great to sit out, get some fresh air, talk about things we haven’t been able to talk about, and be together with just my husband.  I like the guy, I really do. 

I am, however, enjoying the time with all four of us together because I know that too will end soon, and most likely it will be years or never again until we can be together again for a long period of time, doing family life together.  

The eldest is starting her new life as an adult in a different state many, many miles away from us, and the youngest is going away to College out of state as well.  Life changes so quickly.

As I’m writing this, I just realized the conflict of feelings.  In one hand, I’m craving privacy and quiet time, and on the other hand, I’m already longing more family time that I know won’t come as often and spontaneous anymore in the future.  Let the waterfall begin!

Either way, I’m so thankful that Stan and I were able to “sneak” out and be together by ourselves even for a couple of hours, and in the midst of a busy day, maybe this weekend we’ll have a family picnic, trying to keep the balance flowing! 😉

Happy Friday! ❤️

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Thursday, June 11, 2020

All week I’ve thought it was Thursday, I guess Thursday finally arrived, and no it’s not that special. 😉

I’m sitting in my usual coffee spot on the porch thinking about my parents and brothers who are close to 2,000 miles away from me.  It’s been too long since I last saw them and I’m missing them all, especially my mom. 

I’m trying to decide on the best time to go visit, a time when everything will flow and I can’t come up with that day yet, but I know I will soon, and I pray that day is this year.  2020 has already shifted so many plans for our family, but I hope it doesn’t shift this one. 

Yesterday we stayed up late watching a movie, and even though I thought for a minute what bad of an idea it was to start a 2.5 hour movie at 9 pm was, I really enjoyed the time we spent in the same room, the four of us, doing something together, I know those are fleeting moments and we should take advantage of them as much as we can. 

I have a busy day ahead, but some cool projects to work on, so that should be enough to keep me motivated for the day. 😉❤️

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Wednesday, June 10, 2020

Today I had my first cleaning appointment back at the dentist during the lockdown and even though I’ve been to the dentist once during the pandemic for a dental emergency, this water cleaning was like no other.

I’ve always loved cleaning appointments but I have to say this one with all the protocols and special ways of doing things, got me a little panicked, especially the strange water suctioning device they put in my mouth since they are limiting the number of people assisting during visits and also meeting health guidelines. 

For the first time in forever I have to say that I didn’t quite “enjoy” my dentist visit today, although I did love the feeling of having my teeth cleaned,  I hope that by my next visit in the winter, things will go back to normal and I won’t have to have that device put in my mouth during the cleaning, yuck!

The good part about today’s visit was a stop at a new coffee shop by our house with delicious iced coffees that I might go back and purchase again soon.

A dentist visit day that was not so good but balanced by a yummy coffee treat? I call this a win, win! ☕️

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Tuesday, June 9, 2020

Today I’m starting a “story time” series for children at the church where I work and I can’t even tell you how excited I am about this project!!! I hope all the children that will watch it, along as their families will love it as much as I’m hoping they will.  The person helping me make this a reality has been an educator for many decades and I have always admired the way she relates to young children.  I’m very excited! 📖

Do you know how much time I’ve spent lately researching vacation destinations? A lot! I might not be able to go away anywhere just yet, but planning and dreaming and thinking about it, doesn’t cost a thing. 

A year ago today, my youngest daughter and I were vacationing in Miami for a couple of days after disembarking from our 10 day cruise to the  Caribbean’s.  Ahhh, what a lovely, amazing and exciting trip that was, I’ll be 95 years old and I will still be talking about it I’m sure, but two days my daughter and I stayed in Miami by ourselves exploring, going to the beach, eating ice cream and eating outdoors, will forever stay in my heart.  I love those one on ones with my kids.  We had such a lovely time, and I’m ready to repeat it. Sun, ocean waves and carefree fun... where are you? I miss you already! ☀️

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Monday, June 8, 2020

I had written about something completely different for today’s journal page and then the website I use was down for a while when I was trying to upload what I wrote, so I decided to navigate the “lovely” neighborhood of social media in the meantime and to my surprise I came across a post that a motivational speaker I’ve followed for some time now shared on her page.

She announced that she and her husband had decided to end their marriage.  It was a “sweet” and short announcement, asking their followers for respect as they navigate this decision. 

Was I shocked? Yes. 

Did I ever think they were a perfect couple even through their many glorious posts in their social media platforms? Absolutely not! 

Social media and real life are two completely different things and even though social media influencers some time tend to portray a perfect picture life, I hope we know better than to believe that they have fairytale lives.

What was most shocking to me when I read the news on her post was some of the comments on her feed following the news, especially one that said something between the lines of “if your marriage couldn’t survive, what hope do we have?” REALLY people???

Are we really going to look up to someone on social media to the point where we will try to imitate our lives to theirs?!  I can’t think of one single couple right now that could convince me of that.  I will always try to just focus on mine, that’s enough to keep me busy. 

The truth is, marriage is HARD, and it’s definitely not perfect and if anyone has ever made you to believe that their marriage flows in harmony ALL the time, they are not being honest with you and most importantly, with themselves. 

My husband and I will be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary next spring and I could probably write a book about the many ups and downs we’ve had in our marriage.  

Some years were harder than others, some days are definitely more pleasant than others, but we sure try harder than heck to make it work.  Sometimes, marriages don’t work despite all the hard work put into it, and that’s ok, people have to make their own choices and decisions that ultimately work best for themselves and their families.  Peace first. 

Our marriage has gone through many phases.  The unexpected challenges of raising a young family with no support system around other than ourselves, that was tough.  Some years we’ve had financial hardship, other years, health challenges, but as the years go by and we grow older and more mature even more so as a couple, I can honestly say that I’ve learned to appreciate our marriage even more.  

Does that mean we never have disagreements and conflict anymore now that we are older and have been together for all these years? Absolutely not! 

We will always have to work at understanding each other.

We will always have to work at accepting each other.

We will always have to work at tolerating each other from time to time.

And we will always have to work at trying to understand why we act and react in certain ways when challenged by the unexpected.

There are also many amazing, wonderful things that make our marriage so worth it, and those qualities are the breath of fresh air and the motivation we need to keep going when we feel a little challenged by life. 

May we learn to respect people’s decisions.  May we learn to never compare our lives to others.  And may we always remember, that behind every smile, there is a story. ❤️

Peace to all! ✌🏻

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Sunday, June 7, 2020

For the first time in a long, long time, probably since the stay at home order started, I slept for 8 solid hours and a little more.  

For the past weeks and months I haven’t really been able to sleep much. Busy brain, worrying too much about everything, restless about everything, whatever you may want to call it but I think my body finally said “enough!” and it had a little conversation with my brain and they decided to cooperate with each other and get a good night sleep. 😉

What a difference sleep does to your body, wow I feel so much more refreshed now and ready to start the day.

I’ll be heading out the door shortly to do the technology/marketing part of our live stream Sunday Masses at church.  It’s so stressful to get them going because anything could malfunction last minute, but after a few weeks that uneasy feeling is starting to fade a little. 

I’m excited to come home in the afternoon and just RELAX!!! It has been an intense week and weekend already and I really want to sit on my deck and spend some time with my family.  That simple practice sounds so glorious right now. Thank goodness I really love my job... 

Today is National ice cream day and in that honor, I have decided (just now actually 😂) that I will have a chocolate milkshake tonight.  Amazing, how quickly the level of happiness for the day can be upgraded by one simple word “ice cream”. ❤️🍦

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Saturday, June 6, 2020

Wow, what a day today has been!!!

I just saw down for the first time since I woke up this morning at 6:30 am to go to work and I’m truly, really enjoying my porch sitting while I sip my iced coffee and think about all the wonderful people that showed up today to help with the food drive at the church where I work. 

So many volunteers working tirelessly, and SO many parishioners, neighbors and friends of friends that drove to the church to donate food for those in greater need. 

We were keeping track of the many cars that drove up to drop off food, and I lost count at number 100.  It truly was a revolving door of cars, nonstop activity from 9 am until 12:30 pm and then after the volunteers had packed up and gone home, I got a few calls at the church office from people still wanting to drop off donations which we happily said yes of course, come on by!!! 

I wish everyone could feel the love and energy around the church food pantry.  The volunteers are some of the most gracious people I know, and when we have food drives, it’s really awesome to see our community come together for a common good. 

If you donated to the food drive today, THANK YOU!!! If you couldn’t make it today, and would like it to donate in the future, we will have another good drive in July! 😉❤️

Today, we also had the “official” reopening of Baptisms at the church.  One child was baptized and the family was so amazing at understanding and following the current health guidelines by the Archdiocese. 

We also had an incredible group of volunteers (reopening team), help with the Baptism and they did an outstanding job.  There is so much that goes into services like a Baptism, and on top of the regular procedures, we not had to add many, many more procedures to work within the required guidelines.  I seriously couldn’t be prouder of the incredible group of people I have the honor of working with, our volunteers inspire me. 

And speaking of incredible.  I have to give Father John Hoffman, the current Parish Administrator at CHS a HUGE shoutout for not only his leadership but most importantly, his discipleship.  A man that walks the talk and talks the walk.  A faithful Christian never intimidated to speak up about the issues troubling our world right now, and one that is constantly looking for ways to serve better and more.  Our community of faith has been so incredibly blessed with his presence, and for me personally, I can say that he has transformed my spiritual life and the way I see the world around me in many ways.  Blessed are we for knowing him and having the opportunity to work and do ministry alongside. 

My feet are very tired today -literally- with so much back and forth and so much going on at church after a long week at work, but I wouldn’t have done it any other way, our volunteers inspire me and our ministries that give me new hope for the future. ❤️

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Friday, June 5, 2020

Yesterday, after asking a couple of my family members to go on a walk with me and getting a whole lot of excuses, I decided to go by myself because I needed to get out after being cooped up in an office all day. 

As I was walking I was thinking about how this lockdown started back in March.  Although it was a very uncertain and difficult time because routines had to be interrupted and we didn’t really know the severity of the virus, we still tried to make it as pleasant as possible.

Every day almost, we cooked elaborate meals, many times we cooked together, the girls baked; we had family movie night, we binge watched Netflix specials and would stay up until the next morning mesmerized by movies with actors we love.  Music was played in the kitchen and many other parts of the house and everything seemed to “flow” in harmony despite the strange circumstances we were living under.

Well folks, the romanticism is OVER!

Ok, don’t be too alarmed! It’s not like things have completely changed, but they are very different now.  The girls are ready to move on with their lives, and resume normal activities but they are still worried that they might compromise our healths by doing so.  My thinking is, we have to start doing life again soon, it could be a couple years before a vaccine could be marketed, and are we going to continue to live this way until then? It’s so challenging. There is no right answer, and everyone has to make a living, most of us outside of our homes. Tough situation. 

I’ve been back to work for a few weeks now, we are following super strict virus guidelines at the office and everyone has been awesome about it. Masks are being worn and social distance has been kept at all times.  How long will we continue to do that... sounds like there is no date in sight. 

Since I’ve been back at work, the cooking together sessions have stopped, there is no time for that. Everyone seems a little cranky if I were to be honest and we have to work on trying to be the most pleasant when we are all together at home. 

Today is day 83 of the lockdown.  83 days of togetherness, 83 days of uncertainty.  83 days of thinking “if I go out, would I be at risk? Would I put myself at risk?” 83 days of ups and downs, 83 days of not knowing what the future will look like for the girls as far as professions and school, 83 days of “what are we having for dinner today”, 83 days of... EIGHTY THREE DAYS. 

It feels good to be completely honest about life.  Sometimes (I’d say most times actually) social media presents such a fairy tale of events because we tend to share all the pleasant and fun things, which is great, we need lots of that, but life is also boring, annoying, ordinary, and blah. And a lockdown can do that to you. 

I have to say that my walked helped me a lot last night.  I walked and walked and walked until I came across a park I had never been to before where families with young children were going on walks.  Another family was taken their new puppy out on a walk. A couple young children were trying to figure out a way how to play around the “do not enter” tape wrapped around the playground, a basketball court was being used by four teenagers, one of them wearing a mask and gloves, and I could almost hear her mom (I don’t know him, just presuming), saying “if you want to go out and play with your friends, you better wear a mask and gloves!” He did! We all do what’s best for us, and we try to enjoy life with what has been offered to us, for the moment. 

I will continue to find joy in my walks, the deck, my beloved porch and in the beauty that surrounds me when spring appears and flowers are blooming and birds are chirping.  And perhaps, maybe we’ll even cook a meal together this weekend... stay tuned! 😉💛

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Thursday, June 4, 2020

It’s been a busy day today so far, but lucky for me I woke up early enough to drink my coffee on the porch and meditate.  I’m loving my time on the porch so much these days that when I don’t spend even a few minutes on the porch with my coffee before I head out to go to work, I feel like something is missing. 

This morning I had a pretty awesome (and hard) conversation with a friend that I really trust to share anything about my life.  That’s a huge blessing if you think about it.  We might be able to share some things with some people, a little more with others, but when you find someone that you can share EVERYTHING with, hold them and keep them close to you. 

Our conversation was thought provoking, reflective, painful and very real.  Our world is upside down right now, or maybe not.  Maybe, it’s the way it’s always been, except now that we’ve been “inconvenienced” about many different things, we are taking the opportunity to really analyze who we are and how the world, the people around us react to certain things. It’s very eye opening.

Yesterday I went back to work at the Funeral Home for the first time since the lockdown was put into place in March, and the experience of being there and assisting a family grieving their family member during these tough, social distancing times, was heart wrenching.  It’s tough enough having to say goodbye to a loved one, but having to say goodbye under the new health guidelines, adds a lot more layers to the grief.  I came home a little consumed and spent from the experience, but at the same time, I was thankful for the little support I was able to provide to the family.  Wrapping them and all families grieving the loss of a family member right now, in love. 

One day at a time, that’s all I can do. ❤️

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Wednesday, June 3. 2020

Last night I had a dream that the local public library had lifted the lockdown order and was now opened for business, AND... wait for it... they were now “loaning” coffee cups!!! 😂

Can’t even tell you the thrill I felt when I heard the news because I was starting to get bored repeating the coffee cups I use for my morning coffee every day.  In my dream (of course 😉), I was holding two beautiful coffee cups I had found on a shelf and as I was approaching the check out counter I had my doubts “what if they are infected with the virus? What if someone with dirty hands touched them? What if...” and unfortunately my alarm went off before I could find out what happened.  I wish I could say “to be continued...” but doubt that’d happened! 😂

Yesterday I spent a good amount of time longing for my hometown in Mexico, like really missing everyone, the places, the spaces, the smells, the warmth, the hospitality, the everything, and although I’ve never been to Cancun before, this cup spoke to me when I opened my kitchen counter looking for the “perfect” Wednesday cup. 

I spoke over the phone with my mom twice yesterday.  The first time it was a normal phone conversation and we couldn’t talk too long because I had to go back to work after my lunch break but I promised I’d call again but this time we would have a video call.  

I sat on my deck last night for over 4 hours, and it was glorious.  The weather couldn’t have been more perfect.  My mom asked me to describe it for her, (we are big time hippies her and I), and I did. I almost felt her presence next to me as I was explaining how the cool wind felt on my skin, how quiet it was outside, how the silence of the night felt good in my soul, and how much I was enjoying that moment.  My mom said “that sounds beautiful.” ❤️

As we continued our conversation via video call, I could tell that my visually impaired mother who has never really complained about her disability and definitely never brings it up, was having a hard time “focusing” on the camera of the phone.  Throughout our conversation, I saw the ceiling a lot, in some parts of it, I saw the top of her head, and one in a while, I’d get a glimpse of her eyes really trying hard to focus in order to catch a glimpse of my face. 

I’d like if I said this experience didn’t crush me a little, I had some tears while we talked, but I didn’t share that with her. How can I take her joy and spirit of optimism away from her? Regardless of what I “saw” during our conversation, it was so amazing and refreshing to see HER, to see the walls that surround her and keep her safe and to see the essence of who she is. 

My mother is an exceptional human being.  A faith warrior and a person of great integrity in every way and I will forever be blessed to have been placed in her care. ❤️

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Tuesday, June 2, 2020

If there was a joy meter for when I sit on my deck in the evenings, I’m sure it would burst! 

As soon as I walked in from work today I changed into comfy clothes, took my dinner plate and headed outside to sit on the deck.  It’s been 3 hours since that moment, and I’m still sitting outside. 

Nothing gives me more pleasure in the nicer weather months than sitting outside, having conversations with my family, munching on snacks or fruit and sipping Stan’s fresh squeezed lemonade.  Glorious!

We are living uncertain times in many ways.  The world seems to be upside down almost literally, and feeling helpless about the many issues our cities, our county is facing, has been particularly hard, but I’m thankful largely diverted in many ways that provokes and welcomes interesting conversation. 

I pray for peace. I pray for understanding.  I pray for guidance.  I pray for strength, and especially today, I pray for equality. 

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Monday, June 1, 2029

There is so much hurt going on in the world right now. So much unfairness. So much I want to share and say and speak my truth and what’s really heavy in my heart, and I pray that I will be gifted and guided with the right words one day.

One of the saddest things to me is the division within our society about something that shouldn’t need too much explanation. 

There is some I don’t agree with, and a LOT I’m learning about. 

I choose to continue to educate myself in the topic of racism. To really listen to the pain my children are experiencing by the unfairness they are witnessing. 

We have a long way to go... 

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Sunday, May 31, 2020

It’s 3 pm and I am just walking in from work since I left my house at 8:15 this morning. 

There is so much to do and prepare when we live stream Masses and the thought of something going wrong with the technology that we use, sound, or just anything, it’s enough to keep you from sleeping at night.  Thankfully, things couldn’t have gone better today, the Holy Spirit really came through on Pentecost Sunday. 

The Cardinal just appointed a new Pastor to the church where I work.  We’ve been waiting for this news for a few months now, and in the midst of a global pandemic, racial injustice, and so much violence around us, the news of having a new Pastor is truly a great blessing. 

I met the new Priest coming to CHS a few months ago and he seems super nice, and friendly, but I know I will greatly miss the current priest helping us right now, just thinking about saying goodbye makes me want to cry. He is one of the finest and most spiritual, kind human beings I’ve ever had the honor of meeting.  Ugh, transitions are hard!

My job as a “church lady” has not always been easy, I’ve had some obstacles and some tough days as well, but moments like the ones we’ve experienced in the past few days, moments of hope and faith, are the ones that feed my soul. 

And on that note... I think I’ll celebrate all these wonderful church news and moments with some ice cream. 😊🍦

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Saturday, May 30, 2020

Some of my favorite childhood memories are definitely celebrating birthday parties. 

My mom was the QUEEN of throwing the most awesome birthday parties for my brothers and I, she didn’t hold anything back.

Our birthday parties always had a theme, the cakes were the most elaborate works of art back in the day and my mom always made sure that every member of our family matched to perfection and looked their best for the ONE of few pictures to commemorate such event. 

I grew up in a pre-social media era. People didn’t even use or own cameras the way we do now and phones were far away from the minds of everyone.  This makes me appreciate my mom’s efforts to throw incredible birthday parties at a different level. 

I don’t have a lot of pictures from my childhood, I don’t even own a single video of myself as a baby, toddler or young child.  I don’t even have a video of myself as a teen, and even though it’d be absolutely fantastic to be able to see that type of footage, I admire my mom’s efforts and ability to always make sure that our special days were marked with great love in our minds and hearts. 

Here is to the days of making memories when I just thought we were having fun! ❤️

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Friday, May 29, 2020

I love Summer, I love Summer, I love Suuuumer... 😍🎶

Ok, it’s not quite Summer yet, BUT it feels like Summer, especially when I look out the sliding door in the family room and I see our our patio furniture inviting me to join and have meals outdoors, I call it the official unofficial day of Summer at our house and yesterday we celebrated by having lunch on our deck and it felt glorious!!!

Eating outdoors does something to my spirit and for some reason, even food tastes better that way.

One of my favorite things to experience when I visit my hometown in Mexico is the almost mandatory BBQ’s we have with my family.  There is so much love put into those meals, every bite tastes like a tiny piece of heaven.  Once the side dishes have been prepared and the meat and veggies are on the grill, the moving of the large kitchen table at my parents home to go outside for the meal gathering fees like a ritual to me.  I absolutely love watching that happen, it makes me so happy!!! 

My mom’s kitchen table is very large and it’s made of solid and heavy wood and even just thinking about it now makes me smile really big! 

I believe my parents bought that table when I was around 9 years old, which means that table has been in existence and part of our family for almost four decades.  I’ve had thousands of meals at that table, shared many conversations, had some stupid arguments there too with my youngest brother who for some reason him and I always found something to disagree on which drove my poor mother crazy! I’ve laughed at that table SO many times, I’ve cried there too, I’ve seen aunts and uncles “claim” their spot at that table when they visit.  So much coffee has been poured on people’s cups on that table also, and if that table could speak, I’m sure it’d become a best seller. 

Good weather, outdoor eating, cooking together and sharing conversations during a meal, will always be one of my favorite ways to celebrate life. 

Hooray for the arrival of outdoor meals!!! 💛

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Thursday, May 28, 2020

Has the fear of judgement ever stopped you from doing something? From pursuing your dreams? Accomplishing goals? From being the best version of YOU???

I’ve had my moments.  Ive had plenty of moments believe me.

I’ve had moments of doubt when I’ve thought “well,  maybe I shouldn’t do this, maybe I should just let it go... maybe I shouldn’t share my truths and my life...” but the real truth is that I LOVE exploring my creative self, my hippy soul, my quirky side and digging deep into my soul, and  allowing myself to be completely vulnerable by sharing it with you all. 

One day, I almost gave up. I let myself get carried away by assumptions or voices in my head with questions like “what would so and so think? Would she/they make fun of it? Would they judge? Would they be critical? Would they gossip? Would they... would they... would they...” Ugh, those questions in our heads can be so damaging!!!

Lucky for me, it was almost simultaneously that I thought, “NONE of that matters Maria. why are you doing this to yourself?! WAKE UP!!!”

When we fully believe in ourselves, when we are confident of the gifts we bring to the world, whatever that gift is -and we ALL have gifts- and when we decide to put aside the many misconceptions floating around blocking us from sharing our light with others, that’s when we can truly thrive. 

One day, encouraged by my own inner voice I decided to put aside expectations and limitations set by others and keep dreaming and exploring.  The older I get, the more I embrace and appreciate the lessons I learn every day.

Sometimes, even those “what would they...” moments and questions in my mind, inspire me to stand taller and stronger and simply GO FOR IT! ❤️

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Wednesday, May 27, 2020

I woke up this morning to a voice memo from my youngest brother. A fragment of Bach’s prelude, a difficult piece to play, and a piece that requires pedals from a piano or organ at the most minimum, but he only has a keyboard and he’s taught himself to play these classical pieces (he’s sent many others) by figuring out a way to play the sound of the pedals by using his left hand, for someone that is not musically gifted like me, all this is mind blowing. 

I have always admired his intelligence. From a very young age he demonstrated abilities and gifts that were in a way foreign to us. His elementary school recommended that he’d be tested and when he was in grade school he started attending a gifted school in addition to regular school and my mom also enrolled him in some art classes, because he always expressed interest in that area.  He has always been a different type of brainy human, but what I admire most about him is the humbleness in those unusual gifts he possesses.  He is the quietest about it, he never talks about his gifts and artistic abilities, but I’m beyond thankful that we share the bond we do, because I get to see, and hear all the creativity his brain and soul produces, AND he has his proud big sister to show him off! 😃

I was born into an artistic family.  I grew up reading poetry my mother wrote, and watching her paint on canvas.  My grandmother played the piano, my mom’s big brother was inventing something ALL the time, I don’t remember a time he wasn’t working on a patent, he couldn’t be any other way. My cousin (mom’s side also) has natural abilities for painting and drawing, and I have a daughter that would rather create and be on a stage performing for 20 hours a day barely making a living and working towards creating a future in that field, rather than working a 9-5 desk job with a secure and comfortable paycheck. 

Art feeds the soul.  Art let’s you see the world from a different angle.  Art changes life around you.  Art frees you. Art allows you to see other dimensions of life.  Art heals.  Art gives purpose to the meaning of life. Art can be found anywhere. 

For myself, I can truthfully say that some of my happiest moments have been those when I’ve been exposed to classical ballet, classical music, theater and poetry that touches every cell of my body.  Those forms of art have always moved me in a special way, along with nature.  Art and nature, how lovely are those two words together. 

Now, read the quote below. I guess Bach and I DO have something in common! 😉

“Without my morning coffee I’m just like a dried up piece of roast goat.” — Johann Sebastian Bach

Same Mr. Bach, same. ☕️

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Tuesday, May 26, 2020

Yesterday I thought a lot about my mom, I longed for her presence and the moments we had together when I was growing up, the walks we took and the conversations we’d often have,  many of which were on our front porch in my hometown in Mexico. 

I remember inviting her out to eat on my paydays, it felt like a celebration and I always wanted to make her world a happier place.

What I’d give to be closer to my mom and stop by when I want to hug her and have a cup of coffee with her or when I’m feeling lonely or need to talk to someone that can simply listen and see my points of view. 

But enough of that sentimental stuff because I don’t want to start my day with teary eyes. 😁

Some of the things I loved most about being my mom’s daughter...

• The children’s books she wrote to us when we were young and that she’d read at night by our bedside before going to sleep. 

• Her cooking!!! My mom could always make the most delicious meal with the least of ingredients, maybe it was because she made it. 

• My mom was always so elegant and poised when I was growing up, it made me proud to walk beside her. She had a special way of carrying herself. 

• Our front porch conversations. Whenever I saw her sitting on one of our rocking chairs, I had to join her, sometimes we talked about deep things that were bothering her at the moment, some other times (most times) we simply talked about whatever was going on in our world at the moment. Those were my favorite moments.

There are many things I miss about my mom, but the biggest one of all, is her presence. I wish I could get on a plane right now and visit her, and I’m grateful for still having that option.  Sometime soon.

The older I get, the more I appreciate her life in mine. ❤️

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Monday, May 25, 2020

Today is the first day that I get to sit on our deck!!! The first day off (literally) since the lockdown started.  I’ve worked weekdays and weekends just the same, and this feels glorious.  The first day I get to feel the cool air of the morning on my skin and sip my coffee completely carefree, barefoot, shorts and T-shirt style and to say that my heart is smiling from the inside out and outside in, would be an understatement. I am THAT happy! ❤️

Speaking of happy.  I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting about the things and people that make me truly happy! Not just the kind of “that was fun...” kind of happy moment, but the moments that leave me with a deep yearning for more of that level of joy and gratitude that every cell of my body exclaims, “THAT’S what I want in my life, those are the people I want to be surrounded with... those are the moments I want to embrace and cherish forever.” 

I’ve been on this earth for almost five decades, most of those years I’ve spent  pleasing others in a way or trying to prove something, and not in a negative way, I think that’s nature as human beings and we’ve all been “there” as some point of other. 

My childhood was interesting, a happy one, but it also had some challenges, and every time I look back I can find countless moments when I was trying to make the world around me a happier place for everyone else and that too was a burden at times, because I often felt the need to put aside who I was or what I needed at the moment to make sure everyone else was doing ok.  It wasn’t always easy, but if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change much. 

As I slowly move into my fifth decade of life, I can’t help it but to think about what the rest of my life will look like, and I say it in the most positive and honest possible way, that’s life, that’s real life.  We are all getting there and that’s a privilege and a gift! 

As my kids get older and quickly fly off the nest so to speak, I quickly realize where I really want my focus my energy as I start a brand new chapter in life.

I hope for many carefree days of relaxation, play and some late nights (and by late nights I’m talking 11 pm MAX, let’s keep this honest people! 😂), with friends talking on my deck or porch, sharing REAL life moments, conversations where the level of vulnerability shared is equal, and honesty and genuineness is the center of every conversation. 

Realness.  Honesty. Genuineness. LOVE. Pure Joy. 

Life will always present challenges, we’d be fooling ourselves trying to pretend that life is a walk in the park every single day.  I’m sure even Dalai Lama himself has had his share of challenges. 

I want people in my life that when they come to me they say “you know what, today SUCKED, today was not a good day, my kids challenged me, my husband (or significant other) drove me crazy, I wanted to run away for a brief moment...” and then we talk about how we’ve felt exactly the same on some occasions and how it’s valid to feel ALL those things! 

I also want people in my life that when I share about the things I’ve accomplished or the pride I feel about experiences and opportunities I share about my children (especially that! 😉), and moments of life when things seem to work in harmony, they feel genuine love and admiration and pride for my life and a feeling of wanting to celebrate with me as well and viceversa.

Life is simply TOO short!!! Life is TOO precious!!! Life is simply too BEAUTIFUL and worth “handcrafting” it to make it our own and the way it makes our soul burst with joy. 

Cheers to new beginnings, cheers to the beginning of outdoor breakfasts and fresh air on my skin... ✌🏻☀️

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Sunday, May 24, 2020

Today couldn’t have been busier, but it was also a wonderful day!

I sipped my coffee at my office desk today uploading videos and editing files, maybe tomorrow I’ll have more carefree moments to fully enjoy my first cup of coffee of the day. 

I almost didn’t journal here today because I am just too exhausted from a really busy week, but I know one day I’ll look back and be glad at least I captured part of the day. 

Good night, tomorrow is another day. 🌙

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Saturday, May 23, 2020

“What a beautiful morning...” 🎶

Ok, it’s not morning anymore, but it was a beautiful morning, and it’s been a great day so far! 

I have worked endless hours lately or so it seems, and today I decided to take the day off and simply ENJOY the day doing anything my heart desire which at the moment is, nothing! 😃

Stan made petite breakfast sandwiches for him and I and we sat on the porch this morning before the girls woke up and had breakfast together while we sipped our coffee and talked and talked.  I love moments like that, simple moments are my favorite moments. 

We started going through some of Bella’s High School mementos and boxing them for keepsake purposes and boy oh boy did that little activity bring all kinds of emotions to Stan and I... it’s definitely fun to start a new chapter as empty nesters, but it will take some time adjusting and getting used to the idea that our lives will change drastically and that life as we knew it with our kids at home will never be the same.  We are ready to start that new chapter and excited to see where our girls’ lives will take them.

Today, I’ve also spent the day recovering from a migraine I got yesterday and I feel thankful for the opportunity to simply be at home and not have to worry about any commitments or responsibilities, although my husband who can never stop being productive tried to twist my arm into organizing some area of the house, but I had the courage to bravely say “thank you, no thank you, not today honey!” Ok, I don’t call him honey, but you get where I’m going... 😉

The girls have been gone on a walk for over two hours now and it makes my heart SO happy knowing that they are so close and that they love each other so much. Nothing really makes me happier actually, truth! 

We just put out patio furniture out for the first time this Summer and I can already picture endless outdoor meals and chats with family and friends.  

COVID I think we are kind of done with you... ready for healthier and happier beginnings! ❤️

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Friday, May 22, 2020

You know it’s a busy day when you get to actually “sit down” at 11 pm, just wow! 

I spent the day between work projects, in and outs and then the afternoon into the evening at some pretty locations while my youngest daughter had her High School Senior pictures taken.  How time flies, it really does feel like yesterday that she was walking into the High School as a Freshman. 

I’m glad we waited this long to get her Senior pictures taken because I really wanted this moment captured the way she is at Graduation.  They changed so much at this age, and she even cut 12 inches of hair lately which completely changed her look.  

It made me happy seeing her joy and feeling of accomplishment, I hope she’s as proud of herself as we are of her for all the things she’d done. 

The chapters for elementary years and secondary education are over now, but a brand new one will begin in the Fall.  An opportunity for new beginnings, new adventures, new places, a fresh start... 

Beyond proud of being her mom. ❤️

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Thursday, May 21, 2020

A very long work day for me today, but at least I got to sit on my porch to drink my coffee and reflect on all the Graduation events from yesterday, and that brought me a lot of joy. 

Today, was also a special day aside from all the work, because I had a super nice and meaningful conversation with a dear friend.  The older I get, the more I appreciate meaningful conversations and honest friendships.  Life is too short to focus on things that take our peace of mind. 

My youngest daughter and I participated in a car parade for one of our friend’s daughter who also graduated from High School and on the way home we bumped into some friends we hadn’t seen in a long time and then other friends joined and before we knew it, we were all visiting and talking and laughing and for a short moment it felt like life was somewhat back to “normal”.   You know, when we say “don’t take things for granted...” this definitely applies to these times of separation when even a casual conversation with friends in person becomes a big ordeal. 

Ending the day with a very thankful heart.  Thankful for my job, thankful for a nice spring day, thankful for the amazing friendships in my life and most of all; thankful for life. ❤️

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Wednesday, May 20, 2020

Today, my baby girl graduated from High School and it seems a little surreal to me to think that we are officially done with elementary school years in our family. 

Stan and I started off the morning by having coffee (tea for him) on our porch, talking about life, our daughters, the role that faith plays in our lives and everything else in between.  It was a great way to start this important and meaningful day.

8 combined and conservative years of High School between both of our girls, and the stories written in those 8 years are many.  Many sweet memories made, some tears shed, amazing things accomplished and also some disappointments. That’s life!

As I lay myself to sleep, I am filled with so many emotions, tears are rolling down my cheeks, a bittersweet moment for sure.  Our little girl is not so little anymore, and just like everything in life, one chapter closes and another one starts.  

I am grateful for our little family of four, that supports each other unconditionally and celebrates each other’s accomplishments in our own crazy and unique kind of way. 

Today was a great day.  A milestone very well celebrated that will stay in our minds and hearts forever. 

Once a Saxon, always a Saxon! ❤️🎓💛

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Tuesday, May 19, 2020

One day away to my youngest daughter’s High School Graduation.  One day away and so many feelings.

This lockdown has certainly played with my emotions in bigger ways than the day our eldest graduated from High School four years ago. 

NOTHING is the same as far as Graduation experiences and ceremonies go, except for the love, thank goodness we have each other and our love to survive this curren “storm” of all the news and unknowns. 

Yesterday, I drove Bella to her High School to pick up her belongings from her locker.  She had to make an appointment to go in and there was plenty of instruction and security going in, and the staff made sure that health guidelines were followed, which I was happy about. 

I stayed in the car, she went in by herself, only the students were allowed.  I was ok with that, this was HER moment.  Her moment to walk those hallways one more time, her moment to be reconnected with all the memories made throughout the years and her moment to say one final goodbye, but I have to say, seeing her walk in for just one more time as a High School Senior and then walk out, tugged at my heart a little harder.  

I had tears in my eyes seeing her walk in but I kept them to myself, I didn’t want her to see me upset and add to her own grief. 

As she walked out of the building, she said goodbye to a friend she encountered, waved thank you’s to the staff ushering people in and out and then stopped for a few minutes to talk to the staff member helping in the parking lot.  It made me smile seeing her confidence, politeness and simply the way she carried herself going in and out.  I was so proud to be her mom, I always am. 

The moment she got in the car, I asked her how it all went, if she’d seen anyone, she said “not really...” it was a pretty empty building aside from the staff helping with clearing lockers. 

I asked her if she’d want to pick up breakfast when we left and she said yes, so we headed towards Dunkin Donuts for a drive through kind of breakfast, the only way to do breakfast out these days. 

As I was driving there, I looked quickly at her, just to see if was was ok.  Her eyes were filling up with tears, and I could almost feel the sadness and heaviness of what she had just experienced.   I cried too of course, I’m hurting for her.  I rubbed her back and told her that I loved her and that I was proud of her.

The lack of so many meaningful rites of passage for our High School Seniors is so significant, but at the same time, I can’t help it but to smile at the way their schools, the parents, our community at large has come together to honor them and make their graduating year extra special!  

Tomorrow, Bella along with all of her friends and classmates will participate in a historic Graduation Car Parade at the Baseball stadium before their virtual Graduation ceremony.  People will gather in the hundreds to honor them and show them just how much we care for them and how proud we are of their accomplishments. 

Things I remember about my Graduation: my Senior Prom and walking out of Mass before the actual Graduation ceremony.  We always had Mass for Graduates growing up. Other then that, I don’t remember getting my diploma, I don’t remember what I wore, what I ate that day, nothing, and it’s funny because I have other vivid memories about many other childhood events. 

The things Bella’s 2020 High School class will remember ten, two, thirty and more years ahead:  EVERYTHING, I am almost certain of that!  They will remember not being able to attend their Senior Prom, they will remember not having their Senior Picnic, Brunch, walking the hallways one more time hugging and saying goodbye to their friends, their last Orchestra concert, dance recital, and the list can go on and on, but they will also remember all the amazing things their parents, the school and the community did for them.   I think they will especially remember the Graduation Parade because who can forget that, and also their virtual Graduation Ceremony, but my biggest hope is that most of all, they remember they were loved and cared for in the midst of the heartache and grief they were experiencing.  

Class of 2020, you are certainly off to bigger and greater things, you will forever be special! ❤️💛

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Monday, May 18, 2020

“Are you afraid?”

“I’m curious. What comes next?”

That conversation was at the beginning of the movie I watched last night. 

What’s on our minds when we think about the end of our earthly journey? 

Yesterday I watched the movie “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” for the first time.  Although this movie was released in 2008, it never really interested me.  Well, I was wrong about whatever misconception I had created in my mind about the story line of this movie. 

From the moment I hit play, I was immediately intrigued and captivated not only by the story, but by every quote and movement and scenery.  I wanted to embrace each moment in such way, that I ended up closing the French doors leading to our living room.  I wanted nothing or anything to disturb me or interrupt all the feelings I was experiencing during the movie.  

Death has always been an interesting concept to me.  I am a woman of great faith, I’d like to think that at least, but the mystery of it still intrigues me, especially the fact that we will never be able to share life in the flesh with those we deeply love.  That thought has always been mind blowing and a bit frightening. 

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button presents life and death in such way that it makes you crave a more fulfilling life and dig deeper about the real meaning of life.

What is our purpose on earth?

Are we truly happy?

Do we feel that we are following and leading our heart to be the best version of ourselves? 

Are we being honest with ourselves? The way we live our lives?

Do we truly, really understand the beauty and significance of a sunrise and the miracle of a sunset?

The list could go on and on.  There is so much more that we could explore about the meaning of life and still not be able to grasp it completely.  I think that at long as we continue to see the miracle of life in the ordinary, we are in good shape. ❤️

“For what it’s worth, it’s never too late or in my case too early, to be whoever you wanna be.  There is no time limit.  Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same.  There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of if.  I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before.  I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. And if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” Benjamin Button 

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Sunday, May 17, 2020

A RAD DAD.  That’s who lives in our home.  Our daughters for Stan this coffee cup a couple of years ago and it couldn’t have been more perfect.  

What makes Stan RAD?

In my book, he’s an excellent father to our girls and an example of dedication, hard work, perseverance, loyalty, honestly, simplicity, faith, commitment and the list could go on and on and on. 

From the moment Michelle was placed into our arms many springs ago, Stan took his responsibility of being an excellent and dedicated father very seriously.

My friends used to make fun of him (in a good way of course 😉) about how well he would layer up the girls in the winter or crisp Fall haha before they went outside.  And by laying them up, I mean, layers and layers and layers of clothing and hats and gloves and basically just the necessary flesh exposed to breath and talk and eat! Ok, I might be exaggerating a little 😉, but you get the drift! 

He used to warm their milk in the winter (I don’t get grossed out because it’s a very Mexican thing in the winter also), and basically cuddle them in every way to make sure they were safe and protected.  I’d have to say we’ve always been a very good parenting team in that respect.  We might not have always agreed to everything as far as decision making, but at the end we always worked it out. 

Stan is one of the funniest people I know too, and by funny I don’t mean he purposely goes out of his way to be funny, he is just funny!!! He always finds silly, quirky things to say and his comments are usually spot on when we are talking about something to the point that it makes us spit out our drink if we are drinking something. 

Stan doesn’t require of much to be happy.  As long as he has his family, good tea, security, HEALTH, and cheese 😂 his world rocks!!! And if he had the Oporto ti it to have 300 sunny days out of the year would probably make him the happiest man alive... no joke! 

On this very cloudy, rainy, but peaceful day, I’m feeling extra thankful for our daughter’s RAD DAD, who walks by faith and love and dedication.  Stasiu, keep rocking the world around you! 😎

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Saturday, May 16, 2020

Yesterday I came across some of Bella’s pictures from when she was in elementary school as I was looking for something else.

Tears immediately started rolling down my cheeks realizing how precious those days were and how much I didn’t realize at the moment that those years would be gone before I knew it.

Bella was always a free spirit, playful, loud, friendly, loving, honest, kind and faithful.  And the list could go on and on.  

As I was looking through the pictures I rejoiced in all the memories made but I also heavily ached for an opportunity to revisit those precious moments.  Moments in time that will never come back.  The question in my mind was “did I do all the right things? Did I nourish enough? Did I create balance between opportunity and leisure? Was it all enough...?” Ahhhh, so many questions.

I think I’m just so incredibly emotional these days with Graduations taking place, with experiences we had planned taken away from us, and just by the heaviness of what the world around us is experiencing at the moment. 

I know one day we will wake up and think “wow, that was just crazy, can you believe we went through that?!” And we will smile and say “yeah, that was crazy, but we also did some pretty cool things to make life a little sweeter while going through it.” ❤️

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Friday, May 15, 2020

In the midst of many conversations at work of the how’s and when’s to reopen which will be a huge task planned by many with lots of direction from experts and many, many, many different phases, I can’t help it but to think about life before 3-13-20 for us here in Illinois. 

3-13-20 the day our world as we knew it came to a sudden stop, and a new way of living had to be learned and very quickly. 

A lot has happened in the 63 days of lockdown.  Many of those days (speaking solely for our family) have been spent in complete quarantine due to the fact that we had visited New York and also because of my husband’s heart issues.  He’s ok, but his condition definitely makes him vulnerable in situations like this one.

Out of those 63 days, when not in quarantine, we have gone out to the grocery store and necessary trips to the drugstore with a certain sense of fear and uncertainty.  

It seems like we are adjusting to a new normal.  A way of life not expected by any of us, but one that seems as it might hang around for quite some time. 

I was reading some facts about other pandemics in the world.  The Black Plague or Black Death was a devastating global epidemic that struck Europe and Asia in the mid-1300s. The plague arrived in Europe in October of 1347, when 12 ships from the Black Sea docked at the Sicilian port of Messina. 

Another devastating pandemic was the The Spanish flu, also known as the 1918 flu pandemic. It lasted more than 12 months from spring of 1918 to early summer of 1919, and it infected 500 million people – about a third of the world's population at the time.

The people that experienced such devastating pandemics also had to adjust and learn new ways of living, wearing masks, and protection gear and they didn’t even have the resources we have now to help us stay safe or safer.  

I might have to give my dad a call today, one of the smartest and most well read people I know.  I’m sure he will have many facts and information to share about these pandemics, including the current global pandemic. 

We do what we can with what we have and with that we try our best to make it the best life. ❤️

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Thursday, May 14, 2020

The rain and thunderstorm was unbelievable last night and miraculously enough; the change in barometric pressure did not affect my migraines this time, big PTL time for me!!! 

I’m sitting on my beloved porch taking in last nights’s event.  It’s still drizzling, a perfect level of cloudiness, the grass and outdoor plants have that fresh rain glow and the soil speaks of many of my favorite childhood memories.

I remember absolutely loving rainy days (no thunderstorm of course) when I was a child.  On many occasions my brothers and I would go out with our neighborhood friends, which were many and we would play in the rain.  I can almost place myself at my childhood home in Mexico 40 decades ago, thrilled for the rain and the opportunity to be outside under that rain.  One year, I was running barefoot on the neighbors sidewalk and I slipped and hit my head pretty hard which ended with a trip to the ER and a concussion, oops! Well, that was the end of those playing under the rain days for a while, my mom put the kibosh on that fun activity right away! 

My dad has always loved the rain also.  I actually don’t know if anyone enjoys rain and particularly thunder as much as he does.  

My childhood home always had two steel rocking chairs and our home had (still does, my parents still live in that same house), a very generous front porch.  The moment it would start raining, my dad would make himself a fresh cup of coffee, grab his cigarettes and lighter and head straight to the porch.  I can still remember him rocking back and forth, his right leg crossed on top of his left leg, holding his cup of coffee in one hand and his cigarette in the other.  Thinking, pondering, taking in the beauty of a rainy day and contemplating life.  I wonder that he was thinking all those times.  

It was all fun and games until it would start thundering and my mom would start yelling at him to go inside the house because “you will get struck by lightening!!! Come inside the house!” And my dad would quickly reply “so be it if I do, I’d die happy if that happened, I’m not going inside, I’m loving this.”

Those were some of the only times I’d see my mom get upset about anything. She’s always been the calmest human being on this planet, but I get seeing your husband get struck with lightening wasn’t exactly the way she had pictured their life to be. 😉

Interesting thing is, now that I think about it, when my mom was pregnant with me, my dad was struck by lightening on a very stormy night (not sitting on a rocking chair, it was a different town, different home), and my mom would share that story from time to time.  

I guess my mom’s reaction to my dad sitting outside on a steel rocking chair during a thunderstorm was triggered by her own PTSD from years before.  Connecting the dots...

Right now, I’m enjoying this moment of sitting outside, enjoying the beauty of nature and sipping my coffee, in a very special way, and how great that nature can transport us back to some of our favorite childhood memories. 

Thank you, Mother Nature! 💚

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Wednesday, May 13, 2020

Long, long day but many things accomplished and then my work day ended with a good meal and lots of laughter with a good friend. 

This month has been the month of many colors.  A month of transitions, adjustments, and patience, oh so much patience.  

Praying for life to go back to normal soon, even if that normal is a new normal.  We will get there one day... 

Lockdown Day 61 did not disappoint! ✌🏻

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Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Quarantine day 60 greeted me on the dentist chair with an emergency appointment.  My front tooth broke in a very bad way a few weeks ago and after going in for a “quick” fix a couple weeks ago since they couldn’t use drills yet, the broken piece that was hanging by a thread pretty much, came off again, O.M.G. 

I was SO thankful when I talked to them again about the situation and my Dentist who is also the owner said a Dentist with expertise in that area could come in today and help me. Both Dentists were there, one doing the work, the other one assisting and I couldn’t have been happier and more thankful for their knowledge and kindness. 

It was so strange pulling up into their parking lot which is usually busy with many cars from their practice and the businesses around.  EMPTY lot, no cars in sight, almost looked like an abandoned property, it felt like I was walking into the twilight zone, what strange time we are living right now. 

I’m so thankful that besides the current lockdown, I am still able to address any health needs, to have a professional group of doctors I can call at any given time for help and drive myself to and from to get that help. It sounds simple, but it’s not.  All of that from the moment I get to sit in my car, turn the engine on and walk into a building to get what I need... HUGE privileges.  I take nothing for granted, life has shown me that many times over and I am thankful for all of it. ❤️

Last night my daughters and I ended up having a house “party”!  Well, it was more like living room party with Netflix and pizza haha but it was so fun!!!

We stayed up until 2 am watching meaningless reality tv, something we usually don’t do, and laughing, talking, having snacks, making pizza at midnight (YES, pizza came out of the oven at 12:20 am to be exact!) and having the time of our lives, in the comfort of our living room, cuddled up on the couch, and sharing a special moment by simply being together and having fun. 

I went to bed last night thinking about that moment.  It has definitely been one of my favorite moments during this lockdown.  I had to be up at 6:45 am today to shower and get ready for my 8:15 am Dentist appointment, and I’m definitely feeling the lack of sleep right now, but I have zero regrets.  My eyes might look just a little more tired today, but I’d do it all over again just to have that level of happiness in my life again. 

I think late night parties with Netflix and comfort food might become a “thing” with the Borla’s girls. Even Daisy joined in the fun last night! 🐶

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Monday, May 11, 2020

I got little to no sleep last night and I don’t even know why, well actually, I think it was due to the fact that I ended up going to bed very late chatting with my long distance family and then by the time I went to bed I was just thinking about all kinds of random things.

Today, it’s another busy work day for me and I have lots on my church lady plate but I’m thankful for it. 

I was talking to a friend and my mom yesterday about the reopening of cities and how it will happen and the how’s and when’s of church reopenings.  It feels as if it has been years since we were able to worship under one same roof as a community of faith, but with the current health crisis and the uncertainly that’s still very apparent, nobody has the slightest idea of when that will happen. 

I remember going into work in the mornings and seeing all the daily Mass parishioners parking or walking to the chapel for daily Mass, chatting with them or exchanging smilies, FHA’s always made me happy.  Such a dedicated and faithful group of people. 

I think that when things do start going back to normal (a new normal), the appreciation level of for the things we do and love and life in general, even the simplest and most ordinary of things, will feel so extraordinary and we will be able to rejoice in that opportunity that we so often took for granted because we didn’t know that one day we wouldn’t have it. 

Although we might be missing out on a lot of things, we are also learning valuable lessons and new ways of coping and looking at life. 

This too shall pass.  For now. I’m excited for warmer days ahead that will allow me to sip my coffee on my deck and have meals with my family outdoors, something we all love to do. ☀️

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Sunday, May 10, 2020

Mother’s Day this year had a little bit of everything. Hugs, kisses, laughter and even some tears. So many feelings bottled up coming to the surface on a special day under very strange circumstances.

I spent a good portion of the day at work planning communication materials and recording Masses. It felt good to be surrounded by beautiful liturgical music, scripture readings, amazing reflections and all in all the love and faith that the walls of the worship space provides. On my way home all of a sudden I had a river of emotions and memories come over me thinking about my childhood and missing my mother more than anything. I gave those tears permission to ride with me all the way home and it was healing. When I got home these beautiful red roses with two painted canvas by the girls and Mother’s Day messages on the back were waiting for me on the kitchen table. The house smelled like roasted garlic and something delicious baking in the oven. The table was perfectly set and my family was waiting for me to celebrate me. It felt good coming home. ❤️

Michelle made these delicious quinoa patties with sweet potatoes, garlic and spinach, with guacamole and chips (my request), and an amazing mango, cucumber, red onion and peppers salsa, YUM!!! I’m loving all her vegetarian cooking during this lockdown. We ended the day with Jerry Seinfeld’s new Netflix special “23 Hours to Kill”, Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” documentary and spinach and roasted mushrooms pizza. The girls had the most random and funny conversations all night and it made my heart smile.

Thankful for every feeling I felt today, thankful for the delicious food we have been enjoying, but more than anything thankful the gift of family near or far away. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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Saturday, May 9, 2020

I needed my morning coffee this morning sitting on my front porch bench and listening to the water fall across the street as much as the soil needs the sun in the spring.  

Yesterday was one of the most draining days for me in a long time and when I say long time, LONG time, but the day ended on a very happy note (alleluia!) and by the time I went to bed for the night, I felt more blessed than ever before.  

There is a great quote by St. Francis de Sales that says “have patience with all things, but first of all, with yourself.” What a great statement and opportunity for reflection that is.

I may have other gifts, but one gift I certainly don’t have and I don’t feel shame whatsoever admitting it because we are imperfect human beings with many weaknesses and faults, is patience. I am a very impatient person, sometimes I even drive myself crazy of how impatient I can be, imagine that. 

I like results, I like productivity, I like things accomplished, I like things to flow and move as organic as my mind pictures them to move and in all honesty, that’s unfair, to me especially because when things don’t flow the way I imagine them to be (which can happen quite often) comes frustration and from there other feelings that can affect not only me but those I love. 

I have always been very type A personality and I don’t really know if that attributes to simply the way my brain works, if other life factors accumulated through the years have anything to do with that or both.  Actually, I think it could be both, but don’t quote me, I’m no expert on this field. 😉

The good feeling I’m feeling right now as I sip my perfectly hot cup of coffee with a blanket over my lap in the front porch is that, the beauty of life is that no matter what our age is, we can continue to grow, to evolve and become a better version of ourselves day by day.  Every day we breathe is a brand new opportunity to start new and learn more about ourselves and the world around us.

Inner transformation happens every time we experience something powerful in our lives and even during an ordinary moment with great value.  The gift of those experiences for us comes in appreciating the moment when we are going through them and realizing right there and then that life is teaching us something meaningful in that specific moment and also giving us an opportunity for redemption and growth. ❤️

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Friday, May 8, 2020

Today is day 56 of our official Coronavirus lockdown.  A lockdown that started “sort of” as a romantic adventure of family time around the clock which has now translated into a harsh reality of raw feelings, exhaustion, grown uncertainty, and of course many happy days.  Although if I were to be completely honest, happiness some have to search for happiness a little harder these days.  Ahhh, the balancing act of life.  For me is staying in control as much as I possibly can so I can help those I love cope with whatever life throws their way.  Today I’m particularly thankful for my often cheery disposition and positive way of looking at life, for it helps me wrap and protect those closest ones to my heart. ❤️

Speaking of those closest to my heart.  I absolutely love when media apps give show memories of the day from years ago, it makes me go back in time and smile.

This morning I woke up to a wonderful road trip my daughters and I took to Holland, Michigan six years ago exactly on a day like today, May 8th.  I remember that day as if it were yesterday.

It was a gorgeous spring day and Holland, Michigan was holding their their tulip festival.  In a serendipity kind of way, I decided to take a day off from work that day, and pull the kids out of school so we could nurture our souls by being visiting another town, admiring nature and simply being together.  For some reason, my girls had had a rough week that week, I don’t remember the specifics thankfully, the mind is kind that way, and I thought, how great will it be to break away from the worries of an ordinary day and change the routine.  

Visiting Holland, Michigan ended up being that and a little more.  We had a fabulous day, we all got the rest and change in pace we needed and we delighted in the sunshine of the day and the beauty of the spring tulips. 

Sometimes the little things in life, make us realize the extraordinary of our existence by simply doing the things we love with the people we love. 🌷

Michelle (16) and Bella (11) in Holland, Michigan, May 8, 2014

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Thursday, May 7, 2020

Today was a day our family will remember forever for many reasons. 

We started the day by picking up my youngest daughter’s cap and gown at her High School, curbside style!  It was certainly a very strange feeling and something I never imagined would’ve happened, but I have to say that the school staff handled it with grace and perfection in the way they handled things.  Their system was intact and although it was a very surreal feeling, by doing things so smoothly, they made the sour experience a little more doable.  

As we pulled out of the parking lot, we parked by the fire station next door to the school to check Bella’s belongings in the bags she was handed out.  We wanted to check that she had gotten all the things she was supposed to get, but that stop gave us a chance to take it all in, appreciate that moment in time and give thanks for the opportunities she had during her High School years that were looking back at us in the certificates, and recognitions she received.

After our visit to her High School, I dropped her off at home so she could finish working on a project for a class and I drove to the stadium near our house where they were giving out surgical masks to residents of the city where we live.  Another super smooth operation!  I am just so impressed with the way communities come together when there is the need for unity.  I was in and out in no time. 

As soon as I picked up the masks, I went back to work.  I’ve been busier than ever before, but I am thankful for my job and the creativity I get to be part of during the day to keep our faith community informed and “entertained” in a way. 

Today, we also had a couple of unpleasant and sad moments as well, but it all just made me realize the magnitude of what our world is experiencing with this health crisis.  All we can do is take one day at a time, count our blessings and pray for the things we are struggling with. 

Thankful for the blessings, grateful for the smiles I saw on my children’s faces today, especially the youngest who had many things to smile about today, and humbled for the unexpected lessons learned.  Giving thanks in all things. ❤️

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Wednesday, May 6, 2020

I usually grab a random coffee cup for my morning coffee, whichever cup catches my attention first and today was this one.  

This coffee cup is bringing me back SO many memories and also make me crave and feel nostalgic about memories that won’t be made on the fest grounds this year.  Last year for the first time in the 40+ history of the church carnival, we ended up completely cancelling one day due to extreme weather and we thought that was bad news. Little did we know... 

This would’ve been the church’s fest 43rd year and I’ve been part of it for 24 years, never missed a year not attending.  Some years I go all five days, other I go a day here and a day there.  Working at the church and doing all the communications there means lots of camera time and mingling with people, all things I love. 

When I first started working at the church 24 years ago, the fest was called “Country Fair”, and later on (I would say approximately 10 years ago, give or take a few more) the name changed to Family Fest.  I still remember the many emotions of employees, committees and parishioners about changing such important name, but the name Family Fest quickly became a favorite and a big part of the church. 

Five days of seeing friends who we don’t usually see on a regular basis.  Out of towners that travel from near and far away to be part of creating these memories every year.  Great food made with love and care by dedicated parishioners, a huge white tent that houses many Bingo enthusiasts every night, a great big stage that welcomes many amazing performers, raffles, a sweet booth, carnival rides, and so much more.  

Although canceling Summer Festivals this year makes all the sense, it’s still hard. Not only are we missing the opportunity to be together as a community having a little bit (or a lot) of fun, but this is also the church’s biggest fundraiser of the year.  I know that we will rise from this, and all will be well, but this experience will certainly be one that will Mark all of us in many ways.

Now, I’m trying to think where we all were in 2007, and by “where” I’m thinking age wise 😉, when Country Fair was happening. 

Our oldest daughter was 9 years old, wow!!! And Bella, our youngest one was just a 4 years old, oh my goodness!!!  I love our life as it is right now, but sometimes I wish I could revisit some of those moments when the girls were little.  Pictures help me soothe my soul when I’m feeling sentimental. 

This is a picture of a fun day at Family Fest (back then Country Fair) and I believe this was 2006. Such sweet memories!!! ❤️

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Tuesday, May 5, 2020

It’s a rainy, drizzly morning and I’m drinking my coffee inside, maybe I’ll reflect and ponder later on the porch later on... 🌧

Yesterday, I woke up committed for change! Change in lifestyle habits, particularly my eating habits, but I also took the opportunity and I applied my enthusiasm to other things. 

I started the day by giving myself extra time to be by myself on the porch with my coffee and my thoughts, doing nothing but simply contemplating life around me.  I was there for a good couple hours and it felt so good! 

I drank a lot of water during the course of the day (well, a lot for me for sure, since I don’t usually drink any or much), made myself a very healthy breakfast and lunch and then dinner for everyone. 

Went on a walk even when the temperature was not exactly how I like it for my walks. It may sound like a super easy thing to do, but when you get yourself out of a walking habit, even going around the block a couple times can take your breath away, yikes, and not in a romantic kind of way of course! 😉

I was so motivated during the day to really change the way I do things that I even set myself another goal for my “Better Me” challenge (ok that title just came out of nowhere wow haha).  I decided to also organize one drawer, one closet or one pile of papers every day.  Yesterday, was my closet’s turn and it felt SO good to do it!!! I’ve done it a few times in the past of course, but it’s amazing how quickly things can get out of control even when you put things away. I got rid of quite a few things I didn’t really need anymore and haven’t worn in a long time and then put away heavy winter stuff.  Good feeling all around.

Today, is a big working day for me, (office wise), and since I needed to get a head start on my day, I went to bed super early last night.  By 8:30 pm I was already in bed and praying I’d fall asleep fast enough instead of staring at the ceiling and tossing and turning, but thankfully I did.  

I went to bed with a great feeling of accomplishment last night, a feeling of trust in myself and more than anything a HAPPY feeling, because I had set goals for myself the day before and I stuck to my plan.

Now, the real challenge will be to continue to stay committed, firm in the why’s and how’s of my willingness for change, and motivated even when my day (for whatever reason) is not going as well as I plan sometimes.  I know it can be done, and I’m planning on doing just that! 💪🏻❤️

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Monday, May 4, 2020

If I could bottle this moment I would.  I’m sitting on my beloved porch sipping my freshly brewed coffee, it’s 41 degrees outside but it feels good.  I have a blanket over my lap to keep me warm and the water fall across my house is serenading me with the sound it makes as it hits the pond.  Everything about right now feels good. 

On a separate note, my migraines have been giving me a run for my money and it’s been really upsetting for me other than of course the pain they cause.  Upsetting because I don’t seem to be able to get on top of it and figure out a way to manage it.

I have tried pretty much EVERYTHING under the sky to get rid of them, except a kumbaya dance around a bonfire, that I haven’t tried, maybe I should! 🤔 Ok, proceed...

Yesterday I went to bed thinking about the many possibilities of why my migraines have been so, so bad lately and I think I might know the answers.  

The weather (rain, cold, warm, more rain... drastic change, barometric pressure), is a HUGE trigger for me, I would have to say, my biggest trigger, and lately, we’ve had nothing else but many changes in weather lately here in Chicago, and my head just keeps going “No, please!!!” but, nothing I can do about it, that is one thing I can’t control, except by changing our address, which we are not quite ready to do just yet.

Another factor for me is FOOD! Oh my! This quarantine has made me take more trips to my kitchen than ever before. I am an emotional eater and well, we’ve had many emotions lately, and food is where I go.  I use food as a form of celebration (I like that actually), but I also use is to hide my emotional pain from whatever it is I am feeling.  Food gives me comfort on so many levels, but I’ve gotten to the point where, if I don’t have something in my hands to munch on, I’m uneasy, and that’s not a good thing.  Ok, I’m not eating 24/7 either, but you get my point.  I have to get out of that habit, PRONTO!!!

I haven’t exercised since I don’t know when.  I just haven’t felt like it.  I guess this lockdown has done a number on me, that is for sure.  I have had zero motivation to put on my gym shoes and go out.  I have also been extremely busy with work, but that shouldn’t be an excuse, I can make the time if I want to, I just haven’t had the motivation to do it. Period. I’m not going to make excuses for myself. 

And last but not least. WATER! I have not been drinking water, other than the water in my coffee and LaCroix because I need the carbonation with my meals.  I stopped drinking Diet Coke for over a year (I was a HUGE DC addict for years!) and the carbonation gives me that satisfaction of drinking something else other when plain water with my meals.  I’m actually pretty proud of myself for sticking to it and not going back to drinking that stuff that was also making me sick. 💁🏼‍♀️

STRESS is also a big trigger for me, and of course, we’ve had plenty of it lately with what’s going on in the world around us.  The uncertainty of the when’s, and what’s, and how’s.  Worrying about my husband who has had pneumonia twice in the past years and has a heart condition which makes him a very vulnerable person for the virus, and all the other stuff in between. 

I guess point of this is, there are MANY things I can do to help me cope with my migraines, I just have to be willing to do them and GET ON TRACK!

Although I might not be able to alter the weather, I can change the way I eat and eliminate foods that are bad for me.  I’ve tried that before and it’s worked wonders.  I can also start drinking water, simple H2O, jut because my body needs the hydration, especially my brain.  I can also start by moving my body, even if it’s a few minutes a day to start with, AND I can find ways to manage my stress.  Stress that doesn’t seem obvious, but I know it creeps in every once in a while.  

I’ve always thought that I am pretty good about finding time for myself or doing things just for me until the other day when my oldest daughter said “mom, you need to do more for you, things that make YOU happy.  You do so much for others, but you don’t do anything for yourself.”  Our children are true tellers because they witness just the way we are, our gifts, our flaws and our weaknesses and although I had a million (well, not a million, but a few) excuses for myself to defend her statement, it really made me pause and reflect on that truth.  I have to do a better job at taking care of myself, not only by doing things that make me happy and help me grow, but simply things that bring me joy without having to feel guilty about it.

Waking up to my own good news about what I can do to help with the way I’ve been feeling lately and my physical pain, is a great way to start a new day and smile at the road ahead. ❤️

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Sunday, May 3, 2020

Yesterday was supposed to be my youngest daughter’s Prom and even though Prom had to be canceled, we didn’t cancel the fun! 

We spent the entire day doing things that made Bella happy, starting with a birthday parade for one of her school coaches, she worked on a fun “project” for her friends, we got take out and ended the day with  bonfire and late night conversations.  It might not have been the day she had imagined, but her smiles at the end of the day reassured all the uncertainty and sense of loss we have been experiencing lately. 

It also made me extremely happy to see how her big sister made sure that her day was a good day and that she had as much fun as she could possibly have given the circumstances. 

I guess we can apply the phrase “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade...” on this occasion.  The day might not have been the way we had anticipated, but we made the best we could with the resources we had and that, made it a perfect day. ❤️

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Saturday, May 2, 2020

I remember when we first found out the date for Bella’s Senior Prom.  May 2nd sounded like a perfect day for some reason.

I pictured it just like today, a sunny, beautiful and glorious day and I rejoiced in the knowledge that it would’ve been my weekend off at my part time job which meant, I could take Bella to her hair and make up appointments and be part of that glorious and joyful day for my little girl. 

Senior Prom.  A day of dreaming, perhaps the last opportunity to be asked by someone they like or are close friends with to go to the dance.  A day of partying with friends, dancing the night away, laughing, eating junk food on the way home from the dance in the early hours of the next day on the way home from Prom.  Staying up until the next morning texting with friends about ALL the stuff that happened at the dance.  Laughing, giggling... waking up the next day and feel like they are walking on clouds because they are just so happy from the previous night.  Making memories. ❤️

None of that will happen this year.  The opportunity to make all those memories is just simply gone, scratched off and it’s not in our control and with that we try our best to make the best out of an unfortunate situation, because simply put, that’s what it is, an unfortunate situation all around, I’m not just speaking about Prom, there is a lot of suffering all around it, but today, I want to focus on what May 2nd would’ve been because it deserves the space. 

To my little girl who is not so little anymore and to all the girls and boys who are not able to participate in their Senior Prom this year, know that your parents are aching for you today and every day during this lockdown that you have missed the opportunity to celebrate and make memories for such significant rite of passage in your lives. 

WE SEE YOU and WE LOVE YOU!!! ❤️

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Friday, May 1, 2020

Welcome May!!! Hopefully a month of good things and some new beginnings.

Today was a big day! I ended up going to the dentist on an emergency basis and fixing my broken tooth. That was an experience.  It’s a temporary fix for now since they are not allowed to use drills or any heavy tools. 

I also cut hair for the very first time in my life, that was definitely a first one or me and kind of a nerve racking experience!!! 

My daughter was part of the St. Baldrick’s fundraiser at her High School and since schools are closed, we had to cut her hair at home, 12 inches to be exact, but her fundraising efforts and hair donation are for two very noble causes, cancer research and donating hair for making wigs for children experiencing hair loss. I’m beyond proud of tong girl with a heart of gold!

Tomorrow was supposed to be her Senior Prom and but obviously that’s not happening, it’s a strange feeling all around, and I’m just praying that this health crisis is soon behind us and life can resume a new normal. 

I guess, I’ll go to sleep now.  I had my coffee at 9 am and I’m just able to write this now, but one determined woman I am! 💪🏻😉

Sweet dreams... 

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Thursday, April 30, 2020

Today is Day #48 since the stay at home order started in Illinois.  The day when the world as we knew it, stopped. 

The first two weeks of the stay at home order felt so romantic and amazing in a way.  It was an opportunity to be together, rest a little and do things that we busy working people don’t get to do on a regular basis, BUT, now more than I even I appreciate the opportunity to work outside of my home more than ever, the interaction with other human beings outside of my family and the ability to assist anyone that needs help at the office.  Oh, the little things we take for granted sometimes end up being big things. 

I feel like I have arrived at a point of no return as far as routine and daily life.  One of those moments when I really have to figure out something creative to stay engaged and happy, or remain stuck in a feeling of “it’s just another day...” 

I’m going to chose option A. Just before I started writing I made a conscious decision and commitment with myself to rise above my own fears, struggles, “stuckiness”, and blah feelings of this quarantine.  I will consciously make a plan to stay active, engaged, happy and dedicated to the things I love. 

I am almost certain that we will all learn some big lessons our of this situation we are currently living.  

Tomorrow we start another month of the stay at home order, 30 more days, and we either suffer through it, or embrace it and thrive during those days.  I will do my very best to thrive and be engaged in the best of my ability. 

For now, I better get more coffee because I’m out of it and that’s definitely not a way to start this third stage of quarantining! 😉☕️

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Wednesday, April 29, 2020

What an interesting day today was!!!

My youngest daughter officially committed to a University to attend this Fall and we celebrated with take out food, because you know, these days, we’ll take advantage of any good news to mix up things in the kitchen a little.

It was a day of excitement and celebrating her decision, starting the process of looking for a roommate and learning other information about move in day and the school itself. 

Then, I ran out of coffee and that was not ok! I felt like a part of me was missing something, yeah that’s dramatic, but I love my coffee and it makes me very happy, an important feeling these days especially. 😌

Also, this 24/7 togetherness of a family of four for weeks and weeks and weeks, uhm... it’s interesting.  Navigating work, school, feelings, meals, privacy, emotions, and soooo much more, it’s become a balancing act.  It sounds very romantic when you picture being so much time together, but when the whole family are adults pretty much, it can get very interesting. 

We’ve done food so far I think, and had many quality times together.  We’ve cooked together, cooked for each other, had many family meals (I love that actually!), watched some shows together and we’ve had some interesting conversations.  

Today, we also heard of three people from our area that were just diagnosed with COVID-19 and the news literally hit very close to home.  We are living such uncertain and scary times, but it’s also very uplifting how people are taking care of each other.  

There is a quote I love by an unknown author (at least to ny knowledge) that says “ peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” I try every day. ❤️

Even though I had my cup of hot cocoa this morning, I didn’t get a chance to write until now, I was quite busy with work, but now I’m laying in bed, lights are dim, the noise is peaceful, and the only sound I hear is the wonderful sound of raindrops coming from the windows right next to our bed.  It really is the little things in life that bring me the most joy. 

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Tuesday, April 28, 2020

I’m sitting on my porch and listening to the waterfall right across my house.  Admiring my husband’s many potted plants and flowers that sit by the bench. 

We just finished dinner, a delicious veggie pasta that my oldest daughter made for all of us.  After dinner, the four of us sat at the kitchen table and talked and talked and talked and if we didn’t say “ok, I’m going to tell you guys something, but please DON’T repeat it!” at least three times each, we didn’t say at all. 😂

Really, it wasn’t anything overly important or confidential but simply things we wanted to share and it felt great to bond in that way during our meal. 

My kids (22 & 17) have been having a blast spending time together, goofing around, dancing, singing, cooking and now the two of them are in the kitchen baking cookies, while I sit on my porch reflecting, Daisy next to me and Stan the man checking on a project for work. 

I am grateful for our family moments of peace and bliss during these times of uncertainty.

Thankful for family dinners.

Thankful for the sound of laughter and silliness of our kids.

Thankful for the opportunity to be able to work from home. 

Thankful for random, weeknight movie nights... and so much more. 

Just thankful. ❤️

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Monday, April 27, 2020

Time got away today, a super busy day! 

We had an interesting day today.  It was one of those days where we almost saw all the colors of the rainbow from our stay at home/quarantine situation right now. 

We talked ahorita a few important things, made some exciting decisions, argued about a few other things, tried to come to terms with many other situations and at the end of the day, we actually had a really nice day and the four of us ended on the couch watching a show, then having late night snacks in the kitchen and the girls dancing on the porch (you read it right!) and giggling their way into the night.

I guess that’s what life is all about isn’t it?! Good times, upsetting circumstances, disagreeing with each other, but at the end loving each other. 

Also, side note here.  We had VERY boring food all day, I did not like that! We’ll have to do something about it tomorrow. 😁

Good night! 💛

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Sunday, April 26, 2020

Today was a long day but a very productive and exciting day nonetheless that ended with two happy “kids” at home and a family celebration.

Michelle made homemade potato gnocchi for dinner that was so delicious and I was thankful for the opportunity to step away from the kitchen today.

My morning coffee had a sweet southern taste today and I’m still smiling.

Now, time to go to sleep and nurse a migraine I developed early this evening.  At least, I can relax at home and hopefully sleep in.

Buenas noches! ❤️

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Saturday, April 25, 2020

I grew up appreciating the world of the arts.  From a young age my dad took us to classical music concerts.  My mom always painted on canvas and made pottery art with clay.

My dad has always been an avid reader and my grandmother was a great storyteller who loved theater.  She often took me to see various children’s plays and later on as a young adult I went on my own because by then, I had developed an appreciation for live theater. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the meaning of art in our lives and how important art is for most of us during challenging times.  

Social media has been flooded with ideas lately for crafting, painting, people singing, performing, giving recommendations for movies, tv series and books. 

Across the globe from the richest to the poorest, people have been thriving and their spirit’s are surviving on art to make life just a little more bearable and  pleasant as we struggle to make some sense of this world right now. 

During the past few weeks, my brother who is a talented pianist, has been sharing music pieces with me and my youngest daughter has been delighting us with the violin. 

I have often found my oldest daughter behind a book and a lit candle in the quiet of her bedroom, exploring magic in the words of her favorite authors. 

Our home is often filled with music, singling, some type of performing and lots of storytelling and I hope that will always be the case, and the sharing and love for the arts in our family keeps passing on from generation to generation many years after we are gone, just like I’m referring here to my grandmother who taught me so much.

Pablo Picasso once wrote, “The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls.”

How true is that.  Art is music for our souls. ❤️

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Friday, April 24, 2020

TGIF is right!!! Longest work week in the history of work weeks... one of the longest weeks for sure, but lots of goods things came from the hard work. 

This week was certainly a roller coaster of emotions also. My daughter’s school district officially announced that High School graduation will officially be celebrated virtually and Prom has been cancelled.  The students will also not be going back to the school where they made so many memories during the past four years which means, no official send offs, goodbyes or seeing their friends for one more time during passing periods in the hallways.  No more sharing lunch with friends within the walls of the school, chats at the beginning of the school day... none of that, the school year came to a sudden halt and even though we know the obvious reasons of why these decisions were made, it still hurts a lot, and we as parents are aching for our children, our Seniors, our children that have gone through so much during the past twelve years with the many ups and downs of growing up, looking forward to their High School Senior year.  

So many people are hurting and experiencing the many stages of grief right now, and it’s OK to be upset and cry and feel all the feelings. We can’t sugar coat this.  This experience is HARD, no matter how we present it and only those most affected by it can really understand it fully.

Boo to what’s going on in the world right... hurray for our health heroes.

I keep trying to focus on the good and the lessons we are learning from this experience.  Some days I’m really good and successful at it, and others, I don’t even recognize myself at how I handle it.  I guess that’s a lesson too.  I’m not perfect (duh, I already knew that), and I am allowed to feel grief and heartache.  As awesome as optimism sounds, tears and true feelings is what makes us whole. 

This too shall pass... I just have to keep that in mind for my own sanity.  For now, especially this week, my High School kid, her friends, my friends’ children and any High School Senior out there experiencing the aftermath of this week’s news have my love and prayers. 

History being made as we speak. 

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Thursday, April 23, 2020

Yesterday, I returned a few phone calls that had been left in the church voice mail recently. 

Even though the office is physically closed, I’m still working just as much if not more to keep up with the demands of keeping people informed and in a way, I have never been more thankful for technology and social media specially, because it has served as a link to keep us connected.

I returned five calls yesterday, all of them were extremely grateful for the call back as they didn’t even know if they would be receiving a call back with churches and parish offices being closed.  The reaction from people of three of those phones calls I made, were simply amazing and so heartwarming.

One lady literally shouted and exclaimed, “omg, I can’t believe you are calling back! When I left the message I honestly didn’t think I’d get a call back since everyone is closed now.” We talked for a few minutes, she decided her request could wait until we were open again and then I asked them if there was anything else the church could assist them with during this time, so that gave an extra opportunity to chat a little longer. Happy call for sure! 

The second lady I spoke with that showed so much emotion when receiving the call just kept saying in a teary kind of way “I’m just so happy to hear you, to hear a voice at the end of the other line...”

The last number I dialed from my “call back to do list”, warmed my heart in more than one way.  A young woman wanting to schedule her wedding, her and her fiancé had a date in mind for their wedding, she called the office hoping that they could get some information and perhaps maybe even book something.  She didn’t think it would be possible considering the current situation.  When she answered the phone she just kept saying “this is the church? I just can’t believe I’m actually talking to you guys, I left the message just in case someone would call back, I know everyone is closed right now.  I’m in tears, I’m so excited... we have been looking forward to scheduling our wedding and everything came to a sudden halt, it’s just so sad.”  Then she said something at the end of our conversation that really stuck with me, so much that I wrote her words as she spoke.  She said “we are affectionate loving people, human beings in need of connection and this just made my day.” 

A simple call, a human voice, a real connection with people so desperately needing to know we care, we are there for them and we are listening in the midst of one of our most challenging times in our lives. 

Finding joy in the story we are currently living; to me, this is my miracle of this pandemic.  Some days are just ok, some days are really challenging and other days, I rejoice in the glimpses of hope and the gratitude and generosity of so many people. ❤️

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Wednesday, April 22, 2020

It has been 40 days since life as we knew it (for the time being) stopped for most of us, at least here in Illinois. 

40 is a meaningful number in the Bible.  It symbolizes a period of testing and trial.

Scripture tells us that Moses lived 40 years in Egypt and also 40 years in the desert before he was sent out by God to lead the people out of slavery.  Moses also spent 40 days and 40 nights on Mount Sinai. 

And just like that, we can find many more mentions about the symbolism of the number 40 in the Bible. 

Even though our “time in the dessert” is not quite over for us yet and the social distancing guidelines won’t be lifted for another few days, weeks or even longer; I think the past 40 days have served as a way to pay closely attention to the way we live our lives, to connect in different ways with the people we love and to hope more more fiercely.  

It has been challenging no question about it, for all of us in different ways.  Everyone handles uncertainly, loss and the unknown different and every single feeling is valid.  There is NO space for sugar coating the different reactions of people during this crisis, not in my book.  We are called to feel every feeling, to pray for each other and most importantly, to be compassionate about what everyone is going through, small or big. 

We are all in this together, in bigger ways that we ever imagined and one day soon we will be able to rejoice in the simple pleasures of life that perhaps we at some point in our lives took for granted; like having coffee with a friend, going to see a movie, worshiping at a church, going to a farmers market, hosting a BBQ at home and so much more.  

May we continue to find moments of joy in the story we are living. ❤️

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Tuesday. April 21, 2020

Oh what a day!!! It was certainly a busy, exciting, tiring, and many feelings shared kind of day.

As much as I am CRAVING normalcy right now, I do have to admit that I am loving breakfast with my family every day.  There is a special air in the air in the early hours of them day, before the chaos of everyone being at home all day for many days untangles! 😃

I guess my point is, I’m trying to stay focused on the positive, and appreciate the moments of joy I have with my family right now, despite the chaos and uncertainty of our current lives. 

Today was a day of cooking. I went grocery shopping early in the morning and then I spent the majority of the day cooking and working in between.  I spent many hours in the office as well trying to make a plan for the next few weeks ahead since we don’t know when we will be able to reopen the office quite yet.  I’m ready! 

Tomorrow is another day.  I’m ready to get some rest and start another work day early in the morning.

PS: my coffee and donut this morning was delicious!!! 😍

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Monday, April 20, 2020

I wish you could be sitting here with me on my front porch right now while I sip my coffee.  The birds are louder than they have been in a long time, their chirping and singing are serenading me along with the waterfall that sits just across the street from our house.

Close your eyes for a second and hear the sounds of water cascading from a large fountain and birds singing right below it.  It’s so beautiful! Two geese just flew across the sky making all kinds of noise, as they are known to do. The sun is shining in all its glory, the wind is calm and I’m loving every second of my time outdoors as I sip my coffee and collect my thoughts

Yesterday was a wonderful day celebrating 24 years of marriage, our daughters made it perfect for us, cooking, and setting the tone for a beautiful day.  

My husband and I met in one of the most unconventional of ways (I might write about it some day) dated in similar ways and when we decided to take a leap of faith, I believe there was a massive army of angels rooting for us, cheering us on and shouting “you can do it, we got you!!!”

We’d be dishonest if we said marriage life has been perfect, but who has a perfect life, right? But we have made our biggest efforts to make it work, to love every minute of it -even the moments that haven’t been so glorious- and to appreciate each other and the life we’ve built. 

Today is a bittersweet day.  Today is the day that Michelle would’ve graduated from her Theater Conservatory in New York.  Right now she would’ve probably be getting ready to start her day of celebrations, putting on a new dress, and imagining her walk across the stage at the glorious Majestic Theater in Manhattan.  

Life had other plans.  Instead, she’s laying on her bed, sleeping, resting her body and mind after many sleepless nights of thinking and pondering about the life she should’ve been enjoying right now but a life that quickly came to a halt due to the global health crisis our world is experiencing. 

Even though this is momentary, it’s still hard nonetheless.  Many years, many moments and hard work have been put into what today was supposed to be.  I don’t want to sugar coat their grief and feelings, because this stuff is HARD, and we should allow ourselves to feel all those feelings, it’s the only way to heal and continue journeying through life. 

Along with those feelings also comes hope, faith and love.  I know that one day soon she will be able to savor and enjoy the fruits of her hard work and who knows, maybe even walk the stage of the Majestic Theater collecting her diploma, or celebrating in some way.  I know that day will come sooner than later and we will rejoice in a bigger way than we ever imagined. 🎭❤️

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Sunday, April 19, 2020

Today, Stan and I celebrate 24 years of marriage.  A lot can be written about those 24 years, but in all honesty, I wouldn’t have done it any other way. 

We come from two different cultures, grew up speaking two different languages and our birth lands couldn’t be farther away, yet, we shared so many similarities that have helped us face the storms and savor the successes. 

We have two beautiful daughters and have made many wonderful memories in our 24 years of life together.

Our girls have spoiled us from the moment we woke up with a homemade breakfast, dinner and dessert and it has been pure bliss in the midst of all this uncertainty that has kept me up at night on most days.

I have spent many days and many years trying to teach our girls to have trust, to have faith, to have hope and to love life despite what it is we are going through in life, and this month they have shown us with their actions that they have always listened and learned from our spoken words.  Actions do speak louder than words, and today I feel especially thankful and blessed by their presence, love and determination.

Praying, wishing and hoping for at least 24 more years of making memories together. 💕

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Saturday, April 18, 2020

I received an email from a friend this morning and it said “I woke earlier than usual today because it’s supposed be a a sunny day and I want to enjoy every little bit of sunshine there is.” Isn’t that a wonderful statement? Reading that really set the tone for my day. 

I also had a wonderful phone conversation with a friend this morning and later in the day a beautiful handing plant appeared on my porch with a sweet note. 

I went on a walk with my dog Daisy and talked to my mom on the phone. Even though she’s far, far away, sometimes I like talking to her while I’m on walks because since she’s lost most of her vision, her hearing has been sharper than ever before and sharper than most of us, and she asks about the sounds of nature and cars and everything I come across with, I actually love that.

Today, was a leftover, grab as you go type of eating.  Ok, I take that back, I made a homage and delicious breakfast, Michelle made lunch and Bella made herself a healthy dinner. We still ate a lot of leftover food, u want to make sure nothing goes to waste, not ever, not now. 

The four of us watched the new episode of Dateline and bonded in the living room.  These simple moments are feeding my soul.

I needed a day like today.  I needed a day of optimism and positivity and sunshine.

I’m learning a lot about myself lately.  I’m learning to cope with uncertainty in a way I never knew I could.  Some days I feel like my mind and heart and soul are going through a metamorphosis and I have to apply all the coping mechanisms I have learned and “trained” for in the past without ever knowing I would have to apply them for a situation like the one we are living at the moment. 

Today, I’m thankful for the unexpected sprinkles of positivity I was blessed with during the day and hopeful for an even lovelier tomorrow. ❤️

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Friday, April 17, 2020

“Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing.  Who can live without it? I ask in all honesty What would life be! Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music for giving it to me.” 

I strive for positivity and hope and faithfulness every day of my life, but the current circumstances our world is under lately, have made me feel a little anxious, something somewhat uncharacteristic for me I would say.  I guess I’m struggling for my kids, I’m carrying their heaviness of the world on my shoulders and silently crying their despair.  Thankfully, this has only happened a couple of times during this global pandemic but when it strikes, it’s hard.

Last night I decided to turn off all social media, news, and go to bed a lot earlier than usual in my quest of peacefulness.  I searched for music that would feed my soul, poetry made into music.  One of the artists I listened to was an Uruguayan poet, song writer and journalist who lived in exile for eight years in the late 70’s, early 80’s and whose songs and poetry speak of all those feelings his heart carried through those years.  No fancy bands and loud music ever accompanied him, but a simple guitar, usually his own or a trio of amazing guitarists.  Music for my soul.

The second artist I listened to last night was a Argentinian singer, songwriter and philosopher that improvised most of his songs as he performed live and who in 1996 was named  Goodwill Ambassador and Messenger of Peace. 

Listening to these two songwriters last night brought me a great deal of peace, and as I listened to the sounds and lyrics of their songs, I couldn’t help it but to think and thank my dad for it.  

My dad, the man that introduced me to these artists and who I watched throughout my childhood day dream sitting by a simple record player, holding a cigarette and cup of coffee in his hands while he listened to the lyrics of their songs.  As I write these words as an adult right now, I guess nearly forty decades a later, I had no idea the impact those images and experiences would have on me. 

Today is a new day.  A good day. A better day.  I’m feeling refreshed, energized and ready for the day ahead.  Even the unexpected snow looks pretty through the window.  

Thankful for moments like the moment I experienced last night. Thankful for the people that from a very young age introduced me to the world of the arts, including my dad among many, and even for moments of darkness that make us appreciate light and hope and peace even more. ❤️

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Thursday, April 16, 2020

Yesterday, we celebrated my husband’s birthday and even though we had planned on a very different way of celebrating both my birthday on the 10th and his birthday yesterday, prior to the lockdown, I’m grateful in a way that we had these fun celebrations to be excited about during our stay at home order, because it has given us some added purpose and fun while being home and we have certainly made some incredible memories that will stay in our minds and hearts forever. 

I love celebrating special occasions, celebrating life, celebrating even the ordinary.  I think if anyone were to even ask my daughters and/or my husband about the joy I find in the simplicity, they’d certainly say I get giddy excited about most things in life. 

I was recently reading a poem by one of my favorite song writers from Argentina where he makes reference about all the places he’s been in the course of his career and he makes those references by briefly describing each country and each city he’s visited and he refers to Mexico as the place where they celebrate “everything”, and I couldn’t agree more.

I grew up celebrating everything.  Celebrating birthdays especially, celebrating a good report card, celebrating a beautiful day, celebrating a new dress, celebrating a homemade meal, we simply CELEBRATED and even though celebrating is very much part of who we are and part of our culture, I could attribute my good times growing up at home and the many occasions we celebrated to my mother.  My mother was born with a spirit of thankfulness and gratitude for life itself and that’s what our household was the happy place that it was even when in theory, it shouldn’t have been that happy of a place sometimes based on the circumstances we were going through. 

Our earthly journey is nothing but a blink, enjoying and celebrating the big and ordinary moments is what makes it all the more worthwhile. 

Celebrate, rejoice, LOVE! ❤️

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Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Today is a very special day at home, it’s my husband’s birthday, a man we love and appreciate more than we could ever put into words.

How could I describe Stan? A man born with a spirit of service, that’s it.  Stan was born to serve, simply put. 

He dedicates his life, without obvious effort and never a single complaint, to serve and be there for others, especially at home.  He’s not only the best life partner I could ever have, but an excellent father to our girls and that fills my heart in more ways that I could ever describe. 

Not too long ago I was trying to describe Stan to a friend that has yet to meet him and I felt this immense sense of pride in every word I spoke about him, and she smiled the biggest smile as I was speaking, and said “wow, sounds like he’s a great man.” I guess my enthusiasm was too obvious and effortless. 

Stan is a man of integrity, hard working, generous, SELFLESS, sweet, kind, FUNNY and one of the most faithful people I know.   He has impeccable manners and a thirst for knowledge that I envy.  He is a caregiver and a caretaker, he balances life like no other person and no matter what he is going through in life, he makes the girls and I his priority.

Wishing Stan a very happy birthday today!  May the year ahead bring him health, prosperity and happiness. 

Sto lat to the nicest guy in town and Feliz Cumpleaños también! ❤️

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Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Another fun birthday gift straight from sunny Cancún and even though my hometown in Mexico is over 2,000 miles away from Cancún, it’s still beautiful and sunny México and is making me miss my family just a little more right now.  Thankfully, this lockdown has made our daily communication easier and our phone conversations have been longer, and for that, I am so thankful! ❤️

Now, let’s talk College!!! 😭 Omg, who would’ve thought making a College decision would be so tough again, between my eldest and my youngest, College and everything in between, I’ve gained quite a few more gray hairs. 

Bella is now trying to decide between four schools on where to go to College this coming Fall.  She has pretty much narrowed it to two Colleges, and feeling pretty strong about one of them in particular based on scholarship/financial offer.

Finances definitely play a huge role in the life of a college student and it gives a lot of peace of mind not only to the student but also the parents when you don’t have to worry too much about the burden of student loans.  

Talking to people over the phone at any of the Universities has been challenging, doesn’t even seem to be that they are “working from home”? 🤔 I don’t know, seems a little strange considering that this is a crucial time for incoming Freshman.  Bella’s top choice has actually been the most reliable (as far as communication lately) and that at least, offered me some comfort.

I know that at the end, she will go to the school meant for her, we just have to believe that, but I feel like we are jumping into raging waters with closed eyes, since this current health crisis put such a sudden halt to student and campus life with no opportunity to learn more about the schools.

Commitment day is fast approaching and soon we will be rooting for a new University and wearing all the school colors.  Exciting for the next few days and weeks ahead as Bella gets ready to make her big decision! ❤️

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Monday, April 13, 2020

The house is quiet as a mouse, and not because there is no one here.  Our house has been fuller than ever due to our quarantine/lockdown situation, but Stan has started working from our home office and my daughters are in other areas of the house doing online school.  I love happy noise but I celebrate the quiet. ❤️

This coffee cup was given to me by a dear friend for my birthday and I completely, 100% love it! 😍 

It’s the perfect size to hold my freshly brewed coffee from my Keurig machine and the design is lovely in every single way.  

FAITH.  What is Faith? There are probably thousands of explanations about the meaning of faith, but I think Faith is very personal, very intimate, very private.  Both my husband and I were raised as practicing Catholics and both had/have mothers with very strong faith beliefs, and we strive and do our best to raise our daughters the same way, but I know that if I were to ask each of them about what FAITH means to them, and how they apply it in their own lives, everyone would give a completely different version. 

To me Faith is like the vitamin supplements we take daily.  We take them because we know (or think at least) that they will help our bodies feel better, grow stronger and thrive physically.  Faith is my spiritual vitamin, and it pretty much serves the same purpose as my daily supplements, except, it nourishes my soul. 

My journey of life has been quite unique and I could probably write a novel about it, it’s had so many chapters.  The genre would definitely be “drama” with a sprinkle of comedy, but my faith has lifted me up through every chapter, every page and every paragraph of that story.  

Faith is not recited words, it’s not prayer either, faith is simply hope, belief, spiritual support, love. At least, in Maria’s Wikipedia. ❤️

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Sunday, April 12, 2020

A different kind of Easter, but a blessed Easter nonetheless.  The plan for this Easter was for me to travel to New York City to attend my oldest daughter’s graduation performances and ceremonies, and go to church at St, Patrick’s Cathedral and have dinner at one of her favorite Italian restaurants in Manhattan, while my husband and youngest daughter went to church here and then to Easter brunch at a local Resort since it was just the two of them. 

We ended up spending Easter all of us together at home and watching Easter Mass on tv with even our dog Daisy as an spectator, she is a believer now too! 😇

Despite the “drastic” changes occurred due to this current health crisis, I feel extremely blessed to be together with our little family of four.  

I made a traditional Easter diner of ham and potatoes with fresh bread rolls and after snacking while playing Chinese checkers before dinner, we were too full for dessert. 

Sometimes, our blessings come wrapped in different packaging and today was a great reminder that even when life gets interrupted and life seems uncertain, we can still find joyful moments. 

A glorious day celebrating the Resurrected Jesus Christ.  He has Risen, Alleluia, Alleluia! 💜

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Saturday, April 11, 2020

Hey, I’m officially 48 years old today (well, yesterday 😁), and you know what, it feels pretty cool! Every year I turned another page for a new chapter of my life book, I feel incredibly blessed.

Today it’s another family day, you know, the kind we’ve been having a lot due to social distancing, but I’m not complaining, I’ve been enjoying them fully!  

Today will be a little special than other Saturdays though, because it’s the Easter Vigil and our family will do the ritual and traditions we usually do when churches aren’t closed, starting with the blessings of food baskets, and rumor has it, my very religious husband who usually helps at church with the blessing of baskets, will do some of the readings and rituals at home too, I’m kind of happy about that actually.  I am missing all of our church traditions this Holy Week and Easter season. 

I have some work to do for church today, and then hopefully I can enjoy the rest of the day with my family. 

Happy Easter Vigil! ❤️

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Friday, April 10, 2020

I am speechless, I am WITHOUT speech! 😍😉

Today has been one of the best days I’ve had in a long time, and certainly I think, my favorite birthday celebration so far!!! 

When I say I have been blessed with the best friends and the best human beings in my life, I really mean it!!! 

My girls and Stan have made this birthday so memorable for me from the moment I woke up.  My Facebook page has been inundated with amazing messages and I have received many calls, texts, birthday cards in the mail and private messages and to top it all off my friend Laurel orchestrated the most AMAZING car parade by my house with some amazing people to honk and shout happy birthday.  They decorated their cars, they had the biggest smiles on and I think I even got stage fright for a minute! 😃😂😍 

They “staging” area 😂 was assigned by a restaurant near my house and from there they started the car parade to my cul de sac and literally drove around in circles for a good minute honking their horns, shouting, waving their hands, smiling and just showing SO much love!!! 

Social distancing might be keeping us from hugging these days but NOT from showing love and appreciation for each other.

Turning 48 years old in the middle of a global pandemic is certainly one for the books for me!!! ❤️

Feeling so thankful for everyone that was part of this super fun car parade “project” haha and to all those who have made me feel so incredibly special today and every day.

❤️4️⃣8️⃣❤️

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Thursday, April 9, 2020

The Triduum starts today for Christians all around the globe. ✝️

I woke up with the Easter song lyrics of “this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad and be glad...” 🎶 and I cannot get it out of my head, I’ve sang those words on and off since I’ve woken up at least ten times. 

Yes, the churches might be closed, but our faith is more alive than even before! This pandemic has strengthened our beliefs and our love for that faith that maintain us and guide us. 

On Holy Thursday, we honor the day on which Jesus shared the Last Supper with his disciples, prior to his crucifixion. He washed his disciples' feet in order to demonstrate the importance of serving others.

I think we are seeing a lot of that “washing of the feet” lately with caring people around the globe.  Health care professionals risking their own lives to save others.  People shopping and running errands for the vulnerable that are in strict quarantine.  Teachers being more creative than ever before in an effort to still offer the best of themselves to their students despite the interruptions and commitments they have with their own children at home.  Entire neighborhoods across the world uniting in song and prayer at certain hours of the day to lift up spirits.  People offering their vacation homes or mobile homes or RV’s to health care workers so they have a place to rest without the worry of going home and spreading the virus.  Good samaritans cooking for others or purchasing meals from local businesses so they can stay afloat in the midsts of this health crisis and the list goes on and on and on... 

The churches might be closed, but we are “washing each other’s feet” and showing our care and love and support for those around us in bigger ways than ever before.  

Together, we are making a difference and learning valuable lessons from this experience.

May the next three days of this holy triduum be a blessing to us all so we can wake up on Easter Sunday and sing... this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad and be glad. Peace to all! ❤️

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Wednesday, April 8, 2020

One of my favorite times of the year are those when the weather start changing, any season change actually, but especially when days start to turn warmer and you can open windows, and sit outside and go for walks and drive your car with the windows down.  

Yesterday was one of those days! It was a perfect warm and sunny spring day with an early summer feeling. 

I tried to spend as much time possible outside and take advantage of the fresh air.  I gave our dog a haircut (which I learned I’m not overly skilled - or skilled at all- in that department 😃), went for a walk, took myself for a car ride and then sat at a park for a while on the way home taking the beauty of the day in. It was glorious! 

I have been doing SO much cooking lately and yesterday, I decided to give myself a break.  Although I love to cook, it’s very time consuming and so much cleaning to do afterwards.  So leftovers and frozen pizza day it was and it did not disappoint. 

Today it’s one of my best friend’s birthday and since we’ve known each other we’ve had a tradition to go out for lunch or dinner on her birthday and celebrate in a special way, and this year will be very different, but birthdays are teaching us other lessons this year.  To appreciate another year of life in a unique way and to (especially) give thanks for our health and those around us. The meals at restaurants and other type of celebrations will just have to wait.  We have the most important gift, celebrating the gift of life. ❤️

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Tuesday, April 7, 2020

It’s a balmy 62 degrees and sunny spring day in Chicago today and I’m sipping my coffee on the porch. 

I’m admiring my husband’s potted outdoor plans, listening to the fountain across the street in the pond that belongs to the neighborhood and savoring every sip of coffee. 

I have been plans for today.  I want to take advantage of the weather and go out for a long walk and between work, do some organizing in the house. 

Today is day 24 since the social distancing guidelines began in Chicago. 24 days since the day schools and churches closed and life as we knew it was put on hold.  It seems like a long time ago, but in all honesty it feels kind of normal now, at least for the time beings.  Perhaps our mind is kind and it’s the way that helps us cope with drastic change in our lives.  

I always miss my parents, but right now I think I miss them the most.  I wish we could be together so I could take care of them and cook for them and take care of them.  I’ve been afraid of flying for quite a few years now and that fear has stopped me from visiting them more often.  This stay at home and social distancing orders, have made me realize that freedom is one of the most precious gifts we have in life and I will make it my mission to work on liberating myself of the fear of flying so I can visit my parents more often in the years ahead and see all the places I’ve been wanting to visit.

We might be “stuck” at home, but we sure are learning a lot of valuable lessons from this experience. ❤️

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Monday, April 6, 2020

Today was one of those days where woke up wanting to do all the things and before I realized the day was OVER, just like that! 

My migraine has been a constant nuisance.  I can start by blaming the weather, then all the not so good for my body but tasty food I’ve been eating and last but not least the lack of routine and uncertainty our lives have been surrounded with. 

Although I didn’t feel the greatest today, I managed to make a meal, work from home and run a couple of necessary errands that had been postponed due to our super strict quarantine we were under. 

I had a really amazing conversation with my mom over the phone today.  We talked for almost an hours and I bared my heart and soul to her and shared way too many things that were weighing heavy on my soul.  It wasn’t even my intention to share most of it, but my mama knows me well and I think deep down she could sense the heaviness of my soul at the moment.

We talked and talked and talked and I don’t remember exactly what it was that made me go “yes, this and that and all that...” and I started literally bawling on the phone with her.  The kind of cry where I almost could feel her arms wrapped around me.  

It felt good, it felt very good to be able to be vulnerable with her and let it all out and heal and be loved in the only way a mother can love.  No expectations, no questions asked, just pure love.

Our conversation was the perfect way to end my not so great day, and get the motivation, inspiration and strength I needed for the days ahead.

I’m always amazed that a woman her age, with the limitations that she has can always inspire me to be and give the best of myself.  I am one lucky lady and blessed to have her as a mother. 

Now, I’ll start a movie I’ve been wanting to watch for some time now and one I have no expectations for. Secondhand Lions, here I come... 🎬

Image: “me, holding a steamy cup of coffee in the early hours of the day, wearing my favorite zippered hoodie that always makes me feel cozy and wondering what the day would bring.”

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Sunday, April 5, 2020

Yesterday was a day I don’t wish to remember for a long time.  In all my years of being a migraine sufferer, yesterday, I felt all the horrible pains and effects that a migraine gives you. The shooting and excruciating pain, the auras, the loss of vision, the nausea, and the sadness that comes with it. 

You’d think all the years, 20+ years of suffering from migraine pain would have prepared me for a day like yesterday, but nothing can prepare you for pain like that even when you’ve experienced it before.

I am beyond fortunate to have a husband that understands me, that has walked with with through every one of those of years of migraine pain and knows first hand what it looks like for someone to experience that. 

Thankfully, my migraines have lessen in quantity throughout the years, but the intensity has been the same when I do get one.  I guess, I’ll that the win of less migraines, that is for sure!!!

I went to sleep last night not knowing what today would bring and worried of what my day would look like especially since I have work to do.  Working at a church means, work on the weekends, especially when Mass is canceled and you are in charge of all things communications.

I was blessed with healing overnight and a fresh perspective for the start of a new day.  Even though migraine pain doesn’t disappear overnight, it’s a lot more tolerable today, and I feel happy and optimistic and ready to celebrate Palm Sunday from the comfort of our home. 

Missing my spiritual home this morning where I have witness a procession of palms and amazing liturgy and music for many years, but I rejoice in the knowledge that we will be back there again soon as a community of faith and it will be a celebration like no other. 

If you worship at a Catholic or Christian church, I join you in spirit as we say “Hosanna in the Highest!” Blessings to you and yours! ❤️🌱

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Saturday, April 4, 2020

It has been a wonderful day as weird as this social distancing situation is.

I went into the quietness and solitude of my office again today to do some work in preparation for Easter and it was great to work on projects that will hopefully bring hope and light into people’s lives.

We are all learning a great deal about ourselves and the world around us as go journey through these dark days, but in those teachable moments, we are also learning that often, we have the choice to look for positivity and gratefulness even when life is interrupted. And when we can’t, it’s fine too, these are tough moments.

Every day is a new day, every day is a different day.  Thursday was a dark day for me, for our family in the way we coped with life right now, but yesterday, we had an opportunity for some redemption and hope. Today, (even though is a little clouded here in Chicago), the sun is shinning a little brighter at home and in our lives.  Every day... we will just have to continue making our best efforts to make it through and learn valuable lessons and grow a little more as human beings. 

Peace! ✌🏻❤️

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Friday, April 3, 2020

“I remember when...” will be our new way of referring to things.  What used to be our normal, will take the shape of a “new” normal.  

I used to get so giddy and excited about Fridays, especially my non-working weekend Fridays, which meant I could rest at home during the weekend after a long work week.  So many times I craved more leisure time and days of nothingness, but not these days, not this way.  

I have been fully enjoying my time at home to be honest, especially not having to wake up with an alarm, and have a strict schedule.  I have been loving the fact that I can really enjoy my morning cup of coffee without the hustle and bustle of my mornings but I’d give it all away in an instant for my kids to have the life they had prior to this stay at home order, enjoying life at school with sports and activities and end of the year celebrations.  My soul aches for them and for the many High School and College Seniors that had so much taken away from them.  I know we can’t help it, and there is SO much more suffering in the world right now, and I ache for that heavily as well, but this is my close contact with the reality of what COVID has brought into our lives.  And I pray that those worries and concerns continue to be the only ones. 

Today marks the third week of the first stay at home order, the day schools were canceled, restaurants were closed, churches announced no more Masses for awhile and the day life changed for many of us. 

Yesterday, my family and I completed two full weeks of complete quarantine and isolation after visiting NYC to pick up our oldest daughter from school, and I am SO grateful that we made it through.  Yes, it was nice being together, but the confinement wasn’t all that easy and pleasant, but it has to be done, for us and for all those we would’ve come in contact with. 

Today, I go back to work at my office for a few hours even though the doors to the public are still closed, but it will be nice to be able to do my work with more resources than with what I have available at home.  Work from home is nice, but it’s not ideal, at least not for me. I like getting dressed, having a routine and most importantly, having interaction with my peers and those who come to the office. 

I have learned a lot in the past three weeks, and I look forward to what the weeks ahead will bring.  Hopefully the distancing this month, will bring life and new hope for the months ahead. 💜

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Thursday, April 2, 2020

The sun is shining in all it’s glory here in Chicago, it’s a perfect 50 degree weather with no wind and the most gorgeous sunshine.

I’m sitting on my porch drinking my cup of coffee and taking in the beauty of this morning.  I love the bench where I sit when I drink my coffee outside.  It’s placed in the perfect spot of the front porch, which allows me to witness the movement of people going back and forth about their day and also, I have the perfect view of the fountain in the pond across from my house that serenades me with the sound of the water cascading up and down. 

I read a great quote yesterday written by a Jesuit priest by the name of James Martin, “Many things have been cancelled because of the coronavirus, but love is not one of them.” How great is that quote and how true too!  

Although we might be worried about the uncertainty of what the future holds, we have the peace of knowing that when terrible things happen, a lot of good happens as well. People do great things to help others and we in return learn valuable lessons about the way we live our lives and the way we relate to others.

May we take advantage of these days to lend a hand to someone in need. To lift others in prayer.  To comfort the afraid and to love without boundaries.  

We have a great opportunity to reach out in love right now. ❤️

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Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Welcome APRIL!!! ❤️

April has always been a very special month for our family. We celebrate many important events starting with my birthday (going by date order 😉), Stan’s birthday and our Wedding Anniversary and of course, always Easter in between. 

The celebrations this year will surely be very different than in years prior but it hasn’t really bothered me that much, as long as I have my family nearby that’s all I need and a cake or cupcake of some sort would be nice! 

I love celebrating birthdays and special occasions more than anything and my family can attest to that, they are my favorite!!! So even though, this year for my birthday and Stan’s and our anniversary we will be social distanced, we can still celebrate and have a great time... AND celebrate AGAIN, with friends closer than six feet apart at a later time this year, how awesome is that! 

April, I’ve loved you since the day I met you! ❤️

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Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Today is the last day of the month, a month that sure proved to be challenging in so many ways.  I don’t think any of us (or the majority of us) knew what we were getting into.

March was a month that has taught me personally many important lessons, and affirmed my beliefs and practices about the importance of family and the gift of having housing and food.  Things we so often take for granted, even though we do appreciate them. 

I’ve also learned in a more realistic way, to parent a little better, a little different, to adjust and to acknowledge my children’s sufferings and their anguish for a life that is full of uncertainty.  I have always been very protective of their feelings and my defense mechanism in order to protect them even more, was always to somewhat ignore or pretend feelings of sadness, doubt and anger in hopes that by me not mentioning them they would forget about them.  Well, life has shown me and proven to me that that’s not the way to address life and feelings and that we should talk about things that scare us and makes us sad or angry and simply out of place in life. 

This month I’ve cried a few times.  I’ve cried because I’ve been scared, I’m still scared.  I’ve cried because it pains me to see my children go through hardship and see them miss out on meaningful events in their lives, and I’ve cried because I don’t know what the future might hold, and what the new normal will be.  There is a lot of uncertainty in our lives right now. 

I’m thankful for the things I’ve learned this month, especially the last two weeks of March.  I appreciate and love my family at a whole new level.  I’ve learned that making sacrifices in the way we eat or we go about life and changing our routines for our sake and the safety of others, it’s not all that impossible and that we have this amazing gift to adapt to new situations.  

We have to be so patient with ourselves and those around us.  We are all grieving, and our suffering is not greater than the suffering of another family member, friend or coworker, and viceversa.  

It’s ok to cry once in a while, it’s ok to feel frustrated and scared and desperate at times, life sucks a little (or a lot) right now... acknowledge those feelings and find someone to talk to in whom you trust. You are not alone, we are not alone. ❤️

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Monday, March 30, 2020

Last night I had the best sleep I’ve had since our daily routines due to coronavirus changed.  I think that I had been so overwhelmed with the what’s and the how’s of navigating this situation that it was somehow keeping me up at night.

Yesterday, it was announced that social distancing guidelines have been officially extended until April 30th and in my opinion the federal government will just have to take one week at a time to continue to make decisions based on the advised of infectious disease experts and health professionals, especially since the sickness and death numbers has increased in the US in the past couple of weeks. 

Today especially (in my opinion), we have a really great opportunity to establish new routines for ourselves and our families as we walk into a “known” unknown this coming month. 

We can use the the routines and things that have worked and not worked for us the past two weeks and the way we’ve been doing life at home as we practice social distancing. 

Speaking for myself, I’ve noticed that if I don’t have a routine at the start of every day, I find myself feeling unmotivated and lethargic.  I am so used to working outside of my home and having a very strict routine that I almost have to force myself these days to follow that same pattern to stay in my happy place.

Extended social distancing guidelines here we come, I’m ready for you!!! 💪🏻❤️

image: my morning coffee that makes me happy every day, and this beautiful lemon tree bringing life into our home. Stan is watering plants, our youngest is nearby making breakfast and the eldest in the basement doing school work. As I take this picture I hear all those noises and smell all the smells that remind me of family.

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Sunday, March 29, 2020

Happy Sunday!!! ❤️

Dear Diary, let me tell you a little bit about our family day yesterday.  It was pretty awesome!!! It was one of those days that you feel so much love in the air and so much thankfulness for the people that God placed in your care. 

The day started with everyone making their own breakfast, except me, I made breakfast for Stan and myself, the girls made their own healthy concoction and then after cleaning the kitchen from breakfast I started cooking again, that’s right, I’ve been cooking so many yummy dishes lately, I love cooking and this quarantine has given me space to do just that. 

I made a super tasty lunch (shrimp salad with spinach and arugula) and after we all sat down to eat, I walked away from the kitchen so our oldest daughter could start dinner.  She was treating us to her own homemade ratatouille sauce with noodles, and it was SO delicious!!!

When she was cooking, she had a candle lit on the kitchen counter, Frank Sinatra playing in the background and all her dicing and chopping and simmering of veggies and the happiness she was exhibiting gave me all the happy feels I love feeling with my family.

Bella was keeping herself busy with school work and Daisy was keeping her company. 

There was a moment when Stan went looking for me and all reflective said “isn’t this wonderful to have the girls at home and happy...” and he went on about his feelings of being happy and safe at home during these challenging times.

Our family day yesterday put everything in perspective for me.  It’s hard not to feel blue from time to time during this health crisis around the world, especially reading about statistics from the government and other sources, but focusing on the GOOD we have, and the blessings life has gifted us with like our family and the added  moments we get to spend with them, it’s what gives balance and purpose to our lives. 

Today will be another day of togetherness, because what else can you do when you are in self quarantine 😉, but we have a few plans... cooking as a number one, Michelle is making homemade squash soup for dinner, I’m starting breakfast now and then we will do some type of family prayer to keep us connected to our spirituality during these times that we are not able to worship at church.  We also have a couple of movies we want to watch, so all in all, a good day despite what’s going on in the world outside of our front porch. 

Peace! ✌🏻❤️

image: my cup of coffee staring at me, it’s tasty, hot and it has all my favorite colors. Stan is in the background making oatmeal and slicing strawberries and at the moment, all is well with the world.

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Saturday, March 28, 2020

Have you felt a certain level of anxiety lately from social media? I don’t usually get that way, but I’ve been feeling the heaviness of it all lately and yesterday I decided to “unplug” for the majority of the day and only check my feeds a couple times during the day.  Control what you can control, right? 

The information and resources some people have been posting about the current health crisis with an added tone of politics as frosting on the cake, can be enough to take away some of the calmness and balance we so much need these day. 

Being confined within the walls of a home and social distancing means, we have so much more time on our hands to constantly be looking and checking every social media platforms, which in all honesty, can be very overwhelming to me sometimes.  

Unplugging for a few hours yesterday and focusing on other things, helped me feel a little more in control.  At least my brain wasn’t being fed information I wasn’t exactly looking for. I also mainly focused on my blog pages which bring me joy and tried to stay away from everything else for the most part and also the social media platforms I manage for the church where I work, which is all good and inspirational stuff.  Yesterday, it work, we will see about today... one day at a time is all I can do! 

Maybe set up a routine with social media also, to only check your apps a couple times a day, perhaps morning or midday and in the evening when everything is quite in the house.  Just some suggestions that have helped me personally navigate the overdose of social media and unsolicited information floating everywhere we look. 

Today looks like a quiet (quieter) day at home.  I have to work for a bit but not too many hours. Stan is off from work and neither one of the girls have school work, except for some reading.

I’ll be busy in the kitchen as usual (check out my stories from time to time for some recipes and meal prepping 😋) some cleaning (ok, not sharing the tin my stories 😂), and then I’m starting a book I’ve been wanting to read for a while called “When God Winks At You.” 

Peace and love to you all! ❤️

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Friday, March 27, 2020

My cup of coffee is HUGE this morning and it’s magnificent in looks and taste, and I’m loving every sip of it. ☕️

I went to bed last night thinking about kindness, particularly KIND people.  People that go out of their way to be kind, to spread joy, to make sure we (family and friends) are ok. 

Kindness from loving, generous people has been God’s whisper in my ear for as long as I can remember.

My grandma was my first experience  with kindness outside of my home and then later on, I experienced and continue to witness kindness in my life as an adult. 

There are so many opportunities in life to show kindness, to let people know we care, that they are not alone or forgotten.  So many times we think “you know, I should do this or that for..” but then we get distracted with life and forget to carry through with our intentions.  

I came across this great quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson that speaks so well about doing acts of kindness. 

“You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” RWE ❤️

Image: my big cup of coffee looking at me, warm and flavorful. A new book rests on my lap and I cannot wait to dig in and be inspired as I savor the taste of this cup. 

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Thursday, March 26, 2020

Happy Thursday!!! ❤️

Nothing special happening today other than the fact that our internet service will be down today for maintenance in our neighborhood, which means, we can’t really work from home so we are all taking a day off and relaxing.

It will be a day of Netflix and Prime movie watching, maybe starting a series and I’m excited about an audible book I starting today as well.  

I have a few dishes I want to make and I’m sure I’ll spend plenty of time in the kitchen, one of my favorite spots. 

Yesterday, we got really, really great news from the President of the College my oldest daughter attends and it made all this Covid-19 isolation nightmare a lot more bearable.

Grateful for the sparks of hope and joy and blessings in our lives. ❤️

Image: my cup of coffee sitting right in front of me, to the right sits a plate with a homemade cinnamon roll and to my left on the floor, my sweet dog Daisy. I’m feeling relaxed and content within myself and this red coffee cup with flavorful and good smelling coffee is helping the mood.

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Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Hey there world! ☀️☕️

As many of you have been doing, we’ve been quarantined for a few days now as well, and it’s ok.  Based on statistics it seems as we might still have to do it for another couple of weeks at least and the idea of it made me think of the time I was home recovering from a full hysterectomy eight years ago next month.

I remember the anxiety and anticipation prior to my hysterectomy. My youngest daughter was just nine years old and the idea of something going wrong really scared me, but I knew it was something that had to be done. 

After surgery I was bed bound and later home bound for eight weeks which seemed like an eternity at the time.  I remember DREADING every minute I spent in bed and at home, all I wanted to do was leave my house and be productive again.  

After that recovery I found myself very quickly incorporating to the daily life I had prior to my surgery and recovery and at one point my life was so busy that I craved that time of solitude and peace I had been given during my recovery at home from the hysterectomy and day dreamed about the things I could’ve done while being home, but I “wasted” that time worrying and being frustrated about what I couldn’t do instead of living in the present. 

I was almost close to approaching this coronavirus with the same mentality when something awoke inside of me and made me realize how precious this time at home it is right now.

For as terrible as it seems (and it’s definitely not a walk in the park), our quarantine is giving us an opportunity to rest, to be with our family, to have unlimited conversations, to discuss things otherwise we wouldn’t talk about, to make plans and to simply be there for each other... keeping a healthy distance of course! 😉

Starting today, I will purposefully embrace our time of solitude and the unexpected and unplanned moments I have been given with my family.  I will organize the many drawers and cabinets I had been craving to organize and I will continue to spend as much time in the kitchen creating “art” in the form of delicious food for me and my family. 

These moments won’t last forever, but for as long as they last, I will make my best effort at making them as easy and pleasant as I possibly can. I will control what I can control. ❤️

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Tuesday, March 24, 2020

It’s been a busy day at home! Everyone started moving early working and doing school from home.  Even square space of our house is occupied with a warm body and a laptop.  My oldest daughter set up her school space in the basement and I’m really loving the look.

My husband is in the house office with many screens that he needs to do his work.  Bella is floating around not doing school her, she start next week as this is supposed to be her spring break, and I’m working from home from the kitchen. 

I managed to make homemade cinnamon rolls this morning and they turned out amazing if I say so myself!  I had been wanting to try them and in all honesty I was afraid they wouldn’t turn out good enough or that it would take me too long to make.  Well, I wrong about number one, but right about number two. 😬 But the effort was well worth it!

It’s amazing how fast time goes when you think you have all the time in the world.  The first day of being at home I really thought I was going to loose my sanity, but thankfully I got into a routine and now, I’m kind of liking this quarantine situation, for the time being at least. 

I have a few more hours of work, and then I’m making another Mexican dish for dinner and I’m SO excited about it! I love my kitchen and I love cooking! 😍

Image: me, holding a spring coffee cup that always makes me smile, wearing one of my favorite sweaters that feels so soft on my skin and admiring our indoor lemon tree. ❤️

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Monday, March 23, 2020

This is the first day for everyone to work and do school from home, well, except for Bella since she’s “officially” on her spring break.

Stan already has poor connection because everyone is using laptops to do work. Michelle is a bit frantic about making sure she makes every meeting and every online training... Bella is trying to sleep or relax while there is all kinds of commotion in the house with set ups and me, well, I just went outside to take a fresh breath of air a picture of the pretty snow in my PAJAMAS, that’s right people! I’m scared of what this shelter in place situation will do to my image, haha! Joking, joking... I’ve got plans for later, like house plans that is! 😉

I’ve been thinking a lot about the need for doctors right now in the midsts of Coronavirus.  My migraines and my daughter’s migraines have been off the charts!!! I blame them number one to the change of weather and barometric pressure lately, and then of course, stress, two of my major triggers.  Not having the option to seek the proper medical assistance now when doctors offices and hospitals are the number one places you should avoid unless you really, really need them, it’s a big stressor. 

For right now, I’ll do what I can do.  I’ll handle the things that are in my control and I’ll shower, put some lipgloss on, a little mascara and I’ll tackle the next house project and meal for my family. 

Control what you can... control what you can! ❤️

Image: me holding one of my favorite coffee cups, the very first church fest I attended after I was hired at the church where I work.  I’m wearing pajama pants, a comfy sweatshirt and standing by all the beautiful indoor trees and plans my husband has in our home. 🌿

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Sunday, March 22, 2020

Morning coffee with Maria turned into evening coffee after dinner tonight.

Today was a very busy day for me considering we are in a quarantine/shelter in place situation and I should be feeling bored out of my mind not having anywhere to go, but it was the complete opposite and I’m actually thankful for the opportunity to work because I thrive on routine and having a schedule.  Routine gives me purpose and peace of mind. 

Since I am in charge of all communications at the church where I work, and our church and most churches across the county are closed due to Coronavirus, I’ve had a lot of projects land on my lap these past few days.  I’ve been busy uploading, editing and putting together all sorts of communication for different media platforms so we can stay connected with our faith community.  That work connection has helped my faith tremendously as well. 

Miraculously, I was able to make a homemade meal in between work projects today.  Barbacoa tostadas it was with all its fixings and toppings and they were delicious!!! 

After a full day of work and some cooking in between we all sat down at the kitchen table to enjoy our meal together and share our thoughts and feelings about what’s going on in the world around us now.  I am really, really hurting for my children and the opportunities that were abruptly whisked away from their hands at the result of this horrible virus that has impacted the whole world.   We have very little to no control over this, and yes, although I am extremely thankful that we can all be together during this challenging times, this is not how the story we imagined was supposed to be.  This situation has been another reminder for all of us of what’s important in life and how fragile life is. 

I’m sitting alone in the quiet of the kitchen right now looking out the window watching the snow fall.  My family has moved on to do other things, the kitchen is clean, leftover food has been put away and soon we will be sitting together in the living room watching a movie. 

Embracing these unexpected moments of family time and holding on to my faith that always lifts me up. ❤️

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Saturday, March 21, 2020

‘Twas the night before shelter in place when everything was quite at home and we sat at the table to eat, and the girls and I cried as we ate...”

Well, it happened, we had all been holding it in for too many days and life is pretty overwhelming right now for all of us no matter how well we are disguising those feelings.  

Last night after a long, long day at work, I came home tired and hungry with still a few things to take care of and a few calls to make.  Bella had made dinner for all of us and delicious pizzas and pasta were waiting for us. All I wanted to do was wash my hands and eat, I was feeling hungrier than ever before. 

After blessing our food and taking a few bites of our meal the table got quiet, which is a rare characteristic at our house, we are loud and vivacious people! I looked to my left and Bella’s face was filled with tears, I looked across the table where Michelle was sitting and same situation, then I started crying because I’m hurting for them.

I’m hurting for them because just like many of our children, they had many great and exciting things planned for their end of their school year.  Sports, plays, events, fundraisers and programs they had been working SO hard for, for a long time!!! 

I’m hurting for them because none of this seems fair.  I know, I know we can’t control this, and we have to put our focus on other more important things, but THIS, also hurts and it sucks and it’s pretty overwhelming and I don’t like it one bit that for as much as I tried to make life right for them and pretend this is just a stage and life will go on (as it will eventually), I know they are still hurting and I can’t do anything to bring back all those opportunities missed. 

My wise and deep thinking eldest daughter brought up a few good points last night about the struggles other kids their ages face day after day in other parts of the world.  I won’t go into detail here because that’s not my conversation to share, but her balance and understanding for other people’s sufferings which are WAY greater to ours, brought us all, sitting around the table, a lot of comfort. 

Check on your children often during these times. If they are far away or under your same roof.  They are struggling in some way no matter what their faces are telling you.  These are hard times, and life around us as we knew it has changed.  We just have to keep praying and hoping that life will resume to a new normal soon. ❤️

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Friday, March 20, 2020

Home Sweet Home!!! ❤️

Yesterday we got home from a road trip we took to New York City to pick up my oldest daughter from school.  During these times of uncertainty, having my entire family under the same roof, gives me great comfort. 

Speaking of dreams (refer to my coffee blog post from yesterday 😉), I had a strange dream last night. I think I need to start drinking chamomile tea before I go to sleep, haha!

I dreamt that Stan had surprised me and and a young son (uhm... maybe my dream of fostering or adopting will one day become a reality? 🤔😍), anyways... I had a dream that Stan had surprised us with a cruise, literally he let us know as we were casually walking a pier.  He exclaimed “by the way, we are going on a vacation, NOW!” And my mom/wife instinct kicked in before I could process the excitement and surprise of it all. I was like, wait what? What about about our clothes, and toiletries, and most importantly YOUR heart medicine and my migraine medicine?” I panicked, but we had no choice but to get on as they were rushing us in.  As the smaller ship that was taking us on a whale exploring trip before we got on the big cruise took off, our child fell off the boat, and I don’t remember feeling that kind of panic and anxiety before. I didn’t know if he could swim, and I knew Stan couldn’t for sure!  I was about to jump in the water when two crew members from the ship jumped in and rescued him. All was well after that and we decided to just enjoy the moment and get what we needed once we were inside the big cruise ship, after all, money can be replaced, but happiness has to be lived in the present. ❤️

Dreams can be so vivid and feel so real in the moment, and now that I’m looking back at it, and discerning what it all meant or not meant, maybe, somehow, I’m processing what is going on in the world right now through my dreams and imagination.  This health crisis is very real, but I am also finding comfort in the glimpses of hope that dreams and thoughts like this one give me.  

We might be going through turbulent and rocky waters right now, but one day soon we will be able to enjoy all the things we’ve always loved.  For right now, we need to live in the moment, ENJOY the moments we are given with our family and in our kitchen or whatever space in our homes we choose to spend most of our time, and think that this too shall pass.  We will too be rescued and hope will he restored... one day. 

In the meantime, may we fervently pray for those whose health has been and is affected directly by this virus, by the medical professionals who have no choice but to go into work and care for the ill, and the many service men and women working around the clock to provide us with all the necessities all of us quarantined people need to survive these times.  THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS!!! ❤️

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Thursday, March 19, 2020

When life forces you to slow down, we really need to listen and reflect about the way we live our lives.

What’s really important in our lives? What really matters?

Physical and spiritual health no question about it. Without those two, we don’t have anything. 

In our modern society of always or often wanting to attain more, to be ahead of everyone’s game, to take things for granted and to forget where we come from and who we are, this moment in our lives is a perfect opportunity to re-evaluate and make an inventory of who and what really matters in our lives. 

When I was a child I had a dream about the world ending. The Iran-Iraq world was at it’s peek at the moment and there was a lot of uncertainty in our lives, in the lives and safety of the world.  I remember watching the news and all of the information I watched on tv or read in the newspapers really impacted me.  

One night, I had a dream about a news correspondent announcing that there would be a nuclear bomb and the world would end.  I remember that dream vividly. In my dream, my mom gathered everyone in the kitchen, our favorite gathering place.  My mom, my dad, my two brothers and my grandma, mom’s mother stood there in a circle, we held hands and told each other how much they meant to us and how much we loved each other.  I remember feeling panic at first, but my mom was making this terrible experience, a peaceful one.  As I write about it, it makes me think about Roberto Benigni’s movie “Life is Beautiful”.   Parents always want the best for their children. 

I remember praying with my family and literally waiting for this “bomb” to go off and our lives to end.  Well, the bomb didn’t go off, and our lives didn’t end, but I also remember waking up from that dream (nightmare I should say), feeling extremely thankful that our lives had been spared and that we had a second chance at life. 

May we take this moment of sadness and uncertainty in our lives to really look around us, to take care of each other, to rest if we have the opportunity and to appreciate the unexpected moments of togetherness with our loved ones. 

This too shall pass. ❤️

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Wednesday, March 18, 2020

It seems almost impossible not to talk about the impact that COVID-19 is causing to our society, to our lives, to our world. 

I have to admit that just a couple of days ago I started to feel quite anxious about this situation.  Anxiousness and negativity are not my personality traits but the overwhelming amount of news and statistics coming to us from every direction and not having my entire family under the same roof given the circumstances was making me feel very much out of control. 

My instinct was to pick up as many provisions as I could, clean and disinfect our house, and take all the vitamins possible, at least I felt like I was doing my best at staying sane and in control. 

Doing those things helped me some but the uncertainty of the current situation that keeps growing and changing day by day is enough to make you go a little crazy and overwhelmed. 

I have been particularly sadden for all the High School and College Seniors that had so many things to look forward for the end of their school year.  Meaningful events, sports, trips to celebrate their milestones, one last dance, one last party, many goodbyes and the list can go on and on.

Yes, it’s OK to feel sad, overwhelmed, and anxious about the domino effect of this virus, these are scary times we are living, but I think it’s also extremely important to talk about the opportunities and possibilities the future holds for us once we get out of this situation and when life goes back to normal. 

I also believe that our normal will be a new normal.  We are learning a lot of life lessons.  We are learning about not taking life for granted at a new level, to appreciate our health, to TAKE CARE of our health, to value those around us, to be grateful for our jobs, for the food we eat, the fun we have, the trips we take and the relationships that nourishes us.  We are also learning how little to no control we have over our lives and how much our lives matter.  

As we look at the world around us and realize how much things have changed in so little time, let us give thanks for the many blessings in our lives.  The gift of family, friendship, food, and life.

May we continue to pray for each other and wrap our arms around each other virtually, until we once again, can take down the social distancing barriers that are separating us at the present moment.  Sending my love to all of you... be well! ❤️

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Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Do you speak about your deceased loved ones often?! I do, ALL the time!!! I bring them up in conversations as if there were still with us, among us, teaching us, loving us, accompanying us through life.

Today would’ve been my aunt Patty’s 66th birthday.  My aunt was my mom’s second youngest sibling and there are many stories that could be retold about my aunt Patty from the moment she was born and I could never find the right words to describe the impact that she made in my life.

From the day I can remember, she was a constant presence in my life.  I spent MANY days at her house growing up.  As a matter of fact, I spent quite a few Summers at her house.  At the end of one Summer she even asked my mom if I could stay at her house for that school year, to which my mom said... I don't think so! Ha! 

I had the privilege and the honor to be part of her life as if I were a daughter.  Her sons always felt like they were my youngest brothers.  I attended endless school events for my cousins, went on vacations with them and often participated in their every day activities. 

For her oldest son's second birthday, she threw the biggest birthday party I have ever attended, it was so big, TLC could've made a show based on that party.  She didn't live in our hometown at the time, but she flew us all cousins with my grandmother as a chaperone to her city of residence to attend this famous party.  A party that I am sure none of us will ever forget.  This birthday party had everything from carnival rides (yes, an amusement company showed up days before the party to set up her home grounds) to a stage with entertainment, food booths, and everything else in between, all with a Muppets theme.  What an amazing time that was!!!

My aunt Patty traveled the world, she met world diplomats on the way and had the privilege of flying in the Concorde from Washington to Paris at one point in her life. 

But the things I remember the most from those years were the ENDLESS hours we spent laughing.  Singing karaoke at the top of our lungs and eating out because we both loved food.

Here she is with my brothers and I, on my 7th birthday party.

Witnessing her zest for life and experiencing the endless love she had for all those around her will always be one of my biggest blessings.

May we always speak the names of our departed loved ones... for they journey with us in Spirit. 💚

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Monday, March 16, 2020

Happy Monday!!! ❤️

With all the uncertainty going on in the world these days, we need all the happiness, hearts and positivity we can get. 

Yesterday was not a great day for me in the “Maria is always positive” department.  I have to admit that for the first time in my life I felt like I had no control over things and it frightened me.  

I’ve gone through a lot in my somewhat young life, but nothing has made me feel like this coronavirus crisis has made me feel the past few days, especially yesterday.  The fact that one of my children is far away from us couple be the reason behind it.

Last night before I went to sleep, my husband and I had a really great conversation and we prayed together, and that intimacy, that soul connection put everything back into perspective for me.  It reminded me of who I am, who WE are, are faith, our beliefs, our hope, our humor, our own ways of starving positive in the midst of crisis, which we’ve had plenty of in our married years together. 

We HAVE to stay hopeful, prayer for and compassionate towards others.  May we spread positivity and practice respect for people’s feelings fa and fears. Everyone desks with uncertainty in their own way, and that’s OK! No one said my way of dealing with stress and fear is more valid than the rest and viceversa.

Respect... love... positivity... HOPE! ❤️

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Sunday, March 15, 2020

Today proved to get the best part of me feeling a little too anxious and uncertain about the current health crisis.

A friend reminded me about the importance of staying positive and that’s what I’m trying to do. 

Positive girl works on positivity, how about that? 

I hope that one day soon we will all be able to resume to normal, ordinary days, in the meantime... let’s stay calm and pray for one another. ❤️

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Saturday, March 14, 2020

Today was such a special day!!! One of those days when your heart and soul feel renewed. Renewed by faith, by love and by hope. 

Today was the first closing day at the church where I work after announcing mandatory shut down of operations due to the coronavirus crisis.  The idea of not celebrating liturgy for three full weeks hurt us, not only the parish staff who breaths liturgical celebrations on a regular basis, but also our faith community at large.  With those feeling in our hearts, we decided to stream Mass as we do every week.  The first Mass was recorded today and I could never fully put into words what that experience was.

It might’ve been an empty church with just a couple of people celebrating Mass, but the Holy Spirit was present and it was an amazing feeling.

My feet might be tired at the end of another long, long day of work, but my heart is filled with joy. ❤️

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Friday, March 13, 2020

I’ve been working for the Archdiocese of Chicago for 24 years and I’ve never experienced anything like this.  

After a long round table meeting this morning with the office staff and supported by Cardinal Cupich’s recommendations and guidelines from local public health departments, the decision was made to shut down our church campus for three weeks.  

There is a LOT of work ahead to keep the spirituality of this Lenten season especially in the midst of so much uncertainty and anxiety that people are experiencing, but we believe this is what had to be done. We are doing our part for this virus to stop spreading.

I’m sitting at my kitchen table after a VERY long day between both jobs and with many hard decisions and preparations for a campus shut down at job #1 and I’m feeling a little spent and my soul hurts a little at the events happening, but must stay prayerful, hopeful and continue to use common sense.

I read a quote today that said “prayer is the bridge between panic and peace”, and as a faithful person, that brings a lot of comfort. ❤️

Ending my day with a gingerale, because I needed something sweet and bubbly to end this unexpected day of events. 

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Thursday, March 12, 2020

Yesterday, a lady I’ve known from church since I started working there 24 years ago, invited me over for dinner at her home. 

I had never been to her home but I knew it would be lovely and classy just like her and I was right.  Walking in was like walking into the finest bed and breakfast you’ve ever visited.  Every corner of her home spoke about her life.  A few and wonderful pictures were perfectly sitting on credenzas and side tables.  A few mementos from her travels and some some incredible people she’s met along the way hang on her wall.  Her kitchen... well, I could’ve sat there for hours and hours and hours. It was wonderful and cozy and just perfect in every way.  By perfect I don’t mean extravagant in every way, that’s never my definition of perfect.  I prefer simplicity with a touch of elegance. 

I walked in and she immediately took my coat, and we proceeded to her kitchen where she had a made from scratch quiche baking in the oven and a couple of bottles of wine sitting on her kitchen aisle waiting for me to decide which one I wanted poured in my glass.  

While the quiche finished baking, we sat and talked and talked and talked. Then we moved to her dining room which was already beautifully set up for our meal.  We savored a delicious meal of veggie quiche, steamed asparagus and a garden salad with a balsamic homemade dressing.  For dessert, a chocolate coffee ice cream bar that was just as succulent as ever!

I could go on and on about how her home made me feel, her space is just as lovely as she is, but what really warmed my heart was our conversation, the connection we made and the many things we discovered we have in common.  See, we’ve known each other for many, many years, but we’ve never had a conversation like this before, where we bared our souls and poured our hearts out.  I haven’t been this comfortable with someone lately about sharing my deepest desires and life experiences and brokenness and love that make me who I am.  

As I was driving home after our five hour dinner and conversation, I thought of the title of the Lenten Mission we just had at our church these past few days “We Come To Share Our Story”, and boy did we and how! 

I absolutely LOVE encounters with humans that are willing to share a piece of their life and their story just the way I do. We ALL have a story, and we grow in love and faith by sharing our stories and supporting each other. 

I woke up craving more of this intimate relationships and friendships.  I am still feeling the love that surrounded our dinner table and the way we supported each other by sharing each other’s stories.  

I knew it’d be an evening of great conversation when we started saying “I’ve gone through that too... that’s happened to me... I’ve done that...” 

Walked in as an acquaintance, left with a new friend. ❤️

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Wednesday, March 11, 2020

Yesterday, I really struggled making it through the day with an award winning migraine and so many things on my to do list.  I kept myself well hydrated, that seems to be working for me well; and prayed and prayed that the intensity of the migraine would lessen as the day progressed so I could really focus and be present at work and the mission.  Thankfully, my prayers were answered.

Last night was the last of the three day series of the Lenten Mission at the church where I work.  The feeling I had walking out of the church after the presentation was over and I had done a few things in the office, was like no other. 

A great feeling of sadness came over me as I was walking towards almost an empty and dark parking lot of the church at the realization that these amazing presentations were over and almost instantly, an overwhelming feeling of joy and gratefulness manifested in front of me, how awesome is that!

I was overjoyed and overwhelmed with so many feelings, and I felt so incredibly blessed to have been part of this amazing opportunity to reflect on my life and grow in faith.  

There have been plenty of times in my life when I’ve felt broken, unheard, under appreciated and forgotten, but I have always have the gift of the cross, the gift of the hope of resurrection where I choose to center my life and that keeps me going.  My faith has rescued me many times, and I am so incredibly thankful to have that gift to grasp on when my soul is aching. 

My faith has been true nourishment in my life and has redeemed me and made me whole many times over.  

Keeping my eyes fixed on what’s really important and matters in my life will always be something I make a priority.  It’s so easy to get distracted from what really matters nowadays especially with social media at our fingertips and an overwhelming amount of news sources and this Lenten Mission was such a great reminder and awakening of who we are, what we do, our purpose in life and where we are going... thankful for this blessing. ❤️

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Tuesday, March 10, 2020

It has been challenging navigating this day, but I’ve made it through this late into the day and that’s all that counts. 

I am a BIG fan of great customer service and I was fortunate to experience that today.  

My oldest daughter who is away at College is once again (boo 😢) not feeling great.  The skies have heard my plea for complete healing for this girl, and I know it’s coming, but in the meantime, I keep doing what I can as a mom to help her deal with the various health issues she’s been struggling with.

Out of desperation today and because I really, really want to see her healed and well I went online and found a company that could deliver drugstore items for a small fortune.  I don’t even care anymore, I’m willing to get a third job to pay for her medical necessities if needed.

I picked this and that and then some... with every “aisle” I browsed on their website I got more and more excited.  I wanted her to have not only the vitamins and protein shakes and healthy oils but also some healthy  snacks. 

A few minutes after I had placed my order I received a call from an unknown caller and I picked up in case it was their company, and it was.  It was the worker at Walgreens picking up the items I had picked and he couldn’t find exactly the brands I had selected.  He went out of his way to find a Walgreens employee and then put them on the phone with me so we could figure things out. Him and the Walgreens employee literally walked the aisles while they had me on the phone until I had all the right thing. 

The story doesn’t end there.  Michelle’s school has a strict policy about receiving packages for students and the doorman could not accept any packages at the address I had included in my order which I didn’t know then.  

Michelle had to go downstairs to the lobby to talk to the doorman and ask if he would be kind enough to receive that order for her since I didn’t know about that policy. He said “of course!” 

The second time the Postmates worker called me with questions about my order I told the situation with the school not accepting deliveries like that but that the doorman has been notified. 

After he made the delivery, the Postmates employee personally called me and told me he had walked in to make the delivery and made sure the person my daughter had talked to had the order.

HUGE team work and AMAZING customer service on ALL counts!!!

I might had developed a migraine this morning from worrying too much about my kid, but there are certainly angels on this earth, and today they delivered Vitamin C and probiotics among other things! ❤️

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Monday, March 9, 2020

Happy Monday!!! May this week be a week of new strengths and new opportunities, maybe some rest and always, a week surrounded by love. 

Yesterday, I attended our church’s Lenten Mission, it was the first night of the three day series and it was amazing! 

The first night focused on the Samaritan woman at the well, one of the most inspiring passages in the Bible.  A woman not accepted by society and rejected by everyone goes to the well one day to draw water in the afternoon so she can avoid interacting with anyone. She’s afraid of judgment and rejection, but when she goes there at odd times of the day who does she meet there? No one else but Jesus as he passed through Samaria.  She couldn’t believe that Jesus was asking her, a sinful woman, someone everyone rejected, to give him water from the well. 

We can learn a lot of lessons from this passage of John but two of the most important lessons for me are that Jesus alone is the living water that fills our voids and when we put our faith in him we can rest assure that our well will never be dry.

The passage of the Samaritan woman at the well is one of the most lovable passages because it tells us that Jesus is not faced by sin, Jesus is all forgiving and he knows our deepest weaknesses and desires and he forgives us and loves us unconditionally, just as we do our children.  We are children of God and therefore we are loved and forgiven. 

One of the things highlighted at last night’s presentation was this. If you want to be happy do these things 

1. Live in the present

2. Don’t be in a hurry 

3. Don’t take yourself too seriously

4. Be grateful, find reasons to give thanks

How awesome is that?! I think that if we go by those “rules” on our day to day life, we have a pretty good chance at being happy and living a fulfilling life.

And as Father Ed says “Peace and everything good”, that is my wish to you. ❤️

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Sunday, March 8, 2020

Happy Sunday!!! ❤️

The sun is shining in all its glory today, it’s going to get up to 60 degrees at some point during the day and I have nothing going on until later tonight and I’m so thrilled with the opportunity sit back and relax, maybe I’ll even take a nap! 🥰

A few weeks ago I think I talked about how much I love the noises of my home, noises that speak of love more than anything else.  I love waking up in the morning and be part of the many conversations that take place in our kitchen while we cook breakfast, then sitting down at the table sharing a meal, there is always some type of debate about what’s happening in the world and the very different points of view especially between the young of the family and the not so young that were born at very different times in life.  All it takes sometimes to start a fierce conversation is my husband saying “oh how times have changed from when I was growing up...” to my kids starting to defend their own count of events and the way they look at life from a quite different perspective.

I love our conversations, our noise, our feistiness, our humor and US! Their presence is a daily reminder of how very blessed we are by simply having each other. ❤️

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Saturday, March 7, 2020

I love my home, I love my people.  I love the humans under my roof, even the one that belongs under this roof but is now far away working hard towards her big dreams. 

I love waking up on Saturday mornings with no agenda other than catching up on house work, maybe a cooking a meal or two and spending time together with my family with all the ins and outs of the day.  

It’s in the high 40’s today in Chicago and sunny during winter, which means, our moods get an extra boost of vitamin D!  

Stan has been LOVING the weather today, has gone out to the yard and garage a few times to work on stuff, he’s even washing his car haha! I think he went a little far with that, but hey, he’s having the time of his life enjoying the outdoors.  He came in just a minute ago looking for Bella “Bella, come here, I want to show you something!” Well, Bella is in the sweet arms of Morpheus right now after a two hour Badminton practice that started at 7 am. 

I said “what’s going on, what do you need? She’s sleeping!” Stan: “oh nothing, I just want to show her how to garden, I just saw something very cool outside!” And that was just enough to give my level of happiness today another super extra boost!!! ❤️

Today, I am thankful for my beautiful and quirky family.  Thankful for our conversations and our moments together.  Thankful for all the opportunities that life presents to my girls, and especially thankful for the gift of Stan in our lives, because he’s not only a great husband but also an AMAZING father to our daughters! 💕

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Friday, March 6, 2020

It was such a long day that I started cooking dinner at 9 pm tonight.  But let me tell you what I’m really proud of today...

A few days ago I decided I would start eating a little healthier (don’t know why but it made me think of this. I really don’t like it when people say they eat “clean”, well don’t we all eat clean??? We wash our fruits and veggies and cook in clean environments don’t we?!” 😉 in my opinion, THAT is eating clean!)... proceed Maria! 

Since Christmas I’ve eaten anything that crosses my path and at any time of the day and it really wasn’t serving me any good in any way, so a week ago I decided enough was enough and I would (at least for the time being), have a little more control over my eating habits. 

I am a big emotional eater and that’s usually my main issue when it comes to food.  The funny thing is that I resource to “not so good for me” foods when I’m feeling stressed, tired, overwhelmed and simply not my best.  When I’m happy and thriving and feel at my best is when I crave all the healthy stuff, and I don’t even mind cooking it even when I don’t have the time for it.

Tonight I came home very late from work after working on a few projects and before I left Stan had texted me asking if I wanted to grab something to eat.  I knew none of the food choices tonight (if we ate out), would be as healthy as the food I had plan on cooking tonight, and I succeeded in staying firm and going straight home to cook my yummy food. 

All in all, it was a great day at the office, a good day for my kids (always makes me the happiest!) and we also ended the night with good and nutritious food on our plates and now, I’m about to start a movie on Netflix.  Happy, simple days are some of my favorite days! ❤️

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Thursday, March 5, 2020

Last night was not a good nigh’s sleep for me. Even though I was in bed at 9 pm determined to get solid 8-9 hours of sleep, I tossed and turned and thought about a million things that were in and out of my mind.  

I watched a documentary with Morgan Freeman the other day and in the many things he did and the people he interviewed, he talked to a Buddhist monk and he spoke to him about the importance of meditation, focusing in the present moment and letting go of the past and not thinking about the future while being in complete silence and meditating.  Well, I tried that last night to see if that would put me to sleep, instead, the silence was an open invitation to ALL the things I hadn’t even been thinking about from the past, present and future... ay Maria!!! In my defense, that was a really hard practice for Morgan Freeman too when he did it the first time, so there is that! 😌

My restless night yesterday and my failed attempt at meditation made me very aware of the excessive level of noise in our lives, in the world in general.  We are constantly surrounded by interruptions and brain stimulants.  Technology for once, has been a huge part of our busy brains, always doing, always wanting, always reaching out to check on something or tempted to start a new project or simply even feel the touch of whatever electronic we might have at hand.  

Of course, instead of sleeping OR meditating last night, my creative brain started coming up with ideas on “how to find more solitude in our busy world.” It’s not like I was inventing the wheel by any means, but I think solitude and contentment comes in different shapes and colors for everyone and speaking for myself, I really need to start making an effort to find moments of quiet and solitude that will restore my soul in return.  

Thankfully, I am a very happy, content person, but even I crave mystical moments every here and there, in fact, those are some of my most treasured life moments. 

One day at a time, one moment of meditation at a time will hopefully make magic happen. 💫

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Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Today’s winter feels like spring and I am taking advantage of such glorious sunshine by drinking my afternoon coffee on the porch during my lunch break. 

This weather makes me crave summer a little more, I’m ready for evening walks and most importantly, meals “al fresco” my favorite way to eat! 😊 If I had it my way, I’d eat every meal on the deck, it’s so peaceful and ours always looks lovely with Stan’s many plants and flowers. 

I’m starting to plan my trip to New York to go see my daughter’s play and attend her graduation and I can hardly wait!!! #1 I’m beyond excited to see her perform, #2 how is it possible that she’s already graduating and starting her new life as an adult... and #3 I really, really, really need some time off from my many jobs ha, and an opportunity to just take in the blessings life presents us with. 

I can’t believe it’s already 1 pm, where has the time gone? Time to go back to work so I can be back at home later to enjoy family time! Follow me?! 😂💃❤️

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Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Today was a very good day, a really good day actually! One of those days where everything just seems to flow.

I woke up a little earlier than usual today for no reason other than some strange dreams I was having about my brother swimming with whales, I know strange! But you know what’s even more strange, the fact that I called him today to tell him about my dream and he said “wow, I spent  good portion of the day yesterday researching about whales and watching videos about whales!” Wait, what??? I’m still a little shocked about this, interesting how we are so connected in so many ways with people we love. 

Speaking of connection and love, today our office staff took some time to pray and reflect about the season of Lent. It was a very special time and I felt nourished by it.  After that, we celebrated the birthdays of the month (actually, last months birthdays), and we sat around the table to eat lunch together and then eat birthday cake.  It’s nice to be able to do special things like that once in a while, especially when work gets so busy for us during special liturgical seasons. 

I’m sharing a picture of Stan holding his now favorite cup that my girlfriend gave me. Instead his cup holds tea instead of coffee.  I was so busy running around doing other things today that I forgot to photograph my cup of coffee, but I am glad I took a picture of these sweet hands holding his favorite drink. 😌💃

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Monday, March 2, 2020

I was driving past my daughter’s High School this morning on my way to work when all of a sudden an ocean of memories and emotions took over me. 

For a few years now I’ve said many times “I can’t wait to be done with High School years”, and by that, I’m referring to the typical drama that comes with it, but the truth of the matter is, I think I’ll miss these years. 

SO many memories, friendships made, feelings hurt, sports, trying new things, music programs, football games, curriculum nights, helping both of my daughters navigate the waters of High School in many different ways, and so much more.  I could write an entire page about this, but not now, maybe one day. 

When the little of the family walks out of her High School a day in May, the dynamics of our small family of four will really change, a big chapter of our lives will close and we will start new ones.  After all, that’s what life is all about, isn’t it? 

Time to wipe those tears and rejoice in what it has been instead of it won’t be anymore... but just in case, I better stock on water proof mascara, April and May are very promising waterfalls, the happy kind. ❤️❤️

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Sunday. March 1, 2020

Welcome March!!! 💚

I love starting a new month.  It’s like a mini New Year where you get to start over, make plans, maybe dream new goals, and simply rejoice in the endless opportunities of brand new 30 days.

I have been really wanting to do some type of exercise but my schedule lately has been given me spare time to eat and sleep and I simply can’t stretch myself anymore, and if I did u would put my physical, emotional and mental health at risk.  Self care is always important, but especially when we are doing too much. 

I’ve always been very ambitious when it comes to occupying my time in things that help me grow in different ways, and I know that eventually I’ll find the time to squeeze in a few work outs here and there, basically to keep my body healthy and flexible, because I already eat all the healthy things, so I’m good in that area.

Today is a work day for me and I’m already dreaming of the moment when the clock strikes 6 pm so I can be in the comfort of my home, in something comfy, eating something delicious and maybe watching a movie.  No big plans for tonight and I’m kind of happy about that, I need a few hours to myself to recharge so I can start a new work week tomorrow.  I have a lot of exciting office projects to work on this week, and I kind of like it there, I get to use my creativity, talk and mingle with people I love and grow as a person and in faith by simply being within the walls of my work space.  Pretty awesome if you ask me! 😉

Wishing everyone a wonderful March filled with love and growth and laughter.  May we learn to look at the wakening of each day, as a new miracle in our lives. ❤️

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Saturday, February 29, 2020

"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."  Maya Angelou

Sometimes the ache for home, the ache for seeing, hugging and being in the presence of the people who have known us from our very beginnings is a little more evident than others and today is one of those days.  

Being so far away from my parents and brothers hurts a little more some days.  Today, I’ve missed everything about them and our moments together. 

Hoping I get to visit them soon. ❤️

This leap day turned out to be a rainbow of emotions.  Unexpected exciting news, celebration, exhaustion from long hours of work, melancholy and late night naps on the couch is what today was all about and I’m ready to kiss this great/not so great day... good night!

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Friday, February 28, 2020

Happy Friday everyone!!! 😍

I love Fridays no matter if it’s my work weekend (which it is) or not.  Weekends are a great opportunity to recharge, to change the pace of our daily lives and spend time with our families doing things other than work and school.

Today, I decided to wake up a lot earlier than usual and give my work day a head start and I have to say that it was a very smart decision!  I was able to work on a few projects before the hustle and bustle of office hours and feel like I was more in control of things, instead of feeling frantic about the day.  I love it when that happens.

Our oldest daughter has been very busy at school getting ready for end of the productions and graduation and it’s been so fun hearing all the exciting things they have coming up.  Keep dreaming big, keep working hard, we are so proud of you!!! ❤️

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Thursday, February 27, 2020

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray.  My mother had that book when we were growing up... apparently, she was working hard on understanding the man from Mars she lived with, my Father. 😃 I think it’s a great quote.

Yesterday after a long, long, LONG day of work I decided to stop at Panera and get myself something to eat, it was 9 pm and I was really hungry.  Once I approached the main intersection after leaving work where I would have to decide to go left (home) or right (take out food) I almost went left, I was just so tired and wanted to get home, but I knew there was nothing overly delicious 😋 to eat at home, so of course, I turned right and there was no backing out of that decision at that point. I walked in, ordered myself a pick two, a sandwich and soup, and an iced green tea and I headed home feeling, oh so happy with all the goodies in my brown bag! 

My plan: set up the tv, find the latest episode of Dateline, pause it, put all my food on a TV tray, take it to the family room where the tv is, sit down, put a blanket on my lap, tray on top, hit play and Maria enters the sweet land of relaxation!!! 

Not too fast...

I had taken my second bite of my sandwich, the investigation story was shaping up, and then Stan walks in, sits next to me (all good until now...) and says “well, guess what?”

I thought for sure he was going to tell me about a snowstorm coming, the corona virus spreading, or something of that matter... nope, I was wrong, well, I guess his sharing fits the category of his favorite topics of conversation. 😁

Stan: “I was just on the computer and I found the part your car needs, and it’s a really good price, and with labor and all, it will be half of what the one shop by us had told me it would be, and, and, and...” Me: “are you kidding me??” Ok, I just thought that, I didn’t say it out loud, I’m not that insensitive. 😂

Not sure about you gals, but as long as my car starts, and takes me places, I really don’t care about cars, like at all, maybe that’s why I’ve been driving mine for 18 years now.  And yes, OF COURSE I appreciate Stan’s efforts 100% don’t get too excited, but at this point all I wanted was to eat my sandwich and bond with John Quiñones for one hour before I went to sleep after a long day, was that too much to ask? 😃

And because I am not a rude wife, and I do love Stan more than John Quiñones 😍😂, I paused the show because at this point I had already missed crucial information about the investigation (I know, I know, I wasn’t actually doing the reporting but I really get into them!), and I paused so Stan could tell me all the excitement about the car part. 

I was like “hey listen, we can cuddle under the blanket, hold hands, BUT, you need to let me eat my food and focus on this show so I can go to sleep at a somewhat decent hour.” He had no interest on the show or holding my hand apparently, Lol, so he left to the sweet land of website browsing for all things cars.  

It’s really amazing to me how we humans, men, women, couples, can be so amazingly the same but so different at the same time, apparently, especially when it comes to investigation shows and cars. 😉

I’ve always wanted to read the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, just to see what my mom was trying to discern at that moment and time... next book to read perhaps? 🤔

PS: Stan ordered the part and will be installed next week, my car should be good to go for another 10 years at least, ha! 

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Wednesday, February 26, 2020

Today is Ash Wednesday, a big day in the Catholic Church, but not the highest holy day, even though it might seem that way by the number of times the phones ring at the office asking about distribution of ashes! 😉

I love this time in the liturgical calendar of the church because it allows us to pause and reflect about the brokenness in our lives, to seek redemption, to heal, to renew our souls and our minds to continue journeying through life in a more whole and fuller way. 

I just got home from work now, long day but one of the best days!!! It was a day of reflection, of working together with my work friends, a day of prayer and a day of new beginnings.  Feeling very, very grateful for the gift of my faith and for the faith of all those around me that nourish me in return.  💜

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Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Yesterday, super last minute I asked Bella if she would go with me to the wake of a friend’s father which was almost an hour away and I didn’t feel like driving all the way there and back by myself.  She immediately said yes and so I picked her up after work and off we went.  

That drive back and forth ended up being one of the sweetest times we’ve spent together lately. We just talked and talked about different things, she went through her pictures of her recent school dance and we talked about that too and we simply just enjoyed being in each other’s presence.

On the way back,Bella asked if we could stop for ice cream somewhere or a milkshake and of course we did! This is my kid that never or hardly ever asks for anything, and when she does it’s pretty much the basic.

We ended up stopping at Shake Shack one of my favorite burger places because I hadn’t eaten dinner yet and it was 8 pm - their burger are so tasty and their cheese fries amazing! I tasted Bella’s Shake too and it did not disappoint, so good! 

It was just so nice to be able to sit with that sweet kid of mine and talk and listen to her and be together. I admire every ounce of her being.  No other name would’ve fit her better, she carries her name well, she is as bella inside and out as her name is. 

Bottling up those sweet moments we have at home with her now.  Soon enough she’ll be going away to College and our time together will be more sporadic.  It all happens too quick, I can’t believe it will be four years this Summer that Michelle first moved away to College, and I still miss the ordinary days with her, but I’m also thrilled for the life she is living and the lessons she’s learning in one of her favorite cities. 

Hold them close, hold them tight and tell your children how precious they are and how much you love them often. 💕

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Monday, February 24, 2020

Yesterday was one of those super wholesome family days for us.  We all slept in, had a super delicious breakfast together and we just kind of did stuff around the house.  Later on we went to church, and a few other stops.  It was nice, because big girl in NYC also had a great and happy day and it made me enjoy our own joy here a little more. When both of my kids are happy, this mama’s joymometer gets a little extra boost! 🥰

Stan and I sat at the kitchen table last night with a beverage of our choice... coffee for me and tea for him, how ethnic or us! 😃☕️  It was so nice to just talk about whatever, make plans, dream out loud and simply be in the presence of each other for a short moment.

On a separate note, I’ve been trying to drink more water because I’m not great at that and so far, so good, ok, it’s only day two today 😂 but it counts, doesn’t it?! My body needs the hydration in every sense of the way!

Spread joy, spread love! ❤️

“We need joy as we need air.  We need love as we need water. We need each other as we need the earth we share.” Maya Angelou 

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Sunday, February 23, 2020

Yesterday was quite a day!!!

My youngest daughter had her Winter Formal dance, the very last WF dance at our home since she’s graduating from High School this year and it was a little bittersweet for me.  So bittersweet, I ended up crying on my way to see my friend’s daughters at a musical, gulp! I better stock up on Kleenex with two graduations this year! 

Isn’t she lovely?! 🥰

Ok, let’s talk about the musical now... OMG!!! First, I had never seen Newsies or even heard of it before, my bad, but I decided to go because I love my friend and supporting her sweet and talented daughters in their performances.  I figured “I love musicals anyways, I’m sure I’ll have a good time...” well, not only did I LOVE the story of Newsies but also I was blown away by the talents of the kids that were part of it, I believe all of them High School age and younger. 

The lead performers were just absolutely strikingly talented, and I was especially captivated by one of the lead newsboy’s performance! As I telling a friend yesterday that when my oldest daughter used to perform in Ballets, people used to come to me all the time and say “I could only watch your daughter when she was on stage, she’s amazing!” Of course I thought so because I’m the mom, but now I know what they meant by that, that’s exactly how I felt about this boy yesterday, his performance, energy and talent was completely captivating.  Of course, I made sure to find him and snap a picture with him, you know, in case he makes it big on Broadway or something! 😉

Then I got home late at night, made a sandwich for myself, put Dateline on, then had a paczki and a cup of coffee for dessert after that. Ay María!!! That combination was no bueno that late at night, but it was fully enjoyed if I say so myself! 🥰

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Saturday, February 22, 2020

Happy Saturday off from work day to me!!! 🥳

I have been waiting for this day since last Sunday’s night, that’s right!  Sleeping in days are very rare for me and I do love them, well, if you can call 7:30 am sleeping in, ha! My body can’t seem to be able to sleep longer than that anymore... but perhaps, a nap will be appropriate today. 

Yesterday was such a good day, a feel good kind of day.  Everything seem to flow in harmony at work and I was able to accomplish many tasks, then Stan and I went to see a movie while Bella was at a school basketball game with friends and we all ended the day drinking tea and eating fresh paczkis Stan had brought home from the polish store earlier.  Simple moments, great blessings.

Today my big girl has an important and exciting day and I’m sending her ALL my love and blessings from my little corner of the world.  Bella will kiss goodbye tonight to the very last Winter Formal dance at the High School for the Borla girls, how did that all happened that fast??? Then, I get to see a sweet friend and her beautiful daughters perform at a musical.  

Really looking forward to all the fun and excitement that this day promises.  I treasure my extraordinary, ordinary moments of life. 

Smile to strangers you encounter today, you will be your own witness of the contagious and rippling effect of joy that simple act brings to the giver (you) and to the receiver. Smiling is free, let’s do it more often!!❤️

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Friday, February 21, 2020

A few days ago I was really struggling with a situation that affected me somewhat I guess, but mainly struggling with the “why’s” of someone’s behavior and the consequences, negative consequences that behavior caused.  

I was frustrated because I couldn’t do anything about it, well I guess I could’ve expressed my opinion but that action wouldn’t have reversed the damage, and it would’ve been more damaging spiritually speaking for me at the end, so I opted to stay out of that specific situation. 

As I always do when I’m struggling for spiritual advice and guidance in those matters in my life, I went to my youngest brother, he spent eight years at a monastery when he was younger, and you can’t leave a contemplative place like that after so many years with amazing insight about life.  At least, that’s what I think.  And insight he has.  His faith is deep rooted and not in the most prayerful way, it’s just about the way he views the ordinary moments of life and also the big mysteries that make us pause and think and question ourselves and the world from time to time.  He’s also extremely gifted, the smartest person I’ve ever known, truly. He reads and reads and reads, he’s always learning and striving for more knowledge in every subject. 

Wow, I really do admire him, don’t I, I went off subject pretty fast haha - anyways, I go to him often, especially when I’m struggling with a situation related to ethics and MY way of seeing the world and not conforming to other people’s certain behaviors.

I don’t think I could ever put his words in print exactly the way he said it, but it sums up to this. He said, “whenever you feel feelings like that of frustration, get out, go for a walk, even for a few minutes if it’s cold and look at the trees, and the sky and the animals and ponder and wonder about the miracle of life.  Nature, life in its purest form has the gift of putting things into perspective in our own lives.”

It is crucial that we acknowledge our every feeling, recognize them and give them the importance and attention that it needs but in this particular situation, his words alone brought me a great sense of peace and centered me back to where I was before I started feeling unsettled.  

I feel very grateful for the people in my life that continue to nourish me and support me and most importantly, really listen and pay attention to what I have to say, and make me feel like my words, my actions and my feelings matter. 

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Thursday, February 20, 2020

Stan texted me this morning and said “today is 02-20-20” awww I love him, haha! So cute! 

Any who, today was one of those super long days but super productive too.  I left my house at 8:30 am and got home at 10:30 pm - lunch was had at my desk and so was dinner, but somehow I didn’t mind it at all because I got a lot of important things done and it felt good.

This weekend is my youngest daughter’s Winter Formal dance at her school, the very last High School Winter dance at the Borla’s, many lasts this year indeed.  

Also, Bella doesn’t have a dress to wear yet, that’s right.  Part of it is, procrastination, part of it is lack of time and also, just wanting to relax when we couldn’t gone out looking for a dress.  In her defense, my kids that never likes to spend money, tried literally every single dress in her sister’s closet and hers to see if she could wear one of those dresses, but that didn’t work out, but it’s ok, I said to her she could get a new one, especially since she rarely ever asks for anything. 😊

This weekend is my off weekend at my part time job and it worked out perfectly because I can spend tomorrow night with Bella looking for a dress after work, and then on Saturday I’d enjoy seeing her get all dressed up and off to her dance with friends, and I am so happy about that. It’s all about the simple moments in life that make our life extraordinary.

Off to bed now, tomorrow is another long day... lots to do, not enough hours in the day! 😉

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Wednesday, February 19, 2020

Oh my goodness, I have so much I want to write about, but I’ll have to limit myself because some things are just too private and then there is time... not enough time to explore all the bits and pieces of life on paper. 

Yesterday was a rainbow of emotions, love, frustration, disappointment, joy and teaching moments, but for now I’ll explore the love and joys.

Last night at church Megan Wells, a phenomenal storyteller beautifully presented a monologue about the life of Mary Magdalene, and boy was she amazing!!!  She had everyone attending in awe and by the end of her presentation, people were standing applauding her work.  Of the hundreds of Women at the Well presentations I’ve attended over the years, I think I’ve missed one or two at the most, they are all incredible, but I’ve never seen a response from people like yesterday.  There were tears, there was laughter, there were hugs and there were women gathered in fellowship and love.  A presentation of Mary Magdalene at the well, was the perfect start for us Women at the Well participants to start our Lenten journey.  

The captivating way in which she developed her very own monologue touched me personally in many ways.  The burdens that Mary Magdalene experienced throughout her life, the joys, the friendships, the people that lifted her up and encouraged her and simply her journey of life in a way touched my life as a parent especially.  

She talked about the art of learning to let go, of feeling safe and trusting that with all that, we are washed away in love.  I feel that way with my children especially.  

Being the mom of an adult child, and one that is on her way to adulthood both experiencing the ups and downs of life, their own joys and disappointments there is only so much I can do.  I have had to learn the art of letting go just like Mary Magdalene, I am there for them every step of the way with my words of wisdom and affirmation, my embrace, my LOVE, but then I pray every time that all of those hurts, physical pain and struggles they might be experiencing will be washed away with love.  I pray and I let go.  I let go and I pray. 

As I was witnessing the incredible talent of Megan Wells last night, I was also thinking about how blessed I have been to have been born in a family of artistic humans, people gifted in the world of arts in many areas.  In my mom’s family alone we have published authors, gifted painters, talented musicians and amazing storytellers.  Now that I am older and I look back, there was really never a time when I wasn’t surrounded by art in some sort.  Starting with my own mother, she decorated our home walls with her own art, simple and beautiful watercolor masterpieces in my book, clay pottery, and at night she read to us children’s stories that she herself wrote and would bring to life to us at the end of the day.  She was always a talented baker and could pretty much create anything with her hands.

Art will always be one of the greatest gifts life has to offer.  Art in the form of paints, words, stories, music... art. 

Today I choose to wash away with love  whatever it is that might be a burden to me and to those I love.  To let go and trust and rejoice in the many gifts life has blessed us with. ❤️

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Tuesday, February 18, 2020

This day can’t have enough coffee!!! I am so tired today and barely making it through the day, I wish I could just stay home the rest of the day and nap and relax, but that’s very silly of me because I still plenty of things to do at work and a presentation to attend tonight. 

On a positive note, I’m very happy about the sun today, I know winter is far from being over, but the beautiful sun today is reminding me that spring is coming and sunnier, warmer days will be here before we know it. 

I have been really, really bad about my food choices lately, I have such a complicated relationship with food and I can blame it to the lack of time I have to cook lately, or should I say, no time at all.  

However, yesterday we went shopping for all the healthy things and knowing me and the fact that I highly dislike wasting food, I know I’ll be cooking it all.  Right now, I have a hearth meet and vegetable food cooking in the crockpot and the house is starting to smell delicious!!! One healthy meal at a time, that’s all it takes! 

Just finished coffee number three of the day and I’m praying that will do the trick... come on caffeine I need you to kick in! 🙏🏻☕️

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Monday, February 17, 2020

Good morning sunshine! ☀️

Despite the low expectations I had yesterday for a happy and productive day due to the level of pain I was in and the many discomforts I was experiencing, my day ended up being one of those really awesome, simple, meaningful, soulful days.

In the morning I met with the International exchange student I am a coordinator for and had a really fun conversation with her about her views and thoughts of life in this country and the difference in culture and lifestyle, it definitely brought back memories of my beginning years here. 

After a few hours drive to meet with my student and our chat, I headed home for a quick lunch and then off to work I went.  Working at a Funeral Home has definitely made me look at life from a different perspective and appreciate the true meaning of life at a bigger, more meaningful level. No matter the level of pain I am in, or the kind be of day I’m having, stepping into that work place, immediately changes my perspective, plus I get to work with two awesome Directors that make my work weekends a little lighter. 

After work last night storms 10:30 pm I sat at the kitchen table to eat something and before I knew it I had Bella on one side and Stan at the other keeping me company and chatting with me about the day.  You know those moments in your life when you wish you could “bottle” that moment and do it over sometime? Last night was definitely one of them, Bella was sharing all kinds of things about school and things she’s excited and looking forward to in life, Stan was time great listener and advice giver that he is and I had the opportunity to share some sweet conversations I had with family members of the deceased at yesterday’s wake at work.

We all ended the day with smiles on our faces and a feel good feeling and I also missed my big girl a lot.  Wished she had been sitting with us at the kitchen table last night goofing around and chatting, but I’m also happy for the life she’s building, soon the four of us will be together again, chatting, laughing, hugging. ❤️

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Sunday, February 16, 2020

Happy Sunday!!! ❤️

Have you even had one of those days when you wake up and everything hurts, and you don’t feel the greatest and you just want to stay in your pajamas and do absolutely nothing at all other than relax and maybe take a nap?! Well, I have and today was one of those mornings but I had (have) SO much going on today, that my dream of staying home doing was not an option. 

I woke up with the chickens this morning, if you know what I mean! #BrightAndEarly☀️😉

Around 9 am I left to go to Wisconsin to meet up with the exchange student from Spain I am a coordinator for, and also with her host family.  We met at an outlet Mall somewhere in Wisconsin, I’ve personally never been there myself. 

It was so interesting listening to her stories about her stay in the United States and about the things that have struck her most about the American culture, some of them made me laugh and definitely took me back to my first days/months/years living in the USA.  Life outside of the US is so different, as it should be, such different cultures and ways of living.  I think it’s pretty amazing that she gets to experience this time in her life, grow up, mature a little more and be fully immersed not only in a new language but also a completely different culture and lifestyle.  I would absolutely love to go to Spain one day, that’s been one of my dreams. Here is a picture of us this morning, the exchange student is the one to my left, and she’s a lovely, sweet and well mannered girl. This has been quite a learning process for me and I have loved every minute of it. ❤️

I am at home now taking a little break, eating some food before I have to head out to my part time job at the funeral home.  We have a busy day there, and after taking my vitamins and praying to all the saints, I’ll be heading out with all the positive energy and enthusiasm, because this migraine and all the aches and pains won’t get the best of me! 💪🏻

Have a great day lovelies, make it a good one! 😘

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Saturday, February 15, 2020

I’ve never been a fan of holidays, well, actually, I shouldn’t say never, I think those feelings started to develop when I moved away from my parents and brothers and everything I knew growing up in my birth town.  Holidays and special occasions take on a whole new meaning when you feel a little lonely, especially now with what social media has to offer and over exposure to the outside world, but thankfully, I have an AMAZING life companion to guide me through it all. His name is Stan in case you didn’t know by now, because I only talk about him about 100 times a day! 🥳😉

I was scheduled to work until 10 pm last night but thankfully it was a quiet day and I was able to go home earlier.  Last night was one of those cold nights that pierces through your bones, so, so cold!!! Instead of going out to eat as we had planned, I picked up some of our favorite comfort food at a local Polish restaurant and brought it home.  Our youngest daughter had already left to go to a friend’s house and Stan and I sat at the kitchen table, ate all of our food which was delicious, talked, laughed about silly stuff, and then we watched a movie. Way too late of a night for me after working all day literally and having to work today also, but it was worth it every minute. 

When I walked in from work with the food Stan was waiting for me with a display of flowers, chocolate covered strawberries and a card, he is the sweetest, have I mentioned that before? 🤭 

Even though our Valentine’s Day didn’t go exactly as planned and I had to deal with some stresses throughout the day related to my girls that took my peace of mind away on and off, the day ended up on a good note for all of us, and for that, I am thankful. 💓

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Friday, February 14, 2020

Let’s talk about love...

My husband and I are not the overly romantic type that hugs and kisses all the time, although we do that too of course, because we love each other and we are husband and wife, but you know what I mean, we tend to be more modest and private in that area.  However, we love each other profoundly, more every day and I mean it when I say it, I really do. 

We show each other love by doing acts of kindness for each other, listening to each other and making each other laugh.  Laughter is actually one of our best forms of connection, we LOVE to laugh together, and sometimes we laugh about the silliest, dumbest things, those are some of the best laughs!

We support each other other, encourage each other and shout the biggest hurrays when one of us accomplishes something. 

The most important thing about love for me is that love continues to grow, to mature and to become more meaningful with time.  I remember some challenging days in our relationship when our girls were little. It’s not easy balancing life, work, a growing family and not having a family support system in the area that can hold you up when you are struggling, but I think that’s exactly what made us stick to each other and show up for each other every day, the fact that we only had each other.

Stan makes every day better just by being in it.  Waking up to Stan’s bottomless source of outpouring of love to all of us every day and kissing the day goodnight next to him after a long day of work or a day of leisure on the weekends, is certainly my biggest blessing and source of joy.  His simplicity about the way he goes about life, and the way he shows up for the girls and I every single day, is what love is all about in my book.

Love is kind, love is honesty, love is holding each other up, a friend, a family member, a loved one by reaching out and making sure they know we love them and appreciate them by our acts of kindness. 

Happy Valentine’s Day… spread joy! ❤️

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Thursday, February 13, 2020

Last night I saw the Oscar winning documentary “American Factory”, a great movie, but such devastating reality about the financially powerful of of the world and those who struggle to make it day after day.  At the end of by the documentary, I was left with many thoughts, doubts, anger, sadness and a sense of living in a superficial world with an environment of people that her hyped about the most insignificant things when there is a world out there literally struggling to survive.

The story I saw is the story of two very different worlds colliding.  China va USA.  Billionaire versus working class people.  A vision only focused on pursuing wealth and power versus families doing everything they can to survive.

When the GM factory in Dayton, Ohio closed it’s doors in 2008, thousands of people lost their jobs.  A few years later Chinese billionaire Cao Dewang opened the factory again with an entirely different vision and support (or lack of) for his employees.  People that lost their jobs in 2008 at GM age were unemployed for a few years, went from making $29 an hour to $12 an hour at the new Chinese owned factory “Fuyao”, with minimal to no employee rights and terrible working conditions.  Because of the extreme pay cut, people lost their homes, cars and struggled to support their families and because of that suffered from illnesses and work injuries.  Bad, bad, bad.  Did they have a job? Sure they did, was the owner of this company and his people in charge treating people with dignity? Absolutely not, not by a long shot, not in my opinion. 

Really, this documentary left me a bit disturbed about the economy of our country, the economy of the world, about our purpose of life to help the poor and disadvantaged and to focus more on the real issues of the world instead of the silly, superficial world that social media distracts us with on a daily, hourly basis with it’s constant hype of self discovery (don’t get me wrong, I am ALL for self discovery, but I think we are starting to overdo it and forgetting about the real meaning of life) when there is so much work to do to help those around us and make this world, our world, this world a better place, even if it’s just one person, one family at a time. 

How can we help? What can we do? How can we leave an imprint in the lives of the most vulnerable using the resources we have and the knowledge we’ve been given? Let’s think about this for a second.  

For right now, we can start with helping someone in our community, and then maybe expanding our boundaries to help.  There are hundreds, thousands, millions of people struggling to make it day after day.  May we be the face and hands of hope the world so desperately needs.  

We can start with contacting a local church or township and finding out what type of resources they need for their ministry to the poor.  Financial funds are harder to come by, and the ones that pay people’s bills and give them a dignified life after finding themselves in a hard place due to loss of employment or simply because their salaries are not enough for the constant rising of cost to live.  Inflation and salary increases usually don’t go hand in hand.  

Let’s help others, we don’t have to go far, there is plenty of need right where we live. 

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Wednesday, February 12, 2020

Just before I left work for the day yesterday I started to feel cold symptoms coming and by the time I got home I felt like I was definitely getting something.  Perhaps it was mind over body, I’ve been hearing about so many people getting sick with the flu that my body literally started feeling some symptoms, the brain is so powerful! 

But who am to say those symptoms were just prefabrications in my mind and not actual cold/fly symptoms? 🤷‍♀️

I took matters into my own hands before going to bed and had some homemade chicken soup Stan had made the day before, took NyQuil and headed to sleep way early than usual! 

Happy to say that I feel a whole lot better this morning, only downfall is that I feel really tired and groggy almost.  Going in late at work to wait for that feeling to pass and feel more awake. A shower helped, so that’s a move in the right direction! 😉

Work has been very thrilling lately, getting lots of creative work done and doing some reorganization. Thankful for having a job that doesn’t feel like work. ❤️

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Tuesday, February 11, 2020

They say work is not really work if you love what I do and that’s with I don’t mind the long hours or big projects sometimes because I do love what I do and especially, the community of people I serve. 

Yesterday, I took the train downtown to interview and record the Franciscan priest that will be presenting the Lenten Mission next month at the church where I work and it was a really great time. 

Father Ed Shea works and does ministry at St Peter’s church Inter loop in Chicago, right in the middle of the hustle and hustle of the city.  It’s a beautiful church!!! I’ve never been there but I’m hoping to go there for Mass sometime in the future.

The sweetest and unexpected thing happened before we did the interview.  Father Shea led me to the baptismal font in the church right where people where coming and going and gave me a special blessing to open my eyes, my ears and my heart to the ministry we do in the church and to those we serve and to lead me and guide me during that interview.  I definitely felt the outpouring of blessings. 

After visiting the main church he took me upstairs through a private elevator that is located by the side of the front desk.  Upstairs (a few flights up) is where the Franciscan’s private chapel is located and ultimately where we would be conducting the interview and recording.

It was a beautiful, simple and sacred chapel and you could certainly feel peace within those walls, I could’ve stayed there a little longer by myself afterwards to do some medication. 

After we finished our recording and conversation, he took me on a little tour of their facilities, the housing where they all live, their dining area, and even their beautiful rooftop where they sit and eat when the weather cooperates.  Here is a picture of that inviting area. 

After we walked around, we sat down for a cup of coffee in the dining room and fresh chocolate chip cookies.  One of the cookies fell on the floor when he was transporting the plate to the table and my instinct was to pick it up and throw it in the garbage (flu, corona virus, hello???) but then I immediately thought “I wonder if he’d throw it away?!” So I hesitated to make a move to pick it up and throw it out.  Sure enough, he bends down, picks it up, puts it in his mouth and says “five second rule!” And smiles the biggest smile! 😱😃 

I have to say that being the coffee lover that I am, their coffee is amazing, and their cookies even better! Might have to become a friend of Father Shea to eat more of those, and maybe get a little private mediation in that special chapel that is still bringing smiles to my face. 

One thing that struck me when we were in the main area of the big church on the main floor, was the amount of people young and old, young professionals, moms and grandparents that came up to him to say hello or for a blessing.  He gave everyone of them the same space and attention and made them feel special, even when we had an agenda and a timeframe.  He never said to them “sorry, don’t have time now, I’m busy...” he gave blessings, gave directions, and information about Masses and confession times, I thought that was admirable. 

After our meeting, I left and quickly found a place to have lunch before catching my train back home.  I was so rushed in the morning leaving for this that I didn’t even have breakfast and I was getting quite hungry, apparently, I should’ve had a couple more cookies with my coffee. 🤭😋

Also, don’t tell anyone... but I think I fell asleep on the train on the way home, oops!!! I love trains, they relax me like nothing else! 

After getting home from downtown, I met a dear friend for dinner and we sat and talked, sat and talked for hours. We laughed (a lot), our eyes got teary a few times and most importantly it was great just being present for each other.  We ate WAY too much, that is a fact, but the chocolate shake after dinner was the best dummest decision we’ve ever made... so far! 😃

Yesterday will definitely be a day to remember for many reasons, and I am thankful for all of them. ❤️

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Monday, February 10, 2020

Happy Monday!!! Happy beginning of the week! ❤️

This past weekend I did nothing, that’s right, simply nothing other than meeting some friends on Friday night for a book exchange.  

Saturday and Sunday all I did was watch shows on tv, movies on Prime, cooked a couple of meals, and lounged around.  My days have been so incredibly busy lately that I decided to just be home and relax this past two days.  

It was almost great but I did feel a sense of wastefulness with my time, something that’s never happened to me before.  I have always been pretty good about self care and recognizing when I need the rest.  I think this time was different because I wasn’t that exhausted this time around and also I have a couple of projects that I’m working on that I am super excited about and I could’ve used that leisure time to work on them, even for a few hours, but I chose not too, simply because I had made a decision previously about not touching a computer or leaving my house this past weekend, a well needed break from it all.

My lesson learned in this case was, to be ok with being flexible with the decisions I make for myself.  That if I feel energetic enough, rested enough and passionate enough to embark on a project on a day off, I should just go for it and do what my heart is telling me to do, even if the couch seems appetizing. 

Instead of going to bed last night feeling like a hero for resting so much, I felt a little overwhelmed about all the things I could’ve done leisurely (even if it were just one thing) that I didn’t do. 

They say that when you do what you love is not really work, and that’s how I feel about the creative work I choose to do.  It’s not work, it’s passion that fulfills me. ❤️

I am actually thankful for that unsolicited lesson I learned these past couple of days.  If that had not happened to me, I would not be appreciating my time as much right now.  

On a separate note, today, I’m interviewing and recording the Franciscan Priest that is doing the Lenten Mission at the church where I work and I am so looking forward to meeting him.  He is so enthusiast and multifaceted!  He bilingual, completely fluent in Spanish, he plays the guitar, sings and he is passionate about his ministry in the world.  I am SO excited about this... only thing I’m not super excited about is about parallel parking in the city today, yikes! Say a prayer for me. 😁

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Sunday, February 9, 2020

Friday night I attended a book exchange at a friend’s house.  It was a lovely evening of just sitting back and relaxing after a long day of work, eating tasty treats, talking about favorite authors and books and then later on and unexpectedly, talking and sharing about things close to our hearts.  By the end of the night a few of us had tears in our eyes with our sharing.  

As we talked about books and family and our relationships with them, I shared about my youngest brother JR and his gift for writing, speaking several languages and playing instruments.  I also shared about the health challenges he faced four years ago and I had forgotten that those fours years ago, had been exactly to this day. 

Exactly four years ago today, I was standing next to my heartbroken mom in the chapel of the ICU waiting anxiously after a group of doctors had spoken to us about a major setback my brother had just had.  This would've been day six since he had fallen gravelly ill and had been fighting hard to stay alive.  The picture of him laying on that ICU bed will stay with me forever, it’s not something you can simply erase from your memory book. 

Looking back, I would've never imagined that after having little to no hope from the doctors and basically planning for his funeral, a year later we would be seeing pictures of his thesis presentation and hearing from him the amazing experience this presentation was and how much it meant to him to make this life project a reality after all the health challenges be faced.  It took him more than a year to recover to a level when he could function without a tracheotomy and a wheel chair and a lot of hard work and many, many hours of physical therapy.  After four years he still suffers from some of the trauma he experienced, physically speaking his extremities were greatly affected and he will most likely have numbness and tingling in his feet and hands for the rest of his life and he tires very easily, but he continues to work on staying strong and has never stopped growing professionally.  

Three years ago he graduated with a degree in Linguistics and his thesis was focused on Literacy.  The title (translated into English) sounds something like "Reading Illustrated books as a teaching aid in the first phase of Literacy." 

A few days ago he shared with me a recording of him at the piano, a piece by Bach beautifully executed and I couldn't help but to picture those hands and fingers still working on healing moving across the board.  Hands and fingers that simply a few years ago did not even resembled his own hands.

In the two + years after his recovery, he has written and published two children’s books, he’s finishing a novel he’s been working on for years, and also wrote and published a book about his health challenges. 

Life after this major “bump in the road” for him four years ago has not been easy by any means, it has presented many challenges in every area of his life, but what I admire most about him, is his thirst for knowledge, his determination to continue to grow intellectually and personally, and his stubbornness to achieve his lifelong dreams of doing research in the world of literacy. 

I don’t think I’ll ever meet a smarter, most read and intelectual person as my brother.  He has always been gifted that way, since we were little, but he’s also always been the most humble about his gift and potential, and that’s what I admire most about him.

My prayer is that his health will continue to improve so he can one day see all of his dreams and professional goals realized, he’s worked very hard for all it.  So very thankful for the gift of his life in ours. ❤️

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Saturday, February 8, 2020

When I was five years old my parents separated and my mom moved me and my brothers to her hometown which was four hours away from my birth town and where my dad’s family lived, a huge family in fact, my dad is one of nine children. 

I have vivid memories of my preschool and kindergarten years in my dad’s hometown and ordinary days and special celebrations surrounded by family on my dad’s side, all good memories thankfully.  

I would spend a lot of time playing with my cousins, visiting their homes or they would come over to our house to hang out.  I remember the games we played, and what their homes looked like, even the snacks we would have while on those play dates.  Interesting fact is, I have zero recollection of the actual move, how it happened, when it happened and/or settling into our new home in my mom’s hometown surrounded by her family. 

My dad’s side of the family was always the “serious” one, unlike my mothers.  My mother’s family was always the funny and creative one.

My dad’s siblings and their spouses were always very proper, and very matter of fact, except for my uncle Roberto and his wife Lilia.  My uncle Roberto was the goofiest, the most fun to be around, the jokester and the one who always made me feel extra special and his wife Lilia was just the sweetest and funniest as well and they both had no reservations and limitations when showing their love for those who meant a lot to them.  They were very open about being affectionate, something I never saw with anyone else, on my dad’s side of the family at least. 

I can still remember visiting their home many times to play with my cousins, which usually often turned into longer stays, dinner included.  It always made me very happy being there, it was definitely a different environment than other relatives homes in that town, maybe even my own home at the time.  Whenever I was at their house I felt safe and lively and extremely happy!  My uncle Roberto and his wife Lilia were ALWAYS goofing with each other and laughing and talking, they were great conversationalists.  Their children were my playmates of choice, I loved them so much and they were like siblings to me and I have my uncle and aunt to thank for. 

With our move to my mom’s hometown came many other blessings and ultimately my parents reconciliation.  I can’t say that their marriage continued to be a path of roses soon after that, but eventually they “arrived” at their destination of being happy and content with each other. 

Our move also meant that I didn’t get to interact with all of my cousins on my dad’s side that often anymore.  The routine visits become very sporadic and eventually as we got older and more involved with our lives and school, we kind of lost touch and we only saw each other periodically.  Whenever we did, their presence brought me great joy. 

Unfortunately, my uncle passed away a few years ago from health issues and a couple years later my aunt was killed in a car accident.  Their void is still palpable and their presence will always be irreplaceable.  I wish I could still have the opportunity to tell them how much they meant to me growing up, what their gift of their lives and the way they enriched mine meant to me and how proud I was of them for raising their beautiful family of seven.

Their children are their spitting image, physically and personality speaking.  They are people of great integrity and HUMOR!!! They walk by faith and by love and optimism just like their parents did when they walked their earthly journey.  I miss them terribly, but I am thankful for the gift and legacy they left for us in their children’s lives. ❤️

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Friday, February 7, 2020

I knew Stan was a good man when I married him, but I didn’t know he was a great man. 

These past few days have been a whirlwind of events and emotions and to be honest, some of those days I’ve struggled keeping my head above water and also the usual smile on my face that characterizes me.  In the midst of it all, Stan has been right there next to me holding me up, wiping my tears, comforting me , and assuring me that things will be ok.  

A few days ago I woke up with one of those excruciating and debilitating migraines that made every task twice as hard.  Performing at my usual potential, was difficult.  I pushed through but it saddened me that I once again was struggling that much, and even the routine of the day seemed like a burden.  I did it all anyways, I pushed through, I kept going, and by the time I got home from a long day at work, I was literally physically and emotionally spent and I had almost nothing left in me.  I walked in to see a sink piled with dirty dishes from the morning (I didn’t have time to go home for lunch that day), the morning had been hectic, and left everyone with no time to clean up.

Bella had an after school commitment that went into late in the evening, and Stan who has been working on a special assignment at work, was expected to be home late.  I knew the dishes were screaming my name since I was the only one home and would be home alone for a couple hours before Stan and Bella came home, but I just couldn’t do it. 

Stan with all the love and care walked in after a very long day of work and I said to him right away “please just leave the dishes, I’ll do them in a bit.” I knew he was exhausted too, he had left for work even earlier than me and came home a lot later too. He urged me to stay where I was, relax and focus on healing, that he would take care of things.  He went on to not only wash the dishes, but to make lunches for the next day, and when Bella got home from her activity, he took the time to talk to her, ask her about her day, laugh with her and simply be there for her, which she desperately needed as well. 

Yesterday, was an emotionally draining evening for me, and when I got home from my second job he greeted me with a hug and said “I have sushi and gingerale for you.” I know this might sound silly, but in my book, he wins my heart with those two things, he knows I love both and it’s comfort food for me.

Sometimes when you feel like it’s all too much, and the emotions you’ve been pushing down finally come afloat, the most simple thing someone that truly loves you can do for you is BE there for you, show appreciation and love and support with simple actions, in this case in the form of sushi and gingerale two of my favorite things.

I am blessed without measure to be journeying through life by the hand of an honorable man. ❤️

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Thursday, February 6, 2020

I’ve always loved writing and having big thoughts and feeling every emotion deeply. 

The other day, my cousin sent me a picture of a picture and a note I had written to her when I was ten years old, telling her how much I loved her and what she meant to me.  I was 10 years old and clearly I already loved to write and tell people how much they meant to me.  Back in those days we didn’t have social media, or even computers at home, it was simply pen and paper and going to the post office to put something in the mail.  I did that quite often growing up and I have to thank my mother for instilling in me my love for writing and expressing my feelings.  

I remember the first diary my mother gave me.  I was in elementary school and she had gone to a special bookstore in our neighborhood where they had the prettiest bookmarks and trinkets you could find.  My parents didn’t have a lot of money when I was growing up, and somehow I knew even then, that her efforts were extra especial.  She had gone out of her way to purchase that special diary for me because it meant something to her and she wanted me to be able to express my feelings in writing just like she had always done herself. I will forever be grateful for the gift of her life in mine.  Her thoughtfulness continue to bless me.

Even in this time and age of social media and electronic everything, pen and paper and a good old stamp on the envelope, embodies even more significance and love.  If you have an opportunity, buy yourself a set of pretty stationary and send a few love letters to those you appreciate and mean the world to you. ❤️

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Wednesday, February 5, 2020

This morning I took a little extra time sitting still and enjoying the piece and quiet of a quiet home.  Waking up early, it’s worth it when I look at it from that standpoint.  

Nothing overly significant happened today, and I like it that way, sometimes ordinary feels pretty great.

I worked on a few new and exciting projects at work, set up a new office space, and I came home for the day before 6 pm, sounds good to me. 

I am REALLY looking forward to my off weekend at my part time job and having time to relax, be with my family and do what I want to do simply put. 😃

One thing that working every other weekend has taught me... to really, really appreciate days off.  Friday can’t come soon enough. ❤️

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Tuesday, February 4, 2020

It’s a tea kind of evening, my morning coffee didn’t get photographed today, no time for that! 😉

Long, long day for this chica with many projects at work, but a great day indeed.  Better go to sleep so I can wake up and start the new day. 

Sweet dreams! ❤️

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Monday, February 3, 2020

Some days it takes a lot longer in the morning to get moving, and this is one of those days...  but I’m getting there! 😬

I am in desperate need for a vacation, and I’ve been literally day dreaming about Amtrak and mountains, and leisure, movies, snacking and reading and some napping too.  Trains restore me like nothing else does, I really want to book even a short trip, but I might wait until the weather changes a little so the views can be more worthwhile. In the meantime, I will continue to day dream, and find all the zen and rest I can in my every day life, it’s possible! 

Going to sleep right after I got home from work late last night without distracting myself with snacking (my to go form of relaxing usually) and maybe watching some tv, I decided to immediately start my evening rituals of getting ready for bed and get the rest I needed and it was the wisest decision of the weekend.  Feeling a little more rested today, I’m ready to tackle the week ahead! 💪🏻

Happy Monday, happy week! ❤️

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Sunday, February 2, 2020

Yesterday I woke up so extremely tired and exhausted that almost for the first time ever I had doubts about making it through the day in one piece, body, mind and soul.  Before heading out the door to work I had a good breakfast, took my migraine prescription, put on a smile and off I went to tackle the day.  

Happy to report that I made it through with flying colors and by the time I came home from work in the evening, as soon as I took my work suit off, Stan, Bella and I talked about what to get for dinner.  There was absolutely no going out for me last night, I know better than not listening to my body when I’m not feeling myself and I needed to just sit on the couch the rest of the day and relax!!! 

Stan picked up dinner and after we ate, the three of us sat on the couch to watch a new Netflix movie and simply be together.  

I am so incredibly thankful for my health and my able body, even when I’m not feeling my best.  Thankful for a job that supports the extra things we love in life and for a family that encourages me and loves me just the way I am!!! Blessed! ❤️

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Saturday, February 1, 2020

First and foremost Happy February!!! 😍 How is January over already??? It seems like we just welcomed the new year not too long ago! 

The struggle is real this morning, I really, really, really (did I say really already?! 🤔) struggled to get out of bed, I’m tired, I’m actually exhausted AND I developed a migraine overnight, no bueno, BUT, here I am as always with all the optimism I could gather, a dash of humor and a cup of coffee and I’m good to go for the day, for the work day that is, which I hope flies by faster than it ever has before. My eyes look like I’ve been partying a little too hard lately, but we all know that’s not the case! 😬

No plans for the evening other than being home, changing into my sweats or pjs AS SOON as I walked in the door and maybe watching some tv show that won’t teach me anything but would entertain me, makes sense?! I think I’m a little delusional this morning, I told you I was tired! 🥳

Wishing you all an amazing month of February, filled with love, laughter, family and success! ❤️ 

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Friday, January 31, 2020

A day like today 22 years ago, my oldest daughter Michelle was born at 8:49 am in a very snowy Saturday.  I can almost vividly picture all the events the day before she was born and the day we left the hospital to go home.  I was so young, so extremely excited about becoming a mother and also immensely scared about caring for a brand new baby.  I think I watched her sleep and breath for the first 48 hrs after we got home, it was pure bliss and fright all at the same time, little did I know it was the journeying of being a mother over the years that would be the most challenging and thrilling.  Motherhood has been and will always be my greatest gift and today I am especially thankful for being granted that honor and blessing. 

My girl spent the day at school and sick and had to cancel her plans to celebrate with friends tonight... boo for that 😥, but I am praying she wakes up feeling like brand new so she can celebrate tomorrow instead. ❤️

I always love celebrating their birthdays and even though she’s far away and I had to work tonight, it didn’t stop me from doing some type of celebrating her arrival into this world 22 years ago.  A friend and I tried a new local restaurant for lunch and on the way back to work I stopped to pick up a celebratory (of course 😉), milkshake,  because what’s a birthday lunch without dessert, right?! 

A parishioner at the church where I work that worked at the Daily Herald at the time when Michelle was born, wrote an announcement about her birth in the newspaper on February 25, 1998, how sweet was that?!  I love all those sweet memories. 

Wishing my sweet and courageous girl the happiest of birthdays and abundant blessings for the year ahead!  I love you, Michelle Marie! ❤️

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Thursday, January 30, 2020

Last night I decided to wake up one hour earlier than usual.  Was it easy, not at all, but it wasn’t impossible either and now I’m enjoying my cup of coffee in a more relaxed atmosphere, plus I was able to make me a hearty breakfast without being rushed. Let’s just hope my energy level stays up throughout the day. 😎

I used to (and by used to, I mean a couple months ago 😂) be very organized with meal preparation and staying away from not so good for me snacky temptations during the day, but lately it has been a struggle I’d have to admit, BUT, the good thing is that I am aware of that and I’m constantly making an effort to make healthier food choices for myself... food glorious food, why do we need to have this complicated relationship, why? 🤦🏼‍♀️

This is what walking up just one hour earlier than usual did for me today:

1. Made my bed the way I like it

2. Put on my face lotions and did my make up without being rushed 

3. Made me a yummy and healthy breakfast 

4. Cleaned kitchen and washed dishes

5. Longer time to sit and meditate. 

Starting the day with a delicious no cheese veggie omelette and grapefruit on the side and of course, my morning best friend, coffee was just what I needed today.  I think I might like this new daily routine! ☕️❤️

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Wednesday, January 29, 2020

Yesterday, Stan texted me before leaving work and said “do you want to grab something to eat after work tonight?” Well, well, of course I said yes immediately because I would never deny ANY invitation that involves food. 😋 Little did he know that I had already made dinner (a good one too), but I saw this as an opportunity to spend one on one time with him. 

My husband is not one of those guys that is always (or hardly ever I should say) planning adventures, or let alone, a movie and dinner night, it’s always me having to come up with ideas to do something that involves leaving the house which has led from time to time to some disagreements.  So, when he suddenly and unexpectedly wants to takes you out on a dinner date on a weeknight, you say YES, even if the table is already set and dinner is being plated, there is a thing called reheating. 😉

We met in the parking lot of a local restaurant and then quickly changed our minds and our taste and ended up dropping off one of the cars at the house and driving together.  It was such a lovely night, and amazing conversation.  We ate and sat and talked and sat and talked for a lot longer than we had planned on.  It was one of those moments that you want to capture in your mind forever.  We talked about so many things, important things, meaningful tongs, and silly things and we laughed a lot.  Stan has the gift of spontaneous humor, and he manages to always make me laugh with the stuff he says and how he says it. 

After dinner, we ran a couple of errands together and then went home to the hustle and bustle of our evening routines getting ready for the next day with lunch making and getting things in order to wake up prepared for the day.

I I’m grateful for the gift of enjoying ordinary moments in an extraordinary way. ❤️

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Tuesday. January 28, 2020

I was recently reading about Pema Chödrön, an American Buddhist nun and her constant search for spirituality and self discovery and she brought up an interesting point and one that could ignite some really good conversations and make us reflect “welcoming the unwelcome”. 

The “unwelcome”, people that don’t necessarily give us fuzzy feelings and can sometimes alter the way we see life (even if it’s just for a moment), because of the way they make us feel and the negative effects they have on us through their actions.  Remembering that everyone is created equal, and that everyone is “just like me”, wanting to be loved and accepted when we only feel that they are being intentionally mean spirited or unkind.  

I’ve tried to model that practice for many years, and I don’t even know where it started or how it started it, but I’m pretty sure I owe it to my mother, like most of who I am and who I am becoming.  

Whenever I am hurting by the (intentional or unintentional) actions of others I always say to myself “well, they might be going through something, they might have a reason for this behavior... they must be hurting about someone or something to be acting that way and they too, just like me, want to be loved, just like me they want to be welcomed and accepted and respected...” This practice has saved me many times.  It has saved me from hurting deeper, from over analyzing and overthinking, and has on most ocasiones given me a sense of hope and restored my peace.  

I am not exempt from worry by any means, I do worry and over analyze and overthink and get angry at times, but the knowledge and awareness that everyone wants to be loved “just like me”, rescues me and brings me peace, and even if it’s just for a fleeting moment, it saves me every time.  

Just for today, may we welcome the unwelcome and share a smile with everyone that crosses our paths... today. ❤️

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Monday, January 27, 2020

Yesterday was one of those “feel good” days.  It was a very simple day, but a very wholesome day at the same time.  

We slept in, I made a delicious breakfast, Stan and I sat down to eat together and chat, then I sat by myself coffee in hand reflecting about everything and anything while he watered his plants, and then when Bella woke up and had breakfast, the three of us went to church and ran some errands afterwards.  Sounds ordinary right? It was, but it was also very extraordinary in its own way, for I am aware that these ordinary moments won’t last a lifetime either and that’s what makes them extraordinary. 

I got a lot accomplished at home after dinner also, I took care of a few drawers and things that needed some organizing and that’s always a good feeling and even gave myself a pedicure, whoa now that’s a good day! 

Then at the end of the day, after I had washed my face, brushed my teeth, flossEd, put on my night cream on my hands, and kissed Bella good night I heard from across the hallway “hey mom, wanna hear something?” Of course, I would never say no to “you want to hear something...” coming out of my child’s mouth (or heart), regardless of what time of the day it is.

She came in my bedroom, sat alongside on my bed and started sharing some emotions she had tucked in for quite some time.  Stories I’ve known and heard from time to time, and feelings she’s been learning to process and cope with but are still challenging, healing takes time.  Being a teenager, a high school student is not for the weak hearted, I once was her age also, and dealt with situations and feelings, and last night especially, I felt extremely fortunate to have had her complete trust and her love.  We talked for quite some time, she share her stories, I tried to give the best advice I could, we both ended up crying unintentionally, then we kissed the day goodnight with a good and warm feeling in our hearts.  Beyond thankful for these spontaneous sparks of blessings in my life. ❤️

“I do my best, because I’m counting on you counting on me.” Maya Angelou

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Sunday, January 26, 2020

I love days when I can do whatever my heart desires with my time and this weekend has been just that for me and I’ve chosen to do nothing except ... whatever my heart desires 😉which has been a lot of sitting on the couch watching movies and documentaries, cooking, talking to my mom on the phone, reading and writing. 

I’ve been working so much lately that today I decided to create a plan, a map to “Maria’s happiness” if you wish.  I’m sitting down today to pen down things I do on a regular basis that distract me from being the better version of me (for me a lot of it has to do with browsing social media), maybe spend time meditating, something both of my daughters do on a daily basis and that I would love to imitate, and perhaps a little more time in the kitchen on busy days to prepare meals that nourish my body.  

When my days are so incredibly hectic, all that seems almost impossible to accomplish but I know it can be done, I just need to be more mindful about remembering what makes me happy and thrive, versus what leaves me tired and spent during the day.  Focus is important no matter what we are doing.

Thankful for weekends like this one that allow me to regroup and realize how fortunate I am to find happiness in the ordinary of my life. ❤️

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Saturday, January 25, 2020

Happy Weekend!!! Lost of exclamation points because I’m really excited about today, for no specific reason other than the fact that it’s my weekend off and I have zero commitments or expectations, hurray for that! ❤️

I’m sipping my coffee with all the peacefulness in the world.  Sitting in the kitchen admiring the fresh snow that covered the ground overnight and making a plan for a few exciting things I want to work on today, but just for a short time because I want to dedicate this day to the big comfy (and warm, as my friend’s daughter said last night) couch just relaxing and watching meaningless tv shows! 😬

Ever since I started working every other weekend, my weekends off have gotten a whole new meaning, value and level of appreciation!

And this day of nothingness and insignificance if you may with no grand plans, are the l ones that make me realize the importance of pausing and maybe reflect on the love and blessings that gift our lives daily. 

"And then, in a single moment, I am flooded with love.  Suddenly I "feel" the love God has for all people as we live out our insignificant lives and perform our routine tasks.  Compassionate, warm, tender love pours down on me and washes me over.  I cannot explain it, but it is real and so tangible that it begins to lift me. ~Paula D'Arcy

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Friday, January 24, 2020

Today was a really good day, the hours just flew by at work, they flew by so fast that I even forgot to take my lunch break, but the best part of the day was movie night at home with two special guests, my friend’s two children. 😊

A few months ago (more like almost a year I think), I promised them we’d have movie night at my house and ever since I made that promised they’ve asked me and asked me and asked me every time they saw me “so, when is movie night???” Haha! Well, that night was tonight and we had a blast!  

Movie night complete with pizza, popcorn and loaded hot cocoa and by loaded I mean, whip cream, Nutella, sprinkles and all... and The Secret Life of Pets 2 which was so, so cute!!!

Truth is, this really made me think about how much I loved being a mom of young children, how much fun I had with my girls doing spontaneous fun things and movie nights snuggling on the couch.  Oh, how I miss those days,  but tonight made me realize how fortunate we were to build those memories with our children.

Life has many stages and I’m thankful for every one of them.  They have (and continue) to bless me, all in a special way. ❤️

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Thursday, January 23, 2020

Another day, another dollar 😁 at least that’s what they say!

Looooooong day, so long I’m just getting home at almost 11 pm.  I am so, so ready for the weekend, maybe sleeping in on Saturday, some movies watching and simply relaxing, well deserved if I can say so myself. 

Good night, sleep well, tomorrow is another day! ❤️

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Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Yesterday was one of those great days when you end the day with a very happy heart.

Work was great and I got a lot accomplished and then after work Stan, Bella and I went out for supper where we talk about everything College and dreams for Bella, Stan shared with us about a special award he received at work after being nominated be coworkers and we ended the night with Bella quizzing us on a Type A/Type B quiz she had taken earlier in her psychology class.  It was a good laugh for sure for all three of us.

It’s moments like these ones that remind me how blessed with are to have each other. To be able to do spontaneous little outings during the week just because, to talk about anything and everything, and most importantly love and support each other with our presence. 

Sprinkling a little love and peace into the air for a great day ahead! ❤️

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Tuesday, January 21, 2020

I’m taking a little time to myself this morning, some self TLC if you may 😉 and I’m loving it! Sometimes is good to pause and be still for a moment, it’s always helped me to recharge so I can keep going with the same level of energy. 

I’ve been making a lot of not very wise food choices lately and this morning I made a plan to hopefully stop that habit I got myself into lately.  Food has always been comfort for me and when I work a lot of hours and late into the evening, my to go “comfort” is driving through some fast food restaurant that opens late, getting something loaded with calories and not necessarily nutrition, and then going home to eat it and jumping into bed shortly after, SO bad!!! I mean, once in a while it’s ok, but doing it more than once or twice a week, not good!  I always feel guilty too (I don’t like guilty feelings) after I finish eating thinking how I could’ve easily skipped the drive through and simply come home to eat something simple, healthier and smaller, especially right before bed. 

Time plays a big part of my meal planning too and lately I’ve had no spare time at all for meal planning, but it’s not impossible either.  Having a strategy for those days when I’m feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and I just want to quench those feelings with something greasy, cheesy and not necessarily great for me, will hopefully be the answer to the way I manage those late drives home without making any detours.  One day at a time.  Good news is, I LOVE all the healthy foods, I just have to keep in mind how great I feel when I make all the right choices for my body. 

Did I say one day at a time? Yes, for everything in life, it works! 😊❤️

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Monday, January 20, 2020

I had my cup of coffee at work this morning, I was tired from the weekend and needed all the time I could get to sleep in.

Today was another busy day but I got a lot accomplished at work which is always a great feeling.

I am also in the process of placing another exchange student from Germany for the upcoming school year and I am so excited!!!  I have really been enjoying my communication and getting to know the exchange student from Spain that I am currently a local coordinator for.  I had our monthly “check in” today with the student and her host family and it’s really refreshing listening to their stories and their experiences from their own individual perspective.

Ending the day with a grateful heart for all the opportunities and friendships my life is blessed with.  Today was one of those “feel good” days! ❤️

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Sunday, January 19, 2020

This migraine me took me down for the count this weekend, I haven’t gotten a migraine this bad on a long time and I’m blaming the weather on this one. Drastic weather change is like poison to my body, we don’t get along at all! 

Days like today when I’m really struggling to get moving and be part of society, working and doing things outside of my home, are a great reminder to REALLY enjoy and be thankful for pain free days which thankfully I have enjoyed plenty of lately.  

Chronic pain is not an easy road to travel, but it sure gives me perspective about life and a greater appreciation for the days when I enjoy optimum health.

Today I will tackle one minute at a time, one hour at a time... tonight can’t come soon enough. ❤️

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Saturday, January 18, 2020

Today was a tough day, I really, really struggled making it through the day, thanks to an award winning migraine, one of those that I could count with the fingers of my hands, and coming from someone that suffers from chronic migraines, it counts for a lot.  But thankfully, I made it through the day and now I’m sitting in the kitchen sipping a cup of hot chocolate with whip cream and trying to decide what we will have for supper. 

But something really wonderful happened to me today also, and as always, I hang on to those glimpses of hope and joy that life provides us with to get us through life.

I was working at the funeral home last night, it was a very busy night, and despite the bad weather, many people came to pay their respects to the families grieving the loss of their loved ones.  As I was standing in the lobby of the Funeral Home greeting people, a couple I’ve known for a long time from our old neighborhood, walked in.  I’ve never known their names, but we’ve crossed paths a few times on our walks, school events and things of that nature.

As soon as they walked in we said hello, and then they proceeded to go in.  On their way out the wife stopped to chat with me for a few minutes and it will be a conversation that I will forever hold in my heart.  In the most spontaneous of ways we shared some mom stories that have tugged at our hearts from time to time.  I can’t explain the how’s or why’s this conversation started and why we connected in such way last night, but it was a special moment.  They left, I went home a couple hours later and on my way home I thought “it would be so wonderful to see her again and be able to talk in a more casual setting.” Then I thought, well, it would probably not be a good idea to just go searching for her and then when I find her say “remember that conversation we had at the funeral home? How does coffee sound?!” Wishful thinking in my mind. 

Well, this morning the same couple came back for the funeral service and she was surprised to see me there again, she thought I’d only work in the evenings.  I was surprised to see them again for the service, but it was a nice surprise.  They attended the funeral service for their dear friend and on their way out she stopped at the office and said to me “you know, I really enjoyed our conversation last night, would it be ok if we exchanged phone numbers so we could meet again sometime?” My jaw dropped pretty much, and of course I told her I had gone home last night with the same thought. We both smiled!

We connected.  We connected because we’ve experienced the same struggles as mothers.  We connected because we love our children with the same intensity.  We connected, because no matter what our children go through in life or what our relationships with them look like from time to time, we always want the best for them.  And in all this, God was there in our midst, showing us that we as women can support and encourage each other and most importantly understand each other in a special way. 

Despite the physical pain that sometimes feels almost unbearable to me, I am blessed with signs of hope and love all around me.  Love and hope in the form of people supporting each other through pain, grief and unmeasurable love. ❤️

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Friday, January 17, 2020

My cousin’s third son was born on Wednesday and he has brought so much joy to our family in just the couple of days he’s been on this earth.  It’s pretty amazing to witness the miracle of life through the birth of a new family member, and my cousin and his family definitely have a very special place in my heart.  We might be thousands of miles away, but I am thankful for technology that has allowed me to witness his growth even in the short two days of his life.  We are called by name and deeply loved, and our family’s new bundle of joy has surely come to bring many blessings to all of us. 

Today has been a busy day for me already.  It started with an unplanned doctor’s appointment (everything is good thank goodness), and then a couple of errands before starting job number one. It’s going to be a busy weekend at my part time job and I need to keep my focus and energy going until Sunday night! 😉

Happy Friday!!! ❤️

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Thursday, January 16, 2020

It’s a cold day today, a really cold day in Chicago, at least it feels that way.  There is no snow on the ground, but the chill in the air is the kind that goes right through your bones.

We (well, many of us at least), so often complain about winter. Those cold, dreary days that don’t seem to have an end. 

Winters might be long and dreary and feel never ending but winter also offers us a great opportunity for solitude.  A time for quiet moments, contemplation, goal setting, day dreaming and perhaps even prayer.  

Winter has it’s special magic and if we were anywhere else in the world where the sun shines all year long, maybe we wouldn’t have these amazing opportunities to take in life just a little deeper and with a different level of spirituality. 

May we learn to recognize the sacredness in our every day, especially in those days of solitude and silent thoughts that winter graces us with every year. 

“I have heard it said that winter, too, will pass, that spring is a sign that summer is due at last.  See, all we have to do is hang on.” Maya Angelou 

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Wednesday, January 15, 2020

You know those days when you just feel so happy, so energetic, and so, so loved?! I had one of those days yesterday! 😃

It was a great day in the office celebrating our founding Pastor’s 94th birthday with lunch and cake and MANY great conversations and laughs, followed by a hair appointment after work which always makes me feel like a new person and then ended the night listening to a voice message of my grandmother’s (dad’s mom) who died many years ago, and talking to my cousins on my dad’s side of the family about it and then a video chat conversation with my mom and brother in Mexico that left me with a hoarse voice from laughing so much!!! Stan and Bella kept turning around from what they were doing to look at me and laugh too even though they had NO idea what was going on! 😂 

Simple day and moments like these ones are the ones that add significance and value to my life.  Ordinary moments in the form of the purest and most sincere form of love and laughter. 

Then this morning I woke up to the text message below from my eldest which made me laugh from ear to ear and feel extra special and she had no idea about my conversation and laughing session with my family in Mexico last night because Stan and I had talked to her on the phone before that happened. 

Life’s ordinary moments, often turn out to be the extraordinary moments in our lives. ❤️

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Tuesday, January 14, 2020

I woke up a little extra earlier today so I could sit a little longer in the peace and quiet of my kitchen and take the day in. I love these moments. One of the best parts of getting older, or maturing I should say 😉, is learning to enjoy your own company, and I sure enjoy mine! 

Daisy is in her bed napping (already, lazy dog 😂), and the rest of the house is off to work and school.  

Today, we are celebrating the 94th birthday of the priest that founded the church where I work, 94 years old!!! Incredible!  This man continues to bless us and inspires us with his presence, wisdom and energy, he’s simply amazing. 

Share your smile with those around you today, it makes life a little sweeter! ❤️

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Monday, January 13, 2020

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the powerful impact that people have in our lives.  Good and bad.  I’ve always talked to my girls about the importance of surrounding themselves with the right people, people that encourage them, support them and most importantly, love them and accept them for who they are. I pray they will always make the right choices in life when choosing friends and their personal circle of people. 

It’s the same for adults.  People, friends, can either lift us up or make us feel like we have little value. 

I was reading this analogy yesterday about a bowl of fruit. There sat a perfectly fresh and good looking bowl of fruit, all happy together.  The moment a piece of fruit that was going bad was placed in the same bowl of fruit, all the other pieces of fruit that touched that rotten piece of fruit started to rot and get spoiled too.

Think about it! SAME thing happens with us, human beings.  If we surround ourselves with dreamers, lovers, helpers, people that don’t place judgement on others, people with great spirituality and positivity, WE too start seeing the world from that perspective.  If we do the opposite, and surround ourselves with people that are always feeling negative about life, judgmental, envious, etc... even if we choose not to take on those characteristics, we start to feel the heaviness of their personalities, it’s unavoidable!!!

Every day is a new day. An opportunity to start fresh, a rebirth if you may.  May we choose to place ourselves in a bowl of “fresh fruit” every opportunity that we can, with people that lift us up, encourage us, support us, and help us become better people for the world we live in by the love they give us.

And if you have an opportunity to be nice to people, to anyone... do it! The world sure needs a little bit more kindness. ❤️

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Sunday, January 12, 2020

Today marks the end of the Christmas season in the Catholic Church, te Feast of The Baptism of the Lord, which means, all Christmas decorations are being taken down at our house. I know we are about a month late than everyone, it seems 😉, but that’s how it’s always been at our house.  Actually, we usually take them down the weekend of the Epiphany which was last weekend, but since it was my work weekend, we had to move it to today, and it even made more sense, at least from the liturgical calendar standpoint.

Any who... I just woke up a little bit ago, I didn’t sleep well last night and I’m just starting to move around now. Bella is off to her mission trip monthly meeting, and since Michelle is now in New York, the house feels a lot quieter! I guess Stan and I will have to get used to the sound of an empty house pretty soon. Good thing Daisy is only graduating in the art of napping and she’s here to stay! 🐶 

Side note. I’ve noticed that since I started working every other weekend I’ve learned to enjoy my time at home on my off weekends a lot more! I was always eager to do things, and plan outings on weekends, and now being home and resting and being with my family is just enough, perhaps is my age not my second job! Ha! 

Off to take down some Christmas ornaments now, NOT my favorite part of the season but I think people would start looking us at us funny if they see the tree in the living room when they show up for Bella’s graduation bash in the summer! 😃

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Saturday, January 11, 2020

I’m on my third cup of coffee and I don’t even know how it happened, well, maybe I do, I’ve been home all day doing nothing other than resting, watching movies and taking it easy, I needed a day like today. 

I had a really amazing and refreshing conversation today with a friend who I really trust and admire.  I’ve been struggling with a personal situation lately and her wisdom today inspired me and made me look at things from a different perspective, and that perspective put my mind and most importantly, my heart, at ease.  It was also a GREAT reminder to now sweat the “small” stuff! You’d think I know all about that from working at a church and funeral home, but I somehow am an expect at sweating the small, medium and big stuff.  I can’t help it, it’s who I am, I just have to learn how to redirect my emotions and feelings better.  

On a separate note, my eldest went back to college yesterday and the house feels a lot quieter.  She is a noisy that one haha and I love it, she brings a lot of life into our lives. The farewell was quite tearful, because we know this break ended the “school breaks”, and as soon as graduation knocks on her door in a few months, she will be stepping into the rest of her life... as an adult, making her dreams come true.  Excited to see what the future has in store for her. ❤️

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Friday, January 10, 2020

This was one of “those” weeks that I don’t want repeated, ever! Tough in many ways, but I’ve made it through and it’s Friday and I don’t work at my second job this weekend and I can sit back and relax hopefully, enjoy my family, my home and focus on all the things that really matter in life. 

I woke up very motivated about working on some projects at the office and at home today and this weekend. Between the holidays, a full house and so much going going all the time for the past few months, I’ve felt like I couldn’t focus on anything else other than making it through just another day. It’s not an awful thing either, just the way life presents itself sometimes. 😊

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, “Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.  He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.  Finish every day and be done with it.  You have done what you could.  Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in. Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.  This new day is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the yesterdays.”

I LOVE those words of wisdom. This new day is too dear indeed. ❤️

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Thursday, January 9, 2020

Last night as soon as I came home from work and had dinner, I went upstairs to get ready for bed.  I had just laid down with a book I was going to read for a few minutes before falling asleep when my eldest walked in to give me a hug and kiss good night. 

She started asking me about my day and the days prior and she said she could see the heaviness and exhaustion in my face (I thought I was hiding it well).  Then she proceeded to give me a pep talk about self care that really changed my perspective about a few things.

Although, I think I’m good about practicing self care, I might not as good at it as I thought. 

I will take her advice seriously and will try to put to practice all the things she recommended I do to take better care of myself.  Michelle has always been pretty amazing at self care, and her advice was definitely a breath of fresh air. ❤️

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Wednesday, January 8, 2020

How do you feed your magic?

I feed my magic by cooking delicious food.  Food that makes me thrive and feel nourished.

I feed my magic by sitting alone in the kitchen in the early hours of the day, drinking coffee, reading a book or inspirational quotes and minding my own business, away from the noise of the world.

I feed my magic by journaling. Journaling things I share with others, things I keep for myself and things I end up throwing away once they’ve been written and my soul has been healed.

I feed my magic by riding in the car alone listening to my favorite music.

I feed my magic by reminding myself day in and day out that I am enough, worthy, and capable of great love.

There is magic all around us, we just have to be open to seeing it and feeling it. ❤️

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Tuesday, January 7, 2020

I think it’s interesting how life works sometimes.  I’ve been struggling over a few things these past few days and today instead of focusing on those struggles and circumstances I decided to put that uneasiness on the side and instead go to the place that comforts me and always put my heart and soul to ease... my faith.

A friend of mine gave me a scripture based journal for Christmas, she is deep rooted in faith and I knew her gift would give me comfort when I needed it.  Today, it did just that.  I decided to open the journal book on a random page and see what the message chosen for ME would say.  And it couldn’t have been more accurate, and more timing for what I needed to hear today.

“For we live by faith, not by sight.”

2 Corinthians 5:7

May we always find ways to put our focus on our faith, and not in the circumstances or people that could be keeping us up at night.  It might be easier said than done, but just like with everything else, practice makes... better.  

Embracing the struggles that life brings from time to time with the knowledge that we do not journey through life alone. ❤️

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Monday, January 6, 2020

It’s been a super long day.  A busy day at work, but it ended with dinner at one of our favorite pizza places, Giordano’s and then a Three Kings celebration at home.  A dear friend joined us to it all and it was a nice opportunity to catch up with the girls before they go back to school. 

We always leave our Christmas decorations until the day of the Epiphany, so I guess that means, it’s Christmas tree take down day on Saturday for us. ❤️

Going to bed with a thankful heart after a challenging day.  Sometimes, looking at the big picture and centering our focus on what really matters in our lives,makes all the difference in the way we respond to situations. 

Grateful for the family traditions that make our family who we are.  Happy Three Kings Day to all! ❤️

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Sunday, January 5, 2020

Last night, after a long, exhausting and draining day in every way possible, I stopped at the church office to take care of something before heading home for the day.  To my surprise, I found a big box sitting on my desk that had been delivered to my attention earlier in the day.  I was so pleasantly surprised and it definitely put a smile on my face. 

I felt so out of sorts last night that I didn’t even open the box, I just didn’t have it in me.  This morning, before I made myself a cup of coffee, I went to open the box and it was filled with delicious homemade treats, a sentimental salt and pepper shaker and most importantly, LOVE.  

Sunflowers are my absolute favorite flowers.  If I could spend a day mediating on a comfy chair, coffee in hand, and surrounded with sunflowers, that I think, would be a favorite day. 

The person who sent the gift lives quite a few states away from Illinois, and in the touching card she wrote to me she said that she was out shopping somewhere and when she noticed the salt and pepper shaker in the shape of a sunflower, she thought of me immediately and had to get it for me.  She could’ve just sent that and be done, but she also put in the extra effort to send all my favorite holiday treats, including homemade trail mix. 

Love doesn’t have to be spelled out, or even spoken.  The purest form of love comes in the form of actions. And today, because making connections of this type help me journey through life, I’d like to think that her gift was meant to be, not only because of the amazing meaning behind it, but because of the timing as well.  

The cup I’m drinking my coffee in this morning often reminds me of where my focus should always be in life. Faith. Hope. Love.  ️

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Saturday, January 4, 2019

Today was a day of work, a day of laughter, family, friendship and also hardship and by the end of my day my heart felt so heavy that I found myself at a loss for words if you can imagine that.

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What I had written in the morning to share on my blog today lost all meaning as the day progressed.  Sometimes life makes you reflect and pause in bigger ways, and tonight im doing just that. 

May we all be blessed with moments of peace when we least expect them and also, when we most need them. ❤️

Friday, January 3, 2020

It was 11:25 pm at out house last night, everyone had gone to their bedrooms for the night, I was reading a chapter of a new book I got, Stan had just turned on the heating pad for a backache he had when I hear across the hallways words you don’t really want to hear that late at night, especially when you are already comfy in bed nd about to go to sleep after a long, long day of work... 

“Mom! Can you please come here for a moment?”

“What is it?”

“Just come here!”

“Can you tell me???”

“I just need you to look at something!” 

Well, you know then you REALLY have to get up and to... mommy duty calls! 

I hurried up, walked across the hallway to Bella’s bathroom where she was and well, she was covered in hives! Yep, the kind you get when you get an extreme allergic reaction after eating something or touching something that didn’t agree with your body, except, she didn’t eat anything out of the ordinary and the only thing she did that was “unseal” yesterday, was go to a Badmington club with a friend for a couple of hours.  So maybe something in her friend’s car gave her that allergic reaction? Something at the club? Who knows!!! 

Bottom line this kid had us scrambling for Benadryl ointments late into the night and Stan had to get out of his comfy bed too to run to a nearby Walgreens that was closing in just a few minutes to get an oral allergy medicine and I was praying we wouldn’t have to go to the ER, because the more time it passed the worst those hives got and her face was getting the worst of it also. 

I put some cold compresses on her face since I didn’t want that ointment near her eyes and that seemed to calm the itchiness. And thank goodness Bella is the way she is because she was SO calm and understanding throughout the whole thing.  

While Stan was at Walgreens at midnight, I helped Bella at home, and as soon as he walked in with the medicine, she took it and we did a few more cold compresses and then she went to sleep.  OF COURSE, I couldn’t fall asleep and neither could Stan.  Stan was googling all kind of “why rash on the face...” “what does it mean to...” you know, because there at at LEAST 1.000.000 explanations as to why you can get a rash, OY! But he was worried and so was I.  

I finally fell asleep around 1:30 am I think and woke up again around 4 am to check on her and make sure the meds were working.  She was sound asleep, her checks had calmed down a bit and she seems relaxed. 

And we thought we were done with the waking ups in the middle of the night now that we have older kids, HA! Think again! 😃 

I’m just thankful that the medicine we got seemed to help and she was able to get some rest last night.  Now, I’ll just have to make double the amount of coffee I drink today to make it through the day as I am scheduled to work at both jobs today. That should be fun! 😬☕️💪🏻

PS: Even Daisy has bags under her eyes this morning from all the commotion last night! 😂🐶

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Thursday, January 2, 2020

Do you ever pay attention to the very first moment your feet touch the floor in the morning upon waking? I do! I have my whole life, there is sacredness in that awareness, at least for me.

Every morning when I open my eyes, the very first thing I do is pray.  I give thanks for another day of life and ask God to bless the day ahead.  I ask for blessings for myself, and my family, I say traditional prayers and then, I rise and slowly lower my feet to the ground.  I love the feeling I get when my feet and the hardwood floor make contact for the first time every day and every muscle of my feet wake up as I start to move and begin my day. 

Awareness.  The moments of grace and sacredness in our lives that welcome our every morning. ❤️

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Wednesday, January 1, 2020

Happy New Year!!! ❤️🎉

The most important question here is, how long will it take me to start writing 2020 at the first try at work without starting with 201...? 😉

Stan and I had a quiet New Year’s Eve yesterday.  We ordered carry out, watched two movies, talked about a few things, made some plans, toasted at midnight, drank some champagne and went to sleep.  Nice and simple! 

My eldest spent the day downtown catching up with friends from her previous College and she seems to be loving her time there. The little, who is not so little anymore, went out with friends and then spent the night at a friend’s house with a group of girls. She also seems to have had a great time! Happy kids, happy mom! 😊

I decided not to write down resolutions for the new year, but instead I’m planning on staying focused on the projects I started working on last year and maybe set a couple of health related goals for the new year.  

Social media tends to overwhelm me at times with its pursuit of “perfection” and happiness and a “you can do it all!” mentality! Yes, I FULLY believe that if we put our minds and efforts into greatness, it can be accomplished, but life is so much more than that.  Heavy schedules and the feeling of being overworked can also take away the satisfaction of meeting deadlines and succeeding at something.  Our bodies need rest, our minds need rest, our souls need rest, that’s just as important as what success looks like in print. I guess I can say, balance is my New Year’s resolution. 

Our family has a lot of exciting and important events and celebrations this year, it’s quite a year of growth and milestones for us and I’m already taking it all in, making some plans and enjoying it fully. 

May this year be a healthy year, a year of growth in every aspect of our lives, a year of love and friendship and most importantly a year of peace.  

2020 we like you already! ❤️

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Tuesday, December 31, 2019

I've been sitting in the stillness and quiet of the house for over an hour, reflecting on this year that we will soon be waving goodbye.

So much happened in 2019, so much!  It was particularly a year of opportunities for me, and a year of growth in every aspect, professional, personal and spiritual. A year of maturity and a year of really getting to know myself and understanding and accepting life around me when it’s not necessarily how I envisioned circumstances and people’s behaviors, but also with a vision that I am not always in control, and when things get a little tricky and I don’t like the way people act or the way things are going, I have the choice to react or remain calm and continue living a peaceful life within myself. 

2020 will be knocking on the door saying “are you ready for me???” 😃We have a lot of important events happening at the Borlas and we are very excited for each and every one of them! 

2020, we are ready for you! I can already feel the blessings, hope, opportunities and the love that new beginnings bring.

May this new year bring love and peace to our lives and the world! ❤️

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Monday, December 30, 2019

It’s almost midnight and I just put on my pajamas after a long day.  It was a long and tiring day, but the good kind of tire if that makes sense.  It’s one of those days when you’ve done a lot but your soul and heart are at peace.

It’s hard to believe that 2019 is soon coming to an end.  It was quite a year for me, lots to be thankful for, lots to meditate on and many things that helped me grow as a person.

I will keep this journal page short tonight.  I think my body really needs to rest and I am excited to start reading a book I just got.  Maybe I’ll read a couple of pages tonight.  

Tomorrow I get to sleep in, and drink my coffee in the most relaxing of ways, maybe I’ll have two cups of coffee, one right after the other... maybe I’ll drink the second cup of coffee with a leftover homemade Greek donut from the restaurant Stan and I tried tonight, who knows! 😉

Good night, sweet dreams! ❤️

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Sunday, December 29, 2019

Lazy days is what we’ve been having lately when we have the opportunity to be home.  We’ve done a whole lot of nothing, lots of movie watching, LOTS of eating, napping, talking, laughing and simply being together.

The girls have done a lot of socializing and meeting with friends this winter break and I am loving that because they’ve been so happy, especially Michelle catching up with friends she doesn’t get to see often because school is so far away. 

Today, we have a few things planned for the day with all of us and then just a couple of plans with just Michelle and I and I’m really looking forward to it.  I am so looking forward to today that I even put an alarm clock to wake up on my day off! Ha! 

It’s hard to believe that 2019 is coming to an end but it’s also an exciting time, a time of renewal and an opportunity to set new goals for ourselves, a fresh reset in our lives. 

I hope you have some time of rest and play and moments shared with your family today. Happy Sunday everyone! ❤️☕️

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Saturday, December 28, 2019

“You become.  It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been lived off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby.  But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” - Margery Williams Bianco 

WORD!!! Love these words, all of them, separately, and together.  Realness is what I crave every single day of my life.  Real people, real conversations, real feelings, real relationships, simply REALNESS!  

I have walked this earth for almost five decades, some of those years have been walked in full awareness but most of them were walked trying to find myself, maybe pleasing others or pretending to be someone else with an unconscious effort to be liked.  I can almost feel the day and time when I fully accepted myself for who I really am with all my strengths and weaknesses and no apologies.  I love who I am, the essence of my soul and whatever gifts I can offer to those around me.  There is zero pretentiousness in understanding and accepting yourself, but rather pure love, at least in my eyes. 

I used to be a people’s pleaser before and it drove me crazy.  My pursue is mainly towards  being happy with myself these days because if I am content, I can offer more of who I am to those I love.  I think it’s a pretty awesome feeling to be able to step into any situation in life knowing who you really are, what you allow in your life and how you manage the circumstances presented to you.  

Becoming.  It has taken me a long time to be where I am in life right now.  I’ve cried quite a few tears getting here, I’ve had my struggles, but I can sincerely say that I have never been more confident and happier in who I am and where I am in life that right this moment and it’s an awesome feeling!  

We owe it to ourselves to chose the right relationships, the friendships that lift us up, the conversations that empower us and the moments in life that make us feel loved and worthy.  Believe me, once you start practicing this, it’s easy to do and it becomes quite an exhilarating habit. 

Becoming. Realness. Such empowering words. ❤️

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Friday, December 27, 2019

This morning I woke up thinking about all kinds of things I wanted to journal about yesterday (my nephew’s civil wedding and reception at the bride’s gorgeous home, and some feelings in between), and then today happened and I had one of the most hectic but good days and I forgot all about what I had in mind this morning, but it’s ok, this was meant to be I guess. 😊

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this at least a million times, but Christmas time is the second busiest liturgical season in the Catholic Church and we have been swamped at work. I have particularly been very busy handling the social media and marketing part of it and it has kept me very busy but I absolutely love it, it makes me happy and one idea brings the next usually, so fun! 

After a super long day at work, I came home tired but I really wanted to unwind somehow and somehow cooking gives me that happiness, or movies, but Bella had occupied the entire living room with her display of canvas and paint and I didn’t want to disrupt her since she was so focused and relaxed creating her art, so frying pans and cooking sheets were my second best choice. 

I have been diligent about cooking all the food I have in the fridge and not wasting anything and today I was able to prepare two meals with all my fridge findings.  An Asian meatball and rice dish and a Tuscan spaghetti with sausage and shredded Parmesan cheese, both so delicious! I’m tired now after washing a mountain of dishes but looking forward to tasting these two meals tomorrow. 

Michelle is out to the movies with a friend and I’m in the kitchen waiting for her with a cup of tea (coffee picture is from my morning coffee at work 😉), so we can catch up about her day.  I am absolutely loving having her home this winter break!  Now, let’s hope I can sleep in past 7 am tomorrow... 

Good night! ❤️

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Thursday, December 26, 2019

‘‘Twas the morning after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirrings not even a mouse...” 

The whole house is quiet, Stan is out at a dentist appointment, the girls are asleep still and I’m sitting on the front porch sipping my coffee, enjoying this unexpected Fall weather and reading a book Bella got me for Christmas. 

I am absolutely loving the noise we’ve had these past few days and believe me, Michelle and Bella can create a LOT of noise together haha, but the noise makes me appreciate my quiet mornings before I head out to work every day a little more.  We are definitely creatures of habit, and this long practiced routine of mine holds more meaning than I ever thought it did. 

Yesterday was pure bliss in my book.  We spent the day doing nothing other than being together.  Nobody changed out of their pajamas, well, except for Stan to take Daisy on a walk, the cars were not used, we ate all day long, we watched three movies, we took naps, drank sangria, hot chocolate with cute Christmas sprinkles on top of the whip cream and talked and talked and talked!!! Michelle also played the piano for a good part of the day and Bella sat next to her guiding her Witt her musical ear and singing with her.  If I could bottle any of our Christmas time so far this year, I’m pretty sure yesterday’s memories would be it. 

Embracing these moments of joy like no other, it will be a while until the four of us can be together again under the same roof. ❤️

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Wednesday, December 25, 2019

This beautiful coffee cup was given to me yesterday by a friend in a very unexpected way.  I was getting ready for Christmas Mass at the church where I work when a friend texted me to tell that me she was at my door with a surprise.  She handed me this cup and told me that she had seen it at a store and thought of me right away.  I completely love the fact that she thought of me at that moment and time, but what I love the most about it is that she acted on it, went out of her way to get it and then dropped it off at my house on one of the busiest days of the year, Christmas Eve.  I love thoughtful and caring people, they make the world a better place. ❤️

Speaking of yesterday, the day turned out to be one of the loveliest Christmas Eve’s despite the low expectations I had for it because my body was so extremely tired from the precious weeks.  It was a great reminder that happiness doesn’t come wrapped in the form of “perfection”,  meeting every expectation possible around this time of the year, but rather by being surrounded by those we love, food we enjoy (whatever that might be), great conversations and lots of laughter.  When my girls were little I knew they’d grow up to be good friends, but I don’t think I ever thought they’d grow up to be BEST friends and love each other so much.  This is my greatest gift, on Christmas and every other day of the year.  

On this day of miracles and great love given to us by the birth of baby Jesus born in a humble manger many years ago, I wish you and your family many blessings.  Blessings of health, peace, joy and love. 

Merry Christmas from our family to yours! ❤️

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Tuesday, December 24, 2019

Faith. Hope. Love. This coffee cup highlights three of my favorite words. 

Faith has been the wind beneath my wings throughout my life, the voice inside of me that says “do not be afraid...”, a complete trust and confidence in knowing that I am never alone in this journey called life. 

Hope is to me the face of positivity when I place my trust and have faith in my beliefs, in what I think and do.  Hope has been vital in my life, without faith and hope I am not really sure who I would be now. 

And love, well, the word love alone says it all, it needs no explanation.  It’s the purest form of goodness in our lives and my life has been blessed with SO much love! Family and friends that I know love me exactly for who I am, with all my gifts and faults and strengths and weaknesses, who expect no apologies or explanation from me, they simply love me and accept me. 

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of events for me, one of the busiest times in my life I think as far as commitments and responsibilities go, but I’ve navigated them all with ease (on most days), because I have an amazing support system and people that have held my hand through it all, especially Stan who I would never find enough words in the dictionary to verbalize the gift he is in my life. 

I’ve been sitting in the kitchen by myself sipping my coffee for a couple of hours, just thinking, meditating and bringing to mind those dearest to my heart. I am blessed indeed. 

I can now hear footsteps coming from the second floor. The girls are up, Michelle just got out of the shower and I can hear “it’s the most wonderful time of the year...” blasting out of her bathroom door.  She has always been my biggest “I love everything about the holidays” kind of girl, I’m thankful for her spark of Christmas magic at our home this year.

Bella has now joined her big sister in the caroling and music playing, and I can hear them laugh and talk and those two together will always be the best noise in my life.  I knew they’d always love each other when they were growing up, but I never knew they’d love each other this much! 

Christmas Eve has always been a time of reflection for me and an opportunity to look back, look up and say “Thank you... I feel the love and all your blessings.” ❤️

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Monday, December 23, 2019

Here I am again writing this at almost midnight.  It was another hectic, busy day at work (that’s what happens when you work at a church 😉), the Christmas season is the second biggest season in the liturgical calendar after Lent and Advent and we have lots and lots to do all the time, but all is good, starting tomorrow I’m off for three days straight, hurray for that!!! 

Other than being a busy day at work, our house was a revolving door today.  Both of my girls hosted holiday get togethers for friends and there was a lot of cooking and talking and eating and gift exchanging and celebrating.  Nothing makes me as happy as seeing my kids happy and thriving!!! ❤️

After work, a dear friend and I treated ourselves to a fancy dinner at a local steakhouse that is worth visiting at least once a year.  Work hard, play hard, and by “play”, I mean, good food of course! 😉

After dinner, my oldest daughter and I went shopping and then “catastrophe” happened, I lost my phone!!! When I was about loose my mind over it, Michelle kept my calm with her own calmness and peacefulness that has always characterized her and after a good while of frantically looking for my phone at the store, Michelle found it in the car (yes, omg is right!). The phone had slipped out of my coat pocket into the side of my seat.  Before I started driving to go home, Michelle held my hand and said “it’s ok mom, things that can be replaced are not worth losing your peace over, just take a deep breath.” And you know what, she is absolutely right, replaceable things are NOT worth loosing our peace over, but at the moment and after a very long day, a lost phone situation is not exactly what I had in mind, but I am grateful for Michelle’s gentle reminder about the true meaning of life with this unexpected incident.

I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons in the past couple of weeks, and right now I’m just feeling very, very thankful for Stan and both of my girls in particular. 

Everyone has gone to sleep now, and I’m sitting in the peace and quiet of the kitchen sipping a hot cup of tea... to calm my nerves mainly before I go to sleep! 😉

Merry Christmas Eve, Eve! ❤️🎄

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Sunday, December 22, 2019

Oh what a day!!! 🎵🎶

The day started with our family hosting a holiday breakfast for my youngest daughter’s Girl Scout Troop, a group of girls we’ve known and loved since they were little Kindergartens and are not on their way to graduating High School and starting a new journey in College, it feels so surreal but that could be a journal page of it’s own, they have made so many amazing memories throughout the years and my heart feels so much happiness just thinking about all their memories. 

Breakfast included delicious homemade pancakes, made to perfection bacon if you ask me 😉, tasty cheesy scrambled eggs made by Bella and hot cocoa with colorful marshmallows.  It was so nice visiting with them while we cooked and ate and talking about their College plans and school in general. Love, love, love these girls!!! ❤️

My work day was long today, very long, this weekend felt like the longest weekend I’ve ever had in a while but I think it could be part of the fact that I’m feeling the tiredness of the holiday season and I still have SO much to do and also, I wanted to be home with Michelle but commitments are commitments.

My weekend job always centers me in a special way and I somehow, despite how tired I might be always leave with a sense of peacefulness. 

Tomorrow is another big day, LOTS to do, and some fun celebrating as well.

But one thing is for sure, it feels AMAZING having both of our girls, our entire family under the same roof! Taking it all in and loving every minute of it.  I’ve already gotten about 100 hugs from Michelle, she is an expert on that! 😊❤️

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Saturday, December 21, 2019

I haven’t sent out Christmas cards in a long time!!! Actually, I think I’m the whole history of our marriage I’ve only sent out Christmas cards a couple of times.  I didn’t grow up with that tradition, so it’s something that doesn’t comes naturally to me, but Stan LOVES sending Christmas cards, every year he asks “are we sending cards this year?!” Poor Stan, haha! Maybe I’ll start participating in that sweet tradition! 😉

Even though I don’t send out Christmas cards, I absolutely love receiving them.  I await impatiently for the mail carrier every day during the Christmas season and check the mail box with great enthusiasm to see what treasure will show up there.  I open them as excitedly as a five year old would open a birthday present and the joy that every card brings me, it’s pretty much equal (I’m sure 😉), to that of a five year old with his new toy.

There is a little magic attached to those cards, and the fact that the sender chose to include us in their list of receivers, gives me great joy too.  I always think about the process they might go through. Deciding what card style to pick, what picture, what greeting, preparing the labels or handwriting the envelopes... the whole process speaks of love and joy in my opinion.

I’ve decided that I need to start doing that too and reciprocating that love I feel when I receive a Christmas card.  Could it be too late to do that just now?! We will see! 😊

Maybe, this would be the perfect way to get me into the Christmas spirit every year from now on... ❤️

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Friday, December 20, 2019

Happy Friday!!! Even though is my work weekend, it feels good to be ending the work week with many projects accomplished. 

I did most of my Christmas shopping yesterday online and it felts great joy having to step into a department store.  I reaaaaally dislike malls, or stores of any source, they make me very uneasy, I only go if it’s absolutely necessary.  Hoping all my items arrive before the 24th, but at least my kids are older now and I’m sure they would understand if they are a little delayed... I hope?! 🧐😉

Getting ready for work this morning was not a walk in the park, I just wished I could’ve stayed in bed a little longer, but a freshly brewed cup of coffee, and a last minute lunch date with a friend is all the motivation I needed for today. 

Happy day everyone!!! Make someone smile today! ️️❤☀

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Thursday, December 19, 2019

Ah... the holidays!!! I don’t really know how I feel about them and it’s not at all about being a grinch, I just don’t easily get “seduced” by all the Christmas extravaganza of gift shopping, and overwhelming schedules with long to do lists.  Social media doesn’t make it easy either when you are feeling a little blue around this time of the year, sometimes it’s a reminder of what you are “lacking” in your own life, even if those things that make us feel insecure don’t have a lot of meaning or not even anything to do with our lives. 

But yesterday, I experienced my own Christmas miracle in a very subtle and spiritual way.  The noise of Christmas made by humans was getting to be too much for me and I was starting to feel a bit overwhelmed, something that doesn’t happen to me too often and I didn’t like it the feeling at all.  I’d rather feel at peace and in control, but who doesn’t, right? 

I think it’s a good thing that I work where I work knowing the nature of my soul that sometimes craves clarity and peacefulness and realness.  As I was going about my day at work yesterday I had a few glimpses of Christmas peace, that’s how it felt to me at least.  I had a really amazing conversation with the priest at the church where I work, a few people dropped off treats for our office staff, and I saw many, MANY people pouring out their love for those less fortunate than us in the form of Christmas gifts!  The overabundance of gifts that were delivered was so heartwarming!!! Many of these families that buy gifts for families in need choose not to exchange gifts with their own family members so they can give to those who need it most instead and if that’s not the true spirit of Christmas, I don’t know what is!  Amazing humans!!!

I also witnessed the many families who later on came to pick up their Christmas gifts for their children and who often have to take public transportation to do so.  So many times these families, after receiving their gifts ask very quietly “is it ok if I wait here for a minute? I have to call a cab, it’s cold outside.” Of course it’s ok, it’s always ok! Those words not only break my heart, but also reminds of the many blessings in my life, in our lives and the simple things we take for granted on a daily basis that for other people are luxuries.

I ended my work day yesterday feeling uplifted, energized and I was even gifted with this breathtaking sunset! Those unexpected glimpses of faith digging deep into our souls and tapping our shoulders whispering “this is the true meaning and miracle of Christmas!” 

May this Holiday season bring us peace and focus on our faith and the true meaning of Christmas, peace with others and peace in our own hearts. ❤️

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Wednesday, December 18, 2019

I haven’t had a lot of time for laid back morning coffees lately, I’ve been crazy busy at work but I’ve had coffee at my desk every morning nonetheless and today I even had this yummy hot chocolate which was delicious!!!

Today I officially finished all my work Christmas projects that had super early deadlines and it felt GREAT to finally be free of that commitment and I also felt a huge sense of accomplishment. 

I also met with a couple of people about a special project that I’m working and that I hope to wrap up in a few months.

I decided to take tomorrow off from work, a well deserved day if I say so myself!  I can’t wait to sleep in (hopefully) and rest rest, maybe catch up on some shows and simply relax.

Christmas is just around the corner and I am not ready at all... maybe I can cross off everything listed on my to do list tomorrow, we shall see! 😉

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Tuesday, December 17, 2019

Well, let’s just say the day didn’t have enough hours today.  Christmas is a VERY busy season if you work at a church office, but I’ve been feeling pretty accomplished lately. 

On a positive note (the fun part of a busy day), was that’s today we had my office’s Christmas luncheon and then I met two dear friends for dinner.  Not sure how I was able to eat two big meals in a matter of 4 hours but I did! 😃💪🏻

I ended up going back to work after meeting my friends and finishing a project I was working on. Success! 

Today it made me realize that no matter how busy or blue you feel about the holidays (which has been happening to me this year for some reason), if you surround yourself with friends that love you, listen to you and support you, it’s a blessing to be valued.  The get together with my two friends today made me feel very loved and for that I am grateful. ❤️

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Monday, December 16, 2019

I came across the quote below recently and I couldn’t agree more. 

“As adults, we deal with stress all the time, but do we ever stop to think how stress affects our kids?  Today our children have so much to deal with and it’s important that we keep in touch with our kids to keep the lines of communication open.  Say, “I love you,” give your kids a hug, and most importantly, listen to them.  Our kids have a lot to say – we just need to make sure we’re listening.”

Our children (little and not so little anymore) deal with a goof deal of stress on a regular  basis.  From the pressures of school, to friendships, rejections and my biggest pet peeve in this new era... social media.  If social platforms affect the outlook on adults and the way we feel about certain things, it has especially a HUGE impact particularly in the young (er) minds of our children.

As much as I love social media for certain things, I also dislike it just as much.

I’ve had so many conversations lately with my daughters about all of that but with one in particular.  Conversations about school, friendships, social media, rejections,  expectations and the pressures of it all.  Sometimes as a mom all I can do is listen and give the best advice I can, but on most occasions all they need and want from me is to know that I’m here for them, in their corner, listening, watching, comforting, hugging and affirming them with love. 

Sometimes when their hurt, hurts me, giving them a hug and saying to them “I love you and I’m praying for you”, heals me in return. ❤️

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Sunday, December 15, 2019

Yesterday was one of the most relaxing days I’ve had in a long, long time!  I never even changed out of my pajamas and in all honesty, it was GREAT! I don’t remember the last time that happened, not the staying in my pj’s 😉, but the relaxing all day kind of thing. 

I did cook a couple of meals, but being in the kitchen makes me happy, and the rest of the day was simply talking to Stan and Bella and watching movies and tv shoes I like.

I had so much fun relaxing that I decided to postpone Christmas decorating to today instead of yesterday.  I know it’s mid December, but we’ve never put up our Christmas decorations too early, and since we’ve all been so busy at work and Schoo lately, this is the best weekend to do that. 

Today, we are decking the halls at home, purchasing Michelle’s plane ticket to come home for Christmas and attending some Christmas festivities.  

Perhaps, I should get out of my pajamas now so I can start my day socializing with the outside world! 😉☕️☀️

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Saturday, December 14, 2019

I have so many things that I would like to write about this morning, some of which are very personal but that one day I will find the courage to share, maybe after my kids graduate and we have moved into a different stage of our lives.  For now, I’ll talk about the holiday season, Christmas in particular and the many colors it has for me.

I moved away thousands of miles from my parents, siblings and the people I grew up knowing and loving when I was 24 years old, it seems like an eternity now.  My holidays were very different then compared to right now. My parents home was a revolving door, there were always someone visiting in the kitchen, I had holiday party after holiday party to go to every day around this time of the year and it all simply seemed like pure bliss.  The first decade of my life away from all of that, in a new country, a new life and new traditions was particularly tough because I missed everyone and everything so much, especially the traditions I had grown up knowing, but at the same time it was beautiful because I was creating our own traditions with my new family and two precious girls.  

Even though I have gotten a lot better about experiencing mostly joy around this time of the year, it’s still a little bit of a challenge for me, but I make an effort.  Of course, social media doesn’t help, but I can have control over that too if I want. 

Little did I know that I was marrying Clark Griswold!  I don’t think anyone (aside from Clark 😉), has the same level of enthusiasm and LOVE for holidays as Stan does.  He just looooves them so much!!!  He likes to deck the halls -I’d have to admit, that’s my favorite part of Christmas too- shop for food and gifts, play music, talk about traditions, memories, and he does all of this with the best and most enthusiast holiday spirit.  He has cheered me up on many occasions and has helped me stay focused on the reason for the season.  Just another reason to love him and appreciate him a little more. 

“Looks great, little full, lotta sap!” Christmas Vacation 🎄

On a separate note, I think it’s funny that I chose this coffee cup for my coffee this morning, because I had NO idea what I would write about today when I sat down with my coffee in hand, and Santa was not the inspirer in this thought sharing of mine today! 😉

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Friday, December 13, 2019

A few days ago I had a dream about some dear friends that we lost contact with a few years ago.  They moved away, life happened and we lost touch.  We were so, so close to each other and our families when we lived near by, so close that my friend is even one of my daughter’s Godmother of Baptism.  Even through the years and not being in contact, I always missed them and often thought of them.

My dream was so vivid (as most dreams are), that I felt as if I could almost feel their embrace, hear their stories and feel their love all over again.  I decided to text my friend and see if the phone number was still the same after so many years, to my surprise it was.

We texted back and forth for a good while that day and the days after our initial text and yesterday we were able to FaceTime and see each other and I met their grand babies and talked briefly with one of her sons who I’ve known since he was really young and now he is tall and good looking (not like he wasn’t before 😉) and who now is an accomplished Doctor and father of two. Her youngest son is also doing very well in his profession and I couldn’t help it but to feel so proud about their accomplishments and happy for my friend and her family for their joy.

We are making many plans of meeting up again and catching up in real life soon, and I can hardly wait until that in person reunion happens.

Today I woke up feeling very grateful for many things.  For reconnecting with my friend and her family, for the opportunity to rest on my off weekend (that starts today) at my part time job, and simply for the gift of spending time with my family for the next three days decorating for Christmas and being together.  It’s always about the simplicity of life for me that makes me the happiest.

Enjoy your day... make someone smile! ❤️

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Thursday, December 12, 2019

Today the Hispanic community celebrates the day of Our Lady of Guadalupe.  Many people around the world gather to pay homage to the Queen of the Americas.

My alarm went off at 4 am this morning to attend “mañanitas” for Our Lady of Guadalupe at 5 am at the church where I work.  I am always amazed at number of faithful and devoted people that show up that early in the morning. Complete families, young and old come on this special day and sacrifice sleep to celebrate this big day that is part of the Hispanic culture.  I love seeing the crowds of people walking through the door at church this day, most of them carrying flowers to place by the special altar they make for Holy Mary.

Our faith carries us through life in a special way, and our traditions connect us to each other in love and prayer.  Thankful for the gift of faith and tradition in my life. ❤️

Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us! 🌹

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Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Wednesdays make me happy for some reason, they are here to remind us that we are half way through the week.  A “you are doing it, keep up the good work, you’ll get to rest soon...” kind of message.  Why not look at hope and see optimism in every opportunity we get, right?

This week has been a very busy week for me at work, but despite the long hours and many tasks I’ve been responsible for, I have completely loved my time at the office working on projects and using my creativity. 

As a result of those long hours, I’ve been coming home later than usual and I’ve still managed to make meals for our family which is so important to me.  I’ve taken cutting boards and cooking utensils out as late at 9 pm on a few occasions, but the feeling I get when I’m done preparing food, cleaning and putting things away, is very satisfying.  I can say, I have a special connection with my kitchen! 😉

I’m sipping my coffee now, and heading out to work soon.  Christmas is around the corner and when you work at a church office that means, busy season! 

May your Wednesday be blessed and make you feel refreshed, the weekend is almost here. ❤️

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Tuesday, December 10, 2019

Yesterday I woke up to the pleasant surprise of finding out that Whole30 had featured my Whole30 story on their Facebook page for the second time since I’ve done the program.  Other than putting a big smile on my face because it was so unexpected and I’m a big fan of that amazing community, it was actually a reminder of the impact food has on my body.  

Food is fundamental for our health in general; but when you have other health issues, eating healthy food is necessary and should be made a priority.  I have to say that since I did Whole30 for the first time in February of this year, my cravings for “junk” food or foods that are not necessarily good for me have gone away and I never thought that would happen.  I am still a HUGE foodie, I love and appreciate food in q big way, but now, I am so extremely conscious of the rippling benefits and damage that food can have on my body that I pay cautious attention to my food choices.  

I have come to the realization that I will probably have to deal with my reality of living with chronic pain for the rest of my life since it’s something I’ve dealt with for over 20 years and it just can’t go away with a snap of two fingers, although sometimes I wish it did, BUT, eating foods that are good for me, has taught me that I can be in control of that pain to a certain level and that I can make an impact on how I feel on a daily basis.  There will be days when even the “perfect” combination of the healthy food choices, exercise and water drinking I do will not be sufficient to keep the chronic pain at bay, but even with that, it’s refreshing knowing that on most days, my health issues relating to pain can be controlled.

I experienced dramatic changes in my overall health half way through the Whole30 program and by the time I finished I felt as if I had been training to run a marathon and was reaching the finish line. It was an amazing feeling of accomplishment and I was very proud of myself for completing the program and not giving up half way through. 

All the shopping and cooking and preparation was hard at first but not impossible.  The not drinking coffee part every morning was the toughest for me I think, but I did it and I found ways of satisfying that craving that were within the Whole30 guidelines.

I did two rounds of Whole30 the beginning of this year and I’m already making plans to start my third round in January of 2020, and I can’t wait!!!  Maybe I’ll even do three in a row this time around! 😉

Managing chronic pain has been an ongoing journey for me and I’m grateful knowing that food plays such a crucial role in the way that I feel.  Food matters, food heals no question about it, my body has experienced that. ❤️

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Monday, December 9, 2019

Happy Monday!!! ❤️

A burst of energy and ideas woke me up at 4:10 am this morning and I was wired! Has that ever happened to you? 😃

It was the good kind of energy, not the “now what, I’ll be tired all day if I don’t go back to sleep ASAP!” kind of energy, so I was happy to jot down some thoughts and plans going through my mind at the moment.  I always keep a notepad and pen on my nightstand because you just never know when wisdom might show up, like this early morning! 😉

I have SO many things I want to write about and that I need to make time for.  Some things are inspirational (I’d like to think), some profound, some controversial and some simply necessary.  I don’t only need to find the time, but also the courage to share some of them because I feel they are equally important as everything else I share, but of course there is always that “what if... “ moment of doubt in the back of my mind that stop me from pursuing some of my most personal writing pieces. I know one day soon I’ll have that courage, time and wisdom to do it, one day when I least expect it.

Do something that makes you happy today! ❤️

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Sunday, December 8, 2019

An unexpected blessing today being able to sleep in a little when I was supposed to be at work in the early hours of the day.  I love when things like that happen.  I’m still working, but starting late which means I got to eat breakfast at home with my family, sip my coffee a little slower and simply savor the magic of the weekends.

I’ve been planning an overdue trip to see my parents for the last couple of days and I am really struggling about what made of transportation I’ll be choosing.  I would LOVE to go by train (at least the majority of the trip), but that means more money believe it or not.  Train trips are not cheap by any mans, and if I want to do it my way, relaxing in a sleeper car, then we are talking extra bucks, but trains give me a certain kind of peace nothing else gives me, and right now I need the tranquility of a few hours by myself, with my thoughts, great scenery, good food, naps, books and some writing... wait a minute, I think I just convinced myself! 😂

Flying would be faster and cheaper, but I HIGHLY dislike flying!!! Nothing about it ignites my enthusiasm, I do it when I have to do it, if I have to do it and I always do plenty of research to find the closest routes, no stops, etc.

Flying would give me an extra (or two days) with my parents, but giving myself the extra time to get there relaxed and renewed would be amazing for me too.  

Decisions, decisions, stay tuned!!! 🚆✈️

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Saturday, December 7, 2019

Yesterday was a hard day for me in my mom world.  I was unexpectedly faced with having to support one of my kids that was struggling with certain disappointment.  As parents we want to protect them from everything and everyone but it’s simply impossible, and even if we were able to, our actions would only cripple their ability to deal with life’s disappointments, which are unavoidable. 

I’ve been doing this mom thing for almost 22 years now, and sometimes I would rather go back to sleepless baby phase nights anytime, rather than seeing my children struggle and having their feelings hurt, it’s something I’m still learning to do.  To be present to them when they need me without getting emotional, to listen to their stories when they are hurt without getting defensive and to simply just be there, I think I’m getting better at it, it’s a work in progress.  I might not be able to protect them from everything, but I hope they know that for as long as I’m able to, I will always be there for them and will love them more than anybody else will ever love them. 

Ah... the ups and downs of parenting.  One day we are laughing, and the next day we cry together.  It’s what keeps life interesting I guess. 

Today was a super long day but I got a lot done after work, especially in the kitchen which I love.  Bonus, Stan, Bella and I were able to have dinner together in a warm kitchen after having the oven on for a few hours.  The three of us talked a lot, I laughed with Stan’s accounts of their visit to the vet this morning where Santa was present so their patients could have their picture taken apparently 😉 and we finally decorated the outside of our house with Christmas lights and it looks so, so pretty! 

As in every day, I’m thankful for the laughter, the tears, the victories, the disappointments and especially the growth that comes from it all. ❤️

Good night, tomorrow is another day! ❤️

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Friday, December 6, 2019

Speaking of quotes.  I read another great quote yesterday that I loved and was certainly timing in my own mom world.  The quote is anonymous but it goes like this: “your mom is the only person in the world that doesn’t have time to pray for herself because she’s too busy praying for you.”  And for me personally, when I pray for them, I firmly believe I’m also praying for myself because their peace, wellness and love gives me all that in return. 

I still remember the following scenario as if it were yesterday.  My two brothers and I were sitting on the porch of my childhood home when we were younger, probably in our mid/late teens, it was a late afternoon on a weekend and the weather was perfection.  I can still feel the air, the ambiance, the casual conversation and that fuzzy feeling of love when you gather around people you love.  Then, out of nowhere and for whatever reason I had the impulse of asking my mom, right there in front of my two brothers “who’s your favorite child of the three of us?!” Don’t ask me what prompted me to do that, it was mainly done out of silliness, but I can almost hear my mom gasp as soon as I asked that question.  Without a split second of hesitation my mother responded: “I don’t have a favorite child, I love you all the same, you are all unique in your own ways.”  Well, I’m not sure I believed that at the moment (about the “favorite” one of course😉 ), but it definitely made me think about it, so much that I’m still talking about it now. 

Now, that I am a mother myself, I can certainly say the same thing my own mother said 30 some years ago and mean it with every ounce of my heart and soul, but I think here is what I was getting to when I asked my mom that question.

I have two daughters, one is a young adult and the other a teenager.  They are four and a half years apart in age, and their personalities couldn’t be more different from one another, but they both have the same essence, values, integrity and they also love with the same intensity.  Do I have a different connection with each of them? Certainly.  Do I love them differently? Not in a million years!!!

They both bring out different qualities in me and we have very different conversations when spending one on one time.  They have a different sense of humor, different goals and ways of looking at life, one likes big cities, the other thrives in smaller towns.  One likes challenge and dreams bigger than I have ever dreamed in my life, the other does better with stability and security. I could go on and on and on about their gifts and talents and also their weaknesses, but that is exactly what makes them unique and the reason why our relationships with one another have grown and become stronger through the years. 

It’s also SO much fun enjoying the different personality traits and hearing their opinions about different subjects and their own perspective about the world around them. We always have very interesting and deep conversations, many goofy ones too of course, but one of the thing I really love and treasure (and one I am quite an expert at if I say so myself 😉) is digging into their thoughts and hearts and learning about them in ways I can only do as their mom and also seeing them become responsible young adults.

A mother’s love for their children is like nothing else in the world, it’s pure, transformative and selfless in an indescribable way. ❤

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Thursday, December 5, 2019

I read a quote this morning that said “a friend is one who knows all about you and likes you anyways.” KMW

How true is that! We can have many friends and many people in our lives that we deeply love and enjoy their company, but only a few will know our deepest yearnings, hardship and full emotions.  

I think about this quite often because knowing that I can put my trust in someone without the fear of being judged, means the world.  When I am able to share my joys and burdens with someone my journey becomes lighter and more enjoyable. 

Life can be a bit messy and complicated at times, full of ups and downs, no one is exempt of burdens and for myself or anyone to be able to count on someone and have their trust, listening ears, guidance and simply their presence be part of our lives, it’s a great gift.

Having someone that can also APPLAUD your accomplishments and really feel joy for the good things in our lives, is a treasure.  

If you have someone in your life (or two or three or more), that you can be yourself with 100%, and share your story just the way you experience it, make sure they know that.  It could be a great gift to them knowing that. ️❤

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Wednesday, December 4, 2019

Last night I walked in from work around 8:15 pm and immediately started cooking! I had so much food in the fridge that had to be cooked otherwise it would’ve gone to waste and I highly dislike wasting food, I’d do anything to be as creative as I can to use all my perishable food items ASAP. 

Even though last night was super late to start chopping and dicing and slicing and simmering stuff, I had a great feeling of accomplishment the whole time and most than anything I loved it when Bella came running down the stairs from her bedroom as soon as she started smelling all the food.  She walked in and happily exclaimed “it smells so amazing here!” Like mother like daughter! 😉

To me, food is the closest we can get to feeling loved and in harmony with our family.  Ok, there are many other ways to accomplish that, but I think gathering around the table, standing around the kitchen counter, preparing food, washing dishes and cooking is one of the best bonding experiences we could ever have.

Food is unity, it’s universal and it also speaks so many love languages.  Food is the first thing we think about when we are preparing to host a gathering with friends and family, and usually, the last thing we talk about.  Food is more than just nourishment, food creates bonds and a certain kind of love and peace. 

If you know me, you know how much I appreciate food.  The taste, the process, the aromas, the ingredients, the eating, the bonding... EVERYTHING about it. 

On that note I can joyfully share that I enjoyed pork carnita tacos for an early lunch just now that I made last night.  I garnished them with red cabbage, chopped onions, cilantro and a creamy avocado sauce, SO good!!! I used ground pork for the carnitas for the first time because that’s one of the meats had to use, and I completely fell in love with the taste and texture, definitely making them again. Maybe I’ll post the recipe later! ☺️🌮

Enjoy today’s sunshine! ❤️☀️

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Tuesday, December 3, 2019

One of my favorite quotes of all times is one by Maya Angelou that goes “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” How true and wise is that quote, and I think we can all take and learn a lot from it.

I can think of some occasions in the course of my life when people I’ve trusted (or people I hardly knew) made me feel unwelcome, unworthy, or even as if I weren’t enough by their indirect words and behavior.  Perhaps it’s the over analytical personality trait in me that almost immediately in every situation starts analyzing and immediately becomes curious about motives and behaviors.  Years ago, maybe even not that many years ago, they type of behavior used to bother me a lot, affect me in ways I didn’t like, until one day I was no longer willing to make other people change my OWN perspective on life and situations and decided that I could be in full control of how others made me feel if I wanted to, and I did. 

Looking back, I know exactly what day that was.  I was at a friend’s house for a get together she was hosting, there must’ve been at least 15 people and we were all gathered in her kitchen, talking about irrelevant things.  One woman, who I had just met that day and somehow liked being the center of attention, started making unpleasant and ignorant comments about people and situations in general in her own efforts of being funny and interesting (I guess).  One of those comments in particular really hurt me.  Even though her comment was directed to me in an indirect way and she probably didn’t mean it to sound the way it did, it really hurt my feelings and changed the entire tone of the night for me.  I had planned on staying for the entire duration of the party that night, but I was feeling so uncomfortable that I decided to leave earlier.  I excused myself saying it had been a long day and I was tired (which was true but I was using it as an excuse), and left.  I still remember that night as if it were yesterday.  I got in my car, still sitting on the driveway of my friend’s house, buckled up, and then I started driving after a few minutes.  I had not made a turn out of her street yet when an ocean of tears overwhelmed me.  I couldn’t believe that one ignorant (because it was nothing more than ignorance) comment had made me feel that way, and that what I was really upset about most of all, was the fact that I had allowed someone else, someone I had just met, have that power over me and made me feel the feelings I felt that night.  

I remember calling my oldest daughter Michelle that night who was away at College.  I’ve always trusted her wisdom and realist way of looking at life and I can always count on her to give me honest advice, so it felt fitting, I just needed someone to hear me, to not take my side, but rather tell me if I was overreacting.  She couldn’t believe my story and immediately told me she was sorry I had been put in that situation.  

That night after some thinking and reevaluating the situation I knew I had to turn that page, start a new chapter and from that moment on, I were to be the one to decide who I interacted wit and who I gave my space and my peace to become part of my story.  I’m almost glad that situation happened if I’m honest, because it taught me many lessons and I learned to respect myself in a different level, respect my space, my vision and my values in a more significant way. 

A couple of months after that gathering at my friend’s house I was shopping at Target.  I was walking in and out of the aisles when I saw that same person that had left a sour taste in my mouth that one night with her actions.  My body went into defense mechanism immediately, I can almost feel my body tense up, and a feeling of uncertainty of how I would greet her if she recognized me, after all we had only met once and just for a few hours.  I knew I could never be rude to her and ignore a hello, but I also didn’t want to fake my enthusiasm when talking to her.  I decided to go about my business, look for what I was looking for in that particular aisle and make no effort in making eye contact with her or a hello. I did just that, I didn’t change my plans or the pace of my walk, and I felt very proud of myself for taking the lead and choosing what was best for me. 

Choosing to surround myself with people that love me, support me and appreciate me will always be one of the greatest gifts I can give myself.  

May we always be people of welcome, inclusion and peace.  Life is a little sweeter if we treat each other with respect. ❤️

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Monday, December 2, 2019

I feel like I ate an entire elephant over Thanksgiving break, except it was in the shape of a turkey! 🦃

Back to work today meant tackling many projects that I couldn’t do over the break, the work day is almost over and I still have plenty to do, but I’m sitting at the dentist office right now while I wait for my daughter’s appointment.

Tonight we have the Christmas dinner for my part time job and I’m really looking forward to visiting with all the people I have grown to love over the past 10 months.  I think holiday parties give us more than an opportunity to socialize and eat good food, it give us a moment in time to pause and be thankful for our jobs and the people we work with, people that in some situations end up becoming our friends. 

Excited to officially kick off the Holiday Parties season tonight with great friends and yummy food! ❤️

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Sunday, December 1, 2019

I’m sitting alone at my kitchen table, looking out the window, sipping my coffee and simply being one with my thoughts.  I don’t think I could ever put into words the feelings that simple daily practice gives me, it centers my day and who I am in an indescribable way.

Last night before I went to bed I was feeling a little proud of myself (yes, it’s an awesome feeling to feel proud of your own accomplishments).  I realized just how much I love to write, how much I love to dig deep into my soul, to feel every emotion and most importantly to allow myself to be vulnerable and to share that vulnerability with others , but what I was feeling mostly proud of last night was the fact that despite the busy week we had with the holidays, family visiting and all the comings and goings, I found time every single day to spend some quiet time with myself and do this... to write even the simplest of feelings and enjoy my cup of coffee at the same time.  

I think it’s so important to care for ourselves, to listen to our bodies but most importantly to pay attentions to our emotions.  If we deprive our bodies and minds of self care, there is a slim chance that we can give a big part of the best of ourselves to those we love.

Last night I had an interesting dream.  I dreamed that I was sitting at a round table with a group of people, and although I hadn’t met any of them previously, we quickly started bonding and sharing stories about our lives.  It felt as if these people were my soulmates, we all understand each other at a different level, we were REALLY listening to each other and feeling validated about what we were sharing, no judgment, just acceptance.  Then, I said to the group, “if you were to give up something or spend time reevaluating your relationship with someone for a few days to restore your peace and make you full again, what or who would that be?”  Even though this was in my dream, I can still sense the quiet in the room from everyone when I asked that question.  It was as if everyone had been waiting for that proposal a long time ago.  What happened next and the exchange of thoughts were fascinating, intriguing, unexpected, but most importantly calming.  

Is there something or someone stopping you from feeling in harmony with your life?

Allow yourself to spend a few moments of the day alone, it might take some time to get used to doing that if this hasn’t been something you’ve practiced before, but believe me, it will be very transformative eventually.

May the month of December bring us calm, peace, joy, love, laughter, accomplishments and a spirit of service. ❤️

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Saturday, November 30, 2019

My first cup of coffee was in the early hours of the day, surrounded by family, cooking AND eating delicious food, but it’s been a busy day and just now I’m able to “sit down” and write my daily journal page. 

I have spent a good amount of time today admiring all the pictures that were taken yesterday at a friend’s Thanksgiving gathering, a “Friendsgiving” if you wish and I can’t stop smiling.  This is the second year that we get together with this particular group of family and friends for the Thanksgiving holiday and I have to say that it’s becoming one of my favorite celebrations of the year.

I absolutely LOVE the energy and the many displays of affection throughout the night.  People coming and going, food cooking and being served in the kitchen, all kinds of different conversations in every corner of the house, laughter, hands helping, picture taking, dreams and projects shared, and if you are like me and go through life carrying an old soul, you’d pause for just a second to contemplate all that and then realize that it’s in that moment, in the simplest and most ordinary moments of life that the most incredible memories are created.

A friend and I even made plans last night to get together soon and work on a sweet project that we (in a very serendipity of ways), came up with.  I can already picture the two of us, cooking, writing and sharing.  This moment made my day. ❤️

Tonight we close another chapter of this 2019.  Tonight, we say goodbye to the month of November.  A month that brought many joys in our house and some challenges too, and we welcomed both of those feelings with open arms.  Isn’t that what life is all about? Embracing challenges, and celebrating joys and opportunities... we learn from them all. 

What were your special memories of this Thanksgiving holiday? Did you get to hug someone special? Have a meaningful conversation with someone?  Rest a little?

May life always bless us with opportunities to pause and notice the ordinary moments in our lives.❤️

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Friday, November 29, 2019

I had my morning coffee with Stan and Bella this morning, a quiet house and the feeling of the holiday season.  I woke up to find Stan and Bella chitchatting in the kitchen, laughing and telling each other silly jokes, I love the relationship that Stan has with our girls, simply the best! ❤️

It’s been a day of eating and relaxing today and I can’t say I’m not loving it!!! Holidays are always better when spent with family and friends we love as family.  I’m beyond thankful for having so much love in my life, a cozy and welcoming home and plenty of food to share with others. 

Off to visiting with family friends the rest of the day... I see more food and tasty drinks in the (very) near future! 😉🍹

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Thursday, November 28, 2019

First and foremost, Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!! ❤️

I didn’t grow up celebrating Thanksgiving but through the years after getting married and moving to this country, it has become one of my favorite holidays.  A full day dedicated to giving thanks, how awesome is that?! 

Yes, yes, we don’t have to wait for this calendar day to give thanks and we can do it all day and hopefully we all do it, and feel thankfulness in our hearts in one way or another every day, but it’s special to have a day where we really and deeply think about what we are most grateful for. 

There are many, many things I’m grateful for, but among the most important are of course, my family. Stan as my number one for always supporting me and loving me and accepting me for being exactly who I am, and for always having my back.  For my girls who I will always love unconditionally and motivate me daily to be a better version of myself and who I feel immensely proud of being their mother.  I’m thankful for my aging parents and the amazing gift of their lives in mine.  For my brothers who love me, support me, appreciate me and put up with me and my crazy ideas.  I LOVE my birth family!!! 

For my health, my jobs, the professional opportunities I’ve had lately, our dog Daisy for filling the air with noise and love at home... for our HOME, which walls are filled with gratitude, love, laughter and tasty food.  I’m also thankful for the pain my body experiences from time to time for it reminds me of my humanity.  I am thankful for those moments when I’ve felt a little broken or shaken, they too have taught me a lot.  I am thankful for our family and friends that support us and show up for us day in and day out. I’m thankful for the many friends and family that have visited us from out of town, for those that include us and most importantly love us exactly for who we are, with no questions asked. 

I’m also thankful for YOU, for supporting this fun and crazy blog adventure of mine which has brought me tremendous joy. 

I wish you a wonderful day of giving thanks.  May your life be blessed with joy today and always! ❤️

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Wednesday, November 27, 2019

The “Turkevities” have began at our house!!! My cousin and family have arrived from California, and their son will be arriving today from College to join us for Thanksgiving.  I love a full house of noise and movement and food cooking in the kitchen, conversations at the kitchen table and overall silliness and love in the air.  

I’m thankful that despite the very busy work days we have every day, life gives us the opportunity to gather with family and friends, to rest and to enjoy simple moments that eventually become the big moments in our lives. 

Tomorrow, my cousin’s aunt and cousin will be joining us for Thanksgiving as well.  I am so looking forward to visiting with them, talking about the “good old times” with her aunt who I’ve known for many years and simply soak in the moment. Joy, simply joy! ❤️

On a separate note, Michelle, my oldest kid who is away at College ended up at Immediate Care last night AGAIN, it’s all just too much, but I am super thankful that she went and got evaluated by a doctor!  After days of dealing with all kinds of yucky flu like symptoms and ear issues, she was diagnosed with a bad case of sinus infection and double inner ear infection,.  She also has a really bad cough, because why not throw that into the miix, I mean she just might as well! 🤦🏼‍♀️Thankfully she has what she needs now to help her get better quickly.  In the meantime, she won’t be joining us for Thanksgiving anymore as we had planned, but I’m happy knowing she’s taking care of herself and will be resting to get better!!! Please help me pray for this kid to stay healthy! ❤️

If you are in the Chicagoland area today, enjoy the wind, I think Dorothy should be there somewhere because the wind began to switch - the house to pitch and suddenly the hinges “sound” like they have started to unhitch! 😉🌬

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Tuesday, November 27, 2019

Last night my friend Marianne and I went to see the movie “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood”, a story about a journalist whose life is enriched after being assigned to profile Fred Rogers.

The movie didn’t exactly start as I thought it would and we weren’t exactly sure how we’d feel about it after the first five minutes but it turns out it’s one of the sweetest and heartwarming movies I’ve seen in a long time.  We all (most of us I assume) know the wonderful life and legacy that Mr. Rogers left in the world for all of us and generations to come, but we don’t know the lives of those he touched so profoundly and personally like the journalist Tom Junod in this movie.  

I admire Fred Rogers for many reasons, but especially for the gift he had to speak about real life issues with a sense of gratitude, awareness and kindness.  He validated all human feelings and invited people to embrace those feelings and feel them fully.  He was in touch with his own humanity and also accepted his own feelings of anger, frustration, fear, sadness and shortcomings. 

One thing that struck a chord with me last night maybe because I’ve been working at a Funeral Home for almost a year now, was his conversation about death and how we deal or chose not deal with it.  As he wisely said “death is human and all human things are mentionable, and if it’s mentionable, it’s also manageable.” 

Some feelings and emotions are easier not dealt with, or so it seems, but when we see embarace those feelings from a human point of view, knowing we were created to be able to feel all feelings, then everything comes into perspective and things are more manageable.  

What feelings are you feeling today?  Embrace whatever those feelings are, feel them fully and allow them to transform you. ❤️

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Monday, November 25, 2019

Guess how many alarms I set up last night before I went to sleep? FOUR! And guess which one I woke up to? The LAST one! 😃

I remember days (well, years I should say, as of age in years 😉), when I used to go, go, go for hours and days and never get tired, and just a few hours of sleep would be sufficient to get the rest I needed to keep going.  Well, things have changed and my body needs a whole lot of rest to do the things I want to go and go the places I want to go.

It’s so important to listen to our bodies and give it the rest it needs regardless of our age.  We can push ourselves as much as we want but if we do it when we are depleted of energy and everything else within ourselves, we are only doing ourselves a disservice.  That takes me to a word I am not super fan of “hustle”.  I guess hustling is good to a certain point, we ALL do it from time to time, but hustling (in my very personal opinion), should never be something you push yourself so much that you end up feeling empty.

Yesterday morning when I woke up I had all these grand plans of tackling some projects I’ve been wanting to finish but by 5:00 pm last night I knew I wouldn’t be able to get it done by the time I got home after 7:00 pm.  As soon as I walked in the door from a long, long work day and weekend, all I wanted to do was to eat something, rest and watch cheesy tv shows and I did just that and it was a perfect way to end my weekend.  Other projects will have to wait, but I can’t push myself so hard that I end up suffering the consequences of my over “hustling”.  

Self care is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and those around us.  Our bodies and minds should be treated as temples, as they are just that. We owe them respect, love, nurturing and some challenge from time to time to keep them motivated and vibrant.  A right dose of everything is the key to find the perfect balance! ❤️

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Sunday, November 24, 2019

You know what that means when I pull out this coffee mug! 😁In the homestretch of my work weekend and it has been a very busy weekend so far but I’ve learned a lot and I’ve used skills I don’t get to use on a regular basis because I’m not at my part time job often enough; so busy and tired in this case, it’s a good thing when it comes to learning and being productive.

Last night Stan, Bella and I went out to dinner with a dear family friend of ours to celebrate Thanksgiving since she won’t be able to be with us.  It was so nice and refreshing spending time together and being able to talk about anything, literally.  It’s an awesome feeling you can trust a friend at the same level you trust your closest family members, and for that I am thankful! 

I am in love with the conversations we’ve had with Bella lately, I think this College application thing has made her very grown up.  It’s a melancholic situation also because she’s no longer the little, all over the place girl I’ve always known, but her soul and sunshiny personality has remained intact and that’s a very good thing!  We are so looking forward to finding or where her College application path will lead and what decisions she will be making, in the meantime she got an amazing offer from a great University where she submitted her application and she’s beyond excited to have that option.  Exciting stuff! 😊❤️

Have an awesome Sunday, go make someone smile today! ☀️

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Saturday, November 23, 2019

Happy Saturday!!! ❤️

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Have you ever woken up in the morning and felt so energized that you want to devour the world? Ok, at least your to do list? That’s more realistic! 😉 I did today and it felt amazing!

I work all day today but I have a few things I want to accomplish when I get home from work this evening, let’s just hope the energy level keeps up with my body. 

This morning I decided to drink my first cup of coffee in the coffee mug my aunt loved when she visited.  She had her coffee in this mug every single day (and night) and I’m saving it here for her next visit.  In the meantime, I’m reminiscing about her wonderful visit to Chicago while I sip my coffee and making plans to finish a blog page with all of our travels when she was here.  I’ve been so incredibly busy lately that I haven’t had a lot of time to write and use my creativity that way and I am missing that a whole lot!!!  But I decided that today was the day! ❤️

I have a few other things on my to do list for this weekend but not sure how optimistic I feel about those, time is a precious thing and when you have to be out of the house 3/4 of the day, it’s kind of hard but I’ll make it happen somehow, at least a few of those projects.

Off I go now to start my day!  I hope your day brings you joy and accomplishment and definitely time for resting as well! ❤️

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Friday, November 22, 2019

Last night my mind was going in many different directions until late into the evening after a long, long work day.  I was physically here, but I also wanted to be by my parents so desperately celebrating their big wedding anniversary and that was making me a little uneasy.  It’s very difficult not being able to just book a ticket and go!  There are MANY components to that decision, but soon, I will be there hugging them and drinking coffee together, among many other things! 😉

As I was wondering and pondering about the mysteries and meaning of life last night and many other things that occupied my thoughts I remembered one of my favorite quotes by Maya Angelou that says “a woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing.  She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself and only herself.” 

Oh, how I love this quote especially the part that says “... prepared to be herself and only herself.” Those few words hold so much meaning for me.

Are we really ready to be who we were born to be every day?  To go into the world unapologetically and confident in who we are and in our mission in the world? Life will sometimes present itself with obstacles and this new social media crazed world will also throw into the mix judgement and opinion based on nothing, by people that most times we don’t even know or know us well enough. 

I’d like to say that I am a woman in harmony with my spirit.  I am a very joyful person, full of life, constantly craving excitement and professional challenges but I also embrace my shortcomings and impatience.  I feel every feeling fully and in a very unapologetic way.  I have always allowed my body and soul to rejoice in the silliest of joys, to receive love deeply, to laugh until I cry, to cry until I can’t cry anymore, to be ok with my feelings when I experience anger and frustration and then almost most importantly to reconcile with myself and once again be in full harmony with my spirit. 

I could go on and on but it’s time to go to work, but as the song goes, “this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!” Always...️ ☀

Let your light shine brightly too in everything that you do! ️❤

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Thursday, November 21, 2019

Good morning!!! ❤️

There are lots of things that bring me joy, but a freshly brewed cup of coffee in the mornings is definitely at the top of that list! ☕️☀️

Today my parents celebrate 49 yes FORTY NINE years of marriage, wow!!! I feel so incredibly blessed to have them in my life and despite their tiredness, crankiness (my dad), and ALL the ups and downs they’ve gone through life in their years of doing life together, they have stuck to each other, supported each other and persevered on their journey together.  It has not been an easy road for sure and I have been a witness of that, but I have also been a witness of their faithful true love and understanding for each other in their own way.  Love is a LOT more than just a simple “I love you”, sometimes an “I love you”, is not even necessary when you show your love through actions.  In my parents case, I love you’s come in the form of my dad reading to my mom after becoming legally blind a few years ago. “I love you” is keeping each other company at doctors appointments.  “I love you” is keeping the house quiet when the other needs to rest or isn’t feeling well.  “I love you” is cooking for each other and simply just being there.  

My parents life journey has been a rainbow of colors and I have also learned a lot from their commitment to each other.  Their pace has definitely slowed down and their days (especially my dad’s who is quite a few years older than my mom), are filled with more rest than activity, but at the end of the day, they start together and go to bed together and I know they find peace in knowing they are there for each other more than anybody else. 

Happy 49th Anniversary to my gorgeous parents! May they be blessed with more years of love, togetherness and memory making! ❤️

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Wednesday, November 20, 2019

I have a special place in my heart for this coffee mug! Why? Because we’ve had it for almost 24 years. Stan and I bought a set when we were first married.  We loved it then, I love it and appreciate it even more now. 

Aside from that, it’s a miracle this coffee mug hasn’t broken, I happen to have a “gift”, you know, that special gift of things miraculously slipping from my fingers for no reason. If the kitchen floor could speak I’m sure it would say every time it senses me coming “oh no, here she comes again, brace yourselves!” 😄

Have you ever had one of those days where you felt super accomplished, productive and overall happy? Yesterday was one of those days for me! It was a good day at home with things getting done, good conversations with my family, even with my college kid who is away at College, work was great, I got some grocery shopping done and even made time to exercise.  On my way home for the day yesterday I was smiling from ear to ear, it had been a long day but I felt pure joy at the opportunity to be able to do all those things and to fully be present for them all without pain and without feeling exhausted, pure bliss in my book. 

For me, it has never been the extraordinary moments that make me the happiest, although I enjoy those fully as well, but rather the moments of gratitude I feel within my soul about the ordinary goings of my day.

Life is a precious gift that should be celebrated with great enthusiasm every fleeting second of the day.  Emotions and experiences only come by once, they are never the same, never repeated.  Embrace them and allow yourself to feel them fully... and wherever you go, go with all your heart. ❤️

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Tuesday, November 19, 2019

Today is my late start and I’m sitting in the solitude of my kitchen enjoying a cup of coffee and journaling.  Ah, how I love these opportunities! ❤️

I’ve been up since 6:15 am doing things around the house and already have a few dishes in the oven.  The house smells of sweet potatoes and roasted veggies as I wrote this, yum!

Let me share about yesterday, my visit to see my primary care doctor who I’ve learned to love. I’ve only been going to him for a few months now but I feel that of all the doctors I’ve had in the course of my like (aside from my ObGyn who I LOVE because he’s brilliant and honest), my primary care is pretty amazing too.

I made an appointment for a follow up with migraines because they’ve started to bother me again -a lot- and we had a long conversation about all the meds I’ve been in over the course of my life, doctors I’ve seen (plenty of Neurologists), treatment plans, what’s worked for me and what hasn’t, etc.  After a long conversation we decided to try a new medicine. Not a new medicine on the market per say, but new for me. A prescription pill designed mainly for migraines and arthritis with no major side effects like all the triptans I’ve taken for years and not a maintenance medicine; just a rescue medicine.  Well, yesterday I needed to be rescued from my migraine and as soon as I filled my prescription and I got home with it, I took one.  I don’t want to be overly optimistic here, but the migraine was gone within minutes, yes, within minutes, I couldn’t believe it! Only side effect: mild drowsiness, which I was ok with because it helped me sleep so well and I got a great night’s rest.  I think not being in pain helped too, so double hurray for that!

He also gave me a referral for a Chiropractor that a friend of mine who I fully trust in the wellness department recommended.  As we were talking, my doctor says “I don’t know if I’ve ever shared with you, but I was a Chiropractor before going to medical school.” The conversation we had after that was so reassuring to me and erased all the fears and doubts I had previously created in my mind about it.  He offered a few recommendations as well when using one, and I really appreciated all his input and support. 

I am so looking forward to starting my treatments soon, and praying that between this new “miracle” pill for me hopefully and the Chiropractor sessions, I can start to see the world from a different perspective and recover all that energy I’ve always had that started disappearing through the cracks due to the pain. 

Now, off to enjoy a savory breakfast and finish my cup of coffee. So good, so good! 🍳☕️

Have an awesome day!!! ❤️

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Monday, November 18, 2019

It was such an amazingly relaxing weekend that I don’t really feel like going out into the working world today, I’d rather stay home spending some time in the kitchen, writing and catching up on a new TLC series I started yesterday.  BUT... I know that once I get to work I’ll be ok because I do love my job and what I do, so there is that too! 😉

My college kid and I always text, every day, sometimes multiple times a day but only every once in a while we chat on the phone. She actually loves phone conversations.  We talked for a good amount of time while I made dinner and she did laundry at the laundromat near her apartment.  It was so great to hear her voice and hear her stories, stories that she would’ve never shared over text probably.  Michelle has always been my conflict solver, old soul child, and lover of all things, but the one thing I really admire about her is her presence and grace, I wish I could take credit for that but she was born that way, she’s been that way from the moment she was born. 

Right before I went to bed the other night she sent me the text below and I wanted to save it here so I can look back every time I miss her and realize how incredibly happy and fulfilled she is with the new life she is creating for herself. 

I just saw her a couple of weeks ago but I already miss having coffee with her and chatting, and also miss the comings and goings of New York City.  Maybe, just maybe, I’ll book another trip soon! 😉❤️

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Sunday, November 17, 2019

Oh glorious weekends with nothing (or almost nothing) to do, except wake up, have breakfast and a cup of coffee. 

Last night Stan and I went to a church dinner dance at a banquet hall near us.  As a matter of fact, is the banquet hall where we hosted both of our girls Baptismal receptions, sweet memories.  We were fancy people back then I guess! 😉

We “almost” didn’t go to the fundraiser even through we already had tickets, I didn’t feel like putting on a whole face of make up, dressing up (although I didn’t really dress up too much), and do all that jazz but despite all my talking me out of going attempts, I put on my heels, a smile on my face and headed out the door.  I actually had an amazing time visiting with everyone, and dancing which I had forgotten how much I love to do!!!  

I am a homebody by nature believe it or not.  Home is where I feel most comfortable, more secure, more cozy and more loved, and since I don’t get a lot of stay at home days lately, or for a while now, when I am home, I really do treasure those moments.  Moments of leisure, moments of cooking and sitting at the dinner table with my family and simple moments of just sitting on the couch to watch a movie or a favorite series with coffee or tea in hand, ahhh that sounds amazing to me! 

Tomorrow is my third appointment with the Chiropractor and I’m kind of excited to see what kind of pain level my body will be in with this session.  My muscles and body in general were under so much stress that the first two sessions HURT before I could feel relief, but I’ve been told that will get better. 

On a happier note as far as Chiropractors go, a friend of mine who I 100% trust her medical and wellness judgement, recommended a Chiropractor she goes to which happens to take my insurance!!! 😍  To be honest, this is a little bittersweet for me, having to switch Chiropractor practices but I just simply can’t afford out of pocket appointments every time I go, especially if this will be an ongoing situation.  Wish me luck! ❤️

Off to enjoy the rest of my Sunday with Stan and Bella.  Wishing you a restful end to your weekend and blessings for the week ahead! 

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Saturday, November 16, 2019

I’ve been really busy all day doing one of the things that make me really happy: cooking!  I started the day with a yummy breakfast and then got to work.  I meal prepped for a few days and we’ve already eaten half of that food! 😂

Now let me just get this out of my chest before I continue on.  I had a doctor’s appointment this morning (yes, between breakfast and meal prep), and since I woke up with an annoying migraine I wasn’t thinking straight when I was driving and I passed the street where I had to turn.  In an attempt to still make it on time and not have to reschedule because I’m a busy woman you know 😁, I called the office and asked if they were North or South of a certain street I had just passed.  The lady at the other end of the receiver said “uhm, I’m not sure, we are by the McDonald’s!” Wait, what?!? Does she know there are at least two McDonald’s within a mile distance from each other?! Pardon my frustration, I can blame it on the pain today, but by the time I found the doctor’s office I was TWO minutes passed their allowed late time and they could not take me! 😭 Had I found out right away if the office was south or north I would’ve made it on time but I lost precious time trying to help my not so helpful sometimes, Siri friend! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Oy, oy, OY!!! Oh well, not much I can do about that! I texted Stan in tears (literally) to share with him about the misfortune experience and he said “Oh well, don't be so hard on yourself, things happen. Come home. I'll fix you a cup of teecino.” I think I’ll keep him! 😍 I wiped my tears, went home and when I got home a cup of freshly made teecino was waiting for me. 

I’ve been watching the Prime series Modern Love and it’s so good, I just wish I had more time to watch!  So many stories and all based on true love stories which makes them more appealing for me.  Episode two is still my favorite and I could watch it over and over!🥰

Also, why did I use so many emojis in this journal page??? 🤔 Intriguing! 😜

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Friday, November 15, 2019

First of all, HAPPY FRIDAY!!! I’m so, so excited about today, not because I have any exciting plans but because I have no plans at all and I don’t have to work this weekend! 💃

I had a hard time sleeping last night, I tossed and tuned pretty much all night long, thinking, trying to get comfortable with my neck and sore back from my previous chiropractor appointment and too many thoughts ramblings through my mind, also “working” on my long to do list of some exciting things I have coming up that I’ve had no time to work on but I am planning on attempting this weekend.

Since I couldn’t sleep much and Bella and Stan were up in the very early hours of the day for school and work, I decided to start moving earlier than usual and be productive instead of laying in bed contemplating the world, which is a good thing to do sometimes, but I have things to do and places to go today! 

I’ve been in the kitchen since 7 am chopping, dicing, cooking and prepping all kinds of yummy food for my weekend prep meal, I love the sounds and smells of my kitchen.   I even had time to sit down at the table and enjoy my breakfast of a slice of toasted sprouted bread with mashed avocado (fancy people call it avocado toast 😉) with tomato slices on top, a dash of salt and pepper and some crushed red pepper for flavor. Oh... and a cup of blueberries which were delicious!!! 

I love savoring moments that spend doing the things I love and make me absolutely happy.

Friday blessings to me and mine and you and yours! ❤️

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Thursday, November 14, 2019

My recent quest for a new migraine treatment after years and years of suffering has really made me think lately about the impact that this chronic pain has made in my life.  Migraines are debilitating in every sense of the word, they are a beast almost impossible to capture.  

In my long journey of dealing with migraine pain I have been faced with feelings that have been really hard for me to deal with.  On most days I put on a “good” face, I smile, I try to make the best of things and go on with my life.  On days when I’m really suffering from pain, I have to make excuses and simply stay home, but some of the moments that have hurt me a lot are comments people make when I have been in terrible pain.  Although I am certain that those comments have never been intended to be hurtful, when you are a chronic pain sufferer your body is going through a great deal of pain already and struggling to stay afloat and unless someone is going through the exact same situation as you (which is very unlikely), is hard to tell what level of pain that person is in, or what their bodies and minds are feeling and going through m while trying to survive yet another episode of pain. 

Some of the things I’ve heard that have hurt me when I’m suffering from migraine pain are:

1. Slow down, you do too much

2. I get headaches too (migraines are not headaches)

3. Drink more water

4. Move around, exercise, you’ll feel better

5. You should stop...

6. Have you tried....?

7. Just try to relax

Migraines are a neurological desease and they usually last (for me at least) anywhere between 6-72 hours with prescription medicine, which in result leave you with a “hangover” headache which never goes away completely and eventually it turns into another migraine. It’s a vicious cycle. 

My hope is that with the new treatment I am seeking, I find out that the root of my migraines are not 100% neurological related. I guess I will have to wait and see.  Unfortunately, my father and both maternal and fraternal grandmothers have suffered from migraines as well, BUT I am still hopeful, because hope is one of my biggest sources of strength for me.

Things people have said to me that have really given me strength and support and made me feel loved are:

1. You are brave and strong

2. I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you if you need anything

3. It’s not your fault

4. We will miss you at... but we completely understand

5. It’s ok to cancel our plans if you have to

6. I found this article about migraines and thought you might be interested in reading

7. What can I do to help?

For me, every day is a victory. Every day is a new day, and every day is another opportunity to be hopeful. 

Yesterday I had my second treatment at the Chiropractor’s office and although it didn’t go as well as I would’ve liked it as far as giving me the relief I wanted, I am hoping that my body just needs time to go through the process of readjusting and learning a new way of living a healthier life.

One day at a time and plenty of patience, it’s the best gift I can give myself. ❤️

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Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Last night I attended a presentation about healthy eating and although it was very informative, it also made me realize how much knowledge I have in the healthy foods department just by being consistent (on most days) with my eating habits.  I am no nutritional expert by ANY means, but I do know quite a bit about the benefits of most  foods and what they do to our bodies. 

My journey through chronic pain has almost obligated me to do ongoing research about it and push myself to be as true as I can to my eating plan.

One thing I do have to change in my eating habits for sure is my sodium intake.  I eat way too much salt!!! I salt the food when I cook and I salt my food after it’s been plated.  Yesterday, I even went through the effort of going to the church’s kitchen to pull out a salt shaker from one of the cabinets to salt my vegetables, oy! My plan is to stop salting food when I cook, or maybe not salt it as much and then add a little more when it’s plated since I do like doing that.  She also suggested using sea salt instead because it tends to be saltier and therefore we use a smaller amount when salting our meals.  I’ll have to remember that.

Bottom line is, portion control is key to maintain a health lifestyle.  Eat plenty of vegetables, some protein, grains, and fruit in moderation.  Dairy is important too of course.  I particularly don’t eat dairy, but I do eat plenty of foods with calcium and I take a supplement. 

Food will always be one of my biggest sources of health, joy and also temptation.  I am always great at home because I cook a lot of healthy meals, but social eating is a challenge.  I’m trying and I’m learning, I just have to keep in mind the benefits (and harm) food does to my body when I make the right or wrong choices for myself. 

Today’s breakfast was a two egg omelette with tons of veggies, yum!!! 🥦🌶

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Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Do you ever feel like you are living a fictional life only it’s real?! 😬🙋🏼‍♀️

It’s 10 am and I’m having my first cup of coffee of the day, too many hours later than usual and I’m loving every taste of it. 

I came home late from work last night to the sweet (not) news from Stan about his car breaking down and trying to figure out a way to get to work.  Since he works way further than I do, the only option was for him to take my car to work and I would just find a way to get to work somehow.  The twist to the story is that Bella had an early dentist appointment today that we couldn’t cancel or reschedule but there is nothing stopping me from achieving what had to be done, so I requested an Uber and off we went, backpack in hand for Bella and all since she needed to go straight to school from there.

Thank goodness for this kid that ALWAYS has the best attitude and positive disposition!!! I really do admire her personality and spirit, she’s amazing that way.  She didn’t mind one bit our dilema of the day and was fine which whatever way I came up with to get us places.  

We were fortunate enough to get a ride back to school for Bella and home for me from a friend that had offered to help us in the past whenever we needed it, and today I took that offer and I will forever be thankful to her for leaving the warmth of her home to “rescue” the second part of our commute.  Thank you, thank you!!! ❤️

Now, it’s time to get ready for work and wait for friend number two to pick me up and get me to work.  What would the Borla’s ever do without our AMAZING community of friends??? Honesty, I don’t know, we are so, so, so blessed with the people in our lives, we really are.

Thankfully, Stan will be home on time tonight to pick me up from work and his car will be fixed by tomorrow.

I’m also thankful for the times our kids see us struggle, dealing with life unexpected situations and solving conflicts.  It serves as a reminder that life is not perfect, and it will never be and that despite the difficulties and challenges that life brings, you can STILL have a great attitude about it and laugh at the ups and downs and when plan A doesn’t work, you go to plan B, and if plan B doesn’t work, well you go to plan C and so forth... it’s all part of the journey.  

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and if it doesn’t, look for them... they are there somewhere, sometimes hiding a little deeper than usual, but they are there! 

Tuesday blessings to all!!! ❤️🍋❤️

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Monday, November 11, 2019

I’m sitting peacefully in the quiet of my kitchen, in my favorite spot, sipping my coffee, taking in the day, looking outside the window and admiring the fresh snow that is now covering the ground and adorning all the trees. 

Although I am not a winter fan by any means, I do love the first snowfalls and that melancholic feeling that comes with it.  There is definitely beauty in every season.  Well, it’s not officially winter yet, but if you live in the Midwest, the calendar means nothing when it comes to weather! 😉

I woke up feeling very proud of myself because today I completed a full week of eating 100% clean, fresh food.  I know 7 days doesn’t feel like a whole lot to be “that” proud of yourself, but in my case, being the huge foodie that I am, it’s a victory! 

I had a few very stressful days this week, and more than once or twice I felt tempted to go after food that is necessarily not good for my body but that gives me comfort.  Each time I took the time to prepare a healthy meal (cooking if my favorite distraction), and then made myself a cup of tea.  It worked every time and after I cooked and enjoyed my healthy dish, I felt like I had conquered a big obstacle.  And I kept telling myself “you are doing good Maria, just one more day, just one more day...” and here I am starting day #8, hurray!!!

The good thing I have going for me is that I truly enjoy home cooked, healthy meals.  The more greens, vibrant colors and spices my dishes have the more I like them, so it’s great to be able to have fun like that in the kitchen and get creative and thankfully, my family loves them too.

I have an appointment for today for allergy testing (first one in my life) and desensitization treatment if needed.  A friend of mine went to this particular allergist and her visit changed her life. Most likely our triggers are completely different, but desperate situations call for desperate measures and I’m ready to explore a different territory as far as treatment plans go for my migraines, I.AM.TOO.TIRED.OF.THEM.

Have a wonderful day, thank a Veteran today! ❤️🇺🇸

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Sunday, November 10, 2019

Happy Sunday!!! ❤️☕️

I have a late start today at my part time job and I can’t even tell you how happy that makes me.  It’s an opportunity to have breakfast with my family, sip my coffee a little slower, relax a little and wonder and ponder.

Stan is busy in the kitchen fixing all kinds of food, taking care of his plans and making us laugh.  I love our ordinary days that never get old even with endless repetition. 

Tomorrow I see an allergist for the first time in my life to see if he can maybe help me figure out this migraine issues.  I’m not sure if food allergies are the culprit of them, but it’s worth a try, desperate situations call for desperate measures.  Hoping and praying.  Praying and hoping.

Also, how is it Sunday already??? Is it me, or the weekends just go by a little faster lately? 😁 

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Saturday, November 9, 2019

I had my morning coffee today while enjoying a tasty and healthy breakfast and Stan and I talked about everything and nothing.  I love Stan the man, I do, I do! 😉❤️

It’s been an interesting day and a tiring day on many levels but I met a friend for dinner tonight and our conversation liberated my soul and lifted me up.  

Michelle is still not feeling the greatest, lots of pain and off days, I am praying that she starts feeling better very soon! 

My little (not so little anymore) burst of sunshine just walked in from her overnight training for the school program she’s involved in and I am savoring every moment of pure bliss that come from her school and extracurricular experiences this year, High School graduation will be here before we know!  Time goes by way too quick! 

Off to get into my pj’s, make me some tea and put on Netflix or Prime, whatever seems more appealing tonight! 😉

Oh... speaking of Prime, if you are reading this and haven’t watched Modern Love on Prime, do it, it’s soooo good!  Episode 2 is my favorite!!! 😍

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Friday, November 8, 2019

Oh, what a day it has been and it’s only 1:30 p.m.! 😁

I just got home for my lunch break but I’ve been oh so busy all day long and I still have a whole lot more to do today!

I have been diligent about watching what I eat lately because I started getting bad migraines again after I fell off the wagon in the eating department lately and it has affected my health quite a bit as far as the chronic pain is concerned and that means I have tripled my time in the kitchen., ay, ay, ay! I have been cooking nonstop or so it seems. Eating nutritious food is not an easy task and it’s not cheap either, but it’s definitely worth it.

After my coffee this morning, I prepped, cooked and assembled my meals for the whole day., snacks and all. I am very proud of my commitment this week so far (if I say so myself 🙈), and hoping I stay ON the eating healthy wagon for a long time, it can be done!!!

Bella leaves this afternoon for a weekend training for a program she is part of at her High School. I am SO incredibly proud of this kid and all of her accomplishments which she never speaks about. She is one of the kindest and most humble humans I know. Yes, she is my kid of course I’ll say nice things about her, but those who know her know she is one of a kind and has a heart of gold. I’m happy that she’s had so many amazing opportunities throughout her High School years and continues to do. She had a bad head cold over the weekend into early this week, but thankfully she got over it just on time for this overnight program.

Off to work again and then leaving to go to job numero dos from there, but today I am very thankful for a pain free day that allows me to enjoy and appreciate my surroundings from a different light. ❤

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Thursday, November 7, 2019

Have you ever paid attention to the noises and sounds of your home?  People coming and going, conversations, coffee brewing in the mornings, the loving sound of pets, laughter, maybe crying sometimes, rushing around noises, the sound of excitement, door bell ringing, dogs running to the door excitedly, dish washing in the kitchen and the sound of pots clinking and simmering delicious food.

Last night before I went to bed, after Stan, Bella and I were in the kitchen getting lunches and things ready for today, I realized how much I love ALL those sounds of my home.  Almost every sound speaks of love, and family and memories.

Although sometimes those sounds have involved the sound of crying or arguing, the majority of our home has had and still has sounds of love.  I can walk through my house and almost feel life and so much love in every corner that I pass.

The living room has seen many family gatherings, movie nights, dance “showcases”, it has also housed my children’s friends for get togethers, and we’ve had some interesting conversations there about relevant news around the country or movies.  I love my living room, it always makes me feel cozy and loved.

The kitchen, well, I have a special kind of love for this special place in our home.  The kitchen has witnessed a lot, let’s just put it that way.  In the kitchen we do more than cook, the kitchen is our place of gathering, the place where we take care of each other, where regardless of how many times I’ve said “can you please do your homework in the dining room or office?”, it’s the place where both of our girls feel most comfortable and inspired to do school work, and because of it, that practice has led to some interesting conversations AND many debates. We’ve had many important, meaningful and serious conversations there too. The kitchen has a very special place in my heart for sure.

I could go on and on about every room that holds a special place in our hearts, but the bottom line is, I love every room in our home, every noise, every sound and every memory created within the privacy of our walls.  It’s our sacred place of gathering, of finding comfort, of feeling deeply loved regardless of what the outside world has presented us with on any given day.

Have you ever walked by or driven by houses in our neighborhood and wondered “what are they doing?  What are they having for supper tonight? What are their conversations right now?”  I find that fascinating and intriguing at the same time.

As my children get older and our lifestyles change, I’m embracing and holding on to every one of those sounds and feelings a little tighter. Time is fleeing and so precious. ❤

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Wednesday, November 6, 2019

It’s a tea kind of day! I needed a something soothing to start my day today and this tea spoke to me. 🍯

Michelle finally went back to school today, thank heavens!!!  She’s still not feeling quite herself but she’s made progress since last night so pushed herself a little more today in an attempt of a “normal” day.  Praying she makes it through the whole day without any issues. 

Last night I left my office around 7:30 pm and after a quick stop at the gas station, I went to the grocery store to get a few things I needed for today’s meals.  I am determined to get back on track with my eating habits and focus on what nourishes my body.  

I love food, I have always loved all kinds of food, I am a foodie at heart and although I tend to eat pretty healthy most of the time, I am also usually tempted by junk food and food that is not so good for me from time to time.  Once I start eating badly, it’s so much easier for me to stay on that “oh well, more junk food won’t make a difference at this point” track, and the then it becomes a spinning wheel at full speed that it’s hard to stop. 

When I am committed to cooking and preparing wholesome, healthy food in my kitchen, it’s easier for me to avoid junk/fast food.  It’s not so much about the calories for me, but about nutrition and about staying pain free. Chronic pain and food go hand in hand, and every day I try to make the best food choices for myself to heal my body.  There are times when temptations get the best of me, but I am proud to say that on most days, I make healthy choices. 

One day at a time, that’s the best gift I can give myself! 🥦

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Tuesday, November 5, 2019

Sometimes I need my morning coffee and this coffee mug a little more.  

I don’t like sounding repetitive but our days seem to be that way lately. 

Michelle is back in the ER today, she’s made no progress health wise since her hospital visit last week, in fact, things have gotten a little more out of control.  I hate this being so far away deal, I really do.  There is little to almost nothing we can do as parents when they are sick other than to make sure they have the money they need to get from point A to point B, order food or medicine they need and be available to them 24/7 over the phone. This health issue has proven to be almost as bad as the health scare in early Spring when I had to travel to New York to get her.  I am praying that she gets some answers today, that the medical team working in the ER today make all the right decisions and help Michelle get better!!!  I just want this kid to thrive in every way possible and stop having so many health problems. She’s so extremely happy and fulfilled where she is right now and doing what she’s doing, but these episodes and visits to the hospital are not adding anything positive to the experience. 

On a separate note, I think I’ve reach the point of having to get prescription eye glasses.  After all, I will be 48 in a few months and I have been very fortunate to have done without them for this long, but it’s still soooo hard getting to that point, and having to make the appointment and recognizing that it has to happen. My vision has been very blurry lately and my “fake” eye glasses that I use from time to time, will only damage my eyesight I’m sure since they don’t have the right prescription. 

I’ll try to stay distracted with house chores and work today and hopefully I’ll get good news from Michelle later today. ❤️

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Monday, November 4, 2019

23 years ago today, I started working at Church of the Holy Spirit.  I still remember my job interview with Father Bill as if it were yesterday and the phone call following that interview a few days later letting me know that the job was mine.  I was ecstatic!!!  I had just arrived from Mexico a few months prior following our wedding and I was starting to feel lonely during the day while Stan was at work.  I didn't have a family support system here in the US or knew any friends, and I was also getting really bored.  I had always worked back home and I loved staying busy and interacting with people and I was missing that.

A lot could be written about these past 23 years of working at the church office, but the most valuable lessons and experiences will always be the stories I've heard from parishioners, one time visitors and even some of our mail carriers who have gone through a great deal of hardship in their personal lives and find it comforting to share their story when delivering mail at the office.

In all those years, I have witnessed stories of great joy and also deep sorrow.  I have helped a family in the office registering their baby for a Baptism while witnessing a funeral procession for a young child through the front office window; heart wrenching.  Many times, after helping parishioners with their needs and listening to their stories, I have sat down back at my desk and wiped tears quietly, a few times I have been unable to hold back those tears and cried along with the person sharing their story.  I have also laughed a lot during those years and I've had some amazing conversations with people I deeply admire.  Some of the people I have met at my place of work and through the church have become my best and closest friends and I couldn't imagine our lives without them.

The CHS community has been our family and greatest support system during all these years; it has been the foundation for our family life and the way we have raised our girls.  My job has truly been a God sent in many ways and I feel incredibly blessed.  November 4th will always have a special place in my heart.  Cheers to 23 years of love, life learning lessons and faith sharing!  And according to this picture, I have done a little more than answer phones at CHS, at least I have a picture to prove it! 😉❤

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Sunday, November 3, 2019

Yesterday was one of those days that I hope never gets repeated again, except for the evening part.

I spent all morning, afternoon and early evening checking on Michelle, talking to her back and forth and deciding whether or not she should go back to the ER or not.  She did not thankfully, and she seems to be making a little bit of progress today.

I had a previous invitation from a friend to go out last nigh, listen to some music, have a drink, some food and simply hang out.  All day I contemplated cancelling such plans, I went back and forth at the idea of going versus not going.  I was exhausted from dealing with Michelle’s health scare the day before and still dealing with it yesterday, I had so much to do at home and I, myself wasn’t feeling the greatest, I’m sure the stress wasn’t helping. 

I decided to take the bull by the horns, give myself a break from all the commotion and go out and have a little bit of fun, even if it was just for a couple of hours.  Well, I’m glad I went because I had so much fun!!! The music was great, I risked another migraine by having a drink (thankfully no side effects this morning), had some appetizers and talked and laughed at stupid things all night long.  At the end of the night I even walked away with a prize.  The fine looking travel coffee mug in this journal page that actually has a pretty nice seal.  I tested it this morning and it kept the coffee super hot for a long time.

I will keep this coffee mug as a reminder to take care of myself, to say yes to fun from time to time and to keep myself at the top of my priority list. Self care is the best gift we can give ourselves and our families. ❤️

Thankful for friends that care about me, that want me to have a good time in the midsts of my life’s ups and downs and don’t take no for an answer when I’m starting to doubt myself about whether I should go out or not. 

Today is another leisure day at our house.  Well, kind of! 😃I made a big breakfast for everyone, Bella left bright and early for her biweekly mission trip meeting at church, and later this afternoon we are going to a musical, Seussical the Musical, can’t wait!  Tonight, it’s church time and then a planning meeting at a nearby coffee shop for Bella’s Girl Scouts Senior Year.  It doesn’t sound like too much leisure when I put it like that ha, but when you have time to relax, watch a movie and maybe even squeeze in a nap in between things, it’s screams leisure in our crazy, busy world! 

Sunday blessings to all! ❤️☕️

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Saturday, November 2, 2019

I have truly been called ALL these names on my coffee mug today by my kids since I’ve been a mother, especially by my eldest.  She always seems to find a funny, creative or attention catching way of addressing me depending on the situation.  And on her phone contacts she has me as “Kris” for Kris Kardashian, at, ay, ay silly girl!  

Yesterday, I was simply “mom”.  Michelle spent the majority of the day in a hospital 824 miles away from me, away from us.  She might be 21 years old but she’s still my baby when something unpleasant happens to her and my instinct will always be to protect her, no matter how old she is.

She’s been dealing with a bad migraine for over a week and yesterday it got to be scary enough for me migraine sufferer expert to say, you need to seek professional help. She went to the nearest Immediate Care Center and after doing a few tests (she had many other scary symptoms), they decided to send her to the ER, which I had suggested she did in the first place, but I wont go there today, well, maybe a little.  I am no doctor but based on all my own personal medical experience and the symptoms she had been presenting I knew there was very little the immediate care center could’ve done, and the ER is equipped with the proper diagnosis and treatment plan.  Ok, now that I’ve gotten that out out my chest, I can move on... 😉

After being evaluated she was treated for a severe migraine and given two rounds of IV treatments.  She was released from the hospital after 7 pm. and then took a Lyft home and ordered something to eat after a long day of hospitals, doctors and pokes. She’s feeling better but still in a good deal of pain.  Migraines SUCK there is just no other way to put it, they are debilitating, anguish provoking and one of the most awful creeping forms of pain.  No one could ever understand what a severe migraine feels like unless they’ve gone through it.  It makes me sad that she most likely she inherited that from me ☹️ but nothing that could have been done about it. 

After all the back answer d forth yesterday and making sure she was were she was supposed to be, and getting the help she needed while working two jobs and being hundreds of miles away from her, wasn’t easy but we made it! I feel a little spent today from all the energy I used yesterday to get through the day, but I have today to recover.

Speaking of today, Stan and I went to bed last night talking about the fact that neither him or I or Bella have ANY commitments this Saturday morning... miracle!!! I woke up closer to 10 am, Stan I’m sure was up at least two hours before ha, and Bella is still sleeping.  I am sure she will make an appearance once she starts smelling the bacon, yum!

Today, I’m especially thankful for the army of angels in the form of friends that helped Michelle get through her ordeal yesterday.  They all took turns keeping her company and one of her teachers even sent her treats to cheer her up.  No doubt unpleasant moments feel lighter when we feel loved. Very thankful for those moments of grace in our lives. ❤️

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Friday, November 1, 2019

We know we can give thanks every day of the year, but since November is the “official” month of giving thanks I like this month a little more.  For me, it’s also the pause month between crazy October and frenzy December, a month to recharge, meditate a little and sit back to enjoy the beauty of a new season. 

Funny thing is this morning while I was looking for something to read while I ate breakfast, I picked a book from my nightstand that was sitting in a small pile of books.  I opened it to a random page (I always do that when I’m looking for wisdom, I feel the universe speaks to us that way, I know I’m a little weird, I like myself that way! 😉), and the page it opened to read “Allow your loved ones to help you.  It is good to be independent, but relationships are about give and take.”

I’d like to think that I would do anything for anyone that needs my help, that is our purpose in life, but I am not so good about asking for help.  Yesterday, I experienced a few unexpected issues that threw my day off a little and obligated me to alter my already planned schedule for the day.  I had three friends reach out and offer their help and told me to never hesitate to go to them if I ever need their help. I know their offer was sincere and I will definitely keep that in mind.  It takes a lot for me to make a phone call or send a text to say “hey, I have a situation and I need your help, can you...” but just as I love doing that for others, I will allow others to be present to me as well.  A circle of life, a circle of love. 

On this first day of November, I am thankful for the angels that walk this earth and show up in our lives in the form of friends, coworkers and neighbors.  Our family has been blessed with loving, helping hands throughout the years and that is one of the biggest gifts I will forever keep close to my heart.

Happy November, make someone smile today! ❤️

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Thursday, October 31, 2019

The ground is covered with fluffy snow, how timely Chicago weather! 😉👻

Because I don’t seem to have a whole lot of free time lately, pumpkin washing, and Halloween decorating (the very little I do - not into Halloween that much, sorry! 😁), was done this morning, at 6:00 am, while we were getting ready for a full school and work day.  

Imagine this: Bella rushing around trying to get her lunch together, looking for a button up white dress shirt for her costume which I insisted she’d get or look for yesterday, and barely making the bus wearing summer shoes walking on a very snowy ground, ay!!! Sometimes, I just have to take a deep breath and just keep swimming... Stan on the other hand, was oh so busy, washing our pumpkins which were covered with dirt from the pumpkin farm, and getting them all nice and clean for an indoor display, not quite ready to feast the squirrels yet, I want to enjoy them first! 😉Meanwhile, I swept and mopped the kitchen floor and put laundry away.  Thankfully all team work efforts worked out and we are ready to start our day!!! 

Both Michelle and Bella are still into dressing up for Halloween which I kind of like actually.  Michelle was some kind of singer/performer, Billie something or other I have no clue to be honest, but according to Bella she “nailed!” her costume! 😉Bella is Harry Potter or a version of it at least... IF she finds a button up whit shirt by tonight that is! Ha! 

Loving these mom moments of a busy household and excitement and all the fun (and not so fun) things that are part of this adventure called parenthood!

I hope you all have a fun day however you choose (or not) celebrate today! Happy Halloween! 🎃

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Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Today is my late start day at work which I’m really starting to love.  Not sure I want this to be a permanent situation, but for right now it’s working.

Last night I went to bed with the idea of waking up early and tackling a bunch of projects that have been hanging over my head for the past few weeks, one of them being cleaning the house and organizing my pantry, instead I talked with a friend through text for an entire hour about our kids, College life, college applications, and mom life in general.  I’m very thankful for that trade today!  

It’s refreshing to have someone in your corner of the world that you can be your true self and share honest thoughts with about life.  I think I’m an outgoing person and even though it seems like I share a lot on this platform, I am very guarded when it comes to my personal life, so I value true and honest conversations a whole lot more. 

The journey of being a parent... ahhh, the most mysterious journey, the most challenging, most exhausting at times but yet, the most rewarding.  I’ve had all that and more in my journey as a mother.  Mystery, challenge, exhaustion, fear, unmeasurable love, and reward. Some of these I expected, but most of them came unannounced and at random moments and I’d like to think than in most cases I’ve handled the majority of them with grace, except for the few times when I had to leave the house, get in the car, roll down the windows on my way to nowhere and pray in a form of a roar with tears rolling down my face so nobody could hear or see and then peacefully come back home later on to face “the next” with a smile on my face, a hug for those who gave me all those feelings and an attitude of “I can do this!” 

I am slowly learning to enjoy the many moments of joy that keep appearing at our feet.  The big kid finally thriving in a world and place she’s imagined for as long as I can remember, and the little, working fiercely towards her own dreams, her passion and dedication for what she does amazes me, and her spirituality inspires me.

Enjoying one moment at a time, one day at a time. ❤️❤️

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Tuesday, October 29, 2019

I have a late start today which means I gave myself the opportunity to sleep in, I pushed away my to do list (which is miles long) for just one day... I need rest, I need to nurse a head cold I got over the weekend and simply take care of myself.  Running all the time doesn’t do me any good.

Yesterday at work I developed a bad rash on my hand first and then my arm. Wait, maybe I AM allergic to work after all since it was my first day back after a two week vacation! 😂

I washed my hands with a new fancy soap I found in the bathroom at the office and almost immediately I developed that rash, I’m thinking it was the perfume in that soap. See, I’m not a fancy gal, fancy things give me rashes! 😉

I took Benadryl and submerged myself in cortisone lotion before I went to bed, oh how lovely that sleep was! Wish I could say it’s a lot better today, but it’s still pretty much there. I don’t like dealing with the “unexpected”.  Let’s pray this goes away soon, staying away from fancy soaps from now on.  Perfumes and I have never gotten along, they give me migraines and now rashes, I’m staying simple, works better for me! 

Yesterday, a friend and I stopped at Goebbert’s Farm one last time this season to simply have lunch and pick up a couple of pumpkins.  This was my 17th year working there and as silly as it sounds, it feels like a second home to me now.  I know many areas of that place like the palm of my hand and I’ve learned to love the owners and the people that work there like family.  It truly is one of the most welcoming places to visit and I am a fierce witness of the love, dedication and care behind everything they do.  Before I left the cafe yesterday, I said goodbye to a friend that has been my boss at Goebbert’s during all these years and we both got a little emotional.  She’s watched my girls grow up, she’s employed them and given them opportunities to work and grow and has seen them go off to College to do bigger things.  A sentimental moment that was most welcomed! ❤️

Even though I didn’t work as many days there this year due to a previous commitment with my part time job, I’m glad I chose to work the few days I did work.  October was certainly a busy, hard working month for me, but incredibly rewarding and I am very thankful. ❤️

Yesterday, Bella had her Senior year pictures taken for the yearbook and also her 2020 cap and gown pictures, it feels so surreal.  Tonight, we have her Senior year NHS induction at her High School and tomorrow it’s Tennis recognition night.  I am so proud of this kid and all her accomplishments and hard work. 

Off to work soon, I have so much catching up to do after being gone for two full weeks, but I do love my job and what I do.  Good day everyone! ❤️☕️

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Monday, October 28, 2019

I was planning on making me a healthy breakfast this morning but then I found apple cider donuts from the pumpkin patch on the kitchen counter that Stan and Bella brought yesterday, and oh well, I just had to have one! 🙊The Fall season will be over before we know it and for now, I will fully enjoy this yummy treat! 

Today I go back to work after a glorious two weeks vacation.  In all honesty, I feel more tired now that I did before taking the time off, but it’s because my aunt and I did SO much and were constantly on the go but I don’t have one single regret, we took advantage of every single minute that we spent together.

Speaking of tired, I had the most bizarre dreams last night.  People I haven’t seen in a while appeared in my dream and not in the most pleasant of ways.  I also developed a migraine overnight which forced me out of bed to look for my prescription. Well, no wonder I’m tired this morning, weird dreams, unpleasant stories in such dreams, migraine and restless night, duh now I know!  Let’s hope tonight it’s a better night, I might drink some chamomile tea before I go to sleep! 🍵 

I’m exited to be going back to work actually, hopefully my email inbox has not reached it’s capacity.

Good day everyone, make it a good one!!! ❤️

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Sunday, October 27, 2019

Not feeling the great today. Bad migraine, head cold and just poopy overall.  I have a late start at work today and praying my medicine does the trick by then so I can tackle the rest of the day.  In the meantime, I’m cozied up on the coach, drinking my coffee, having a sweet treat my aunt Martina brought me from Mexico and finishing up a movie we started on Prime last night. 

Speaking of last night, we had family movie night with pizza and all, and it was great! Family movie night seems to be getting smaller and more sporadic as the kids grow up and move out of the house, pretty soon we’ll have to plan them for when they come to visit and are on break from school, but life is all about adjusting to the change, after al, change is good, change is very good, it means life it’s giving us an opportunity to transition and witness that change, awesome blessing! ❤️

I really want to meal prep tonight for the week but I guess I’ll have to see how that goes.  I’ll keep you posted! 😉

Happy Sunday! ☀️☕️

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Saturday, October 26, 2019

It’s 8:00 am and I’m sitting here drinking my coffee reflecting on the gift that Stan is in my life.  Stan is not only my life partner but also the person I trust most, the one I rely on, and the one who supports me no matter what and makes me laugh so hard almost on a daily basis until my voice gets hoarse and my rib cage hurts! 

Our family home is simple.  We are not complicated people or in search of big, milestone moments on a day to day basis. 

The past two weeks made me think even deeper about the meaning of life, the value of family and those who really have our best interest at hand and most importantly the gift of simplicity!!!

For two weeks I really concentrated on quality time with my aunt, I didn’t really even look at my phone often unless it was to take a picture (or two or three...) and be reachable to Stan and the girls and I loved it and I also realized that I didn’t need all the other “noise” caused by social media or unimportant and unrelated stuff I pay attention to when not focused on the things that matter.  I love the way life gifts us with moments of wisdom.  

I am ready to live a more intentional life focused on the people and things that bring true meaning to my life.  Life is nothing but a brief dash, a temporary layover and we must keep that in mind to appreciate it fully while on this early journey of ours. ❤️

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Friday, October 25, 2019

If you have been following along during the last couple of weeks you know I’ve been fully enjoying my aunt’s visit to Chicago. 

Today was the day to say goodbye, a bittersweet goodbye for sure because we had an amazing time together but I’m also already missing her.  Goodbyes are never fun but I am thankful for the opportunity we had to spend these days together and create so many amazing memories. 

We did SO much!!! Maybe when I recover from the thousand things we did 😂, I’ll write a summary of our vacation together. 

For now, I’ll take a nap so I can rest for a couple of hours before resuming my regular work schedule. 

Life is a little sweeter when we spend it with people we love! ❤️

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Thursday, October 24, 2019

Can somebody please tell me what day it is today? 🤔😂

My aunt and I have been having so much fun and doing SO much the last two weeks that I lost track of time.  I literally had to look at my calendar today to find out what day of the month it was.

Today, we explored my hometown, went out for lunch, grocery shopping for a homemade dinner tonight and then some souvenir shopping for my parents.  

I was supposed to be going back to work tomorrow to my two jobs, but no can do, I was lucky enough to take the day off tomorrow for my church job so I can rest during the day and I’m only working my evening job at the funeral home.  A few hours of rest in the morning will do me a lot of good to start the weekend on the right track. 

Very thankful for all these moments shared and now I’m really missing my parents, I wish I could go back with my aunt so I can hug my parents.  I will have to work on that for the near future. ❤️

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Wednesday, October 23, 2019

The sun was shining this morning and my aunt and I sat on the porch to take the first few sips of our coffee.  She has been admiring this beautiful season of Fall here in Chicago and the beauty that surrounds my beloved porch.  

Daisy kept us company this morning while we talked and made plans for the day.  

Today, we will be visiting Chicago’s Botanic Garden and the Baha’i Temple to name a few.  I am beyond thrilled to introduce her to two of my very favorite Chicago gems in my opinion. 

This trip has been one for our memory book.  So many beautiful sightings, so many heartwarming conversations and so much love.  Taking in every moment and keeping it close to my heart. ❤️☕️

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Tuesday, October 22, 2019

My aunt and I arrived from New York City around 1:30 pm today, by the time we walked in the house it was closer to 3:00 pm!  We had something to eat, showered and got ready for Bella’s orchestra concert at school.  The past few days have really been a whirlwind of activities and opportunities and I have loved every minute of it. 

I had my first cup of coffee of the day on the train home around 1:30 pm, so late for a first cup of coffee in my corner of the world, and it tasted so good!

Tonight we had an unexpected melancholic conversation after the concert.  Bella had gone to sleep already and my aunt, Stan and I stayed up in the kitchen talking.  He started looking at some of the pictures I took while in NYC these past few days and Stan asked if I thought Michelle would ever come back home.  He started tearing up at the realization of her new life and sincerely, it broke my heart.  Yes, we are extremely happy for her new found happiness and life, but our children will always have a special place in our hears.  Then, Stan mentioned that during the concert tonight , it made him very sentimental realizing that this concert is one of those “lasts”, that Bella too will soon spread her wings and choose her own path.  Our family dynamics seem to be changing quite quickly, the life we built together is not what it used to be and the ordinary moments are becoming extraordinary as the girls get older and grow into young adults.

Who said this would be easy, right?  One thing we know for sure is that we will always have each other’s love and support and no matter the distance for as long as we are together on this earthly journey, the love we’ve shared as a family will only get stronger with time. 

I don’t even know how we went from admiring the Autumn views on the train, to admiring a Symphony piece at the concert to crying at the kitchen table.  I guess you can say, we wear our hearts on our sleeves. 😊❤️ 

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Monday, October 21, 2019

Today was such an amazing day.  We started the day with breakfast at the hotel, and a cup of coffee of course! 

After breakfast we went to Central Park, my favorite New York stop - it’s so breathtaking there - and then we made our way to St.  Patrick’s Cathedral.

Before we left to go back to Chicago we stopped at my second favorite New York park, Bryant Park, I am SO in love with that park. There we had brunch at wafels and dinges and another cup of coffee.  The weather was absolutely perfect, the views were even better, but my favorite part of visiting that park was that I got to see and hug my big girl again! Pure New York bliss!

Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting two of Michelle’s best friends from school, names I hear about all the time when we talk.  It was so nice to connect the names with their faces and they are as lovely, gracious and welcoming as Michelle had described them.  For so long I ached at the thought of Michelle struggling to find her place in the world, a place where her heart and soul belonged and surrounded with people that get her all around and appreciate her gifts, and I left New York City today feeling like she’s accomplished all that and a little more.  

Michelle is so confident in the way she goes about her new life, in what she’s doing and navigating in a new city as if she had been born and raised there.  That alone to me is refreshing, rewarding and assuring. 

I know one day the universe will gift her with an abundance of opportunities to be who she was born to be. ❤️

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Sunday, October 20, 2019

A 12+ hour day touring New York City doing all the touristy things, introducing my aunt to the Statue of Liberty and meeting my daughter’s College friends were the highlights of the day.  

It’s been a really fun trip so far learning so much about this beautiful city and it’s history.  

Today it started raining around 2:30 pm, right after we got off the ferry for the Statue of Liberty tour, we got very lucky!  After the tour we met Michelle at a really cute coffee shop in East Village and then walked to another favorite local pizza restaurant to meet Michelle’s friends. 

We just got back to the hotel, tired but immensely happy about all the experiences.   Tomorrow we are hoping to see two parks before we head back to Chicago. 

This trip should be called “Me, My Aunt and A Cup of Coffee!” So many stories, so many memories... loving every minute. ❤️☕️

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Saturday, October 19, 2019

It’s almost 11 pm and my daughter just left my hotel room in NYC to go home.  As I saw her get on her cab tonight I felt this strange feeling of letting go.  I wanted to cry, but I quickly realized this moment of letting go was a good moment.

For the first since she moved out of our home to go away to College almost four years ago, her “moving out” feels real.  A real moment in our lives living hundreds of miles away from each other, making her own path and finding true happiness and self discovery in a city she loves and doing what she absolutely feels passionate about.

The other day she shared with me that she’s never felt more certain of anything in her life than doing what she’s doing right now training at her school and building the life she wants for herself.  A true moment of happiness for me as a mom.

It’s almost 11 pm and I’m sipping the last few drops of my latte from the coffee shop across the street from the hotel. 

Today was an amazing day in more than one way and I feel very thankful for every shared moment. ❤️☕️

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Friday, October 18, 2019

Drinking my coffee in lounge car of the train, looking out the window and taking in the views.

It looks like a beautiful day out, the skies have a shade of pink and the trees are screaming Fall. I love feeling the train in motion admiring the beauty of nature as we ride through many different landscapes.

We are almost by Buffalo, NY a quick stop. Next stop is Syracuse, my favorite stop because we can get off for a short visit and visit the train’s oasis and look over the city from the overpass.  The train’s attendant just made an announcement a few minutes ago about that stop and you can feel the excitement in the air. 

I just looked out the window again as I sipped more coffee and the Autumn views are breathtaking. Thankful, thankful for this opportunity. 🍂❤️☕️

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Thursday, October 17, 2019

What a day it has been!!! No time for my morning reflections coffee in hand but I have been fully enjoying the memories I’m making with my aunt.

Today, my aunt, my cousin and I tried a new breakfast place in town, and then visited the pumpkin patch.  My aunt had never been to a pumpkin patch and it was truly wonderful to see how joyful she was in that place. 

We are now on a train to New York City to visit my oldest daughter and explore the city that never sleeps.  Another first one for my aunt and I can already see her face when we arrive, this is so great! 

So very thankful for these days of togetherness and conversation (can’t say rest because we haven’t stopped 😬) but we have been fully taking advantage of our free time every day and now we get to rest on the train.

Sweet dreams, see you in the Big Apple! ❤️

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Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Oh what a night! 🎶

My first cup of coffee wasn’t photographed, but my second one was! 😉

I went downtown today with my aunt and my cousin who is visiting from California. We spent the day sightseeing, walking what it seemed like 1,000 miles, ate all the Chicago foods including deep dish pizza and garrett’s popcorn and took way too many pictures. 

It’s great to get a little taste from my hometown with their visit.  Today was pretty extraordinary and the moments spent (every one of them) will leave an imprint in my heart forever.  

We are on the train now on the way back home, our feet are really tired, but our smiles are bigger than when we left this morning.

Let’s see what tomorrow will bring! ❤️

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Tuesday, October 15, 2019

A few moments of solitude before the hustle and bustle of the day does immense good to our souls.

My aunt was asking me this morning “for how long have you been having these moments of quiet for yourself in the mornings?” I said to her, for as long as I can remember.

My busy life of motherhood and wifehood and all the hoods I’ve been journeying during all these years of my life, have almost “demanded” these moments of solitude for myself.  I think that if I didn’t have them or made time for them, my outlook of look would’ve been a whole lot different. 

Coffee, silence, my thoughts and myself is usually all I need to start the day on a good note. ❤️

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Monday, October 14, 2019

It’s a gorgeous day, the sun is shinning and it’s also the perfect level of Fall coolness in the air.

My aunt and I went to bed pretty late into the night last night chatting and laughing after trying a local Polish restaurant, which she loved, and then going to an evening Fall festival.  Trying to do all the things we don’t have in Mexico.

We have a FULL week of activities planned out and I am so looking forward to it.

For now, I’m enjoying a cup of coffee with an apple cider donut from Goebberts and it’s delicious!!! 

Happy Monday!!! ❤️☕️☀️

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Sunday, October 13, 2019

This morning I woke up feeling like I had been in one of the best dreams overnight.  Is my aunt really here? Did she really come or did I just have a dream about it? Well, she’s really, REALLY here, sleeping across my bedroom and my heart is beyond happy!!!

She arrived early evening last night and I think we talked nonstop for six hours straight until we both decided it was time to go to sleep, we were exhausted from not only the day but the whole week in preparation for this trip.

She had to take care of a lot of things back home with work, her home, errands, etc, before coming here and I had to do the same at work to be able to take the time off, but now we are reaping the fruits of that labor. 😊

My aunt was married to my mom’s younger brother (who sadly left his earthly journey unexpectedly almost four years ago) for over three decades.  She was my person in my teen years and young adult years.  She’s the one I went to whenever I felt like life was pushing me down.  She was not only my aunt, but also my cheerleader, my advisor, the best listener I could have at the moment and my friend.  Life was always a little better when I could walk to her house, sit at her kitchen table, have a cup of coffee and talk with her. 

Excited for the next two weeks of togetherness, adventures and simply bliss. ❤️

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Saturday, October 12, 2019

Yesterday was a less than desirable day.  I woke energized and ready to tackle the day and then the worst possible migraine showed up and said “did you say you were going somewhere? Think again... go to bed my friend.” 

The barometric pressure is the BIGGEST and I can almost say now after starting my gluten free diet, that it’s the only culprit for my migraines.  Now that I don’t get migraines as often as I used to; they take me down like no other.  It’s one of the most debilitating pains because it takes over your entire body.  But enough of that, it’s a new day, a new start.

My aunt arrives from Mexico today to visit and I am so excited I could scream, but I won’t! 😉We have many, many plans and I’m super excited to show her our city, a city that I have learned to love and has become my home.

I’m having a few moments by myself before the hustle and bustle of the day; drinking a cup of cafe latte and a toasted gluten free bun with sliced tomatoes with a pinch of salt and pepper, yum!!!

I hope your day is as fabulous as the sun coming our way! ☀️❤️

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Friday, October 11, 2019

It’s almost a perfect day for me today!!! And by “almost”, I mean, I have a few chores to do and I have to work tonight, but I am off from job #1 and I can sit on the porch until my heart desires to be with myself... I love my company, what can I say! 🤷‍♀️😊

It’s 63 degrees outside this morning and it’s raining, the steady, heavy and peaceful rain you’d like on a day off.  The porch had all the signs of a rainy morning when I walked out this morning cup of coffee in hand.  All of Stan’s beautiful potted flowers that sit on the porch have rain drops and I feel like they are just as happy as I am right now.

Look at this beauty below.  If you zoom in you can almost feel the raindrops.

Starting today I will be off for two weeks from my full time job... TWO weeks!!! I am so happy about it I could almost cry but I won’t, I’d rather keep smiling! ☺️

My aunt is visiting us from Mexico for two weeks to celebrate her 60th birthday, and I am beyond thankful that she chose to spend that time with us.  We’ve always been super close and the long distance has left a big void in our lives not being able to be physically present for each other.  We have lots of catching up to do! 

It just started raining a little heavier, still calm and peaceful rain, and the air smells of Fall and snuggles now.  Maybe I’ll make some breakfast, that’s always a good idea.

Feeling immensely blessed by all the serendipity moments of joy in my life, and the ones I’ve worked a little harder for.  ❤️

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Thursday, October 10, 2019

I had my first cup of coffee of the day (I usually have two 🙈) at work this morning.  I have a super full day with a huge to do list.  

I’m going to be off from work for two weeks starting tomorrow and I have endless projects and things to do before I can be off those days.

Last night after doing all the household chores of the day - a Walgreens stop, dish washing, meal prepping for today’s meals, some floor sweeping and laundry put away - tired and all, for a second I thought “wow, I don’t think I’ve ever been this busy in my life, I just don’t seem to have enough hours in the day to get everything done.”  And then just as quickly as those words came to mind, another thought came “this is awesome! I love all these opportunities and this busy lifestyle won’t last a lifetime so I might as well enjoy it now.” Yes, I feel truly joyful for all the things I get to do now and opportunities I have in my life right now.  

I do love staying busy, having new projects come together day in and day out, but I am also really looking forward to the few days of rest coming my way this month.

My feet are tired, but my soul is wide awake! ❤️

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Wednesday, October 9, 2019

During moments in life when you are going through a difficult situation (I’m talking loss of a job, financial hardship, relationship -any type- issues, and things of that nature), do you immediately think the worst possible outcome and scenario of that situation or do you think “yes, this is hard, this is really hard but maybe this is opening new opportunities to a better job, more meaningful relationships, and a better, more joyful life.”

I think life has an amazing way of clearing the path for us, of making us stronger when we are experiencing hardship and helping us appreciate at a greater scale the job opportunities and financial stability after suffering a job loss, and valuing the people that stick by us when we are going through change, ANY type of change.

If a job was lost, another one will come, pray, keep the faith, it will happen.

If paying bills and making ends meet is terrifying at the moment, remember everything is temporary, take one day at a time and stay focused on more prosperous days ahead.

If people are stepping out of your life because they don’t agree with the way you are leading your life; because they are envious or simply don’t understand your new path, it’s ok, life goes on, choose those who choose YOU. 

Yesterday I read something that made me think about what I’m writing about today.  I have a few dear, dear people very close to my heart that have gone through a great deal of hardship lately (including family members), and besides from lifting them up in prayer every single day and hour of the day, I remind them that things will change for the better eventually even if it sounds impossible at the moment and life WILL feel lighter one day.  We need to keep the faith and stay focused on our goals. 

Yesterday I read a great quote by Mary Tyler Moore that says “you can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.” So true!!! ❤️

I can certainly give testimony about the meaning of that quote.  Hardship and disappointment has definitely taught me amazing life lessons about the value of hard work, appreciation for financial stability and the gift of true friendships.  

There is so much to be grateful for even when things are not going our way.  The promise of a new sunrise and a new tomorrow is one of the greatest gifts we can enjoy in this amazing earthly life journey of ours. ❤️

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Tuesday, October 8, 2019

I went to the gym today for the first time since I was a Senior in High School when my friend and I were attempting to get in shape for a spring break trip to the beach with friends! 😂

Well, I’m in a little bit of a shock, big shock to be honest.  Today I discovered that I have ZERO endurance for any type of exercise and that was a pretty frightening discovery.  I go on walks often, eat all the healthy things (on most days), but I never do any cardio exercises.  

Today at they gym, I did the stair master first because that is always my biggest struggle when I go up a flight of stairs at department stores or train stations or any public places and I always end up feeling extremely out of breath and winded.  Let’s just say I didn’t last long on the stair master machine at all, maybe a couple of minutes that felt like an eternity and my heart felt like it was going to come out of my chest, awful feeling!  If I were to be chased down by a stranger at this point (you know, it’s good to contemplate all scenarios 😉 ) I’d have no chances at all, unless my adrenaline really kicked in. Really gotta work on that, because nobody is catching me! 🏃‍♀️

After I tried the stair master I took a little break and tried the elliptical machine.  Not much luck there either but I did one mile with multiple breaks also feeling like I couldn’t go for one more second every time.  I did a couple other machines after that for a very short time and then decided to call it a day.  I guess I’m just in shock about my physical shape in general, boo!

Every day I come up with new excuses to NOT exercise.  In my defense (see, another excuse coming up!), I don’t have time to work out and when I do have time to spare after work, I want to sleep, get things done at home or just relax.

Today was very eye opening for me and it made me realize how important heart health is.  I am hoping I can work myself up to exercising for 30 minutes continuously without feeling out of breath or like I’m about to pass out. 

Before I went to bed last night I said “well, let’s see if I can get up early enough tomorrow morning to go to the gym and exercise.” Bella looked at me and said “mom, you just HAVE to do it! You have to make a plan, be intentional about that goal and do it! It won’t get done if you don’t go out and try.” 

Today, I did it for Bella!  Tomorrow and the days after, I’m doing it for myself!!! 

My alarm clock went off at 5:15 am this morning so I could make it to the gym before the usual running around of the day.  Here is to hoping I can stay true to my promise of living a more fit and healthier life! 💪🏻❤️

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Monday, October 7, 2019

Yesterday was a pretty good day! I worked a lot but I was happy, it was my weekend to work at the pumpkin farm, how more fun of a job can that be, right?!

It was a perfect Fall day!!! The weather was in the high 60’s, low 70’s all day, the sun was shinning, people coming to the café to buy treats for their family day were exuding joy and happiness and that made me happy too.

Every guest seemed to be in a good place yesterday, everyone was so nice and pleasant (there are days and there are days 😉), but yesterday it was a perfect combination of good weather, Fall everything and happy people, but ask me how many times I said “thank you so much, have a great day!” yesterday? TOO many to count! It was coming out of me like bless you’s come when someone sneezes! 😃 I also saw a few people I know, that’s always nice to see familiar faces and give a few hugs here and there.  

Then I went home after a full of work and called my parents whom I hadn’t talked to for at least ten days and it was affecting me in every level.  My phone hasn’t been working properly and the app I use to call long distance had to be deleted.  Well, I am a woman that resources just about everything pretty much and enough was enough and I put my imagination to good use and bought a good old calling card, you know, the ones where you have to scratch off a code in the back, then dial a number to be directed to another line where you can enter such code and thennnn dial the number of the person you are trying to reach.  I also had to use Bella’s phone because mine has been of no good use lately, blah... hopefully that can be resolved soon.  

The anticipation and all that work was WELL worth it and when my mom answered the phone at the other end of the line not anticipating my call you would’ve thought it was Christmas Day and Santa Claus was at the receiving end, ha! It was the cutest thing ever! I had the phone on speaker phone when I dialed because I wanted to make sure the whole process was working and my mom’s excitement when she heard my voice made Bella’s and Stan’s heads turn and smile the biggest smiles!  Yes, my mom has always been the biggest enthusiast and radiating light of love that has ever existed I’m pretty sure! 

I never heard a “why haven’t you called in so long?” “Where have you been?” None of that! Her words were of love, of affirmation and of prayer for all of us.  That is my mother. ❤️

I also had the opportunity to speak to my father who is the very opposite of my mother. 😃 They really couldn’t be more different from each other, but I love them both nonetheless.  Talking to my dad made me a little sad because he’s aging rapidly and the saddest thing is that he’s very aware of his limitations.  He will be 83 years old in a few days but he has been having a very hard time walking, he has to use a cane now when he walks, he gets dizzy easily and looses balance and the saddest thing I think, it’s his loss of vision.  He can no longer read as he used to.  He was an avid reader his entire life, I never knew my father without a book in his hands.  When I was talking to him last night and giving him ideas on things he could do to keep himself busy and happy I suggested reading not knowing the extend of his visual limitations and he said “I’ve read all the books in the course of my life, I am a happy man that way.” That made me smile. Something I’ve always known him for, he was affirming in a very joyful way. My dad is not a very joyful person, so this meant a lot to me! Before we hung up he said “I think I’ll get up and have a cup of coffee.” I know hearing my voice made him happy!

I am thankful for the gift of seeing my parents age and talk to them even through their trials and limitations due to aging.  I feel BLESSED every time I hear their voices at the other end of the line.  I just wish I could spend a little more time seeing them in person, hugging them, having a cup of coffee with them, taking them on errands, taking them out to lunch, the ordinary things that make life extraordinary.

Counting the sleeps until I can see them and hug them again. ❤️

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Sunday, October 6, 2019

I pray a lot for my children, lately for one of them in particular.  I pray for them in word and in thought.

This morning I woke up thinking about a time our family was at church and right after communion Michelle leaned over and whispered to me “do you pray for me?” and I said to her “I will tell you what grandma always tells me. ‘You are my first thought of the day, and the last thought before I go to sleep, you are always my prayer.’”

Praying for our children have transformative and healing powers for us as well.  When we pray for them not only are we supporting them spiritually, but it reassures us and gives us strengths as parents to keep going with faith and joy.  When I pray for them, I also think of it this way.  Praying for our children is like asking all the aunts and uncles and our best friends to protect our children, only this time those aunts and uncles and friends are holy people that intercede for them, for us. 

How many times how we heard “you worry more about your children the older they get.” I never wanted to believe that. I thought infant years, and toddler years and even tween years were the hardest... I guess they are in that moment, but the truth of the matter is, no matter how old our children are, they will always be our babies and we will always want to protect them and want the absolute best for them, in every way possible.

"Our part is to begin the work with our children.  In the end, that's all we can do.  Then we must let go, say a prayer, and trust the universe -and all the angels- to hold them" Denise Roy

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Saturday, October 5, 2019

I had some crazy dreams last night.  I was overthinking and overanalyzing certain behaviors and situations before I went to sleep last night and voila they all came together in my dream, it almost felt as if they were all in front of me in the flesh, except I was sleeping AND I should’ve been resting, but I was not because I was restless in my dream trying to understand the why’s of certain behaviors.

WHY do we worry so much about people and situations? Well, maybe not you, but I do from time to time.

This morning I woke up and I couldn’t stop thinking about the dream and how (IN the dream) I over analyzed the situation in front of me.  It wasn’t even a situation, it was a display of actions mainly, but it helped me make a commitment with myself the moment my feet touch the ground this morning to try to learn to look pass insignificant things that bother me and focus on myself, and the good around me which is lovely and amazing. 

On that note, I will share a super incredible experience I had lately. I’ve been trying to write something about it but no tiempo. 😉

Have a lovely Saturday! Do something you love today! ❤️

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Friday, October 4, 2019

Yesterday I missed my mom a lot during the day, I missed her so much it almost hurt.  Distance and separation from my parents and brothers for over two decades has definitely been one of my biggest trials.  Some days are harder than others and the older I get, the older my parents get, the more I realize all the time we’ve lost without constant touch, life is interesting sometimes.  If I had a magic wand, I would’ve liked my current family of four, parents and brothers living within a few miles of each other, but that wasn’t in the plan.  It’s ok, I’m still extremely thankful for the life I’ve made here with Stan and the girls and the opportunities I’ve gotten to see my parents throughout the years. 

Last night Bella and I were having dinner together and she was passionately (when I say passionately, I mean Bella’s way of passionately 😃), about her Psychology class and how much she loves it!  She was making reference to the hippocampus function of the brain and using other terminology that has already escaped my mind.  She shared with me about a split brain behavioral experiment that was just fascinating and I was actually intrigued and captured by it.  I LOVE that she feels so energized and passionate about Psychology.  I actually started as a Psychology major in College but I ended up switching majors due to unforeseen circumstances, but anything related to that subject still fascinates me. 

It was 9:30 pm when we started eating last night, super long day, but we sat at the table and had dinner together nonetheless.  We always have the best conversations around the kitchen table.  If I were to be completely honest I have to say that during our conversation last night the following thoughts came to mind “I hope Bella doesn’t want to talk about this for too long”, “it’s almost 10 pm, I gotta go...” “I have to go to sleep soon... wash my face... brush my teeth... get at least 7 hours of sleep...etc...” then I had this vision of my mother (yes I did, it’s like all of a sudden her face manifested in front of me), and I pictured myself in that same scenario only 30+ years ago, sitting at my parents kitchen table, the same table we sat around for so many meals and so many conversations when I was younger.  My mom who has always been the epitome of love, compassion and patience would sit with us at ANY given time of the day or night and keep us company while we ate, listen to whatever it was we had to say (she’s always been a great listener), ask about our day, and not one time did she ever say “I’m tired, I think I’m going to go to bed, I love you, see you in the morning...”. My mother was always the last one out of the kitchen, the one who turned the lights off after everyone was happily tucked away in their rooms, she was the lock keeper.

Often times I resource to my memory bank in search of my mother’s wisdom.  Not only for wisdom to help me be a better parent, but for everything I do in life.  If I want to live a more prayerful life, I think of how she’s lived her life.  If I want to be a better mother, I remember the many times she has been an excellent mother to me, if I’m desperately looking for wisdom on how to be more patient and understanding with my family and people in general, it is her example I go to. 

Bella and I had an amazing conversation last night and I ended the day feeling extremely thankful for that opportunity and our time together.  Through the distance, my mother was right next to me last night, guiding me and offering advice on how to be a better, more patient parent.  I was the last person to leave the kitchen last night, the last person to turn lights off in the house and make sure Bella was happily tucked away before I went to bed, and I was also the lock keeper.

I really miss my mother. ❤️

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Thursday, October 3, 2019

Five years go today I lost my engagement ring.  

I will never forget that day.  Actually, I think I value it more than the day Stan proposed and gave me that ring.  

The week I lost my ring I had been experiencing health issues that were causing swelling in my hands.  The ring was putting a lot of pressure in my finger and in the spur of the moment I decided to take it off (something I never did before), and casually put it in a zippered pocket of my purse.  That pocket also had my checkbook and that day I had stopped to drop the girls off at ballet and had taken my checkbook out to make a payment.  Something I did many times, but never worrying about the ring.  Without my knowledge the ring went flying out, either in the car, the parking lot, the sidewalk, inside the studio... I will never know.  I looked frantically for hours to no avail. 

I remember almost shaking and sobbing as I texted Stan the terrible news.  I saved his text reply in my notes because I never wanted to forget his words.  In the most Stan way possible he said “Well, I will have to re-engage you, Lol!  Let's not loose ourselves too much to material things because we will loose our sanity and real life purpose. I love you." 

When I married Stan I knew I was marrying a great man, but I didn’t know I was married the perfect man for me.  

Stan and I have gone through a rainbow of experiences in our almost 24 years together as a married couple.  We’ve had plenty of ups and downs, some really hard things in our lives, other amazing experiences but most of all, we’ve had love and understanding for each other.

It is fair to say that our marriage has only gotten stronger through the years as we have journey together through the trials and joys of our married life.  

Stan brings love, compassion, humor, understanding and balance not only to me but to our little family of four, he is glue to our fanily.

After all, Stan was right, a ring is just a symbolic gesture of love and commitment.  All these years together have thought us the real meaning and purpose of marriage, of love and commitment to each other.  

Although I still miss my engagement ring and I quietly wish I’ll come across it one day, this experience taught me a great deal about life and marriage in general, and for that I am thankful.

Perhaps, he’ll propose again at our next wedding anniversary! Stay tuned! 😉💍

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Wednesday, October 2, 2019

I woke up at 10 am today!!! I don’t remember the last time I did that- but it felt glorious! It’s in the high 50’s right now and a little misty with the perfect dose of wind. I’m sitting on the porch enjoying it all while I sip my coffee.

Yesterday was an interesting day!  I met a friend for breakfast and aside from delicious food, I really loved the company of my friend and our conversation.  I laughed so hard in that 1+ hour we spent together that when I got in my car to go home I had a hoarse voice.  Love when that happens! 

After breakfast I made the impromptu decision of going to the Immediate Care Center to check out some issues that had been bothering me.  It was a two hour drive both ways and then there is the waiting time, and stoping at the pharmacy on the way home to get medicine... needless to say, I ended up taking a sick day from work and calling it a day.  It was time well spent though, health first. 

Today is International Day of Nonviolence and coincidentally the birthday of the great Indian Lawyer and World Leader Mahatma Gandhi.  

Gandhi wrote the prayer below before a trip to London to talk about the future of his country. 

"I am neither a man of letters, nor of Science, but I humbly claim to be a man of prayer. It is prayer that has saved my life. Without prayer I would have lost my reason a long time ago. I did not lose my peace of soul - in spite of many trials - because the peace came to me from prayer. One can live several days without food, but not without prayer. Prayer is the key to each morning, and the lock to every evening. This is my teaching: let everyone try this experience and they will find that daily prayer will add something new to their lives."

Prayer is powerful. ❤️

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Tuesday, October 1, 2019

“It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life... and I’m feeling good!” 🎶

Please tell me you sang those lyrics by Michael Bublé when you read them! 😉

It’s October, the first day of a new month!!! A whole new chapter of opportunities, startovers if we wish, new dreams, new goals, new ideas and a fresh new start.  I love the firsts of every month, it’s like a mini New Year! 

This is a very exciting month for me, I have a lot of things planned which includes a TWO week vacation and I am so excited! I don’t think I’ve ever needed a vacation as much as I need this one.  I’m excited for the moments of relaxation I will enjoy, the places I’ll get to visit and also, thrilled about seeing my big kid in the Big Apple! Fun stuff, and I can hardly wait! ❤️

Yesterday I met a dear friend of mine for dinner and on my way home from the restaurant I thought “how blessed am I to have friends that I can throw PLT’a and WTH’s with in the same conversation!” So awesome!!! My friend and I have been going through similar levels of hardship in our lives lately (not same situation necessarily) but same heaviness of the issues we’ve been dealing with for the past few months.  We have poured our hearts and souls and TRUSTED our most intimate ordeals, wishes and desires to each other.  I value her trust in me and I feel fortunate to have someone that I can openly be myself with someone as well.  Sometimes we need people in our lives that we can trust to be completely vulnerable with outside our small circle of family, in my case.  Although we might not have solved any world problems, we did enjoyed each other’s company very much and came up with new ideas to support each other. 

Thankful, thankful, thankful for the people in my corner that are always at my reach for when I need them.  No expectations, just love.  

Blessings for a wonderful and colorful October month! 🍂❤️

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Monday, September 30, 2019

A new day, a new week, new opportunities to be kind to others, mindful about our goals and joyful in the way we go through life.

It’s 67 degrees and sunny this morning, and after having days in the 50’s and lots of rain, it feels like I’m in the middle of the Amazon sitting outside but in the middle of Summer.  How quickly do we adjust to change of weather, amazing! Bring back Fall! 😉🍂

Yesterday I went to work late and I got off earlier than usual, how awesome is that? Being home two hours earlier than usual gave me an opportunity to have some time for myself at home before starting our work week all over again.  I had dinner, watched Netflix on the couch, and yeah... that’s it, it was great! 😃

I think I have mastered the art of self care.  Through the years, I have learned that if I don’t take care of me, my energy, my attitude towards life and those I love and pretty much everything I am as a person and what I do, can be affected dramatically.  My peace and balance in life are my priorities, if I feel good about who I am and where I stand, I can offer those gifts to the people I love.

On a random topic, I shared a video on my Facebook blog page today about kindness that sums up EVERYTHING we need to know about one of the most crucial things in life and my favorite subject of conversation always... kindness.  

“Looks don't matter. What does matter is the size of your heart and the strength of your character." Thanks Munster for the friendly reminder.

True then and even truer now. ❤️

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Sunday, September 29, 2019

Yesterday my youngest daughter had her High School’s Homecoming dance. It was a busy day of tennis, work, running around, getting ready for the dance and then seeing her take part of pictures with friends.  Little moments that turn into great memories to savor for a lifetime. 

This marked our 8th consecutive year of Homecoming dances.  Four years for Michelle, followed by four years for Bella.  Time is sure slipping though our fingers, and I’m trying to embrace every moment, even when I’m feeling tired or disappointed for whatever it is life throws our way. 

Bella looked beautiful as always but what I admire most about her is her inner beauty, the way she walks through life and how she stands tall and graceful in this journey of life.  I sure am super proud of being called Bella’s mom!!! ❤️

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Saturday, September 28, 2019

Oh what a night!!! 🎶 You know that song, right? Well, in my case it should go like “Oh what a morning this has been, la, la, la...” 

Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, they all feel the same to me these days but you know what, it’s all for good things!  Yes, I might be a little tired, and in need of some much well deserved R & R,  but I am beyond grateful for the busyness that occupies our time these days.   

Last night lights were shut off at midnight at home and they were back on as early at 5:30 A.M.  Bella had to be at the High School at 6:30 AM, and I went straight to the office to finish a few things that needed to get done for today.  Then it was a mad rush home, to hop in the shower and get ready for my weekend job.

Thankfully, I had a few minutes to spare between things to enjoy a cup of coffee, because coffee always saves my sanity.

Life blessings that come in the form of job opportunities, school activities and sports, good meals, health, love and friendship.  I am very grateful for all of these things. ❤️

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Friday, September 27, 2019

Less than 5 hours of sleep last night? No problem! Nothing a cup of coffee and Friday vibes can’t solve! ☕️

Busy schedules yesterday and excitement from the day, resulted in very late bedtimes for everyone at home, but we were all glowing.  It was a good kind of tired. 

The alarm went off at 5:00 am sharp!  Bella had to be at the High School super early and I decided to wake up at the same time as she did and get her breakfast and coffee.  Unexpected treats, are the best treats! 

I love my sleep but every time I wake up earlier and I have the opportunity to sit on the porch for as long as I want to take in the day and admire the beauty of the start of a new day, it’s soul food for me. 

No matter how busy Fridays might be for me sometimes, it’s still one of my favorite days of the week.  I feel accomplished for a work week well done, for all the waking ups and things that were done and even for the triumphs in the struggles.  I am thankful for carrying through day after day even while experiencing physical pain sometimes, and beyond excited at the prospect of a couple of days of rest over the weekend!  Ok, to be fair here, my weekends have been pretty busy lately, but they are still my days to be a little more carefree and have my family at home, eating meals together and spending time. 

Today I work at both jobs and if it doesn’t rain, I might go to Bella’s High School tonight to see her during the half time Homecoming court announcement.  It’s the little things that keep me smiling! 😊

Happy Friday!!! Make someone smile today! ❤️

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Thursday, September 26, 2019

My front porch morning coffee was just not possible today.  We had a pretty hectic day, all of us at home.  The alarm went off at 5:15 AM and from that moment on, it was run, run, run! 

Bella was part of her school’s Homecoming Court and today was Coronation.  She is this year’s Homecoming Attendant and that will always be one of the sweetest memories to have for years to come! I will share a picture tomorrow after I upload some from my phone.

I was part of a pretty special project today that I will share soon.  Something that completely took me out of my comfort zone, will be an experience that I will treasure forever. 

We all had a pretty awesome day at the Borla house, including Stan and the big kid in New York City and I cannot stop smiling!!! 

For now, I think I will put my feet up and finish my Iced Coffee. Today, I definitely “ran” on Dunkin! 😉☕️

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Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Back in my happy place, drinking my coffee, contemplating life and taking in all the blessings that surround me.  Thank heavens for sacred spaces that nurse us back to love. 

Yesterday I was every character in the Pixar movie “Inside Out”.  Our human bodies are so incredibly gifted and capable of so many emotions and transformation at the same time, I’m always amazed at the miracle. 

Yesterday was a hectic day, and I bounced from point A to point B like a profesional.  I was part of a super cool project in the afternoon and after that conference ended I drove to watch my daughter play tennis at an away game about 30 minutes from home.  

Even though she doesn’t like it when we watch her play because she says that it makes her nervous and self conscious, I still go from time to time because it’s not about how many times she wins or looses a game but about supporting her and seeing her be part of a sport she loves. 

After the game she rode the school bus back to the High School with her team and coach and I picked her up from there and we ran a few errands she needed for today.  I was honestly exhausted from the day, and tired of all the running around when all of a sudden I had this feeling of gratitude whispering in my ear “enjoy the moment, these drives together will not happen very often anymore”.  

We made all the stops she needed to make, had many conversations and listened to music in the car and on the way back home we stopped at a local donut shop for a couple of treats.  

There will be a day when these hectic days will be gone, when all the driving around will subside, and all the endless conversations about the ins and outs of our everyday lives will become more sporadic, but for right now, I am fully enjoying and embracing the NOW, without rushing the views of the road ahead. 

Please remind me to never listen to the song “The Best Day” by Taylor Swift when I’m feeling nostalgic about life.  🙄❤️

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Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Have you ever woken up to chaos in the morning and not exactly the way you had planned on starting the day? Well, that was me this morning folks!

Bella stayed up until the early hours of this morning doing homework, exhausted from the school day, she fell asleep on and off last night which prolonged homework time.  She hit the snooze button this morning I don’t know how many times and then rushed getting out the door for school.  Stan on the other hand, had issues of his own. 🤦🏼‍♀️  He couldn’t find an important paper he needed that had come in the mail yesterday and was stressed looking for it before leaving the house for work. I kept telling him where it was and he kept saying “it’s not there! I’ve looked many times!” Finally I got up, went to the place where I had been telling him it was and handed it to him; his response “oh there?!” “Yes, there!”  It might sound like I was just bumming around waiting for them to do all this on their own before making an attempt of getting up and saving the day, but in my defense, Stan’s paper chaos was at 5 am this morning - I don’t know if I’ve ever shared with you, but one thing I’m not good about at all is waking up early, unless I’m going on vacation, I can wake up as early as 3:00 am, ha! 😃

At least there is a good ending to this morning’s drama story.  Bella got her stuff together and walked out the house in her own Bella self, smiles on and ready to tackle the day!   Stan left the house a happier man too,  paper in hand and now I’m sitting on the porch drinking my coffee and probably taking a nap after.  The gloomy weather has been less than kind to me lately and my head hasn’t been too happy... but hopefully after some R&R today, things will improve.

I read a great quote this morning by Oscar Wilde “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken”, and I couldn’t love it more! ❤️

Have a fabulous Tuesday! ☀️

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Monday, September 23, 2019

I think coincidences are sprinkles of magic in our lives that show up when we least expect them to make us smile the biggest smiles.

Yesterday, we worshiped at a visiting church because we couldn’t make the morning time at our home parish.  We walked in (not knowing anyone, unlike our home parish where is a waving parade 😊), sat down and waited for Mass to start.  It was a beautiful liturgy, but when I realized that the priest who was saying Mass yesterday would not be saying the homily, I was a little sad, I love his way of developing the Gospel and the Sunday readings in general in his sermons, but to my surprise the visiting Seminarian they welcomed at the pulpit, gave a beautiful and powerful reflection.  Among the many things he shared about his vocation and life in the seminary, he shared that he had grown up a Baptist, his father was actually a Baptist Pastor, both mom and dad doing missionary work in Israel.  He was attending a Baptist College, dating, and his plan was to become a Baptist Counselor.  In his mind, he had his whole life beautifully planned out and just the way his parents had dreamt of it for him.  But then one day he participated in a Catholic Mass and in his words “I fell in love with the Sacraments and the way Christ manifested himself through them.” and it was in that moment that he fell in love with the Catholic faith, and started doing some research about it.  He signed up for the RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) program at his local church for formation in order to become a Catholic and receive the Sacraments of Initiation (Baptism, First Communion and Confirmation).  Soon enough he was a initiated into the Catholic Church and ready to participate fully.  All along he felt a calling into Priesthood and had started doing some investigating about it.  By now, he had broken up with his girlfriend, but had not yet shared to his parents the big news of becoming a Catholic.  After all, they had dreamed for years of their son becoming a Baptism Counselor, getting married and possibly serving as a Missionary like them.  He traveled to Israel where his parents were serving as missionaries to visit them and share such important news with them in person about his now Catholic faith.  He said his parents were shocked as he had expected it and it took them two years to fully process what had happened.  While in Israel, he came across in the most serendipities of ways, a Seminarian from the Archdiocese of Chicago, they met, talked about a few things and he shared his story with him and his new found passion for the Catholic faith.  The Seminarian advised  him to make an appointment with a Spiritual Advisor where he lived to discern his calling into Priesthood.  They finished their conversation, neither one of them took each other’s contact information and they parted ways. 

Upon arrival in Milwaukee where he is originally from, he made an appointment to talk to a Spiritual Director and while talking, the Priest pointed to a poster in his office, a poster of Seminarians in their last year of studies and said “this Seminarian is studying in Israel right now.”  And long and behold who was that Seminarian his Spiritual Advisor was pointing at in that poster...  the Seminarian he had randomly met in Israel while making the reveal to his parents about becoming a Catholic that had advised him to seek the wisdom of a Spiritual Advisor for his discernment!  He said he felt like a bolt of lightening going through him when he realized how God was manifesting in his life and everything was coming together and directing him into Priesthood.  The story is more elaborated than this but it’s all pretty amazing. Long story short, he is now in his third year as a Seminarian and fully embracing his calling... and yes, his parents are supportive of his decision.  I love stories like this one, they always make me smile the biggest smiles! 😊

But this is not even the story I was going to share when I started writing this morning.  Since I love the way this priest says Mass at the visiting parish I decided (because I’m very timid that way 😃), to go say hi after Massage was over, introduce myself and tell him how much I love his liturgies and his “signing” blessings at the end.  He smiled really big and after saying thank you he says “where are you from?” I said “Mexico!” And he smiled even bigger and says “what State?” I said “Sonora!” He smiled even bigger, then he says “what city???” I said “Hermosillo!” and he pretty much lost it in giggles! He said “I lived there for a full year studying Spanish, I love that country, I love that city, it’s people, the food, everything!!!” Well, I wish it had been earlier than almost 8 pm because I would have invited him for coffee at our house haha!  He is originally from the Philippines but has been in this country for many years.  He said “I’ve never met anyone from Sonora in the almost 24 years I’ve been back from Mexico” I said “what? I’ve been here for that long too!” For all we know, we probably rode the same plane coming to Chicago from Mexico 24 years ago! 😃

Then I said said “let me call my husband, I want you to meet him!” Stan comes over, big smiles, hand out ready to shake his hand, says his name and I said (almost as if it wasn’t obvious ha!) “Stan is from Poland!” And guess what people... he starts speaking perfect and fluent POLISH to him, just the same way he was speaking perfect and fluent Spanish to me, what??? He then proceeds to tell us that he lived in Krakow (where Stan is from), for a few months to learn the language and apparently he caught on quite fast.

Needless to say, Father Sammy is now my BFF 😉 because anyone that loves my country of birth as much as I do, and has lived in my city of birth and knows and understands my culture as much as I do, AND also, has lived, learned and loves my husband’s culture... he’s a rockstar in my book. 

He speaks FOUR languages fluently, Tagala, English, Spanish and Polish, and who knows what other languages we didn’t have more time to talk abut that. 

We left church feeling so immensely happy and grateful for our new friendships and the beautiful messages heard during the homily.  And to think that I almost didn’t go to church yesterday because my migraines have been giving me a run for my money lately.  I’m glad I chose otherwise. ❤️

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Sunday, September 22, 2019

Yesterday did not exactly start with a cherry on top for me, but good things came out of an uncomfortable situation and for that I am very grateful. 

From what it was supposed to be a busy day of work, I suddenly found myself with a free day to do what I wanted to do, how awesome is that?!

I stopped at a friend’s house on my way home from work and had a great time visiting. Sometimes best friends know how to sooth our souls, and if that friend happens to be a great listener, consider yourself lucky!

Then, Stan and I picked up Bella from school and went to Chipotle to try their new carne asada and oh my, is it delicious!!! Well, Stan and Bella didn’t have carne asada, but I did, and I will have it again, tender and tasty, yum! 

After our late lunch/early dinner we took Bella shopping for a Homecoming dress, which was a little stressful because Homecoming is in less than a week 😱 but luckily she found a dress she liked and the whole process didn’t take us more than an hour, yeah!!! 😃💪🏻

I ended the day at the movies to see “Brittany Runs A Marathon”, which is such a sweet and heartwarming movie but I laughed at the end realizing I had just watched this empowering movie about taking care of our health and bodies while I ate a large bucket (yes, it was a bucket!) of popcorn with salt and butter and a large ICEE on the side, oopsie whoopsie! 🙊 

Stan joined me on the porch this morning.  I always love it when he just appears out of nowhere coffee or tea in hand to chat.  We talked about all kinds of different things, especially a Japanese Maple tree he “rescued” outside of a Walmart for $9 and has nursed back to health.  He re-potted the tree, took out all the leaves that were dying, cut it and started from scratch.  That tree is growing and thriving!!! Stan definitely has a gift for gardening, it’s really inspiring, but I’m also almost certain he talks to them... Stan, the tree whisperer! 😉🌱

Enjoy this last day of Summer! ❤️

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Saturday, September 21, 2019

This past week felt like a tornado of responsibilities and commitments between work and school stuff.  Work was stressful for some reason and the week dragged, and Bella had a lot of before and after school commitments all week as well.

Somehow I still managed to cook every day (trying to stick to my gluten free diet to help me with my migraines), and anytime you have to prepare any meals from scratch that consist of more than two ingredients you know there will be plenty of dishes to wash and put away and mess everywhere.  Funny thing is, I also enjoy the cleaning after cooking part of the meal prep, but Thursday night and yesterday morning I just simply didn’t have time or energy to do it and I walked away from it after I finished putting my meals away.  I worked too many hours and I was feeling a little spent.

It took everything in me to leave dirty dishes in the sink on Friday morning when I left for work, I don’t like leaving my house with a messy kitchen but I knew I wouldn’t have time to do all that and get to work on time.  I didn’t even have tome to clean the kitchen when I went home for lunch, and when I left to go back to work I had this uneasy feeling about it because I was meeting a friend for dinner right after work and I knew I wouldn’t be able to get to it until really late at night.  

Bella had a long school week also, tons of tennis practice and games, many before and after school commitments and yesterday was no exception.  She left for school earlier than usual, had a full day of school and then tennis practice right after school which ended up running late.  I knew she was exhausted from the week! 

I came home late at night after meeting my friend for dinner and a movie and walked into an IMPECABLE kitchen, yes, spotless!!! Bella had washed all the dishes (which were a LOT), cleaned the kitchen, wiped the counters AND mopped the floor.  She even cleaned her bedroom and did her laundry.  I know it’s sound like a made up story, but for those who know my kid, they also know this is who she is.  I was almost in tears when I walked in from a long day to find out I didn’t have to stay up doing one more thing. 

I wanted to give her a hug and thank her but she had sent me a text before I got home saying she was going to sleep, she was tired and wanted to get a good night’s rest for today since she has a few things going on.  I still went to her bedroom when I got home and kissed her goodnight, even though she was sound asleep.

This morning I was driving her to school and I told her how appreciative I was of her gesture and she said “you don’t have to thank me mom, it was nothing, you guys work a million jobs to help our family and this is the least I can do, I’m so grateful for you guys.”  Yes, I’m crying again as I type this because this kid never ceases to amaze me and those were her words, one by one.

Then on the way to school she played a recording of her orchestra piece from Thursday’s concert that I couldn’t attend because I was working that evening and the orchestra sounded simply amazing!!! It hurt me that I couldn’t be there to witness that special moment, which I just learned Bella had a special part in it, and I said “I’m so sorry I missed it, Bella!” and with the mindfulness of a calm sea she says “it’s ok mom, you can’t be everywhere and I know you are always there to support me, there will be other opportunities for you to see me play.” 

Ok, enough crying for me already.  

I am beyond thankful of our little family, grateful for the support and love I get to experience from Stan and the girls and today especially, for Bella’s kind and unselfish heart thar makes me so incredibly proud. ❤️

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Friday, September 20, 2019

My Thursday felt like the biggest Monday ever yesterday!!! It was so all over the place that I had to pour my coffee this morning in one of my favorite cups, you know, to sooth the soul! 😉

The beginning of the school year is always busy, and this Senior year for Bella has been no exception.  Her days have been filled with school, studying, homework, working on projects and presentations, daily tennis practices, several tennis games a week, before and after school activities, college prep and so on.  Yesterday she left the house to take the school bus at 6:35 AM carrying FOUR bags plus her tennis racket ready to take on the day! She had a tennis game right after school, and as she said “as soon as I am done playing, I need to sprint to Orchestra rehearsal for tonight’s concert! Haha the sprinting part made me laugh! That kid!

Bella’s bag contained the following: 

1. Backpack: well, you guessed it, school stuff

2. Tennis bag: tennis uniform and gym shoes 

3. Orchestra bag: concert dress and black flats 

4. Lunch box - yes, she still makes her lunch every day and takes a lunch box to school 😍 I love this kid!

5. Tennis racket in case

Any who, as soon as she got on the bus she texted me asking if I could drop off her violin at school at some point during the day because she just couldn’t carry one more thing.  Of course kid, I’ll drop off the violin, and will also drop off sandwich for dinner since you won’t be coming home between school and tennis and the orchestra concert, how’s that? 

Before I got to work I strategized my lunch hour.  I knew I had to make time to eat because I myself was going straight to job #2 from my church job and it was going to be a long and busy day at my second job.  I thought “well, if I leave work and go straight home, I can have a quick lunch (it was ready for me in the fridge, all I had to do was warm it up), I can touch up my hair and put on my dressier clothes for job #2, I can then stop at Subway, pick up a sandwich for Bella and on my way to work drop off both the violin and sandwich for her.  Sounds like a good plan, right? Well, let’s revisit that plan... 1/2 hr before I left for lunch, Bella texted me “mom, would you be able to drop off my physical at the school soon because coach said the nurse doesn’t have it yet and I can’t play today if I don’t turn it in on time!” Wait, what?!!

I thought I had dropped it off long time ago, but apparently I didn’t. Ok, give me a little credit here, at least I took her for her physical right? Bravo me, ha! I called her doctor’s office -which by the way every single person in that office is AMAZING- and they immediately faxed me her physical form, which I quickly signed to drop off with all the other stuff.

By the time I got to school, I was like Bella in the morning when she left the house, I couldn’t hold one more thing in my hands.  I was holding my own purse (ID verification purposes 👏🏻), violin case, sandwich bag, and physical papers in the other hand.

Walked into school, had my drivers license scanned for my name tag, the front desk person took the violin and sandwich for Bella to pick up at a later time and then headed to the nurse’s office to drop off her physical.  I wanted to make sure it’d be entered into the system right away so she could play yesterday. 

Thankfully everything worked out great, and although I DID get a message from Bella at 5 pm asking if I would have time to drop off the violin and sandwich “now”, (insert heavy omg and eye roll faces here since her stuff had been sitting at the school for 3+ hrs already), her physical form was in the system on time for her to play, she was able to pick up her violin before her first tennis match, AND eat her sandwich for dinner before the orchestra concert. Strong PTL’s here!!! 🙌🏻

I wont even go into my conversation with my eldest this morning trying to figure out some issues because my coffee is gone and I have to go to work AND I’d get arthritis in my fingers by the time I finish typing that saga! 😃

I mean, I think we’ve ALL been through similar situation with our kids.  We take one day, one smile, one piece of advice and one I love you at a time, at least that’s how I get by! 😊❤️

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Thursday, September 19, 2019

When I was looking for a coffee cup this morning I came across this Lexington Homes cup and it made me smile. 

Before Stan and I had babies, we LOVED visiting model homes at new subdivisions.  This one was given to us by one of the realtors we worked with at some point. 

Before we bought our first home together, a brand new two bedroom townhouse in a established community in the suburb where we live right now, we had put down a deposit for a big house in a suburb an hour away from where we currently live.  I remember that day vividly.  Stan and I were giddy about this new big purchase we had just made, double the size of the townhouse we later bought.  We were excited about the idea of choosing tile, counter tops, floors, and pretty much put it together to make it our own.  We came home that day after signing papers and I remember having this funny gut feeling.  I told Stan “I don’t know if we made the right decision”, and he looked at me and said “you know what? I feel the same way!” Well, you know that’s never a good thing when your partner confirms your intuitions. 

The next day we decided to get in the car, travel the distance to where the house would be built, where the new elementary school for that subdivision was being built, and check out all the businesses and properties in the area.  After spending a good portion of the day driving around, it was pretty obvious to us that our decision of purchasing that big house, had not been a great one, at least not for us.  

Luckily we had a few “gap” days to recover our money if we decided to change our minds.  I don’t remember if we did end up loosing some of the money (sounds familiar), but at the end, we recovered most of it, AND most importantly our piece of mind.

We decided to stay in the familiar suburban area we knew, smaller place but closer to work and everything we were comfortable with. It ended up being the best decision for our family at the moment and we never looked back.  

Now that our youngest child is almost done with High School, we are once again contemplating a move, only this time, we would definitely downsize, we don’t have to base our search according to school districts and as long as it has room for our little family for when the kids come back to visit, we will be happy with what we find. 

Who knows what life will bring in the next months or years ahead, but relocation has always been one of our favorite subjects of conversation.  After all, planning and dreaming  doesn’t cost a thing! 😉🏡

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Wednesday, September 18, 2019

“Wherever you go, go with all your heart!” 

I love philosophers for a reason. They are wise and full of wisdom, and Confucius is no exemption. ⬆️

I had a conversation yesterday with a friend and one of her clients and among one of the things we talked about (we talked about a lot of things, it’s amazing how many subjects three women can cover in less than two hours 😬) anyways, one of the things we talked about was passion.  Passion for what we do, passion for how we live, the choices we make and passion for life in general.

I think going with all of our hearts in ALL things we do in life is crucial for living a joyful and fulfilling life.  Even when life is challenging us and putting hurdle after hurdle in front of us, we just have to keep thinking “there is no way out but through.”  Those few words have gotten me through a lot in life, that and a heavy dose of optimism.  I consider that a gift that I am thankful for every single day.

When I think of following our hearts, passions and giving it our bests in life, my oldest daughter Michelle will always come to mind.  It’s no secret by now that she’s found her happy place in New York City doing what she’s absolutely most passionate about, but the road to getting there had many detours and obstacles.  For almost three years prior to transferring colleges I saw the light inside of her dim little by little a little more every day and it hurt in a way that I never thought I’d be able to hurt.  I kept pushing my optimism and enthusiasm through her in hopes that it would somehow, just somehow give her new purpose and direction but that happiness had to come FROM her, and from her passion and her goals.  I will forever be thankful for her willingness and stubbornness to push through and be strong enough to say to us one day “Enough of this! This is not the life I want for myself... I’m going to go in the direction I want for myself.”  I will never forget those words she said to Stan and I, on a sunny Summer day when the three of us were having breakfast on the deck.  Who would’ve thought that what back then felt like a punch in the stomach to me because I knew her life and our lives as we knew it, were about to change in a big way, would be one of the best things that’s happened to our family. 

Wherever you go, go with ALL your heart! ❤️

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Tuesday, September 17, 2019

There are not a lot of things that make me go “Ewwwkkk!” but one that does for sure, is shopping, ANY type of shopping.  I don’t enjoy it one little bit. 

Yesterday, I cooked a lot on and off all day, and before dinner I realized I was missing a few key ingredients for a dish I was making, which meant Ihad to go grocery shopping since the official grocer shopper of the house (my husband!) wasn’t going to be home until late at night.

Just parking at any store makes me feel uneasy, I don’t know what that’s all about but it’s not very enjoyable. Every time I go grocery shopping I have a short list with specific items, I literally analyze the place as fast as I can, grab what I need and dart towards the registers once I’ve collected what I needed. By the time I load my bags in the car, I consider that, mission accomplished!  

Same goes for clothing.  Let’s say, I need black slacks... I go to ONE store and one store only, straight to the pants rack, look for my size, pick a pair and head to the register.  If I’m in a mood for trying on clothes and they happen to fit perfectly, I go back and pick one more of the same style and color and call it a day.  In my book, that’s a huge success and it means, I don’t have to go back to the same place looking for anything else for a long tome. 😃

Sometimes, when I find a plain top I like, I’ll get several in different colors.  I’ve been trying to talk people at work into uniforms, but it hasn’t worked so far, I’ll keep you posted! 😂

The only places I like to “shop”, is restaurants, I give thema lot of business, ha! 

My oldest daughter feels exactly the same way as I do about shopping.  Miy husband and youngest daughter on the other hand, shopping relaxes them to a certain point. Not so much buying, but browsing and finding good deals.  So much diversity under one roof! 

Also, look at the beauty of the tree leaves behind my coffee cup.  Fall is starting to manifest slowly and I’m loving it. ❤️🍂

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Monday, September 16, 2019

Happy Monday!!! ☀️

The quote in the picture below is the “quote of the day” in my desktop calendar at home and I couldn’t love it more! Attitude is everything to me!  Attitude can define and direct the course of our lives in very specific ways.  It can open doors, give opportunities, or do the complete opposite depending on how we choose to direct our lives.

A positive attitude has gotten me through a lot in life.  It has helped me stay focused when dealing with uncertainty (and I’ve experienced plenty of that) and it has given me the confidence to persevere in the goals I set for myself.  

That doesn’t mean that I’m not realistic, of course I am, I can’t scape reality when it’s right in my face and palpable, but keeping my face towards the sunshine will always be the direction I choose in life.

Actually, I think I’ve converted Stan to positivity over the years, ha! He didn’t used to be exactly the most positive man on earth whenever we faced obstacles.  Whether they’d be, health issues, finances, or something as simple as a lawn mower braking in the middle of mowing when you are entertaining a large group of people a few hours later.  Yes, all of those things have happened to us and a little more.  Stan’s response to all of the above was always panic, frustration, anger, and a few “are you kidding me’s???” that would send his blood boiling through the roof.  Not a good combination of events.  Through all those instances, I always tried to keep him focused on the “we can do this!”, “it can be fixed”, “we can call somebody”, “these things are manageable” options.  Believe me, it took many years of us going back and forth trying to understand the way we viewed the world differently, a few arguments here and there and some “you don’t get it” from him, and some “no, you don’t get it” from me.  Truth is, life is real, things happen and relationships aren’t perfect, but we kept working on it, or should I say, “I” kept persuading in the positivity department. 😉

Thankfully, we’ve succeeded in the art of “it will be ok, we can do this together, let’s stay positive.”  We laugh A LOT when things don’t go our way in the things we plan for our family, we talk, we strategize together, we pray and we take walks.  I’d have to say, the most important elements in our life together has been humor with a dash of sarcasm and our shared faith.  That combination alone has gotten us through a lot. 

Now, during times when I feel tired, or frustrated (which also happens from time to time believe me), Stan is the one who will remind me to stay focused, to push my shoulders back, to keep my chin up and to stay positive, because “everything will be ok”. 

ATTITUDE.  A short word with a lot of meaning that can make a big difference in our lives.  Attitude, I even like the sound of it... the positive sound of it that is. 😉❤️

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Sunday, September 15, 2019

Morning routines are almost as important to me as making sure I tell my children every day that I love them. 

It’s a cool 65 degrees outside, I’m sitting on the porch next to this beautiful coffee mug, feeling the cool breeze of the start of a new day.  It rained all night and all the trees and plants around the porch have signs of raindrops and the water fountain across the street is serenading me, I could sit here all day.  Quiet mornings on the porch are my kind of mornings and today I have a little more time to take in the beauty of a new day. 

Speaking of I love you’s.  Our family is very much into I love you’s.  We say them a lot and we say them often. All of us, Stan, our girls, myself.  I don’t think a day goes by when we don’t say I love you to each other.  

I take I love you’s very seriously because I didn’t grow up hearing them often.  Although I grew up in a very loving family, saying I love you randomly and spontaneously wasn’t part of my culture.  It was the same for Stan growing up, lots of love, but not in the form of words.  I love you’s were not like a “bless you” reflex after a sneeze for Stan and I growing up, so now, those simple words carry a lot of meaning for us. 

Actually, my mom and my grandma were BIG on I love you’s.  My mom still is! I think those are the only people I grew up hearing “I love you” from. That didn’t mean the others didn’t love me any less, it just wasn’t part of our culture, but now looking back, I know I always appreciated hearing those words from my grandma and from my mom.

It took me a long time to learn to say “I love you”, in Spanish, it seemed forceful almost.  It was a different generation and a different culture, at least for me.  We weren’t big on showing love and appreciation in the form of words.  I will forever be thankful to my grandma and to my mother for speaking those words, and showing me that words also carry a lot of meaning. 

I will never forget this one particular day.  I must’ve been around 9 or 10 years old, I know I was still in elementary school.  My parents were having a lot of problems in their marriage, and I was feeling very alone and sad about the obvious issues in our home.  We were getting ready for some type of family gathering and all of a sudden I couldn’t contain the tears because I knew the family dynamics at my house were changing.  I locked myself in the bathroom without telling anyone that I was upset, but my grandma knew better, she was always analyzing.  After a few minutes of being in the bathroom, I heard a knock on the door and then my grandma’s voice saying softly, “may I come in?” Without saying much, I opened the door, let her in and closed the door behind her.  I was sobbing at that moment.  I specifically remember my grandma kneeling down so she could be at eye level with me (smartest woman I’ve ever known!) and she said the following words to me that will stay with me for the rest of my life... “I know that things are challenging right now, but I want you to remember this. You are a strong, you’re smart, you’re beautiful and you are immensely loved!” She gave me a big hug, a kiss on my check and then smiled the biggest smile and said “now, wipe those tears and come with me, I might need your help.”  In that moment that is all I needed to hear.  Words of affirmation, words of encouragement, words of support and the words “I love you.” 

My oldest daughter now about to finish College always says to me “Trust me! I love you more!” Nah... I will always love them more! 😉❤️

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Saturday, September 14, 2019

It’s a beautiful Saturday morning and I’m enjoying my morning coffee on the porch after dropping my daughter off at school for an away tennis game. I’m trying to take in and enjoy all those “lasts” of her High School Senior year. Seeing her get in the car to leave for school, sports bag in hand, visor on and ALWAYS smiling, that kid’s enthusiasm and joy amazes me and inspires me daily.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about those people in our lives that encourage us and support us in different ways. Our behind the scenes cheerleaders, motivators, people that pray for us and people that believe in everything we do 100%. Those people will always be my biggest teachers. They might be there to love and support me all the way through unconditionally, but most importantly, they inspire me unknowingly. ❤

Today is a work day but I’m happy to be able to do what I do. Not a day goes by when I don’t give thanks for the opportunities to work, and for the energy that sustains me to keep doing what I love to do, and what I have to do in some instances. It’s the little things.

We are trying a new Polish restaurant in town for dinner tonight, and even though I am very excited about the food, I am more excited about the time I’ll get to spend with my family catching up about the week that just passed and laughing together. Food for my soul!

Have an awesome day! ☀

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Friday, September 13, 2019

Early bird catches the worm. I went to work earlier today to prepare all the paperwork for this weekend’s Baptisms, 37 total this time. It seems like a walk in the park compared to the 50+ we’ve had every weekend all Summer long. 😃

Writing during my lunch break. It’s been a busy day in the office as usual, and we’ve been without internet ALL day! It’s crazy how much we rely on technology these days. I will for sure be behind on a few work projects due to the lack of internet connection, but it’s allowed me to work on other things that needed attention, so I guess it’s not such a bad thing after all.

Nothing big planned for this weekend, other than work and a church event I am attending, but today has been pretty great and I’ve been smiling from ear to ear all day long. Any day someone or something puts smiles on my face, it’s a GREAT day in my book.

Happy Friday!!! Make someone smile today! ❤☀❤

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Thursday, September 12, 2019

Chicago weather doesn’t seem to be doing me any favors health wise, but I’m doing everything in my power to stay focused on managing my health and chronic pain through food, although, I really don’t have any control over unexpected barometric pressure which gets me easily every time.

I walked in from work around 7:45 p.m. last night and I decided to make a big batch of roasted peppers.  I know it sounds crazy, but cooking makes me happy and relaxes me.  The hour I spent in the kitchen was worth every minute of it and at the end, I enjoyed an amazingly delicious bowl of freshly roasted veggies, how awesome is that?

Despite the usual running around of the morning trying to get out the door for work, I made sure that I sat down for a few minutes this morning to enjoy my first cup of coffee of the day, and take in the day.  I do a lot of thinking and pondering and some unintentional praying every once in a while, and today was that kind of day.  When my mind is busy thinking and wondering, reflecting is what gives me the most peace.

There is a quote by Maya Angelou that I absolutely love that says “I do my best, because I’m counting on you, counting on me.”  To my children… I love you endlessly. ❤

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Wednesday, September 11, 2019

This morning greeted me with a cafe latte, or as we Mexicans say “café con leche”. 😉 I was craving a thicker, foamy coffee and this drink has always been one of my favorite. I used to add sugar but I’ve done without it for over a year now and don’t miss it at all, so delicious!

Is it just me or does the school year feel like it should be May already, or at least April! Taking one day at a time is the best gift I can always give myself when things seem to be a bit overwhelming.  One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, one intention after the next... ️

My oldest daughter’s (who is away at College) debit card got hacked and all her funds where completely depleted.  All the money she had in the account for this month’s rent and groceries and everything else in between. Something we definitely didn’t need, but who does, right? When things like this happen, I just keep reminding myself that everything (almost everything) is temporary and this too shall pass, but in the mean time, it sucks, BIG time! After all, I could’ve taken an Amtrak trip somewhere fun with that money instead! 🤦🏼‍♀️😉

For all of us who can ask each other, “what were you doing on this day 18 years ago?” we will never be able to erase from our memory the disbelief, the horror and the uncertainty of what the attack in New York City felt like.  September 11 started like any ordinary day 18 years ago today.  In a instant, the lives of thousands were changed forever.  Today, I pray for the lives lost, for the many heroes who sacrificed their own lives helping others, for the surviving family members of the 9/11 victims and for peace in our country. ❤

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Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Sitting at my regular morning spot, enjoying the view and the cool morning breeze. I love these type of days. ☕☀

Yesterday, I was blessed with the presence of a dear friend.  We were both feeling a little overwhelmed about life in general and at the last minute, very late into the night we made plans to meet for coffee.  You know it’s going to be a cry fest when a packet of tissues shows up on the table before you start talking. 

Life can be so overwhelming at times but when walked by the hand of people who love us and understand us, that right there could be one of the greatest gifts life can give us.

How lucky am I to be able to call a friend at 9 pm on a week night just to talk about things that are bothering me and for that friend to say “I am feeling very overwhelmed by life right now as well, but I’m here for you. Where do you want to meet? I’ll be there shortly.” AMAZING!!! My body felt a little lighter when I went to bed last night.  Thankful for the gift of friendship that sustains me daily.  Truly. ️❤

Before I met my friend for coffee, I called my mom to talk for a few minutes.  We talked for about 25 minutes until my phone overheated and the call dropped (I’m having a lot of phone issues you guys 🤦🏼‍♀️).  I don’t know what my mother is made out of, but that woman is the strongest, most faithful, cheerful and enthusiastic human being I know.  She has a long list of issues she could be complaining about on a regular basis but she never does, and when I “force” her to share some of those burdens because I think it’s important to release them into the universe every once in a while, she always puts a positive spin to her stories.  She is admirable.

Today is my late start at job #1 and I am heavily contemplating going back to sleep for an hour or so before I have to jump in the shower to get ready for work.  Actually, yes, that sounds amazing.  How often do I get the chance to sneak in an extra hour of zzzz’s? Not often at all! ️😊

Blessings for the day ahead! ️❤

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Monday, September 9, 2019

Sitting on the porch this morning, it’s a cool 62 degrees outside but it’s actually beautiful.  I will sit on the porch every morning to drink my coffee until I see the first snowflake, which hopefully will not happen until December 25th! 😉

I went to bed last night with the idea of taking a day off today because I had a rough, rough weekend dealing with my head, but thankfully today is a better day so off I’ll go to work. 

You know, I was reflecting last night about the people in our lives who support our dreams and deepest desires and goals we set for ourselves.  Those people are gold, and if you are lucky enough to have a tribe of people that encourages you, supports you and loves you for who YOU are, hang on to them tight and tell them how important they are to you.

My youngest daughter and I went to Milwaukee yesterday and throughout the day we had some of the BEST conversations a mom and daughter could have.  One of the conversations was about the people in our lives who love us exactly for who we are, the ones who we don’t have to change ourselves or act differently in order to be accepted. Ahhh, what an amazing moment that was, I wish I could have bottled it up.

I had a similar conversation with my youngest brother last night but about a slightly different subject. The conversation was centered about the people who support us, who not only say they love us and they are there for us, but those who REALLY show up in our lives when we really need them. Setting people free and not questioning the why’s of certain behaviors, can be the answer to liberating our spirits.

I love moments of depth and conversations with the people we love, that touch our souls in a special way.

It’s so crucial to surround ourselves with people that lift us up, people with whom our names are safe on their lips and who will always have our backs no matter what. Life is in constant transition. Focusing on the good and the good around us will always be a bonus in our lives.

I hope you have an awesome, beautiful day!!! ️❤

Make someone smile today! ☀

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Sunday, September 8, 2019

It might not be snowing today, but it’s definitely snuggle weather.

It’s always a good day when there are not too many to do things on the calendar AND you can sleep in a little.

I made a big breakfast this morning of eggs, roasted veggies and ground turkey patties and it was DELICIOUS!!! I lost count of how many times Stan said “Oh wow, this is delicious… I could eat this every day… this is so good…” etc., etc., etc… 😊 Food is my love language, and when it also makes my family happy, it’s a double win for me!

Today, I am meeting with the International student that I’m working with through FLAG (Foreign Links Around the Globe), and I am really looking forward to hearing what her experience has been like so far in the United States. She visited Six Flags with her host family yesterday and based on the few things I’ve heard about her stay here so far, it sounds like she’s having a great experience.

I love rainy and cloudy weather but my head not so much. Looking forward to clear skies and sunshine tomorrow. ☀

The Hunger Walk yesterday inspired me in more than one way and I am excited to put into action a few ideas I have. Working at the church office for the past 20+ years has exposed me to the reality of hunger almost on a weekly basis. It’s a harsh reality that most of us have never experienced and there is a lot that we can do to make sure that no one goes hungry in our communities.

Have a restful Sunday! ❤

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Saturday, September 7, 2019

The alarm went off at 5:15 a.m. this morning, a lot earlier than what I’m used to waking up to go to work, BUT, it was for an excellent cause! Today., a big group of parishioners from my church rode a school bus to Chicago to participate in the 34th Annual Hunger Walk. A walk organized by the Chicago Food Depository that has been assisting food pantries in the Chicagoland area to help families in need of food, because NO ONE SHOULD GO HUNGRY.

It was a beautiful day in the city and I almost wished I would’ve made previous plans to stay after the walk and spend the day there, maybe next year.

I had my coffee on the way to Chicago this morning, and then I panicked looking for a potty upon arrival, but no luck there, lesson learned! 😃

I’ve spent the rest of the day nursing a migraine. We are expecting rain tomorrow, and the barometric pressure gets me every time. According to information I’ve been reading about the link between migraines and barometric pressure, Hawaii is the most ideal place to leave for migraine sufferers. Well, well, I might just have to talk to Stasiu about this new retirement option! Aloha! 🌺

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Friday, September 6, 2019

It’s FRIDAY and it’s my weekend off at job número dos, so that means I’m over here doing a happy dance!

I’m drinking my coffee in the kitchen this morning because I woke up late and I just showered and we Mexicans don’t go outside with wet hair when the temperature is below 65 degrees, it’s a fact! 😂

I’m volunteering at my daughter’s High School today (I’m a little weirded out now because I picked this coffee mug this morning with no specific intention and I just realized the connection between the coffee mug and today 😱 ), ok, proceed Maria... I used to volunteer a lot at my kids elementary schools when they were little and then Junior High came and there weren’t as many volunteer opportunities. Now that we are in the home stretch of High School years at home, if they ask for my help, I’m there! 

Speaking of Bella.  She came home from school late last night after a tennis game, tired from the school day, three games she played and worried about her homework load. I was still at work and Stan was at a doctor’s appointment he had after work. Bella walked in the house last night only to find out that Daisy had had a “potty” accident to put it nicely 🤦🏼‍♀️ (first time that’s happened, and hopefully the last) and this awesome kid, instead of saying “I’ll wait for my parents to clean up the mess when they get home”, she took care of it all! She bathed her, she cleaned up the area where it happened and after doing all that, she had dinner and started homework.  I’m not going to lie if I say I cried a few tears when I got home feeling so grateful for the awesome kid she is, she rocks!

Looking forward to this weekend, some R & R, catching up on some projects and simply spending time with my family. 

Happy Friday!!! ️ ☀

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Thursday, September 5, 2019

Some people play Fantasy Football, I  play Fantasy Travel Planner! ;-)

I am in such need of a vacation right now, but can’t quite go anywhere yet, so instead of actually going on a vacation I “planned” at least five, lol! 

Let’s see... I believe that first I’m going somewhere far by train, first class because I want a roomette with all the bells and whistles.  I imagined myself even boarding the train, setting up my cabin and then reading a book as we passed some mountains. I already feel relaxed just thinking about it, ahhhh how I love train rides, they make me so happy!

Then, Bella chimed in and said “I’d rather us fly first class when we go to Europe!” 

Wait a minute kid, in what part of the conversation did I say “hey everyone, let’s go somewhere!” Ha! Also, are we going to Europe AND First Class now? Niceeee!!! Good thing this conversation happened last night because I was completely unaware. :)

Then Stan said “go to Galesburg to visit your friend!” Wait, what??? No dude, I need to go on a long train ride, an overnight where I can sleep and relax and explore a new place. I love my friend and the time we spend together when we visit, but that is not what comes to mind right this moment.

Needless to say I didn’t book ANY trips, neither are these vacations in my budget at the moment or have any time to do it now, but planning doesn’t cost a thing and we had some fun conversations and good laughs last night as I browsed the “web” like Stan calls it, ha! 

I just put my spaghetti squash in the crock pot for tonight’s dinner.  We were supposed to have that for dinner last night, but I got caught up doing something else and didn’t get to it.  So Spaghetti Squash and Turkey meatballs is what’s for dinner tonight... for real this time! 

Taking half day off today to regroup from the last few days, my body and mind need it and I’m really enjoying it so far. 

We’ve had this coffee mug for many, many years. I think Stan and I bought a set the first year we were married. We also bought a blue table cloth for the kitchen table that matched that set of coffee mugs. Good memories. I’m realizing now that we have an extensive collection of coffee mugs and that they all have a story. Pretty cool!

Good day everyone! I would insert a heart here but the emojis aren’t working, so take a mental picture of it and keep it there for the rest of the day! :)

XOXO

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Wednesday, September 4, 2019

It’s a BEAUTIFUL September morning! The sun is shinning, it’s 63 degrees outside, a nice breeze is coming in and out, I’m sitting on my porch wearing a hoodie and drinking my coffee... my dog Daisy is resting at my feet. LOVE! ️️️❤

I had a very bad night of sleep last night, not typical for me, I’ve always been a good sleeper, but I think I had too much going on in my head.  I tossed and turned a million times (or so it seemed), got up to pee at least 35 times, ugh - ok, I’m exaggerating there - and that combined made for a restless night.  What is it about middle aged women and their bladders?! Annoying if you ask me... 😬

The last few days I operated on adrenaline and inner strength and my body feels tired today.  I am beyond thankful for the opportunity of a late work start today that is allowing me to take in the moment, pamper myself a little, and not rush. 

I decided to make myself a big breakfast, go for a walk... actually, I think I should reverse that? 🤔 and then make dinner for tonight.  Spaghetti squash and turkey meatballs is what’s on today’s menu, yum!!! 

Have a great day and make someone smile today! ️️❤☕

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Tuesday, September 3, 2019

It’s a stormy kind of day in Chicago and I’m sipping my cup of coffee in the kitchen looking out the bay window. It’s still dark out even though it’s past 8 a.m.

I just watched (twice) a marvelous video by the great Maya Angelou. It couldn’t have come across at a better time as we are getting ready to say our last farewells to our dear friend Ceci today.

I liberate her in love and she liberates me in love in return to continue to live a full and joyful life, nourished by the memories we made together and the love we experienced on our earthly journey together.

Go in peace my friend, thank you for the love and all the lessons learned. ❤

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Monday, September 2, 2019

Happy Labor Day!!! A well deserved day to honor all those who labor. My history buff husband shared all kinds of fact about how Labor Day initiated in the United States in the late 1800’s, it was a very informative conversation. :)

Since both Stan and I are off from work today, we had coffee together on the porch today. He is not a daily coffee drinker (he’s a tea drinker), but every once in a while he craves a cup of coffee. It was nice to be able to sit back in the early hours of the morning, gather our thoughts, dream, plan and just take in the joy of a leisure day. We made so many plans that I think we basically chose a College for Bella, ha! Kidding of course, she’ll be the one making that decision, but Stan and I definitely got carried away with our plans and dreams. Amazing what a cup of coffee can do!

This is Stan’s FAVORITE cup! He’s owned it since before we got married. His love for Arizona has been deep rooted in his heart since he was a young boy back in his native country of Poland. He says that he used to imagine life in the Southern part of the country. The idea of a desert, cacti and year long sunshine sounded too good to be true and he promised himself that one day he would make the over 5,000 mile trip to visit the Sunshine State and when he did, he immediately fell in love with it AND bought a coffee cup as a memory of his first visit. 😉

After our coffee and conversation on the porch, we went inside to make breakfast, avocado toast with all the fixings, yum!!! After breakfast, Bella and I had a powerful conversation about the meaning of life in general, I love when those moments land on our laps… so thankful for that gift this Monday morning. ❤

Also, apparently I have been reflecting over coffee for a few years now, not too surprised over here, I’ve always been a little philosophical about life. But the message below (and picture) showed up in my Facebook memories from two years ago when I was in Mexico visiting my parents and family. Sweet memories.

“It's an unusual 75 degree morning in sunny Mexico right now, it rained all night and the leftover rain is serenading us through my parents open kitchen door that leads to the patio. I'm drinking my dad's freshly brewed coffee while we talk about anything from ant extermination to his latest game of chess. Simple moments, big blessings.”

I hope you’ve had a little bit of rest and a little bit of fun this holiday weekend. May the month of September bring us joy, health and love to our lives! ❤

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Sunday, September 1, 2019

A simple white coffee cup that I love a lot because my youngest daughter Bella picked it a few days ago.  She loved the simplicity of it and I love her for that.

Today was supposed to be a work day for me but I was blessed with an unexpected day off and for that, I am very grateful. 

I met a dear friend of mine for dinner last night and even just seeing her waiting for me at the table when I arrived at the restaurant made my world a little better.  We talked about many things, some of our conversation carried heavy weight, but we also laughed a lot and simply rejoiced in the moment of being together.  Then on the way home, I cried because I feel very fortunate for the people in my life that support me and love me unconditionally for who I am. Yes, it’s been an emotional couple of days over here. 

Not sure what this unexpected leisure day will bring but I’m ready for some R & R. The next two days will be hard saying our last goodbyes to my dear friend Ceci.  We walk on holy ground, every day.  I hope we are all mindful of that. ❤

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Saturday, August 31, 2019

I am more than 12 hours late with this journal page, but I decided to write my thoughts about today despite the roller coaster of emotions that today has been, even if it’s just briefly. Sometimes our souls heal when our thoughts take the shape of words.

Morning coffee didn’t quite go as expected today. Not even my daily morning walk. Coffee was not on my porch this morning, my cup of coffee went with me to work today and I sipped it in the car outside of my work place while I still had a few minutes with myself before going in. When I was looking in my kitchen cabinet for a cup to pour my coffee in, I knew immediately this had to be the cup I would collect my thoughts with this morning. A church cup with the original name of our beloved Summer Family Fest. A community that always gives me the most comfort and strength when I am heavily relaying on my faith to lift me up.

I had planned to rise early today, a walk and then coffee on the porch before heading to work for the day. Instead I woke up to the devastating news of our friend’s sudden death. To say that I’ve felt beyond numb and heartbroken throughout the day would be an understatement.

It will take days, weeks, months and maybe years to process the sudden loss of our dear friend, and as cliche as it sounds,I will hang on to all the memories and the love we shared while on our earthly journey together.

Rest in Peace my dear friend, I will miss your strength and faith and love. I am grateful for all the times we hugged and all the conversations we had. I learned a lot from you. ❤

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Friday, August 30, 2019

Ask me how many times I hit the snooze button this morning? TOO many times!!! I almost stayed in bed until it was time to get ready for work, but I don’t want to throw away all the work I’ve put in already, so I did what I’ve been doing every day for the past couple of weeks. I put on my shy shoes, grabbed my sunglasses and headed out the door. It was 60 degrees when I left the house and 62 when I came back. One thing I do love about exercising is sweating! Weird, I know, but it makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something.

I have been focusing a lot lately on taking care of myself the best I can. I have been trying to avoid gluten which has proven to be super helpful for me in dealing with the chronic pain I’ve experienced for years. It’s hard having to say no to regular pasta and bread and all those yummy treats, but I have to do it for my health.

Today’s coffee was poured into this beloved ASP anniversary cup! ☕

For the past 8 years, my daughters have been part of this amazing mission trip program. BIG commitment from many points of view but definitely worth it. The memories this program has given our entire family will always be a highlight in our lives.

Today is a busy day, BUT I have half day off from job #1 and Stan is off from work and we are trying a new local restaurant for brunch and then relaxing the rest of the afternoon until I have to go to work at job #2 this evening. Thankful for the opportunities I have to rest and the time spent with those I love.

Have a lovely, lovely Friday! Make someone smile today! ❤

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Thursday, August 29, 2019

Well, I did it again… I went for a 4 mile walk this morning even though I had to be at work early today, woohoo!!! Yes, I’m very excited about it, can you tell?

I’m not going to lie, it was HARD, it was very hard, I almost didn’t go. My alarm went off at 6:15 a.m. and I heavily contemplated the idea of skipping my morning walk today. For five minutes I came up with at least five “good” reasons of why I should stay home instead of going for my morning walk, but I knew better than listen to those bad thoughts and I went anyways. My body started aching yesterday from all the walking I’ve been doing lately, I guess I’m not used to that type of exercise, or ANY type of exercise for that matter, but if I allow my body go back to a sedentary state again, I will never get used to moving for change. I’m glad I did it, it felt good, and even now that I’m resting, it feels good to feel my muscles ache a little. It was a chilly 57 degrees when I left the house this morning at 6:35 a.m. and the temperature only climbed 3 degrees by the time I was back. It was a beautiful Summer morning with a taste of Fall.

Give me a cup of coffee and I’ll tell you story. I’m starting to realize that every cup of coffee I pour myself in the morning brings back some type of memory, and I kind of love it.

My husband Stan and I bought a set of dishes at Pier One Imports many years ago as newly weds.  I still remember walking into the store that day, it was busy, many people were walking around looking for a good find. We walked in with no specific agenda other than browsing the aisles in hopes of finding something that would help us decorate our new home.  We saw a shelf with colorful dishes and we fell in love with them immediately. Ok, to be fair, I think I’m the one that fell in love with it, I’ve always liked bright colors. The pieces could only be bought individually and we decided to put together a set for 8 people.. Dinner plates, salad plates, soup bowls and coffee cups. It was like Christmas day in May when we arrived home with our big box of colorful dishes that night.

This set of dishes has been with us for over 20 years. Many pieces have broken over the years, some have chipped, and only a few have remained intact, including this coffee cup. Every time I drink my coffee in this cup, it reminds me of that day when Stan and I were full of dreams and hopes for our new family.

Amazing how a simple coffee cup, freshly brewed coffee, and alone time in the mornings can bring back so many memories. ❤

Now off to start my work day. I work my two jobs today, a very busy day indeed but I do both with a grateful heart. Both jobs add a little bit of love and faith to my life and I consider that a blessing.

“I have walked on this earth for more than four decades. Most steps have been taken in forgetfulness; a few have been taken with some degree of awareness. When I am awake enough to know that I am walking on holy ground, something shifts inside of me. I take in the earth’s wisdom, and it helps me move more deeply into my own life.” Denise Roy

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A different kind of Easter, but a blessed Easter nonetheless.  The plan for this Easter was for me to travel to New York City to attend my oldest daughter’s graduation performances and ceremonies, and go to church at St, Patrick’s Cathedral and have dinner at one of her favorite Italian restaurants in Manhattan, while my husband and youngest daughter went to church here and then to Easter brunch at a local Resort since it was just the two of them.